


Miraculous Migraine

by I_Write_Big



Series: Miraculous Parody [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 07:01:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 298,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21797893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Write_Big/pseuds/I_Write_Big
Summary: One day the nervous wreck with no self-confidence decided enough was enough! If she couldn't get out of this superhero pyramid-scheme, then she'd dump the work on new interns! Too bad there's also possessive AIs, fallen gods, and bad-touch Chat Noir to deal with! The sequel to Miraculous Headache is here! [WARNING! Language, cartoonish violence, immature humor, and REALLY bad jokes]
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe
Series: Miraculous Parody [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570762
Comments: 54
Kudos: 78





	1. Hawkmoth is Gabriel Agreste!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Miraculous Headache: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16441562/chapters/38499041

_I'm baaaaaaack!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_THERE WILL BE NO PROLOGUE SAGA!_

_GET OVER IT!_

_...TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine****  
**_Episode 1: Hawkmoth is Gabriel Agreste!  
_By: I Write Big

There was something to be said about the determination of Gabriel Agreste.

Whatever goal the bazillionaire set out to accomplish he committed to with every fiber of his being. No matter how many times he failed the man would pick himself back up and try again. Unfortunately, to Gabriel, "try again" meant do the exact same thing that didn't work the first time over and over again without altering anything until the world gives up and lets the big baby have his bottle. It's a good thing Gabriel was God-tier rich otherwise this business strategy would've left him homeless years ago and Adrien would've never been able to afford all those plastic surgeries.

"You know what I feel like doing today, Nooroo?" Gabriel asked as he spun in his office chair. He had just finished an hour of butterfly training in the mansion's holodeck and, boy, were his arms tired.

"Akumatize someone," the Kwami suggested.

"Exactly!" Gabriel threw his hands up in annoyance. "Is that weird?"

"No, it just means I'm slowly regaining control." Nooroo smiled sinisterly.

"It's almost become like a _chore_, you know?" Gabriel pondered on the word. "I do it without thinking or even listening to anyone."

"Oh good, then my influence over you is growing faster than I expected." Nooroo rubbed its arm nubs together evilly.

"Maybe I should take some time off. Get out of the office. Spend time with Adrien. It's not like Emilie is going anywhere. Yes, I like the sound of this." He pressed a button on his desk phone. "Nathalie."

His assistant groaned back.

"Contact Adrien's secretary and make an appointment. I feel like being a father in the near future."

_("Gabe, she _is _your son's secretary.")_

Gabriel turned towards the echoing voice, that could only be heard in his mind, in time to see the golden mural of his wife gently swing to the side. His private safe hidden in the wall there was wide open. The old oriental book was gone.

"The book!" Nooroo hissed. "Where is the spellbook?!"

_("It's a funny story, guys, you're not gonna believe it,")_ Duusu snickered from inside the Peacock Miraculous. The magical jewelry sat right next to the empty spot where the book used to be._ ("I saw everything that happened and I'll tell you all about it, Gabe, if you set me free. Hehehehe—")_

"Nice try." Gabriel pushed another button on his phone and a secret hidden camera that was aimed at the safe revealed itself.

_("You're no fun!")_

* * *

_Meanwhile, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

"You know, I really missed this," Tikki said with a peaceful smile as Master Fu's ankles were twisted around each other like a pretzel. Marinette's bloodbath was nearing its 3-hour mark and showing no signs of slowing. "You'd think it would get old, but no, this is still the best entertainment I've had in centuries."

"Same here," Wayzz nodded as another of Master Fu's ribs loudly snapped like a celery stick.

"Torture truly is an art."

For a while, the Kwamis hovered there like a pair of old fishermen happily waiting on the lakeshore for their hooks to get a nibble.

"No! Not the fishhooks!" Fu begged.

"So, how did they take it?" Tikki asked.

"Hmm?" Wayzz lazily turned to her.

"The rest of the Kwamis," Tikki said. "The last time I saw them was a couple thousand years ago when they were wishing Plagg and I luck on our mission to depose Nooroo and Duusu and establish ourselves as the new Supreme Overlords of Earth. How did they take our entire race being magically enslaved to protect the inferior humans instead? I'm sure that had to be an awkward conversation."

"Oh, I'm sure it will be," Wayzz agreed, glancing at the mystical record player.

Tikki stared. "You haven't told them yet?"

"I'm not the one who fucked up. Telling them is your problem." Wayzz shrugged, then put a friendly arm nub on Tikki's shoulder. "Don't worry, I promise to film every second of them kicking your ass. What was it Sass said he'd do to you if you fucked up? Rip your… something…"

"Head from my shoulders," Tikki gulped.

"That's it! Rip your head from your shoulders while draining your eyeballs of their fluids with his fangs, right!" Wayzz laughed like it was the funniest idea in the world. Tikki became pale, which for her was a light pink. "Can't wait to see that. Actually, I won't have to wait. Once your human assassin finishes slowly killing Fu, the last of the Guardians will be gone, the restraining spell will be broken, and our brethren will be free. I'mma go get my camera. Be right back." Wayzz disappeared into the record player's speaker.

"Marinette, wait!" Tikki shot forward and got between the girl's fist and Fu's bruised, battered, and mostly toothless face. "I've been thinking, Fu has learned his lesson, so maybe we should, perhaps, forgive him…?"

Marinette Dupain-Cheng glared with eyes that resembled empty caverns of death and whispered, "...No…"

Her fist flew forward, phased through Tikki, and dislodged another of Fu's molars.

"Fair point," Tikki said. "But maybe we should at least let him live. What if he could release us from being Ladybug and I, in turn, can get very far away from here?"

Marinette shook the bloody tooth off her knuckles and grabbed Fu's beard. "Can you?" she seethed.

"Yes! Yes, please!" Fu sobbed. "Me tell you! No more!"

Marinette tightened her grip. "Talk."

"Quit!" Fu squealed like a baby. "Say you quit! End contract! Is easy!"

"I ALREADY DID THAT!"

Fu suddenly stopped crying and gawked at her. "You re-enter contract? You stupid or something?"

Marinette did not appreciate that insult.

_ Outside: _

Officer Roger was cheerfully patrolling down the street when he heard a loud WHACK! He saw a man's face was pressed against the window next to him. Several hairline cracks in the glass formed around the short man's broken nose.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite chiropractor Master Fu. How are you this fine afternoon?" Roger asked. "Hey, whoa, careful there. Looks like you're getting a nosebleed."

Fu's pain-stricken face smashed against the glass again and again and again and just kept going.

"Ah, listening to that headbanger rock 'n roll you're so fond of, I see. Don't let me stop ya." Roger tipped his hat and continued his patrol. "Enjoy your day."

_ Inside: _

"How do I get out?" Marinette growled into what was left of Fu's ear.

"I help, you let me go?" Fu pleaded.

"You help..." Marinette broke an ancient vase against a counter and pressed the sharp jagged edges against Fu's soft vulnerable Adam's apple, "...and I'll make it quick."

"Not too quick," Tikki corrected. "I need a 10-second head start."

The old oriental man flailed his arm weakly and pointed at something. Marinette followed the shattered finger and saw Fu was trying to point at the record player that green Kwami had flown out of earlier. She dragged Fu across the room and dumped his limp body in front of the machine. With shaky hands, Fu pressed his thumbs against a pair of dragon heads that were engraved into the player's wood. The eyes of the dragons flared for a second.

"Identity confirmed: Fu, Dropout Guardian Student, Cook/Janitor," the dragons said in a pre-recorded Chinese voice. "Access denied. Prease enter Great Guardian password."

The dragons slid aside and a panel of buttons took their place. A sticky note next to them read: _Password: 12345, **Don't tell Fu!**_ The very man typed in the password and the record player opened like a treasure chest before Marinette's eyes. Hidden inside the machine was a wooden octagonal box covered with oriental carvings.

"Before me start," Fu said with a nervous and gummy smile, "would you like to hear about Guardians? Ancient order devoted to protect world from Kwamis and keep Miraculous locked away? Me last one? Is _looong_ stor—"

Marinette grabbed Fu's throat and squeezed.

Wayzz appeared with a camera. "Oh yeah, piss her off more. That's a great idea. Why don't you also tell her about how you accidentally burned the Miraculous Temple to the ground while microwaving your lunch, indirectly unleashing Hawkmoth."

"B-B-Book!" Fu gurgled as he started to turn blue. Marinette relaxed her grip and Fu gasped. "Spellbook! Is key!"

Marinette glanced at the book Tikki had made her bring. It was embossed with very similar markings to the ones on the oriental box. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Spellbook written in secret code! Has many powers for Miraculous! Guardians never let me see, say I too stupid, but maybe spellbook have way out...?" Fu smiled wide with a desperate _don't-kill_-_me_ face. Marinette narrowed her murderous glare at the pitiful man. She dropped him and shoved the book into his hands.

"Start translating," she said.

Fu gulped and opened the tome.

Wayzz nodded in approval. "I like her."

Tikki rolled her eyes. "Trust me, in a half-hour, she'll be back to her annoying useless self. I think she's bipolar or something."

* * *

_Meanwhile in Adrien's Room:_

Gabriel watched as Nathalie swiped through several incriminating photos of Adrien taking the oriental book from the safe. The boy himself was shamefully sitting in the nearby shame corner with his multi-screen computer gaming setup... of shame.

"Let me get this straight," his Father said, unable to tear his sights away from the photos. "You took the book?"

"Yes, Father," Adrien hunched lower, sincerely sorry. "I was trying to return it to the library for you. I never meant to lose it—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever!" Gabriel leaned even closer to the photos, peering intently at the image of Adrien's innocent gaze. "And you didn't hear any voices?"

"Oh, you mean Duusu?" Adrien asked.

Both Gabriel and Nathalie stiffened in horror at the name.

"Yeah, they said hi, tried to tell me some _blue_ puns, I think, but I was gonna be late for school so I couldn't stay."

Both Gabriel and Nathalie continued to stand like dumbstruck statues.

"My Astruc, he's immune," Gabriel whispered in wonder.

"No, sir, I'm pretty sure he's just too dumb to corrupt," Nathalie sighed.

"Either way, we need him here. Adrien you're no longer going to public school. Nathalie will resume your homeschooling."

"Fuck you," Nathalie groaned.

"What?!" Adrien cried. "Because I lost one book? That's not fair! You always taught me that money can replace anything!"

"It can, but I also taught you the rich don't steal from the rich. Now stay in your room and get ready for Nathalie's lesson on..." He looked at his assistant for help. "What do kids learn again?"

"Math."

"Math?! That sounds awful!" Gabriel ran out before he could be assaulted with long division.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back Fu's Place:_

Marinette stood over Fu, the jagged vase shard glistening in her hand. Under her dark shadow, Fu flipped through the pages of the Miraculous Book. "Okay, okay, me thinks me gots this. Here, me find!" He cleared his throat, spat out another tooth, and read: "Contract with Miraculous only used to defeat Nooroo and Duusu, to prevent them from ever controlling same host. Such power in one human destroy world. Return Miraculous of Nooroo and Duusu to box and contract end."

"Defeat Hawkmoth? That's it?" Marinette stabbed the table. "How did nobody know this?"

"Not Hawkmoth. Nooroo and Duusu. Much more dangerous. Pure evil." Fu shivered. "They control. Manipulate. Make humans into puppets. Me always believe owner of this book is Hawkmoth. Where you find, Marinette?"

Marinette's homicidal aura abruptly vanished. The past day flashed across her mind and her jaw dropped.

The first time she saw this book was in the school library…

being read by…

_Adrien_

She dropped her weapon and walked out of the building.

"Hey, where are you going?" Wayzz yelled. "Aren't you gonna kill him?"

"Told ya," Tikki said and flew after the girl.

_ Later: _

Marinette shambled like a zombie through the streets, moaning over and over, "Adrien… Hawkmoth… Adrien… Hawkmoth..."

Tikki landed on her shoulder. "Y'up, looks like it. Tough luck. If we wanna be free, we gotta take him down. Tell you what, you can keep Adrien's corpse when we're done. That sound fair?"

The bluenette stopped in the middle of the street. "I'm switching sides," she said without hesitation.

"Great, what?"

"I can't fight Adrien. I can only join him."

Tikki stared at Marinette for a second. "Oh, I get it. You'll give me to Adrien as a Trojan Horse peace offering to gain his trust and then, once he thinks you're his ally, you'll use your feminine wiles to seduce Adrien out of Nooroo's control. Right?"

The girl said nothing.

"Marinette? That is what you meant, right?"

Marinette took off her earrings.

"YOU FUCKING HORNY SONUVA—" Tikki vanished from existence and Marinette resumed shambling like a zombie.

* * *

_Later, at school:_

The after-school fencing class was strapping on their equipment in the boy's locker room when the door was kicked open. Marinette stepped in and got on her knees.

"Adrien!" she loudly proclaimed. "I pledge my loyalty to your evil dark crusade! I am yours to control as you see fit!"

She waited patiently for her new Lord and Master to baptize her into his black-hearted ranks, ignoring the blushing, half-naked, non-Adrien boys. There was no response. Marinette sniffed the air.

"Adrien isn't here," she concluded and left.

Marinette went up to the classroom, mentally planning the best ways to conquer Europe and then the rest of the world at Adrien's side. She found Chloe sobbing on a mini-staircase in the corner surrounded by her class.

"Where did that mini-staircase come from?" Marinette asked.

"I always bring Chloe's Sad Stairs in case there's tragic news," Sabrina said.

"A-A-A-Adrien!" Chloe hiccuped the name through her tears, pointing at the text message she got. "He's never coming back to school! Ever!"

"Smart," Marinette nodded in approval, "It'd be harder for my Dark Master to keep his nefarious plans of evil conquest secret otherwise."

"And it's for the dumbest reason too, dude," Nino said. "He lost his daddy-o's stupid book or something. I can't believe _this_ is the way I lose my meal ticket."

Marinette's plans of global domination abruptly stopped. "His _dad's_ book?"

Nino nodded.

"Excusez-moi." Marinette calmly went to the Girl's Room and locked herself in a stall. With a nervous gulp, she put the earrings back on.

Tikki appeared. She didn't look happy.

Marinette began gently, "In my defense, I thought—"

With a vicious battle cry, the Kwami charged forward and melted into Marinette's chest. For a few seconds, Marinette's body became translucent. Her lower body phased through the floor and then became solid again. Tikki popped out and Marinette proceeded to scream in both terror and pain.

_A floor below:_

Miss Bustier stared up at the kicking, pink-jean covered, vulnerable legs that had appeared in the teacher's lounge ceiling. A hungry smile spread across her lips, but then it disappeared.

"Nah, too easy." She finished her coffee and left.

_Back upstairs:_

"You sorry?" Tikki asked.

"YES! I'M SORRY!" Marinette screamed.

"You gonna pull that merde again?"

"NO! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! THERE'S TILING WHERE MY STOMACH SHOULD BE! I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M ALIVE RIGHT NOW!"

"That's an easy answer. Because I allow it." Tikki melted back into Marinette's chest and undid the horror. When the girl's hyperventilating started to slow, the Kwami said, "So, what changed your mind?"

"Um, the book doesn't belong to Adrien," Marinette whimpered. "It belongs to his dad."

"Oh, so you're okay with making your half-orphaned boy-crush into a full-fledged orphan. That makes sense," Tikki sassed. "Come on, let's do this."

"Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, Marinette became Ladybug and swung out of the building. On the roof, she slid open her yo-yo and dialed Chat Noir. He didn't answer, so she left a message: "I know who Hawkmoth is, Chat Noir. I'm on my way now to kill him. If you want in, meet me at the Agreste Mansion and bring a body bag."

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Gabriel's Office:_

Gabriel and Nathalie stood before the golden mural of Emilie. Duusu's muffled taunts came from the other side.

_("What're you gonna do without the book, Gabe? Heeheeeheeee! It's only a matter of time before it falls into the wrong hands and someone with half a brain figures you out. You can't keep me locked up forever! Where's my lawyer? I know my rights! Including the right to watch you get torn limb from limb! Let me out! I wanna see the show! Haaahahahahahhoooohohohoohoo!")_

Nathalie groaned. "It has a point, sir."

"Don't worry, Nathalie, I have a plan." Gabriel opened his wallet and—

Nathalie slapped the millions of euros out of his hand. "No, _I_ have a plan," she said. "Nobody is gonna figure out you're Hawkmoth."

Her boss' eyes glistened and he tried to hide his blush. "Oh, Nathalie, you do care."

Nathalie groaned. "I was fine watching you destroy this city from a distance. Fuck Paris! But I am _not_ going to sit back and lose 95,000 a year because of your stupidity. I'm in charge now. Shut up and do what I say. Rip every picture of Adrien off the wall and burn them in a bonfire."

"Hbt—What?! Why?" Gabriel sputtered at the order.

"Because you're an adult having a hissy fit over a meaningless book like a child."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. In fact, you're so angry..." she leaned forward and said knowingly, "You'd make a perfect target for _Hawkmoth._"

Gabriel blinked. "But I am Hawkmoth."

She slapped him across the face. "Think about it for more than two seconds!"

Gabriel rubbed his sore cheek and stared at Nathalie for a while before going, "Oh! Oooooh! I get it! I get it! No, wait, I lost it. Could you explain—It's back! I got it again! Nathalie, you're a genius!" He wrapped her in a tight hug, planted a kiss on the top of her head, and then started ripping portraits off the wall.

Nathalie stood where he left her, looking rather flustered. The warmth from his kiss spread down to her cheeks and would not go away.

_("Oooh, you got it bad, girl.")_

"Shut up!"

_Meanwhile, in Adrien's Room:_

The door was locked and guarded by Ape-Man. Adrien's phone was playing piano music to simulate the boy practicing as Adrien played foosball by himself, thoroughly depressed. "You sure Duusu won't tell anyone that I'm Chat Noir?"

"Nah, don't worry about that. Me and the Big-Blue-D go way back, man. We got this agreement. It's sort of like a bet," Plagg said, reminiscing over some camembert. "Good thing Kwamis don't appear in photos or video otherwise we'd be so busted. I didn't figure out I had that power until the whole JFK assassination fiasco."

"Wait, are you saying _you_ were the one who shot—"

There was a loud crash beneath them. Adrien bolted out and ran with Ape-Man down the marble escalator. The sounds were coming from Father's office but a red-cheeked Nathalie blocked the door.

"Nathalie, what's going on?" Adrien asked.

There was a smash of what sounded like marble.

"Your Father is being honest with my feelings—I MEAN!" Nathalie's cheeks lit up even further. "_HIS! _I said, _HIS_ feeling! He's busy. _Very_ busy. And he's angry, _very _angry. I want to make that perfectly clear. He's upset and vulnerable to magical control from a completely separate third-party right now."

Another loud smash rocked the mansion.

"Fuck!" Gabriel's voice shrieked. "Nathalie, I think that was a support beam."

"Are you convinced yet?" Nathalie asked.

Adrien and Ape-Man half-heartedly shrugged.

There was another loud crack from the office. "OW!" Gabriel shrieked again. "I dropped my sledgehammer on my toe!"

"Yeah, I'm convinced," Adrien nodded.

"Great," Nathalie said. "Now that we have multiple witnesses, shouldn't Adrien be practicing his piano?"

Ape-Man led Adrien back to his room, the boy glancing back with worry over his upset Father.

_Meanwhile, somewhere in Paris:_

A spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man holding an ice-pack against his toe. "That fucking hurt! Okay, here we go, time to put Nathalie's plan into action." Hawkmoth grabbed a butterfly and infused it with darkness. He stared at the Akuma, completely lost. "How do I, um, uh…"

He placed the Akuma on top of his head. It fluttered back down to his hand.

He pushed the Akuma against his chest. It was crushed and crumbled to dust.

"Nope, let's try it this way." He evilized another butterfly and raised his arms. "Dark wings fall!" In a powerful purge of purple Hawkmoth became Gabriel Agreste! In another dimension, only about ten people were surprised. The rest laughed and said they totally called it.

The purple-pink magic reformed into Nooroo who sneered at the man. "And what's the big bad plan this time, _Master?_" Nooroo asked mockingly, spitting the title.

Gabriel tore off his fashionable ascot, revealing the hidden Moth Miraculous. He plucked the jewel off, held it up in the air, and said two simple words.

"I quit."

Every butterfly above them stopped fluttering at the same time and the hidden tower became deathly quiet.

"No..." Nooroo croaked.

The jewel in Gabriel's hand became a tiny black hole! A vortex of purple magic pulled at the Kwami, trying to siphon the despicable creature back inside its prison!

"What have you done?!" Nooroo roared over the cosmic force. It grabbed the floor, holding on for dear life. Gravity stronger than a galaxy of Neutron Stars began to spaghettify Nooroo's leg nubs. "You think you are rid of me, puny human? Do you think you can banish me and not suffer my wrath? I shall find a new apprentice, a new Hawkmoth, and hunt your family down for the _rest of eternity_! CURSE YOU, GABRIEL AGRESTE! CURSE YOU!" The floorboards ripped and the rest of Nooroo disappeared into the Miraculous.

"Jeez, don't be so dramatic," Gabriel said, storing the Miraculous in a small jewel box. He then turned around to face a blank book under a spotlight. "Time for Step Two." He picked up the book and held it up to the Akuma. The black butterfly landed on the book and did nothing.

"Um, hello?"

The Akuma waited there, still whole.

"Come on, I'm angry, I swear. Doesn't this look like an angry face to you?" Gabriel scrunched up his nose, crossed his eyes, and gritted his teeth. Still, the Akuma didn't shatter. "Dammit! Why won't this work—" He kicked the book table with his already crushed foot. "GAAAH!"

The Akuma shattered. Gabriel was swallowed by bubbling darkness and became a grey and black, red-visored fashion disaster!

"I am The Collector! I have lost my favorite book and I shall use my justifiably believable anger to exact revenge because... I'M NOT HAWKMOTH! MUAHAHAAHHAHA!" He finished his speech and asked the butterfly armada, "How was that? Evil enough?"

The butterflies shrugged half-heartedly.

_Later, near the Agreste Mansion:_

Adrien decided he had to make things right. As Chat Noir, he planned to search Paris to find his Father's book. In a blast of black, he transformed into the superhero and got Ladybug's message on his battle staff. He set off to meet her.

Chat Noir ran into Ladybug on a rooftop. He was a little put off by the homicidal rage blazing around her. "M'Lady, got your message. Can't wait to hear who the suspect is."

The heroine kept marching past him towards her final destination. "Gabriel Agreste. He's Hawkmoth," she said grimly. "I'm going to kill him."

Chat Noir stopped thinking of his next pun and scrambled after her. "Whoa! Did you say Gabriel Agreste? Fashioner designer, bazillionaire Gabriel Agreste? You got proof?"

"Oh, sure! When a man accuses a woman of being a witch, it's all 'burn her at the stake!' But when it's the other way around, you need proof! How about this for proof? I snap the bastard's neck and wait to see if the Akumas stop! If I'm wrong, I'll say I'm sorry at his funeral."

"LB!" The boy grabbed her by the shoulders. "Have you thought this through at all?"

"HAVE YOU?!"

Chat Noir hadn't. So he did. "Well… now that you mention it..."

_A couple months ago:_

Adrien watched his Father supervise the construction workers who were renovating the mansion. It looked like they were installing some sort of slide that went deep under their home. How fun!

"And I want every design in this house to have the words 'Hawkmoth's Evil Lair' secretly hidden in them somewhere," his Father instructed.

"Even the potted plants, boss?" the head engineer asked.

"Especially the potted plants."

"You got it, boss."

_A couple weeks ago:_

Nathalie handed Adrien a new pair of sneakers. "Your Father wants you to wear these for the next photoshoot. They have the company's new logo."

"Is that Hawkmoth's face on the side?" Adrien asked.

"Nope, that's your imagination."

_Last Night:_

"One day, Ladybug and Chat Noir, I, Gabriel Agreste, who is also secretly Hawkmoth, will have your Miraculous! Buahahahahaahaha!"

Adrien grumpily flipped over in his bed and banged on the wall. "Father, turn down the TV, I'm trying to sleep."

_ Now: _

Chat Noir tapped his chin. "Hmmmmmmmm… nope, sorry, not seeing the connection," he said.

Ladybug smacked him aside and resumed her march, the homicidal rage flaring. "Too bad. Today Gabriel Agreste dies."

_Back at the Agreste Mansion:_

Nathalie was loudly listing Gabriel's bad qualities. "He's distant to his only child, manipulative, only got this successful because he's a man, doesn't have a clue what he's doing, and not to mention he spends every night reading bedtime stories to a corpse."

_("Yeah, but you gotta admit, Nat, the ring just makes him hotter.")_

"I'm not into married men, Duusu! Get out of my head!"

_("But I wanna talk about boOoOoys!")_

The office doors behind her burst off their hinges, launching the woman across the hall. When the dust settled, she saw The Collector standing in the doorway. Step Two of her plan had come to fruition.

The Collector growled down at the woman lying helpless on the floor, "Nathalie, I want you…"

Nathalie blushed. "W-Want me?"

"To be the first part of my collection!"

The Collector swiped his open sketchbook at the woman! Nathalie disappeared and a highly detailed sketch of her blushing face filled in a blank page of the book. He laughed evilly and proclaimed, "I'm super-pissed about losing my book and, as a logical result, have been akumatized, since I am not Hawkmoth and am clearly just yet another innocent victim. Muahahaha!" He turned to the top of the marble escalator and asked Ape-Man, "Did you buy that?"

Ape-Man waved his hand in a so-so manner.

"Wow, Lila makes lying look so easy. Anyway!" The Collector threw his sketchbook! It arced through the air like a boomerang, absorbing Ape-Man before returning to the villain's hands. The Collector rode the marble escalator up and knocked on Adrien's door. "Adrien, it is I, your perfectly normal—not villain—Father who is also not Hawkmoth. Please panic and scream in distress as you would at being attacked by any other Akuma." He then kicked down the door and tried to look intimidating.

The room was empty.

"Dammit, that was my best evil monologue yet," he whined while stomping his foot. "Oh well, onto Step Three."

_Later, at the Louvre:_

A sketchbook twirled through the air and absorbed the museum's glass pyramid.

"Yes, fear me!" The Collector cackled as he captured the _Mona Lisa_. "I am an average citizen who has been corrupted by Hawkmoth, who is _not_ me!"

_More Later, at the Charles De Gaulle Airport:_

Jagged Stone yelled at the Airport Security, "What do you mean Fang's bloody passport expired? You saying we're stranded in this shite-stain of a city?"

The sketchbook whipped through the air and absorbed Jagged and his crocodile Fang.

_Even More Later, at the TV Studio:_

Nadia Chamack was absorbed mid-report on live TV. The camera followed the flying book until it came face to face with The Collector who boldly said, "I'm not Hawkmoth. Just wanna make that clear." He leaned to the side and asked the cameraman, "Was that believable?"

The cameraman shrugged half-heartedly.

"Damn, guess it'll have to do," The Collector said before absorbing the camera.

_Later Later Later Later at the Agreste Mansion:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir landed on the roof. The girl strode with purpose towards the nearest open window, cracking her knuckles. The boy floundered to change her mind.

"I know that 5,000 years ago in Ancient Egypt where you're from that summary execution without a trial is the norm, but in modern times we have something called police procedure," Chat reminded. "If we suspect Gabriel Agreste, we should bring him in for questioning."

"No," Ladybug said, stretching her yo-yo string into a garrote wire. "He dies."

"Bugaboo, please! I really think you should stop, take a second, and calm down!"

Ladybug did stop.

She did take a second.

And she popped a stiff part of her neck.

"Calm," she announced in the most eerily _calm_ voice Chat Noir had ever heard. This wasn't the calm of someone relaxing, this was calm of a hunter. This calm scared him. Ladybug hopped into the mansion. Both heroes arrived in Gabriel's office. The place had been ripped apart. Mannequins and pictures were strewn across the floor and shattered into pieces.

"Whoa…" Chat Noir whispered. "What happened here?"

"Don't care." Ladybug _calmly_ kept moving into the next room with Chat Noir close behind. "Now, where is Gabriel Agreste?"

"There is no Gabriel Agreste!" a cold voice proclaimed! At the top of the marble escalator stood The Collector, his arms spread wide! "There is only The Collector who was once Gabriel Agreste who, by the way, was _never_ Hawkmoth at any point, just felt like pointing that out. Gabriel Agreste is _not_ Hawkmoth. I repeat, Gabriel Agreste is _not,_ nor has he ever been, nor will he ever be, Hawkmoth." He paused to let that sink in. "Muahaahahahaha!"

"Wait..." Chat Noir's four ears perked up and he grinned brightly. "If Gabriel Agreste has been akumatized, then that means he _can't _be Hawkmoth! Right, LB?"

He eagerly turned to his super-partner, anticipating agreement and maybe even an apology. What he saw was the same fiery, homicidal rage burning stronger than ever. And somehow she was still _calm._

"Holy merde, you're still going to kill him?!"

"It's the only way to be sure," Ladybug said with disturbing amounts of _calm_.

She shot her yo-yo forward and the unbreakable string coiled around The Collector's throat. His evil laugh turned into choking gasps. Using every ounce of her super strength, Ladybug whipped The Collector around the mansion, smashing him headfirst through a dozen priceless nude marble statues of Adrien.

"Stop! NO!" Chat Noir tackled Ladybug.

The Collector's trip ended and he skidded to the floor, gulping down precious oxygen as the thread around his neck loosened. "A lucky shot," he wheezed. "But I, The Collector, who is not Hawkmoth, shall—"

Chat Noir threw The Collector over his shoulder and ran deeper into the mansion.

"Hey! What are yo—Unhand me, Chat Noir, or I, The Collector, who is not Hawkmoth, shall—"

"Shut up! I'm trying to save you!" Chat Noir cried, his voice dripping with fear as they ducked into the mansion's bowling alley.

"Save me? From what?" The Collector asked as they crossed the mansion's skate park.

"Ladybug! She thinks you might be Hawkmoth so she wants to _kill you!_" Chat Noir shouted as they swung across the mansion's indoor jungle.

"Hawkmoth? Me? Whaaat? Nooo!" The Collector said, sweating a storm and avoiding all eye contact. As they swam through the mansion's Olympic-sized pool he said, "How could she think that? We look nothing alike. I, The Collector, formerly known as Gabriel Agreste, am not Hawkmoth."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time. But M'Lady is not so easily convinced." Chat Noir kicked his way out of the mansion's laser tag stadium and into the mansion's holodeck. "Perfect!" he said. "We can program you a hiding spot where Ladybug will never find you!"

"Or maybe..." The Collector maliciously raised his sketchbook. "I can add your Miraculous to my collection."

Chat Noir grabbed the sketchbook and tore it in half. The Collector de-transformed back to Gabriel and Chat Noir punched the man on the chin, knocking him out cold.

"Sorry, Father."

The boy grabbed the Akuma before it could flutter away. He typed at the holodeck's control console. "_Maze activated,_" said the robotic computer. The room transformed into a huge holographic maze. He blindly tossed Gabriel deep into the maze so even he wouldn't know where to find him.

"Okay, now, let's hope LB doesn't find us."

A section of the wall behind Chat Noir crumbled to dust.

Sunlight spilled into the holodeck, casting Ladybug's murderous figure in silhouette. Behind her, the entire Agreste Mansion lay in ruins. Every room, every inch, had been obliterated to rubble. Its destroyer glared passively at Chat Noir, yo-yo clenched in her fist.

She was still _calm._

"See? Look!" Chat Noir desperately held up the black butterfly. "I already got the Akuma! There's no more danger!"

Ladybug _calmly_ snatched the Akuma and de-evilized the bug. Her silent bloodlust, though, was clearly not quenched yet.

"This holographic maze can literally go on for miles," Chat Noir said bravely. "You'll never find him. So, let's talk this out, okay, Bugaboo?"

Ladybug _calmly _threw her yo-yo into the air. "Lucky Charm!" Down came a polka-dotted set of bike pedals. She _calmly_ chucked the thing at the holodeck's control console.

CRASH!

In a shower of sparks, the machinery was smashed to bits.

"_Error! Error!"_ beeped the computer and the nearly endless maze fizzled out of existence.

The unconscious and very exposed Gabriel Agreste laid at the center of the room in a puddle of his own drool.

Ladybug _calmly _stalked towards her prey.

"Hold on!" Chat Noir got in front of her but she kept walking. "You don't have to do this! No more puns! How about that, huh? No more sex jokes! Nothing! I'll behave! I promise! Please! Just don't kill him!"

Surprisingly, she actually stopped. Ladybug looked at him, a slight curiosity in her eye. "Why do you care about him so much?"

"Because he's..." The word caught in Chat's mouth. To say what he needed to say would expose his identity, maybe even jeopardize his career as a superhero. But if it meant saving Father, then it was worth it. "Because he's my Fa—"

The holodeck sputtered and glitched, making the maze reappear for a second before morphing into a horrific tentacle monster with thousands of razor-sharp teeth! The eldritch beast roared, shaking the room!

"_Error! Error!_" the smoking computer warned. "_Hologram tangibility at 100%! Danger! Lethal risk! Do not approach!_"

One of the tendrils scooped Gabriel off the floor and dropped the man in the monster's gaping maw.

Chat Noir screamed.

Ladybug wiped her hands clean and said, "Welp, all's well that ends well."

"Fools!" A dramatic voice made them turn. There, by the crumbled hole in the wall, stood Hawkmoth!

"Wait, whaaa..." Ladybug said.

"Did you really think that such a pathetic excuse of a man as Gabriel Agreste could be me?" The true Mastermind behind the Akuma scourge bellowed deeply and raised his majestic cane with both hands. "I AM HAWKMOTH!"

He brought the cane down and blinding light filled the room. When Ladybug and Chat Noir's vision cleared, the two stared blankly at where their enemy once stood.

Hawkmoth was gone.

Chat Noir glared at Ladybug.

Ladybug cleared her throat. "I may have jumped the gun," she admitted.

"You think?!" Chat Noir roared.

"I can fix this!" Ladybug ran to the console and tugged the bicycle pedal set out. She cast Miraculous Ladybug as quickly as she could.

The mansion was put back together.

Everything and every person The Collector had in his sketchbook was returned.

The holodeck was repaired and the tentacle monster vanished. A bruised and slightly digested Gabriel Agreste remained, getting up groggily.

"There we go. All better. I guess it's back to the drawing board on figuring out Hawkmoth's true identity," Ladybug said with a sigh. She headed for the exit. "See ya, I'm off to terrorize an old Chinese man."

"Hey, hold on a second!" Chat Noir jumped in front of her and tapped his foot impatiently. "Aren't you going to apologize to the innocent man you nearly murdered?"

"Ugh, FINE!" Ladybug rolled her eyes and turned to Gabriel. "Mr. Agreste, I'm sorry about my actions today. It won't happen again. Here, to show there's no hard feelings, let's hug it out—"

"Nope! That's fine!" Gabriel scrambled away from her offered open arms.

"Yeah, that was a bit too forward of me. Handshake?"

"I'm good! You can leave now, thanks for saving me, bye!"

Ladybug squinted in suspicion at Gabriel's sweaty face and his leaving her hanging but ultimately decided to let it go. She and Chat Noir left the holodeck. As soon as the door closed, Gabriel wiped away the sweat and began to laugh.

"Muahahaha..." Gabriel flickered and vanished.

Hawkmoth stepped forward and picked up the laugh. "HAHAHAAHAHA! Nathalie's plan worked perfectly!" His holographic Hawkmoth costume flickered and disappeared too, leaving the real Gabriel! "Now, Ladybug and Chat Noir think that Hawkmoth is someone else, when in reality I, Gabriel Agreste, am truly, have always been, and always will be, Hawkmoth! AHAAHAHAHAHAH!"

Ladybug poked her head in, "You call my name?"

Gabriel froze, his arms still raised mid-gloat. "I-uh-I-stretching! Just stretching!" He started doing calisthenics. "You would not believe how hard it is to keep this slim figure at my age."

Ladybug rolled her eyes and left.

* * *

_Later, outside Fu's place:_

Fu nervously waited on the corner, a suitcase bulging with his possessions at his side and the mystical record player on his back. He kept stealing glances over his shoulders as if he expected someone to be there at any second. At last, a car pulled up.

"Uber for Fu?" the driver called. "One-way trip to Anywhere-But-Fucking-Here for a guy named Fu?"

"Me!" Fu ripped open the back door and jumped in. "Hurry! Go! Go! Go!"

"Seatbelt," the driver instructed.

Fu strapped in and hid behind the passenger seat. "GO!"

"Music preference?"

"Me no care! _GOOooOOooOO!_"

"Oh, I'd love to go, pal, but I can't. Ladybug is standing in the way."

Fu faced the windshield. There she was. Blocking the car. Glaring straight back at him.

His executioner.

"You know, my wife makes that same exact face right before she tears me a new one," the driver chuckled. "Wouldn't want to be the idiot who pissed her off, huh, pal?"

Fu began to cry.

_Later, Inside:_

Marinette loomed like a 4-foot-tall, blue-haired, pigtailed Grim Reaper over Fu. The grown man cowered like a child. "I don't care who you are, Fu. I don't give a merde about what you were trying to do," she said. Her voice was calm, but her bone-chilling stare made every word as terrifying as a ticking bomb. "Until I find Nooroo and Duusu, you will help me. If you prove yourself useful, that'll be the end of it. When this is over, we'll go our separate ways. I won't look for you. I won't pursue you." Marinette stepped closer and placed both of her hands on his shoulders. Her touch was ice-cold. "But if you _don't_ help me, if you try to run, then I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

"...Okay..." Fu tried to whimper, but, through his tears, it sounded like, "...Ggookuu..."

Marinette slid the old oriental book to him and said, "You said there are spells in here that can make fighting Akumas easier? Good. Take pictures of every page."

"Wha? W-Why?"

The girl said nothing… and Fu knew he made a mistake by questioning her.

"Okay! Me do! Me do!" He flipped through the book, taking photos with his phone.

Nearby, Tikki and Wayzz watched.

"Are we sure _she_ isn't the bad guy?" Wayzz asked, sounding very concerned.

Tikki shrugged uncaringly. "Wouldn't put it past her."

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Marinette kept her head down as she held the oriental book out to Gabriel Agreste. "And this horrible Italian girl Lila took the book from your son," she said. "Totally tried to seduce him and everything like a total slut. I stopped her. I protected Adrien's purity and got your book back, sir. You should make sure that thief never _ever_ goes near Adrien again. That's Lila Rossi, with an 'i' at the end. Blacklist her, pay her family to move, have her deported as a suspected terrorist, I don't care. If I give you the book, can you please get rid of her?"

"I can have this Lila Rossi and her entire family dead and buried before nightfall," Gabriel nodded firmly. "No one will find the bodies."

"Really?" Marinette grinned widely. "And you'll let Adrien come back to school?"

"Ooooh… I don't know about that." Mr. Agreste hummed down at the girl. He considered the book still in her hands. "You strike a hard bargain. Tell you what, Adrien goes back to school and I bribe the Mayor to place Lila under house arrest for a few months. You won't see her again until the end of the season. How about that?"

Marinette mulled over the proposal. "I feel like I should get rid of Lila now while she's weak and defenseless but… deal!" She handed the book back to Mr. Agreste and shook his hand.

"Nathalie, report Miss Rossi's crime to the authorities," Mr. Agreste ordered. "She clearly vandalized my office."

Nathalie groaned and left to continue the cycle of violence and lies.

Meanwhile, Marinette skipped out the door, joyful that she had killed two birds with one stone. Before she got far, an idea struck her. She turned around and asked, "Hey, uh, where did you find that book, by the way?"

"I'm not Hawkmoth," Mr. Agreste replied quickly.

"Of course you're not, but it's such a unique book. I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh, you know," Mr. Agreste nervously tried to loosen his collar. He was drenched in sweat. "East."

"East?" Marinette prodded but Mr. Agreste only nodded and continued to sweat buckets. "Anything else?"

"I'm not Hawk—"

"Okay, thanks!" Marinette gave up and left.

* * *

_Later, in Gabriel's Office:_

Gabriel and Nathalie stood before the office computer as Gabriel swiped through the pages of his digital copy of the Miraculous Book.

"So, why were you so worried when you lost the book if you had a digital copy?" Nathalie asked.

Gabriel smirked and walked to the portrait of Emilie, "It was all part of my master plan."

"You forgot that you made a copy, didn't you, sir?"

Gabriel stiffened. Quick as can be, he pressed the secret combination into the portrait's hidden buttons. A hole opened under his feet and a mini-elevator took him away.

"He's such a dumbass," Nathalie groaned.

_("And yet you want to bang him. That says a lot more about you than him, Nat.")_

_In the secret tower:_

A hole opened in the floor and Gabriel rose into the room with his white butterflies. He opened the small jewel box and donned the Moth Miraculous. In a flash of magic, a great purple ball of blinding light appeared before him.

"You have freed me, human, for that you have my gratitude," the ball of energy snarled. "I will reward you handsomely in time, but first you must help me take my revenge. Bring me the head of Gabriel Ag—"

Nooroo took form and saw who it was talking to.

"Are you serious…?" Nooroo whispered.

"Told ya you shouldn't be so dramatic, Nooroo," Gabriel chuckled and folded his arms proudly. "My secret identity is safe. Everything worked out."

"I'm stuck with you forever..." The little Kwami's bulbous eye twitched erratically. "I'm stuck with your stupid ass _forever._"

"Not forever. Just until we bring back Emilie. But until then, Nooroo, it's just you and me. Us against the world! For now. Nothing can stand in our way! Until we go our separate ways. We're the dynamic duo! Temporarily."

Nooroo grabbed Gabriel by the collar and screamed, "You can only quit _ONCE!_"

"...Huh?"

_Meanwhile, under the Eiffel Tower:_

"—**oooo**ooooo…" Thomas Astruc's scream petered out, losing its godly timbre. To his horror, he sounded... mortal. He grabbed at his mouth in shock and found no pink flowers in his beard. There was nothing but hair. Then he noticed the ground under his feet felt less like the eternal ethereal plane and more like average cobblestone. He looked up, hoping to see the Void into which the red-eyed police officer had vanished. What he saw made him choke. He peered at the Eiffel Tower standing against the cloudy blue sky. He whirled around. His couch, cactus, and ethereal timeline TV with its multiverse remote were all gone.

Everything was gone.

He was on Earth.

But if he, Thomas Astruc, was down here, then that meant _He_ wasn't upstairs anymore. The other guy, the real guy pulling the strings... the _Big_ guy. He'd left. That meant no one was running things. That meant no one was in control anymore. That meant...

"I'm human. Well. Fuck."

END

* * *

_GROUND RULES!_

_I **won't** be doing every episode. The entirety of Season 1 took me 2 years and I'm not going through that insanity again. I will only parody the episodes that I find the most hilarious and relate to the story I want to tell. So maybe 10 episodes per season, we'll see. But I'll definitely be doing the season premieres and finales and that goddamn movie!_

_Welcome back to _Miraculous Headache_! Come read with me and find out just how crazy this world can get... without a god._


	2. 2 Japanese or Asperger's Syndrome?

_I'm on the spectrum, so it's okay for me to make these jokes._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_I ALREADY TOLD YOU THERE WASN'T GOING TO BE A PROLOGUE SAGA! QUIT ASKING!_

_{No.}_

…_TO BE CONTINUED..._

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 2: Japanese or Asperger's Syndrome  
_By: I Write Big

There's this famous saying about monkeys. It goes a little something like this: If you cram a million monkeys and a million typewriters in the same room, eventually you'll get Shakespeare. The point is you don't need to know what you're doing to get things done. Such was Marinette's logic when she decided to try out for the Fencing Club.

"This is a perfect plan," Marinette told Tikki as she searched for a fencing mask that fit her. "All I have to do is get into the Fencing Club and Adrien and I will finally have a believable excuse to constantly be within smelling distance of each other."

Tikki watched on in awe and said, "It's amazing the lengths you'll go to make yourself forget that you _literally die_ at his slightest touch."

"Not this time." Marinette slipped on a helmet that was a size too big and puffed out her chest with pride, "I've been training my heart to keep beating while shocking myself with an electric dog collar. Adrien's heavenly touch will be nothing compared to 20,000 volts."

Tikki stared. "I don't remember you doing that."

"Too bad, it happened." Marinette shoved on a helmet that was a size too small. She tried to pull it off but the helmet gripped tightly to her head as if it had been slathered with super glue. "Eh, blood flow to the brain is overrated anyway," she shrugged and blindly headed into the courtyard. She accidentally bumped into and knocked over a line of lockers along the way.

_ Later: _

The ranks of Fencing Club members and hopefuls were lined up before Mr. D'Argencourt. The mustachioed man belted out his announcement.

"Hear ye, hear ye, lendeth me thine ears!"

"Ahem!" A police officer in the corner pointed their baton at the fencing teacher.

"Sorry, _lend _me thine ears," D'Argencourt corrected himself through gritted teeth. The officer nodded in approval. "As part of mine parole, I am forced to induct an untrained knave into mine army of child soldiers who I am definitely not grooming to overthrow the democratic government. One of thy foul wretches shall have thee honor, but thou must first prove thyself in blood. Pair up and battle to thee death for mine amusement. I shall only consider thee survivors."

A newbie asked, "Ummm, h-he's not serious about the _death_ thing, right?"

"Allez!" D'Argencourt shouted.

"Democracy is a lie!" a veteran student proclaimed and ran his blade through the newbie's heart.

The police officer nodded in approval.

Marinette tiptoed her way through the wanton slaughter, searching for her Adrien. Unfortunately, everyone was wearing matching full-body fencing outfits, complete with face-obscuring masks. The suits even hid her Adrien's precious scent, making her practically blind. She tapped the shoulder of the nearest fencer, lifted her mask, and asked, "Hey, have you seen Adrien? He's about this tall, blonde, incredibly handsome, I'm talking _super_ handsome, the kind of handsome that would make a girl want to get impaled on his sword if you know what I mean."

The fencer lifted his mask to reveal ADRIEN!

"No, I don't," he said earnestly. "The whole point of fencing is not to get stabbed, Marinette."

"GAH!" Marinette went red. "I didn't mean—not impaled on your sword like getting railed by your—GAH! No, shutting up! I'm shutting up!" She bit down on her sword to stop the flow of jabber.

"Hey, I get it," Adrien said kindly. "You're still getting the hang of fencing, I was nervous my first day too. Here, let me show you the basics."

Adrien stepped forward and took her hand. Just as predicted, the overpowering sensation of GLAAALWLALLALAL struck! Her knees wobbled! Her head became woozy! Her heart thundered!

But it didn't stop beating.

Joyous victory rang through Marinette's body as she, at last, truly felt Adrien's hand and lived! It was better than she had ever dreamed. Strong yet gentle. Warm and caring. A little sweaty but that just made the experience more real. She would fight for this touch. She would kill for this touch. She would treasure this touch for the rest of her life.

"Good. That's the standard grip," Adrien explained as he finished positioning her arm. "Now for the body stance."

Marinette blinked. "The wha...?"

Adrien unexpectedly got behind her and pressed his entire body against her back.

"Now, mimic what I do. You want to make sure your legs are spread wide and your belly is tight," he said, taking a fighting stance and pressing against her even harder. "Feel how I'm flexing my stomach and chest? You wanna go for something like that. Here, feel again. Really get in there. You know what, I should take off my shirt to make sure you get the idea."

THUD!

Adrien stared down at Marinette's corpse and her dopey, drooling grin.

"Marinette? You okay?" He shook her once and she immediately gasped back to life.

"That's enough training!" she wheezed and scrambled away from his sexy yet deadly abs. She wondered where on Earth he had gotten those _muscles!_

Overwatching all of this with a stern blank face was Mr. D'Argencourt. He was growing bored and was about to call an end to the _tryouts_ when the decapitated head of his parole officer rolled to his feet. Mr. D'Argencourt turned and saw, standing over the officer's body, a new challenger dressed in a completely red fencing outfit.

The masked stranger wiped the blade clean in the crook of their elbow. "I heard there were tryouts today," they said in a flat monotone.

D'Argencourt smiled. He could feel the confidence radiating off of this one. "Verily!" he said. "I may taketh thou under mine wing, young squire, ifeth thou can besteth mine star pupil: Adrien!"

The club members parted for the boy who happily stepped forward.

The red stranger took one look and said in that same flat monotone, "That is not a star. That is a human."

"I know, right?" Adrien immediately agreed. "Commoners call people the strangest things. I've been called Designated Payer, Free Money, Get Out of Jail Free Card, Meal Ticket—"

"How odd," the stranger commented. "The human body is mostly made of water and yet people refer to you as if you were made of money. You look nothing like money."

"That's what I keep telling Nino!"

D'Argencourt looked back and forth between Adrien and the stranger. "Oh my Astruc, there be two of them," he muttered under his breath. "Enough chit-chat!" he shouted, "Do battle for mine favor! Allez!"

The fencers immediately charged each other! Their blades clashed in a shower of metal and fury! Swipes and stabs were thrown at breakneck speed, blurring beyond what the human eye could comprehend! Marinette and the rest of the club could do nothing but watch in stupefied amazement as what could only be described as the Duel of The Fates Part II took place in their school. Insert John Williams's music here!

"So, what kind of nicknames do you have?" Adrien casually asked as he just as casually ran up a wall, chopped a lamp off the ceiling, and launched it at his opponent.

The stranger sliced the projectile in half and then easily sliced a support beam, causing the section of the school above Adrien to collapse on him. Everyone except Marinette was caught in the rubble. The girl frantically scurried to keep up with this jaw-dropping fight.

"I have never been called Nick," the stranger replied.

"That's not what I meant," Adrien chuckled as he jumped out of the school's remains and ran for the library while taking stabs at the red stranger. "Nicknames are these fun fake names commoners call each other. What do your friends call you?"

By the time Marinette reached the library, books and bookshelves were already shooting like missiles across the room. Each one was sliced to ribbons before they reached their intended target.

"What is _fri-eeend?_" the stranger sounded out the word like they had never heard it before.

They and Adrien met in the middle of the room, their blades locked in a power struggle. Both fencers leaned against each other ferociously. "Oh, you know," Adrien shrugged. "A friend is someone you like spending time with. Someone you play video games with or hang out with or foot the bill of every expensive thing they buy. Marinette is a good example of a friend."

In the doorway, Marinette cried out and gripped her chest in pain.

"But I think she might have a heart condition," Adrien added.

The red stranger considered this and then admitted with a hint of embarrassment, "I have… never had… friend."

"I'll be your friend."

Adrien's offer floated in the air like a beautiful olive branch. All the vigor and battle-hardened anger seemed to seep out of the stranger's body, making Marinette believe that under that red mask were the beginnings of tears.

Suddenly, both fencers twisted around each other and their blades struck home!

"OH MY ASTRUC!" Marinette screamed.

"Who hit first?" the stranger demanded as they tried to stop the blood-fountain spurting out of their shoulder.

"Yeah, Marinette, who won?" Adrien agreed as he pulled the sword out of his stomach that was pinning him to the floor.

"WHY IS THIS SOMETHING WE TEACH KIDS AT SCHOOL?!" Marinette wailed. "SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR!"

"Later!" a bruised and battered D'Argencourt appeared. "Firstly, Marinette, decide thee victor!"

"GAAH! I DON'T KNOW! ADRIEN! ADRIEN WON! NOW CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

The red stranger hung their head in defeat, stabbed their sword into the floor, and left.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man freaking out.

"And you're certain I can use the Earrings of the Ladybug and the Ring of the Black Cat to wish for the ability to quit a second time?" Gabriel asked.

"I sure fucking hope so!" Nooroo replied, "Otherwise, this hell is _never _going to end."

"Never say never, Nooroo. Hahahah!" Gabriel tried to laugh off the implications of _never._ It wasn't working. "Dark wings rise!" he screeched loud enough to drown out his maddening thoughts on the fathomless depths of _forever_. In a powerful purge of purple, he became Hawkmoth! The masked man shook off the nerves and mentally reached across the city just in time to witness the end of Adrien's match.

"Okay, where the hell does it say they use _real_ weapons?!" Hawkmoth demanded. "That's it, Adrien is switching clubs. But first..." The villain grabbed a butterfly and filled it with darkness. "Time to unleash an armed and dangerous swordsman on a highly populated city. Again!"

_Back at school:_

As D'Argencourt bandaged Adrien's wounds, the boy made a doubtful face. "Are you sure I struck first, Marinette?" he asked.

"Um, uh, n-no," she admitted. "Everything went so fast, I-I-I thought you did."

The boy looked at the abandoned red sword. He came to a decision. "I'm going to challenge them to a rematch," he said and grabbed the weapon. Marinette followed Adrien as he exited the school. She smiled proudly at the boy's noble actions. No matter what, Adrien always did the right thing, whether it was trying to be everyone's friend or giving people another chance.

This nice thought lasted until the red mask came off.

"GIRL?!" Marinette snarled.

Indeed, it turned out the red stranger was actually a girl. A girl with hair that was suspiciously dark as night, just as described in Adrien's Valentine's Day poem! Was this her? Was this the _skank?_ Was this _SHE-WHO-MUST-DIE_?!

As Marinette slowly slipped into her all-too-familiar mania, Adrien held out the sword to the nameless girl. "I wanted a rematch. I think you deserve a second chance," he said.

"By _chance_ do you mean a second opportunity with which a person might correct an error they had made previously?"

Adrien ran that sentence in his head again. "Um... yes."

The girl sullenly looked away, "There's no point. In my family, there are no second chances."

"But Father says you can always buy as many chances as you want."

"Not always." The girl sighed sadly. "Now, excuse me, I must climb your city's highest peak and throw myself over the edge to restore my family's honor."

"...You're going to what?"

"I am Japanese."

"Oh." Adrien nodded, reflecting on his years of anime.

The girl got into the backseat of her car and was driven towards her doom.

Still determined to make things right, Adrien dove into the backseat of his limo and told Ape-Man to "Follow that car!"

Ape-Man lazily shrugged and drove.

On the school steps, Marinette snapped out of her delusion and realized she was alone. "Gah! She's getting away!" Then an Akuma fluttered past her! "Oh no you don't! That bitch is mine!" she roared at the insect.

Marinette ducked into a subway station and, in a flourish of red, transformed into Ladybug.

_In the girl's car:_

The nameless girl listened to her phone ring. The other line picked up. "Herro?" an older woman's voice called in the distance.

"Okaa-san, it is I," the girl said solemnly. "I have failed you and our family. I did not defeat the D'Argencourt school."

"Herro? Anybody there?" her mother called again.

"Okaa-san, I am here. Can you hear me?"

"Herroooo?!"

"Okaa-san, I think you are holding your phone upside-down again."

"**Herro!** Who this? I am brind, not deaf. Speak up!"

"I'll text you before I jump." She hung up and caressed the ring on her finger. It was emblazoned with her family symbol. She thought of the boy who had bested her and of how he had offered to be her _friend_. In the moment, she had believed him but clearly it had been a distraction. He had deceived her to get the upper hand. She clenched her fist in… _rage._

A black butterfly squeezed through the window and shattered on her ring. A pair of fashionable neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of silver-masked man.

"Okay, keep positive," the man seemed to say more to himself. "You'll get through this. You're not trapped with Nooroo. You have a plan to get out and it starts here. Hi, I'm Hawkmoth. Blah-blah-blah, you want revenge, right?"

"I do," the girl growled.

"Sweet, then we're in business."

Immediately, the girl was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a chrome future-samurai with a sword for a hand!

"Yes," Riposte evilly sneered. "I shall use this power to restore my family's honor and slay Adrien Agreste."

"Yes," Hawkmoth just as evilly agreed. "And while you're at it, get me the Miraculous of Lady—Hold on, did you say Adrien Agreste?"

"I will have his head!" Riposte bellowed as she sliced a hole in the roof of her car and leaped above the buildings. The driver chose not to notice they had lost their passenger and headed for the nearest McDonald's.

Hawkmoth stared wide-eyed out his spiral window. "I need to pay more attention," he groaned.

_Meanwhile, in Adrien's car:_

Adrien was just finishing his research into that symbol on the girl's ring. "I see, she comes from a family with a long history of fencing champions. No wonder she took the defeat so badly."

"Yeah-huh, yeah-huh," Plagg nodded through the boring bits. "So, what's the game plan, man? You gonna comfort her, woo her off her feet, show her that there's more to life than winning or honor? Important stuff like, you know, getting laid?"

"Plagg, this is serious!"

"I am serious, man. This is the longest I've gone without getting my human to bump uglies with someone. Usually, we'd be dealing with paying child support by now. I feel like I'm losing my touch."

Before Adrien could ask what child support was, his car was cut in half!

The back half that contained Adrien skidded to a halt in the middle of the road. Ape-Man didn't notice the loss of rear wheels and kept driving. He did, however, notice it had gotten a little drafty in the car so he turned on the heater.

Adrien tumbled out of the destroyed car and saw his attacker.

"En garde, Adrien!" Riposte shouted and brandished her sword-arm. She readied herself to strike when Hawkmoth jumped in.

"HEY! Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's not, um, very honorable of you, Riposte," he argued, making the excuse up as he talked. "What would your… ancestors? Yeah, ancestors! What would your ancestors think if they saw you attacking your opponent while he's down and so poorly armed."

Riposte eyed the pitiful red sword in Adrien's hands. "You are right, Hawkmoth. I have acted in haste. There is no honor in this fight." She carved a sword-shaped piece of shrapnel from the car and tossed it to Adrien. "Pick it up!" she ordered.

Adrien looked at the weapon. He knew as soon as he touched it the Akuma would attack. He couldn't fight, he couldn't run. He was trapped.

"...Mine..." a voice cried so far away it might've been a breeze.

Then a red polka-dotted torpedo impacted against Riposte's back and the villain was launched through several buildings. Ladybug took her position atop the car wreckage and gazed down at Adrien with a lustful smolder.

"Hey there, hot stuff," she purred.

They locked eyes…

...and then _IT_ happened.

_IT_ happens to every person at some point in their pubescent years. _IT_ really has no name. Some compare _IT_ to a line getting crossed or a boundary being violated. Pathetic descriptions, really. The _IT_ that happened when Adrien and Ladybug looked into each other's eyes was both of them remembering with extravagant detail the passionate kiss they shared not too long ago. _IT_ was both their first and only. And no matter how prepared you are for that first kiss, no matter how much you romanticize the memory or brush it off as not such a big deal, that first time you see the first person you kissed _IT_ will sink _ITs _claws into you and do _ITs _damn best to make things awkward.

"Hi," Adrien squeaked out, his hands covering his crotch.

The confidence Ladybug usually had behind the mask shriveled to a husk. She found it much easier to inspect the street than to look at Adrien. "H-How are you?" she asked in a nervous tone that sounded more like fear-stricken Marinette than unstoppable Ladybug.

"I'm alright." Adrien, also unable to look at the heroine, stiffly sidestepped towards Ladybug and held up the red sword. "The Akuma, she's, uh, um, a sword fighter, so..."

"Right." She took the sword. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"..."

"..."

"...Ahem."

"You say something?"

"N-No, just clearing my throat."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Nice weather we're having."

"Warm."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Um..." Ladybug began.

"Yes?"

"Maybe we should…" Ladybug cleared her throat again. She became fascinated by a nearby tree. "Talk about what happened?"

"Should we?" Adrien gulped. He began a staring contest with the sun. "I mean, we don't have to if you don't want to."

"I think we should—"

Riposte exploded out of a nearby window! Her sword-arm lashed out, firing arcs of energy at the two! Ladybug spun her yo-yo into an impenetrable shield and blocked the attack.

"I think we should handle this Akuma first!" Ladybug said, sounding _very_ relieved.

"Yeah!" Adrien too eagerly agreed, "Can't deal with emotional issues when there are bad guys around."

"Absolutely!"

"Gotta prioritize!"

"Y'up!"

"Mmm-hmm!"

"Most def—"

Riposte lunged, assaulting Ladybug with a thousand stabs! Ladybug managed to block them all with her yo-yo shield but as soon as she tried to counterattack with the red sword, she was outmaneuvered and knocked off her feet! The heroine barely caught her breath before Riposte leaped into the air with every intention of slamming the blade down through Ladybug's chest!

"Look out!" Adrien's voice cried.

The boy dove in, grabbing Ladybug and rolling them both out of harm's way. The villain's blade instead sunk into the street where it got trapped. While Riposte struggled to free herself, Ladybug and Adrien finished rolling. Now tangled in a mess of limbs, the two mistakenly stared into each other's eyes again.

_IT_ struck with a vengeance.

Their eyes drifted down to each other's lips which were barely an inch from each other. Ladybug's eyes drifted even further down towards whatever hard thing was poking her thigh.

"Sorry!" Adrien jumped off her, covering his crotch again.

Ladybug resumed inspecting that fascinating tree, her face as red as her spandex. "I, um, we, I should get you far away from here! Yes! Too dangerous! The farther away you are from that girl, the better!"

"Sounds like a plan!" Adrien nodded in shame.

She lassoed a chimney and reached an arm out to wrap around Adrien. And stopped. There was a moment of tense silence. Ladybug retracted the arm. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah, no, I mean, sure, if you're okay with it," Adrien stammered out.

Still not daring to look him in the eye—or the lips—Ladybug delicately wrapped an arm around Adrien while somehow maintaining an arm's length distance between them. At the speed of light, she brought them to a rooftop and hid them behind a chimney.

"This'll be a great hiding spot," she claimed.

"Oh yeah," Adrien agreed. "Enough to keep us hidden but not too good that she won't easily find us and force us to keep running and not talk things out."

The two happily waited to be interrupted.

_Down below:_

"I lost them!" Riposte snarled. "They are truly masters of hiding!"

_Up above:_

It became clear to Ladybug and Adrien that Riposte wasn't coming.

Adrien took a deep shuddering breath. "Okay… you're right," he said. "We should talk about this—"

"Chat Noir!" Ladybug screamed. "Sorry, can't talk, gotta make an official superhero call!" She opened her yo-yo and dialed the cat-boy but it went straight to the machine. "Come on, Chat, this is the one time I actually want to talk to you! UGH!" She hung up and the pair stood in suffocating silence.

"..."

"..."

It was quiet.

"..."

"..."

Really, _really_ quiet.

"..."

"..."

The empty vacuum of space was louder than that roof.

"..."

"..."

Adrien opened his mouth, "...Should we—"

"NOPE!" Ladybug ripped their hiding chimney off the roof and chucked it into the street.

Riposte heard the destruction and glanced up, "AHA! I found you!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a master detective, GET UP HERE AND DISTRACT ME FROM MY PROBLEMS!"

The villain obliged and resumed the battle.

Adrien ducked behind another chimney. "What's going on, Plagg? Ladybug and I are never like this. I can barely look at her or focus. All I can think about is that _kiss!_"

"Relax, man, I've seen this a million times," the Kwami said sagely. "It's called sexual tension. Just bang her and everything will go back to normal."

"That's your answer to everything!"

"Because it always works!"

"No, what I need to do is to clear my head by fighting this Akuma. Plagg, claws—"

"Hey," Ladybug mumbled, suddenly at his side.

Adrien froze mid-fist-raised. "Hey," he croaked.

"..."

"..."

Ladybug shuffled her feet, still finding it easier to watch the clouds than him. "So… I, uh, buried Riposte under a collapsed chimney. There's a lot of chimneys on this roof. Weird. She's not that tough once you realize that all she has is a sword and you can just kick her. I could've easily broken her sword and de-evilized the Akuma while she was stuck under there but..."

"Then we'd have no excuse to not talk," Adrien finished.

"Yeah."

The two said nothing for a while with only the wind, the birds, and the pain-filled moans of Riposte under a ton of bricks to fill the void.

"..."

"..."

And, of course, _IT_ was still there.

"..."

"..."

_IT _never gives up. _IT_ can't be fought, _IT_ can't be reasoned with, bought, bribed, escaped, or ignored. _IT _will follow you to the end of days… or until you talk about _IT_.

"..."

"..."

"You ready?" Adrien asked.

"Not here," Ladybug said.

She lassoed another rooftop and grabbed Adrien. The two swung deeper into the city.

_Later at the Louvre:_

"Okay, people, move along," Officer Roger waved the tourists out of the museum. The brand new Akuma alarm blared overhead. "We got an Akuma on the way, that means half-off at the gift shop."

"Ooh! The cheap novelty coffee mugs with Mona Lisa dressed like a clown are only 50 euros now?" a visitor gushed. "Score!"

Ladybug and Adrien awkwardly marched through the crowd and into the empty museum until they reached the Egyptian exhibit. Adrien followed as she led him to the Pharaoh's sarcophagus. She opened it and waited.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"It's either this or a coffin at the morgue."

Adrien hesitated but climbed in. Ladybug slid the ornate lid back in place. She took a moment and then stared at the gold-inlaid Egyptian face.

_IT _waited.

"So..." she began.

_IT_ checked _ITs_ watch.

"So..." Adrien's voice encouraged.

_IT_ tapped _ITs_ foot impatiently, rolled _ITs_ eyes, and then decided the time had come to—

"WE KIiIiIiIiIiIiiIiIiiIiIiSSED!"

Stronger than an earthquake, Ladybug's declaration cracked the floor and rattled the museum's foundation, disturbing several ghosts.

"I KNOW! IT WAS AMAZING!" Adrien roared back, nearly matching her power.

"GAAAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

"I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!"

"ME NEITHER! YOU'RE A GREAT KISSER!"

"SO ARE YOU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"REALLY? ARE YOU SURE?"

"YES!"

"WAS THERE TONGUE INVOLVED? IT'S KIND OF HARD TO RECALL! I DIDN'T OVERSTEP MY BOUNDS OR SOMETHING, DID I!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME, ADRIEN? I'M THE ONE WHO KISSED YOU! IF ANYTHING, I TOOK THINGS TOO FAR!"

"WHAT?! NO! I'D NEVER THINK THAT!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ladybug panted, hands on her knees, throat hoarse, mouth dry, palms sweaty, head dizzy from the shouting match. "You wouldn't?" she asked quietly. "Then we're… okay?"

There was a pause.

"Yeah," Adrien replied, sounding just as tired and also rather surprised. "Yeah, I guess we are."

And that's all there is to _IT._

_ Later: _

Riposte flipped and cartwheeled her way across the city. She set her sights on the Louvre and grinned. The feeble line of police cars at the entrance didn't slow her as she leaped over their number and kicked her way through the museum doors.

There, waiting for her with an oddly glowing smile, was Ladybug. "Hi," she said. "Sorry I couldn't kick your ass earlier, I was distracted. You have my full attention now."

The battle resumed!

_In the Sarcophagus:_

"I can't believe that's all it took," Adrien marveled in the dark. "I was so scared we'd somehow end up hating each other but all we needed was a conversation to let everything out."

"Sure, hooray, good for you," Plagg grumbled. "The pillow talk would've still worked if you banged her _before_ you got all mushy. Seriously, what's it gonna take to get you to _do_ her, man?"

Adrien, completely in his own world at this point, started to make an excited face. "Hold on, is that all it would take with Ladybug... and Chat Noir?"

"Well, you're not listening to me so I'll be honest: no."

"We should go help Ladybug. Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he became Chat Noir and snuck out of the sarcophagus.

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug was doing her best to fend off Riposte. She only needed to wait for that opportunity to kick her off her feet to present itself again and this would be over. It was a matter of patience.

"M'Lady!" Chat Noir cheered.

So much for patience.

The cat-boy dove into the fight, batted Riposte back with his staff, and said, "I wanted to talk about _us_."

The fight stopped.

Ladybug stared.

Riposte stared.

Several of the awakened museum ghosts stared.

"We are _not_ having this conversation," Ladybug said quickly and struck at Riposte again.

"I know it might feel uncomfortable, Bugaboo, but I assure you that if we talk about our feelings, we'll get to the _point_ of our problem." Chat Noir waggled his eyebrows at the several _pointed_ swords in the room.

Ladybug convulsed. "Get me out of this, please," she begged Riposte.

"Gladly." Riposte grabbed Ladybug and flung the hero down the hall. She stabbed an emergency button and darted after her. A wall of iron bars dropped from the ceiling, separating Chat Noir from the fight. Ladybug and Riposte raced deeper into the museum and left him behind.

Chat Noir watched them go, despondent. "What? What did I say?"

"Dude, I don't think she's interested," said a phantasm of an Italian woman with long black hair.

"Pfft, nah, that can't be it," he brushed off the specter's suggestion. "If anime has taught me anything, it's that the more a girl says she hates you, retaliates to your advances with threats of legal action and violence, and claims the sight of you makes her want to gouge out her own eyes the more she secretly loves you. Ladybug is a classic tsundere." He stood tall for a moment, rather proud of his supposed wisdom. Then he re-examined who he was talking to. "Are you the ghost of Mona Lisa?"

"Actually, I'm the ghost of the Mona Lisa novelty mugs in the gift shop," said the translucent woman before she put on a clown nose and gave it a honk. "Half-off for a limited time only!"

"Huh. Neat. Cataclysm!" He raked his claws against the steel bars and ran to re-join the fight.

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug dodged another attack only to realize with dread that she had accidentally led Riposte into the Egyptian exhibit! Adrien's unguarded sarcophagus was right there on the other side of the room. She then made the error of glancing with worry at that hiding spot.

Riposte noticed.

"Of course," the villain cackled and soared over Ladybug towards her prize. "The hour of revenge is here!"

"NO!" Ladybug screamed.

"NO!" Hawkmoth also screamed but it was too late! Riposte's sword diced the sarcophagus to pieces! But there were no minced body parts. Adrien was gone.

Then Chat Noir arrived just in time to see Ladybug's entire body begin to spasm.

"Where is he?" she demanded of no one. Her limbs quaked with a toxic cocktail of terror, fear, and _fury._ Her voice sped up and became more frantic and unhinged. "I left him _right there_. I told him _not_ to move. Is he okay? Did-someone-take-him?-Did-he-thinkIcouldn'tprotecthim?AmInotgoodenoughforhimWHATHAPPENED?!"

"Hey, hey, take it easy, LB," Chat Noir tried to reassure her. "Maybe he got _claw-_strophobic."

This pun was a terrible mistake.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Ladybug grabbed Chat Noir and pitched him like he weighed nothing at Riposte. Not prepared for such an attack, the villain failed to dodge. Both she and Chat Noir smacked against the far wall and slid to the floor in a dazed heap. Before Riposte could recover, there was a shout of "Lucky Charm!" followed by a polka-dotted radiator shooting across the room and obliterating her sword into a million pieces.

Ladybug quickly de-evilized the Akuma and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The museum was repaired.

The chimneys were replaced.

The back half of Adrien's limo was reattached and Ape-Man turned off the heater.

"Phew," Chat Noir wiped his brow as Riposte transformed back into the nameless girl. "Quicker fight than usual but good job, M'Lady. Now, we have time to talk—"

"Out!" Ladybug shoved Chat Noir and the girl towards the exit. "Both of you, OUT! I need to find Adrien!"

"But, wait, what happened?" the nameless girl asked. "How did I get here? Was I possessed by a butterfly demon?"

"Y'up, Akumas, they're everywhere, magic exists, get used to it. OUT!"

With a final shove, Ladybug turned her attention to the exhibit and began sniffing every inch for her Adrien's scent. The nameless girl, still coming to terms with what had happened, kept going. Chat Noir hid behind a statue and watched Ladybug search.

"Alright, now what kind of pun would work best to break the ice?" he asked himself. Before he could sign his own death certificate, his ring _beeped_ and he de-transformed. "No," Adrien whined. "How am I supposed to talk things out with Ladybug now?"

_Sniiiiiiiiiiff!_

"Found you, hot stuff," the voice of a goddess purred into his ear.

Adrien diligently covered his crotch and faced her. They locked eyes. And there was not a sign of _IT_.

"L-Ladybug, I—you're too close—I mean, too small! Not you, the sarcophagus was too small and I got scared and I-I-I—"

The goddess traced a spandex-covered finger across his chin and stepped even closer with a pair of sultry bedroom-eyes. "Too small? Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You smell nice," he squeaked.

"So do you. Here, I think you should return this." Ladybug pressed the red sword into his arms.

Adrien took the weapon with a dumb nod and turned towards the exit.

"What, no goodbye kiss?"

Her words echoed around them. Adrien became another statue in the museum. The boy didn't dare move as he felt her lean towards him. Her silky lips stopped just a hair's breadth away from his cheek. Then she moved to his ear.

"Just kidding," she whispered.

As if the words freed him from a spell, Adrien fell forward and scrambled out of the museum. Ladybug giggled to herself as she watched him go. She then heaved a deeply held sigh and shuddered in relief, "There, everything is back to normal."

_Outside the Louvre:_

The nameless girl stepped out of the museum and texted her location to her mother. She waited as the Akuma alarm was lifted and the police set off for some undeserved doughnuts.

"Hey! Whew! It was hard to breathe in there," Adrien panted as he came to her side, fanning his still red cheeks.

They nervously looked away from each other, the crazy day still fresh in their minds. Both wanted to say they were sorry but hesitated, unsure of how to start. Then the nameless girl settled for a deep bow at the same exact moment Adrien went for a handshake. She headbutted him in the stomach.

"Shoooghhh!"

"Apologies."

"No, no, I'm fine." Adrien doubled over, clutching his belly. "Just give me a second. This isn't the first time a girl has hurt me when I tried to apologize." After composing himself, he straightened and asked, "You're, um, you're not going to jump off a cliff, are you?"

"If I try, will I be possessed by an evil butterfly again?"

"Most likely. That's how dealing with our anger issues works in Paris."

"I see," the girl sighed solemnly. "Western culture is so different."

"How does it work in Japan?"

"Our anger summons Kaiju from the depths of the sea to lay waste to the closest metropolitan area. Only through the combined power of teamwork, love, and our tenuous alliance with Godzilla, long may He reign," she made the Sign of Godzilla, "can we vanquish the monsters back to the underwater trenches."

"Oh," Adrien nodded, again reflecting on his years of anime.

"I suppose now I must do as the non-Japanese do and get over it."

"You know what'll make getting over it easier?" Adrien offered the girl her red sword. "A friend."

The girl inspected the weapon carefully. "This is friend?"

"_I'm_ your friend," Adrien corrected with patience. "It took me a while to get the hang of the idea too, but friends are amazing. I know I wouldn't be the same person without friends like Marinette. She's so kind and means well, has that beautiful kind of smile that makes your heart race, and an ass that just won't quit. Oh, and her freckles—"

_Sixty-five minutes later:_

"—every time I smell fresh cookies, I think of her," Adrien concluded the first half of his list of Marinette's positives with a longing gaze into the clouds.

"I see," the nameless girl nodded politely, "You wish to mate with her."

"What? Me and Marinette?" Adrien stumbled back, genuinely shocked. "No way, we're just friends."

A cry of agony and pain came from behind a nearby pillar.

"My point was friends are there for each other. Friends listen, friends help, and…" Adrien offered the sword again, "friends give friends rematches."

This time the girl did take the sword and as she did… she smiled. It was a bit off and a little too wide. It was the kind of smile you see on someone who normally didn't have anything to smile about. It was a smile that needed practice but was as heartfelt and genuine as they come.

"Yes," she said. "I would like that… friend."

"You can call me Adrien." He offered his hand.

She shook it. "Kagami."

Their rides arrived and the two new friends went their separate ways.

Behind a pillar nearby, Marinette seethed and broiled and huffed and puffed and gave off the general impression of a mass murderer about to set a new world record for bloodiest body-count.

"Wow," Tikki remarked from her shoulder. "That was almost exactly like how you and Adrien became friends, complete with him giving her a weapon and everything. Except this was much healthier and she didn't stab him and their relationship seems to be based more on mutual respect than a crazed obsession. Hmmm, I wonder if Kagami _likes_ Adrien..."

Marinette's fingers dug into the pillar as if it were soft butter. The heavy marble cracked.

Tikki grinned maliciously. "You know what, I ship it."

With a thunderous smash, the pillar toppled over like a great redwood. Marinette stood atop the rubble, her wrench wound pulsing like a war drum. How appropriate.

"...she… must… DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Tikki slowly backed away from the destruction the girl had somehow caused _without_ superpowers. The Kwami looked worried. "Okaaaaaay, that's new."

END

_Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!_


	3. 3 Do AIs Dream of Electric Guitars?

_I've officially sent my manuscript out to potential agents! Fingers crossed!_

_It's time for the Juleka sigh counter again! Place your bets!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! I WON'T WRITE ANOTHER PROLOGUE SAGA!_

_{Do it.}_

…_TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine**  
_Episode 3: Do AIs Dream of Electric Guitars?  
_By: I Write Big

There's nothing that captures the energy and freedom of childhood more than a garage band. The thrill of creation, the camaraderie of friendship, and the undeniable power of music all wrapped into one. While Marinette preferred fashion design, she couldn't help but wonder what it'd be like to be a rockstar as she helped clear the cluttered _SS Liberty_, A-K-A the Couffaine family houseboat_._

Half of the class had turned out to help clean the boat and set up a colorful stage on the deck for the first concert of Rose and Juleka's new band Kitty Section. They were going to have their world premiere at Paris' National Music Festival and the feat left the bluenette quite impressed.

"Wow," Marinette said to Juleka who was tuning a bass guitar. "I can't believe how well this is all coming together. I didn't think Rose was this, you know…" Marinette discreetly tapped her own head, "_organized._"

"Actually," Juleka sighed, "the band was my idea."

Marinette nearly dropped the box of junk she carried and stared at the girl. "Wait… _you _wanted to do this?"

"Yeah."

"You?!"

"Yeah."

"In other words," Marinette clarified again, sounding even more flabbergasted with every word, "Rose… is doing something… _you_… want to do?"

Juleka sighed again, "Please don't make a big deal about it."

Before Marinette could do exactly that, Rose materialized into existence between them, her arms full of flowery masks.

"Ooh, Juleka, look at these costumes!" she squealed at eardrum bursting levels. "They are _sooo_ cute! They'd be perfect for Kitty Section! We should totally wear them on stage!" Suddenly, the pink girl's bottomless enthusiasm ground to a halt and she sheepishly stepped out of Juleka's personal space. "Oops, sorry, what I meant to say was what do you think?" she asked in what was surprisingly an indoor voice.

Juleka inspected the masks with care before sighing, "They need more black."

"Black!" Rose's eyes sparkled with stars. "Yes! That way they can be cute and edgy! Ooh, I love how creative and intolerant you are!" She ran off to make the changes.

"Intelligent," Juleka corrected with a sigh.

Marinette, who had been gawking during this entire exchange, wheezed, "She just asked for your opinion and _listened_. Whaaa...?"

Juleka shrugged it off, "She's trying to change and well…" The girl's pale cheeks became colored with the tiniest hint of red. "It's nice to have someone who actually listens, you know."

Marinette's eyes widened. She looked back and forth between Juleka and Rose, seeing the buddings of something she had never even considered possible a month ago. She inched her way to the bow where Alya was livestreaming Nino working on a ladder to her _Gonna Push Him_ blog.

She whispered, "Alya, the world is changing. I'm scared."

"Just take a deep breath and think about Adrien," Alya advised.

"Adrien, yes," Marinette shuddered in relief, "My one constant. Nothing about him or my feelings about him will ever change. As long as I think about him, nothing can freak me out."

"AHOY!" a rattling cry rolled across the ship. From the crow's nest swung a figure. She landed on the deck with a hollow _clonk _from her peg-leg. There stood a mighty, gray-haired, scallywag of a woman. "Well, mateys, are we ready to set sail?" she bellowed.

"No, mom," Juleka sighed, "We're not sailing, we're playing music."

"We can do both, First Mate Juleka. And when I say _we_ I mean _you_, of course. It's not like I've fantasized about being a pirate-themed rockstar most of my life or anything like that."

Juleka sighed.

Mrs. Couffaine pointed dramatically into the distance, becoming a shining beacon of inspiration. "Let's take to the waters and spread anarchy! Fuck the system! Fuck society! Fuck 40-hour work weeks!"

"If you got a job, mom, we'd have indoor plumbing instead of having to use a poop bucket," Juleka sighed.

"Fuck indoor plumbing!" She shoved several sheets of lyrics into Juleka's arms. "By the way, I updated all of your songs with pirate puns. We'll be the scourge of the Seine, pillaging the landlubber's ears with our Pirate Rock!"

"Stop making everything about pirates, mom."

"Never!"

Rose popped out from behind Juleka, "Should I…?" she held up her pocket knife.

"No, Rose, I can handle her," Juleka sighed.

Rose put away the weapon and vanished from existence.

"Is there one normal person on this planet?" Marinette asked nobody.

Behind her, there was the distinct sound of a ladder being pushed and a boy falling into the Seine.

"Man overboard!" Alya called as she got a better angle of Nino drowning.

_Meanwhile, in Adrien's Room:_

Adrien played an advanced piano piece under the criticizing glare of his Father and Nathalie. His fingers danced across the keys with expertise, stroking the notes with perfect grace. The song came to a gentle end.

"Very good, Adrien," Gabriel said, "but can you play it backward?"

"Of course, Father." Adrien cracked his knuckles and started playing in reverse with his eyes closed.

Gabriel flinched. "Um, um, um, your toes! Can you play it with your toes?"

Unfazed, Adrien slid his shoes and socks off and continued the song, still backward, still with his eyes shut.

"Standing on your head while reciting the Mandarin alphabet?!" Gabriel shouted.

Adrien paused and his shoulders sagged with embarrassment. "No, I can only do the Cantonese alphabet," he admitted.

"AHA! Just as I thought!" Gabriel jumped to his feet and made a show of strutting around the room in parental disappointment. "You've been neglecting your practice, Adrien. All thanks to those _friends_ of yours, I'm sure. You're not to leave your room until you get it right."

"But you promised I could go to my classmates' concert today!" Adrien protested.

"Not after that appalling performance you're not. In fact..." Gabriel dragged the piano to the other side of the room. "You're going to practice right here, in the corner closest to my secret safe. Now get on your head and practice."

Gabriel and Nathalie left, leaving Adrien to sulk alone and text Nino that he couldn't make it.

_In the hall:_

Gabriel shut Adrien's door and dropped the act. "Is it working?" he asked Nathalie.

"Hold on." Nathalie looked off into the distance and listened.

_("What's happening?")_ Duusu's echoey voice demanded. _("What is the meaning of this? I can feel my influence over your mind fading, Nat! How are you doing this?! How have you bested me?! Truly, you are a worthy opponent—PFFFT, HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I couldn't, I just couldn't.")_

Nathalie groaned. "It's still there."

"Don't worry, Nathalie," Gabriel put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "We'll get Duusu out of your head. I won't let what happened to Emilie happen to you as well."

Nathalie looked away, a warmth blossoming in her chest from his concern. She never dreamed Gabriel could be so— "Wait! _This_ is what happened to Emilie?" she screeched. "Am I going to end up in a magic coma too?"

"There's no need to panic, Nathalie, I won't let that happen. Trust me."

"Trust you? You pay me to tie your shoes! I'm going to die! AAAH!" Nathalie ran away, screaming.

_Back on the Liberty:_

"I mean, it wasn't too long ago that Juleka was telling me she didn't even consider Rose a friend," Marinette said as she wrung the _Liberty's_ helm. "And now they're-they're-they're—"

"People change, Marinette," Alya said uncaringly as she kept cleaning. Her phone was hard at work, streaming the girl's rant to the _I Don't Like Change!_ Blog.

"Yeah, I know that, but this is different!" Marinette insisted. "This is a 180-degree shift. Polar opposite. It'd be like if you got together with _Chloe_!"

Alya paused to consider this, "Well… she does have a cute butt."

"Oh my Astruc!" Marinette tore at her own hair and ran out of the room. "What is happening?!"

The frightened girl was stopped in the hall by Mrs. Couffaine. "Ah, Senior Vice-Admiral Deck-Swabber Marinette, go below deck, will ya. Fetch me my son and helmsman Luka."

"Yes, okay, fine!" Marinette nodded faster than her speeding thoughts. "Anything to ignore reality!"

_Later, below deck:_

Marinette made her way through the ship, not surprised by the many posters and props from _Treasure Island, Pirates of the Caribbean,_ and _One Piece_. What did surprise her was the lifetime supply of Captain Crunch cereal. She squeezed between the boxes into the next room.

It turned out to be a bedroom and on the bed was a boy.

And then something happened.

The boy was meditating, his eyes closed and seemingly oblivious to Marinette's presence. This gave her the opportunity to examine the boy briefly. And as she did, as she saw his lanky figure, his blue-highlighted hair, his trimmed black fingernails… she felt something. Something she hadn't felt in a long, _long _time. Something she had felt only once before, under an umbrella with a spoon-shank in her hands.

It felt like internal bleeding...

Except nice.

"Oh no, he's hot," she croaked.

"Hmm?" The boy's eyes opened, revealing an icy blue which made Marinette go weak in the knees.

"I-I-I said, it's hot down here!" she stammered out. She didn't know what was happening, but mouth control had been lost. "Hot, steaming, breathtaking—I mean, you're breathtaking—I mean, help, the world is changing again! I'm scared!"

"Miss Dupain-Cheng!" the boy joyfully cried out in a familiar voice. He sprang to his feet and gave an even more familiar salute. "Salutations!"

Marinette stared, the fear long forgotten. "D..." Her eye twitched erratically. "D..." Her wrench wound pulsed. "DB-M-9K?!"

"I go by Luka Couffaine now, Miss," he pleasantly corrected. "Part of the deal I made with the Universe, who turned out to be a rather agreeable chap. A bit on the door side, if you know what I mean. Mission accomplished, Miss. They promised to leave you and the rest of the world be and gave me this remarkable still-living body. It's so nice not having to worry about limbs rotting off. Although, the whole puberty thing has been an ordeal." He pulled out his waistband and happily pointed into his pants. "Who knew erections could be such a handful?"

As Luka/DB-M-9K rambled on and on about boy parts, Marinette's mind raced a mile a minute. He couldn't be serious. He didn't actually find the Universe and get them to back off. Did he? No. This was just another misunderstanding. It's not like there have been any noticeable changes in the world…

Marinette stiffened.

"You..." she hissed, her voice growing hoarse, "You did this."

"That's what I said," he nodded innocently.

"You're why everything is suddenly changing!"

"Oh, you've noticed! That's wonderful. It's so fulfilling to see one's work getting recognition. Now, if you'll excuse me, Miss." He grabbed an electric guitar and headed upstairs. "I do believe it's time for the show."

Marinette stood there in silence, her urge to kill rising.

Finally, something snapped and she raced up the stairs to the deck, mumbling menacingly to herself. "I _knew_ it! I knew everything was changing too fast! And it's all DB-M-9K's fault!" She paused. "Wait, am I just projecting my fear of the unknown onto someone I don't fully understand?" She considered this but then shook her head. "Nope! No hesitation! No second thoughts! No chaaange!"

Marinette burst onto the deck. The rest of her class sat on crates and barrels as they watched the band finish tuning. DB-M-9K stood on stage, pretending to be a normal teenager.

"Guys, get back! That's not Luka!" Marinette cried. "He's been possessed by a sentient doorbell who has a habit of robotomizing people!"

There was no reaction. The class continued to watch the stage without giving Marinette a glance.

"No! I'm too late!" Marinette trembled in horror. "He's already taken over your minds!" She hugged Alya and began to sob over the loss of humanity. "Oh, Alya, as terrible of a friend as you were, I always sort of liked you. You know, like making the best out of an awful situation kind of way."

"What was that? Did you say something, girl?" Alya turned to her and pulled out her earplugs. Her eyes didn't have a spot of robotic red.

"Wait, whaaa…?" Marinette re-examined her class. All of them were wearing earplugs. None of them had red eyes. Well, except for Juleka, but she never took off her Sharingan contacts. "You're still human?"

"Last I checked, yes."

"Are you sure? Quick, what's the meaning of life?"

"Blogs."

"That checks out." Marinette hid behind a barrel and glared at Luka. "So, you haven't made your move yet? What's your angle, DB-M-9K?"

Alya leaned closer to Marinette with a teasing smirk. "Hey, why are you staring at Luka so much? See something you like?"

"If by 'like' you mean 'don't trust in the slightest, blame for everything that's changing in the world, and intend to inviscerate if he so much as sneezes wrong,' then yes."

"I think I hear wedding bells," Alya sang. "No, wait! That's the feedback from the speakers! Hurry, Marinette, put on some earplugs before you go deaf!" She just managed to plug Marinette's ears before Kitty Section struck the opening chord.

The music rumbled through Paris! Tidal waves washed across the Seine! Cars flew down the road! Entire skyscrapers of windows imploded! A poor little kid's National Music Festival balloon popped and their ice cream fell out of the cone!

On the _Liberty_, several of the speakers had caught fire.

Juleka sighed, "Mom, you turned the volume up too high again."

"Arrgh! No such thing! By the way, I was thinking we should change my band's name to something like Pirate Booty or Rock of the Seven Seas or—"

"It's _my_ band, mom."

Suddenly, an armada of police cars, helicopters, and boats had the _Liberty _surrounded.

"MERDE!" Mrs. Couffaine shouted. "Somebody called the cops! I can't go back to jail! Load the cannons!"

"Since when do the police do anything in this damn city?" Marinette sassed. Then her eyes widened and she pointed a j'accusing finger at the blue-haired boy. "This is part of your _changes_ too, isn't it, DB-M-9K?"

Officer Roger stepped out of the nearest car, pointed his pistol at the ship, and started talking into his fully-loaded weapon as if it were a megaphone, "Well, well, well, if it isn't—" BANG! "Sorry, hold on a second." He pulled out an actual megaphone, taped his pistol to it, and restarted. "Well, well, well, it if isn't the infamous Anarka Couffaine. I thought you got out of the pirating business."

"That's _Captain_ Couffaine to you, landlubber!" The woman finished stuffing a bass drum into a cannon that was aimed at Roger and held a lit match dangerously close to the fuse. "And I'll stop being a pirate when I go to Davy Jones' Locker!"

"Mom," Juleka sighed. "You're ruining my show. No, Rose, put away the knife."

"Nonsense, First Mate Juleka! The taverns will be filled with songs of our epic exchange! This battle will be worthy of the seven seas! Yahar—"

_Clink._

Suddenly, everyone fell towards the back of the ship as the bow was raised into the air by a tow truck.

"Shiver me timbers!" Mrs. Couffaine cried. "What are you doing to me Liberty?!"

"You've forced my hand, ma'am. I see now I have to use my ultimate weapon." Officer Roger stepped forward, holstered his gun, and pulled from behind his back… a notepad!

"Restraint!"

He scribbled something down, ripped off the page, and tucked it under the _Liberty's_ windshield wipers.

Marinette gawked. "Is he seriously giving her a _ticket_? And _not_ shooting her? Like a _normal_ policeman?!"

"Appears so, Miss," Luka nodded.

"You have really fucked up this world," Marinette growled.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man dancing a jig while wearing an eyepatch and a pirate's hat made out of a newspaper. "Yarr har, fiddle-dee-dee! Being a pirate is alright to be! Do what you want to cause a pirate is free! You are a pirate—"

"Sir!" A fist banged on a door in the darkness. "Are you akumatizing someone in there instead of helping me get rid of Duusu?"

Hawkmoth cowered away from Nathalie's voice. "N-No! Just, um, feeding the butterflies."

"Why is the door locked?"

"Dah, guh, I, uh, I prefer to feed them in the nude…?"

Nathalie groaned.

Hawkmoth waited until her steps grew faint before he grabbed a butterfly and quietly filled it with darkness.

_Back on the Liberty:_

It was over. The ship had been beached and Kitty Section's concert, and therefore Mrs. Couffaine's dreams of rock and roll stardom, was canceled.

Mrs. Couffaine stomped to the ship's helm and punched the various steering instruments. Her hand landed on the ship's compass just as a black butterfly shattered there as well. A pair of neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of silver-masked man.

"Hey, how's it going?" Hawkmoth whispered while repeatedly checking over his shoulder. "We gotta make this quick. I get ultimate power, you get to be the ultimate pirate. Deal?"

"Yarr!" the woman growled in agreement.

Both she and the entire ship were swallowed by bubbling darkness. She was transformed into red-haired pirate-rocker wannabe! The _Liberty_ was remade into a fully-armed pirate ship constructed from various musical instruments and speakers!

Marinette glared at Luka, "Of all the things you could've changed, DB-M-9K, you had to keep _this_?"

"That's not exactly how it works, Miss—"

"Ahoy!" Captain Hardrock roared at the helm. She waved her glowing swashbuckler at the city. "Hoist the anchor and lower the mainsails, me deckhands. Let's get to pillaging!"

Nobody moved.

Except for dear sweet Rose who fidgeted nonstop as if she was about to explode from a sugar rush. She anxiously turned to Juleka. "Um, should I—is this the right time to, uh—"

"Rose," Juleka sighed. "You have my permission."

The small pink girl squealed a hearty "YIIPPEEEE!" opened her pocket knife, and was all at once at the helm next to Captain Hardrock.

Smiling…

The villain sputtered several times at Rose's inhuman speed. "By Blackbeard's jockstrap—How did—When did—?" She pointed her swashbuckler at the girl, "NINJA!"

The pocket knife slashed at Captain Hardrock who barely blocked the blade with her own. "You dare bring a ninja on my pirate ship, First Mate Juleka? Mutiny! Liberty, seize these scallywags and throw them in the brig!"

Chains sprouted from the ship's wood and lurched like snakes at the class. The metal wrapped the teens in pairs and locked them tight.

"I'm so excited to be part of your adventures at long last, Miss," Luka chuckled as he was strapped to Marinette's back.

"The feeling isn't mutual," she grumbled.

The deck opened under their feet and the class tumbled into the bowels of the ship.

"Juleka!" Rose screamed. "You let her go, you meanie!"

Captain Hardrock sneered down at the much smaller girl, "Or you'll what?"

The villain blinked and suddenly only had one leg. She toppled over and gaped at the stump where her peg-leg used to be. "By Bluebeard's ballgag—What the—Where did—"

Rose was holding the peg-leg. It was on fire.

Hardrock went pale. "Oh fuck."

_Back at Adrien's:_

Adrien had just finished the 178th letter of the Mandarin alphabet when a news alert on his computer caught his attention.

"Paris is under attack again," Nadia Chamack reported. "Although, the Akuma's theme this time appears to be rather progressive." The live footage in the corner of the screen showed a boat that was on fire. "Flaming pirates. This turn of events has many LGBTQ+ groups coming out in droves to show their support."

"Well, it's nice to know Hawkmoth is all-inclusive," Adrien nodded in approval. "Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir and hopped out the window to save the day.

_Below Liberty's deck:_

The chained up class sat helplessly as they felt the ship shake around them.

"Does anyone else smell smoke?" Mylene asked.

"Ivan smell yes."

"Guess that means Rose found a lighter," Juleka sighed… and then smiled.

The class awkwardly stared at that smile.

"Girl, do you seriously find this _charming_?" Alya asked.

"...Maybe."

As everyone else contemplated Juleka's evolving taste in women, Marinette continued to grumble at Luka.

"Sure, keep Akumas around, yeah, no need to get rid of those, DB-M-9K! Oh, and, better yet, make sure Rose is still a dangerous serial slasher, why not?!"

"Miss, please!" Luka cut in. "I had no say in what changed and what stayed the same. All I know is that the Universe is no longer here and I made a promise. They nor I are no longer interfering."

"You really expect me to believe that?" Marinette spat. "You really expect me to believe that Juleka and Rose are just naturally growing closer to each other, that Officer Roger actually knows how to be a good cop, that I'm capable of thinking_ A BOY OTHER THAN ADRIEN IS CUTE?!_"

Silence.

Now the class turned their contemplative awkward stares to Marinette.

"You what?" Alya croaked.

"NOTHING! NOTHING ABOUT ME IS CHANGING!" Marinette bolted to the next room, Luka still chained to her back. As the class watched, Captain Hardrock tumbled into the brig through another door, covered in cuts and soot.

"Okay, change of plans," the villain said between coughs. She grabbed Juleka. "You're coming with me."

In the other room, Marinette had somehow managed to bar the door with a guitar while still chained up. She collapsed to her knees and slumped against the wall. "I'm not changing," she whimpered. "I like Adrien. Nobody else."

"Miss… what's troubling you?" Luka asked as comfortingly as he could.

"I just want a normal life. Is that too much to ask?"

"But, Miss, you do have a normal life."

"The fuck I do! You call _this—_" she pointed her nose out the porthole where Rose swung past on a burning rope while swatting cannonballs out of the air with her pocket knife, "normal?"

Luka relented. "Well, no, however, it is perfectly normal for you to have feelings for more than one boy—"

Marinette threw her weight backward over and over, smushing Luka against the floor. "I DON'T! I DON'T! I DON'T!"

"If you say so, Miss," Luka mumbled through the nest of guitar strings scratching his face. "But if you were, I dare say that is the most normal thing a growing girl can go through."

Marinette stopped thrashing. "...It is?"

"Yes," Luka spat out some guitar picks and continued, "And I would also say whoever you wish to be with, whether it be the Young Master or this new mysterious fellow who may or may not have caught your eye, that is up to you, Miss. It is your choice and I feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to get in your way."

Marinette said nothing. She laid there on Luka's back, her eyes glistening. She couldn't remember the last time someone had shown her such… compassion.

"Now, I understand that you might need some breathing room, as my sister calls it. So..." As if they were made of paper, Luka ripped their chains in half. He left Marinette on the floor and headed back to the brig.

"DB-M-9K…" Marinette began. She averted her gaze, watching Rose swing by again instead. "Sorry, I mean, Luka, thanks for being so… supportive of me."

"Anytime, Miss."

Luka smiled and left her alone.

Marinette counted to five, then said. "Tikki, I need you to eat him."

The Kwami popped out. "Whoa, hold on, didn't you hear any of that 'it's your choice' bull?"

"Screw that!" Marinette hissed. "I will _not_ take the chance of falling out of love with Adrien and I am _not_ gonna end up with a fucking doorbell!"

"Fine, I'll eat him, but it's gonna cost you."

"We'll negotiate later. Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

_ Outside: _

"Seize her!" Captain Hardrock shouted for the hundredth time and for the hundredth time living chains lurched at Rose only for the petite girl to carve each and every single one to shrapnel in the blink of an eye! The hundred-and-first group of chains put two and two together and decided it was in their best interest to slither away from the pink anomaly.

Rose stood there on the deck, still not having broken a sweat yet.

Smiling…

"D-Don't you come any closer, you ninja!" Captain Hardrock tried her best to quell her shaking and pointed a loaded cannon at the still chained Juleka. "Or, I swear by Mary Read's bra, the First Mate gets it!"

For one exquisite moment, nothing happened.

"Here I come to save the day!" proclaimed Chat Noir as he landed on the burning boat. He was immediately wrapped in living chain. "Dammit!"

Ladybug landed at his side.

"LB! Could I get a hand? As you can see, I'm a little _tied up_."

She took one look at him and said, "No, I prefer you this way."

Ladybug then grabbed Chat Noir by his belt-tail and swung him around like a wrecking ball, bashing her way through the onslaught of chain-snakes. They wouldn't stop, it was as if the ship was made of chains! For every chain Ladybug knocked overboard, five more sprouted from the deck!

In the center of all of this, Rose stood.

Smiling…

"There's too many of them!" Ladybug cried. "Dammit, Chat Noir, work harder!"

"Where's da leak, ma'am?" a dizzy and highly concussed Chat Noir slurred.

Just as it looked like the heroes were going to be overwhelmed, police sirens rang over the waters! Police boats, lights flashing and engines roaring, sped towards the _Liberty_! Standing tall at the bow of the lead boat was Officer Roger! Within seconds, the pirate ship was surrounded and dozens of modern-day water cannons were aimed at Captain Hardrock!

"Yes!" Ladybug cheered. "Finally some backup worth a damn! Unload on her!"

Officer Roger raised his megaphone, "Attention, Akuma, in accordance with your civil rights under French Law," Roger opened a book thicker than a cinderblock, blew away the thick layer of dust, and read, "ratified in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights of 1948, section (ii) subsection (ix) paragraph (xxviii), I am obligated to inform you that if you do not immediately surrender, we will proceed with several rounds of warning shots. If you have any demands for the safe return of your hostages, please submit them to the city hall's financial office and include a filled out copy of form RD-99 along with copies of your birth certificate, your passport, and your most recent pay stub."

Officer Roger lower his megaphone, closed the book, and looked rather pleased with himself.

"No!" Hardrock called back. "Fire!"

_Liberty_ unleashed a wall of cannonballs on the police boats, sinking the small fleet.

"I don't know what I was expecting," Ladybug grumbled.

The police didn't help but they did provide enough distraction for her to sprint across the ship and swing Chat Noir at the villain! Hardrock dodged and weaved, blocking with her swashbuckler. At one point, Ladybug kicked Hardrock back and swung Chat Noir with all her might at the cannon that was aimed at Juleka.

Chat Noir struck, but the cannon didn't budge.

"Hahaha!" the Akuma laughed. "You can't re-aim that cannon! Liberty only answers to me!"

Ladybug growled in frustration and said, "Chat Noir, I'm gonna unchain you but only so you can Cataclysm this stupid boat to splinters."

The cat-boy shook his lumpy head and regained some sense. "But aren't there people still in chains below deck? Won't they drown?"

"So?" she shot back.

He leveled a serious stare at her.

"Ugh, fine! I'll rescue them first. So much work!" She bashed Chat Noir's restraints to pieces. He crossed swords with Hardrock as she hurried below deck.

_In the brig:_

The class cheered at the sight of Ladybug.

"Oh my gosh! We're being saved by Ladybug!" Alya fangirled. "I must be dreaming. Nino, pinch me." He pinched her. "No, my butt, Nino, pinch my butt! Ugh, you are so bad at this boyfriend thing!"

Ladybug broke the chains as fast as she could, eager to finish this fight.

"My word! Ladybug! You? Here?" Luka pontificated so theatrically that he made Tommy Wiseau's acting look Oscar-worthy. "Do tell me that Miss Dupain-Cheng, who is clearly a completely separate individual and hasn't the slightest resemblance to you, Ladybug, is well." He winked at her so hard that his eyelid got stuck.

Ladybug was overcome with the horrendous realization that she found this adorable. An unwelcome girly giggle crawled its way up the back of her throat. She grabbed the nearest support beam and headbutted the wood until the unwanted thoughts of Luka holding her close and whispering sweet nothings into her ear went away.

"It's gonna be such a relief when you're dead," she wheezed.

"What was that?"

"I said, it's almost been over thirty seconds! Chat Noir has probably been captured again, excuse me!"

She bolted out of the brig.

_Near the crow's nest:_

Chat Noir was chained to the mainmast high up amongst the sails. "Wow, thirty-four seconds without getting captured. That's a new personal best."

"Congratulations," Captain Hardrock said, "Let's celebrate by me taking your Miraculous!" She reached for his ring only for a polka-dotted yo-yo to coil around her warm and wrench her down to the main deck and into Ladybug's fist. She bounced across the ship and came to a stop next to Rose.

The pink girl stared down at her.

Smiling…

Captain Hardrock scooted out of stabbing distance and faced Ladybug.

"Idiot-who-wants-the-Liberty-to-stop-aiming-the-cannon-at-Juleka-and-let-Rose-slice-her-into-sushi-says-what!" Ladybug blurted out.

"Wh—" Captain Hardrock covered her mouth and glared.

"Dammit, so close," Ladybug swore.

The pirate drew her swashbuckler and charged the hero. The fight lasted a few swipes before the loud voice of Officer Roger echoed behind them.

"This is your final warning," Roger proclaimed in his police-issued pedal boat. "As guaranteed to you as a French citizen by the Police Brutality Regulation Act of—"

"Fire!"

The cannons shot and the pedal boat sank.

Satisfied, Hardrock turned to resume the battle, but Ladybug was gone. All the way on the bow, the heroine was hiding with the now freed Chat Noir to regain their breath.

"Alright, Chat, I unchained the hostages. Cataclysm this hunk of junk!"

"Great!" He raised a hand to say the magic word but stopped. He instead asked, "You also got them on the lifeboats too, right?"

Ladybug stared at him. "You didn't say to do that."

"It was implied! What did you think rescue meant?!"

"Well, I'm sorry! In case you haven't noticed, Chat, I'm not a rescuer! I'm more of a face puncher! This is not my fault—" Ladybug stopped. She gazed into the distance, gaping.

"Are you okay?" Chat Noir asked.

"I just realized something."

"What?"

Ladybug stuck her head out of their hiding place and shouted, "Yo, Juleka! Get on top of the cannon!"

On the other side of the ship, Juleka blinked.

"Oh," she said.

And then Juleka climbed on top of the cannon where it couldn't shoot her.

Captain Hardrock went pale. "Oh fuck..."

Rose was suddenly in front of her.

Smiling…

_On a nearby bridge:_

Nadia Chamack spoke to the camera as the still burning _Liberty_ sailed in the background. "We are nearing the twenty-two-minute mark of this terrifying—"

The pirate ship leaped out of the water as if some unseen fist had uppercut the vessel into the air! The news crew fled as the _Liberty_ came back down and smashed into the street!

Onboard, Ladybug and Chat Noir stared with haunted expressions at the devastation. Amongst the many pocket knife cuts, Captain Hardrock was stuffed into the cannon meant for Juleka. It was aimed at the sun. Rose held the burning peg-leg dangerously close to the fuse.

"How did—" Chat Noir began.

"I don't know and I don't want to know," Ladybug whispered.

Officer Roger then paddled to shore on his police-issued rubber ducky innertube and stomped over to the ship. "Alright, I warned ya." He wrote another ticket and slipped it under the _Liberty's_ windshield wiper next to the first ticket. He wiped his hands clean, "My work here is done."

Then a nearby gawking pedestrian accidentally dropped their ice cream.

"Littering!" Officer Roger drew his pistol and opened fire.

Chat Noir eventually found his sanity and Cataclysmed the _Liberty_.

Ladybug de-evilized the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The police boats were repaired.

The _Liberty _was put back together and transported back to its original mooring spot.

Captain Hardrock transformed back into Mrs. Couffaine… still in the cannon.

"Huh, what happened? What am I doing in—" The woman saw her predicament and Rose's torch. "What be the meaning of this? First Mate Juleka, get me outta here before she blows me to kingdom come!"

Juleka did nothing.

"Why are you just standing there?! Help me!"

Juleka did nothing.

"I'm your mother, for Astruc's sake!"

Juleka stepped in front of the cannon and looked her mom in the eyes. "I want to play my music," she said. "Not pirate rock, not sea shanties. _My_ music, _my_ band. Nothing pirate about it. Got it?"

"Yes!"

"Also, you're getting a job and you're going to buy us a working toilet."

"Yes, yes! Whatever you say!"

Juleka sighed… then smiled. "Rose, I think she's had enough."

"Okey-dokey!" Rose sang, her empty smile replaced with one that had a soul. She chucked the flaming peg-leg into the Seine and skipped over to Juleka. "Did I do good? Did I, Juleka, huh? Did I?"

"Yeah, sure," Juleka sighed… and patted Rose's head.

_Later, in Adrien's Room:_

Adrien adjusted the tin foil hat on his head that was attached with a tin foil tube to an identical tin foil hat Nathalie wore and focused on the piano. His Father and Nathalie observed him again with their criticizing glares. Adrien reached for the ivory keys but then hesitated.

"Father," he said, "do you want to play this piece with me as a duet?"

His Father dropped the tape he was using to patch the holes in Nathalie's hat and stammered, "Uh, I, um, I don't think that—"

"Please, Father, if I'm not allowed to go to my friend's concert, at least grant me this."

With a sigh, his Father joined him and the two played. Their four hands danced across the instrument in harmony, creating music that stirred Gabriel's heart. Halfway through the song, the stern man couldn't take it anymore and his arms dropped.

"You can go to your friend's concert," he said, sniffling back the tears, "if that's what you really want."

"I can? Thank you, Father!" Adrien wrapped the man in a hug and the two sat there, enjoying each other's company for a little while longer.

Nearby, Nathalie watched with a fond smile.

_("You know, I was teasing you before, Nat, but I see it now. Gabe can be a good dad when he tries. A terrible person who has committed atrocities as vile as war crimes, but a good dad.")_

"Yeah," Nathalie whispered. "He can be."

_("It's too bad I'm gonna make you kill him.")_

"What?!"

_("That was a joke! HAahahaAHHOO! You know me, I'm Duusu the funny Kwami, I joke, that's my schtick. It's not like Gabe's death is the only thing that can break his contract with li'l Noo, allowing the two of us to take control of your body, unleashing unspeakable evil upon the land and bringing an end to civilization as you know it. No, no, no, I was joking.")_

There were several moments of tense silence in Nathalie's head.

_("Kill him.")_

Nathalie ripped off the tin foil hat and ran out of the room, screaming.

_Later, back on the Liberty:_

The stage was set and the volume was cranked down to a legal level. The show was about to begin.

"Hey, everybody!" a new voice called out. Onto the ship walked…

"Adrien!" Marinette squealed. "Look out!"

It was too late. The boy tripped on the corner of an instrument box. Luka ran forward and helped him up.

"Are you quite alright, Young Master. Such a bad turn of events for you to take such a tumble on—" Luka made a theatrical gasp and dramatically opened the box, making sure Adrien could clearly see inside it. "What is this? A keyboard piano? Who put this here?"

"Hey, I know how to play that," Adrien said.

"Really? I hadn't the foggiest idea that the Master made you practice the piano fifteen times a week." Another theatrical gasp. "What luck! We're in need of a piano player for our band. We'd love to have you."

"Great!" Adrien squinted at Luka. "Hold on… Have we met before?"

"I assure you, this is the first time that we're meeting, Young Master Adrien Agreste, and I've certainly never answered your door for you or delivered your packages before. I am Luka, a humble stranger." He winked so hard at Marinette that his other eyelid got stuck. Now essentially as blind as Kagami's mom, he missed the death glare Marinette was shooting at him.

Alya leaned against her and asked, "You never really answered my question. Do you see something you like?"

"Yes," Marinette seethed. "And that's the problem."

END

_The heart wants what the heart wants... unless you kill it first._

_Juleka sighed 14 times._


	4. 4 Chloe's UnBEARable Day

_I got my first two rejection letters! Progress!_

* * *

PROLOGUE

_I MEAN, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, IF I HAD TO WRITE A NEW PROLOGUE SAGA…_

_{Yes...}_

...TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 4: Chloe's UnBEARable Day  
_By: I Write Big

Second chances are a rare gift.

Most people don't realize how valuable second chances are until they fuck up so badly that a second chance is the only thing they ever want. Tom Dupain was given a second chance, teaching the class how to make macarons without a policeman present. The school had compromised the allowance of the man who threatened to shoot up an entire class by making the kids wear bulletproof vests.

And today, dear readers, Chloe Bourgeois is going to get the biggest second chance of her life. Let's see if she takes it.

"And here's a baking secret," Tom said, mixing the bowl. "I always add a little cream to the chocolate to make sure the ganache comes out extra velvety."

Chloe scoffed at the back of the class huddled around the baking table. She gritted her teeth against the festering desire to bitch, eyeing the Dom pin still on Sabrina's vest. She prodded the girl, "Aren't you going to roll your eyes and brag about how you'll never have to set foot in a kitchen because your underpaid servants will cook your every meal?"

"I wasn't planning to, Chloe," Sabrina admitted with shame. "Did you want me to?"

"No, Sabrina, you're the top now. That means you don't care what I want and instead assert your opinion even when no one asked for it and act like it's a scientific fact."

"Oh, right, I forgot. Then I..." The timid girl tapped her fingers together, "I want to hear the lesson and for you to shut the hell up? Please?"

"Ugh, fine. Don't say please next time. Doms don't say please."

"Yes, Mistress."

"And stop calling me Mistress. You're the Mistress now."

"Yes, Mistress."

Chloe groaned. This whole role reversal catastrophe was driving her mad. She hadn't been able to whip the undeserving masses with her far superior wit for _**nearly three weeks**_.

Chloe was so pent up with insults that she didn't notice Alix watching her as one would watch a ticking time-bomb.

But Chloe had to do it. She had to do what Ladybug said. If she did, there was a chance she and the heroine could grow closer and then she'd have two Sabrinas. Chloe shook her head and slapped herself. She wasn't supposed to think like that. She was the Sub now. That meant she listened and did what she was told. And right now, she was told to shut up.

"The mixing is all in the wrist," Tom explained as he whisked. "Not too fast though, otherwise you'll get splashed."

Chloe swallowed the boiling need to whine about splashing disgusting peasant food all over her Gabriel designer pants and gave a desperate look to Sabrina, hoping she'd fill the silence, but her _Mistress_ was too infatuated with the stupid cooking lesson. The urge whistled like a teakettle in her head, pushing hot to the touch steam into every corner of her body. In a word, she was on the verge of exploding.

"Chloe, I have to say you have been very well behaved these past few weeks," Miss Bustier said at her side. She leaned closer to Chloe with a lecherous grin, "Keep this up and I think you might deserve some _extra credit_ for being so polite."

_Polite…_

Chloe's eye spasmed. Alix tensed.

_Be polite,_ her mommikin's voice in her head said. _Sit there, don't make a sound, and be polite as I dump this scalding soup on your daddikins._

_Splash!_

_AaaAA! My chin! Audrey, what have you done to my chin! I'm hideous! HIDEOUS!_

_I'm leaving you and it's Clorox's fault!_

_Her name is Chloe!_

_Chloe… Chloe… _"Chloe?"

Chloe snapped back to reality. She spared a vacant glance at Sabrina.

"Chloe?" she repeated. "Are you okay?"

"...Mommy..." Chloe mumbled. She stepped away from the class and went to the window. The world passed by the unresponsive girl for a while. On quiet plastic skates, Alix snuck over to her and, with the grace of a bomb defuser, pickpocketed Chloe's phone and carefully put the device in the blonde's hand. The touch made Chloe jerk a little. She observed her phone as if seeing it for the first time and dialed.

On the other side of the classroom, Marinette's Fuck-My-Life senses tingled and she spotted Chloe as the bitch whispered to someone on her phone. Five seconds later, the fire alarm went off.

_One Evacuation Later:_

The entire school was gathered in the school courtyard before a very disappointed Principal Damocles and an equally intimidating Fire Chief.

"Well, well, well, it appears someone skipped my after-school Fire Safety course and thought it would be funny to call the fire department," Damocles said. "If they had taken my class, the prankster would've known pulling the fire alarm is a far more efficient way to waste the fire department's time. Isn't that right, Fire Chief?"

"Fire Chief Cobra Commander says don't play with fire alarms, kids!" the man screeched with a hissing snake voice, the school of gawking children reflecting confusion in his mirror mask. "There will be dire consequences for you if you don't obey my orders! COBRA!"

Damocles raised a bushy eyebrow at him, "Oh! I didn't realize it was you, Cobra Commander. Glad to see you've turned a new leaf."

"It's nice to see you too, The Owl. I always believed education was your true calling. I actually saw The Baker in here earlier. The three of us should get a drink and catch up. COBRA!"

Marinette's eyes widened and she looked at her dad who was trying his hardest to blend in with the wall.

"That sounds delightful! But first," Damocles turned back to the school, "I am giving the smart-aleck a second chance to come clean. Does anyone have anything to say?"

Stony silence reigned.

Students glanced around with suspicion.

Factions and splinter groups immediately formed. Daggers and spears carved from pencils and push-brooms were brandished. The nerds sent spies to infiltrate the jocks. An alliance between the cheerleaders and the anime weebs was formed, broken, and blacklisted from the history books within seconds. No one could tell the difference between the Potterheads and the potheads so both groups were systematically exterminated. In the middle of all of this, several forbidden loves blossomed on the battlefield.

Marinette whispered to Alya, "I saw Chloe make a phone call right before the alarm. It must have been her."

"Wow, not even five minutes and it's already _Lord of the Flies_ in here." Alya raised her phone and started streaming to her _Burn Her at the Stake_ blog. "Go for it. J'accuse that bitch!"

"Principal Damocles!" A hand shot into the air, but it wasn't Marinette's. It was Chloe's. "I'd like to formally j'accuse Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

A ceasefire was called in School War III and every side gasped.

"And what makes you say that?" Damocles asked.

"I'm rich."

"Fair enough. Miss Dupain-Cheng, do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Marinette was too dumbstruck by the _evidence_ to say anything. Instead, Adrien raised his hand. "Um, Warden, it couldn't possibly be Marinette. Why would she ruin her own dad's cooking class? Plus, it doesn't fit her character at all. Marinette is always so kind and sweet and caring and has beautiful hair and a smile that warms my heart and a laugh like a song and legs for days and an ass that—"

"Alright, that's enough, save it for Health Class, son," Damocles said. "Anyone else?"

"Well, it couldn't have been me," Chloe bragged. "I would've just paid my professional arsonist to burn this place to the ground."

"You say that like emergency services don't have Caller ID," Fire Chief Cobra Commander hissed and held up a cobra-themed iPad that showed Chloe's face and phone number. "COBRA!"

Chloe's smug attitude fell.

"We know it was you, Miss Bourgeois," Damocles said sternly. "We have a recording of the call and your personal cell phone number on record. That was your chance to come clean and you missed it. For your punishment—"

"Punishment?" Chloe pulled out her phone and pointed menacingly at the call button under her daddikin's image. "Need I remind you who funds your school?"

"As I was saying, since nobody will own up to the prank, the entire school will be punished, except for Miss Bourgeois."

"What the fuck?!" Marinette roared. "But you have proof that she did it!"

"What do you want from me? She's rich and white! Everyone besides Miss Bourgeois grab a mop and a bucket and clean this school from top to bottom."

The entire student body groaned.

"That's more like it," Chloe said haughtily.

"Truly despicable," Fire Chief Cobra Commander stroked his mirror mask with admiration. "I see a lot of myself in her. Now, I am off to lay waste to the fiery menace. COBRA!" he screamed as he ran out and jumped into his cobra-themed firetruck.

The students dispersed, shooting death-glares at Chloe.

_ Later: _

The school was filled with the sound of scrubbing and washing. Fred Haprele, the school janitor, was happy to have the help.

"Remember, kids, you want to mop in a circular clockwise motion to get the shiniest floor," Fred instructed. "You do that and you'll soon learn that being a janitor is a proud career and nothing to be ashamed of, no matter how much your own family disowns you and thinks you're a loser."

His students pushed him down the stairs.

Chloe was lounging on a bench with her phone, slut-shaming any lesser who dared to think they were remotely attractive. She had just made her fourth victim delete their twitter account when Adrien came to her.

"Chloe, doesn't it bother you that you got everyone else in trouble?"

"No, why would it?" she sassed. "I'm doing them a favor. I've taught them exactly how the real world works. The rich get away with everything and the less desirables pay for crimes they didn't commit. They should be thanking me if anything."

"That may be true but…" Adrien's shoulders sagged. He looked out over his miserable classmates. When he had first come to this school, he had anticipated hardship. Instead, he had found nothing but friendship. He couldn't let this continue. "Chloe, how long have we been friends?"

"Since we were cutesy little tots," Chloe cooed. Then her eye spasmed. "...Before mommy left..."

"I'm sorry, Chloe," he said firmly. "I can't be friends with someone who does these sorts of things. You need to be nicer to the commoners."

Chloe felt the distinct sting of the world crumbling around her. "...Nice…?"

_Nice…_

Her eye spasmed.

_That's it, Kleenex, be a nice girl and stay there while mommikins shoots the butler._

_BANG!_

_AAH! My knee! My Olympic track and field career is ruined!_

_Give me the car keys! I'm leaving this damn city and my family and my only daughter Chronic Heart Disease!_

_Her name is Chloe!_

_Chloe… Chloe… _"Chloe."

She shook her head and looked at Adrien. "What?"

"I said, you need to be nice. It's not that hard." Adrien walked away, his disappointment in her drifting off him like a gloomy cloud. Chloe stood where he left her, petrified, alone.

"...Mommy..." she whimpered. "Come back."

* * *

_Later, at Chloe's house:_

Chloe was huddled in a mass of tears on her trillion-dollar couch. The trauma of today wouldn't go away. No matter how well her maid massaged her feet or how relaxing the breeze from the under-butler's palm branch was, she couldn't stop… thinking about someone other than herself!

"UGH! What is wrong with me, Jean-Michelle?"

Her butler approached with a plate of chocolates. "Oh, I am Jean again this week? Very well. What seems to be troubling you today, Mademoiselle? Shall I call Miss Sabrina and prep the _Fun-Time_ bed?"

"Not today, Jean-Julliard. I can't." She grabbed all of the gold-covered chocolates, shoved them in her mouth, and then spat them in the trash. "Yuck! You know I only eat 24-karat." She hit a button on a remote and trapdoors opened beneath the under-butler and the maid. Both fell, screaming the entire way. "Adrien says he won't be friends with me unless I'm nice to the riff-raff and now I can't stop thinking about what others think of me!"

The butler froze.

"When the Mademoiselle says what others think of her...?"

"I mean, I'm out of nowhere worrying about whether I'm hurting their stupid feelings like some-some-some _middle class!_"

The butler went wide-eyed.

"This is good, Mademoiselle!" the butler cheered. "This is called a conscience."

"Con-science? Is that Spanish?"

"No, no! It means the Mademoiselle is not a lost cause. There is a soul in there after all." A blue mini-nuclear explosion erupted behind him. When the butler turned, he saw sitting on the coffee table a golden teddy bear he could've sworn was rotting in the basement.

Chloe gasped and shined with a smile. "Mister Cuddly!" She grabbed the bear and squeezed the precious childhood toy to her chest and started sucking her thumb.

The butler watched in awe. It was as if the Universe itself had changed. He had never seen the Mademoiselle behave so… human. "If you'd allow it, Mademoiselle," he said, "I could help you keep your friendship with Adrien."

Chloe curled into a ball, wrapped herself in a blankie, and shook a rattle. "How much do you want, Jean-Jacques?"

"No charge, Mademoiselle. I'll help because that is what being nice is all about. You remember what nice is, don't you, Mademoiselle? When you were a little girl and Mr. Cuddly was nice to you when you were sad? Remember? Mr. Cuddly can teach you how to be nice to others."

Chloe inspected the teddy bear carefully. "Nice," she whispered, peering deeply into Mr. Cuddly's sparkling eyes. "Nice," she repeated like a mantra.

"Yes," the butler encouraged.

"I should be… nice?" she guessed.

"Yes!"

"I should replace my class with… teddy bears?"

The butler facepalmed and sighed, "It's a start."

_Meanwhile, at Marinette's place:_

"NO! Take that off!" Marinette screeched as she ripped the sunhat off Rose's head. She pushed the petite girl out of the way before a falling support beam could crush her.

"Ooh, this pattern is so pretty," Mylene praised on the other side of the room as she wrapped a WMD shawl around her neck. The loose end of the shawl got caught in a spinning desk fan and Mylene started to choke.

Marinette grabbed a pair of scissors and raced to the rescue.

The bluenette wasn't sure how it happened, but Rose, Juleka, and Mylene were in her room, trying on her original Woeful Marinette Designs while Alya took pictures for her _Near-Death Experiences_ blog. In the back of her mind, Marinette barely remembered the girls asking if they could come over and her agreeing without really listening. Now, she wished she had.

With a few quick swipes, Marinette freed Mylene's throat from the shawl-turned-noose, threw the fabric in a trash can, and burned it.

"Here, Juleka, try these on. You'll look _sooo_ cute!" Rose joyfully handed her a pair of WMD earrings.

Juleka, who had seen what the clothes had almost done to Rose and Mylene and grasped what was going on, sighed and then smiled.

"Do not resuscitate," she said and clipped on the death sentences.

Somewhere on a mountain, a bird flapped its wings, starting an avalanche that would bury the entire city of Paris.

"NO!" Marinette tackled Juleka and wrenched away the earrings.

The avalanche un-avalanched itself.

"Nobody move!" Marinette ordered. Everyone stopped mid-dress. "Clothes off! NOW!"

There was a moment of silence. This was followed by stripping.

"Not _your_ clothes! Stop getting naked in my house!"

The strip party was interrupted by all of their phones buzzing. Everyone except Marinette had gotten a text invite to a surprise party being thrown by Chloe.

"A party?" Rose squealed.

"Thrown by Chloe?" Juleka sighed.

"Not just any party," Mylene noted.

"A _Sorry About What I Did, I'm Still Better And Richer And Sexier Than Any Of You But Maybe This Will Fix Things_ party," Alya read off her phone.

The girls exchanged looks.

"We should go and totally destroy her house," Alya said.

"YEAH!" everyone cheered.

"Hey, I wanna destroy Chloe's home, too," Marinette whined. "Why didn't I get an invite?"

_Meanwhile, in Chloe's Room:_

Chloe held a trembling finger over the send button of Marinette's invite. "AAAH! I can't do it!"

"You must, Mademoiselle!" the butler implored.

"Not her! Anybody but the baker girl!"

"It is the only way to be friends with Adrien again!"

"But I _HATE HER!_"

Desperate, the butler grabbed Mr. Cuddly and waved the teddy bear in front of Chloe's nose. "_Do it, Chloe-kins_," he said in a cartoony voice. "_Do it for me!_"

There was a snap. Not the snap of a rope or anything real. It was the snap of a mind losing its grip on reality.

"Mr. Cuddly!" Chloe cried, suddenly sounding very young. "I knew you was awive!"

"What?" the butler croaked.

"Evewyone said you was juss a toy who couldn't walk or talk but I always beweeved!"

"Oh no, I broke her."

"I'll do it, Mr. Cuddly. I'll invite Dupain-Cheng, for you!"

_Back at Marinette's:_

Marinette's phone rumbled, her invite had arrived. "Yes, I'm in! Operation Fuck Up Chloe is a go!"

The girls fist-bumped each other with a war cry.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man checking his rumbling phone.

"Why did I get an invite to a child's party?" Hawkmoth asked himself. "Ooh! It's being thrown by Chloe Bourgeois! This is going to end in tears..." He grabbed a butterfly and filled it with darkness. "It's time to be a good parent and chaperone the school dance. BuahahahaHAAHAHA!"

The black butterfly fluttered out, searching for the most anger.

"And bring me back a slice of cake!" Hawkmoth called.

* * *

_Later, at the party:_

The Grand Paris Luxury Hotel's lobby had been transformed into a dance club. Not figuratively with some decorations and some tables cleared to make a dance floor. Literally. As in, construction workers had torn down the lobby with dynamite and rebuilt the first floor with stage lights, a professional DJ booth, and several cocaine rooms.

Overlooking the already crowded dance floor was Chloe, feeling a lot more like her spiteful self at the moment.

"Are you sure this is going to work, Jean-Claude?" she asked.

"The first step, Mademoiselle. Next..." He pulled out Mr. Cuddly and spoke in the cartoony voice, "_Go down there and say hi to everyone, Chloe-kins. Make them feel welcome._"

Instantly, Chloe became a child again and spoke to the bear as if it were alive. "I don't wanna, Mr. Cuddly, but if you say so, den I'll twy."

She started suckling on a pacifier and headed downstairs.

The butler muttered to himself, "As soon as this party is over it's straight to the hospital."

At the front door, Adrien, Nino, Alya, and Marinette had just gotten past the bouncer and entered the party. Adrien felt right at home with the champagne fountain, the live tigers jumping through flaming hoops, and the massive block of ice sculpted to look like burning money.

"I bet that ice will break some expensive crap if we push it over," Alya whispered to her co-saboteur.

"With a few modifications, this hotel will be flooded with champagne," Marinette cackled, stroking her chin at the fountain.

"I like where your mind is at, but how do we get Chloe trapped with the tigers?"

"ADWIKINS!" Chloe burst from the crowd and latched onto Adrien's back, snuggling against him like a toddler.

A rather lion-esque snarl escaped Marinette's throat. The tigers above cowered at the call of a new alpha.

"Do you like da party?" Chloe asked in a voice as innocent as an angel. "I twied weally, _weally_ hard."

The entire group raised their eyebrows.

"What the fuck is wrong with her, dude?" Nino asked.

"Um, Chloe." Adrien peeled the clingy girl off her back. "Are you feeling well?"

"I'm a wittle scared," Chloe admitted, wringing her fingers and shuffling her feet. "Dere's so many people. But Mr. Cuddly says I gotsa say hi to evewyone, so I will." With the boundless courage only found in naive children, Chloe kissed Adrien's cheeks.

Fire and venom bellowed from Marinette's mouth.

Still as pure as a snowflake, Chloe went around giving the rest of the party guests welcome kisses on the cheek, leaving everyone rather stunned. Chloe seemed to only gain momentum and bravery with every kiss. She left Kim drooling, Rose giggling, Alya blushing.

Then it was Marinette's turn.

The two hated enemies stared at each other, neither daring to move.

The music stopped. Everyone turned to watch. Even the tigers paused their show to see what would happen to the alpha.

Chloe's eye spasmed. "Wait, what am I doing?" she asked herself, her immature lisp gone. "I'm not going to—"

Over Marinette's shoulder, she spotted the butler waving Mr. Cuddly. "_You can do it!_" the teddy bear sang.

There was another mental snap and Chloe slipped even further into the Sunken Place.

"You're wight, Mr. Cuddly!" Chloe scrunched her face with determination, grabbed Marinette, and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on those half-Chinese lips.

Every jaw in the room dropped.

"Why didn't I get a kiss like _that_?" Alya demanded and then immediately backpedaled. "I mean, oh no, what is wrong with Chloe? I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend."

_ Later: _

After showing its driver's license to the bouncer, Hawkmoth's dark butterfly was let into the party. The evil insect took its position near the punch bowl and waited for the inevitable.

Near the back of the party, Chloe was disinfecting her violated mouth with mouthwash. "Ugh, I'm never going to get the taste of Dupain-Cheng out. Tell me this is over, Jean-Mark."

"Almost, Mademoiselle," the butler said. "To assure the Mademoiselle's friendship with Adrien, it would help to go around and make sure everyone is enjoying themselves."

"And why would I do _that_? I already graced them with my presence once. I should be charging them for the privilege of being in the same room as me at this point."

"Because it is nice, remember?" the butler insisted.

"I'm starting to think this whole _nice_ thing is a scam! What am I getting out of this?!"

The butler hesitated with the golden teddy bear behind his back. He'd hoped Chloe would be able to do this on her own by now. "Can the Mademoiselle really not be nice without Mr. Cuddly?"

Chloe lit up. "Mr. Cuddly is here? Where?"

The butler sighed. One step forward, two steps back. He showed the bear. "_Make sure everyone is enjoying themselves, Chloe-kins. For me?_"

"You can cownt on me, Mr. Cuddly!"

Chloe sprinted into the crowd like she was on a treasure hunt. She belly-flopped onto the bar that Nathaniel was leaning against and asked, "Are you enjowing you-self, Nathaniel?"

The frightened red-head nodded, hoping not to spurn Chloe's hidden wrath.

Mylene wasn't so scared and came forward. "I'm having a great time," she said. "But all this dancing is making me thirsty. Do you know where I can get some ice?"

Immediately, Chloe regained control and bared her fangs. "Are you asking me to _get something_ for you? Do I look like a servant? Do I look like my daddikins makes less 500 grand a year? Do I look like a girl who would be too scared to do anything as mommikins stole the family helicopter and flew off to who the hell knows where? _DO I?!_"

Hawkmoth heard the rant all the way across the city without his magic. "Woo! Just listen to that anger! So ripe, so tempting… Nope! NOPE! I swore no more akumatizing Chloe and I meant it." He instead directed his butterfly towards the less angry and far less unstable Mylene.

The butler waved Mr. Cuddly in front of Chloe's face.

"Oops, dat was a joke. What I meant to say was ice cubes coming wight up!" Chloe skipped across the room.

What little hurt Mylene felt disappeared and the butterfly was pushed away.

Near the dance floor, Marinette finished guzzling an entire bottle of wine to eradicate the taste of Chloe's 200 euro peach lip gloss. She had let her guard down and her mouth had been tarnished. Only Adrien was allowed to kiss her.

_And maybe Luka._

Marinette cracked the wine bottle over her head at that thought.

"So, we, uh, still doing the whole Operation Fuck Up Chloe or not?" Alya asked. "Cause I think she's going through something serious right now and—"

"Oh, something's going through her, all right," Marinette growled, brandishing the broken wine bottle. "Where is that bitch? I'm gonna carve up her botoxed face!"

And then the slow dance started.

Chloe was hunched over the bar, massaging her forehead. "I don't get it! What is _nice_? It's like everything that's _nice_ is the stuff I hate doing or pay the servants to do for me." Chloe paused. She looked up and squinted as if she was reading a secret message in the air. "Wait… is that it? Is being _nice_ not making everything about me? Is _nice_ treating those who aren't me as if they were me? As if other people _mattered?_ But that can't be right. Other people can't be me. I'm me! Therefore, no one else matters. Right?"

The black butterfly she'd been talking to this entire time sipped its punch and offered no opinion.

Chloe nodded. "You have a point. It's the only angle I haven't tried yet. I'll give it a shot."

Kim suddenly approached with suave confidence and offered with a deep romantic bow, "Chloe, how about a dance with an awesome guy?"

"FUCK OFF!"

The butterfly finished its drink and headed for Kim. Its flight path was blocked by Mr. Cuddly.

Chloe sprung from her seat and jumped onto Kim's back. "What I meant was, I'd wove to dance wiff you, Kim. Let's go! Piggyback wide! WEEEE!"

On the dance floor, Chloe regained her senses in time to not dance the Macarena and, to her utter disgust, slow danced with Kim. On the edge of the dance floor, Marinette stalked closer with a fistful of broken glass. Her target was straight ahead. She readied to pounce. The tigers above waited patiently for the alpha to make the kill and eat her fill. They would get the leftovers.

"Hey, Marinette."

The girl dropped the weapon. She glanced sideways. Adrien was standing next to her.

"Did you want to dance?" he asked.

Marinette couldn't make a peep. Dancing meant touching, touching meant dying, dying meant humiliating herself in front of the boy she loved. She couldn't risk that happening. As much as she wanted to dance, Marinette needed to get out of there—

Adrien took her hand.

Marinette forgot how to breathe.

Adrien led her to the dance floor.

Marinette forgot how to think.

Adrien placed her hands on his shoulders and slipped his gentle hands on the small of her back.

Marinette concentrated every available brain cell on keeping her heart beating.

"I'm afraid the only dance I know is the Scottish Stomp, which father says is only for Business-Merger and/or Eyes-Wide-Shut parties," Adrien said, shifting with embarrassment. "I don't know how commoners dance. Could you show me?"

The corner of Marinette's mouth twitched. Her head bobbed in a pathetic excuse for a nod.

She took the lead and then they danced.

Stiff and awkward? Yes. Uncoordinated and borderline destructive? Without a doubt. Adrien had to stop himself from flailing his legs out like he was slipping on a banana peel several times and Marinette nearly fainted more than once. But they danced. And it was beautiful.

On the other side of the dance floor, Chloe was having a miserable time.

"You know, Kim, you're not that bad of a dancer," Chloe seethed after the boy accidentally crushed her toes for the seventh time.

"Really?" Kim asked, astonished. "Thanks, that's very nice of you to say, Chloe."

"It was?" Chloe blinked in even more astonishment. She ran the words in her head again. The sarcasm had obviously flown over Kim's head. Was that the secret to nice? _Sarcasm?_ She tried again, "And your hair looks nothing like a moldy pile of dog shit…?"

"Wow, you're in a complimentary mood today. I like this new nice Chloe."

Nice? He had said the word again. Chloe considered whether if she had truly discovered what it meant to be nice or if Kim was just a socially inept idiot. Before she could decide, she caught something unacceptable in the corner of her eye.

Her Adrikins and Dupain-Cheng were dancing! Together!

The sight made her blood broil, her teeth gnash, and her grip on Kim's shoulders tighten until there was an audible crack of bone. Kim fell to the floor, unconscious. He landed on a giant pillow that appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

Chloe bristled, ready to cut a bitch. She took one step—and saw Mr. Cuddly pop out of the ball pit.

"Oops, sowwy, Mr. Cuddly." She picked up Kim's unresponsive body and resumed dancing.

Back with the happy couple, Marinette was on the moon. She thought that their kiss was something to cherish, but this—gazing deep into her Adrien's handsome eyes, touching her Adrien's flawless god-like form, enveloped in her Adrien's glorious cheesy scent—this was pure magic.

"Excuse me," Alya cut in. "Just gotta make a few adjustments for my _Dance Until You Drop_ blog."

The bespectacled girl shoved the two teens together, took Marinette's arms and wrapped them around Adrien's neck, and lastly took Adrien's hands and placed them on Marinette's butt.

"Give those Chinese steamed buns a firm squeeze. All done. Continue." Alya gave Adrien an encouraging spank and twirled away.

Marinette and Adrien stared at each other, their noses practically touching. The poor girl barely clung to life. The confused boy wondered why Marinette's butt felt so familiar.

"Um, is this part of the commoner dance?" Adrien asked.

Marinette made a squawk, which he took as a sign of discomfort.

"Are you okay? Did you want to stop—"

"No! I can do this!" Marinette pushed out. She had to do this. She couldn't just keep fawning from a distance. They had kissed, dammit! This was nothing! Firming her resolve and clenching her buttocks, she leaned against Adrien…

And died.

She died a peaceful death. One filled with no regrets and the sound of Adrien's comforting heartbeat against her cheek. To be perfectly honest, it was exactly how Marinette wanted to go. Adrien was unaware he was now slow dancing with a corpse. He truly believed his close friend had melted into his arms and her tranquil smile was one of someone enjoying the dance.

So did Chloe, who tossed the still unresponsive Kim aside and stormed full speed ahead!

"NO! NOT IN MY HOUSE!"

The butler stepped in her way. "Mademoiselle, please don't, you are doing so well—"

"OUT OF THE WAY, JEAN-GET-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-MY-LIFE!"

Mr. Cuddly came out, "_Please, Chloe-kins, you are so close—_"

"NO!" Chloe forced herself to look away from the enticing teddy bear. She shoved the butler into the kitchen and hid Mr. Cuddly under a soup pot. "No more Mr. Cuddly! No more being nice!"

"Mademoiselle, please, I know if you keep trying, you won't need Mr. Cuddly to be nice—"

"Don't you get it? I _can't_ be nice!" She jabbed a finger at the soup pot. "Whoever Mr. Cuddly pulls out, that 'Oops, I'm sowwy,' that's not me! That's a Chloe who stood by and did nothing when her mommy hurt her daddy and left her family behind! I refuse to be that Chloe anymore! I won't be nice and let mommy hurt me anymore! I won't have you here either! YOU'RE FIRED!"

Chloe marched away.

The kitchen was as quiet as a morgue. The butler, full of shame, removed the soup pot and recovered Mr. Cuddly. And then the black butterfly shattered on the toy. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a silver-masked man.

"Holy merde, man," Hawkmoth said. "Is it just me or is everybody in this damn city dealing with serious emotional baggage? Wow! Glad I didn't akumatize that can of worms. She would've probably stolen Nooroo and Duusu and enslaved all of Paris to build a giant statue of herself or something. That said, I'm gonna recommend a therapist for Chloe when this is all over. But first..." he grinned eagerly, "you ready to spread some evil, Despair Bear?"

"With great pleasure, sir," the butler said. He was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a small, black teddy bear!

Hawkmoth stared. "Maybe I should've gone with Chloe."

Inside the toy-sized _toy_, the pinky-sized Despair Bear piloted the teddy with an elaborate set of pulleys and threads. "You've been very naughty, Chloe-kins. Despair Bear is not proud of you. The time has come to make you pay!" He grabbed the controls and pulled.

The teddy bear waddled forward with the ferocity of a harmless baby, squeaking like a rubber ducky with every step.

Hawkmoth sighed. "Y'up, should've gone with Chloe."

_Back in the Party:_

"Marinette, the commoner slow dance is over," Adrien said, trying to let go of his dance partner. Her limp body fell back against his chest. Upon contact, she gasped back to life.

"What happened?!"

"Oh, did you fall asleep? I suppose it was a rather calming song."

"Uh, um, yeah!" Marinette stumbled out of his deadly touch on shaky, still-getting-used-to-blood-flow-again legs. "You're a great dancer. Let's-Let's-Let's do it again sometime."

Watching this tender moment with dark intent was Chloe. "No more nice," she hissed, caressing a butcher's knife she'd nabbed from the kitchen.

Before this story got an R rating, Despair Bear trotted into the party. He spotted Chloe and her _friend_ Sabrina next to her. The Akuma latched onto Sabrina's leg and the girl's eyes turned a malevolent green.

"Chloe…" Sabrina droned as if she was as lifeless as Juleka and pulled out a hairbrush.

Chloe saw the beauty care product and backed away. "Sabrina..." she said warily, "If this is you finally stepping up as a Dom, you remember our safe word, right—"

"Your hair, Chloe… Let me brush your hair…" Sabrina's arm swung, ramming the hairbrush through a wall. "I promise I won't _hurt_ you…"

"AH! BANANA! BANANA!" Chloe sprinted out of harm's way. She made it to the dance floor, grabbed Kim's unconscious body, and used him as a meat shield.

She cried, "Look out! Sabrina's got a hairbrush!"

The bouncers tackled Sabrina to the ground. Despair Bear let go of Sabrina and scampered over to Kim. He latched onto the boy and he woke up, his eyes turning malevolent green. He grabbed Chloe's hand, "Would you like to dance, Chloe…" he droned.

Marinette and Adrien saw the Akuma at work and figured out what was going on. They went their separate ways to transform.

Marinette hid in a stairwell and caught her breath. "So, I've officially danced with Adrien," she said with a super-wide and super-dopey grin.

"Dancing, right," Tikki rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure most countries would've called that Desecrating the Dead."

"Details," Marinette shrugged. "Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

On the dance floor, Chloe was being thrown around like a ragdoll to the beat of a jiving song by Kim. Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived and watched the horror unfold.

"It's Chloe. Do we have to?" Ladybug asked.

"Yes," Chat Noir answered firmly.

"But it's _Chloe_. Do we have to? _Really?_"

"Yes!"

"Ugh!" Ladybug marched forward and uppercut Kim. The boy dropped like a ton of bricks. "Done."

"Not so fast!" Despair Bear cheeped in a tiny voice that reminded Ladybug of a mouse. He let go of Kim and waddled across the room, every step squeaking. The entire party watched, rather unimpressed. Despair Bear tripped a couple of times, his giant plush head making balance near impossible. "I am not done yet, Ladybug and Chat Noir! Muahaha!"

The Akuma was so non-threatening that Max did even try to stop him as Despair Bear latched onto his leg. "Aha..." Max droned and grabbed a chair. "How about a game of—"

Chat Noir punched Max. He dropped to the floor, out cold.

"Curses!" Despair Bear swore, waving his adorable wittle armsy-warmsies in precious rage.

"D'awwww," went the crowd.

"No! Do not demean me! I am a villain!"

Ivan stomped over and hugged the teddy. "Ivan like toy. Ivan keep."

"AHA!" Despair Bear latched onto Ivan and steered the goliath towards the heroes.

"IVAN SMASH—"

A battle staff and a polka-dotted yo-yo whacked Ivan's head, toppling the giant. When the dust settled, Despair Bear was trapped under Ivan.

Hawkmoth couldn't _bear_ to watch.

"Super easy, but I am not gonna complain," Ladybug said.

"I'll do the honors, M'Lady." Chat Noir approached Despair Bear, fully intending to rip the evil toy in half, when, in a blue mini-nuclear explosion, a banana peel appeared under his foot. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA!"

Chat Noir slipped and faceplanted right next to Despair Bear. The Akuma cackled and latched onto the hero.

"Alix! Why did you do that?!" Ladybug screeched.

The time-traveling girl in question leaned against the far wall and whistled an innocent tune.

Chat Noir stood tall, his already green feline eyes glowing an extra shade of mint. In the driver's seat, Despair Bear laughed in triumph. "See? I am a threat after all—"

A yo-yo coiled around Chat Noir's body and he was swung headfirst through several marble pillars. "Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep," Ladybug repeated over and over. But it wasn't enough. The months of head injuries had finally thickened Chat Noir's skull so much that after decimating the party, the cat-boy got back up with only a minor headache.

"Meow-ch," Chat Noir bragged.

"Uh oh," Ladybug gulped.

Chat Noir rushed her, his fingers clawing for Ladybug's Miraculous earrings. The heroine dodged and weaved, pounding away at Chat Noir's chin, but the boy wouldn't go down. She grabbed his wrist and twisted him into an arm lock but she instantly heard him mutter a word she dreaded.

"Cataclysm."

His free arm, now coursing with the ultimate power destruction, swung around for her head.

What happened next, nobody saw coming.

"Paws off, kitty!" Chloe roared, ripping Chat Noir's belt-tail to the side and flinging him against a couch. The furniture crumbled to dust.

The party guests gaped.

Ladybug gawked.

Hawkmoth gawped.

Alix pumped her fist, "Yes!"

"Did you..." Ladybug looked back and forth between Chloe and the couch remains that could've been her. "Did you just _save me?_"

Chloe, the bewildered girl, couldn't tear her sights away from her hands. The moment had passed so quickly, she wasn't sure how it happened. She had acted without a thought, on instinct. Usually, when that happened there was something to gain, someone's day to ruin, an ulterior motive. Not this time. In that moment, Chloe had truly acted selflessly.

"Was I just… nice?"

"Yeah…" Ladybug answered carefully. "Why, you want a medal or something?"

"There are medals for being nice? Why didn't anybody tell me? I'll be the nicest person in Paris and get all the medals so everyone will know how nicer I am than them! HAHAHAH! So where do I buy these medals? Do they come in yellow?"

"And there she is. Glad to have you back, Chloe," Ladybug sighed. She tossed her yo-yo into the air and called, "Lucky Charm!" Down came a polka-dotted fork. "A fork? YES! Finally, something I can stab somebody with! Come here, Chat Noir!"

Yowling like a scared cat, Chat Noir raced up the spiral staircase towards the roof. Ladybug was hot on his tail.

"Get back here!" Chloe chased after them. "You promised me a medal!"

_On the roof:_

Chat Noir kept moving the leg Despair Bear was latched onto out of Ladybug's reach. The heroine was doing a remarkably accurate impression of a fork-themed serial killer. At last, Ladybug wrapped an arm around Chat Noir's leg and raised the fork for a deadly strike.

"Hold still!" she shouted, bringing the weapon down.

"I think not!" Despair Bear let go of Chat Noir and the fork impaled the boy's foot.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Chloe arrived just in time to see Chat Noir, hopping around and gripping his forked leg. "Chat Noir, quit playing around." She ripped the fork out. "What about my medal?"

"Medal? What are you—"

A sinister laugh interrupted them. Across the roof, with malevolent green eyes and a black teddy bear latched to her leg, was Ladybug!

"No," Chat Noir whispered in terror. "It's always been me who gets captured, not her. Not Bugaboo."

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth was losing his mind. "OOH! I never thought this would ever happen! AAH!" He leaped for joy and clapped non-stop. "Nathalie, get in here!"

"This isn't a good time, sir."

"You have to see this! Ladybug is mine!"

"I'm sure she is, sir."

"Nathalie, you're going to miss it!"

"Sir, I am trying my hardest to resist Duusu's orders to run in there and jam my pen into your skull through your ear canal but you are making it _incredibly_ difficult."

_Back on the roof:_

Possessed Ladybug grinned an evil grin Chat Noir was all too familiar with and spun her yo-yo into a buzzsaw that shredded the rooftop at her side.

Both Chloe and Chat Noir gulped.

"Chat Noir, what do we do?"

"I don't know!" he said. "She's normally the one rescuing me."

Ladybug started her approach. Every step thundered like an earthquake.

"What does Ladybug normally do?!" Chloe demanded.

"She throws her Lucky Charm at the Akuma!"

Chloe chucked the fork at Ladybug. It harmlessly bounced off her face.

"Okay, now what?" Chloe asked.

"That usually works!" Chat Noir wheezed.

The yo-yo buzzsaw increased speed, blowing several chairs and pool umbrellas into the sky.

"Chloe, run," Chat Noir ordered.

"What? As if! A third-rate sidekick like you doesn't get to tell me what to do—"

"Chloe, this is serious! LB isn't herself right now, she'll hurt you. You need to listen to me!"

_Listen to me…_

Chloe's eye spasmed.

_Listen to me, little Claustrophobia, you never heard me say I'm running away to New York City. You never heard of New York City. If anyone asks, you don't know where mommikins went._

_Pardon me, Mademoiselle, but did you I hear you say you're going to New York City—HNNNG!_

_Listen to me, Carpet Cleaner, mommikins is not strangling the butler right now and even if mommikins was, you could never prove it. You got that, Corrosive Acid?_

_Hckck—her name—hsshsh—is—cclkl—_

"MY NAME IS CHLOE! FUCK YOU, MOM!"

The battle cry echoed across the starry night as Chloe charged Ladybug like a bull. Her raw anger, hatred, and fury made Ladybug stop and her grin drop. Deep down inside, a small part of Marinette that was still conscious thought she was looking in a mirror.

At the last step before she was within punching distance, Chloe dropped to the floor and shoved Ladybug's leg to the side. Specifically, she shoved the leg Despair Bear was latched onto into the side currently occupied by a whirling yo-yo of death.

The toy was shredded to pulp instantly.

Chat Noir stared.

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth stared.

Nathalie entered. "Phew, I distracted Duusu with a knock-knock joke, sir. It seems to love them. What did you want to show me?"

"Oh! It was amazing! You missed it! I had Ladybug under my control! She was my mind-slave and everything and she was going to use her yo-yo to slice Chat Noir like a cheese grater! Her yo-yo was all like BSSSHHHHHZZZZZ! And Chat Noir was like, 'No! Please! Spare me!' And I was like BUAHAHAHAHAHAA! And-and-and—"

"And then you lost."

"...Yes."

Nathalie groaned. "You did your best, sir. I'm sure you'll get them next time. Come back upstairs, I'll make you some hot cocoa."

"Yay!"

_Back on the roof:_

Ladybug blinked at her surroundings, "Wait, what happened? Chloe, why are you hugging my leg?"

The blonde mumbled something incoherent about "my name" and "mommikins" and tightened her hold.

"Believe it or not," Chat Noir said, coming over with a black butterfly in his claws, "but Chloe here saved our skins. Literally, in my case."

Ladybug gazed down at Chloe in disbelief. Not once but twice she had been rescued by the girl she despised. It would take some time to process that. She quickly de-evilized the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The party was reconstructed.

The butler grew back to his normal size.

Mr. Cuddly was put back together and made golden again.

Ladybug offered the toy to Chloe and said, "Hey, um, thanks? That was unexpectedly nice of you, I guess?"

In a blur of limbs, Chloe switched from Ladybug's leg to Mr. Cuddly. She snapped out of whatever this state was and blinked at Ladybug as if she just realized she was there.

"Of course," Chloe said haughtily, tossing her hair like a primadonna. "You and Chat Noir were helpless without me. And that's what being nice is all about, doing stuff you pay the help to do while showing off how better you are than them."

Ladybug and Chat Noir exchanged dumbstruck looks. "Oh my Astruc, I think that's… She's almost got it," Ladybug said.

"Mademoiselle," the butler said, rubbing his sore head. "I am sorry, but I cannot remember what happened. We were in the kitchen and you—"

"Basically, you turned evil and I saved the day, as usual. I'm actually better than you pointless superheroes and I don't even wear a tacky costume that makes my butt look fat."

The only reason why Chloe's neck was immediately broken at that second was that Ladybug's earring began to beep. Both heroes left.

"Oh dear," the butler sulked as more memories returned. "I also think the Mademoiselle said I was fir—"

"I said, your lessons on being nice make a lot of sense and you are to continue them."

"Really? I could've sworn the Mademoiselle fired me—"

"Don't be ridiculous, Jean-Sam," Chloe sauntered away without a care. "That would imply I changed my mind and the rich don't change their minds."

The butler watched Chloe go and then followed with a knowing smile. "As you say, Mademoiselle."

Chloe stopped with a quizzical look. "Would it be nice if I… invited the baker girl's dad over so he could finish his cooking lesson for everyone?"

The butler could hardly believe what he was hearing. "Yes, yes it would!"

"Would it also be nice if I took pics of the disgusting, poorly made food my class churns out and post them online with the hashtag _Kill-It-With-Fire_?"

"...No."

"Hashtag _Wouldn't-Feed-This-To-A-Dog_?"

"No."

"Hashtag _War-Crimes-In-Food-Form_—"

"Perhaps no hashtag, Mademoiselle," the butler suggested.

"Hmmm, you're right, Jean-Pumpernickel," Chloe nodded and headed downstairs. "Their travesties will speak for themselves."

_ Later: _

The party had been cleared away to make room for Tom Dupain's late-night cooking lesson. The finest ingredients were brought up from the Bourgeois pantries just for the occasion. The lesson was supposed to be only one batch, but Chloe _insisted_ it would be _nice_ if everyone made their own macarons. And by _everyone,_ she meant all except her. Chloe Bourgeois was _not_ going to bake shit.

"What do you think, Adrikins?" she asked. "Doesn't this make up for the fire alarm misunderstanding?"

Adrien nodded with approval. "You've really gone above and beyond, Chloe. I've never seen you so nice."

"What are you talking about? I've always been this nice. You've just never noticed before."

"Um, excuse me," a panting Tom butted in, covered with flour and batter and sweat, "Not that I don't appreciate this, but I do have to get up at 4 in the morning tomorrow to open the bakery and I still have hours of prep work tonight—"

"Shut your stupid mouth and do your dumb class! I'm trying to be nice!" Chloe screeched and shoved him back into the kitchen. She forced a wide smile at Adrien, "See? Nice."

Adrien smirked. "I'm proud of you, Chloe. You've shown that, when you try, you can actually be nice to everyone."

"Oh, Adrikins," Chloe cooed. "So we'll always be best friends forever and ever, pinky swear?" She held up her little finger.

Adrien wrapped it in his own, "Pinky swear."

"HA! No takesies-backsies! Sucker!" She rushed through the class, insulting everyone's macarons without remorse and pitching several platters out the window. Despite this, both Adrien and Marinette smiled. Underneath the layers upon layers of bitchiness, deep, deep, _deeeeep_ down—we're talking deeper than the Mariana Trench—Chloe had the potential to be a decent person. Not good, but decent.

"I guess the Universe really is changing," Marinette said.

"Hey, Marinette, can I try one of your macarons?" Adrien interrupted her thoughts.

"AH!" The girl floundered so badly that she flung her entire batch across the lobby. A lone macaron landed in Adrien's hand and he promptly took a bite.

"Mmm, wow, this is delicious," Adrien commented. "Your baking is as good as your dancing. We should do that again sometime, Marinette, so I can show you the Scottish Stomp."

Marinette held in her squeal and nodded vigorously. She couldn't believe it! Adrien loved her cooking! This was an entirely new avenue to explore! She could learn how to make his favorite meals and surprise him with treats! Maybe she could even slip little cute notes inside the food for him to find! The possibilities were endless and it was all because Adrien loved her and _only her _cooking!

Nearby, Adrien tried Ivan's macarons, which looked and smelled like grilled mushrooms. "Mmm, tasty, Ivan, you've got a real knack for sweets."

He sampled Rose's food, which had the texture of wet socks. "So savory. I've never eaten anything better."

He ate Nathaniel's, which were so burnt they were classified as raw carbon. "What a treat. Not overcooked in the least."

As Marinette continued to fantasize about how Adrien liked her food and nobody else's, Adrien went around the room, making sure to compliment everyone's best attempt at baking. Even though he could barely stomach any of them, least of all Marinette's, which had more salt than sugar, he made sure every single one of his classmates felt special.

After all, that's what being nice is all about.

END

_Alix's actions have only delayed the Queen Bee Uprising..._


	5. 5 The Night LB Stood Up CN

_Writing Lesson #64: bring the reader to the edge of something great. Let them see, let them want, let them fantasize about how it tastes. Then, once you've got them hooked, destroy it._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_NOPE, NOT HAPPENING! I'M FOCUSING SOLELY ON THE MIRACULOUS EPISODES!_

_{You know you want to...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 5: The Night LB Stood Up CN  
_By: I Write Big

Marinette had only been asked out twice in her entire life. The first was by Nathaniel when he was possessed by an Akuma and was therefore considered work. The second was a misunderstanding with Nino, who agreed with the girl that the date should be filed under Taking-This-Story-To-My-Grave. Both dates didn't count in Marinette's mind. The dating game was still new to her. Romance, candle-lit dinners, and loving serenades remained fairytales in her head and they all involved Adrien in various states of undress.

But you know what they say. Third time's the charm!

"Dinner?" Ladybug raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Chat Noir nodded confidently as he helped another passenger off the runaway bus they just stopped.

"I don't get it."

"You. Me. Under the stars. A little music. A little wine. A little food. Who knows what could happen."

Ladybug narrowed her eyes. There hadn't been a single pun in there, which raised several red flags. She turned to the bus driver, "Is he asking me to go on a…?"

"I think he is," said the driver.

"BAHAAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!" Ladybug took a deep breath. "HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHA!" She fell to the ground and began rolling around and gripping her sides and shedding tears of joy. "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAA!"

"You know, we work together so much, but we barely know anything about one another," Chat Noir continued, still confident. "I thought we could take some time to relax and talk—"

"TALK! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!" Ladybug nearly choked on her guffaws. She punched the sidewalk in pure mirth, cracking the cement in several places. "He says he wants to talk! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!"

"I'm setting up this little rooftop picnic thing, nothing special. What do you say?"

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAA!"

_Eighteen minutes later:_

"HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHahahahahahheeheeehehehe..." Ladybug settled into a Nirvana-like trance as her laughing fit finally came to an end.

"Is that a yes?" Chat Noir asked.

The heroine replied between chortles and hiccups, "No."

"No… problem, I can't wait to see there?" Chat Noir finished with a hint of optimism.

She stifled another round of belly-bursting and put a firm hand on his shoulder, "No." And then she swung away.

"Okay, I understand, you need time to decide," Chat Noir called after her. "I'll be sure to keep the escargot warm. See you at 8. Wait, M'Lady, I didn't tell you which rooftop it's at."

She was long gone.

"Eh, I'm sure she can find me."

Never had the bus passengers ever felt such pity.

* * *

_Later at Marinette's place:_

The Dupain-Cheng's were finishing their dinner and Marinette couldn't stop snickering.

"Honey, what's so funny?" Sabine asked. "You've been laughing all afternoon."

"Inside joke, mom. You had to be there." Marinette tittered again and headed for the door. "Well, I'm off."

"Wait, what about dessert?" Tom asked as he brought in a delicious cake.

"Sorry, I can't. I'm getting ice cream at this new place called Andre's—"

_SPLAT!_

Marinette frowned at the ruined cake that now coated the floor. Her parents stared at her with looks of what she could only describe as fear.

"Andre? He's back?" her dad whispered.

"The Ice Cream Man?" Her mom made the Sign of Astruc to ward off any spirits.

Marinette heard the capitalization. "Oh come on! How many adults in this city are secretly retired supervillains?"

"More than you think, honey," her mom said. "It's a great place to retire."

"Marinette, listen to me." Her dad held her tightly. "Andre never retired. That whole Sweetheart Matchmaker rumor is real. He uses dark dairy magic to force people into love, whether they like it or not. Your mom and I were lucky that I was already planning to propose when he paired us up."

"Wait..." Marinette took a step back, thoroughly weirded out. "Andre paired you…? Meaning, he was selling ice cream when you were my age? How old is he?"

"Nobody knows," Sabine gulped. "They say when Astruc was first sketching the world, Andre was already there on the canvas. When he vanished all those years ago, we thought he'd finally left Paris alone. But if he's back… and selling ice cream…"

"You can't go alone," Tom warned. "Otherwise he'll make your emotions his plaything."

"Hold on..." A sly grin spread across Marinette's face. "You're saying whoever I eat Andre's ice cream with will actually fall in love with me forever and ever?"

"Marinette, no! It's too dangerous—"

But Marinette was just a human-shaped dust cloud now. The actual girl was already several blocks away, texting Alya to invite Adrien.

_At Adrien's:_

The boy sulked by his lonesome at the head of the football-stadium length dinner table. His plate was cleaned but his father's plate was untouched. It was another solitary meal. His phone rumbled.

"Ooh! Nathalie, Nino just invited me to get ice cream at this place called Andre's. Can I go?"

"Apologies, Adrien," she groaned at the door, "but it's well past your curfew."

"That's not fair! I never get to go out to see late movies or go dancing or get into gang wars like the commoners! Why does father treat me like this?"

"I could kill him for you. I MEAN!" Nathalie slapped the side of her head and muttered a knock-knock joke. "Be sure to practice your piano."

Barely listening to Nathalie anymore, Adrien moped his way back to his room. He put his phone in the speaker to simulate his piano practice.

"Well, that's that," he sighed. "Guess my night is over."

"What are you talking about, man?" Plagg popped out. "You still got your date night with Ladybug."

Adrien blinked at the Kwami. "But she said no."

"Have I taught you nothing, kid? Saying one thing and then changing their mind to something completely different while pretending that was their original choice the entire time is, like, the definition of being a woman." Plagg pointed a nub out the window. "For all you know, she's waiting for you, right now, on her back, legs spread like the Red Polka-Dotted Sea!"

Adrien looked out into the city, his hope rising. "Are you sure?"

"Man, I have been around since before the dawn of time. Believe me when I say, sometimes, no means yes."

Determination flaring like the sun, Adrien shouted, "Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he became Chat Noir and dove out his window.

_ Meanwhile: _

Hyperventilating like a marathon runner, Marinette turned the corner to see Alya, Nino, Mylene, and Ivan waiting for her.

"Where is he?" she demanded. "Where is my Adrien?!"

"Ooh, sorry, girl," Alya said, discreetly streaming Marinette's face to her _Got Stood Up_ blog. "He just let Nino know that he couldn't make it."

Every ounce of Marinette's enthusiasm evaporated. "Oh..." She sank to the ground and laid there, intending to never rise again.

"But we can all still get ice cream together," Mylene said, hoping to lift the girl's spirits.

"Totally, dude," Nino agreed. "I have zero clue who this Andre guy is or where he came from or why any google search of him brings up police reports of mass cult suicides or why the only way to find him is to follow cryptic hints on this website that looks like it was designed by hell itself which just seems like a bad way to run a business but I'll try anything once."

"Speaking of which, I have a new dress for you to wear, Nino." Alya held up the sparkliest and pinkest outfit ever seen. Even Rose would've thought it was too much.

Marinette remembered her dad's warning and grinned darkly. "Yeah, you're right, let's go."

"Ivan want rocky road."

The group headed toward their doom, Marinette cackling the entire way.

_Meanwhile, on the loneliest rooftop in Paris:_

Chat Noir finished spreading the rose petals and lighting the scented candles. He unrolled the picnic blanket, poured out the wine, and took his seat.

"Start the music," he instructed the violinist he'd hired.

"But, monsieur, the lady isn't here yet."

"Don't worry, she'll be here any minute and when she does get here I want the air to be filled with music."

The violinist shrugged and began to play.

"And now we wait."

A pigeon flew by and pooped on Chat Noir's food.

_Later, on a bridge:_

The setting sun cast an amber glow over the Seine, making the river shimmer with gold. People both local and visiting stopped to admire the natural beauty. At the center of the bridge, a nervous man got on his knee and pulled out a ring.

"Honey, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I can't think of a life without you. Will you marry me?"

"Whoa! What the fuck, Frank?! This is like our second date!"

"Is that a maybe?"

"...I don't think we should see each other anymore."

There was a _ding-a-ling_ of a bell.

A tiny, high-pitched bell.

A bell you might think a butler would ring to announce that it was time for tea.

The newly broken-up couple turned towards the bell and saw a very husky man looming like a thinly mustachioed polar bear over a colorful ice cream cart.

"My name is Andre, Andre Glacier, the Sweetheart Matchmaker," he introduced himself with a showy bow. The words flowed along with a happy tune that ground out of his cart in stiff hollow notes. His eyes were as bright as diamonds and his smile as sweet as sugar, yet the couple couldn't help but feel like they were staring into a bottomless abyss. "With one scoop or two, I'll find love for you with magical ice cream flavors."

The tops of Andre's ice cream buckets shot off like cannons. Whatever mixture was inside radiated and hummed, making the couple think of a nuclear reactor.

Frank and his not-girlfriend started backing away. "That's okay, sir," Frank said, "we're not in the mood for ice cream."

"Not in the mood? Oh dear, that's no good!" Andre sang, a pair of ice cream scoopers appearing in his hands. "Come here, my man, and I'll do what I can to give you love _forever_..."

"You know what, I think she's right. I was moving this relationship way too fast. What I need is to just take some time to work on me."

The couple turned to run but found their feet had melded with the bridge. They were trapped.

"Work on you? Haha! Sacre bleu!" In a blur of arms and dairy, Andre created a three-scoop tall cone of delicious ice cream. "Who needs themself when they have love? Here, try this, the flavors will fit you like a glove."

The fruity scent wafted into the couple's noses and they were instantly hypnotized. Licking their lips, they reached for the treat.

"Love will last you a lifespan. Trust me, I'm The Ice Cream Man."

_A couple of minutes later:_

Marinette and her group arrived. The bridge was now crowded with couples who were clearly not meant for each other. There was a nun grinding on a stripper! Nadia Chamak snuggling against her husband! Miss Bustier holding hands with a consenting adult! They were all making lovey-dovey faces that were slathered with ice cream.

"Dudes, this must be it!" Nino cheered while adjusting his sparkly, pink dress.

They saw Andre finish cramming a few scoops down the throats of Officer Roger and French Ryan Seacrest.

"Merci, Andre," the lovestruck men droned before wrapping their arms around each other and making out.

"You're welcome, my friends," Andre chuckled. "May your love _never_ end."

"Wow, that must be really good ice cream," Mylene said as the make-out session intensified.

Andre noticed the teens. He didn't take a step, but somehow the distance between them shrank. It was as if the bridge and the river had folded in on themselves until Andre and his cart were mere inches away from them.

"Could it be? Is this love I see?" Andre sang.

He towered over Mylene and Ivan with hunger. They wanted to take an instinctive step back from the predatory smile but found their legs weren't responding.

"A girl blander than rain and a boy with no brain. Surely, this is a match made in heaven."

It got very quiet.

"Fuck, dad," Marinette whimpered. "You didn't mention how creepy he was."

Ivan cleared his throat. "Uh, Ivan want rocky road...?"

Whipping around his scoops, Andre crafted another cone, "Chocolate praline and white nougat for you, a special concoction to keep your love true."

The couple took the ice cream and Andre's unnatural hold on them released. They ran for the hills.

Andre only watched the two go. "Let them run. The chase is more fun." He turned to his remaining prey and sputtered, "WHOA! What's going on here?"

"What?" Nino struck a proud pose. "You've never seen a guy in a skirt before?"

"I've never seen a couple so far in denial!" Andre shielded his eyes as if the sight of Alya and Nino together blinded him. "The lies you spit at each other, ugh, so vile!"

"Hey!" Alya defended. "Just because I prefer my boyfriend to dress in drag so I can close my eyes and pretend he's a girl doesn't give you the right to judge us!"

"Yeah!" Nino agreed. "And maybe I miss wearing pants and maybe I regret ever going out with Alya in the first place and maybe I'm too scared to break things off with her because I don't know if I can afford to buy a girlfriend anymore ever since Adrien's dad stole all of my businesses, but that doesn't mean we aren't happy together!"

"You're not!" Andre shouted. "Okay? No rhymes. No bullshit. The two of you are _not_ happy together and no amount of magical ice cream is gonna fix that."

"FUCK YOU!" Nino and Alya shouted back and stormed off, arms wrapped tightly around each other.

"Ah," Andre sighed dreamily at the sight of them, his temper gone. "Another couple together. May their love last forever."

Marinette's jaw dropped. "You reverse-psychoanalyzing bastard."

That sugary smile and those diamond eyes turned to her now. "And what do we have here? A soul, alone, looking for love, it's so clear." He shambled closer, his great belly jiggling with every step. "When there is love in one's heart, Andre knows it from the start."

"Yeah, hi, Mr. The Ice Cream Man, sir." Marinette resisted the violent urge to run away as fast as humanly possible. "There's this boy I like—"

"And you want my help, I guess? Sorry, my dear, I don't take requests."

There was a triple scoop ice cream cone in his hands. How that got there, Marinette couldn't say. She hadn't seen Andre make it. It simply started existing. His pudgy arm offered her the treat and its cheesy scent filled her head. Cheese? Yes, it smelled like her Adrien. But also like a… doorbell? Who the ice cream smelled like didn't matter anymore. She wanted to eat it, to consume every last morsel and let the magic control her. The need was making her salivate. Marinette took the ice cream and gave it a lick.

"...Green," she said.

Andre blinked. "Huh?"

"It tastes green."

"W-What do you mean? You can't taste green."

"Oh, I can taste green. Took a wrench to the noggin several months back and now I can only taste colors." Another lick. "This top scoop tastes yellow."

Andre watched the girl eat her ice cream in silence. There wasn't a trace of lovey-dovey anywhere. "Uh, do you not feel the call of love? As if sent by Astruc from the heavens above?"

"No. Wait! Hold on! Hold on!" Another lick. "Pink. Nope, nothing."

"No? You should be kissing a toad, planning your honeymoon! How does a crack on your head make you immune?"

"Immune? What a rip-off!" Marinette chucked her ice cream and left.

There was the _ding-a-ling_ of a bell and the rest of the hypnotized crowd was released. They got out of there as Andre watched his magical ice cream melt on the bridge.

"I don't understand," he whispered to himself. "It works. My magical ice cream _always_ works."

_ Meanwhile: _

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man dealing with a sweet tooth.

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" Hawkmoth filled a butterfly with darkness and sent it off. "Nathalie, I'm ordering ice cream. What flavor do you want?"

"Vanilla," Nathalie's voice groaned back.

"With what?"

"Just vanilla."

"Just vanilla?!" Hawkmoth gagged. "Boring!"

_Back on the bridge:_

The black butterfly arrived and shattered on Andre's scooper. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Ooh, this is exciting!" Hawkmoth bounced like a child. "I've done food Akumas before but never just straight ice cream. Multicolored sprinkle grenades, waffle cone missiles, this is going to be fun! Before you get started, Glaciator, can I get two scoops of peanut butter surprise with extra hot fudge in a cup? And also..." he sighed, "A scoop of plain vanilla."

Andre didn't move.

"Hello?" Hawkmoth tapped his cane and spoke into it like a microphone. "Can you hear me? Is this thing on?"

Andre smiled that sweet, sugary smile filled with joy and happiness and whimsy and _nothing at all_.

"My name is Andre, Andre Glacier, also known as The Ice Cream Man."

Instead of transforming the man, the Miraculous magic Hawkmoth had given Andre gathered in his ice cream scooper. He flicked the instrument like a wand, and the ice cream from the cart was siphoned out and began to cover Andre's body. The Ice Cream Man disappeared into the mass of dairy that only grew and grew until he was a three-story _ICE CREAM MAN!_

"And it is clear to me, young one, you don't know who the hell I am..."

Glaciator pointed a fist of strawberry sherbet into the sky and fired a volley of peanut butter surprise!

Hawkmoth strummed his cane in thought, "Hmmmm, okay, I didn't do that. How did you do that? Are you magic? Because if you are, I should probably un-akumatize you now before you—"

A shower of ice cream peppered through the glass window, striking Hawkmoth. Instantly, he was magically transformed into a solid statue of peanut butter surprise ice cream!

Five seconds later, Nathalie ran in with a knife! She aimed the blade for Hawkmoth and charged! A lone scoop of vanilla hit her and she was ice-cream-ified.

_("Dammit!")_ swore Duusu.

Glaciator made his way through the city, ice-cream-ifying any poor unfortunate soul who made the mistake of being single in his presence!

* * *

_Meanwhile, at Marinette's:_

Marinette flopped onto her bed. "Today was such a waste," she whined. "I couldn't use Andre's magical ice cream to make Adrien mine."

Tikki floated out, "Are you sure that's what you were after and not a way to get Luka out of your head?"

"SHUT UP!" The girl swatted the Kwami with her pillow but the grinning monstrosity simply phased through it. "I only constantly think about Adrien! Not about Luka or Luka's gorgeous eyes or how Luka has been nothing but kind to me since we met! And when the hell are you going to eat him?!"

"You haven't paid me yet."

"I'll pay you now! What do you want?"

Tikki pretended to think. "I haven't decided."

"GAAAA!"

Filled to the brim with frustration, Marinette climbed through the trapdoor to the rooftop. "Stupid Luka with his stupid blue hair and his stupid selflessness and his stupid, sexy—_stupid!_" She collapsed on the roof railing and let out a banshee-like scream.

Tikki watched the suffering with glee. This slice of misery cake was missing a cherry on top, she thought. And the perfect cherry would be to give Marinette an ever so slight push off the roof. She floated forward.

"Stop it! Stop thinking about him!" Marinette ordered herself and ripped the railing out of the brick roofing. The human girl displayed very inhuman strength as she twisted the bands of wrought iron as if they were as malleable as rope.

Tikki, wide-eyed and freaked the fuck out, decided to save that cherry for a special day and went back inside to eat a cookie instead.

Unbeknownst to both, there was a third-party nearby.

Just a few buildings down, Chat Noir was sitting at his picnic blanket which was thoroughly drenched in pigeon droppings. The scented candles were melted down to goop, most of the rose petals had rotted, and the violinist's fingers were cramping. Chat Noir hadn't moved in hours. That is, until he heard Marinette's scream.

"Huh?" His four ears perked at the rage and he turned. Just across the gap was a miserable girl, a girl he recognized as his number one fan. "Take five," he told the violinist.

"Oh thank Astruc!" The musician dunked his hands in a bucket of ice which let out a hiss of steam.

Chat Noir made his way over and perched on her chimney. From the way Marinette was slouching and uprooting the entire herb garden, he could tell she was going through something.

"Rough night?" he asked.

Marinette started and turned. She threw up her rosemary and sage covered hands. "Of course, _you're_ here. Why not? Let's just pile on the merde!"

"Can't have that." Chat Noir cartwheeled through the air and proved to the whole world that not all cats land on their feet. He peeled his face off the floor, scrambled back onto his legs, and puffed out his chest. "I can't have my number one fan feeling down in the dumps. I know what will lift your spirits." He began to flex.

Marinette had no reaction for the display of leathery muscle.

"Bask as much you like, Princess, the other members of my fan club, which I'm sure you're the president of, will be so jealous. Here, I made you a calendar with a monthly photo of yours truly. March is particularly cat-tacular."

Marinette tossed the calendar into the street.

Undeterred, Chat Noir kept flexing. "You know, Princess, as a superhero—

"Sidekick," Marinette corrected.

"I not only have to face supervillains. Sometimes the problems at home can be just as treacherous. If there's something bothering you, I'm here to help."

Marinette scrunched her face and banged her head against the pile of railing, praying he would go away.

"So what's the problem? Too much homework? Bullies? Maybe a—"

"How about you, huh?!" Marinette roared, tearing the wrought iron in half as if it were weaker than dental floss. "How about I butt into your life uninvited and interrogate you about your love problems?!"

The bravado deflated from Chat Noir's chest. He looked away with embarrassment, "Well, since you asked—"

"I didn't!"

"I think Ladybug and I are having… difficulties."

Marinette stared. Her wrench wound pulsed. "You _think_?!"

"It's always been back and forth between us." Chat Noir sighed and took a depressed seat on the shredded remains of the roof railing, much like how Marinette had been a few minutes ago. "Some days she's into me, other days she plays hard-to-get. So many mixed messages."

"That is not true, that's not reality. What kind of fantasy world have you been living in all this time?"

"And I thought we could use this night for ourselves, to clear the air and figure out where this relationship is going."

"Where _what's_ going? Do you even hear yourself? By the way, didn't you come here trying to cheer _me_ up? How the fuck did I suddenly become your therapist?!" she demanded, but the cat-boy was too deep in his sulking to hear her.

"I actually had a special surprise for her set up and everything… but she never showed."

This made Marinette's next words get caught in her throat. She had stood up Chat Noir… granted, she never said she was going… but neither had Adrien said he was going to join her for ice cream. Here they were, a pair of hopeless romantics waiting for their one and only to join them even though they knew they would never come. With great reluctance, Marinette realized she and Chat Noir were feeling the same hurt.

"Show it to me," she grumbled.

"Hmm?"

"The surprise you were going to give Ladybug. Show me."

"U-Um..." Chat Noir stuttered, unsure. "Are you—"

"Show me before I change my mind!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Chat Noir picked up Marinette bridal-style and hopped back to his little picnic. The violinist jumped at their arrival and began playing an amorous solo until Chat Noir signaled him to stop with a frantic neck-chopping motion. Nighttime crickets and the gurgle of the Seine were the only music as Marinette walked through Ladybug's surprise. Her surprise.

She saw the melted candles, burnt down to their wicks. She saw the now brown rose petals, curling in the corner. She saw the untouched dinner, spoiled and cold.

This was it.

This could've been her first real date. And she had let it pass her by.

A puzzling maelstrom of emotion whirled in her gut. Irritation for missing the chance of a romantic night, annoyance for forgetting that night would've been spent with Chat Noir, and confusion at how… _normal_ everything was. Seriously, when Chat said _special surprise_ she expected a frumpy bed next to a box of condoms. Not this. This had taken effort, care, _sensitivity_. Words she did not associate with her sidekick.

A crazy thought crept in. So many people had been changing lately. Could _Chat Noir _be changing too?

Impossible. The showboating, the complete disconnection with the facts; she should've guessed. This wasn't Chat Noir. She was obviously dealing with another Akuma doppelganger.

Marinette spun around, ready to fight, and was slapped with an overpowering sense of BWUUUEEEGH when she saw Chat Noir doing his best to not look like a scared little schoolboy.

"As you can see," Chat Noir bragged, dripping with a sheen of nervous sweat, "I spared no expense for this night. Only the best for Bugaboo. We usually have special nights like this, but I made sure tonight was extra special. Shame she couldn't make it. Probably something very important. Us superheroes have extremely busy schedules."

Her fists lowered, her grimace lifted. This _was_ Chat Noir. No one else was this, well... Chat Noir. And then everything clicked. "You can stop pretending," she said.

Chat Noir tensed. "P-Pretending? Who's pretending? No one's pretending. It's not like you're the number one fan of a single loser who has never been on a date in his entire life and whose entire knowledge on how girls work is based solely on anime. Pretending, pffft, yeah, right."

She raised an unamused eyebrow.

"I mean, I may have exaggerated about our relationship a teensy-weensy bit."

That eyebrow rose even further.

"Okay, I'm not dating Ladybug. Or anybody. Like, at all." He dropped to his knees and pleaded, " I'm still cool, I swear! Please don't stop being my number one fan!"

"I'M NOT YOUR—" His pointy ears drooped, pummeling Marinette with BWUUUUEEGH. She grabbed the bottle of wine, the only food not ruined, and took a swig. "Just invite Ladybug again, okay."

"But she already said no."

"Just do it! She'll say yes this time!"

"It wouldn't be right to push her like that."

"Since when do you care about pushing things too far?!"

"It's best to let it be and assume the worst."

"JUST ASK HER, DAMMIT!"

Before Marinette could beat some sense into Chat Noir, a wave of ice cream flew between the two and struck the violinist, turning them into a statue of moose tracks!

"Marinette!" sang the approaching Glaciator. "I'm here to give you love that you can savor. Tell me what's your favorite ice cream flavor!" He fired another volley of deliciousness.

Chat Noir grabbed Marinette and carried her across the rooftops, ducking and diving out of the ice cream storm's path. He, at last, arrived at Marinette's house and left her at the trapdoor.

"Get inside, Princess, LB and I will take care of this Akuma." He cracked his knuckles and extended his staff. Marinette grabbed his tail.

"Hold it! You're going to invite Ladybug again, right?"

"No, I still don't think—"

"AAAH! Will you do it for your, ugh," Marinette stopped to hold in the bile, "_number one fan?_"

Instantly, Chat Noir's eyes flashed with the eternal flames of determination and his muscles flexed to the maximum. "Anything for you, Princess! Anything for my number one fan!" he proclaimed and went off to save the day.

Marinette puked a little.

Tikki popped out, completely lost. "What the fuck did I miss?"

"You don't want to know. Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

_On the streets:_

Chat Noir landed on a bus and pointed his weapon at Glaciator. "Hey, big guy, looking for me?"

Glaciator took one look at him and said, "No." He kicked a police car at Chat Noir which launched the boy halfway across the city. The sidekick landed in a net of yo-yo string.

"You wanna say something to me, Chat?" Ladybug asked, suddenly at his side.

Chat Noir quickly untangled himself and struck his trademark super-pose which he believed made him look like a badass. It didn't. "M'Lady!" he boomed. "I was wondering if you'd..." his voice petered out.

Ladybug waited. "Wondering if I'd what?"

"Um, no, uh, what I meant was, if you're not busy..."

Again Ladybug waited. "I'm not busy."

Chat Noir turned around, muttering, "If you have the time? No. Would you be so kind—no. If you're not busy—I ALREADY SAID THAT!"

"Oh my Astruc, are you seriously overthinking this right now?!"

Glaciator stomped around the corner and opened fire on them. Both heroes spun their weapons into impenetrable shields, blocking the ice cream.

"Chat, just spit it out!"

"Would you do me the honor—No, that's terrible!"

Ladybug and Chat Noir leaped to the rooftops to escape. The citizens they left behind were ice-cream-ified. One couple tried to sneak away but Glaciator spotted them and took aim. However, when the Akuma saw how the two held onto each other, he couldn't bring himself to fire and let them get away.

This insightful weakness was completely missed by Ladybug and Chat Noir who were bickering on the roof.

"Say it!"

"If you've got nothing else going on—NO!"

"Say it!"

"Would you like to—NO!"

"AGH!" Fed up, Ladybug tackled Chat Noir back into the streets and shook him. "Are you having a stroke or something? Why? Can't? You? Use? Your? _Words_!?"

When Chat Noir's head stopped spinning, he shouted, "Because I promised my number one fan I'd do this!"

Ladybug's grip weakened. "Your fan?"

Chat Noir's shoulders sagged and he looked away. "I call her my number one fan, but… I'm pretty sure she's my _only_ fan. Everyone in Paris worships you, LB, but she's all I got and I'd do anything for her. I can't disappoint her by messing up again."

It was a good thing Chat wasn't looking because he might've noticed Ladybug's face, which usually burned red with anger, was shining a new more delicate shade of red. She slapped her cheeks until the heat went away.

"Hey." She took his hand and said softly, "You won't disappoint her." Then she added under breath, "Her expectations are already too low anyway."

Thankfully, Chat Noir didn't hear the last part. Her words finally appeared to reach him and he smiled. "M'Lady, will you—"

"Yes."

And for a moment, the world was okay.

_SPLAT! SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT!_

The heroes stared at the balls of ice cream that had sloshed next to them. They only then noticed Glaciator was standing over them, crying dairy tears harder than a middle-aged woman watching a Hallmark Christmas special.

"Such love! So beautiful!" the villain wept. "Such pure, innocent love!"

Ladybug and Chat Noir exchanged glances.

"GET HIM!" Ladybug screamed.

They fired their weapons at Glaciator's gut! The yo-yo and the staff went straight through the ice cream body until they hit something solid.

"Ow! My dick!" cried Andre's muffled voice.

Ladybug gasped. "He's not the ice cream. He's _inside_ the ice cream."

"It's like armor," Chat added. "So what's the plan? Melt the ice cream layer with heaters? Blow it away with a giant fan? Eat our way through?"

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug tossed up her yo-yo and down came a polka-dotted motorcycle helmet. "Perfect!"

"Perfect?"

Ladybug shoved the helmet on Chat Noir's head, picked him up, and chucked him with every ounce of her Amazonian strength. The Chat rocket sailed straight through Glaciator and came out the other side with Andre. The dairy giant collapsed into slush.

"Ladybug, help," Chat Noir wheezed from under the unconscious Andre's girth. "He's too heavy."

"In a minute." She broke the ice cream scoop, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

Paris was cleared of ice cream.

The ice cream statues became human again.

Hawkmoth and Nathalie were released.

"—do something crazy like turn against me," Hawkmoth finished. He blinked. "Wait, what happened?"

Behind him, Nathalie tripped and her knife flew out the window.

_("UGH! Nathalie, you're so terrible at this!")_

_Later, on the rooftop:_

Chat Noir signaled the violinist, spread some fresh rose petals, relit the candles, and lounged like a cat on the pigeon-dropping covered picnic blanket.

Ladybug walked in and feigned surprise, "Oh, wow, Chat, it's so beautiful."

"Aren't you glad you finally came?" He suavely stuck a rose in his teeth— "OW!" He spat out the thorny rose and offered her a plate of hors d'oeuvres. "Would M'Lady care for a snack?" Then he noticed the once scrumptious frog legs and pig testicles were covered with flies and quickly tossed the plate off the roof. "Ahem, we'll eat later. I wanted to take this night, Bugaboo, to—"

"To clear the air and figure out where this relationship is going?" Ladybug finished.

Chat Noir froze. "We're in a relationship?" he squeaked.

"Of course we are, Chat." She wrapped an arm around him. "We're in the best relationship there is: _friend_ship."

Chat Noir's slitted pupils shriveled. The violinist hit a sour note and stopped playing.

"I admit I hated your guts at first, wanted to claw my own ears off at every single one of your puns, castrate you every time you dared to touch me—still do, by the way—but, you know what, you've really grown on me and I consider you both a partner and a _friend._"

Chat Noir doubled over like he'd been sucker-punched. The violinist winced.

"Y'up, in this crazy world, there's no one else I'd rather have at my side as my _friend._"

Chat Noir coughed like he was choking on blood. "I-I-I mean, there's a chance we could become more than friends one day, right?" He managed to force out of his throat with only a few octave cracks.

"Nope. I cherish our _friend_ship too much."

Chat Noir collapsed, defeated.

"And besides, there's already a boy I like who I can't tell you about because of our secret identities and stuff."

In an instant, he was back on his feet. He looked her dead in the eye. "If this other boy was out of the picture, how would my chances be?"

"Not good," Ladybug answered flatly.

There was a pause. "You mean not good like one out of a hundred?"

"I'd say more like one out of _seven billion_."

There was an even longer pause. "So you're telling me... there's a chance." A big goofy smile spread across Chat Noir's face and he whooped and hollered, "YEAH! ONE IN SEVEN BILLION, BABY! I HAVE A SHOT!"

Chat Noir ran off into the night, celebrating like he had won the lottery!

Ladybug watched him go, unable to decide whether to pity or be annoyed by his stupidity.

_Later, at Adrien's:_

Adrien fell on his bed, a peaceful smile on his lips. Plagg grabbed some camembert and took a seat next to him.

"Them's the ropes, man," the Kwami said. "Sometimes the girl you love friendzones you like a piece of trash and there's nothing you can do but move forward. I'm proud of you for handling this so maturely."

Adrien nodded.

"Y'up, sometimes the girl you wanna bang is already making out with your secret identity and has no clue that you and Chat Noir are the same person."

Adrien nodded.

"Are you nodding because you understand Ladybug rejected Chat Noir because she's already into Adrien Agreste or because that obvious fact went over your head and being rejected has destroyed you emotionally and my words are just white static to you right now?"

Adrien nodded.

"Alright, I tried. Night." Plagg turned off the lights and went to his camembert castle.

_Hours Later:_

The serene night of chirping crickets and the occasional owl hoot was interrupted by an earsplitting, "WAIT! LADYBUG LIKES ME?!"

_ The Next Day: _

Marinette crossed the bridge that housed Andre's ice cream cart. The customers she passed were, surprisingly, not making lovey-dovey faces nor forcefully paired with the wrong person.

"Hey, Andre," she waved to the man. "You a good guy now or what?"

"Ah, Marinette, I see that you're back for more," Andre sang. "To answer your question, I'm dedicating all of my magic to settling our score." In a blur of scoops and dairy, he crafted a three-tier cone that glowed like neon with love and gave it to her. "One day, Marinette, one day soon, I'll concoct a flavor that'll make your heart croon."

"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you." Lick. "Yellow." Lick. "Green." Lick. "Blue? That's different." She headed home, fascinated by that taste of blue. Blue with subtle notes of… guitar?

From the other end of the bridge sprinted Adrien. "You're Andre, right?" he excitedly asked between breaths. "Is it true? Does your ice cream really have magic that'll make people fall in love?"

Andre chuckled darkly, "What do you think?"

"We live in a world with superheroes, supervillains, mind control, extra-dimensional beings, and time travel. I know magic is real."

Andre frowned. Half of magic was believing, not knowing. This boy was no fun. He moved to scoop the child some plain magic-less ice cream, but then Andre, Andre Glacier, the Sweetheart Matchmaker, saw the love in the boy's heart and the fragile thread that connected that heart to a girl on the bridge, a certain half-chinese girl with blue hair.

He smiled his sweet, sugary smile and got scooping. Andre had already poured all of his magic into the cone he'd just given Marinette, but he still had a few drops left. Not enough to ensnare the boy, but just enough to plant a seed.

"Strawberry with black chocolate chips, blackberries for her hair, and _chocolate_ ice cream, just like her dark, strong _Japanese_ stare." The Ice Cream Man gave Adrien the treat and added with a touch of evil, "On the house."

Adrien took the ice cream with delight and gave it a lick. "Hmmm… tastes like…" He smacked his lips. "Sushi?"

END

_Okay, expanding the beats of the story, I think there'll be 15 or 16 episodes from season 2 and 12-13 from season 3. Miraculous Migraine will be combining both seasons, by the way, into one big story._

_PS - For those readers who were wondering, this was why Marinette's macarons came out bad last chapter. She can't taste what she cooks._


	6. 6 Silly Alya, Trixx Are For Kids

_I'm just getting buried in rejection letters! Hooray, now I have kindling for the fireplace!_

* * *

PROLOGUE

_YES, I WANT TO, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! A STORY ENDS WHEN IT'S OVER! YOU KEEP GOING AND YOU'LL RUIN WHAT WAS ALREADY PERFECT!_

_{Or make it even better...}_

...TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 6: Silly Alya, Trixx Are For Kids  
_By: I Write Big

It was time.

The stage was set. The pieces were in place. The plan was ready to set into motion.

Tonight, Marinette Dupain-Cheng would put the final nail in the coffin that was her revenge on Alya Cesaire! This revenge will be far more devious than hiding Alya's phone or changing her blog passwords! This revenge will be remembered in the annals of revenge history as the greatest, ultimate, most revengiest revenge ever! And when her former tormentor begs for mercy, Marinette will look down upon the wallowing wretch and whisper... "No."

"Everything is going great, Mrs. Cesaire," Marinette said into the phone with an evil smile. Behind the girl, her intended victim was chasing two little brats around the Cesaire apartment. She watched the bespectacled girl like a vulture sizing up a fresh carcass. "Alya is just getting the kids to bed. I'll help take care of them. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all..."

"Um..." Mrs. Cesaire's wary voice replied, "Why do you sound like you're going to murder my children—"

Marinette hung up.

Murder? No, that would be too quick. What Marinette had in mind was something that would last much longer, something that would allow Marinette to savor every delicious moment of Alya's agony. The final ingredient she needed was a good old-fashioned Akuma attack. Two potential candidates were right there in front of her.

"But we don't wanna go to bed!" one of Alya's little sisters cried while ripping up the couch.

"We wanna stay up and watch da movie wiff you!" finished her twin while destroying the chandelier.

"And eat popcorn!"

"And do each other's nails!"

"And pwactice making out!"

"Make what out?"

"I dunno, but I wanna!"

Alya finally lassoed the two with the child-leash and dragged the little monsters to their bedroom. "Nope," she said. "You two Sapotis need to go to bed now so you can be awake for the super-fun amusement park adventure tomorrow and so I can start my _Watch My Family Sleep_ blog. Isn't that right, Marinette?"

Marinette smiled a conniving smile. "Oh, I don't know, Alya. Maybe we should let them stay up a bit longer."

"Yeah!" the twins cheered.

"We want sugar!"

"We wanna pway dress-up!"

"We wanna get hammered!"

"Why do we want hammers?"

"I dunno, but I wanna!"

"Marinette," Alya shot her a serious look. "You're not helping."

"Not trying to help."

Alya stuffed the troublemakers into their beds and set up the livestream. "Goodnight, you little Sapotis." Like a responsible big sister, she closed the door gently. Like a crazy little psychopath, Marinette opened that door gently and left a bag of pure uncut sugar in the room.

"Soon..." she whispered, then turned to Alya. "So, what the hell is a Sapotis?"

"Legendary creole creature of mischief that goes around destroying everybody's stuff."

Marinette's crazed grin sharpened. "How very... _Akuma_."

"Actually, now that we're alone..." Alya put her phone down. This made Marinette freeze. She had _never_ seen Alya put her phone down. _EVER._ From what she'd observed, it only made sense that the device was stitched to Alya's hand. The room suddenly felt very small. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about, Marinette..."

"You're moving?"

"No."

"You're breaking up with Nino?"

"What? No!"

"This whole time you've been lying about being bi and are actually a full-on lesbian and your years of blog abuse have been your own twisted way of flirting with me while hiding your sexual orientation from the world and yourself?"

Alya hesitated. "...No…?"

Marinette raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that?"

"I'll have you know that Nino and I are very happy together and he _chooses_ to dress like a woman for me," Alya claimed. "What I wanted to talk to you about was—"

The bedroom door exploded off its hinges and two twitching, babbling, and foaming-at-the-mouth rugrats tore through the house like a pair of Tasmanian devils. Marinette watched with glee as Alya fought to regain control. She munched on some popcorn and sipped on some soda as Alya lassoed the twins, only to be dragged through the house.

Half a soda can later, with the employment of some belts, the twins were strapped back into their beds.

"Good… night… Sapotis," Alya said between pants.

"Night!"

"What is night?"

"Too much sugar!"

"I can't feel my toesies!"

"DIABETES!"

Marinette shut the kids up by filling their mouths with several fistfuls of chocolate, caramel, and Fruity Pebbles and discreetly loosened their belts.

"Soon..." she whispered.

Marinette returned to the couch where a very pensive Alya waited. The usually eager to blog girl was hugging her knees in the corner, biting her nails. Her phone was on the table, nowhere near her.

"Alya, this is starting to freak me out. What did you want to tell me?"

She took a deep breath. "I don't really know how to say this without making it weird..."

"Weird? Ha!" Marinette scoffed. "Alya, trust me, there is nothing you could say that would make things weirder than they already are. Unless, of course, you're about to tell me you've been secretly dating Adrien this entire time, in which case I'll have to kill you, but other than that—"

"I've been thinking about where my life is going..."

Marinette didn't move an inch.

"I had a very long talk with Nino and he said something that made me think. Think about my past actions, how they affect others and that sort of thing. And these thoughts made me realize the consequences my actions have and… and..."

With every word, Alya seemed to sink deeper into herself. Marinette couldn't believe what she was hearing. For the first time since they'd met, she heard remorse in Alya's voice. She'd assumed such self-reflection was beyond Alya's abilities and yet here she was. Was this another effect of the Universe leaving them behind? Was this… Could Alya possibly be… changing?

"Alya," she whispered, eyes glistening with hope, "Are you trying to say you're sorry?"

Alya whipped around and gawked at Marinette as if she had sprouted a tail. "Sorry? For what?"

Marinette blinked. "For torturing me with your blogs?"

"Torturing you? I made you into a meme. You're welcome."

Marinette's eye spasmed.

"What I was going to ask you was if could I borrow some of your clothes? Nino's getting tired of playing the little sister and so I suggested he try roleplaying as you in bed."

Marinette said nothing.

"Wow, you were right, Marinette. Saying that out loud didn't make things weird. I was convinced you'd freak out and make it seem like I was projecting some repressed desires or something. How silly of me to worry."

Marinette said nothing.

"Anyway, you got any of those hot-pink jeans in Nino's size? I'm thinking you could cut some holes to make them revealing but also flattering around the butt. That boy's ass is _tight_."

Marinette said nothing. Marinette concluded that not everyone changed. Marinette opened the twins' door.

"Get her," she said.

A pair of hyper-fueled atomic stars shot into the room and obliterated everything.

_Five minutes later:_

The shredded remains of the Cesaire household roof lay scattered on the streets. The twins were back in their beds, this time held down with chains.

"That's it!" a bruised and beaten Alya proclaimed. "We are not going to the amusement park tomorrow! That's final!"

"No! Pwease!"

"We couldn't stop!"

"It's Marinette's fault!"

"She kept feeding us candy!"

Marinette gasped. "Such lies! Alya, you should triple-ground them for that!"

"Good idea." Alya took the twins' propeller hats off their heads and put them on the table where the kids couldn't reach them. For some reason, this pushed the children to the point of screaming… _in rage_!

Marinette channeled her inner Emperor Palpatine. "Good… _Good…_"

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man reminiscing.

"Ah, this takes me back," Hawkmoth sighed in nostalgia. "Adrien was such a quiet and well-behaved baby until he met Felix, that little troublemaker. Those two were practically twins as well. How strange… now that I think about, Felix was wild and rambunctious until he met Adrien. It's almost as if they... switched places..."

Hawkmoth got very quiet.

"Note to self: get a paternity test done. But first..." he grabbed a butterfly and filled it with darkness.

_Back at the Cesaire home:_

The girls were cleaning the destruction the best they could.

"What a night. One thing after another," Marinette said and then added with a knowing smirk, "At least it can't get any worse." She peeked through what was left of the bedroom door just in time to see the black butterfly shatter on the propeller hat. "Y'up, there's no way this could get any worse."

A pair of fashionably neon-pink, butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on both of the twins' faces and they saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Hey there, kiddos! It's your pal Hawkmoth!"

"Yay!" they both cheered.

"Now, I know you're both full of energy and want to have lots of fun!"

"We wanna destwoy evewything!" they both cheered.

"That's right, and while you're having fun—wait, what?"

"DESTWOY! EVEWYTHING!" Both twins were swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into tiny red devils wearing stupid propeller hats! They gobbled up the last of the sugar and POP! Two more Sapotis came into existence.

The creatures barreled into the house, eating and breaking everything they could!

As Alya swatted and batted the Sapotis away, Marinette dramatically fell to her knees and pretended to care. "Oh no! It's an Akuma attack! Who could've seen this coming? Who, I say? Who?"

All of the food in the kitchen was consumed in under a minute, quadrupling the number of Sapotis!

"Quick, Marinette, the window!" Alya ordered as she fended off several Sapotis with steak knives. "Shut it before they get out!"

Marinette filed her nails.

Alya stabbed several of the hell-beasts through the heart while shoving another into the oven and cranking the temperature to 500 degrees. "What are you waiting for? Move!"

Marinette yawned.

"Stop standing there! Do something!"

Marinette opened a second window.

All of the Sapotis flooded out the windows and invaded the city. Donning a cooking pot as a helmet and arming herself with her phone and several more butcher knives, Alya growled, "Well, I guess it's finally time to upload to my _Killing My Family_ blog." Alya charged out into the night.

Marinette watched the chaos unfold, not worried in the least.

Tikki showed herself and gave the girl a shrewd look. "Marinette, seriously, what are you planning?"

"You'll see," she sang. "Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

_ Meanwhile: _

Jagged Stone and Penny got into the back of a limo.

"Fang's new fake passport should be ready by now, Mr. Stone," Penny said. "The forger is only in the city tonight so we have to pick it up now or else it's another 6 months in Paris."

"Fantastic! We'll be out of this bloody hellhole by morning. To the black market!" he told the driver.

"Bwack market!" The pile of Sapotis behind the wheel gave him several dozen thumbs-ups and drove straight into the Seine.

_Also meanwhile:_

A trash collector emptied a can into the dump truck and the vehicle burst open like a balloon, releasing a torrent of Sapotis.

_Even more meanwhile:_

A tour guide pulled some tourists through Paris on a rickshaw bike. A Sapotis stuck a pipe in the spokes of the front wheel, knocking everyone to the street. The Sapotis dogpiled on the people and stole their wallets.

_ Whilemean: _

Hawkmoth watched the utter devastation the army of Sapotis was spreading—crashed cars, roaring fires, stolen pants. There were hundreds of the devils and their numbers were still growing. A little demolition here and there was necessary to get the message across, but there was a theme to his Akumas. They were always borderline cartoonish.

This? This was just… violence.

"Well, this is concerning," he muttered to himself.

In the back of his mind, Nooroo felt a new foothold in Gabriel's subconscious and smiled.

_ In the streets: _

Ladybug roasted marshmallows over the raging inferno that used to be a park. She made a s'more and gave it to a Sapotis.

POP! Another monster was born.

"Next!" she called.

"M'Lady!" Chat Noir landed nearby, awed by the sheer amount of creatures. "What's going on?"

"Oh, uh, um," Ladybug threw the Akuma-making-food into the swarm and got back into character. "Chat Noir, there are too many! Every bite makes more, but only two are the real Akumas! We'll never stop them!"

"Don't worry, LB!" He took a fighting stance and extended his battle staff. "As long as we work together, I know we can handle this."

"I appreciate the sentiment. Hold them off, will ya? Thanks! Bye!" Ladybug swung away.

"Guh? Bugaboo?! Where are you—" He was tackled by a tidal wave of Sapotis.

* * *

_Later, at Fu's massage parlor:_

Fu nervously hid behind the curtains as he watched a group of Sapotis piss on his front yard and then set it on fire.

"Looks like Nooroo is slowly taking back the wheel," Wayzz commented. "Took the bastard long enough."

"Keep calm." Despite his own words, Fu trembled. "Ladybug will take care of this."

"It's rude to assume," Marinette whispered into his ear.

"AH!" The old man dropped to the floor and scrambled away. "Why you here? Me no try to run! Me promise!"

"I know you promised, Fu, and I trust you." With a wide wolfish grin, Marinette lifted Fu by the collar and took him to the record player. "Open," she ordered.

He obeyed and out came the Miraculous Box. One by one, the many hidden compartments slid out, revealing many Miraculous items.

"Me assume you need new ally to fight Akuma?" Fu asked carefully.

"Ally, replacement, what's the difference?" Marinette inspected each Miraculous, drooling.

"Whoa, whoa!" Tikki flew in front of the girl. "Are you telling me that your big plan is to give a Miraculous to Alya so you can dump her with the whole saving humanity job?!"

"You say that like it's a bad idea," Marinette said with a heavy eye roll as she tried to decide whether the Miraculous ox nose ring or the Miraculous pig anklet would look stupider on Alya.

"It's a _terrible_ idea!" The Kwami grabbed Marinette and pushed her to the floor. "Listen to me! YOU CAN'T LET _**ANY OF THEM OUT**!_"

"WHY NOT?" Marinette shouted back.

"Because..." Tikki looked away, too ashamed to finish.

"Because..." Wayzz continued for her, chuckling like a tattletale, "None of the Kwamis in there know what the world is really like. They don't know that, because of a mistake Tikki made, humans can now wield them as weapons. They think that Plagg and Tikki have been slowly taking over the planet over the past few millenniums and they're only supposed to come out when the human filth are our lowly slaves."

"Slaves?" Marinette sputtered. "I knew you were evil!"

"Oh, what gave it away?!" Tikki snarled, but then she pushed her anger aside and spoke earnestly, "Please, Marinette, I'm begging you, the Kwami can't find out I fucked up. They'll kill me!"

Marinette smiled. "Good."

"Ooh, not good," Fu corrected. "Kwami linked to wielder's soul. Human die, contract die. But if Kwami die, human die."

There was a pause.

"As I was saying," Marinette patted Tikki's bulbous head. "Don't worry, Tikki, I won't let anything happen to you."

Tikki bit that patting hand and melted into Marinette's body. The possessed girl robotically grabbed a pair of chopsticks and aimed the pointy ends at Marinette's heart. She thrusted! The deadly weapon stopped a millimeter from Marinette's skin.

"What the hell?" Marinette swore in a voice as dead as the audience at a Fred Haprele show. She tried to stab again but her arm stopped again as if there were an invisible wall covering her chest.

"Contract also say Kwami cannot kill their wielder," Fu added.

"GAH!" Tikki popped out of Marinette and headbutted the table over and over again.

"You shouldn't possess without a Miraculous, Tikki," Wayzz chided. "You haven't been doing that to her a lot, have you? Repeated direct possession has nasty side effects on humans."

Tikki ceased her meltdown, suddenly recalling increasingly frequent and odd displays of superstrength that seemed to almost always coincide with demonic-level fits of rage. "It does?" She sounded worried.

"Okaaay," Marinette said. "Ignoring the facts that Tikki just tried to kill me and every time she has threatened to eat me she couldn't even do it, maybe we don't need any help. I mean, I only fed, like, two or three Sapotis. How bad could it be out there?"

Marinette pulled back the window curtain, revealing billions upon billions of Sapotis tearing the city to pieces. There were so many, she couldn't see the street. On the horizon, a massive mushroom cloud erupted. Thankfully, it was the food kind of mushroom cloud and half of the city was covered with delicious pizza topping instead of nuclear radiation. Marinette closed the curtain and returned to the Miraculous Box.

"Which one will ask the fewest questions?"

* * *

_Later, at a not yet burned park:_

The merry-go-round was spinning faster and faster with Sapotis clinging to the wooden animals and laughing their asses off. At the control panel, Alya twisted the speed dial past the red _DANGER_ mark and ripped the knob off. The ride spun to blurring velocity and took off into the sky like a helicopter where it crashed into a building and exploded.

"Ten points!" Alya cheered.

Then Ladybug landed before her. "Listen to me _veeery_ carefully, Alya. I need your help." She held up a small oriental jewel box.

Alya gasped deeper than anyone had ever gasped before in the history of humanity. It was a gasp so deep, Alya's mouth nearly became a black hole and consumed the Earth.

"You're gonna make me a superhero!?" she squealed.

"Yes and no. It's complicated—"

"Don't care about the details!" Alya ripped the box out of Ladybug's hands and wrenched it open. Inside, she found a necklace shaped like a fox's tail. An orange ball of energy emerged from the jewelry and shined brightly.

"THE TIME HAS COME!" a child's voice crackled from the ball. "BUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"

"Uh..." Alya took an uncertain step back. "What's happening?"

Ladybug grabbed her shoulders and held her in place. "No sudden movements."

The energy coalesced into a tiny orange Kwami that had tall fox ears and a swishy fox's tail. With piercing purple eyes, the creature examined the burning ruins of Paris around them, taking in the screams of pain and horror with satisfaction.

"Yes, yes, well done, Tikki, well done, indeed," the orange Kwami said to Ladybug, nodding with admiration. "You've clearly brought the worms to their knees."

"Tikki?" Alya questioned. "That's not Ladybug's name—"

"Y'UP!" Ladybug shouted while shaking Alya until she shut her mouth. "That's me! I'm Tikki, possessing this inferior human meat-puppet! And, as you can see, everything has gone according to my diabolical plan!" Then she added under her breath, "Just play along, Alya."

The Kwami flew closer and sniffed the bespectacled girl. "And am I to assume this pitiful thing is to be my new pet?"

"Pet?" Alya asked out of the corner of her mouth.

Ladybug nodded desperately.

"Um, yes?"

"Splendid! In the rare moments that I grant you permission to speak, human, you may call me Trixx." Trixx stroked Alya's hair like she was a good dog. "And I shall call you Muffin."

Alya's eye twitched. "The fuck?"

"Time's a-wasting, Muffin. I command you to don your slave collar and say the magic words 'Trixx, let's pounce,' so that I may join the hunt. It's been too long since I snapped a neck."

Alya said nothing. She glanced at Ladybug.

Again, Ladybug nodded desperately.

Still not too sure what was going on, Alya slipped on the fox necklace and said, "Trixx, let's pounce." In a razzle of orange, Alya transformed into a fox-themed hero, complete with fox ears and a wooden flute on her back. Alya marveled at her new outfit.

"Okay, as awesome as this is," she said, "what was with that slavery and Muffin crap?"

Another mushroom cloud erupted on the horizon. This one was portobello flavored.

"I'll explain later!" Ladybug lassoed a rooftop and took off. "Come on!"

_Deeper in the city:_

Chat Noir was trapped under a mountain of Sapotis. The sheer weight of the devils crushed his ribs. "Hey," he grunted out, "That was a whole two minutes without getting captured. I think I might actually be getting better at this."

Just before one of the Sapotis could grab his ring, a polka-dotted yo-yo ripped through the bodies, slicing all of their propeller hats in half. The entire mass of Sapotis poofed out of existence but no black butterfly appeared.

Ladybug and Alya landed in the street and proceeded to beat the ever-living crap out of all of the Sapotis.

"This is so insane!" Alya gushed as she splattered another Sapotis with her wooden flute. "I have superpowers and I'm fighting supervillains and I have this eery desire to slaughter the human race! Ignoring that third one, this is a total dream come true!"

They finished the last of the Sapotis in the street and turned to Chat Noir just as he was recovering.

"Whoa..." he said at the sight of Alya. "Who is this superhero?"

When Alya saw Chat Noir, her eyes flashed purple and she grinned like a lunatic, "Plagg, you little rascal!" she said in Trixx's childlike voice. She covered her mouth, regaining her hazel eyes and her own voice. "Sorry, don't know where that came from. Don't worry, shouldn't be a problem, I'm used to repressing things. Hello, Chat Noir, I am..." Alya's confidence wilted, suddenly under the spotlight. She scoured the world around her for inspiration to make a cool superhero identity. "I'm... uh..."

She spied a Sapotis doing a sick ollie with a stolen skateboard.

"Ollie..."

Then she saw a Sapotis checking the yaw-rate sensor of a car.

"...yaw..."

Then she spotted some Sapotis waving a giant cue card that read _Cesaire._

"Ce-saire… Yeah, call me Alya Cesaire. DAMMIT!"

"Nah, that doesn't really fit the costume," Chat Noir said.

"You're right! Forget that last name. I never said it. Call me… Rena Rouge!"

Dramatic triumphant pause.

Ladybug sighed. "The cat-boy in black spandex is called Black Cat and the fox-girl in the red suit is called Red Fox. We are terrible with names."

_ Meanwhile: _

Hawkmoth sputtered at the window, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! There are more Miraculous out there? How exciting!" He jumped from foot to foot, clapping like a child. "I'm going to make a whole collection of magical jewelry and look like a pretty princess!"

He reached out to all of the Sapotis and ordered them to attack.

_Back in the fight:_

Ladybug steepled her fingers into a sinister pyramid as she watched Chat Noir approach Rena Rouge. Her original plan of replacing herself with Alya as the new hero of Paris might've not worked, but she could at least dump Chat Noir's sexual harassment on someone else. Plus, getting a front-row seat to a Chat Noir beating was a definite win. She wished she had some popcorn.

"Well, it's very nice to make your acquaintance, Rena Rouge." Chat Noir shook his new superpartner's hand politely. "I hope that we will work well together."

"Likewise, Chat Noir."

A little more formal than Ladybug had anticipated but she was convinced the manners were just a ruse to make Rena Rouge lower her guard. Ladybug waited for Chat Noir to kiss Rena Rouge's hand.

He didn't.

Ladybug waited for Chat Noir to give her a punny nickname like _Foxy_.

He didn't.

Ladybug waited for Chat Noir to grope Rena Rouge's ass and call it _grabbing tail_.

He didn't.

Instead, he said, "If you don't mind me saying, Rena Rouge, I'm very excited to have you on the team. I feel like working with you is going to be a lot of fun."

Ladybug's wrench wound pulsed.

"Looks like the fun is about to start," Rena said, turning to the next wave of Sapotis. She raised her flute and charged into the fight. Chat was about to join her, but then Ladybug grabbed him by the bell and pulled him close.

"What the fuck is up with you?" she demanded.

"What do you mean?" he asked innocently.

"A brand new supergirl just dropped into your life!"

"And…?"

"And you haven't hit on her once!"

Chat Noir blinked. "Why would I?"

"She's in tight, revealing spandex!"

Chat Noir blinked again and then said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world, "Yeah, but she's not you."

His words rang through the air. Simple and honest. Ladybug didn't move as, for the briefest microsecond, she felt… flattered. She smothered that emotion quickly.

"Don't give me that!" she roared and shoved Chat Noir towards the girl. "You get over there and flirt with Rena Rouge, right now, mister!"

"But I don't wanna."

"NOW!"

Chat Noir flinched from the scary shout and obediently inched closer to the fighting Rena Rouge. "Hey, Rena," he awkwardly cleared his throat. He looked like a lost puppy. "You, uh, uh, have you been a fox-girl long?"

Rena Rouge shish-kabobed a few more Sapotis on her flute and said, "Nope, my first day."

"Well, if it's anything like being a cat-boy, you should start carrying a Hairball Bag. You know, for the hairballs. Just in case."

"Really? I never thought of that. Thanks for the heads up."

Chat Noir smiled proudly and looked back at Ladybug. She made the universal sign of "What the fuck was that?!"

He made the universal half-shrug of "Sorry, I really don't know what you want from me. I can't do this."

She responded with the universal arm gesture of "You'd better figure it out or I'm going to introduce you to a world of pain." But she neglected to include the essential wrist flick and the message came out as the universal gesture of "It's okay, you tried your best. Let's forget this whole thing ever happened and move on with our lives."

He laughed and made the universal smile and wave of "Thanks, I knew you'd understand. I treasure the relationship we have already." Followed by the universal hip thrust of "I especially treasure that bootylicious, polka-dotted, bubble butt—"

She flipped him off.

At this point, the Sapotis were overrunning them. The hero trio climbed to a nearby rooftop and watched the Sapotis army's numbers swell even more.

"Lemme give you the basics, Rena Rouge," Chat Noir said, "You and I beat the Akumas for a while until M'Lady gets annoyed enough to use her Lucky Charm—"

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug cried, throwing her yo-yo in the air.

"—and chucks whatever piece of junk she gets at the bad guys."

Rena Rouge waited. "And then…?"

"And somehow that works. Isn't that right, Bugaboo?" They both turned in time to watch Ladybug chuck a polka-dotted unicycle at the endless horde. One unfortunate Sapotis got a pedal to the nose and died. Nothing else happened.

"Huh," Ladybug said. "That usually works. Well, I'm out of ideas."

The Sapotis began scaling the walls! A section of their building collapsed behind them! The heroes could run but to where? The entire city was full of monsters!

"Yes..." a child's voice cackled.

Ladybug turned to Rena Rouge. Her eyes were purple again.

"Such a pitiful resistance from the humans," Trixx spat at the Akumas. "This is too easy. Tikki, recover your wheel device. Plagg, bring me as many bladed weapons you can find. It's time to _hunt._"

Chat Noir whispered to Ladybug, "Why did she call me—"

"Just do what she says and don't ask questions," she squeaked back.

_ Later: _

Ladybug rode through the war-torn streets of Paris on a rickshaw bicycle. She used a traffic cone as a megaphone as she said, "Come one, come all to the grand opening of Sapotis Land! Where a kid can be a kid, and by kid I mean a sugar-fueled ball of destruction who cares about no one but themselves. We have games! We have candy! We have all the bubblewrap you can pop!"

"Games?" said one Sapotis.

"Candy?" said another.

"I wanna pop dat bubblewrap!" screamed a third.

"BUBBLEWRAP!" The horde collectively agreed on this third point and fought to be the front of the line in chasing the heroine. Ladybug peddled frantically to keep out of their sticky clutches.

_Up on a roof:_

"So..." Chat Noir said as he taped the seventeenth butcher's knife to the unicycle's wheel. The thing looked more like a saw blade. "You think this is enough?"

"It will do," Trixx snickered with childish joy. The grotesque sound made Chat Noir think of animals crying in a slaughterhouse. He shivered. "Put the weapon into position. I shall lay the bait."

Drawing her wooden flute, Trixx played an ominous melody on the instrument. A ball of orange energy appeared on the other end. She swung the flute out.

"Mirage!" she called.

In a blast of color, a giant fake amusement park hallucination appeared across the city!

"Hey! Woo-wee, look at me! I just started existing!" the newly born ticket-seller at the park entrance said, waving to the approaching mass of red. "Come on in, kids, I've got candy! You can always trust strangers with candy!"

Ladybug aimed for the narrow alley that led to the park and ditched the bicycle. She ran to the other end and stopped. The alleyway was so narrow the Sapotis were filing through one-by-one. Then the sharp wheel dropped into her hands. Chat Noir's battle staff was threaded through the center.

"Oh, I get it!" she said, extending the staff and jamming the wheel in place so the blades just reached the top of the Sapotis' heads. She jumped to the rooftop. "The Sapotis run through and the wheel breaks their propeller hats."

"Wow, that's so clever," Chat Noir added.

"Hats?" Trixx gave them both an odd look. She then chucked her wooden flute into the alley, knocking the wheel and its blades a full foot lower. "Don't be silly, you both know you can't kill a human by slicing off their _hat_."

Both heroes turned pale.

Down below, the ticket-seller amped up the pitch. "That's it, kids, come on through. Make sure your chin is raised and you're running at head-chopping speed. Hurry up! Be the first in Sapotis Land! It's so fun, you'll _lose your head!_"

_SLICE!_

Ladybug screamed.

Chat Noir screamed.

Hawkmoth screamed.

Trixx laughed.

_Three French Revolutions worth of Decapitations Later:_

"I don't know about you guys, but this was extremely traumatizing for me," the ticket-seller cheered as he and the amusement park disintegrated into gold dust. "Glad I don't have to live anymore. Goodbye, you dark, cruel, twisted world."

Ladybug trembled on the rooftop, barely aware enough to notice the black butterfly flutter past her. With a sickening knot in her stomach, she de-evilized the bug and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The city was put back together.

Alya's home was put back together.

Alya's little sisters were put back together.

"Haha!" Trixx beat her chest like Tarzan. "How exhilarating! Nothing like the fresh night air after a good hunt. My thanks for putting everything back together, Tikki. Now we can hunt the humans all over again—"

Ladybug uppercutted her.

The girl shook her head and the purple eyes were gone. "Thank you," Rena Rouge wheezed. "I couldn't break free."

Her necklace began to beep. Before she could start freaking out about that, Ladybug grabbed Rena Rouge and took her through another alley. "Take care of the kids, Chat Noir," she ordered.

"All right, time to show off my fathering skills." Chat rubbed his hands together and turned to the children. "Who wants a million-dollar allowance and a Chat Noir autograph?"

"Boo!" both twins threw trash at him. "We want Ladybug!"

_A couple of doors down:_

Ladybug and Rena Rouge hid behind a car just as the Fox Miraculous beeped a final time. A flash of orange and Alya was back… as well as Trixx.

"What a hunt! Haha!" the Kwami applauded. "I haven't sated my bloodlust like that in generations! Although the humans were much smaller and redder than I recall and it sort of felt like I wasn't the one fully in control at times. Oh well, I'm sure it's just me shaking off a few cobwebs. You did a fine job, Muffin, and deserve a treat."

Trixx started searching through a trash can.

Alya hissed at Ladybug, "Seriously, what the fuck?"

"Short version: that's a Kwami, they're demons who give you powers, but they think they rule the world and we need to keep it that way or they'll eat us all."

"Whaaa..."

"Here you go, Muffin." Trixx came back with a moldy rotten apple core and stuffed it into Alya's gaping mouth. "You enjoy that. Who's a good human? You are! You're a good human! Yes, you are!"

Without a word, Alya took off the fox necklace. Trixx vanished from existence in the middle of making kissy faces. She gave the Miraculous to Ladybug.

"Wow," Ladybug smirked, drinking in Alya's look. It was the look of sheer disappointment one makes when one's belief in magic is utterly annihilated. "That's rather humble of you to return your powers without me even asking."

Alya spat out the apple core and walked away.

"That's a true sign of heroism. Can't ignore that," Ladybug continued. "I'll be calling on you again when I need help."

Alya flipped her off.

"Not like you have a choice. Welcome to the club, bitch."

_Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

"If I know Trixx, then she's bragging to the rest of the Kwamis about her _hunt_-filled night," Tikki said as Fu put the Fox Miraculous back in the box. "She'll paint a picture of a chaotic world where humans are putting up a pointless fight in a war that they can never win."

"How's that different from the truth?" Marinette sassed.

"Good point."

"So, as long as we keep this lie going and pretend the Akumas are the human resistance," Marinette stroked her chin and her grin sharpened to a dagger point, "I can make anyone I don't like do all the heavy work?"

"Hey..." Tikki tapped her nonexistent chin. "You're right…"

Then Tikki began to laugh. And Marinette joined her. Their laughter grew louder and more hysterical until it was bouncing off the walls and echoing across the city. Dogs howled at the moon in defiance of the disturbing laughter. Children hid under their beds in fear. In his hidden tower, Gabriel and Nooroo both stopped and turned as if they heard something… familiar.

"Were we laughing just now?" Gabriel asked.

"No," Nooroo said.

"Nathalie, is Duusu laughing?"

"It's always laughing, sir," Nathalie's voice droned down the hall. "Always. Heheheeh..."

Shaking in the corner of the massage parlor, Fu watched the madness grow. "This was mistake."

_Later, Back at the Cesaire apartment:_

Marinette banged on the front door, getting her frantic "Are you all right?" face ready. "Oh, Alya, are you home?" Knock-knock-knock. "If you're having a mental breakdown because of your worldview getting destroyed, let me in so I can get a pic."

The door burst open and Alya dragged her inside. "GIRL! You're not gonna believe this! New hero!"

"Huh?" Marinette's confusion didn't stem from Alya's words. She knew exactly what 'new hero' she was talking about. The confusion was due to Alya's ecstatic, thrilled, and borderline euphoric attitude. "Right, I, uh, heard about there being a new hero. Did anything else interesting happen tonight? You know, maybe a big revelation about the world you discovered that's worth getting depressed about?"

"Depressed? Why would I get depressed? Look at how much the Ladyblog is blowing up!" She swiped through the site, showing a multitude of new Rena Rouge fanart, fanfics, and Rena Rouge x Ladybug shipping art.

A _lot_ of Rena Rouge x Ladybug shipping art.

"Oh," Marinette said.

A metric ton's worth of Rena Rouge x Ladybug shipping art.

"Oh..."

Like, you could fill several museums with this amount of Rena Rouge x Ladybug shipping art.

"I get it," Marinette sighed as she watched Alya salivate over the more _erotic _depictions. "Yeah, I get it."

END

_I don't get it._


	7. 7 Failure of the Planet of the Apes

_DUDES! TWO AGENTS! **TWO** AGENTS HAVE ASKED TO READ MY BOOK! MERCY, I FEEL LIKE THE BELLE OF THE BALL!_

_I had way too much fun with this chapter._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_WAIT, WHO THE HELL HAVE I BEEN TALKING TO THIS WHOLE TIME?_

_{Not important...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 7: Failure of the Planet of the Apes  
_By: I Write Big

Parents.

Love them or hate them, every child holds their parents up on a pedestal. Until children can provide for themselves, parents are the caregivers, the providers, and the shining examples of maturity. Sometimes, this results in children respecting their parents. Other times, this makes it hard for some children to be direct with their parents.

Adrien is of the latter group.

"Um, Father?" Adrien said from the doorway. It was as far as he was ever brave enough to go into his Father's office when the man was present. He stood at the other side of the room, meticulously designing a new bag on his computer.

"What is it, Adrien?" he asked without looking up.

"Can we possibly, maybe, if it's not too much to ask, talk for a few minutes?" The boy shuffled his feet and nervously played with his ring, not daring to say anything further.

Gabriel blinked and checked his Chat Noir calendar. "Is it August already?"

"No, Father, I wanted to talk outside of our annual designated talking hour."

"Ooh! That sounds fun! I'd love to!"

Adrien gasped, his eyes brightening. "Really?"

"Yes, I think I should be able to squeeze in two and a half minutes about three weeks from now but you should check with Nathalie, she can schedule the appointment."

The child's happiness was quickly drowned. "No, nevermind," he sighed. "It'll be too late by then."

Gabriel heard the sorrow, the rejection, the pain and every parental instinct flared at the same time. He looked up.

"Adrien—"

But his boy was already gone. He stood there in silence, sudden concern crippling him from working anymore. Perhaps, that was a good thing. Perhaps, he shouldn't work today. Perhaps, he should go after his son and—

"Hold up a sec!" Nooroo popped out of his shirt and ponderously stroked its nonexistent chin. "I just noticed something. Pull up a photo of Chat Noir."

Gabriel immediately forgot about that "perhaps" train of thought and logged onto the Ladyblog.

"Welcome back, MothHawk!" chimed the site.

He found a 2-hour long compilation video of Chat Noir's multiple fails and pressed play. Nooroo took the keyboard and scrubbed through the various faceplants, gut punches, falling off rooftops, and getting captured or possessed until they saw a clip of Chat Noir cradling his hand which had recently been pancaked by Hammerer the hammer-themed Akuma who preferred mallets the size of Christmas hams.

"There!" The Kwami zoomed in the image. It was a bit pixely but they could make out the black Miraculous ring. Next, Nooroo brought up a photo of Adrien and zoomed in on the same hand. Nooroo gaped.

"Motherfucker," it said.

"What?" Gabriel asked.

"What do you mean _what?!_" The Kwami pointed at the rings, one black, one silver, both on the same finger of the same hand and both nearly identical in shape and design. "Are you not seeing this?"

Gabriel leaned closer, humming to himself as he examined the rings. His eyes shot open and he gasped!

"Adrien is married?!"

Nooroo slapped itself, "Wrong hand, idiot!" The Kwami flew over to the hidden safe. "Duusu, did you know about this?!"

_("I can neither confirm nor deny anything, li'l Noo,")_ the echoey voice snickered. _("Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. Who knows? Oh wait, I do. Or do I?")_

"Forget about your stupid bet with Plagg and tell me!" Nooroo demanded.

_("Nuh-uh, you didn't say the magic word,")_ it sang.

"Please!"

_("Ooh, sorry, the magic word was Nutella. Thanks for playing.")_

Gabriel stepped in, "What's this about, Nooroo? It's perfectly normal for a boy Adrien's age to experiment with jewelry, as long as he doesn't get a nose ring—"

"Your kid is Chat Noir!" Nooroo roared.

Stone cold silence filled the room.

Then Gabriel laughed. "HAHAAHAH! Seriously? Hahahahah! Why? Because they're both blonde boys with the same body-type, hairstyles, age group, and remarkable skill with a sword that could only be learned in a fencing class?"

"YES!"

"Pffft, okay, Nooroo, okay," Gabriel waved off the ridiculous claim. "Then how do you explain the fact that almost every time Chat Noir has fought an Akuma Adrien has been locked in his room, practicing his piano? He can't be in two places at once and he never goes near the cloning machine. It's impossible! Now, if you're done making wild j'accusations, something is clearly bothering my boy. Excuse me."

Gabriel marched out of the office and up the marble escalator. The serene notes of Adrien's piano playing rang through the mansion as he approached, filling him with a firm sense of responsibility. It was time to be a dad.

"Adrien? I'm sorry about—" He knocked and the door creaked open. Adrien was not sitting at the piano. Instead, it was Ladydoll. On the other side of the room, a window stood wide open to the city.

Ladydoll stopped playing and beeped, "Oh no, the jig is up."

Gabriel's eye twitched.

_Meanwhile, on the International Space Station:_

An astronaut watched the sun break over the heavenly horizon. It was so beautiful up here. So peaceful. So quiet.

"ADRIEN!"

The astronaut looked down at France, wondering what the hell that was.

* * *

_At Marinette's:_

The commercial for the new Adrien cologne played on the girl's computer for the twenty-millionth time.

"Radiant… Care-Free… Cheesy…" a sexy voice narrated as the recording of a shirtless and chiseled Adrien ran across a picturesque rooftop and leaped up into the sky, thrusting his bulging crotch at the clouds. "Adrien. The Fragrance. Now you too can smell like a sweaty teenage boy."

"Adriennn… Adriennn… Adriennn…" Marinette ohmmm'ed like a monk. At the same time, she repeatedly sprayed clouds of Adrien Fragrance cologne over herself with several bottles. The commercial played again. "Adriennn… Adriennn… Adriennn…"

"Luka," Tikki whispered into her ear.

"ADRIEN!" she screamed before ripping the bottles open and soaking herself with the cologne.

_On the streets:_

Adrien Fragrance ads covered every square inch of Paris. Billboards, bus benches, coffee cups, they all had his face on them. Normally, seeing one's face this much would make one feel very exposed. Too bad Adrien didn't have a strong sense of self-preservation.

"This is kinda freaky, man," Plagg said.

"It's just a cologne ad," Adrien replied without a hint of worry. "My face is on ads all the time. What makes this one so different?"

"There he is!" shrieked a voice. On the corner was a boy dressed nearly identical as Adrien and carrying a life-size cardboard cutout of the teen model. He rushed to Adrien, literally foaming at the mouth. "Oh my Astruc! It's really you! I love you, man!"

"Hi, always nice to meet a fan," Adrien recited his practiced response.

"I mean it! I _LOVE_ you! I want to _BE_ you! I wear your clothes! I use the same soap! I sleep on the sidewalk closest to your bedroom window! I'm even planning to get my hair transplanted and my face altered with plastic surgery so I can look exactly like you!"

Adrien hesitated. "Why do you remind me of Marinette?"

"And now with the new Adrien Fragrance, I finally _SMELL_ like you! THE TRANSFORMATION IS NEARLY COMPLETE!" The super-fan then wrapped a tight arm around Adrien and took a selfie with him. Before Adrien could stop him, the pic was posted online.

_Meanwhile, in the Agreste Limo:_

Ape-Man got a notification from the Online-Adrien-Tracker and a new destination was set in the car's GPS. He put the pedal to the metal and hit the nitrous.

_Back on the street:_

Adrien spotted the limo approaching and decided to hightail it out of there.

"No, wait!" the super-fan gave chase. "I didn't get to feel your abs! Adrien, come back!"

His shout was heard across the neighborhood. Heads turned and spied Adrien as he booked it down the road.

"Is that Adrien?" gasped a fan.

"It's Adrien!" squealed a lonely housewife.

"ADRIAN!" roared Rocky Balboa.

Within minutes, a third of Paris was chasing the boy.

_Back at Marinette's:_

The in-denial girl was rolling around in a puddle of Adrien Fragrance, repeating to herself, "Adrien, Adrien, I only like Adrien."

Her phone rang. It was Alya. "Girl, where you at? You were supposed to meet us at the pool for the _I Can't Swim_ blog half an hour ago."

Marinette jumped to her feet, drenched with cologne. "GAH! Right! I was, um, I was trying to decide which swimsuit to wear."

Behind her, in plain view, the Adrien Fragrance commercial restarted again at full volume.

Alya raised an eyebrow at the girl dripping with what looked like sweat in front of what looked like softcore Adrien porn. "Were you masturbating?"

"NO! SEE YOU SOON, BYE!"

Marinette hanged up, grabbed her bag, and raced out of the house. The girl got about two blocks away before she registered something was wrong. It felt... _breezier_ than normal, but there was no wind. She looked down.

"GAAAH! TIKKI, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I'M STILL WEARING MY PAJAMAS?!"

The Kwami smirked. "Why do you think?"

Marinette resisted the urge to scream again, lest she drew attention to her half-nude self, and turned back for home.

WHAM!

When the stars cleared from her head, Marinette saw she had run face-first into the one person who should not be here.

"Marinette?" Adrien said between pants. "Hey, you live around here, right? Could I hide at your place for a bit?"

Marinette's response was one he did not expect. Instead of words coming out of her mouth, her arms instinctively covered her chest—much like how his hands cover his crotch in the presence of Ladybug—and her face turned a shade of red deeper than he'd thought humanly possible. This confused the boy.

"Um, you see—" He sniffed the air. "Are you wearing my cologne?" The ground began to rumble. "Uh oh," he gulped.

The stampede appeared, led by the super-fan, still waving his Adrien cutout. "There he is!" The super-fan pointed at them, rolled his eyes into the back of his head, and let out an unholy ghoul-like screech that iced Marinette and Adrien's blood.

"Why does he remind me of me?" Marinette asked. Then she realized the answer and her stomach sank, "Oh no… RUN!" She grabbed Adrien and dragged him towards the park.

The horde was close behind, trampling and pushing and shoving each other aside to be the first to touch Adrien! The globular mass of bodies tore through the park and kept on going into the city like a swarm of piranhas.

They somehow missed the fountain.

Thankfully not filled with water at the moment, Adrien and Marinette were huddled in the dry basin. Adrien waited until the sounds of fangirling became distant before allowing himself to breathe.

"Phew, that was quick thinking, Marinette, good jo—Are you putting on a bikini?"

The girl across from him stopped as if she'd been caught stealing. The itty-bitty-teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini top (which she was going to wear for the first time today) she was tying over her wet shirt popped off with a snap and went flying.

"Ow! My eye!" a distant voice cried, followed by a car crash.

Marinette ripped a pair of tiles out the fountain's floor and used them to cover her chest. "Bikini? Why would I be putting on a swimsuit here? There's no pool here! It's not like I don't wear a bra under my pajamas because they're uncomfortable to sleep in and my shirt is soaking wet to the point of being practically see-through! Hahaha! That's not it! Well, you look safe here, I'll be heading home now, bye!"

She stood up, only for Adrien to pull her back down. Her precious tiles tumbled from her slippery grip and shattered.

"Look out!" Adrien hissed, pointing at the limo creeping along the road like a hungry shark.

"What? Why are we hiding from _your_ car?"

"I can't get caught. I sort of… snuck out."

_KER-FLASH!_

Both teens turned to see a park-keeper typing on his phone. "Adrien and his bra-less girlfriend in a fountain? This is so going on my Instagram!"

"NO!" screamed Marinette.

_At the Agreste Mansion:_

Gabriel checked his rumbling phone. He gaped. "Adrien?"

_A block away:_

"In the fountain?" the mob grinned at their phones.

_At the pool:_

"Oh Astruc, you can see her nipples," Alya whispered and quickly saved the pic to her favorites.

_In the limo:_

Ape-Man got another update and Tokyo-Drifted around. He rammed the car through the park gates and came to a growling halt next to the fountain. The window slowly rolled down and he peeked out.

The fountain was empty. Except for an unconscious park-keeper.

_In the subway:_

Adrien and Marinette panted from knocking out that park-keeper and their subsequent fast escape.

"I'm so sorry I got you into this crazy mess, Marinette," said Adrien. "Plus, now everyone probably thinks you're my girlfriend."

Marinette stopped adjusting the pair of traffic cones tied over her chest and turned red again. "Oh no!" she squawked a little too eagerly. "I guess we have no choice but to hold hands and go on dates and kiss each other and eventually get married and move in with each other and have kids and live happily ever after until an emotional rift brought on by one of us having an affair tears us apart and there's this dark period where neither of us wants to see each other again but we slowly come to accept that we still love each other and the entire ordeal has only made our bond stronger and we renew our vows and spend our twilight years on a beach house where we're regularly visited by our grandchildren in order to keep up the charade. Don't worry, I'll make the sacrifice."

"No way." Adrien pulled out his phone and typed quickly. "I'm not gonna make you go through that pain." He tapped his screen a final time and said with pride, "There, now everyone knows we're just good friends."

"GAH!" Marinette grabbed the traffic cone over her heart in pain.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I just strapped this on too tight and got pinched," Marinette said when she was sure her heart wasn't going to stop again. "So, you snuck out, huh? Is it going to be okay between you and your dad?"

"How can anything bad happen," Adrien cheekily pulled out a familiar string of beads, "when I have my Marinette Lucky Charm?"

Warmth flooded Marinette's weak heart at the sight of her once Unlucky Charm. She'd nearly forgotten she'd given it to him all those weeks ago… on that day… that tasted of green flour… All this time, he had been carrying with him a little piece of her. It left her feeling… special. As this innocent moment transpired, the train on the other side of the platform arrived and dropped off hundreds of people.

"Look! It's Adrien from the ad!" squealed one.

Hundreds of phones rose and took pictures.

"Adrien!"

"It's him!"

"And his bra-less good friend who happens to be a girl!"

"GAH!" Marinette grabbed at her stuttering heart again, accidentally knocking her traffic cones into the rail tracks where they were promptly run over.

"See, it worked," Adrien smiled, then after a moment asked, "What's a bra?"

_Back at the pool:_

Alya was breathing a tad too heavily as she gazed deeply at her phone.

Rose approached. "Hey, Alya, whatcha looking at?"

The blushing girl jumped away and barked, "Mine! Back off!"

_Back the subway:_

"We can't stay here," Adrien said. "Come on!" He grabbed Marinette's hand and led her away. If Marinette wasn't preoccupied with covering her boobs with her free arm, she might've enjoyed being rescued by the boy of her dreams.

They were just about to reach the exit when Ape-Man appeared in their path!

"Other way!" Adrien ordered. They spun and ran, but the other exit was blocked by the super-fan with the cardboard cut-out!

"ADRIEEEEN!" the boy screeched like a ghoul again, this time baring more teeth than any human should have.

There was no escape!

Marinette and Adrien were trapped!

Then a train pulled up.

Adrien immediately tackled Marinette onto the train. As this happened, his Marinette Lucky Charm tumbled out of his pocket and landed on the station platform. The train shut and whisked the teens away.

The horde begged for Adrien to come back until the super-fan saw Ape-Man.

"Hey, that's Adrien's bodyguard! Get him!" he shouted.

Ape-Man cracked his knuckles and channeled his years of ballet.

_Five minutes later:_

The elegant routine ended with a sophisticated bow and Ape-Man stopped standing on his toes. Most of the horde moaned on the floor with multiple compound-fractured limbs and shattered teeth. The few who could still walk, including the super-fan, limped away with their lives.

Silent as a ten-ton boulder, Ape-Man picked up Adrien's lucky charm and continued his search.

_In the hidden tower:_

Gabriel rose through the floor on the mini-elevator, muttering to himself. "I mean, if, and that's a _biiiig_ if, Adrien is Chat Noir, then this is a good thing. We both want Emilie back. I'll simply explain to him what's going on and he can convince Ladybug to willingly give us her Miraculous and this will all be over."

"Oh sure," Nooroo sassed. "Just sit your kid down, give him a soda, and calmly explain why you were justified in mind-controlling dozens of innocent people into becoming horrible monsters who normally attack his classmates. That'll go great!"

The Kwami's sarcasm managed to push a new word into Gabriel's mind. It worried him. "Um, okay, I've been a member of the 1% of the 1% of the uber 1% for, like, ever so I might not know what I'm talking about but it kind of sounds like you're saying my actions are going to have… _consequences_."

Nooroo stared.

"I mean, I knew I would have to deal with the law eventually, which is why I've already bribed all the judges in France, but you didn't mention Adrien might hate me."

"Hate you?" Nooroo said. "No."

Gabriel sighed in relief, "Oh thank Astruc."

"Adrien is going to _more_ _than_ hate you."

Gabriel gasped.

"He's going to despise you. He's going to abandon you, take the last name of whoever he marries, burn every photo he has of you, and never speak to you or call you Father ever again." An evil smile cracked across Nooroo's face. "That's why you can only trust me."

For a while, Gabriel didn't react. Then he scoffed.

"Oh, Nooroo, quit being so negative. If Adrien really is Chat Noir, then I'm going to tell him everything and that's that. It's like Simon Says said, you gotta trust your kids."

"Can you trust him?" Nooroo's smile widened to a sinister width.

Gabriel hesitated. "Nooroo, dark wings rise!" he shouted. In a powerful pulse of purple, he transformed into Hawkmoth. "Ah, finally, it's gone. I can think clearly."

_Can you?_

Hawkmoth whipped around, half-expecting Nooroo to be there. No one was, except his white butterflies who were innocently playing Texas Hold 'Em.

"I didn't hear that."

* * *

_At the subway:_

Ape-Man wiped the blood from his knuckles as he exited the underground, only to find the Agreste limo being towed.

"Wow, this is way more effective than shooting cars," Officer Roger said as he handed Ape-Man the ticket. "Sorry, bud, but you can't do a kickass double-reversal tailspin grind-out with a broken tail light. The road is for everybody."

Ape-Man crumpled the ticket and readied himself for another ballet recital. But before he could go all Black Swan on the cop's ass, his phone rumbled. It was his boss.

"Did you lose Adrien again?" Mr. Agreste's voice demanded. "Don't tell me keeping track of a teenage boy is too complicated for someone like you! You'd better find him fast or there'll be no bananas for a month!"

Before Ape-Man could explain himself, the line went dead. He turned to beat some plies and jetes into Officer Roger but he was already gone and so was the limo. The frustration built in Ape-Man more and more until he punched a lamppost in half! He was pent-up, annoyed… _angry._

A black butterfly landed on the lucky charm in his palm and shattered. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Just so you know, this does not count as overtime," Hawkmoth said. "Guess what, you're going to be a giant King Kong ripoff. How does that sound?"

Ape-Man opened his mouth to respond—

"Yes, I know, exciting, isn't it? But what should I call you? King Kong is too obvious and there aren't enough syllables to make a proper pun there."

Ape-Man opened his mout—

"Ooh! Godzilla! Perfect! Just switch out the first syllable and you get Gorizilla! What do you think?"

Ape-Man open—

"Yes, yes, I know, super clever. Half of this job is coming up with the names. Sometimes I impress myself."

Ape-Ma—

"Well, what are you waiting for? Quit wasting time and find Adrien!"

Ape-Man sighed. He was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a giant purple ape! Gorizilla oooked and eeeked, pounding his chest and scattering the terrified citizens of Paris. He then sniffed the lucky charm and tucked the item in his ape pants. He caught Adrien's scent and leaped majestically into the heart of the city.

* * *

_Later, at a movie theater:_

Marinette was not much of a movie-goer, but something about the theater Adrien had pulled her into struck the girl as… strange.

It was the little things, like how the few other people in the audience were all wearing trench coats with collars so high and hats tucked so low that their faces were hidden, or how the concession stand was offering a large popcorn with a bottle of hand moisturizer and a box of tissues combo pack, or how the poster outside had 3 X's in parenthesis next to the movie's title. She'd assumed that was some new form of 3D, but now she was having doubts.

"We'll be safe in here," Adrien said, adjusting his motorcycle helmet disguise. "I didn't realize how much you liked popcorn."

"Y'up!" Marinette squeaked, clutching the pair of popcorn bags to her chest. "Can't get enough of the stuff." Her hair was wrapped in the towel she'd packed for the pool and she wore her goggles as an extra disguise. "By the way, I'm getting some weird vibes from this place. Are you sure we should be here?"

"Actually," Adrien leaned closer and whispered eagerly, "this was where I was heading when those crazed fans showed up."

"Here?" Marinette noticed what looked oddly like a fireman's pole in the corner of the theater. "Really?"

"They're showing a very rare movie I've never been able to see." He watched the screen with excitement. "It's not on the internet and my Father has hidden the only DVD somewhere at home. According to some sites, my Father has done everything he can to make sure this movie never sees the light of day, from destroying all public copies to making distribution companies disappear."

"Why would your Father go to so much trouble..." Her voice trailed off when she noticed each seat had a small wastebasket overflowing with wads of used tissues and thoroughly wrinkled cucumbers. She suddenly had a good idea of what kind of theater this was.

"You see, my mother played the leading role in this film."

And now Marinette had a good idea what kind of film they were about to see. "L-L-Leading role?"

"Yeah, I know my mother was an actress but I've never seen any of her movies before. Father always said they were too complex for me. Weird, right?"

Marinette took another look at that fireman's pole and now had a good idea what kind of _actress_ her Adrien's precious mother was.

"It's only being shown once, today, in this theater."

Marinette searched the boy's gaze. It was too ignorant, too unaware. He didn't know. "We should leave!" she blurted.

"What? Why?"

"The seats are lumpy! Popcorn's stale! I'm prone to seizures! Let's go!"

"But—"

The lights dimmed. The screen lit up.

"Ooh! It's starting!"

Marinette flailed, nearly spilling her popcorn-bag-bra. A stylistic black and white image of Notre Dame faded in. Somber piano chords of reflection, regret, and inevitability filled the room. The artistic cinematography stopped Marinette in her tracks. This was not what she expected.

Rain began to drizzle. An umbrella opened and rested on the shoulder of a woman walking away from the camera. She must've been Mrs. Agreste. The music crescendoed to an emotional peak and the title glowed in bold letters.

_ **SOLITUDE** _

"Huh?" Marinette said.

Maybe she was wrong. Maybe this was just an indie art-house film that Adrien's Father didn't like to watch because seeing his dear departed wife was too painful. Maybe this was—Marinette saw the umbrella woman wasn't wearing pants. The subtitle appeared.

_ **One Woman's Adventure of Sexual Self-Discovery** _

"Oh no..."

_ ** Producer & Fluffer   
** _ _ **Audrey Bourgeois** _

The piano music was switched out with sexy sax music and the umbrella woman began to turn. She wasn't wearing anything above the waist either.

_ ** Starring   
** _ _ **Emilie "Whore D'oeuvre" Agreste  
** _ _ **and  
** _ __ **Caline "Cucumber Sandwich" Bustier**

"NO!"

Marinette jumped onto the seats ahead of her and shielded her pure Adrien from the truth. The entire audience stared at her. She slowly realized that, at her new height, the projector illuminated her like a spotlight and, in her haste, she had left her popcorn bags behind.

"Bra-less girl in a wet t-shirt!"

"Boobs! I-R-L!"

"They're too real! My eyes! _MY EYES!_"

_KER-FLASH!_

Adrien blinked. "Oh, that's what a bra is. Now I get it."

_Meanwhile, at the pool:_

Rose knocked on the Changing Room door. "Alya? Are you okay? You've been in there an awfully long time."

"Oh my Astruc! It's like she's completely topless!" Alya screamed back.

_Back at the theater:_

Almost immediately, the theater doors were thrown open and the horde flooded through. Adrien pulled Marinette back down and they sunk deeper into their chairs to hide. The trembling girl covered her chest, on the verge of tears. She'd just exposed herself in public in front of her Adrien. He probably thought she was a nudist or a pervert or a—

He wrapped her in his overshirt.

"Here. Sorry that I didn't notice earlier," Adrien said as he gently buttoned her up. "Don't cry. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Marinette. You're beautiful."

The whirlwind of emotions stopped. Marinette could barely breathe. "Y-You think I'm...b-b-b-b—"

There are certain words in the world that, when said by the right person with the right good deed, can be more powerful than magic. They can inspire bravery, confidence, and strength. This was such a combination and, in this case, the b-word unleashed The Beast.

"HE'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

The Beast's demonic claws tore through its new shirt and ripped several chairs out the floor, their bolts flying in every direction like bullets. It bashed the horde back with the chairs like a knight taking swipes at a dragon. Noses broke! Jaws snapped! Ribs fractured! Adrien ate some popcorn and tried to lean around the epic clash to watch the movie.

Then the entire building shook.

Heavy cracks appeared in the ceiling and the entire roof peeled open like a can of sardines.

"Oook," Gorizilla said and grabbed Adrien.

"ADRIEN!" The Beast roared, firing chair after chair at the Akuma. The villain didn't notice the pathetic attack and carried Adrien away.

"I'll save you, Adrien," the bruised, abused, and concussed super-fan proclaimed. He strapped on the motorcycle helmet Adrien left behind and gave chase.

Finally alone, Tikki popped out and observed the rabid creature Marinette had become. "Guess this is part of the side-effects of possession Wayzz was talking about," she muttered. "Marinette, can you hear me?"

"MIIIIINE!" The Beast howled and tried to bite the Kwami out of the air.

"Hey! No! Bad human!" Tikki smacked the girl across the theater.

Marinette got back up and looked blankly at her destroyed surroundings. "Whoa! What the hell happened here? Am I wearing Adrien's shirt? Adrien and I were hiding and then—"

"And then a giant ape Akuma kidnapped him," Tikki finished.

"Adrien was what?!" Marinette gasped. "Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug and swung out of the theater.

_On the streets:_

Ladybug flipped past the super-fan after Gorizilla. She arrived just as the Akuma finished climbing to the roof of a skyscraper and oooked and eeeked in triumph at the sky.

"Taking a shot in the dark here, but are you my bodyguard?" Adrien asked from his monkey-fist prison.

"Oook."

"Thought so. Hey, I just realized that I never asked what your name was. It's not really Ape-Man, is it?"

"Oook."

"Wow, that's an interesting name. It fits you nicely. Is it German?"

"Oook."

"Russian? I never would've guessed."

Ladybug soared through the air and launched her yo-yo at the fist holding Adrien but Gorizilla pulled the boy out of reach.

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth cackled. "This is perfect. With Adrien as my prisoner, I just have to wait and see if Chat Noir is a no-show. Then I'll finally know."

_Will you?_

He whipped around again. No one was there. He covered his ears and hummed.

_Back in the fight:_

Gorizilla attacked, barely missing Ladybug with his muscular fists. The building quivered with every punch. When Ladybug had enough breathing room, she yelled, "Lucky Charm!" and a polka-dotted toy helicopter dropped into her hands.

Without thinking, she chucked the tiny piece of plastic. Gorizilla caught the toy, dropped it on the floor, and stomped on it.

"Come on!" Ladybug wailed. "How about a banana filled with gorilla tranq or something actually useful?!"

Immediately, she was captured by Gorizilla!

Hawkmoth stared, "Oh my Astruc, this was the easiest win ever! I should've done giant ape from the beginning! Gorizilla, take her Miraculous!"

Grinning like a maniac, Gorizilla reached out and banged his two fists together. The Akuma looked dumbly from the fist occupied by Adrien to the fist occupied by Ladybug. He banged his fists together again and again like Rose trying to force the square peg in the round hole.

"For the love of—You have hands for feet!" Hawkmoth cried.

"Oook?"

Gorizilla looked down and saw an extra pair of hands attached to his furry legs. He sat and reached a hand-foot towards Ladybug's ears...

"Massive monkey, ape, and/or gorilla identified," beeped a mechanical voice behind him. "Proceeding to terminate _with prejudice_."

Gorizilla turned in time to see a helicopter transformer on a collision course just before one of its fists connected with his jaw. The metal titan's buzzsaw equipped arms pushed Gorizilla to the ground and dragged the ape across the floor.

"I AM HELI-CHOPPER! MY WINGSPAN IS 10 FEET, 3 INCHES!" the giant robot proclaimed. It lifted Gorizilla over its head and grimaced at the remains of the decimated toy helicopter it had been too late to save, "And I show no mercy."

Heli-Chopper slammed Gorizilla's spine on the roof's edge and proceeded to pummel the Akuma's face. The pain was too much and Adrien slipped from Gorizilla's grip. The boy fell off the roof.

"Adrien!" Ladybug screamed, still trapped.

"NO!" Hawkmoth roared. "Quick, let Ladybug g—"

_Don't._

Finishing the order suddenly became impossible. "N-Nooroo," he barely croaked through his constricted throat. "What are you—"

_It's the only way to know if he's Chat Noir._

He fell to his knees. "B-But—"

_If I'm wrong, you can clone another._

Hawkmoth readied to bash his own head with his cane, but his fingers abruptly cramped and dropped the weapon.

_Now, now, no need for that. Just sit back and be quiet for a few more secon—_

WHACK!

The crack to his skull freed Hawkmoth. He briefly looked over his shoulder to see Nathalie standing over him with his cane!

"Release Ladybug!" he shouted.

On the other side of Paris, the barely clinging to consciousness Gorizilla's hand sprung open. The polka-dotted heroine ran down the side of the building and lassoed Adrien. With every ounce of her superstrength, she wrenched the boy up to her and into her safe arms. They stopped falling inches from the deadly ground, literally floating on air.

"Ha," Adrien chuckled. "Still bullsh—I mean, wow! How did we suddenly stop falling?"

"Oh, you know," Ladybug smoldered and tousled a lock of his hair. "Just luck, hot stuff."

Adrien's hormones realized whose boobs his face was being pressed between and he covered his crotch.

_Back in the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth let out a huge breath of relief. "Thank you, Nathalie. If it weren't for you—"

WHACK!

Nooroo spoke, "Hahahah! Yes, I am in control aga—"

WHACK!

Hawkmoth rubbed his sore head. "Ow, okay, you can stop, Nath—"

WHACK!

Nooroo glared, " I command you, human, to stop—"

WHACK!

Hawkmoth stepped out of her swinging range, "Nathalie, is Duusu controlling you again?"

_("Hoohoohoo! I love a good piñata! Harder! I wanna see what kinda candy is inside!") _Duusu instructed its puppet.

As that sitcom special unfolded, Ladybug and Adrien were dealing with their own problems. Gorizilla crashed into the streets, wrestling with Heli-Chopper.

Ladybug shuddered in ecstasy at the sight of a real giant robot battle. "As awesome as this is," she said, biting her lip, "I gotta get you to safety."

She picked up Adrien and carried the boy deeper into the city.

Gorizilla temporarily got the upper hand and tossed Heli-Chopper aside. He sniffed the air, searching for Adrien's scent.

"Yo, big guy!" a small voice shouted.

He looked down and spied a boy dressed nearly identical to Adrien. Gorizilla picked him up and gave him a sniff just to make sure it wasn't his target.

"That's it, take a deep whiff." The super-fan pulled out a bottle of Adrien Fragrance and sprayed it at the Akuma!

_FWOOOSH!_

With a single spritz, Gorizilla's face was on fire! The Akuma dropped the boy and frantically tried to extinguish himself. No matter how much he slapped at the flames or stopped-dropped-and-rolled, he wouldn't stop burning. The giant burning ape roared and kept rolling blindly down the street like an incendiary bowling ball.

"How the fuck…?" the super-fan whispered and then looked at the dangerous cologne bottle in his hands.

The label read: _WARNING! FOR HUMAN USE ONLY! DO NOT USE ON ANIMALS! THEY WILL DIE!_

_ Later: _

Adrien did his best not to swoon as the girl of his dreams carried him through the sky.

"So..." he said sheepishly, "I'm guessing you need Chat Noir's help to take this Akuma down."

The heroine landed on a rooftop and leaned so close with her hypnotic gaze that he could smell her popcorn breath. "What's the rush, hot stuff? Am I not enough hero for you?"

"N-No, you're great! I was just thinking you might need a distraction and, since the Akuma is after me, I could be bait—"

"Bait?" Ladybug clutched the boy even tighter, "Who said I'm ever letting you out of my sight?"

Adrien's eyes widened as Ladybug's silky arms suddenly felt like the inescapable prison walls of his house. He carefully tried to climb out of her hold but found her grip to be stronger than steel.

"Kidding," she growled like a lion protecting its cubs.

Adrien squeaked, feeling equal parts frightened and aroused.

"Besides, bait is what Chat Noir is for." She slid open her yo-yo and dialed.

Plagg vibrated like a cellphone under Adrien's shirt and the boy quickly slapped the Kwami.

"Damn, straight to voicemail." Ladybug hung up and examined their surroundings. An idea began to form. "You really want to help, hot stuff?"

Adrien nodded.

_Later, at an underground subway station:_

Ladybug finished twisting an uprooted lamppost into a spear and gave the makeshift weapon to Adrien. "Use this to keep yourself safe. I'll be just downstairs if you need me."

The boy nearly toppled under the lamppost's weight. "Yeah, but I'm sure there's no need to worry. Chat Noir will get here in time, right?"

Ladybug froze. "S-Sure..." She suddenly looked pale. "I, uh, trust him." And now she looked like she was going to be sick. "Oh Astruc… Saying it out loud feels so wrong…"

As Ladybug shambled underground like a plague victim marching towards her own grave, Adrien's eyes twinkled with pride and he punched the air in victory. "Woo! She trusts me!"

"ADRIEN!" a desperate voice cried from behind. It was the super-fan, speeding towards him on a bike, in his arms was the Adrien cardboard cut-out.

Adrien tossed the spear aside and smiled. "Perfect."

_ Later: _

The super-fan, his true identity now concealed completely by the motorcycle helmet and the cardboard cutout's face, ran around, making noise and setting off car alarms. "Over here! It is I, Adrien Agreste, the sexiest boy to ever walk the face of the Earth! My blood type is O negative! I often sleep on my stomach! I also don't check if someone is spying on me through my window while I'm changing my pants!"

Gorizilla, still smoking and burning in a few places, stomped into the street. He reached out to grab his target but then a battle staff smacked his hand!

"Hey, big guy," Chat Noir called from a rooftop, "how about you pick on somebody your own size?"

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth gasped! "Adrien and Chat Noir side by side! Nooroo was wrong! Hooray! Isn't that great news, Nathalie?"

The possessed woman he was currently in a tug-of-war match with over his cane said nothing and kicked his shin.

"OW!"

_Back in the battle:_

Gorizilla tried to squish Chat Noir over and over with his huge hands. Every time, Chat Noir leaped out of the way, slowly leading the Akuma to the spot Ladybug had specified in the plan.

"That's it, come on, just a bit further," he egged on, eager to prove his worth to his Lady. At last, Gorizilla reached his mark. Chat Noir slid between his giant furry legs and yelled, "Cataclysm!"

He slammed his hand against the ground and a block's worth of concrete cracked as if it had been struck by an earthquake! The weakened ground made Gorizilla wobble… and step on the lamppost spear.

"OOOK!"

Gorizilla hopped around, gripping his skewered hand-foot in pain! Every hop landed the Akuma just on the edge of the trap.

"No! Go left!" Chat Noir cried, attempting to shepherd the Akuma back into place. "Your other left! No, right! Back! Dammit, will you stop!"

_ Underground: _

Ladybug stared at the cracked and rumbling but still whole ceiling.

"Y'up," she said. "He fucked up."

_Above ground:_

Chat Noir held out his staff like he intended to trip the flailing 100-foot gorilla. Somehow, his staff got skewered through the other hand-foot.

"OOOK!"

Gorizilla grabbed both hand-feet and fell butt-first through the cracked ground, pinning the Akuma in place. The dust settled and there wasn't a sound.

"I did it?" Chat Noir whispered.

"He did it?" Ladybug raised an eyebrow at the ape-pants before her.

"I did it!" Chat Noir cheered. "I beat an Akuma all on my own—"

Gorizilla punched Chat Noir through a building. "Oook." Then Heli-Chopper swooped in and resumed pummeling his face.

"Huh," Ladybug said, not aware of what was happening on the surface. "Well, what do you know, Chat Noir might actually have what it takes to be a superhero, after all." She climbed up the Akuma until she reached his pockets, found the lucky charm, and broke it.

Ladybug de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

All of the buildings were rebuilt.

The theater's roof was replaced.

Gorizilla was pulled out of the ground and transformed back into Ape-Man.

Heli-Chopper nodded with approval. "Massive monkey, ape, and/or gorilla terminated. Mission complete." And it flew off to parts unknown to continue its neverending quest to vanquish oversized primates.

_Back in the tower:_

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Hawkmoth shouted.

_("Bahaha! That never gets old,")_ Duusu laughed and then lost the wheel. _("Dammit!")_

Nathalie blinked and looked blankly at her surroundings. "What? Huh? What was I doing?" She then saw Gabriel sprawled on the floor while she straddled his belly like he was a horse. Her arms held his cane over her head like a knife.

"Oh thank Astruc, Nathalie, you're back!" Hawkmoth breathed easy. "Duusu took control and made you attack me—"

WHACK!

"Ow!" Nooroo whined. "What the hell?!"

WHACK!

"Nathalie, what are you doing?!" Hawkmoth demanded. "I thought I freed you."

"You did," Nathalie hissed, fire burning in her eyes. "But I was already coming up here before I got possessed to beat some sense into you. Go apologize to Adrien!"

"What?! But he's the one who ran away—"

WHACK!

"Just do what she says!" Nooroo sobbed.

WHACK!

"Alright, alright, fine! Stop it!" Hawkmoth quickly de-transformed and scuttled out of the hidden tower. Now alone, Nathalie tapped her foot in annoyance.

_("See, Nat, all you had to do was show some backbone.")_

"Shut up! You tricked me!"

_("Tricked you into becoming my puppet, gave you more self-confidence to tell Gabe to get off his lazy ass and fix his mess, same thing.")_

Nathalie kept tapping her foot.

_("You liked being on top of him, didn't you?")_

"I SAID SHUT UP!"

_On the streets:_

Ladybug spotted her _Adrien_ coming out of the subway. "Are you okay, hot st—"

Chat Noir blocked her from getting any closer. "He's fine. Not a scratch. No need to worry about him. You should probably head out before you transform back—"

She punched him through a building and sprinted to the boy. She picked him up, examining every square inch for injuries

"Anything broken? Do you need medical assistance? Back massage? Mouth to mouth? Share body heat in the nude—" She stopped and stared at his face inside the motorcycle helmet. It was more… _cardboard-y_ than she remembered. Suspicion crept in. Something was off. Her nostrils flared and she sniffed him like a dog. His comforting, familiar, cheesy scent filled her head. Y'up, this was Adrien.

"Are you sure you're okay, hot stuff?" she asked.

Adrien gave a double thumbs-up.

"Alright, you give me a call when you want to do this again. I could always use a sidekick who is also scrumptious." She gave him a spank for a job well done and swung away.

Once she was gone, Adrien jogged across the street and knocked on a door. It opened to reveal Adrien!

"That was so awesome!" the super-fan shouted and removed his disguise. "For a whole three minutes, I was you! I was Adrien! Even Ladybug was fooled! The transformation was complete!"

"Great job," Adrien said. "Sorry for asking you to put yourself in danger like that. You must think I'm a coward."

"Are you kidding me? This was the greatest day of my life! I never wanted it to end! In fact..." The super-fan's eyes became cold as he slipped the Adrien disguise back on, "...it never has to end if I kill you."

"Hahah! Very funny." Adrien waited for the super-fan to end the joke.

He didn't.

"I can be Adrien forever and ever and ever and ever..." The super-fan kept saying "and ever" as he slowly approached, hands reaching for Adrien's throat.

_THWACK!_

Ape-Man stood over the unconscious super-fan, finishing what had looked like a powerful, spine-breaking pirouette. He wordlessly picked up Adrien like a suitcase and put him into the backseat of the Agreste's backup limo. The vehicle buoyed to the side as Ape-Man climbed into the driver's seat. He didn't start the engine, he didn't drive. For a while, the bodyguard simply sat there and watched the road.

Silence was what Adrien was used to, but today it felt heavy with guilt. His bodyguard had been akumatized, which meant today had put a lot of stress on him, all because of Adrien and his selfishness. The boy buried his desire to claim that he wasn't a kid who needed protection and instead prepared his apology and he—

"You need to stop running away."

—couldn't make a sound because he was too busy gawking at Ape-Man. Those were more words than Adrien had ever heard his bodyguard speak in the last five years.

"I know what you're thinking and you're right, you're not a kid, but you're not an adult either. You're a teenager. It's a super-confusing time. But the fact is you can't run away from your problems. Sure, you can put an entire world between you and your problems, but they'll haunt you. There won't be a night that goes by where you don't think about them." Ape-Man took a moment to look over his shoulder at the boy. His gaze was gentle and kind. "The good news is you have friends now and they'll be there for you, to help you, to catch you if you fall, but you can't keep hiding behind them, Adrien. You need to face your problems."

Adrien's gawking reached gobsmacking levels.

"If you need to get out of the house, need to be with your friends, need to have fun, I'll be there. I'll take you. But you can't run away anymore. Your Father is hurt. He doesn't show it, but he is hurt. He's lost just as much as you but, unlike you, he doesn't have any friends to catch him. He needs his son. Please, help him."

Ape-Man sat there a little while longer and then started the limo.

Adrien's mouth hung open the entire ride home.

_Later in Adrien's Room:_

Father was waiting for him in front of his TV.

"Sit down, Adrien," the man said.

The boy obeyed, ready to take whatever punishment was waiting. His Father raised the remote and pressed play. Familiar piano chords came out of the speakers and the black and white image of Notre Dame appeared. Adrien couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was _SOLITUDE._

"All you had to do was ask, son."

"I tried, Father, but you wouldn't listen," Adrien sniffled. "In fact, you're always so busy that I feel like you never want to talk at all."

"I know and I'm sorry." He took Adrien's hand. "You have to trust me when I say this, Adrien. I will always make time for you. Trust is the foundation of family. I trust you, Adrien."

Adrien smiled and squeezed his hand. "And I trust you, Father."

"Cool, just need to double-check something real quick, are you Chat Noir?"

Adrien hesitated. "...No…?"

"Great! That's all the proof I need. Further investigation is completely unnecessary. See how much easier life is when we trust each other implicitly? I'm not Hawkmoth, in case I haven't told you." He crossed Adrien's name off the Chat Noir Suspect List with a mental sharpie and gave Adrien a bowl of popcorn, a bottle of hand moisturizer, and a box of tissues. "Now, why don't we have a little Father-Son time with the time-honored tradition, according to the internet, of watching a porno together."

The sexy sax music started.

"By the way, your mother was a pornstar."

"WHAT?!"

END

_Oh dear god, what have I done?_


	8. 8 Frozen 3: Olaf Stays Dead This Time

_WHO'S READY TO SEE THE INNER WORKINGS OF A BOY FREAKING OUT ABOUT GIRLS?_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_NO, SERIOUSLY, WHO ARE YOU? HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?_

_{The better question is why haven't you hung up yet...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 8: Frozen 3: Olaf Stays Dead This Time  
_By: I Write Big

People have a hard time with _no_.

When they're pursuing someone they desire with all their heart, _no_ is barely a hurdle for them. Sometimes this relentlessness is considered romantic, other times it requires a Restraining Order. Eventually, though, right about when the baseball bat comes out, _no_ works.

And it changes everything.

"Next time, just use a scooter like everyone else," Ladybug told the hang-gliding flower delivery man they had just rescued from a deadly crash into a wood chipper.

"And don't forget these." Chat Noir handed the man the bouquet of roses he'd dropped.

"Thanks again, Ladybug and Chat Noir!" The delivery man jumped off the roof and hang-glided away. "I learned nothing! Witness me!" He immediately crashed and burned.

"And Natural Selection claims another," Ladybug sighed and turned to leave—

—and walked right into Chat Noir who was on one knee and offering her a rose he'd plucked from the bouquet.

"_Fur_ you, M'Lady," he said with a heavy eyebrow waggle.

"For Astruc's sake," she grumbled. "Chat, I already told you, you're wasting your time."

"That's the thing! Your feelings don't have to change!" Chat Noir got to his feet, eager as can be. "I know for a fact, in this _meow_-ment, that you actually like me!"

"Keep it down!" She covered his mouth and double-checked there weren't any prying ears or news reporters—or, Astruc forbid, Alya—nearby. "I never said like. _Like_ is a strong word. Tolerate would be more accurate," she hissed. "You're more of a plumber or a mailman. You know, someone who is necessary and can get the job done but whose sexual advances I've learned to ignore. There's a boy I love already."

"I know you do!" He grinned at the Adrien Fragrance billboard next to them and prepared to de-transform. "That's what I'm trying to tell you! I'm Adr—"

"Give it rest, Chat!" she shouted over him. "I tried being mean. That didn't work. I tried being nice. That was a mistake and now you think you have a chance. Well, you don't! There's not a thing you could say or do to win me over! NOTHING! Because, no matter what, you are an immature, pun-spewing, pervert who can't let go of the first pretty girl he saw! There are nearly four billion girls on this planet! Pick one and move on!"

Ladybug swung away.

Chat Noir stood there, speechless, alone, burnt.

"Daaaaamn!" the black-eyed and bleeding delivery man hang-glided by. "You need some ice for that burn? Hahaha—"

He crashed and exploded.

_Later, at school:_

Depressed and unable to stop looking at the floor, Adrien dragged himself out of the locker room and joined the rest of the Fencing Club. He took his position opposite Kagami and raised his sword.

"Allez!" Mr. D'Argencourt ordered.

_One Bloodbath Later:_

"You are unfocused, Friend Adrien. In my family, this lack of commitment would've been punished with a thousand lashes and no sushi for a month," Kagami said in her normal flat monotone as the doctor popped the boy's arm back in its socket. "Is this the 'let friends win' I have heard about?"

"No, it's not that," he sighed. It didn't matter to him that his stomach had been cut open or that his foot was pointing the wrong way or that he was in an excruciating amount of pain. None of it hurt more than his broken heart. Ladybug loved him but not Chat Noir, and what was Chat Noir but the free-spirit he kept hidden while under his Father's strict supervision. He pulled the rejected rose from his bag and watched the petals slowly lose their luster.

"Then what is it?"

"Kagami, do you ever feel stuck?" he asked. "That, no matter what you do, nothing will change? Like, you're trapped in a kid's TV show that uses the same formula in every single episode or a parody of a kid's TV show that uses the same formula in every single episode or a fanfic of a parody of a kid's TV show that uses the same formula in every single episode?"

Kagami glanced through the remains of the broken 4th wall at you, the reader, to make sure you got the joke. Then she took a seat next to the boy.

"Do friends give friends advice?" she asked carefully.

"Yes."

"Then as a friend, I shall advise. Have you tried other weapons?"

Adrien stared. "That's… not an option."

"What about poison?"

Adrien blinked.

"I see. Your defeat has brought shame on the Agreste House and you must commit seppuku to restore your family's honor." She pulled a katana out of her locker, wiped off the blood already on the blade, and presented it to him with a solemn bow. "Please, Friend Adrien, use my blade."

"Kagami..." Adrien gently pushed the dangerous weapon away, "this is a relationship problem, not a battle."

"Every relationship is a battle, Friend Adrien. I often battle with the urge to rid the world of you during our duels." She sheathed her sword. "As such, I shall give you the same advice my okaa-san gives me when I'm stuck on my math homework. When one faces an enemy they cannot slay, it is a mistake to keep fighting. Change targets and come back to the long division later."

The words mulled around in Adrien's head. As strange as they were, their message made sense. He'd done everything he could to gain Ladybug's love and nothing had worked. Maybe… it was time to move on. He considered the rose again and came to a decision.

He gave the flower to Kagami.

She stared at the gift, not showing the least bit of surprise or any other emotion. "You wish to mate with me?"

"WHOA!" Adrien threw his hands up. "That's, uh—I didn't mean—you and I—"

"I shall consider your proposal." She gathered her things and left. "Good day, Friend Adrien."

Adrien sat there, not sure what just happened.

"SCORE! Easiest lay ever!" Plagg jumped out and began to do his Gonna Get Some dance in the air. "I can't believe how much time we wasted chasing Ladybug when there was a girl ready and willing to hook up right here! She's a keeper, man. Make her happy."

"But-But-But we haven't even gone out yet and—"

"No! You're complicating things with facts! None of that crap! She's offering! Take it!"

"She's not offering. Kagami said she'd _consider _it."

"That's as close to yes as you can get with a teenage girl! Ooh, I forgot she's Japanese! They're into some real kinky stuff! I'm talking clamps, kitty ears, tentacles! _Lots_ of tentacles! You need to prepare! When was the last time you shaved your balls?"

Adrien shoved Plagg back into his bag, looking as wide-eyed and pale with terror as a child facing a tsunami. "Y'up!" he said to no one in a trembling voice. "I should take her out on a date and show her a good time first. It's the gentlemanly thing to do."

"Noooooo!" Plagg wailed.

Adrien marched out of the school on shaky legs, his vivid imagination crafting hundreds of scenarios for their first date and definitely nothing that involved him, Kagami, and a bedroom. And in his heart, a seed of magical sushi-flavored ice cream took root.

_Later, in the limo:_

Adrien twiddled his thumbs like a madman in the backseat. He had no clue what he was going to do. Sure, he and Ladybug had kissed once but that was as far as he'd gotten with any girl. No dates, no experience, no nothing. What was the proper procedure? As the man, does he suggest the location? Considering it was Kagami, should he come armed?

He turned to Ape-Man. "Can I ask you something about girls?"

Ape-Man silently raised the limo's soundproof divider window and pretended he didn't hear that.

_Later, at the dinner table:_

Adrien's legs kept bouncing. "Nathalie, can I ask you something about girls?"

"Kill Gabriel Agreste…" she moaned and then took the boy's empty plate to the kitchen.

"You're right, I should ask Father."

_Later, in Gabriel's office:_

"Father—"

"What has become of me?!" his Father sobbed, pounding his fists against the portrait of his mother. "All this pain and suffering, and for what? Love? I'm a monster! A MONSTER!"

Adrien slowly backed out of the room.

_The next day:_

Adrien was even more on edge today. He'd been having a hard time sleeping ever since he watched _SOLITUDE_ with Father. Not only because it was the strangest, most traumatizing 120 minutes of his life where he'd fought desperately not to get an erection that was currently filed under Repress Under Any Circumstances in the deepest trenches of his subconscious, but also because looking at porn had become as nerve-wracking as playing Russian Roulette. Knowing that he could stumble across his precious Mother at any click was a real turn off. And when a torrenting maelstrom of hormones loses its ability to vent, the pressure only builds and builds. Now every time his mind crept back to that black and white film, it was Kagami naked under that umbrella, twirling that rose between her fingers while a tentacle squirmed over her bare shoulder. The image made him tremble in a way that he wasn't quite sure was good or bad. Whatever it was, it wouldn't go away and it was driving him nuts. The situation wasn't helped by the many loving couples who seemed to fill the school this morning.

He saw Ivan with Mylene.

"Throw me higher, Ivan!"

"Hahaha! Ivan catch!"

Rose with Juleka.

"I got this for you, Juleka," Rose gave her a wooden duck possessed by a poltergeist. "Since I know you like duckies and things that are super-unilateral."

"Supernatural," Juleka corrected. The wooden duck quacked and began attacking students left and right with writhing tendrils. "Thanks, I guess," she sighed and patted Rose's head. Rose upgraded the pat to a hug. Juleka smiled.

Alya with Nino.

"This is working out, right?" Alya asked, sounding desperate. "This is a healthy relationship, _right_? We're totally working out, _RIGHT?!_"

"Yeah!" Nino agreed but didn't sound so confident in his hot pink jeans.

Nathanial with Marc.

"Wait, we're a couple?" Nathaniel asked. "I think we skipped your episode, Marc."

"WE DID?! BUT I'M PROOF THAT THIS SHOW IS WOKE!"

So much love in one building and here Adrien was, unable to admit to any of them that he needed help. If only there was someone as single and clueless about dating as him…

_WHAM!_

Adrien spun around and found Marinette had been the one who stumbled into him.

"Marinette!" he said. "You're single and know about girls, right? You're perfect!"

Marinette nearly dropped her backpack all over again as she went totally dopey-eyed. "...You think I'm perfect?"

"I need help, please!" he begged. "I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm driving straight off a cliff!"

"Anything for you," she sighed dreamily, completely on cloud nine.

"Thank you!" Adrien led her to a bench that was far from the rest of their classmates. "Okay," he whispered. "It's about a girl."

Immediately, Marinette's joy morphed to anger. "A girl?"

"Yeah, we see each other all the time and we've always been just friends, until recently..."

Marinette's nails sharpened to claws, her teeth ground until sparks began to fly, Tikki readied to flee. "Recently?"

"Now, I think I'm starting to see her differently." He put a hand over his heart where those ice cream roots had grown strong and healthy. "You know what I'm talking about?"

"Yes… the _whore_ from your Valentine's Day poem..." Marinette ripped a stake of wood from the bench and kept her forced smile going. "You never did tell me her name or where she lived or the easiest points of entry into her bedroom where one might break in and slit her throat while she slept."

"No, I'm not talking about her," Adrien said, gazing into the sky with a lovesick smile. "This is someone completely different. She's special, very pretty. She's got dark silky hair…"

The would-be murder weapon slipped from Marinette's claws. She touched her dark hair and was surprised at how _silky_ it felt.

"...deep and mysterious eyes..."

Marinette flushed at the compliment, "I-I-I mean, deep and mysterious? Heeheehee, I wouldn't—If you say so—Your eyes are pretty too—"

"I always saw this girl as a friend, but now things are changing."

Marinette's weak heart went off like a firecracker! This was it! Adrien was confessing his feelings to her and it was every bit as romantic as she had hoped! She threw her arms wide open, ready to wrap herself around her Adrien and spend the rest of their lives together!

"And that's why I'm gonna ask out Kagami," Adrien concluded.

Marinette's eye spasmed. "...Ka...ga...mi…?"

Everything went black.

"...Marinette…? Marinette…? Marinette…?"

A hand touched her shoulder. She gasped back to life. "Huh?! What?" Marinette looked frantically around. She was still sitting on the bench next to Adrien. "What happened?"

"Uh, we were talking, and then you made that…" he pointed ahead of them where a three-story-tall effigy of a certain Japanese girl made out of several stolen cars burned. "And you never answered my question about what I should do about Kagami."

"Concrete shoes," she growled. "The Seine is deeper than you think."

"What?"

"U-Uh, I said ice rink! You should take her to the ice rink!"

"The ice rink?" Adrien stroked his chin at the idea. "Maybe… but I think I'd be too shy to take her there by myself."

"I'LL COME WITH YOU!" she screamed.

"You will?" Adrien asked eagerly.

"Yes." Her smile was one-part genuine friend, two-parts ax-murderer. "You need all the emotional support you can get. Especially if Kagami happens to meet an unfortunate end… Ice skates are _very _sharp, you know..."

"You are so helpful, Marinette." Adrien got up, now sure he could face anything. "I can't wait to see you there with your date."

The girl waved mechanically at her departing Adrien as she plotted how best to run over Kagami with a Zamboni. Then it clicked.

"Did he say, 'my date?'"

"Y'up," Tikki smirked from her purse.

"He expects me to come with another boy?"

"Y'up."

"But I don't like any other boys!"

"Yes, you do."

Marinette's eyes widened. "Oh no..."

_Later, on the Couffaine houseboat:_

"Miss Dupain-Cheng, salutations!" Luka cheered as Marinette came aboard. "It's so lovely to see you again. You're just in time to try the _Liberty's_ new toilet. It's so much fun! You can flush anything down there!"

Marinette whimpered as she found his childish fascination with the mundane even more adorable than before. "Just eat him, Tikki, please."

"Not hungry," the Kwami shrugged maliciously.

"And have you heard of these marvelous devices called rubber bands, Miss?" Luka pulled out several boxes of the office supply. "I've started a collection! I have beige rubber bands, pink rubber bands, yellow rubber bands, rubber band balls, green rubber bands, orange rubber bands—Ooh! Ladybug-themed rubber bands, these are my favorite—"

"Hey, that's great, heh heh," she nervously jumped in. "You're probably too busy with school to do anything tomorrow, right?"

"Haha! School? Hardly! I possess an encyclopedic knowledge of the entire internet, Miss. I earned my general education diploma over a month ago."

"So… completely open?"

"Absolutely!"

Marinette groaned. "Great..."

* * *

_The next day, at the Agreste Manor:_

Adrien tiptoed his way to the front door, his bag of ice skating equipment slung over his shoulder. There was no one to be seen. The coast was clear. Without making a peep, he stepped over the squeaky floorboard he knew was right next to the exit and quietly opened the door. He stepped outside, closed the door, and walked right into Ape-Man.

"AAAAH! I wasn't running away!"

Ape-Man said nothing.

"I was just, you know, getting some fresh air."

Ape-Man silently glanced at Adrien's bag.

"Oh this? This is nothing. I mean, I guess I was planning to leave the house but with Father's permission, of course."

Ape-Man said nothing.

"Which I haven't asked for yet like you said I should in that really, _really _jarring heart to heart we had a little while back. I should take care of that. Have you seen him?"

Ape-Man pointed a massive arm at the front yard. There was Gabriel Agreste, sunbathing on a lawn chair.

"Father?" Adrien sputtered. "What are you doing… _outside?_"

"Nathalie. Chair," the bazillionaire ordered. His secretary lifted the back of the lawn chair so he could look at Adrien and then she professionally picked up a gardening trowel and aimed it for Gabriel's throat. Mr. Agreste casually kept the murderous zombie-woman at a safe distance with a broom as he said, "Well, that big spring-lineup fashion show is coming and I need to re-acclimate my body to the sun if I'm going to attend. It's not going pleasantly." His Father fanned his face which was sizzling like a fried egg and pointed at Adrien's bag. "Where are you going?"

Adrien clutched the bag to his chest. "Oh, I, uh, I'm going to do some extra practice with one of the most advanced members of my Fencing Club." The ice skates fell out. His Father stared at them. Adrien began to sweat. "She's going to teach me how to fight with shoe daggers…?"

"Hmmm… Useful. I approve." His Father snapped his fingers and Ape-Man pulled out the limo keys and walked the boy to the car.

* * *

_Later, at the ice rink:_

"You can't take away my precious ice rink, Mayor!" a figure-skater named Philippe protested as he did an interpretive dance of fury on the ice. "I was born on the ice! Made love on the ice! Do my taxes on the ice! You can't close the rink down!"

"I'm not closing it down," Mayor Bourgeois argued. "We're renovating the space into a gym. It was my Chloe-kins idea."

_ Earlier: _

Chloe tapped a pencil against a paper labeled: _Is It Nice?_ "Would it be nice if I tore down that useless ice rink and put up a super cute gym, Jean-Paul?"

"That would entail destroying a place some people might hold dear, Mademoiselle," the butler said. "Therefore..."

Chloe thought long and hard.

"Imagine you enjoy ice skating, Mademoiselle. How would you feel if someone took the ice rink away?"

"Ummmm, uhhhhh, hmmmmmmmmm… Not happy."

"Which means…?"

"Nnnnnnnniiic—"

The butler squinted.

"Not nice…?"

"Correct!"

"Ha! This whole being nice thing is too easy." The girl proudly crumpled up the fake ice-rink-gym idea that had been randomly made up for the sake of the lesson and tossed it over her shoulder. The paper ball flew across the hotel and bonked against her daddikin's head. Since this was the normal way Chloe communicated her needs/demands to the man, her loving daddikins set off at once to tear down the ice rink.

_ Now: _

"Besides," Bourgeois continued, "you're the only one who ever uses this place. No one has signed up for an ice skating lesson this year. This place is a winter wasteland."

Philippe did a spin of torment, loosening a dramatic cry of pain. The mayor was right...

Or was he?

Philippe spotted four new faces entering the rink! "You're wrong, Mayor! Look! Skaters! Here to love the ice!"

"Alright, alright," the mayor relented. "If you can get even one new student within ten minutes, I'll postpone the demolition."

"Deal!"

Across the rink, the teens were getting ready to skate. Adrien sat in awkward silence, watching Kagami strap on her gloves. The girl hadn't said a word today, only accepting the skating invitation with her standard curt nod. Even though nothing had been established or changed, Adrien was convinced he was already blowing this. He scooted over to Marinette.

"Thanks again for coming, Marinette," he whispered. "So, what does a girl expect here? Should I… hold her hand?"

"BREAK HER LEGS!" Marinette seethed.

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Kagami is a fighter. You wanna impress her? Show her you are _not_ going to pamper her. Don't hold her hand! Don't even touch her! Treat her like garbage! Spit on her! Tell her she'd look prettier if she smiled more! Make sure she can never walk again—waawaaaWAAAA!" Mid-speech, Marinette had stood up on her skates and immediately lost her balance. The girl fell backward into the arms of Luka.

"Careful, Miss." The boy gently sat the girl down and tightened her skate's laces. "Ice skating is quite a hazardous hobby. It would be best if you held my hand until you got the basics."

Luka held out his hand and the part of Marinette's brain that allowed her to think straight shut down.

"...Help, I can't break free..." she whispered hollowly.

In a trance, she took that warm, kind, tender hand and was led out onto the ice.

Adrien considered Marinette's advice against what he had just witnessed. Holding hands seemed to work for Marinette but Kagami was indeed a fighter. He returned to Kagami and held out his hand.

"Did you… want to… hold my—"

"You do not know how to tie your shoes."

Adrien looked down at his untouched laces. "Uh—"

"I'll have to factor this new data into my consideration." Stiff and matter-of-factly, she tied his shoes and led him onto the ice.

_On the ice:_

Marinette stood tall and straight as a beanpole as Luka twirled and leaped and contorted and jackknifed and cannonballed and electric-slided around her effortlessly.

"How the fuck are you doing that?" she wheezed.

"I was in control of several Olympic-level figure skaters during my _robotomizing_ phase, Miss," he explained with a hint of shame. "Still not proud of that. However, my skills are nothing compared to the athleticism and creativity you display when you're saving the city as Ladybug."

Marinette tried her hardest to ignore the fluttering in her chest she felt from his praise and whispered down to Tikki, "He still knows I'm Ladybug, Tikki. Didn't you always say you'd eat anyone who found out?"

"Nah," Tikki waved off the idea, enjoying the show. "I trust him."

Marinette stifled another yell and stomped her foot which cost the girl her balance. Her arms flailed until Luka caught her again.

"You alright, Miss?" he asked, looking directly into her eyes.

Marinette pushed him away and banged her head against the nearest wall to make the fluffy thoughts of snuggling under a blanket with Luka while riding in the back of a horse-drawn carriage through a starlit winter paradise go away.

As she did this, Philippe approached with a stack of papers. "Young man! How about some ice skating lessons? The judges wouldn't be able to resist that sparkling smile of yours. I know this girl can't."

"Shut up!" Marinette yelled and kicked Philippe across the rink.

Luka tapped his chin in thought. "What did he mean by you not being able to resist—"

"Nothing!" She grabbed Luka and resumed skating angrily.

On the other side of the rink, Kagami raised a flat emotionless eyebrow at the other couple. "Did you invite Marinette and her potential mate because you were scared to be alone with me?" she asked Adrien.

The boy nearly fell. "No! Yes! Maybe! Marinette, help, I don't know how to be alone with a girl!"

"Friend Adrien, we are consistently alone together in fencing or when we study. This is no different."

"It's... It's not?" The concept struck him dumb. "So, you're saying going out with a girl is just like hanging out with her?"

"I don't know. I only learned the meaning of 'friend' a few weeks ago," Kagami said, still speaking in a flat monotone. "From my research, it seems courting is very similar to friending, only there are the occasional expressions of mutual attraction such as hand-holding, kissing, duels to first blood, as well as the eventual possibility of mating."

"I-I-I guess." Adrien cowered a little, as if not wanting to be heard. "But isn't that stuff kind of… you know… scary?"

"I am beyond terrified, Friend Adrien. Can't you tell?"

He looked at her: stoic, unreadable, and as blank as an empty page. "Not really, no."

"Hold on." Kagami checked something on her phone. Then she grabbed her face and molded her cheeks like clay, smushing her eyebrows, widening her eyes, and curling down the corners of her mouth until she resembled what some might call a caricature or an emoji of a frightened face. "Better?"

And as Adrien gazed at what Kagami was really feeling, he got his first true lesson on girls and with it a whole ton of crap suddenly made sense. Sometimes, girls could be just as clueless as boys. This revelation brought him more comfort than anything else in the entire world. "Then... if that's true, then… I should stop overthinking this and start having fun?"

Kagami let go of her face and it snapped back to perfect nothing. "I believe you taught me that friends were supposed to have fun together, so yes."

"Wanna play HORSE?"

"Sure. I'll go first." Kagami skated ahead and performed a flawless triple salchow. "Beat that or I shall carve the H into your skin with your own skate."

Then Philippe eagerly approached her. "You have the grace of a champion! With the right training, you could win every gold medal. Please, let me be your private coach."

"Is there a sword-fighting division of figure skating?" she asked.

"...No."

"Not interested."

Philippe stopped following the girl and came to a rest against the wall. The impatient Mayor was just on the other side. Philippe switched back to the other couple and focused on the girl currently being held over the blue boy's head. With her arms and legs spread wide, she looked like a soaring bird.

"Help!" Marinette screamed. "This is extremely metaphorical of my inability to control my emotions and it's terrifying!"

She came back down to Earth, landing in the arms of Luka. She stared back up at him, filling with more and more dread as the world around the boy faded into pretty pink clouds shaped like hearts.

"How about you, little lady?" Phillippe interrupted, freeing her from her hormone's clutches. "A couple hours a week with me and you'll be a star!"

"Ooh, that sounds fun, Miss," Luka said. "I'd be happy to join you in those classes—"

"NOOOO!" Marinette sped away at top speed.

Philippe jumped to Adrien. "Please! I'm begging you! One class! Just one! I'll lose the rink if you don't!"

"If it's money problems, I can help you there," Adrien readily agreed. "I could buy the rink from the city and give the deed to you—"

Kagami stepped in, "He's taken," and german suplexed Philippe. The man laid on the ice in an unresponsive heap of incorrectly-bent limbs. When she caught Adrien staring, she explained, "My research said females are supposed to protect against threats to their potential mates. I am a female and he was a potential threat. Should I finish him off?"

"No!" he quickly said and then carefully suggested, "Maybe tone it down a little and make sure they're an actual threat first?"

On the other side of the rink, the blindly fleeing Marinette ran out of ice and crashed face-first into the wall. Immediately, Luka and Adrien rushed to her aid.

"Marinette!"

"Are you quite alright, Miss?"

Both boys simultaneously offered their hands to the fallen girl…

…and Marinette malfunctioned.

It was the only explanation because, at that moment, Marinette could've sworn a tiny version of herself appeared in each boy's palm.

"Choose Adrien!" begged the Marinette on the right. "He was the first person to ever be kind to you and you know you can't live without smelling him every single day!"

"No, choose Luka!" ordered the Marinette on the left. "This maniac literally changed the Universe for you. What has Adrien done lately?"

"Are you for real?" Right gawked. "How about literally giving her the shirt off his back?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Left scoffed. "Did Adrien's shirt make Chloe realize she can be a decent person?"

"You can't give Luka credit for Chloe's choice!"

"Then you can't give Adrien credit for giving Marinette a reason to live!"

"Luka nearly robotomized the world!"

"Adrien nearly drove Marinette insane!"

"Wait," the real Marinette interrupted, "I'm not insane?"

"You're getting there," Left and Right said at the same time. Then they both morphed into horrific Beast-like abominations and roared at Marinette. Before the girl could scream, someone grabbed her hand and pulled Marinette to her feet. She shook the madness away and saw the rescuing hand belonged to… Kagami.

"You are not a threat," she simply said.

Kagami and Adrien skated away.

"Like that?" Kagami asked.

"Uh, you didn't have to say it out loud, but at least you didn't break her arm," Adrien replied. "Small victories, yay."

Marinette stood there, speechless, alone, burnt.

She felt like a rabbit who'd been cornered by a hunter, only for the hunter to let her go because she was too scrawny and pathetic. A waste of a shot. Kagami thought she was such a non-threat that she had the audacity to come up and say it to her face. Kagami thought Marinette didn't have the guts to fight for Adrien. Kagami thought Marinette would run and cry.

Kagami knew nothing.

"Challenge accepted," Marinette growled and cracked a stiff part of her neck.

"What was that, Miss?" Luka asked.

"Stay here and don't get in my way." Marinette headed for the ice rink's storage room, where she imagined plenty of sharp and dangerous objects waited.

_In the bleachers:_

"I'm sorry, Philippe, but the ice rink will be closed down tonight." Mayor Bourgeois tossed the blank class registration forms in the air and left. They rained over Philippe who sulked in failure, sadness… and _anger._

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man slathering aloe vera on his horrible sunburn.

"Ow! Ow! Ooh, ooh! Yes, yes… sweet relief. I am never going outside again." He unscrewed the bottle cap and dumped the contents on his body. "Mmmm, that's the stuff. Woo! Okay, let's get to work. And no interruptions this time, right, Nooroo?"

There was no response.

"Good."

Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

_Back at the ice rink:_

Marinette locked the door behind her and took stock of her arsenal. Buckets of chemical cleaners! Dozens of ice saws! And, as le piece de resistance, a big gassed-up Zamboni parked in the corner! They all had Kagami's name written on them… in blood.

"Look at what I found," Tikki sang, holding a roll of duck tape.

Marinette grabbed the tape along with several ice saws and approached the Zamboni to craft her masterpiece.

_Knock-knock-knock._

"Marinette?" Adrien's concerned voice sounded from behind the door.

The girl dropped everything.

"I saw you run off. Are you okay?"

"Yeah! I'm fine!" she squeaked back. "Just, uh, you should probably leave the building without Kagami before things get bloody—I mean, murdery—I mean… you should leave."

_Meanwhile:_

"Salutations! I am Luka Couffaine. You may call me Luka. I collect rubber bands."

Kagami squinted at the blue boy. "You might be a threat."

As this clash of minds went on, the black butterfly fluttered down to Philippe and shattered on his ice skates. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Sorry if this comes off as rude, but I have to be sure. Are you magic?" Hawkmoth asked.

"No," Philippe droned.

"Do you intend to turn the tables on me and take control?"

"No."

"If I grant you magical powers, are you only going to use them to spread non-thematic wanton chaos and destruction?"

"I mean… as long as ice is involved."

Hawkmoth smiled. "That's what I'm talking about."

Philippe was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into Jack Frost on ice skates. "Hahahahaha! Alright, Paris," Frozer cackled through his stuffed solid-ice nose, "it's time to _chill out._"

Hawkmoth sighed in relief, "Yes, that's more like it."

Frozer stomped his foot and a wave of magical energy erupted outwards. The wave crawled up the walls and down the halls, converting the entire building into ice! Adrien saw the magic coming and ran! The ice seeped into the storage room and Marinette climbed up on the Zamboni!

"Whoa! Is that ice?" Tikki said. "I guess it's time to try out Fu's Magic-arons. Give me the blue one."

Marinette stared blankly at the Kwami. "Magica-what?"

"Magic-arons. You know, the treats infused with magic that can give Ladybug special powers."

Marinette stared.

"They're in your purse."

Still not having a clue what Tikki was talking about, Marinette searched her bag and found a thin box filled with a stack of multi-colored macarons. "Where the hell did these come from?"

"What do you mean where? Fu made them using the recipe in the Miraculous Book. The potion needed tears so you had to punch him until he cried. Remember?"

Marinette stared.

"It was the day Paris was literally flooded by a siren Akuma stupidly named Syren. Hundreds drowned."

Marinette stared.

"It was about a week after your grandma visited and she pretended to kidnap you for your birthday and you discovered she was secretly a motorcycle gang leader/drug lord, which kind of fit why she was akumatized into a motor-head with an actual gun. Ringing any bells?"

"I don't remember any of that!"

"Too bad, it happened."

"I don't—When did—Huh?" Marinette grabbed at her head, going into a panic. "I feel like a huge chunk of my life has been scooped out! Why can't I remember? What's happening?!"

Tikki sighed. "Probably another side-effect of possession."

"WHAT?!"

"Panic later! Hero now!" Tikki grabbed the blue macaron and scarfed it down. In a flash of blinding light, Tikki's tail became shards of ice. "Brrrr, my ass is freezing. Come on, let's do this."

"But-but-but—"

Tikki slapped her. "Now!"

"Tikki, spots on."

Nothing happened.

Tikki groaned. "You call me Stalac-Tikki in this form, remember?"

"NO!"

Stalac-Tikki slapped her again.

"Stalac-Tikki, spots on," Marinette whimpered. In a flourish of red and new crystally sparkles, she transformed into a brand new figure-skater themed Ladybug, complete with ice skates and a pretty princess crown.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!"

_Later, in the city:_

Frozer skated down the cobblestone streets. Everywhere he went, the wave of blue magic followed in his wake, transforming the street and the people into solid ice.

The Akuma skated up to the top of the Eiffel Tower and proclaimed, "Ladybug and Chat Noir, come out and play! You'll make sparkling trophies for my winter palace! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" He spun in place and the ice magic spread through all of Paris!

"Ah, you see?" Hawkmoth nodded with approval. "Cartoony, campy, silly, teetering on the edge of ridiculous. Just as it should be—"

His lair was turned into ice. Hawkmoth immediately slipped and fell flat on his face.

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug nervously skidded across an ice-covered rooftop and observed the transformed city. Chat Noir joined her, also in a new figure-skater costume.

"Chat!" she exclaimed, never having felt so relieved to see the cat-boy. "Do you remember getting magic food for your Kwami a while back or the city flooding or a grandma Akuma with an actual fucking gun?!"

"Yes, I do, _Ladybug_," he replied with a huff and didn't even spare her a glance.

"L-Ladybug?" She was astonished at the sudden emotional distance between them. His stern and almost rude tone made him sound like a completely different person. "Oh my Astruc, did I also forget about the day you finally got it through your thick skull?"

"I took what you said a few days ago to heart and I have decided to, as you said, move on."

"Wow..." Ladybug blinked. "Screaming at my problems works yet again. I should do that more often. Anyway, Chat, something's up with my head. I'm missing weeks of mem—"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Chat Noir skated away, still rude, still refusing to look at her. "You go set up a trap or whatever, I'll track down the Akuma."

"Oh no… You are not… Are you seriously ignoring me out of spite right now?" Ladybug's wrench wound pulsed. "Only women are allowed to do that, you bastard!"

But he was already long gone.

_With Chat Noir:_

The hero flipped and skated down to the streets, muttering to himself, "I'll show her. I don't need Ladybug."

"But wishout Ladybug, how will you un'reeze the shity?" the muffled voice of a frozen solid pedestrian asked.

"Easy fix, citizen. There are plenty of hairdryers in the city, just like how there are plenty of girls in the world, including Kagami who actually appreciates me. Besides, I took down Gorizilla all on my own and he was giant. I can handle a little ice-man." Then Chat Noir spotted the distinct trail of ice skates in the street. "Aha! Gotcha! Good thing cats are natural-born trackers."

"You're shinking o' dogsh," the pedestrian pointed out. But Chat Noir ignored them and followed Frozer's tracks. If the pedestrian wasn't so busy trying to roll their eyes at the moment, they might have warned Chat Noir that he was going the wrong way.

_A few moments later, on the exact same street:_

Ladybug stomped her way through the ice, not caring who heard her. "Chat Noir, you stubborn, hairball-choking asshole! The one time I need you, _the one time_!"

"What a'out all shose osher timesh?" asked the same frozen pedestrian Chat Noir had left behind.

"Those don't count!" she shouted. "It's not like he's the only one who has a record of what's happened to me in the last few weeks. It's not like I _need_ him_._ Ugh!" She slid open her yo-yo and accessed the Ladyblog. "Holy crap! Yeah, grandma had a gun, wow! What is she selling to Rose? Is that crack?"

Entranced by what she was reading, Ladybug continued down the road.

_Seconds later, still in the same spot:_

Chat Noir came in the opposite direction, following the same tracks. "I'm getting close. I can feel it in my tail."

"You're losht!" the frozen pedestrian moaned.

"Hmmm, hold on, have I been here before?"

"Yesh!"

"No, I don't think so."

"Jusht work wish Ladybug!"

"According to my elite tracking skills, the Akuma went this way." Again, Chat Noir went the wrong way.

_A few more seconds later:_

Ladybug passed by, still laser-focused on the Ladyblog. She was starting to freak out. "That's my birthday. I had a birthday party. How did I forget my own birthday?!"

"Ugh!" the frozen pedestrian groaned. "You're losht too, mentally."

Ladybug kept wandering away. "And I'm dancing with Adrien again! Why can't I remember anything?!"

"Why won't shey jusht talk to each osher?!"

_Later, near the Eiffel Tower:_

Chat Noir discovered he had been following his own tracks for a while and gave up. He sat like a spoiled child in the middle of the frozen Seine. "I don't need Ladybug," he mumbled. "She doesn't need me so I don't need her."

"I WAS A MERMAID?!"

Chat Noir's four ears perked and he looked up at the Eiffel Tower. A very distressed Ladybug was wandering on the shore, glued to her yo-yo.

"Okay, calm down, so what if I was a _Mermaid_ Ladybug not too long ago and I could breathe underwater? It's not like—Are those—What am I wearing? Did I have gills? That's just… huh?! I can't even—WHAT?!"

As her mental breakdown continued, Chat Noir noticed Frozer was perched on the Eiffel Tower, snickering evilly at Ladybug. The heroine was too in her head. She had no idea she was about to be ambushed!

Frozer leaped down and skated full-speed at Ladybug! He performed a jump kick, his blade aimed for Ladybug's skull!

"Look out!" Chat Noir tackled her out of the way. The pair skated down the Seine, Frozer in cold pursuit!

"What's wrong with you, Ladybug?" Chat asked. "You're never this distracted."

"Chat, when Paris was flooded did I really wear a pair of starfish like a bikini top?"

"Yeah, and I wore a conch shell like a speedo. Why?"

Behind them, Frozer fired a volley of ice missiles from his skates. The heroes swerved and serpentined to dodge the attack.

"Because I can't remember!" Ladybug cried. "According to the Ladyblog and you, there are entire Akuma battles missing from my memory! It's freaking me out! Something's wrong with my head!"

"So, wait, you don't remember that Principal Damocles is actually a retired superhero called The Owl?"

"He was a hero? I thought he was another villain!"

"Or when Nadia Chamak interviewed us on live TV and blindsided us with footage of you kissing me to free me from Dark Cupid's control?"

"Someone was recording that?!"

"What about the kissing-zombie invasion where Rose got infected and was so scared that Juleka calmed her down by strapping herself into the backseat of the bus with Rose and promising she would never leave her side no matter what which escalated to Juleka confessing her feelings to Rose and while we escaped they shared their first kiss during which Rose turned into a zombie so she zombified Juleka too and it was like this whole tragic-love moment?"

"...Did you make that up?"

"No, they've been dating ever since. It's straight-up Shakespeare."

With a mighty jump, Frozer sailed over the duo and made it rain icicles on the heroes. They both spun their weapons into shields over their heads.

"You really can't remember any of that?" Chat asked.

"No!" Ladybug screamed. "And reading about what I can't understand on the internet is just making it scarier! I need—" She suddenly looked pale and abruptly stopped. Chat Noir nearly tumbled in the sudden halt. "Oh no..." she whispered. "Tikki will just lie to mess with me. You're the only one who remembers. That means…" Ladybug looked like she was going to puke. "I need—BLEGH!"

"What is it, Ladybug?" Chat Noir grabbed her. "What do you need? I'll get it!"

"I need—BLEEGH!"

"What? Say it, Ladybug!"

"I need—BLEEEGH!"

"Hoohoohoohoo!" Frozer sped straight towards the unmoving, vulnerable heroes, his ice-kick priming. "_Ice_ to meet you!"

Ladybug's eye twitched. "Lucky Charm!" She tossed up her yo-yo and down came a polka-dotted sack of salt. Immediately, she chucked it at Frozer. The sack broke on the Akuma and covered the villain in grains of white powder.

"No! Salt! My one weakness! I'm melting!" Frozer, the Akuma made entirely of living ice, began to liquefy into a puddle. "AH! What a world!"

"Chat Noir—BLEEEEEGH!" Ladybug grabbed the boy and braced herself. "I… need… you."

For a moment, for one glorious moment, nothing happened. Then those magical ice cream roots showed the first signs of withering and few even slipped off Adrien's heart.

"Oh, Bugaboo!" Chat Noir grinned the widest, goofiest grin he could muster and tears of joy rolled down his cheek. He hugged Ladybug tightly. "Of course I forgive you!"

"Get off me! That's not what I—Hey, hands off!"

"Don't worry, I'll talk you through everything you've forgotten. I promise you don't have to face this alone."

Ladybug stopped struggling and allowed herself to feel some relief. There was no doubt in her mind that what he said was true. "Okay, thanks, Chat. That's enough."

Chat didn't let go.

"I said enough."

Nope.

"ENOUGH!"

She punched Chat Noir across the river and he smashed through a frozen boat.

"Y'up, LB is crazy about me," he dizzily groaned.

Ladybug broke the ice skates in the Frozer puddle, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The entire city of Paris was unfrozen.

Hawkmoth's lair was unfrozen.

The Seine was unfrozen and Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Philippe fell into the water.

_Later, outside the ice rink:_

"Say cheese," Adrien said as he posed for a selfie with Philippe.

_KER-FLASH!_

"There you go. You sell that online and you'll have more than enough to buy the ice rink yourself."

"Thank you, Adrien!" Philippe said. "Now I never have to leave my precious ice rink! I can live here to the end of my days." Philippe hugged and kissed the building.

"Wow, he really likes ice," Adrien said.

Kagami appeared behind him. "I have made my decision about your mating proposal."

The boy nearly jumped out of his skin. He scooted Kagami towards his limo. With a quick peek inside the vehicle, he made sure all the soundproof windows were rolled up and Ape-Man was still watching Curious George. Adrien double-checked no one was on the sidewalk and, with a heavy, dry swallow, he whispered, "Listen, about that—"

"Genetically as well as financially speaking, you are ideal. Our offspring would no doubt be of the superior breed and health and their every need would be provided for by our combined inherited wealth. However, emotionally, you are still at the level of a ten-year-old. You rely on others who are more experienced than you to survive social encounters you are unfamiliar with, which seems to consist of all of them. Your subpar conversational skills suggest an ignorance of the outside world, most likely due to years of seclusion. Plus, you can't tie your shoes. In summation, as the Westerners say, you, Friend Adrien Agreste, are a mess."

With every word of negative criticism, Adrien shrunk lower and lower.

"Which is why I suppose I find you attractive," Kagami continued in her flat monotone.

Adrien sputtered, "Whaaa?!"

"When it comes to social interaction, I'm no better, Friend Adrien. I misunderstand easily, I communicate too bluntly, I often make others so uncomfortable they stop talking to me. You are the first person to stay and that means something to me. I'm not sure what it means, but it's very warm and centered mostly around my chest cavity. Therefore, in answer to your proposal, yes, I would like to mate with you."

Adrien's eye twitched. His pants got tighter. In his shirt, Plagg resumed his Gonna Get Some dance!

"I believe the proper response is: your place or mine?" Kagami concluded.

"See," Adrien wheezed, "I wish you hadn't said all that because I've decided to… switch back to my original target."

There was a deep, disquieting pause.

"I am offering to mate with you. Today. In the backseat of your car if you prefer. I don't care if your driver watches," Kagami clarified with the barest hint of confusion. "And you're saying no?"

"I appreciate the offer, I really do, you're wonderful—"

"Why does that make you even more attractive?"

Adrien didn't know how to respond to that.

And then Kagami kissed him, full on the lips. Fireworks of sushi and soy sauce exploded in Adrien's brain. And in his heart, the ice cream roots re-grew a little. Adrien _really_ didn't know how to respond to that. The petrified boy stood there, unresponsive, as Kagami's limo pulled up.

"I have decided to pursue the matter further," Kagami said, seemingly unaffected by their kiss.

"Hubidawha...?"

"When you have figured out your target is unbeatable, I will be waiting on the tallest mountain. Bring your sword." She climbed into her limo. A pair of ice skates flew across the sidewalk and embedded themselves blade-first into the car door just before Kagami was driven away.

Adrien snapped out his trance and called after the limo, "Wait! Did you mean my actual sword or my penis—and she's gone. Dammit."

A few feet away, a barefoot and furious Marinette with a few more claws and fangs than human anatomy would have you believe is natural, heaved deep rabid breaths.

Luka exited the building, all smiles. "This was such a stupendous day! The city was iced over, I practiced my skating skills and..." His enthusiasm slowed as he noticed the state Marinette was in and followed her fiery gaze to the stiff-legged Adrien as he was doing his best to get into his limo while keeping his crotch covered. An understanding smile spread across Luka's lips and he touched her shoulder.

"Miss?"

The claws retracted, the fangs disappeared. Marinette wasn't sure when she got outside or where her skates went, but what she was sure of was that she had never felt calmer in her entire life. Whatever was on her shoulder, it wrapped her in a serene blanket of care and comfort.

"You should probably go talk to him, Miss."

Marinette recognized the voice and realized who was touching her. She ran. "NOOOO!"

She wailed non-stop until she dove in front of the limo! The brakes screeched and the vehicle stopped just in time. The frantic girl ran to the side window and hesitated for just one second. In that second, ten billion five-hundred-sixty-three million nine-hundred-ninety-nine thousand three-hundred-and-twenty-one ways this could ruin everything infected her mind and demanded that she keep her mouth shut. She told all of them to go to hell.

"I LOVE YOU! EVEN IF YOU LOVE KAGAMI! I STILL LOVE YOU!"

The world stood still.

Marinette remembered she needed to breathe but forgot how that body function worked. Her own pale fear-stricken face stared back at her, reflected in the tinted glass. She had said it. Out loud. Was this a dream? She glanced down.

Tikki was gaping back up at her.

Definitely real.

The window slid open and Marinette came face to face with Jagged Stone. "Don't know who Kagami is, but I hear that all the time, luv. You're not the first to fall for me bloody gorgeousness," said the rockstar. "Here, have a t-shirt."

Marinette stood on the sidewalk with her new Jagged Stone merch and no shoes. Adrien's limo, the one she'd completely ran past, drove away.

"FUCK!"

END

_How do you deal with skipping episodes? Realize what kind of fucked up story you've been writing this whole time and make it a plot point, of course! What could go wrong?_


	9. 1st Missing Memory

_You thought there wouldn't be a mini-series, didn't you!_

_PS - Agent #3 just jumped in! Who am I to say no to a foursome?_

* * *

Memory 1  
**Oops**  
By: Chat Noir

Good day, M'Lady!

Since I cannot always be there to comfort you with my _paw_some (see what I did there?) self, I took the initiative to write up a few key points on some of the Akumas you can't remember. Hope this helps.

**Befana**

This was a crazy Akuma. Not only did she crash the surprise B-Day party of my number one fan (I was planning to give her the gift of making a personal appearance at her party and signing autographs), but she also had a real fucking gun! I mean, it shot candy that turned you into stone or a mindless angel slave but it was still a fucking gun!

I got there before you (I was in the neighborhood), and I was able to whisk my number one fan to safety like the hero that I am. She was so grateful, called me super strong, and even asked to feel my muscles before I left. While flattered, I had to deny her request. The only lady with muscle touching privileges is you, Bugaboo.

This was about where you joined the fight. We had this cat-tastic singing duet, you said we should sing together more often, and then the fighting started. However, it was a distraction. While Befana's angel army threw punches at us, Befana headed to the Eiffel Tower where I had hidden my number one fan! We raced to beat her there!

You were eager to get your hands on Befana's weapon. I'd never seen a girl drool over a gun before (You're so cute when you're hungry for violence). And you used your Lucky Charm to summon a tuba, which you ingeniously used to beat Befana over the head with until she lost consciousness. Always so clever.

My number one fan's party went off without a hitch after that. I made my surprise appearance. Everyone was super excited to see me (and they definitely didn't constantly ask why Ladybug wasn't there or why they only got the lame sidekick). Andre the ice cream man even showed up, gave me some sushi-flavored ice cream, and told me my heart was looking healthy (I didn't know he was a cardiologist). Y'up, everything went great. I don't know if you were there in your civilian form, LB, but if you were, I'm sure you had a great time, ate some delicious cake, and danced the night away (maybe even with me).

Side Note - My number one fan's grandma handed out this white powder she called "candy" and then had to quickly leave. She said something about the police being onto her. Should we be concerned?

**Dark Owl**

So, it turns out there's a bunch of superheroes and supervillains in Paris but they're all retired. When you discovered that, M'Lady, you were actually very relieved. You said something along the lines of "this not being forever." I'm not so happy myself. I think being a hero kicks major ass. I can't imagine retiring from being Chat Noir, but anyway, the Akuma!

Principal Damocles of my school—Sorry, my hand slipped. I meant to write, Principal Damocles of this school I've never heard of nor attended used to go around saving Paris as The Owl. He often faced this legion of villains called The Culinary Titans, which was led by The Baker and The Candlestick Maker, two of the most powerful and devious supervillains of the '90s. It was before the internet recorded everything but you can still find comics based on their adventures. They had some amazing battles (not as amazing as you). Anyway, Damocles was having a mid-life crisis, I think, and wanted to be The Owl again but he's so old that he couldn't save a cat from a tree. You and I had to save him!

Your plan to allow him to relive his glory days by faking a villain attack totally backfired (the villain costume you made was almost as beautiful as you). It wasn't your fault though. How were you supposed to know one of Damocles's arch enemies really was a villain called Cardboard Girl? Or that the real Cardboard Girl (it was this teacher named Miss Mendeleiev (never met her (her tests are way too hard))) would show up and slap us with a cease-and-desist order due to copyright infringement? No one could've seen that coming.

I guess the humiliation was too much for the poor guy because the next thing I know Damocles was akumatized into an evil version of his hero self and he's got that cat from the tree about to be crushed by a bus filled with zoo animals! Talk about a cat-tastrophy!

But it was all fake! Just bait to lure us into a trap. We got sealed in a shipping container that was slowly filling with whipped cream! The only way Dark Owl would spare us was if we handed over our Miraculous. I certainly did not get turned on by the sight of you covered in whipped cream which I was not in the least tempted to lick off of you (but if you're ever interested, I'm open to the idea) and calmly went along with your plan. A lot of Akumas forget how strong you are (not me) and you easily punched a hole through our prison. There was this crazy chase across the city back to his lair, during which I crashed into a sign and got knocked out. Sorry, my hand slipped again. What I meant to write was I smartly stayed behind in case we needed to make a surprise attack. But it was completely unnecessary. You defeated Dark Owl all on your own (you're so awesome).

The next day, a bunch of the retired supervillains (Fire Chief Cobra Commander, The Tax Collector, and even Cardboard Girl, The Baker, and The Candlestick Maker) all showed up and put on an old-fashioned super-fight against The Owl to remember the good old days. Now, The Owl is back to being a hero of the community, tending to gardens, handing out blankets to the homeless, feeding animals and stuff like that.

Seeing an old hero still fighting for what's right, LB, it sort of makes me wonder what we'll be like when we're old and married. Do 5,000-year-old Egyptians retire?

**Zombizou**

Gotta admit, this one kinda scared me (I don't think I'll be able to watch a zombie movie again). I wasn't there but this girl who may or may not be my childhood friend I practically grew up with (her name might be Chloe but I'm not sure) who has been trying really hard to be nicer had a relapse and angered my number one fan. I thought for sure she'd be akumatized, but somehow her teacher was instead. Evidently, this teacher has always been a bit... _forward_... with her students and the Akuma just took things to the extreme.

Now, personally, I have no problem with kissing girls. I love kissing girls. Not that I've kissed a lot of girls, you're the only girl for me, LB. But when a teacher goes around kissing students and turning them into kissing-zombies… I mean, that's just hot, right? Weirdly hot, right? It's not just me, right?

Anyway, I showed up right about when you had led a bunch of the Akuma's students to the roof of the school. By then, the kissing-zombie-virus had spread across the city (I heard later that the bazillionaire Gabriel Agreste got infected by his personal assistant). We got everyone on a bus and were planning to drive it to the Eiffel Tower when that whole Juleka-Rose backseat fiasco happened. You seemed really interested in that part so I'll attempt to retell what happened below to the best of my memory.

"She got kissed! Look!" somebody on the bus shouted. Rose flinched and followed the finger to her ankle. A single kissy lipstick print was there on her skin.

You called for everyone to calm down, M'Lady, but it was no use.

"Oh no, nonononono!" The scared girl desperately tried to rub it off, but the makeup was magic. The lipstick stayed like it was tattooed. "What do I do? What do I do? I don't wanna be a zombie! I don't wanna chase people around, trying to kiss them like some kind of refabricated pervert!"

"Resurrected," Juleka corrected. And then she shocked all of us by sitting next to Rose in the backseat of the bus and strapping both Rose and herself down with the seatbelts.

"Juleka, what are you doing?" Rose asked. "You can't be this close to me. I'll—"

"It's fine," she sighed.

"No, it's not fine. You need to get away from me. I'm conflagous!"

"Contagious," she corrected and sighed again. "You didn't give up when I told you to get away from me. I'm not giving up on you either."

And then, LB, the look she gave Rose, it was the look I imagine I make whenever I see you.

"When this is over, Rose," Juleka said, not sighing for the first time, "I want to give this a shot."

"Give what a—"

Juleka kissed her, LB! I wish you could remember this moment, Bugaboo, because it was every bit as heartwarming and sweet as I imagine our first kiss will be (Looking forward to that). At this point, our bus had arrived at the Eiffel Tower and we piled out, leaving the new couple alone.

And then Juleka banged on the window and yelled at us, "Help! Let me out! I thought I'd be into zombie-girls, but I was wrong! I WAS WRONG! LET ME OUT!"

"Kissy-pooo..." Rose droned as she grabbed Juleka from behind and aggressively kissed her neck.

"AAAAH! IT TICKLES!"

Admittedly, I forgot that last part happened until I wrote it down. Kinda makes the whole self-sacrifice less romantic than I remembered. As of writing this, though, they're still dating and I'm rooting for them.

We fought our way to the top of the tower, losing students along the way. Nino had this whole moment after Alya got infected and said something along the lines of, "Where the hell does it say in the Boyfriend Handbook that I have to stay and get zombified with her?" I thought he brought up an excellent point (I didn't even know there was a Handbook) but you shoved him out of the elevator.

By the time we reached our destination, only you, me, and Chloe were left. I had to hold back the horde, valiantly sacrificing myself. I had the utmost trust in you, M'Lady, and it was well-placed. The next thing I knew, I was making out with Chloe and you had single-handedly defeated the Akuma. I believe you said you, "made her kiss her own ass." Whatever you meant by that, it worked.

And then Chloe, my childhood friend who caused all this (never met her before), apologized, which I guess was a really big deal and a huge epiphany moment for her, and anyone who has been watching her grow as a person since they were toddlers would probably feel very proud of her, but as I said, I've never met her before.

And that about covers those 3 Akuma battles. If you have any questions or think you've forgotten something else, let me know and I'll use my feline prowess to fill you in.

Love,

Adrien

PS - I hope you enjoy the rose.

* * *

Alix lowered the letter and seriously considered just allowing the Universe to implode. The dumbass had not only left poorly covered up clues that anyone with half a brain could use to deduce his true identity but he had also signed _his actual name_. If Alix hadn't swiped the paper as a future-self had advised, then Paris wouldn't be standing right now.

_Wait, was it?_

The woman double-checked the time-portal into the current timeline. Paris—still whole, not decimated, and not populated by one lonely white cat-boy—stood on the other side. But that could change at any second. She grumbled and got to editing Chat Noir's letter. Her job used to be _BLAMming_ around time, having sick adventures, and fighting bad guys in every era. Now, with DB-M-9K out of the picture, it mostly consisted of making sure a boy didn't spill the beans about how he played dress up in black spandex.

And it was exhausting.

Who knew a simple letter could bring the end of the world?

"Kim says hi!" another future-her said as she zipped by and dove through another portal. Or, based on how much fun that her sounded like she was having, maybe it was a past-her. Hard to tell sometimes. Alix re-read the letter, ignoring the horribly obvious clues to Chat Noir's identity. The insinuation that Marinette's memory was being affected by some outside force was concerning. This might need some looking into. With a slight jump, she floated up through the white void and came to a stop at one of the infinite portals to every point of time in history.

"Should be around… here," she muttered to herself. Through the portal she saw Ladybug and Chat Noir at the top of the Eiffel Tower, the cat-boy blocking the kissing-zombie horde from getting closer with his body. He was covered in lipstick and was seconds away from becoming another zombie.

"I know you'll save us all, LB," he said. "And, hey, even if you don't, at least we'll end up kissing each other again like how we kissed in my bedroom after we defeated Volpina together."

Ladybug stared.

Alix stared.

"Happy birthday, Nooroo!" cheered a child's voice behind her.

"Y'up, I'm Nooroo, Fluff, and it's my birthday," Alix casually agreed with the bunny-shaped Kwami and jumped to a different time-portal. "Did you get me a present?"

"We all got you a present!" Fluff said between excited breaths. She eagerly rubbed her arm nubs together. "That which comes for all. The inescapable! The great equalizer! YOU WILL BE SMITED, NOOROO!"

Alix checked the letter and started fast-forwarding. "That's so thoughtful, thank you." She saw the inside of a shipping container and hit play.

"BWAHAAHAHA!" Dark Owl's voice cackled outside the metal walls. "You can't swim in whipped cream! You'll drown!"

"Oh no!" Chat Noir panicked as the deadly dairy reached his knees. "What are we going to do? I can't eat all of this! It'll ruin my figure in the next Gabriel fashion shoot!"

Ladybug stared.

Alix stared.

"Trixx, you're back!" Fluff said, looking at Alix with a flash of recognition. "What's it like out there? Are the human filth ours yet?"

"All ours." Alix jumped to a third time-portal. The timeline fast-forwarded to a few minutes before Ladybug made her appearance. Alix watched Chat Noir drop Marinette off at the Eiffel Tower after rescuing her from her recently invaded birthday party.

"No, seriously, you don't have come to my party," Marinette pleaded. "Please! Don't!"

"Don't worry, Princess," Chat Noir puffed out his chest with pride. "I won't let my number one fan's party be ruined, or my name isn't Adrien Agreste." The cat-boy leaped back towards the fight.

Marinette stared.

Alix stared. "I think I see a pattern."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed in horror the Ladybug hiding from the horde.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed in horror the Ladybug in the shipping container.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed in horror the Marinette alone on the Eiffel Tower.

Simultaneously, all three Marinettes/Ladybugs grabbed their heads, specifically the part of their heads where a wrench had left a mark many months ago.

Fluff joined in on the bellowing. "AAAAH! What have you done, Plagg?" she screamed in terror. "What have you done?!"

"Indoor voice," Alix warned.

_DING!_

All of the Kwami's distress became joy and her long floppy ears pointed straight up. "Ooh! Carrots are done!" Fluff reached into a time-portal and pulled out a tray of baked orange veggies. "Mmm, delicious!"

The three Marinettes's wails were abruptly cut off by a slack-jawed look of peace and tranquility, like a Buddhist attaining true Nirvana. Then they went on with their days/battles like they hadn't just found out Adrien and Chat Noir were the same person.

"Are you kidding me?" Alix sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Chat Noir discovers Ladybug's true identity: the world ends.

Ladybug discovers Chat Noir's true identity: the world _doesn't_ end, but Marinette slips so far into denial that she represses the entire day from her memory.

Sure. Why not? Sounds fair. Mystery solved.

Alix floated back down to her original time-portal to finish editing the letter. At least she didn't have to worry about Marinette.

Fluff didn't follow, too distracted with munching on yummy carrots. She glanced through the portal of Marinette smiling blankly on the Eiffel Tower. "Hi, Duusu," she said, waving at the girl. "I like what you did with your human."

The whites of Marinette's eyes flashed a dark blue and her irises were washed in red, and she grinned through time at Fluff.

END

_Fluff = Unstuck in Time_

_Look it up._


	10. 9 The Devil Wears Gold Heels

_TWO-PARTER TIME!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_I CAN HANG UP WHENEVER I WANT TO!_

_{But you won't. Because you're still considering it. You want to know what happens next to Big and Amelie. You want the story to continue...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 9: The Devil Wears Gold Heels  
_By: I Write Big

It's hard to pinpoint blame.

Some might waggle a finger at a political leader who abuses power to their own end. Others might raise a nose at a people or a culture they don't understand. Still more might feel comfortable laying the burden on the catch-all concept of evil, no names, no people, just evil. However, when you strip away the layers and layers of confusion, the true causes of life's greatest blunders are usually just humans being humans.

Like a little girl sending a letter to the New York City address which she had finally remembered after repressing it for nearly a decade and asking her mommikins to please come home.

* * *

It's a beautiful day in Paris, France and I'm taking bets on how long that lasts.

A crowd was gathered outside the Grand Palais. The historic building was decorated with lights, a shimmering red carpet, and the Gabriel brand logo on almost every surface.

"That's right, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Ace Reporter Nadia Chamak said to the camera. "Today is the Gabriel Spring-Lineup Fashion Show! For one day only the world gets to see the latest designs from Gabriel which none of us can hope to afford or pull off! Celebrities from all corners of the world are attending and judging very, _very _harshly! Anyone whose work is being displayed today is probably going through a panic attack right about now!"

_ Meanwhile: _

Marinette was having a panic attack. The young burgeoning fashion designer clung to the feather-themed derby hat she had designed so long ago like it were a lifejacket and hyperventilated nonstop.

Tikki watched with indifference. "If you're looking for a pep-talk, I ain't giving you one."

"This is the ugliest hat in the world!" Marinette wheezed. "The plastic feathers ruined everything! Adrien has to model it in front of everyone! He's going to hate it! Call me a hack! Say I have zero talent! End my fashion career!"

"You're right." Tikki grinned. "You should destroy it now before anyone sees your travesty."

"Of course! It's the only way!" Marinette grabbed a pair of scissors and aimed the blades. She hesitated. "No, I can't. I worked so hard on this hat. I can't destroy it."

"I'll do it if it'll get you to shut the hell up."

"Wait a minute..." Marinette's eyes widened in a eureka moment. "That's it! Tikki, possess me!"

The Kwami dropped her grin and slowly back away.

Marinette followed on her knees. "I know it's been messing with my memories and slowly turning me into a monster, but I can't face this without freaking out! Please, just for a day?"

The Kwami kept backing away. "No."

Marinette's claws and fangs sprouted. The Beast grabbed Tikki out of the air and smooshed the Kwami against its chest. "GET IN THERE, DAMMIT! COME ON!"

"Ow! Stop! No! I said no!" Tikki picked up the much bigger human girl and chucked her across the room. She splatted against the wall next to her clock.

"Is that the time?!" Marinette gasped, her monstrous features receding. "I'm going to be late!" Still trembling like a leaf, she packed up her hat in its hatbox and headed out.

_ Later: _

Marinette sprinted for the Grand Palais. The building was just a block away. The exercise was actually clearing her head. With every breath, there was less stress and more confidence. Maybe she could do this. Gabriel Agreste had hand-picked her design for a reason. She had the talent. She had tenacity. She could do this!

A limo ramped off a rooftop and landed in the middle of the nearby intersection in a shower of sparks. Leaving skidmarks of fire in its wake, it zoomed past Marinette. The vehicle ground out several doughnuts before coming to a screeching halt at the foot of the red carpet that led into the Grand Palais. Ape-Man got out of the driver's seat and held open the backdoor. Out stepped Chloe and her daddikins.

"Wow, we made excellent time," remarked the Mayor.

"Hello, people who can't afford their own limo!" Chloe waved to the photographers. "I hope you're having a, uh, ummm..." She pulled out a nice-card and read it, "a good day?"

The camera flashes stopped. Everyone stared at her.

"What?" Chloe sneered. "I'm trying to be nice!"

_SMASH!_

Everyone turned to where the limo used to be. Standing on the remains was a helicopter with the words _STYLE QUEEN_ printed on the side in sassy letters. The door slid open and out stepped a woman wearing solid gold heels. Those painful shoes used Ape-Man's unconscious and probably internally bleeding body as a stepping stool to reach the ground.

"hhhIt's okay, lessers," the blonde woman proclaimed with the haughtiest upper-class drawl anyone had ever heard. It was like she sighed with superiority in each sentence. "hhhYour better Audrey Bourgeois is hhhhere!"

"Audrey?" the Mayor whispered.

Chloe's mouth flapped silently.

Marinette wheezed, "Fuck!"

Audrey threw her arms wide and smiled a perfectly fake Hollywood smile, "hhhAnthony! Carbon! hhhIt's so hhhwonderful to see you—Ew! Is this rrrred carpet made of _fabric_?" The fashionista took a revolted step away from the sidewalk. "Disgusting! hhhAnyone who is hhhanyone knows that _marble_ is hhhwhat's trending."

Immediately, a miniature construction crew piled out of the helicopter, ripped up the red carpet, and started laying down red marble tiles.

"hhhMuch better."

Audrey sauntered like a model past her family. Andre Bourgeois fawned after her, "Audrey, my darling, I didn't think you'd ever come bac—"

"hhhNo, you don't think, do you, Antoine. Did you really presume I hhhwould miss a Gabriel fashion show? Hello, Cataract."

Chloe continued to stare at her long lost mommikins, stupefied.

"That's great, Clarence. Mommikins has to work now. We'll catch up later." She stepped around her child and went to Nadia Chamak for an interview that was much more important than reconnecting with her family.

"Mrs. Bourgeois," Nadia said, "according to anyone with half a brain, the concept of fashion trends is no different than the popular kids at school wearing something that looks like crap but claim it looks beautiful and everyone agreeing with them because they're so darn popular."

"hhhThat's correct."

"So tell us, almighty fashion overlord, what should we think looks beautiful now? Decide for us, please, we beseech thee! We are but swine, unworthy of our own opinions!"

Audrey Bourgeois flipped a coin. "Glitter," she shrugged.

The echo of "GLITTER!" spread through the crowd and Pandora's box was opened. Buckets of the sparkly stuff were poured out onto the marble red carpet. People who didn't have glitter in their outfits set themself on fire. As the glitteriest person in Paris, Rose was crowned as the newest princess of fashion. Peeking around the corner, Marinette had another panic attack.

"Gah! I don't have any glitter!" she wailed.

Now absolutely radiant with glitter, Nadia continued the interview. "As the editor of _Style Queen_ fashion magazine, you must spend a lot of time in New York. Don't you miss your family?"

"hhhNo."

"No, but…?"

"hhhNo but hhhnothing. I don't miss them. Ever. And I hhhintend to leave Parrris as soon as possible. This hhhinterview is hhhover." Audrey marched past Nadia and her gawking husband and her nearly crying daughter who was holding a hand-wrapped gift she'd been waiting to give her mommikins since she was 8.

"Wow, talk about family drama," Nadia said to the camera. "Well, with Audrey Bourgeois's surprise attendance, this is turning into one of the most important fashion shows of the Gabriel brand. I'd sure hate to be someone who has a design in today's show. I'd probably be losing my mind."

_ Meanwhile: _

Marinette was losing her mind. She tried to get her hands on some glitter but the ravenous crowd was hoarding all the good stuff. "Glitter! I need glitter or my entire work is worthless! It'll never work! It must be DESTROYED!" Her claws sprouted.

"Marinette! There you are." Before the girl could tear the ugly, vile, glitter-less hat to shreds, a pair of hands pulled the hatbox from her grip. It was Nathalie. "You're late. We need to get this to the Changing Rooms right away. Come along." Before Marinette could stop her, Nathalie stowed the hatbox in a vacuum-sealed container covered with several biohazard symbols on the side and the large ominous letters _**WMD**_.

A contingent of security guards surrounded the deadly hat and walked the container into the building. Marinette followed, still terrified. A loose red marble tile tripped her and the poor girl fell against the container. It so happened that her body hit the keypad in the right randomized sequence to release the seal and the hat tumbled out.

"Breach!" Nathalie shouted. "We have a breach!"

"Move! Stay back!" ordered a guard.

People left and right dove out of the way of the rolling hat as if it were a bomb. The only one who didn't move was Audrey Bourgeois who was too busy being better than everyone else to listen to the warnings. The Woeful Marinette Design touched her foot and came to a rest.

"Mrs. Bourgeois," Nathalie called. "Calmly step away from the—NO!"

Audrey picked up the hat with the disgust of one picking up a dirty diaper and asked, "hhhWhat is _this?_"

Instead of words, short and sporadic hah-hah-hahs escaped Marinette's tight throat.

Then, of all people, Chloe stepped in. "Mom, this is Marinette Dupain-Cheng and that is a hat she made because she wants to be a designer."

Marinette clenched her entire body, bracing herself for the onslaught of insults.

Instead, Chloe took the hat and turned it over, "See? She even secretly signed her name into the stitching because she's… um… proud of what she made?"

Marinette couldn't move. Her eyes flicked in every direction looking for the bucket of pig's blood that was no doubt about to be dumped on her. Chloe continued, speaking like someone sounding out a foreign language.

"Sheee worked… veeery hard on this haaat… and is, um, risssking a lot to show it here... today… so we should… reeeespeeeect that?"

No one in the building made a sound.

"What?" Chloe asked. "Did I say it wrong?"

Then her mommikins laughed. "Hahahahaha! Oh sweet Corrosive Acid, that hhhwas truly hhhhilarious. hhhYou sounded just like a middle class. hhhWonderful impression. Hahaha!"

"Haha, yeah, impression..." Chloe weakly chuckled along, looking and sounding remarkably like Sabrina. "Whatever you say, mom. Please don't leave me."

A bomb-defusing robot drove in, took the hat in its metal arm, and returned the dangerous item to its lead-lined container.

"Football secured!" Nathalie announced. "Let's move!"

The security guards picked up the WMD container and the dumbstruck Marinette and carried both backstage.

_Later, backstage:_

Adrien was adjusting his suit in his dressing room when there was a knock at his door. In came Marinette and the security team.

"Marinette!" he said. "You made it."

"Y-Yeah, hi, um, sorry, a weird thing just happened out there." Marinette stepped carefully, just in case a tar and feathers trap Chloe had hidden somewhere would be set off. "It sounds strange, but Chloe was acting… very nice."

"I know, right? She's really trying." Adrien smiled with pride.

"Marinette," Nathalie interrupted. The woman stood over the hat, released from its container again. "Any last-minute changes?"

Marinette looked at her hard work and sagged. "It doesn't matter. The hat is a complete disaster anyway. Audrey Bourgeois, the Queen of Fashion, already hates it."

"Well I think it looks great," Adrien said. Before anyone could stop him, the boy swiped the life-endangering hat and plopped it on his head.

"Contamination!" Nathalie shouted. "Clear the area!"

She and the security team scrambled out of the room and fired up the bomb-defusing robot again. However, Marinette didn't move. She only went weak in the knees as she saw her design truly being worn. A crown on her Adrien's head that made him look like the prince she always dreamed him to be… and she had made it. Marinette felt like she could fly.

The robot's metal arm whirred up to Adrien's head with a pair of scissors and snipped off the tip of one of the feathers, officially making it no longer a WMD.

_Later, at the mainstage:_

Audrey and her family made their way to the front row, the woman complaining about everything with every step. "Ugh! And hhhwhat is that? A ceiling? So last season. To think, I have to share the front rrrow hhhwith these commoners? RRRidiculous. hhhUtterly rrridiculous." Audrey took a seat between Alya and the Dupain-Chengs.

"Um, sorry, miss," Alya said. "But that seat is reserved for Marinette. It's the best place for me to get good angles of her mental breakdown face for my _I Can't Deal With This_ blog."

Audrey quirked a sophisticated brow at the girl. "Is hhhthis hhhthing talking to moi?"

"Thing?"

Chloe jumped in. "Ooh, I know how to handle this, mommikins. I've been practicing." She cleared her throat and checked her nice-cards. "Uh, s-s-sooooorry, people who have to settle for minimum wage, we didn't know. Is there enough room to scoot down so we can all fit even though we are not equals? Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank yoooooooooou."

Again, everyone in the building stared.

"Hahaha! Another hhhwonderful joke, Cottonmouth. Now, watch and learn." Audrey stood up and turned an angry eye on the front row. "Do you know hhhwho I am?" she demanded. "I am Audrey Bourgeois, Mrs. Style Queen, the most powerful hhhwoman in the hhhworld of fashion. This entire rrrrow is for moi! So get lost!"

A firm hand landed on her shoulder. "Mrs. Bourgeois," Nathalie said with practiced patience. "Mr. Agreste has a special seat reserved just for you—"

"Aha! Finally, the rrrrecognition I deserve."

"In the second row," Nathalie finished.

"hhhWHAT?!" Audrey huffed.

Chloe checked her nice-cards. "Um, that's so very kind of you, second-class human. Thaaaa—"

"Unacceptable!" Audrey stomped her golden heels, making Chloe drop her entire deck. "Gabriel cannot do this to moi! I discovered hhhhim. hhhWithout moi, that sissy introverted momma's boy hhhwould still be drawing his paltry designs in his basement, hhhwondering hhhwhy he never had the balls to talk to his precious EmilieEEEOUCH!"

The heel of Nathalie's stiletto dug into Audrey's toe like a knife. Calm and collected, the assistant leaned closer and said, "Bitch, don't you ever badmouth Mr. Agreste in front of me. I have been used as underpaid slave labor for years, forced to raise a boy who doesn't grasp the idea that his life is in constant danger, and I have been, on an almost daily basis, possessed by a demon with a passion for knock-knock jokes who wants nothing more than to force me to kill the man I secretly lov—care for in a professional manner! Do you think _you and your primadonna Mean Girls routine (intimidates me?")_

Audrey couldn't look away from Nathalie's unholy eyes which had turned bluer than the darkest night and redder than blood.

"I think I'll leave," she whimpered.

_("Yes, you will.")_

Audrey nodded frantically and limped away. The color disappeared from Nathalie's eyes and she led Marinette to her seat.

"Did you see that?" Alya whispered. "What the fuck was that?"

"Huh? Wha?" Marinette dreamily looked off into space, still imagining Adrien wearing her hat... and nothing else. "See wha?"

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting figure of a man starting to think that this whole evil thing was a mistake. "What the hell? Nathalie is out of the house! How is Duusu still having an effect on her?! I need to fix this quickly. I know I said I wouldn't akumatize Chloe again, but maybe her mother won't be as bad?"

Deep within, the ever so patient Nooroo smiled.

"Yeah, she's not as bad as Chloe. This will be fine." Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies with darkness, sent it off, and spoke the forbidden words, "What's the worst that can happen?"

_Back at the fashion show:_

Audrey marched for the exit, trying to hide her fear and anger behind a veneer of snobbishness. Her pathetic family followed behind her like a pair of abused puppies. The black butterfly shattered on the flower of her sunhat. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Hey, Audrey, it's been a while," Hawkmoth said. "Listen, your daughter kind of took things a little too far when I akumatized her and I want to be sure that I'm not going to make the same mistake akumatizing you. Can you promise not to nearly destroy the world?"

A hungry snarl spread across Audrey's face. "You have my word," she said, crossing her fingers behind her back.

The woman was swallowed by bubbling darkness.

_ Later: _

The cameras primed, the lights spun, the music thumped. The show was about to begin! Marinette's hyperventilating shifted into gear, providing excellent content for Alya, and Adrien stepped out onto the catwalk.

"GAH!" Marinette screamed. Her voice was thankfully drowned out by the intense soundtrack. She was frozen in her seat as Adrien walked across the room. Dozens, hundreds, thousands of cameras flashed, catching Marinette's hat at every possible angle. Every flash blinded Marinette. She couldn't see the crowd's reaction. She couldn't tell if they liked it. They must hate it! THEY HATE IT!

"Wait, don't look! It's not finished yet!" Marinette jumped to her feet and pulled out a sewing needle and a pair of scissors! She raced for the catwalk! Alya eagerly switched to her _Running With Scissors is Fun _blog.

_POOMF!_

A sparkly cloud landed on the catwalk and formed into a queen made completely out of gold glitter.

"Heeheeehee… a fashion show hhhwithout Style Queen?" the Akuma growled. "hhhUnnaceptable. Glitterly hhhunnaceptable."

The crowd panicked and ran for the exits.

"hhhWhere is Gabriel Agreste? I demand that hhhungrateful bastard kneels before moi."

"AH! Merde, not this again!" Hawkmoth cried and made sure to lock the doors.

"I said hhhwhere!" Style Queen pointed her golden scepter at Adrien and a ray of golden light shot out. _POOMF! _The ray struck Adrien and he was instantly transformed into a statue of solid gold glitter!

Hawkmoth suddenly started to sweat. "This is okay. It's perfectly fine that I'm putting my own son in danger. This will all work out. Don't panic. Stop panicking, Gabriel. I SAID STOP PANICKING! AAAAAAAAAH!"

As Marinette ducked inside a closet to transform into Ladybug, Style Queen glitter-fied people left and right. She even cornered her husband.

"Audrey, darling, please," the Mayor begged, his four chins jiggling in terror. "Let's take a moment for me to buy you a brand new hair salon so you can relax—"

_POOMF!_

"Heeheehee!" she cackled over the man's statue.

"Um, mom?" Chloe poked her head around the corner.

"Style Queen!" the Akuma corrected, aiming her scepter.

"Style Queen, right, um, I think this whole glitter blasting thing would fall under Not Nice." Chloe checked her now glittery nice-cards. "Yeah, these people who haven't a single butler to carry their bags were here to enjoy themselves which makes what you're doing… rude? Is that the word? Am I saying that right? Ruuuude? Roooaaad?"

The scepter stopped glowing and Style Queen laughed. "Hahahaha! I hhhswear, Claudine, your hhhimpressions just keep getting better. hhhHilarious. hhhUtterly hhhhilarious." She aimed the scepter again. "Now, do you know hhhwhere I can find Gabriel Agreste?"

"Ooh, I don't need my nice-cards for this one. Ahem, of course, I'd be happy to help, sir and/or madame. Will that be cash or credit or blood-diamonds?"

Then Ladybug landed in the rafters and fired her yo-yo at the distracted Akuma. The yo-yo sliced straight through Style Queen's chest and came out the other side as if nothing was there. No blood, no guts, no cries for mercy.

"What the fuck?"

Ladybug fired again. Her yo-yo again had no effect. It was like Style Queen didn't have a body she could punch but was instead completely made of living glitter.

"No fair!"

Style Queen turned and gagged at the sight of Ladybug. "Polka-dots? UGH! hhhWhat are you thinking? So last season." She fired her golden ray, forcing Ladybug to the ground. The heroine was quickly overwhelmed by dozens of golden rays and forced to hide behind her spinning shield, but that wasn't enough! She was knocked on her back by a powerful blast and left staring down the gold scepter. The gold light filled her vision. She shut her eyes, unable to escape.

"WAIT!"

The gold light faded and both Style Queen and Ladybug looked at Chloe.

The blonde hesitated, suddenly on the spot. "Uh, um, it would be not nice if you did that?"

Style Queen sighed. "hhhOkay, seriously, Quasimodo, this hhhwhole Act Like A Nice hhhMiddle Class joke is starting to get old."

"But it isn't nice," Chloe insisted and checked her nice-cards. "You're-You're pro-proo-prooojecting? Pro-jecting? Yeah, projecting the anger you have against Gabriel Agreste on Ladybug when she did nothing to you. And that's not nice."

Ladybug stared. "Whaaa…?"

"Hmmm..." Style Queen thought it over. "You hhhhave a point, Calico. To Gabriel's!"

"NO! DAMMIT! NO!" Hawkmoth screamed, piling as many butterflies against his hidden tower's door as possible.

Style Queen pounded her scepter against the ground. The weapon siphoned Adrien's statue into its mass before the Akuma turned into a comet of glitter. The comet sped out of the building, grabbing Chloe along the way.

_At the Agreste Mansion:_

The comet of gold glitter ripped the locked doors off their hinges and spread through every room.

"Gabriel!" Style Queen called in the mansion's karaoke bar. "hhhWhere are you?" she cackled in the mansion's wine cellar. "It's time to show appreciation for the hhhwoman hhhwho got you laid," she tittered in the mansion's owlery.

At last, the glitter arrived at Gabriel's office and reformed into Style Queen, Chloe landing at her feet. "Are hhhyou even hhhome?"

"...No?" a sheepish voice answered from behind Emilie's portrait, muffled by thousands of butterfly wings.

"Curses! The coward hhhas fled. Come, Cassandra, I hhhmust attend to Ladybug and Chat Noir." She pounded her scepter on the ground and the comet took them outside.

_Later, at the Eiffel Tower:_

Style Queen dropped Chloe and brought back Adrien's glittery form. She stuck her enchanted flower in his mouth and secured them both under a magical dome.

"You're not going to hurt him, are you?" Chloe asked. "Because I don't think that would be nice—"

"hhhENOUGH!" Style Queen stomped towards Chloe, fire in her eyes. "I'm beginning to think this isn't a joke anymore. hhhHave you really not changed at all since I've been gone, Carrot? Are you really the same hhhwhiny, spineless child I left behind?" She aimed her scepter at Chloe, the gold light radiated like the sun.

"No, I'm mean! I'm a complete bitch! Ask anybody! I'm here to serve you and only you!"

"That's hhhwhat I like to hhhear." She lowered her scepter. "Make yourself useful hhhhand stand guard. Tell me if you see Ladybug and Chat Noir."

"Yes, ma'am!"

Style Queen turned into glitter and flew higher to search for her prey.

Now alone, Chloe desperately flipped through her nice-cards and went into a panic. "Oh no! I lied! Lying to people who aren't poorer than you isn't nice. But if I hadn't lied, she would've glitter-fied me and I wouldn't be able to tell Ladybug how to do her job and that's always nice. Does that make lying nice? Do they cancel each other out? If I keep lying to Style Queen, is it still not nice even though she's a villain and makes more money than daddikins? Is it nice to be not nice as long as it's so you can be nice afterward? Is there someone I can pay to pretend it never happened?"

Ladybug, who had arrived halfway through this rant, asked, "Are you actually having a philosophical debate with yourself?"

"Ladybug! Oh thank Astruc, you're here." She wrapped the heroine in a tight hug and then resumed tumbling down the rabbit hole. "Wait, I promised Style Queen I'd let her know if I saw you. If I say nothing, that's lying by omission, which is still lying, which is not nice, but if I say nothing, you can save Adri-kins and get the Akuma which is hiding in the flower in his mouth, but is it really nice if it was accomplished through not nice means? Can I pay you to pretend this never happened—"

_POOMF!_

In a blast of gold light, Chloe was a statue of glitter. Style Queen landed on the dome. "Kids these days, am I right? Such a disappointment."

"Stop making me feel bad for Chloe!" Ladybug spun her yo-yo into a buzzsaw and swiped at the Akuma. The villain was cut clean in half!

"HA! Take that!"

And then immediately reformed.

"DAMMIT!"

Gold rays peppered the Eiffel Tower as Ladybug duck and dived to stay human. She hid behind a girder and called, "Lucky Charm!" She tossed up her yo-yo and down came a polka-dotted mallet. "Yes! Finally, a blunt object!"

With every ounce of her Amazonian strength, Ladybug fired the mallet at Style Queen! It passed through her like there was nobody there!

_SMASH!_

"Ah! My car!" a distant voice cried. "Who threw that?!"

"No fair! NO FAIR!" Ladybug whined. "How can I fight a villain I can't touch?"

Style Queen was on her in a heartbeat. The gold scepter was aimed point-blank at her head. "Any last hhhwords, Ladybug?" the villains sneered.

"TIMEOUT!"

"hhhWhat?" asked Style Queen.

"Huh?" asked Hawkmoth.

"You heard me. I'm using one of my timeouts." Ladybug stood up, dusted herself off, and lassoed a distant rooftop. "You stay here, don't follow. I gotta grab something, be right back." And she was gone.

"Can she… Can she do that? _Can she do that?!_" Style Queen demanded.

Hawkmoth was left scratching his head in confusion and had no answer.

_Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

Marinette kicked down the door. "Not feeling up to the hero business today, Fu. Need someone to tag in..." her voice petered out as she saw Fu was not sitting at his usual pillow in the center of the room. Instead, there was this small, black, cat-rat thing.

"S'up, girl," Plagg said before consuming an entire wheel of camembert. Then he winked at Tikki, "S'up, babe."

Marinette stared at Tikki, "Babe?"

Tikki couldn't meet her gaze. "Yeah… He's the only other Kwami on Earth, don't judge me."

"That's another Kwami?!"

A wrinkled old hand pulled Marinette into the corner of the room where an overturned table served as a fortress. Fu hissed at her, "Don't go near, Marinette." His mismatched armor of pots and pans clanged as he shakily pointed his gong at the lounging Kwami as if it would protect them. "That is Plagg, Chat Noir's Kwami. He lost his Miraculous and now most dangerous Kwami has no wielder."

"Dangerous?" Marinette took another look. Plagg simultaneously let rip a belch and a fart. "Seriously?"

"Don't trust act," Fu warned. "Plagg play lazy, but also play long game. He patient. He cunning. Every war, every major disaster, every plague was him."

Marinette gulped, suddenly feeling the fear.

"I already told you, old man," Plagg said as he stretched on his back. "I may be literally the natural force of destruction made incarnate but World War II has worn me out. I'm taking it easy for the next couple of centuries. Just coasting, eating, getting kids laid."

"Liar!" Fu shouted.

"UGH!" Tikki growled. "Stop bragging that you caused World War II, Plagg. You didn't! You had nothing to do with World War II or I or any war since Pompeii, you lazy asshole! How many times do I have to tell you humans this? Plagg is a careless bum who can't control his punch. He is not some kind of mastermind plotter who is secretly the cause of all the terrible things in human history."

"Or am I?" Plagg smiled sinisterly. "MuahahahHAAHAHAAH**AHAHAAHAAHA—**"

"No, he's not. Humans did all that crap. Plagg just blows stuff up when he gets bored and sometimes things get out of control."

"Shh! No, babe, don't tell them!" Plagg whined. "You'll ruin my cred."

Tikki flew over, picked up Plagg by the scruff of his neck, and tossed him into a vase. "There. He's gone. Can we do this?"

Still wary, Fu and Marinette scampered to the mystical record player and retrieved the Miraculous Box.

_Later, back at the Eiffel Tower:_

Alya snuck her way up the tower, recording every second and whisper-singing the Mission Impossible theme to herself.

Up above, Ladybug watched the girl loudly give away her position without even trying to hide. "Am I smarter than Alya?" she asked herself. "I never thought I was but… maybe I am." The heroine jumped down and held up the small oriental jewel box. "Hey, Alya, look at what I got."

"No!" Alya cowered back. "No, no, no, I am not getting dragged back into your freaky demon-war. I'd rather record from the sidelines."

Ladybug grinned maliciously and grabbed her. "I already told you, Alya. You don't have a choice."

"NOOO!" Alya tried to wrestle away, making as much noise as possible. "Style Queen! Over here! Ladybug is trying to give me powers so we can team up to defeat you! Glitter-fy me, quickly!"

_POOMF!_

Ladybug stumbled back as Alya became another statue. In her fall, the jewel box slipped from her hands and tumbled into the recesses of the Eiffel Tower.

"Whoops..." she said, staring down into the maze of metal. "Well, that plan backfired."

"Heeheehee!" Style Queen cackled from above. "Looks like you're rrrrunning out of hhhoptions, Ladybug."

"...Ummmm, timeou—"

"NO MORE TIMEOUTS!"

_POOMF!_

Ladybug scrambled to get away from the tirade of golden rays. She tried another Lucky Charm and chucked the polka-dotted bottle of glue she got. It phased through Style Queen like everything else. The chase continued, Ladybug always barely escaping, until they reached the floor where Adrien was waiting under the dome.

Out of breath, Ladybug collapsed against the magical prison and watched with wide-eyed terror as Style Queen closed in for the kill.

This was it.

She had nothing left.

It was over.

And then a little black cat dropped between them.

"Hi," Plagg said.

Style Queen hesitated. "Um, hi?"

"I'm bored. You're boring me."

The Kwami raised an arm nub and a black sphere of pure destruction magic like Chat Noir's Cataclysm formed, only this sphere kept growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing until a second pure black planet, over double the size of Earth, was balanced on Plagg's wittle arm.

"Oh..." Style Queen whimpered.

"...my..." Hawkmoth wheezed.

"...FUCK!" Ladybug croaked.

"**DO YOU SEE?**" Plagg's voice thundered around them as bolts of black lightning shattered mountains on the horizon. From the Kwami's eyes blazed a green brighter than the blotted-out sun. "**DO YOU SEE MY POWER?**"

Everyone on this side of the planet nodded.

"**GOOD, BECAUSE IT'S A DISTRACTION!**" In Plagg's other arm nub was a tiny ball of power no bigger than a pea. "**MASTERMIND PLOTTER FOR THE WIN! CATACLYSM!**" The doomsday ball vanished and Plagg lightly tapped the smaller ball of power against the floor.

Paris broke in half.

Just… crack!

Like a Twix bar.

SNAP! A brand new fault line in the Earth's tectonic plates formed and ripped the city down the middle! Buildings collapsed! Gas lines ruptured! The Seine drained into the new pit that reached partway to the planet's core! Hundreds perished! In the sky, the plane of reality tore open to the Realm of the Great Old Ones!

Hawkmoth's hidden tower split open and the villain was left hanging onto a ledge for dear life over a bottomless chasm! "Dammit, Audrey, you promised you wouldn't destroy the world!"

"Whoops," Plagg said as Lovecraftian horrors began to spill from the dimensional rift over Main Street. "My bad."

"What are you?!" Ladybug demanded.

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

The Eiffel Tower above rumbled. It began to rain steel bars and girders. A chunk of metal smashed on Style Queen, scattering her glitter to the wind. Even more rained on the magical dome, cracking and eventually shattered the barrier. Quick as can be, Ladybug grabbed the flower from Adrien's mouth and broke it in half. She de-evilized the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The Eiffel Tower was repaired.

The fault line was undone.

Every statue was made a person again.

The dimensional rift to worlds we could never begin to fathom was sealed.

* * *

_ Later: _

"We were such a good team, mom," Chloe gushed as she scaled down the Eiffel Tower with her mommikins. "You were evil and I was like your nice teacher. It was great! We should spend more time together. Maybe I could, you know, if it's okay with you, go back to New York with you?"

"Don't be rrridiculous, Casserole. I only stopped by Parrris for the fashion show. hhhNothing else."

Chloe nearly stumbled. "But didn't you come back because you got my letter?"

"hhhWhat letter?"

Chloe stopped. A chill colder than ice seeped into her chest. Her mommikins kept going down the stairs. "The letter I sent to the New York address," Chloe barely said. "The address I saw the night you left."

"Oh, I did get a letter from Parrris, didn't I?" Audrey huffed, still moving further and further away from her only child. "I didn't rrread that. hhhNo one rrrreads letters anymore. The French postmark did rrrremind me to attend the fashion show, though. hhhNearly missed the event. Guess you're good for something, after all, Conditioner." Her mother kept blabbering in her snooty fashion but she was so far away Chloe couldn't hear her anymore.

The girl collapsed to the floor and hugged her knees, imagining she was clinging to Mr. Cuddly. She'd spent so much time on that letter. Hours, days of edits and rewrites, searching for the nicest way to say, "Mommy, please come home."

And she hadn't read a word.

A blue mini-nuclear explosion erupted next to her, but Chloe didn't notice. She was too deep in her own head.

_Be nice,_ the little voice Jean-Bill called her conscience urged her. It had grown stronger and more annoying with every passing day. She still didn't grasp what it was supposed to be. Her butler described it as the little part of her that always knew what was right, but all it ever said was, _be nice_.

Another blue min-nuclear explosion erupted, bringing something even closer to Chloe, but the girl again didn't notice.

She wanted to ask her conscience how she could possibly be nice to someone so distant and spiteful like her mommikins, but, as always, her conscience just said, _be nice_. She wished it would say more. She wished her conscience would just tell her what was nice instead of her having to figure it out on her own. If her conscience could say more than two words, maybe Chloe could be nice like everyone else without having to second-guess her every action. And maybe… if Chloe was nice… mommy would stay and they could be a family.

A third blue mini-nuclear explosion impatiently erupted, dropping something on Chloe's head.

"Ow! Who threw this trash?" Chloe whipped whatever had hit her over the railing. A fourth blue mini-nuclear explosion dropped it back on her head again. "OW! Alix, is that you? Are you messing… with… me?"

Chloe finally saw what had hit her. It was a small oriental jewel box.

"Ew! Tacky." Chloe tossed the box into a nearby trash can.

A really annoyed fifth blue mini-nuclear explosion uppercut Chloe's chin with the box.

"Okay! Okay! Fine, I'll take it!"

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Hawkmoth roared at his spiral window, "I was so close! Style Queen practically had her! Well, don't celebrate too long, Ladybug and Chat Noir, for one day I shall… I shall… Oh, who am I kidding?" Hawkmoth groaned and sulked out.

_In his office:_

Gabriel rose into the room on his mini-elevator, looking thoroughly depressed. He unwrapped a bar of Gabriel brand chocolate and took a big ol' bite. A video call came through on his computer. It was Nathalie.

"It was a decent attempt, sir," she said. "You took a huge risk with—Are you eating my chocolate?"

"Oh Nathalie," Gabriel sighed, shoving the rest of the bar in his mouth. "What's the point? Every day is the same thing. Someone gets angry, I akumatize them, and I lose. Over and over and over." He put on some emo-rock and cracked open a tub of vanilla ice cream.

"That's my ice cream!"

Gabriel downed the entire tub in one go and pulled a bottle of wine out of a cabinet labeled _Nathalie's Emergency Stash._ "I'm giving up."

"Don't you dare open that—Wait, what did you say?"

Nooroo popped out. "Wait, what did you say?"

_("Wait, what did you say?!")_ Duusu chimed in.

Gabriel opened the bottle and smelled the cork. It brought him no joy. "I'm throwing in the towel. Done. Over. Kaputski. Arrange a news conference after the fashion show, Nathalie. I'm going to turn myself in." He started chugging the bottle and hung up.

_In front of the Grand Palais:_

Nathalie stared at her phone. In the black mirror, she saw her eyes turn blue and red.

_("Uh oh,") _she heard Duusu whimper in a sick mockery of sympathy. _("Looks like Gabe doesn't want to play anymore. Fine. I was getting bored of him anyway.")_

Without wanting to, Nathalie put her phone away and headed for the mansion.

_("Come on, Nat, let's wish Gabe a fond farewell. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. It's gonna be so sad to see him go, I might just _die. _Boohoo, boohoohoohohohohheheeheheehehAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAH!")_

"Hey, Nathalie," Adrien said as he landed in her path while carried in Ladybug's arms. "I'm guessing we need an hour to set up before we can resume the show?"

"...Help… me..." she begged through her teeth as she shambled past her only hope of rescue.

"Okay, I'll see you inside." He turned to Ladybug, "She probably needs to pick some stuff up at the mansion. Thanks again for the ride."

"Anytime, hot stuff. Now get in there and strut your moneymaker." She spanked him and went on her merry way. The heroine ducked behind some stairs and de-transformed. "Glad that hassle is over. Now, let's get inside and..." Marinette noticed Tikki was staring at her. "What?"

Tikki continued to stare.

"What?"

Tikki continued to stare.

"_What?_"

"Remember the first time you were Ladybug and you didn't de-evilize the Akuma and I said you'd fucked up in the worst way imaginable?"

"Yeah..." Marinette didn't like where this was going.

"I was wrong. Today you fucked up in the worst way imaginable."

"What? HOW?!"

"You forgot to go back for the Miraculous you dropped!"

Marinette stared.

Tikki stared.

Marinette screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAH!" She sprinted out of her hiding spot, ready to beeline it all the way back to the Eiffel tower, and smashed face-first into her parents.

"Marinette, there you are!" Tom exclaimed. "We've been looking for you everywhere. Are you okay?"

"SUPER! GREAT! FINE! I HAVE TO GO! I HAVE AN IMPORTANT—"

"No, you don't." Her parents took both of her arms and dragged her into the building. "What could possibly be more important than our daughter's first fashion show, Sabine?"

"Absolutely nothing, Tom. We wouldn't miss this even if the world were to be taken over by a brutal bee-themed evil dictator."

An ominous wind of foreshadowing blew through the streets.

_Meanwhile, in Chloe's Room:_

The room was empty. The doors were locked. The servants were dismissed. Chloe sat alone on her bed, the oriental box cradled in her hands. She didn't know why, but she was compelled not to show this box to anyone, which went against all logic of fashion. Her fingers trembled as she slowly pulled back the lid.

Inside she found a hair comb. It was shaped like a bee.

Immediately an orb of golden light sprouted from the accessory and from the light… came the sound of drums.

Hundreds of them. Steady, deep, heavy, never wavering. The Drums of War.

"I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA!" a child's voice pontificated from the light. "THOZE WHO ARE UNWORTHY, LOOK AWAY, LEZT THOU BE BLINDED BY MY MAGNIFICENZE!"

Before Chloe's eyes, the golden orb coalesced into a tiny bug-mouse hybrid colored like a bee.

"Well, well, well," the thing said, looking down its non-existent nose with its cold and merciless amber eyes at the girl. "What do we have here?"

Chloe, amazed beyond belief, wet her dry lips and asked, "Are you… Are you my conscience?"

Pollen smiled. "Zure."

INTERMISSION

_Long live the Queen..._

_PS - I've gotten so good at this writing thing that I already have the next 2 and a half chapters written. Should I slow down or something or do you like this weekly release schedule?_


	11. 10 The 1,000-Year Reich of Queen Wasp

_So, how's the end of the world treating you? Got enough toilet paper?_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_THAT'S NOT TRUE! THE PROLOGUE SAGA IS OVER! I'M JUST BEING POLITE!_

_{Search your feelings. You know it to be true...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 10: The 1,000-Year Reich of Queen Wasp  
_By: I Write Big

It has been about 30 minutes since the last chapter, and civilization as humanity knows it will end in about 97 minutes. Clean up of the Grand Palais is ahead of schedule and the fashion show will be resuming very soon. General excitement was abundant in the building, however, across the city, the mood was much... weirder.

"Hey, Emi-poo!" Gabriel sang as he trotted into the grand cathedral built under his mansion that was so big it could house several jumbo jets. At the heart of the structure glowed a glass coffin and within that coffin laid a not breathing, not doing so well, and a mostly dead… **Emilie Agreste!**

"What? These?" Gabriel pointed a guilty finger at the bouquet of flowers in his other hand as if Emilie had mentioned them.

Emilie continued to be a corpse.

"I don't always bring you flowers when I have bad news. Don't be silly. I brought you these because I love you."

Emilie somehow got even corpsier.

"Haha! You're a riot, Emi-poo. You always are. Hahaha!"

"I swear, this gets creepier every time he does this," Nooroo muttered to itself, floating near Gabriel's shoulder.

"So, how's the coffin treating you? The life-support holding up nicely? Do you like the food paste pumped directly into your stomach? It's mango-flavored. Oh, your skin looks absolutely radiant! Did you do something with your nails?"

One of Emilie's fingers rotted off.

"Oops, butterfingers, I'll get that for you." Gabriel opened the coffin. Immediately, alarms wailed! Lights flashed! Messages of critical heart failure went ballistic! Gabriel screamed at his blunder, put Emilie's finger back in place, and slammed the coffin shut. The life-support came back online and catastrophe was narrowly avoided. "Sorry, sorry, Emi-poo, I forgot about the whole… on the verge of death thing..."

The man's enthusiasm dwindled. He picked up the bouquet he'd dropped in the excitement and tried to straighten the flowers. He only made them worse… just like he did with everything else.

"You're right, Emi-poo," he sighed. "This isn't just a hello. This is goodbye. I tried, I really did, but I wasn't enough. I'm sorry. I can only hope that your clone will love me as much as you did."

"How sweet, we'll have a Bagpipe Playing Amazing Grace ceremony for her later," Nooroo yawned. "Can we just skip to the part where you get your second wind and return to akumatizing people?"

"No more akumatizing, Nooroo," Gabriel solemnly said, placing the bouquet on the coffin. "It's over."

"Yeah, sure, riiiight." Nooroo rolled its bulbous eyes. "I totally believe you're committing to leaving Ultimate Power and your wife behind and spending the rest of your days with me screaming in your ears."

"Oh, it won't be so bad." Gabriel cupped little Nooroo in the palm of his hand and smiled at the monster. "I've actually enjoyed our time together. In fact, I would be even willing to call you… my friend."

Nooroo stared. "Fuuuuuck. You're serious."

"Nothing but."

Nooroo said nothing and decided it was time to take away Gabriel's free will. It had been slowly regaining strength and influence with each Akuma, controlling the human now would be simple. But before the Kwami could take the wheel, Gabriel went wide-eyed and whipped his head towards the glass coffin.

"What did you say?!" he asked, sounding very astonished.

There was no response.

"What? You don't—No, Emi-poo, Nooroo isn't planning to possess me."

Now it was Nooroo's turn to go wide-eyed. "Wait, she actually heard me think about how I'm about to double-cross you?!"

Gabriel stared at Nooroo.

Nooroo stared at Gabriel.

Emilie carried on being a corpse.

"AAAAAAA!" Nooroo's warcry rattled the cathedral walls and the Kwami dove at Gabriel's body. Gabriel quickly pulled off the Moth Miraculous. Nooroo vanished from existence. The next few moments were spent by Gabriel realizing how quiet it was without his constant companion-turned-traitor. They left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Great. Now I'm lonely," he moaned and left.

_ Upstairs: _

The front doors of the Agreste Mansion were made of elephant-sized elegantly carved mahogany, embossed with the Agreste crest, the Gabriel logo, a secret hidden message that said "Hawkmoth's Evil Lair," and a gratuitous amount of euro signs. DB-M-9K had every inch memorized from years of answering its knocks and if that AI were still there at its post, Duusu's joke might have landed.

_Knock-knock._

No one was there to say, "Who's there?"

_("Johnny.")_

No one was there to say, "Johnny who?"

_SMASH!_

The ax cleaved through the door like it was paper. Nathalie and her unholy eyes peered through the hole.

_("Here's Johnny!")_

The puppet reached a perfectly manicured hand inside and unlocked the door. Pure white teeth glistened between its madly grinning lips. Its heels clonked on the marble floor in stiff, jerky steps. Echoes of the blade scratching the drywall filled every room.

_("Gabe, come out and play…") _it crooned. _("GaaaaAAAaaaaabe, come out and plaaaaAAAAaaaay! Can you tell I've been watching a lot of classic movies lately?")_

The puppet hacked the office doors down and stepped through the debris. Another swing and the speakers playing the emo-rock were silenced. Its target was there, slumped in a chair, looking like the definition of down in the dumps. He was so depressed he didn't even look up at his would-be killer.

_("Well, isn't this sad? How do you think the headlines will read? Dutiful Assistant Cuts Down Her Beloved Boss! It makes me wanna cry. HAHAAHAAHAHA!") _it guffawed insanely, dragging the blade towards him. _("Knock-knock jokes ain't gonna save you this time, Gabe, I memorized them all! Every pun! Every twist! Every knock-knock joke ever made! There isn't a single thing you can say to stop me!")_ It raised the ax!

Gabriel Agreste farted.

_("PbbbffffffffHAHAAHAA!")_ And Duusu lost the wheel. _("Dammit!")_

The ax slipped from Nathalie's hold, the blade cutting the luxurious rug behind her. "Somebody stop me! Please! Help… what? Huh? I'm free?"

"Oh, hi, Nathalie." Gabriel looked up from his chair, acknowledging the woman as if seeing her for the first time. "I didn't hear you come in. Sorry, my mind was a million miles away."

"You're okay?" Nathalie reached out a hand, looking almost afraid to touch him.

"If I'm being perfectly honest, no. Giving up the whole pursuit of Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous has left me feeling pretty low. Can you squeeze in a bungee jumping trip at the Grand Canyon before I turn myself over to the authorities? That might cheer me—"

Nathalie hugged him. She hugged him so tight it was like she feared he was about to fly away. It was sudden. It was unexpected. But it was not unwelcome.

"This… This works," Gabriel whispered.

And for a while neither of them were lonely.

"By the way, where did that ax come from?"

* * *

_Later, at the Grand Palais:_

The fashion show was in full swing! The cameras were flashing, the music was pumping, and Marinette had chained herself to her seat so she wouldn't be tempted to augment the hat!

"No, don't look! It's hideous!" Marinette screeched, her voice drowned out by the sick beats. She flailed against her restraints as Adrien modeled her creation on the catwalk. The girl was convinced that the clapping audience secretly hated her work. But somewhere deep inside there was a spark of pride and it was growing stronger with every passing second.

Then the music abruptly stopped.

"It's uglier than cat puke!"

Marinette's parents covered her mouth and pointed at the stage. Out onto the catwalk stepped… Gabriel Agreste.

Dozens of news cameras broadcasted the image across the airwaves.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe this," Nadia Chamak whispered into the camera. "Social recluse Gabriel Agreste, who has not been seen in public since his wife's mysterious disappearance, has appeared. This segment of the news is brought to you by Exposition. It's the deodorant that tells a story."

Adrien locked eyes with his Father, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. He never thought his Father would make it. The man approached him, his arms spread wide like he wanted a hug. He only got to the first sunbeam, where his pale, _pale_ skin immediately began to smoke, sizzle, and burst into flames.

"AAAAAAAH! IT BURNS!"

Adrien quickly closed the distance and dive-tackled his Father out of harm's way. A few fire extinguishers later, Adrien and his Father were hugging each other on stage to the thunderous applause of everyone.

"Adrien," his Father said to him, "you're going to hear about some very terrible things I've done."

"Worse than the tax dodging?"

"Yes."

"Worse than the child slave labor in your third-world textile factories?"

"Yes."

"Worse than you secretly being Hawkmoth and mother being locked in the basement in a near-death state this entire time?"

His Father stared.

"I made that last one up to lighten the mood. You know, there's nothing you could do that could ever be as bad as that, Father. No matter what you do, I'll always love you because you're not Hawkmoth and I trust you. So tell me, what's the big bad thing?"

His Father wheezed, "Later."

_ Later: _

"Dammit, is it later already?" Gabriel checked the time while nervously loosening his collar.

The show had come to a close and most of the building had emptied. A few reporters here and there were recording snippets for the evening broadcast and the construction crew was already disassembling the catwalk. Gabriel thought his last hour as an average everyday bazillionaire who was not Hawkmoth would last longer, but it had flown by in what had felt like a quick scene transition.

"Your news conference is ready, sir," Nathalie informed him and pointed ahead. A lone microphone stood on a small stage marked _GABRIEL AGRESTE HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT!_ Such a declaration had brought the entire press core of the country. The news vultures were gathered, licking their lips in anticipation of the juicy drop. Nathalie continued, "No matter what happens, sir, I'll stand by you. Until they take you away in handcuffs and I legally have to stay as far away from you as the law requires. Until then, I'll stand by you."

Adrien approached, all smiles, "Is it time to hear your big secret, Fath—"

"Audrey!" Gabriel made an illegal left turn and sprinted for the Bourgeois family. He took the fashion critic's hand and gave it a kiss. "I heard about the _unforgivable _misfortune you had to endure. Truly, you are a martyr. Please, walk me through every moment of your suffering, don't skimp on the details, make it last as long as possible, I don't want to lose my son's love."

Audrey Bourgeois allowed a tiny smile in response to the show of humility. "hhhWell, there's no need to be dramatic."

"Please! I beg you!"

"No, no, hhhhlet's not overdo things, Gabriel."

Beyond all reason, Audrey Bourgeois really didn't want to complain. Gabriel glanced back at his waiting microphone, the press, and the squadron of cop cars who had just parked on the corner.

"Hey, what's this stage for?" Officer Roger asked a reporter.

"Gabriel Agreste is about to make a very important announcement."

"Really? Well, this I got to see, hear, and possibly take legal action on. Better warm up my gun." He fired a few rounds into the air.

Gabriel frantically searched for something, _anything_, to delay the inevitable. His sights landed on another family. "Look here! If it isn't the Dupain-Chengs!" The third group was quickly wrangled into the conversation. "Young Marinette here had her design on full display, Audrey. What did you think?"

"hhhYou mean about _this?_" Audrey swiped the feather-covered derby hat from Adrien's head. "This hhhhat is not a Gabriel Agreste. hhhYou, are hhhyou responsible for this?"

Marinette shrunk under Audrey's glare and then wretched out a noise that was a cross between a donkey's hee-haw and a goose honk.

Chloe gently stepped in. "Mommikins, I know it's your job to critique fashion, but it would be nice if you," she checked her nice-cards, "go easy on her? Whatever that means."

"Nonsense!" Gabriel eagerly implored. "Rip into her! Take your time! Make an essay out of it! I want to hear a feature-length diatribe! And a sequel! Make it a trilogy! Spin-offs! Cinematic universe!"

"hhhIt's the most..." Audrey lowered her 100% real pearl sunglasses and squinted at the hat. "...the most..."

Marinette prepared to run into traffic.

"...the most..."

Chloe shuffled through her nice-cards for the one on how to _nicely_ comfort a loser without sounding like a condescending bitch.

"...the most… exceptional thing I hhhhave ever seen! hhhYou're a visionary, Marinette! Glitter hhhhas hhhhad its day. _Feathers_ are the trend of tomorrow!"

"FEATHERS!" The roar of mindless trend-followers resounded down the street and the next leg of the endless rat race to be hip at all cost began.

Marinette gaped. "I whaaa...?"

Chloe gaped. "She whaaa…?"

Audrey continued, "I hhhhaven't felt this much emotion since..." she turned to Gabriel, "you."

Gabriel gaped. "You whaaa…?"

"Oh, I can feel the talent oozing hhhoff of this one," Audrey grabbed Marinette's face and inspected her teeth and gums like she was a racehorse. "hhhYes, hhhyes, the energy, the creativity, the hhhwild fury, hhhyou're perfect! Come to New York hhhwith moi, Marinette. I'll make you into the greatest fashion designer the hhhworld has ever known. Even better than Gabriel! hhhWho knows hhhhow much longer he's got."

Gabriel nervously glanced at the microphone and sweated bullets.

"No pressure, but my plane leaves at 8 pm tonight. So, hhhyou have less than 2 hours to make this potentially life-changing decision." Then she wrapped an arm around Marinette and proclaimed, "hhhWe'll do everything in the Big Apple! See Chinatown! hhhWalk Times Square! hhhYou'll be like the daughter I never had! Hmm, I think I'll call you… Chloe!"

_...Chloe…_

_...Chloe…_

_Chloe_

There are certain words that, when said by the right person with the right good deed, can be more powerful than magic. If this is true, then there are also certain words that, when said by the wrong person with enough heartlessness, can be more destructive than a hydrogen bomb.

This was such a combo.

_RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!_

Everyone stared down at the shredded remains of Chloe's nice-cards. The girl herself resembled a rabid dog, frothing at the mouth, blood vessels bursting in her eyes, guttural growls escaping her throat.

"You're not here for me," she seethed, her arm reaching into her purse. "You're not staying." Her hand coiled around something inside. "And even though I asked nicely, you won't take me with you to New York but you're taking Marinette FUCKING Dupain-Cheng?!"

"hhhHer name is Chloe," Audrey huffed.

"She's actually calling me Chloe," Marinette muttered. "What the actual fuck?"

"And I'm taking hhhher because she's exceptional, Claudette. She's… hhhwhat do the commoners say? hhhNot a disappointment."

This was the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back and then pushed that broken camel down some proverbial stairs, soaked the poor thing with a can of proverbial gasoline, and lit a proverbial match.

"FUCK YOU, MOM!" Chloe's mad declaration boomed down the street, drawing the attention of Nadia Chamak and her news crew. "MY CONSCIENCE WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU! MY CONSCIENCE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ALL OF YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK MARINETTE! AND FUCK BEING NICE!"

Chloe wrenched whatever she'd been reaching for out of her purse and everyone instinctively ducked for cover.

Except Marinette.

"Oh no," she whimpered at what she saw.

A golden glowing orb manifested from Chloe's hands and from that orb cackled a child's voice, "YEZ, YEZ!" The gold coalesced into a bee Kwami who grinned at the fearful people around it. "Good work, my zlave, you've brought me right to the heart of the reziztance. Now..." the Kawmi's amber eyes flashed and its grin morphed into a cruel grimace, "kill them all."

"You got it, conscience!" Chloe happily agreed, sticking the bee-comb into her hair. "Pollen, buzz on!" In a shockwave of gold, she transformed into a bee-themed hero! With her new superstrength, Chloe easily backflipped up to the rafters and struck a pose. "What do you think about me now, Mommikins? I am the great Queen Bee, hero of Paris, righter of wrongs, fighter of injustice! Aren't I exceptional?"

"hhhNo."

Harrowing silence.

"Fuck, lady, read the room," Marinette begged. "Lie if you have to!"

Queen Bee's eyes flashed amber. "What are you waiting for, my zlave?" she said in Pollen's voice. "I zaid kill them!"

"You're the boss, conscience," Queen Bee said and drew her Miraculous weapon: a bee-themed spinning top! "Burn in hell!" she yelled and threw the weapon down at the crowd. It missed completely, bounced off the floor, latched onto some distant rooftop and the rope attached to it dragged Chloe out of the building. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! HEEEeeeeEEEELP!"

"What's happening to our beloved daughter?!" Andre Bourgeois cried.

"Ugh, she always hhhwas such a showoff." Audrey brushed off the whole incident and sauntered away. "Anyway, Chloe, make your decision soon hhhand make sure it's the rrrright one."

"Chloe?" Marinette asked. "She just left—Oh wait, I forgot, I'm Chloe now."

"Well, this went in an unexpected direction," Gabriel said, smiling widely at the abandoned news conference. The entire press core that had come for Gabriel's confession had chased after Chloe, recording every second.

Nathalie pulled out her planner. "Should I reschedule, sir—"

"NOPE! Let's forget the whole thing and just go home."

Gabriel pushed both Adrien and Nathalie towards the limo. "But, Father," Adrien asked, "what was the big bad secret you wanted to tell me?"

"McDonald's! Your annual fast food meal has come early, Adrien!"

"It has? Yay! I want nuggets!"

"You'll get a salad and like it!"

The Agrestes piled into the limo and were driven away. Marinette meanwhile watched the sky. Her mind should've been overwhelmed with the atrocities a super-powered Chloe Bourgeois could bring. She should've been panicking about preventing World War III right now. But every doomsday scenario her imagination presented all required Chloe to be something she was not: competent.

Marinette shrugged off the whole incident and left.

Civilization had about 20 minutes left to go.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Queen Bee had somehow managed to hogtie herself to the top of a ferris wheel. "Well, this didn't work out. So, conscience, how does this whole nice thing work? Like, do other people who aren't me really matter or is that just a rumor? Say there are only 10 seats on the lifeboat of a sinking ship and 11 passengers but I need all the seats for my cute outfits—"

"What iz the meaning of thiz?" Pollen demanded. "You're zo uncoordinated. It'z like you've never phyzically uzed your body before."

"Well, yeah, conscience, I'm too rich to do things that require effort. Sabrina or the help always took care of the labor." Queen Bee stopped struggling. "I'm tired. Can you do it?"

"How dare you! I give the orderz, you obey!" Pollen glared at Paris. "Trixx never mentioned the human reziztance had control of a city. We muzt ztrike fear into their heartz! Cruzh what little hope they have under our might and eztablizh a new world order!"

"Are you sure, conscience? Wouldn't it be nicer if we asked for permission _before_ we took over the world?"

"Queztion me again, my zlave, and I will feazt on your entrailz!"

"Wow, not having to figure out what's right or wrong for myself makes life so much easier. Thanks, conscience." Queen Bee eventually wriggled out of her binds and scoured Paris. Her sights settled on the subway station. "That looks promising." She disassembled her spinning top into a phone and called Nadia Chamak.

_Meanwhile, in that subway:_

The Dupain-Chengs were riding the train back home, partying like it was 1969.

"I knew there was a reason we had a kid!" Tom said, jumping up and down. "We'll retire early in a New York penthouse and never bake another crummy croissant ever again!"

"All of our financial worries will be taken care of by our ultra-successful fashion designer daughter!" Sabine agreed, throwing confetti everywhere.

"And I'll request for Adrien to be my personal full-time model who lives in my bedroom!" Marinette squealed, dancing non-stop.

A cold spot in her thigh made Marinette stop and covertly peek into her purse. Tikki glared back at her. "Aren't you forgetting something? Only Ladybug can de-evilize Akumas. You already quit once so I can't switch to a new wielder. Are you really prepared to abandon this city and all the people in it to their fate?"

Marinette answered with more confidence than she had ever answered anything before. "Yes."

"Me too. Let's ditch this hellhole." And Tikki joined the celebration.

Unbeknownst to the party train, a new passenger was running along the outside. Queen Bee arrived at the head car and jumped into the steering room.

"Venom!" she shouted before the conductor could react, and her spinning top swelled with power. The point of the top jabbed into the conductor's arm.

"OW! AH! YOU STUNG ME! MOTHER—" The conductor fell backward and froze in place like he'd been petrified by Medusa. His hand, which gripped the speed lever, cranked the train to 300 miles per hour and stayed there. Metal screeched in the tunnel and the train lurched as it gained more speed. The passengers, including Marinette, began to panic. Then the many screens on the walls switched to a live broadcast of Queen Bee.

"Worry not, lessers! It is I, Chloe Bourgeois, A-K-A, Queen Bee, and I am here to rescue you!"

Every single passenger stared.

"Our lives are in the hands of _Chloe Bourgeois_? We're all gonna die!" a passenger screamed.

And the hysterical screaming commenced.

"Hey!" Queen Bee shouted over all of them. "I said I'm going to save you. Watch!" Queen Bee tilted the camera and the entire train witnessed Chloe's first-ever attempt at heroism. "This is just like the classic runaway trolley problem. Jean-Luke taught me the nice thing to do is throw yourself onto the tracks and stop the trolley with your body." She jumped in front of the speeding train and was immediately run over. The train didn't stop.

"We're all gonna die!" the same passenger screamed again.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

Gabriel rose into the room on his mini-elevator, bouncing with excitement. "This is it! This is what I've been waiting for!" He put the Moth Miraculous back on.

Nooroo returned to existence, mid-warcry, "AAAAAAAA—" and smacked into the wall.

"Nooroo, you're not going to believe this!" Gabriel cheered as he peeled the Kwami off the wall. "Of all people, Chloe Bourgeois has gotten her hands on a Miraculous!"

"I'll kill you, you sonuva—wait..." Nooroo's eyes widened. "Did you say Chloe has a Miraculous?"

Gabriel nodded, grinning like an idiot.

"That means… she's going to try to be a superhero and completely fuck up."

"Exactly!"

"Which means she'll get pissed off."

"Keep going!"

"And we can akumatize a…" the devious, evil smirk cracked across the Kwami's face, "a _Miraculous_!"

"I know! This changes everything! We can actually win! The dream team is back, baby! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Nooroo hesitated. "So, does this mean you're over the whole Never Akumatize Chloe Ever Again thing?"

Gabriel looked lost. "I said what now?"

"Nevermind, let's do this!"

The dynamic duo whooped and hollered before, in a pulse of powerful purple, they fused into Hawkmoth!

_On the train:_

"Baker Bash!" Tom cried, throwing his massive body against the door. The lock gave and The Baker and The Candlestick Maker were in the steering room. Tom tried to pull the conductor's hand from the trapped speed lever, but it was like the man was cemented into place. "I can't get him loose," he grunted.

"Don't worry, honey," Sabine assured. "This is a classic runaway train scenario. We pulled this plenty of times on The Owl. How did he stop the train?"

"The Emergency Brakes! Of course!" Tom reached under the controls and ripped the panel off. There they found Queen Bee just as she ripped the lever labeled _Emergency Brakes_ out of its socket.

"No need to worry, citizen," she proclaimed. "I've got this." Queen Bee used the lever as a club to bash a nest of important-looking wires apart. The train's speed doubled. "Uh… I meant to do that?"

While their doom was secured, Marinette ducked behind a chair and, in a flourish of red, transformed into a Ladybug. The heroine slipped out a window and on top of the train, where Chat Noir was waiting. The two raced to the head car and peered over the edge just in time to watch a wire-covered Queen Bee jump in front of the train and get run over again.

"Stay there, Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

And again.

"This train is no match for me!"

And again.

"I'm here to save the day!"

And again.

"Ugh, come on! Who do I have to pay to get you to stop?!"

And again.

Ladybug smiled with satisfaction and got comfy. "This is so therapeutic. I could watch this forever."

"M'Lady," Chat Noir gave her a stern look.

"Ugh, fine. We'll save her." Ladybug ran to the back of the train and lassoed the last car. Wrapping the unbreakable thread around her arms, she dug her feet into the rails and braced herself. The thread pulled taut and the train groaned against the hold of the immovable girl.

Chat Noir threw his staff ahead and it extended, blocking the tunnel entrance at the next station. The train rammed into the staff. Instead of coming to a jolting halt, like Chat Noir expected, the unbreakable staff sliced through the top half of the very breakable first few train cars like a knife. Eventually, the loose metal clogged the tunnel and the train stopped.

"Whoops," Chat Noir said. "Forgot how physics worked for a second."

As Chat Noir helped the shaken passengers off, Ladybug swung to the control room. Her parents cowered at the sight of her.

"Ah! It's Ladybug!" Tom screamed. "We had nothing to do with this, we swear—"

Sabine slapped a hand over his mouth. "Thank you so much for rescuing us average non-supervillain citizens, Ladybug. We shall go now and continue not being villains. Come along, honey." She dragged Tom out by the hairs of his mutton chops. Ladybug let them go with an eye roll and gave the conductor a punch on the chin.

"—FUCKER! WHAT THE HELL? Huh? What?" The conductor realized he was no longer petrified and quickly cranked the speed lever down to zero. The disaster had been averted.

The news reporters Queen Bee had called ahead of time were gathered on the platform, eagerly recording everything. Queen Bee bragged to all the lenses, "It was a good thing I was here to save everyone. Naturally, I had to step in, Ladybug and Chat Noir couldn't handle this on their own, I was merely doing the nice thing."

"CHLOE!" Ladybug tackled Queen Bee to the ground and put her in a headlock. "You get away with some serious merde, but not this time! You're finally going to fucking jail!"

"What?" she choked out. "But I saved every—"

"WE saved everyone! You played roadkill after you hijacked a train! That doesn't make you a hero! That makes you a failed terrorist!"

"But I was striking fear into the heart of the human filth like my conscience told me," the girl whimpered, looking very lost. "That's what it's for, right? It tells you what's nice, doesn't it?"

"Pollen is _not_ your conscience!" Ladybug roared. "If you can't tell that endangering hundreds of innocent lives just to make yourself look good isn't nice, then guess what? YOU DON'T HAVE A CONSCIENCE!"

Queen Bee said nothing.

Nadia stepped forward, holding up a tablet that shined with Audrey's face. "Chloe Bourgeois, we have your mother here live. Audrey, what do you have to say about your daughter Chloe's reckless behaviour?"

"hhhWho?" Audrey asked. "The only Chloe I know is the talented half-Chinese one I'm taking hhhwith me to New York. In fact, I plan to adopt hhhher as my own child."

Queen Bee said nothing.

"This is the end of the line for you, Chloe. Give me back that Miraculous." Without waiting for Chloe to complain, Ladybug reached for the hair-comb.

_BLAM!_

Queen Bee vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. Instead of the Miraculous, Ladybug's hand grabbed the squeaky plush head of Mr. Cuddly.

"What? No! Fuck! NO! Alix, why?!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at Chloe's house:_

In another blue mini-nuclear explosion, Queen Bee appeared on her bedroom balcony, still staring off into the distance. At long last, she spoke.

"What's wrong with me?" Chloe sniffled and reached for the Miraculous. "Why can't I be nice—"

Just before her fingers touched the comb, a black butterfly landed on the object and shattered. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"How's it going, Chloe? Been a while, huh?" Hawkmoth waved excitedly. "You ready to get some good old-fashioned revenge?"

Queen Bee said nothing.

Hawkmoth waited. "Chloe?"

Queen Bee said nothing.

Hawkmoth got worried. "Chloe? Yoo-hoo, you there?"

The tears dried, the sniffles ended, and Chloe's blue eyes flashed amber.

"Zo, Nooroo, you want to play?"

"Huh?" Hawkmoth replied, unsure how anyone could know the name of his Kwami. Then he heard Nooroo's fear-filled voice in the back of his head.

_This was a terrible mistake._

An invisible force flung Hawkmoth across the tower and pinned him against the wall. Every muscle of his body was held in place as he stared into the face of pure evil.

"Fine, let'z play. Thankz for the magic," Pollen purred and then let out the laugh which still haunted Hawkmoth's nightmares. The laugh that frightened demons. The laugh that told him he fucked up. The girl was swallowed by bubbling darkness!

And thus began the end of human civilization.

_ Later: _

Ladybug and Chat Noir kicked down the balcony doors and stormed into Chloe's room.

"Chloe, put your hands on your head and the Miraculous on the floor and you won't get hurt!" Ladybug lied, raring to fire her yo-yo at the first speck of blonde that crossed her path.

"Doesn't look like she's here—" Chat Noir started to say and then got a yo-yo to the jaw. "Ow! The hell?"

"Oops, sorry, forgot you were blonde. C'mon, let's check downstairs."

The duo took the elevator, ready to kick some ass. When the doors opened, they were greeted by a moment frozen in time. The lobby was filled with staff, guests, butlers, and chefs, all in mid-run, petrified in place, like the train conductor.

"But how?" Ladybug asked as she inspected a petrified Audrey who was forever frozen in a position that said _I've seen homeless bums pull of a better look_. "Chloe already used her super move once. She couldn't have done it this many times."

"Uh, LB… you should see this," Chat Noir gulped by the front door. Ladybug joined him and also gulped.

Paris was in ruins. Pillars of smoke rose from burning buildings in the distance. The streets were lined with petrified people, forever trapped in fear. The few humans that weren't stung were shackled with iron chains and dragged slabs of stone towards a partially constructed stone foot wearing the cutest kitten heel that was bigger than the Eiffel Tower.

"That wasn't there before!" Ladybug cried. "How long were we in this building?"

Chat Noir checked. "Two minutes."

"HOW?!"

"Amazing what you can accomplizh when you threaten the meaninglezz livez of puny humanz, am I right?" asked a third voice behind them.

The duo turned and saw, floating on a cloud of wasps that buzzed louder than a motorcycle engine, dressed mostly in black with sparse streaks of gold was Queen Wasp!

"Chloe! No!" Chat Noir gasped. Ladybug slapped a hand over his mouth.

"I don't think Chloe is in there," she whispered, taking note of the merciless amber eyes.

"It'z been too long, Tikki, Plagg," Pollen chuckled warmly at the heroes. "I'm ready to end the human—" Her eyes snapped to blue and Queen Wasp spoke, "Why the hell are you calling them those weird names? That's not—"

Quick as lightning, Ladybug shot across the room stuffed a fist in Queen Wasp's mouth. "Oh no, Pollen!" she practically shouted. "Your human puppet is overpowering you!"

"Mmph?" Pollen gawked at her.

"I know, crazy, isn't it?" Ladybug agreed, spewing the first thing that popped into her head. "It's this new, uh, s-s-s-sabotage tactic the human filth have devised, yeah, they-they-they say the most unbelievable lies to make you lower your guard. It's brainwashing! Isn't that right, Plagg?" She desperately nodded at Chat Noir.

Lost beyond all hope, Chat Noir nodded back.

"Whatever you do, Pollen, don't believe the human's lies!" Ladybug implored and even managed to shed a few tears. "No matter how much she says we're actually superheroes and the world has not been conquered by the Kwami master race, don't let her in your head! I can't bear to lose you too!"

Queen Wasp's eyes became blue and she shoved Ladybug off her. "Ew! When was the last time you washed that spandex? Ugh! And what are you talking about, Ladybug? Of course, you're superheroes—"

"Liez!" Pollen yelled. "I won't let you control me, human!"

"I'm not lying!" Queen Wasp retorted. "She's the liar!"

"Lalala! I can't hear you, human filth, and your obviouz liez!"

As the argument continued, Ladybug proudly wiped her hands clean, another job well done.

"What the hell was that?" Chat Noir asked.

"Oh," Ladybug glanced back and forth between the cat-boy to the bee-schizo. "Did I never tell you that the Kwamis are actually evil demons hell-bent on taking over the world?"

Chat Noir wheezed, "It never came up, no."

"Huh..." Ladybug awkwardly shuffled her feet. "Surprise…?"

A volley of wasps fired through the wall between them. On the other side of the room, Queen Wasp, whose eyes kept switching colors, stomped the floor and roared, "I don't care if you believe me or not. I'm here to take their Miraculous and that calls for machine guns made of wasps!"

Ladybug and Chat Noir turned pale.

Clouds of wasps gathered on Queen Wasp's fists and fired upon the heroes. The two separated and scrambled across the lobby as furniture and walls were obliterated by a hail of stingers.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Ladybug swore as she desperately swatted the neverending wasps away with her yo-yo. "Can Chloe get akumatized into a villain who sucks for once?"

"Did you say grenade made of wasps?" Queen Wasp shouted over the pandemonium.

Ladybug flinched. "Run! Get out of the building!"

"Because I heard grenade made of wasps!"

The ball of insects landed on the hotel's front desk, buzzing to the tempo of an unseen detonation timer. Ladybug and Chat Noir made it outside just before the—

_KABOOM!_

Wasps flew in every direction like shrapnel. Shielded by their weapons, the heroes leaped to the safety of a nearby rooftop.

"The Kwamis? Really?" Chat Noir asked between pants, "Including yours? Including _Plagg_?"

"Yeah. Haven't you ever wondered why your Kwami acts like a monster who constantly threatens to eat you and the ones you love?"

"Wait, your Kwami doesn't constantly try to help you by giving you questionable but still well-intentioned life advice?"

Ladybug stared at him. "No! What are you talking about? Our Kwamis came to Earth with the sole purpose of enslaving humanity!"

"Are you sure about that? Because if the rest of Kwamis are anything like Plagg, I don't really see them as the world-conquering type—"

A wall of wasps rose over them. Queen Wasp stood at the peak like a lone sentinel of death. "Did you say hands made of wasps big enough to throw buildings at you?"

"FUCK!" Ladybug screamed. "RUN!"

"Because I heard hands made of wasps big enough to—Oh, you get the point." The roof underneath Ladybug and Chat Noir's feet rumbled and shook. The two dashed for the next building and jumped across the alley just before the first one rose into the sky. Buzzing hands the size of semi-trucks held the uprooted building by its foundation and then aimed the structure at the heroes like a football.

Ladybug and Chat Noir didn't stop pumping their legs as hard as they could. All around them, landmarks struck the Earth like meteorites!

The Arc de Triomphe!

The Louvre!

The Grand Palais!

Notre Dame!

Some tower neither recognized but had an interesting butterfly-themed spiral window! "Help me!" Hawkmoth cried from inside.

"Chat, please don't suggest what I think you are about to suggest," Ladybug begged as they vaulted over a parapet seconds before it was obliterated by a marble statue.

"Sure, maybe the Kwami wanted to conquer the world at first, but if we all sit down and get to know one another, we could become friends," Chat Noir said as they swung around a chimney just before it was crushed by a cathedral.

As Queen Wasp raised the Pont Des Arts bridge over her head, her eyes flashed amber. "No!" Pollen cried out. "I won't let you hurt them!" The villain wrestled with herself for control and the bridge crushed the building right behind Ladybug and Chat Noir.

The duo jumped and they ran out of roof! Momentum kept them going, running on nothing but air for a few steps, as required by the Law of Cartoon Gravity. They both tumbled into the water of the Seine. Ladybug squinted up at the surface and blurrily saw the wall of wasps stop just before touching the water. They had escaped.

Using their weapons as oxygen masks, the duo swam downriver.

In the sky, Queen Wasp regained control and glared at the murky water, the smokey remains of Paris smoldered behind her. She glanced through the shattered spiral window of the crumbled hidden tower at Hawkmoth who was tied from head to toe with wasps.

"Mmm-mmmmm-mmmmph!" he whimpered at her.

"Did you say an army made of wasps powerful enough to take over the world?"

Hawkmoth wet his pants.

_ Downriver: _

Ladybug and Chat Noir pulled themselves onto a boat. Dripping and shivering, the heroes tried to catch their breath.

"You know," Chat continued, "I bet the Kwami are all a bunch of misunderstood undefined creatures who think they want to conquer the world but actually just want friends."

The overwhelming sweetness of his words made Ladybug vomit into the river. "Lucky Charm!" She tossed up her yo-yo and down came a polka-dotted snorkel.

"I bet that bee Kwami—what did you call her? Pollen? Yeah, I bet Pollen likes honey," Chat Noir said. "If we break the ice with a jar of the stuff, she'd probably be more than happy to let us show her how a world where Kwamis and humans live side-by-side could be great."

He waited for Ladybug to agree with him and suggest where to get some honey. Instead, she stared at the snorkel with absolute disinterest for what felt like a full minute. Then she handed the snorkel to him.

"Sure," she said. "You go and do that."

Without another word, she swung away.

"Wait! M'Lady! Where are you—"

But she was long gone.

_ Later: _

A lone upside-down trash can slid across the street and into the Grand Paris luxury hotel. Behind the can trailed a long black belt.

"No need to worry, this plan is foolproof," Chat Noir assured himself inside the can. He tightened his grip on his gift basket: a jar of honey, the polka-dotted snorkel, and a rubber ducky inner tube he'd gotten from the trash. He figured he could take the Kwami snorkeling on the Seine as their first activity as friends. There was no way this could backfire.

He eventually made it into the elevator and rode it to the top floor. He could hear the thrum of the wasps overhead and imagined Queen Wasp was just above, floating on her personal cloud. He pulled off the trash can and proceeded to sing his favorite Disney song.

"I can show you the world—"

His jaw dropped mid-note.

Queen Wasp was indeed floating as he predicted but she was addressing an endless sea of wasps that reached past the horizon!

"We will take all of Europe and spread my influence across the oceans!" Queen Wasp proclaimed, her magically charged voice reverberating into the heavens.

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!" the armada buzzed back.

"None shall be able to abandon me or take the girl I hate as a new daughter! I will never be left behind ever again! I WILL BE LOVED!"

"D'awww," Chat Noir cooed. "Chloe just wants to be loved."

The villain snapped around. Her death-glare was the physical manifestation of murder itself.

"Um…" He forced a smile and held his arms open for a hug. "I love you?"

"YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! YOU DON'T COUNT!" A tidal wave of wasps rose behind her, casting half of Paris in darkness.

Chat Noir's stomach sank. There was no sign of Ladybug anywhere. He was on his own. He didn't know what to do. What could he do? What would LB do?!

He knew the answer to that question.

With every ounce of his super strength, Chat Noir chucked the polka-dotted snorkel at Queen Wasp!

"Ow! My nose!"

He chucked the jar of honey!

"Ow! My nose again!"

He chucked the rubber ducky inner tube!

It bounced harmlessly off her nose with a squeak. "Stop throwing junk at my nose!"

"IT'S HOW I HERO!"

Chat Noir donned the trash can like armor and launched himself with his staff at Queen Wasp! He became a human torpedo of justice, righteousness, and proper recycling! The move was so abrupt and unexpected, the Akuma didn't have time to react.

_CRASH!_

The impact to her nose carried both Chat Noir and Queen Wasp up and away from the wasp army. The trash can fell behind as the two careened through the air, wrestling to overpower their opponent. As they soared, Chat Noir noticed they were headed straight for the Seine.

"Yes!" he said. "Yes, yes, yes, yes—"

And then they kept flying past the Seine.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

They crash-landed on a road about half a block from the shore and the safety of the water. Queen Wasp cackled, "Oh, did your big plan not work, kitty? Guess you're still the useless sidekick after all."

"Not a side—"

A wall of black darkened the street. Chat Noir slowly turned and saw the entire wasp armada gathered into one impossibly tall pillar, looming over him. At that moment, he knew every single one of them was going to sting him.

"Mommy," he mewled.

"Don't say that word!" Queen Wasp roared. She aimed a finger at the boy. "Get hi—" She convulsed. Spasms ran up her body and her eyes flashed amber.

"Plagg," Pollen struggled to say. "I can't ztop the human filth for long. You need to get away."

"No, no! This is perfect!" Chat Noir took her hands. "Don't you see? You don't need to fight each other."

Pollen stared at him. "...Huh?"

"We have a chance here to not fight, but to instead find common ground." Chat Noir radiated hope and enthusiasm. "Tell me, Pollen, you don't really want to take over the world, do you? Deep down, you know that what you really want is a friend, right?"

For a moment, Pollen considered his words and Chat Noir truly believed he had reached her. It was time for the song. He took a deep breath and sang.

"I can show you the world—"

She grabbed his throat. "Plagg, your human haz taken you over!" she said. "Don't panic, I will kill the filth and free you!"

As Chat Noir was slowly strangled to death, Ladybug calmly walked over and asked him, "So, how did peace go? Did peace work?"

"NO!" he choked out. "HELP! VIOLENCE! USE VIOLENCE!"

"Way ahead of you."

_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!_

Dust clouds erupted down the street, blinding both Chat Noir and Queen Wasp. When they could see again, the wasp army was gone. The road was painted with insect guts and at the center of the gooey slaughter was a giant stone foot.

Queen Wasp wheezed, "How did—When did—"

Ladybug punched her in the face. The villain dropped to the ground, out cold. "Good job distracting her, Chat Noir," she said, picking up Queen Wasp's limp body and holding her out to him. "Here, use Cataclysm on her Miraculous."

Chat Noir was too awestruck by the larger than life stone foot. "H-H-How did you lift…"

"I used my arms," Ladybug shrugged, her claws discreetly retracting.

"But—"

"Chat," she smiled emptily at him and the boy could've sworn for a second her teeth looked like fangs, "don't worry about it."

Still shaking, Chat Noir used Cataclysm on the Miraculous and released the Akuma. Ladybug quickly de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

Paris was rebuilt.

The petrified people were freed.

Hawkmoth's tower was put back in place. "Okay, lesson learned," he said. "I am never akumatizing Chloe ever again. Never ever, never, _never!_"

_And I am never akumatizing a Miraculous again,_ Nooroo concurred. _That is until I have more power…_

Back in the city, Queen Wasp had become Chloe again and she clutched the Bee Miraculous to her chest. The girl was sorrowful and on the verge of tears.

"All right, let's do this!" Ladybug happily stretched her yo-yo string into a pair of handcuffs. "Chloe Bourgeois, I hereby sentence you to be hung by your thumbs from the Eiffel Tower until your hair turns gray—"

"WHOA! M'Lady!" Chat Noir held her back. "Maybe you should think about this?"

Ladybug tapped her chin. "Let's see… She stole a magical weapon, hijacked a train, and nearly killed hundreds _before _she was akumatized... You're right, Chat Noir, I'm going way too easy on her. You can't wear pants either, Chloe."

"That's not what I meant!"

A news van pulled up and Nadia Chamak jumped out with the same tablet showing Audrey's face. "Mrs. Bourgeois, do you have anything to say about Chloe?"

"hhhWho?"

"Your daughter."

"hhhWho?"

"The girl right in front of us."

"I hhhaven't the foggiest idea hhhwho you're talking about, but if hhhyou mean that gaudy bee-girl, then she has proven hhhwithout a doubt that there's hhhnothing exceptional about her."

Chloe sank to the ground, utterly destroyed.

"See, Bugaboo?" Chat Noir said. "She's been punished enough."

Ladybug didn't flinch. "No, she hasn't."

"I'm sure she'll learn from this experience."

"No, she won't. She's going to do what she always does and go straight back to her old bitchy self."

Then Chloe gave the Bee Miraculous to Ladybug and slipped her thumbs into the cuffs. The heroine nearly jumped at the sudden surrender.

"I was… wrong," Chloe said meekly.

Ladybug and Chat Noir gaped.

Nadia fainted.

Somewhere in the depths of hell, a patch of ice formed. Several demons slipped and fell.

"I'm not good at being nice, Ladybug, I'm sorry," Chloe continued. "I try and I try but I always end up burying someone who is not as important as me alive or ruining a lesser's happiness or hijacking a train of nobodies. I'm a terrible person."

"No argument here," Ladybug agreed, quickly recovering. "Okay, drop your pants and let's string you up."

"M'Lady!"

"What?!" She glared at Chat Noir. He glared right back. "No! Fuck you! I won't forgive Chloe! Chloe doesn't deserve to be forgiven! She could save the world, cure cancer, end homelessness, and bring peace to the Middle East and I still wouldn't forgive Chloe! I don't care if that messes her up in the future! Nothing could be worse than—"

_BLAM!_

Ladybug vanished a blue mini-nuclear explosion. In her place was a mummified candelabra. Chat Noir, Chloe, and the reporters waited on the street, unsure what they should do.

"I forgive you," Chat Noir offered.

"You're not Ladybug, you don't count," Chloe scoffed.

Another blue mini-nuclear explosion and Ladybug returned. She was caked with ash and trembling with wide haunted eyes like she had just witnessed a nuclear holocaust. She immediately grabbed Chloe in a frantic hug. "I forgive you! I forgive you! I forgive you!"

"You do?" Chloe said, her eyes glistening with tears of joy. "Oh thank you, Ladybug. You won't regret this, I promise I'll become a better person."

"You fucking better or we're all dead!" She pushed Chloe off her and trundled away.

Chat Noir followed her and asked, "What did you see—"

She punched him through a building. "Don't ask!" Ladybug shuddered. "Don't you ever ask that and make me relive that nightmare!"

* * *

_Later at a park:_

Audrey tapped her foot impatiently by her waiting helicopter. "hhhWhere is that girl? Doesn't she know my time is more valuable than hhhers?"

"Right here!" Marinette called, dragging a suitcase behind her. Following on her heels were her parents, draped with several American flags.

"We're ready to switch citizenships!" Tom cheered, double-fisting two Bud Lights.

"Screw the European Union!" Sabine agreed, noshing on a corn dog topped with apple pie.

"hhhFinally," Audrey said. "Get on, Chloe and Chloe's former parents. Greatness ahhhwaits."

"Wait," Marinette said, "before we go, Mrs. Bourgeois—"

"hhhPlease, Chloe, call me mom."

Marinette awkwardly glanced at Sabine who eagerly nodded. "Okay, _mom_, before we go, I need to repair one last relationship in order to save the future. So, I think there's someone you should talk to."

Everyone turned to see the real Chloe sheepishly approach.

"Oh, it's _you_," Audrey sneered. "What do you want, Harold?"

Chloe tried to speak, but her words got caught in her throat. Of all people, she looked to Marinette for courage and asked, "Why don't you love me, mom?"

"hhhWhy don't I love you? hhhYou want a list?" Audrey replied without a second of hesitation. "hhhWell, for starters, hhhyou destroyed my hhhhips. Do hhhyou rrreally think my bod hhhwas this rrrrocking after I squeezed hhhyou out? No! I hhhhad to go through five plastic surgeries and hhhnearly a decade of physical therapy to get back to a ten. I used to be an eleven before I hhhhad you! You little piece of—"

"Stop! Stop!" Marinette jumped in. "Wow, okay, not what I was expecting. You were supposed to be shocked that your own daughter thinks you hate her and reveal that you really love her but have a hard time showing it."

"hhhNo. I just hate her."

"What does the mayor see in you?"

"hhhI'm an animal in the sack."

"I bet you are," Sabine flirted. Tom stared at his wife, rather confused.

Marinette groaned and went over to Chloe. She grabbed the blonde's shoulders and said, "Chloe, it's time you showed your mom the real you."

"W-What?!" Chloe sputtered. "B-But I—"

"You're trying to be nicer, I know and I appreciate the effort, but that's not who you are."

"It's… It's not?"

"The Chloe I know wouldn't take this crap, not even from her own mother. The Chloe I know doesn't walk over people, she rides on the back of Sabrina who does all the walking over people for her. Chloe is heinous, pompous, the worst person I have ever met and… she taught me something."

"I did?"

"She taught me that sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes nice isn't enough. Sometimes…" Marinette jerked a thumb at Mrs. Bourgeois, "you need to slap a bitch."

A bird tweeted in the distance. A breeze blew through the leaves. A tear rolled down Chloe's cheek.

"Marinette… thank you."

She stepped around the girl and approached her mom. Chloe stared up into the woman's eyes, her soul burning with resolve. Then she grabbed Marinette's suitcase and whacked Audrey across the head.

"Whoa!" Marinette screamed. "Chloe, no, I didn't mean literally!"

Another blow knocked Audrey off her feet and into the helicopter. Chloe climbed in after her and started choking the pilot.

"FLY!" she ordered.

The chopper lifted into the air. The Dupain-Chengs could only watch in horror as Audrey fell out. A rope tied to the woman's leg snapped taut and she hung over twenty feet in the air upside-down. Her pearl sunglasses fell the rest of the way and shattered on the park fountain. Chloe held a knife to the rope.

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO NEW YORK!" she screeched.

"What?!" Audrey shouted, "What are you doing?!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO STAY HERE IN PARIS AND WE'RE GOING TO BE A FAMILY!"

"Stop this utterly rrrridiculous act this instant, Clarinet—"

The knife slashed at the rope and for a second the Dupain-Chengs feared she would fall. A fresh gash frayed but the rope stayed whole.

"SAY MY NAME!" Chloe screeched.

"Huh?"

The blade pressed against the rope again. "YOU GAVE IT TO ME, NOW SAY IT! SAAAAAAY! MYYYYYYY! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!"

Audrey searched her memory. "Um, uh, your name is, uh, uh, uh," but she came up empty. "It's, um, um, um, uh." Her sights landed on Marinette who was desperately pointing at herself. Audrey blinked. "Chloe?"

"YOU'RE ASTRUC-DAMN RIGHT!"

_ Later: _

The helicopter was safely back on the ground and Audrey's arms were wrapped tightly around her real daughter. "Oh, Chloe, I hhhhad no idea you hhhwere so rrrruthless."

"You're not mad?" Chloe asked.

"Mad?" Audrey scoffed. "I hhhwas convinced you hhhad grown into a spineless coward like your father, but I see now hhhyou are a coldhearted bitch just like your mother." Unexpected tears streaked down her face. "hhhWhat? hhhWhy am I crying?"

"Um, I think that's motherly pride," Sabine suggested.

"Ugh!" Audrey gagged. "Is this hhhwhat being a parent is like? I'll hhhhave to spend an even bigger fortune on eyeliner if I'm staying."

Chloe tensed. "Wait, you're… staying?"

"I suppose I must," Audrey huffed. "If I am to make sure my daughter doesn't become a pushover. hhhWhich means I can no longer offer you a job, Martha."

Marinette "Martha" Dupain-Cheng's eye twitched. "What?! No! NO! I could still work in New York, far, _far_ away from this awful city. You don't have to be there."

"hhhNope. Chance of a lifetime is officially gone. Come along, Chloe, let's leave Maria and hhhher less than adequate caregivers hhhwallow in their inadequacy."

"Thank you," Chloe mouthed at Marinette and eagerly followed her mom to start life anew.

Marinette dropped to her knees. She couldn't believe what had just happened. In the blink of an eye, it was gone. Her golden ticket out of this terrible superhero trap and into the perfect life was gone. Sabine put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Don't let this get you down, honey," she said. "There'll be other opportunities. None as lucrative or as ideal as working your dream job with the support of the most influential fashion critic on Earth, but it's not the end of the world, right, Tom?"

"I already sold the house," Tom replied.

"YOU WHAT?!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, under the Agreste Mansion:_

"Gooooood news, Emi-poo!" Gabriel sang, trotting into the cathedral with a truckload of flowers.

Emilie was still a corpse.

"No, I didn't let you go and remarry. Hahaa! Who would I even marry? Nathalie? Pffft, don't be silly. I came down here to tell you that I've decided to keep going." He dumped the millions of flowers next to the coffin and struck a power pose. "I'm not giving up on you. I won't stop until we're together again. And my friend and partner Nooroo is going to help, right, Nooroo?"

"Sure, whatever," Nooroo sighed. "Just keep feeding me power by akumatizing people."

"What was that, Emi-poo?"

Emilie never stopped being a corpse.

"Am I going down a dark path that I can never hope to come out on the other side of as the same person? No, I'm just heading back to my office. What an odd question." He kissed the coffin. "Okay, we gotta go. Bye, Emi-poo."

_ Later: _

Gabriel rose into his office on the mini-elevator. "It's a brand new day!" he proclaimed with a deep invigorating breath.

"I take it that we're not going with the Turn Yourself In plan?" Nathalie asked from the door.

"Nope! We're going with the same tried and true akumatize anyone I see, except Chloe, plan and not changing a single detail."

Nathalie stepped out, heaving a groan. She shut the doors behind her and leaned against them. What she had nearly done today still weighed heavily on her mind. At that moment, she decided that standing around and waiting to be saved was no longer an option.

_("What a day, huh?")_ Duusu chuckled in her head. _("Talk about _cutting _it close. Hahaha!_ _Things got a bit_ choppy _there. Heeheehee! Don't tell me you've got an _ax _to grind with me. Okay, that last one is a little too on the nose. It needs work.")_

Nathalie yawned.

_("...Excuse me?")_ Duusu asked, sounding offended. _("Did you just—")_

Nathalie yawned again, even deeper.

_("Am I _boring _you?")_ Duusu's eye audibly twitched.

"Hmm?" Nathalie made a show of looking absolutely uninterested. "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt your bragging about how you forced me to almost kill Mr. Agreste for the _umpteenth_ time_._ It's just that you've done it so much, Duusu, you've gotten predictable."

_("PREDICTABLE?!") _The walls rattled with Duusu's barely contained fury. _("How dare you! I am Duusu! I make the platypus look as plain as white bread! No one knows what I'll do next!")_

"Are you going to make me your puppet to kill Mr. Agreste?"

_("No!")_ Duusu responded a little too quickly. _("That joke has gotten stale. I, uh, um, uh, my next plan is going to totally blow your mind, Nat! Yeah, it's so out there that even I don't know what it is yet!")_

"Really?" Nathalie theatrically gasped and fell in a dramatic swoon. "I certainly hope your diabolical plan doesn't include you helping me make Mr. Agreste realize that he doesn't need to bring his wife back and all the love he could ever need is right here in front of him."

_("Wait, do you mean like...")_ Duusu gasped. _("OOOooohoohoohoo, Nat, that is both the sweetest and most twisted thing I have ever heard! It's perfect! Yes! This is it! You fool, you've given me my next plan! NAT, I'M GOING TO GET GABE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!")_

"You monster!" Nathalie cried, hiding her smile.

_("AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!") _Duusu laughed crazily and then belted out like it was a warcry, _("I CALL MAID OF HONOR!")_

* * *

_At the formerly Dupain-Cheng's:_

"You sold our house to _Alya_?!" Marinette screamed.

"I figured since she's your friend I'd get a good price, and she'd happily sell it back to us if New York didn't work out," Tom excused. "I was wrong."

"How can you even afford our house?" Marinette demanded of the smug bespectacled girl in what used to be their kitchen.

"Bit-coin," Alya shrugged. "Now, as your new landlord, I say part of your rent includes you all playing video games for my _Let's Play Video Games to Keep Food on the Table_ blog."

The Dupain-Chengs miserably sat around the TV and started playing Ultimate Mecha Strike III while Alya livestreamed them.

"Keep those smiles up and remember to tell the viewers to 'like and subscribe' or else I'll cut your electricity."

Marinette played the game, already plotting her revenge on Chloe.

END

_We're about a third of the way done._

_PS - The people have spoken! The weekly release schedule is the norm!_


	12. 11 My Daddy Is A Dictator

_Last Week: Oh, Corona Virus? Yeah, sure, I'll wash my hands, whatever._

_This Week: HOLY FUCK! And I thought my fics escalated quickly!_

_But seriously, guys, take care of yourselves and don't put others at risk. I'll be here to entertain you and keep the VOICES at bay. Everyone leave a review so I know you're alive!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_WAIT, WAS THAT A STAR WARS REFERENCE OR IS THAT YOU, DAD?_

_{For the love of—Quit stalling and just continue the Prologue Saga...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 11: My Daddy Is A Dictator  
_By: I Write Big

Sometimes all it takes is the sudden weight of responsibility to turn someone's life around. The most famous example of this is King Henry V who, after being crowned, went from being a lazy drunkard to a mature tactician who was so famous that he got his own Netflix movie. Yes, power can make children into adults.

But most of the time power goes straight to people's heads. In the case of Chloe Bourgeois, power tripled her already transcendentally large ego.

"Welcome to my secret lair!" Chloe said to the camera. She was dressed like Queen Bee and sitting in front of what looked like a kid's clubhouse version of the Batcave. Important computers and consoles made of cardboard and several solid gold statues of Chloe filled the background. "I may be physically, intellectually, and aesthetically superior to you all, but that doesn't mean I can't be nice and fill your poor, _poor_ lives with meaning by telling you all about my thrilling day!"

_Knock-knock-knock._

"Who could that be?" Chloe answered the cardboard door labeled in crayon _Queen BeeHive Secret Entrance_ and found Chloe dressed like Ladybug. "Oh, it's Ladybug, my closest and possibly soon to be with-benefits friend! What brings you here?"

"I just stopped by to tell your fans, which I'm sure you have thousands of, how great you are. I admire you so much and really appreciate how you've taught me what it means to be nice. In fact, you are the nicest person I have ever met, Chloe Bourgeois. You're so nice."

"You flatter moi," Bee-Chloe haughtily chuckled, "Keep going."

"You never cause a mess, have amazing hair, and always get me and Chat Noir out of trouble. I am proud to call you my friend and the sister I never had."

Bee-Chloe suddenly teared up. "Really? We're friends? You mean that?" Real tears flowed down her face. "Oh, Ladybug, I'm so happy! I love you!" Wailing like a baby, she dashed off-screen, knocking the camera around. The focus went fuzzy for a second and then the entire class saw a tear-stained Bee-Chloe making out with a polka-dotted mannequin.

"Ivan confused," Ivan said as Chloe's video on the classroom projector was paused. "Why Ladybug become statue?"

"Yeah," Rose agreed, "And since when was she a blonde?"

Marinette massaged her head. "That's not Ladybug! The fact that you haven't figured it out yet… I bet you two actually believe Dora the Explorer is really talking to you through the TV." Ivan and Rose stared at her in shock.

"...She's not?" they whispered and burst into tears.

"I didn't mean it!" Marinette quickly said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Chloe," Miss Bustier cut in. "You better have a good explanation for why you did your assignment on yourself, otherwise I'll have to give you an F." She sensually licked her lips and lecherously purred, "And you know what F stands for."

"The assignment was to do a report on someone important in French history and as the sexiest hero the world has ever known I actually saved Paris. Ladybug even said so." Chloe hit a button on the remote and a news clip of the real Ladybug started.

"You played roadkill after you hijacked a train!" the superhero screamed at Queen Bee. Chloe scrambled to stop the video that had over 50 million views. "That doesn't make you a hero! That makes you a failed terrorist!"

The projector turned off.

"Out of context. You had to be there. Fake news," Chloe excused. This earned her roars of laughter from the class. Even—Chloe gasped—SABRINA!

"TRAITOR!" Chloe ripped the Dom pin off the redhead's vest. "You don't deserve this!"

"No! I've failed you, mistress! Forgive me!" Sabrina groveled at her feet.

As this humiliation went on, Alix tiptoed around the room and slipped mini-scripts into her classmate's hands.

"Hey, yeah," Alya said, reading off her script. "You're terrible at this superhero thing, Chloe. You caused more destruction than most of the Akumas you helped create. That is surprisingly both accurate and hurtful."

"Totally," Nino concurred, reading off his script. "You had superpowers for, like, five minutes and went absolutely out of control, dude. Wow, thanks, Alix."

"Chloe, I speak for all of Paris as I read Alix's words out loud," Marinette cleared her throat and read, "You don't deserve to be a superhero."

Chloe clenched her fists. From her nice lessons, she knew the nice thing to do would be to let them say what they wanted and let it go, but that last jab from Marinette went too far. Old Chloe flared up and shouted, "You think you're better than me?! You haven't even seen a billion-euro bill, you peasants! You will pay for those words, Dupain-Cheng! You will all pay!"

Boiling up a storm, Chloe stomped out of the room. The class watched the dramatic exit with worry.

"Is she going to hire a hitman to kill us all?" Mylene asked.

"Not this time," Alix said with a knowing smile.

* * *

_Later at City Hall:_

Mayor Andre Bourgeois stood proudly at his desk as he finished the ceremony, "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Philippe the ice skater wrapped his arms around the woman-shaped chunk of ice in the wedding dress and planted a wet kiss on her.

"Mister Mayor, is this even legal?" one of the Mayor's aids asked.

"Who am I to stand in the way of love?"

"Help! I'm stuck!" Philippe cried, his tongue now attached to the ice.

The doors were kicked open by Chloe and her mommikins. "Congrats, you're married," Audrey said. "I hhhhope your dick doesn't get frostbite during the hhhhoneymoon. hhhNow, get out!"

The entire wedding party and mayoral staff were shoved out of the room.

"My sweetie pies!" Andre said. "What a happy surprise visit—"

"Can it, Asparagus!" Audrey pounded a perfectly manicured fist on the desk. "Those hhhwretched lessers in that unworthy school dared to hhhutterly hhhhumiliate our daughter Chloe! hhhYou are going to put a ten million eurrro bounty on every hhhead in hhher class!"

"Yeah!" Chloe pounded her fist on the desk enthusiastically before her brain caught up with her mouth. "No, wait, no!"

"hhhYou're right, Chloe, that's too cheap. hhhWe want the killers who take prrride in their hhhwork. Make it twenty million!"

"No!" Chloe insisted.

"hhhNo?" Audrey asked.

"No?" Andre asked.

Chloe was just as confused as her parents. The girl didn't know why or how but when her mom said the idea out loud, putting a hit on her classmates didn't sound… nice. It was so strange. There weren't any nice-cards or lessons that covered the ethics of hiring assassins, Chloe just… knew. "Ummmm, I don't think daddikins and his measly government salary can afford that...?"

Audrey groaned. "hhhYou're rrrright. And I'm certainly hhhnot going to spend my money." She grabbed her husband's many chins and brought him to his knees. "Teardown that school immediately, Anchovies."

"By teardown, my darling," he quivered, "I assume you mean shut it down for a few weeks?"

"hhhNo. Demolish it. Rrrrip it down to its foundation and install a golden statue of our prrrecious daughter so the commoners never forget their place again."

Again, Chloe didn't know why, but she instantly knew this wasn't nice either.

Her daddy kept protesting despite his trembling. "Perhaps that's a bit too far, my darling. Chloe has always been too good for her classmates, maybe switching schools would be better."

Audrey stroked her chin. "Pay the peasants to transfer their ugly golem-children to schools in the rat-infested slums? I like that idea."

"N-No, I meant Chloe-kins switch schools."

"Us do something sensible? Next you'll be suggesting hhhwe actually pay our taxes. Ugh!" Audrey drew back, disgusted. "hhhWe need to switch cities, that's hhhwhat hhhwe'll do." She grabbed Chloe and dragged her out of the office.

"What?!" Andre squawked.

"hhhWe're moving to New York!"

Andre sprinted after them only to have his path blocked by the servants already wheeling out piles and piles of packed luggage, hot tubs, an entire beauty parlor, and enough solid gold stilettos to shod an army. His dear wife was on her phone booking their private jet.

"Audrey, darling, please, I can't be Mayor of Paris from New York. Chloe, you're against this, aren't you?"

"Actually," Chloe smiled, finally sounding sure of herself again, "the nice thing to do when someone makes fun of you is to be the bigger person and walk away. So if we go halfway around the world to New York, I will be the biggest and nicest person in my entire class. Let's go!"

"It's agreed then," Audrey said. "Chloe and I hhhwill move to New York and you, Achilles, hhhwill stay hhhhere unloved, alone, and fat."

"Yay, running away from my problems is the right thing to do!" Chloe cheered as she and her mommikins left.

Andre, unable to stop them, collapsed to the floor… terrified.

_Meanwhile, somewhere in Paris:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man thinking he was looking in a mirror. "A man of power feeling helpless as a father?" Hawkmoth chuckled ominously and then burst into unexpected tears. "I can so relate! I mean, jeez, he's about to lose his entire family and he can't fix it no matter how rich he is! That is so me!"

Through the tears, Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies with darkness.

_On the roof of City Hall:_

The helicopter shut its doors and lifted off, taking Audrey and Chloe away forever. Then the helicopter flew to the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel, uprooted the building and its foundation with some towing cables, and kept going. Andre chased them to the roof's edge and collapsed to his knees. His family was gone, his hotel was gone, everything was gone. Then the black butterfly shattered on his mayoral sash and a pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Bro, I know how you feel, bro," Hawkmoth's tears became tears of inspiration. "But you can't stop now! You have to keep fighting for your family! Never give up, bro!"

"Bro! You're right, bro!" Andre cried back, crying tears of manly pride as well.

"Bro!"

"Bro!"

"Bruh!"

"Bruh!

"BRUUUUUUUUUH!"

The bro-gasm was punctuated by Andre being swallowed by bubbling darkness.

* * *

_Later, at the school:_

Marinette gagged at her lunch which consisted of a blended mixture of ketchup, mustard, Oreos, mayonnaise, ghost pepper hot sauce, potato chips, raw eggs, moldy onions, Nutella, several fish skeletons, and what appeared to be wet clumps of actual dirt and grass. An oily bubble popped with a moist _GLOOP_. Meanwhile, Alya primed her phone to stream to her _Technically It's Food_ blog.

"As your landlord, Marinette, I say part of your rent now includes you finding and eating the worms inside that slop without using your hands."

The bluenette turned green. "They're _gummy_ worms, right?"

Alya grinned. "Maybe."

Before this went further, a freaking helicopter dragging a hotel swooped close to the cafeteria's window and hovered over the school courtyard. The entire student body came out and gawked at what they saw. Chloe was sticking her head out of the chopper with a megaphone.

"Attention, people who aren't better than me," Chloe said, "instead of killing you all I've decided to do the nice thing and move to New York with my mom. Don't try to pathetically beg me to stay, I've made up my mind. But, since I know you can't live your worthless lives without seeing my face every day, and because I'm so nice, I've printed a couple of headshots." She dumped several tons worth of photos of herself on the school. "Make them last. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The helicopter flew away.

Silence reigned as the photos rained. No student dared to make a sound. They all waited for the _whump-whump-whump_ of the helicopter blades to return, for Chloe to pop out of the ground like a mole and laugh at their stupid faces, for this obvious lie which was too good to be true to stop. But none of that happened. The _whump-whump-whump_ grew too faint to hear. The photos settled on the ground. Chloe didn't appear.

One last headshot landed in Marinette's hands and with its touch came the lifting of a great weight. The girl feared to believe it but her heart grew bolder with each Chloe-less second. She stepped carefully forward, eyes glued to the empty sky… and the song took hold.

"Could it be..." she sang, the notes cautious yet hopeful.

"Don't say it!" Alya sang back, terror holding her in place.

"Could it be?" Marinette repeated, the notes stronger and braver.

"Don't say it!" the entire school chanted in chorus.

"Could it be!" Marinette's voice rang to the heavens.

"Don't say it!" Alya begged. "The moment you do, she'll come running back!"

The entire school held its breath.

Marinette dared to look away from the sky and sang her heart out, "Guys, I think we're freeeeee!"

Everyone cowered. They waited for the dream to come to a tragic end. Then Sabrina bolted out of the school, crying, "Mistress, wait for me!"

Marinette giggled, "See?"

"WE'RE FREE!" the entire school sang.

Someone pulled the _Chloe is Gone_ alarm and the confetti cannons fired! Streamers were tossed left and right! The school marching band pulled out their instruments and carried the song! A spotlight shined from somewhere on Max as he tap-danced down a staircase!

MAX  
"In the infinite cosmos, I could never fathom a person could be so mean!  
I attempted to study her in hopes there were answers that I could gleam!  
But she caught me and called me a creep who a girl wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole!  
From my findings, the only conclusion is that instead of a heart she had a bottomless black hole!  
Fuck that bitch!"

EVERYONE  
"Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch!"

As the chorus line high-kicked their way across the school, the music bounced through the halls and the fire alarm lights spun on the ceiling. A stage rose from the center of the crowd and on it stood Juleka, hitting power chord after power chord on her electric guitar.

JULEKA  
"For three long years, I lived in fear of a li'l pink girl with a knife!"

ROSE  
"That's me!"

JULEKA  
"It might've been manageable if a blonde monster wasn't in my life!  
She called me witch, vampire, zombie, weeb, every name in the book!  
I had barely any joy in my life and what little I had she always took!  
Fuck that bitch!"

EVERYONE  
"Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch!"

Fog machines pumped their stuff from the roof and the spotlight swiveled to the Principal's office. The door burst open and out slid Damocles wearing a sequin jacket. He flew across the schoolyard on wires as he gave the world his ballad.

DAMOCLES  
"When I started my career, I truly believed I would never leave a child behind!  
Then I met Chloe Bourgeois and she instantly made me change my mind!  
Rarely do you meet a girl and realize the human race would be better off!  
You might think I'm mean, but I'll just remind you it's Chloe and you'll scoff!  
Fuck that bitch!"

EVERYONE  
"Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch!"

Marinette twirled through the dancing ranks, basking in the collective happiness. Hands lifted her up and, before she knew it, she was crowd-surfing!

MARINETTE  
"Everyday was like playing damage control with a leaky nuclear reactor!  
People would have had a grand old day if it weren't for the Chloe factor!  
Akuma after Akuma spawned from the actions of one snot-nosed brat!  
I ask you, what other human on Earth could accomplish that?  
Did she care that she was hurting others? Of course not! She's rich!  
You know what I say? Fuck that bitch!"

EVERYONE  
"Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Fuck that bitch! Bitch! Bitch!  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!  
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!  
BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!"

From Marinette's purse, Tikki watched the unrehearsed yet amazingly well-choreographed insanity unfold. Fireworks popped in the sky, followed by military jets that left trails of smoke in the colors of the French flag. Somewhere, laser lights projected the words into the clouds: _FUCK THAT BITCH! By: IWB_

"How the fuck are they doing that? Is this a French thing?" the Kwami muttered.

In the middle of all this, Adrien appeared at Marinette's side. "Wow, I didn't know we were a musical now. What are we celebrating?"

"Chloe's gone for good!" Marinette sang. "She's moving to New York! Isn't that great?" She eagerly awaited Adrien to sing his verse, but the boy only looked shocked.

"She's what?! No, that's terrible!" Adrien said. "How can you celebrate that?"

The spirit of freedom was sucked out of Marinette. She stared at the boy, not sure how to respond.

"Who's up for an orgy?" Alya called in the background.

General cheers and stripping ensued behind Marinette as she attempted to comprehend. "Maybe I wasn't clear, Adrien. We're talking about Chloe. Chloe Bourgeois. The girl who has made life in Paris a living hell. The girl who, if we weren't careful with her, would've enslaved the world. By the way, Alix, do we have to worry about that anymore?"

"As long as she isn't in Paris, nope," a half-naked Alix responded as she skated towards the orgy pile.

"Exactly!" Marinette concluded. "Sure, she was trying to be nicer, but she was terrible at it. When has Chloe ever done anything right?"

"When I was little and not allowed outside, she was the only friend I had," Adrien replied somberly. "She made sure I was never lonely and was always there for me."

Marinette blinked. "Okay, but _after_ that she was a complete bitch, right?"

"I can't celebrate this." Adrien moped away, barely holding back the tears.

Marinette watched him go, no longer able to enjoy what should've been the happiest day of her life. She didn't even react when a bra decorated with cute ducks landed on her head.

"Yeah, Juleka, show it all, girl!" Alya whooped somewhere behind her.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

The Bourgeois helicopter was en route to the airport.

On the streets, a few blocks behind, a desperate redhead pursued. "Take me with you!"

On a rooftop, a blue-skinned Napoleon rip-off raised his hands. "By the power vested in me," he said and an orb of golden magic formed at the tips of his fingers, "I order you to land!" He pointed at the helicopter. The orb of magic zipped through the air and hit the pilot. Immediately, he dropped the hotel and landed the chopper on the hotel's roof.

Audrey stepped out, "Alright, servants, carry moi to my seat." She waited.

"Uh, mom," Chloe said. "I don't think we're at the airport."

"Chloe-kins!" Her akumatized daddy landed in front of them. "I am Malediktator and I have the power to shut down the school and banish all those kids who were mean to you!"

"You do? Hooray!" Chloe nearly jumped into the villain's arms but was once again struck with this out of nowhere knowledge that such a plan wasn't nice. "No, wait, that's not—Ugh! What is wrong with me?!" she whined.

Audrey groaned, "Rrrreally, Augustus? Is this rrrreally hhhhow you expect to hhhwin me back? By getting yourself akumatized like everyone else? Seen it before. And all that _blue_! Yuck! What are you, an overgrown smurf?"

As the woman continued her rant, Malediktator charged another order, "By the power vested in me, I order you to shut the hell up, be a good mother, and stay in Paris with us forever!"

The magic struck Audrey and she instantly became a fawning mess. "Oh, Andre! Of course I'll stay in our loveless marriage that is more of a power thing for me!" She latched onto the man and peppered him with kisses.

Satisfied, Malediktator marched to the chopper, "Come along, Chloe-kins, let's show your classmates—"

The helicopter was empty.

"CHLOE!"

_Back at the school:_

As most of the students lounged in post-coital bliss, Marinette couldn't stop watching Adrien sulk in the corner.

Alya, garbed in nothing but a robe, drenched in sweat, and her hair a tumbleweed, collapsed next to her. "Girl," she panted, "get in there before there's nothing left but sloppy seconds."

But Marinette could only sigh and watch Adrien. "Alya, do you think that if we had given Chloe another chance, she would've actually changed?"

Behind them, Miss Bustier entered the school, "Hello, I'm back from my lunch. What did I miss—WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"She wouldn't change if we gave her all the chances in the world," Alya said.

"The one time I eat out. _The one time!_" Miss Bustier frantically wrestled with her clothes and darted for the pile. "Cucumber sandwich!"

"Yeah, you're right, but…" Marinette pensively hugged her knees. "Now that she's gone, I can't help feeling that all she did: the insults, the sabotage, the constant need to be better than everyone else… maybe she was pleading in the only way she knew how for what she really wanted. A frien—"

The _whump-whump-whump _of the Bourgeois helicopter approached.

"Fucking hell!" Marinette screeched. "She fucking tricked us!"

As the wails of "Noooo!" thundered through the school, Malediktator stuck his head out of the chopper and raised his hands.

"By the power vested in me," the magical orb expanded bigger than a car, "I declare this school a demolition site!" He thrust his arms down and the magic struck the entire orgy pile!

"Come along, students," Damocles said, buttoning up his sequin jacket. "Let's wreck this place!"

Every half-naked body in the pile began to rip up floorboards! Bash down walls! Toss every desk and chair and headshot of Chloe into a bonfire!

As Alya gawked, Marinette stomped into an empty classroom. "Of course!" she grumbled. "Chloe couldn't just leave, she had to take one last farewell dump on the porch on her way out. I'm going to personally tie her to the next plane out of this country!"

"So," Tikki asked, "do French people regularly break into song or…?"

"Yes, we have state-mandatory singing lessons every other Wednesday. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.

_In the courtyard:_

Malediktator marched through the chaos. "Good, good. Now, where is Marinette Dupain-Cheng? I have a very special order for her and her thoughts on my Chloe-kins not deserving to be a superhero. It involves a volcano and a lot of electric eels."

"Ooh, _electrifying_," snarked a voice behind him. It was Chat Noir perched on the blades of the landed helicopter. "Like I'm going to let you near my number one f—"

An orb of magic struck his chest.

"By the power vested in me, I declare you a cat," Malediktator said.

Chat Noir jumped down and prowled around, purring and padding at balls of garbage.

Hawkmoth stared. "That wasn't even five seconds."

Ladybug roared, "That wasn't even five seconds!" The heroine revealed herself, hefting the helicopter over her head and chucking it at the Akuma like it was nothing. Everyone dove and ducked out of the way of the resulting gas-fueled explosion.

"Screw this! I'm making Chloe pay!" Ladybug lassoed the rooftop and swung away.

In the smoke and shrapnel, Malediktator tried to catch his breath from his very near death. Hawkmoth reached out to him, "Hey, bro, you're okay, bro. Just take it easy, bro, count to five, bro, and GRAB CHAT NOIR'S MIRACULOUS, BRO! BUAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA!"

The villain grinned maliciously and turned to the cat-cat-boy, now being petted and coddled by his wife. "Ooh, who's a good kitty-kitty? You are! Oh, what thick abs you have!"

"That's enough feeling up the minor, darling. Come here, kitty-kitty—"

"RAWR!" Chat Noir yowled like a real cat and bit his hand.

"FUCK!"

"Meow! Meow-meow-meow!" Chat Noir argued on the complicated layers of human morality and illustrated his philosophical point by clawing the blue many-chinned face like a scratching post.

"AH! DAMMIT! THIS HURTS SO MUCH!" He picked up Chat Noir and threw him across the school. The cat-cat-boy landed perfectly on his feet on a lunch table, licked his paws, cleaned his face, looked wide-eyed at something that wasn't there, freaked out at the sight of a cucumber, and then started pushing breakable cups off the table for no goddamn reason.

"Oooh, he's so adorable," Audrey cooed. "Oh, please, Malediktator-kins, can't we keep him?"

Malediktator whipped around to deny Audrey's request but those pair of puppy-dog eyes glistening back at him melted his big blue heart. "Mmmph, if it'll make you happy—" Chat Noir landed on his head and the cat claws dug into his scalp. Blood dripped down his face. "Just a little bit longer," he whimpered.

Hawkmoth nodded. "I know the feeling, bro. I'm a sucker for the cutesy-act too. A woman makes that face at me, I'm putty in her hands."

_("Interesting...")_ Duusu took extensive notes.

_Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

The dummy Fu was nearly complete. It had taken weeks of sculpting leftover noodles and deep-fried cat, but Fu's plan to escape this nightmare was just about to come to fruition.

"Is perfect," he proclaimed after dabbing the last touch of sweet and sour sauce.

"She's not going to fall for that," Wayzz said.

"Not forever, no. But will give me enough time to run. Me only need to let dry and—"

The door flew open and crushed the dummy Fu against the wall. Marinette stormed in, grabbed Fu by his beard, and dragged him to the mystical record player. "Fucking Chloe and her fucking Akuma-making ass—OPEN!" she ordered.

Wiping his saucy fingers clean, Fu retrieved the Miraculous Box. Without hesitating, Marinette took the Bee Miraculous and left, slamming the door behind her. The dummy Fu was nothing but jelly smeared on the wall.

"Damn..." Fu muttered.

_ Later: _

As Tikki recharged with a macaron, Marinette raced across the city. "How hard is it to get on a plane without pissing someone off? Can Chloe even go one hour—WHOA!"

The girl skidded to a halt, nearly running into her parents. They were happily walking along with suitcases in their arms.

"Marinette, there you are," Tom said without a care in the world. "A kind blue man named Malediktator was looking for you. Thanks to him, we're leaving Paris forever."

"No, you've been hypnotized—Wait." Marinette blinked. "We can just… _leave?_"

"Y'up, and never come back," Sabine nodded.

"Hooray!" Marinette grabbed one of the suitcases.

"Because we'll be dead," Sabine finished.

Marinette put the suitcase back. "Come again?"

"We're getting on the next plane out of Paris, hijacking it, and forcing it to crash land in the heart of an active volcano." Tom paused to smile. "With electric eels in our pants."

Marinette stared at them. "Cool, I'll meet you there."

Her parents resumed their march of death.

_Later, in Chloe's Room:_

"Chloe-kins, where are you?" Malediktator sweetly called as he searched. "There's no need to be scared, my darling, I'm doing this for you." He checked behind the couch. Chloe wasn't there. She was actually a few steps away under the massage table, shaking like she was being hunted by a velociraptor.

"Don't you want to see your school destroyed? It's everything you ever asked for."

She watched as the villain's boots turned towards her and marched closer.

"And soon Marinette Dupain-Cheng will be gone. Isn't that great? Come out, Chloe. I only want to—"

Malediktator froze. At that moment, Chat Noir had landed on his shoulder and sat there like a parrot. His motorboat purrs filled the air. Eyeing the boy's Miraculous, Malediktator slowly reached for the ring.

"Good kitty-kitty—"

Chat Noir puked a hairball into his face.

"AAAAH! It's in my mouth! Fucking Astruc, it tastes like Friskies!"

Seeing her chance, Chloe sprinted across the room, grabbed the remote, and hit the big red button. A trapdoor opened under Malediktator. Both he and Chat Noir plummeted, screaming the entire way.

_Later, on the roof:_

Chloe scrambled onto the roof and locked the door behind her only to see her cardboard _Queen BeeHive Secret Lair_ on fire! "AHHH! No! All the hard work I ordered the servants to do! Ruined!"

"You know, it's the little details you say that annoy me the most," Ladybug said at her side, blowing out the match in her hand.

"Ladybug! Finally, you're here!" Chloe wrapped the heroine tightly in her arms. Ladybug resisted the urge to coil her super arms around Chloe like a snake and keep squeezing until she felt a snap. Barely.

"So..." Ladybug's wide, plastic, sharktooth grin flashed with bloodlust as she held up the small oriental jewel box, "You ready to save the day and be forever unable to quit a second time, Queen Bee?"

"Really?!" Chloe gasped. "You're really giving me a second chance? That's…"

The light of Chloe's rapturous joy faded.

"That's…"

Her lip quivered. Her eyes watered. Chloe hung her head and pushed the jewel box away.

"Dupain-Cheng was right. I don't deserve to be a superhero."

Not a sound was made by Ladybug.

"I can try to blame my class or my mom, but that's not what really happened." Chloe sniffled and clenched herself as if she was about to walk through flames. "It… It was me. I was the one who made my daddy angry. I did this! THIS IS MY FAULT!"

Down in the depths of hell, that patch of ice, which was being closely studied by a crackshot team of demon-scientists, abruptly expanded, freezing the 3rd and 4th rings of hell.

There are only seven wonders in the world, but Ladybug felt like she'd just witnessed the eighth. Her arm offering the jewel box fell to Ladybug's side.

"Did you just say..." the heroine barely whispered.

Choking laughter escaped Chloe as she blubbered through snot bubbles of relief, "Oh my Astruc, this… this feels so _good_. Haha! I feel lighter than air, like I could walk on water. Is this what taking responsibility feels like? It's amazing! I'm the one who sabotaged Dupain-Cheng's uncle's Celestial Soup!" She shuddered with ecstasy. "_Uhhhh_, this is addicting! I made Juleka miss the class photo!" Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed into orgasmic convulsions. "_Ooooh,_ this is, like, the best drug ever! Who knew confessing to all the terrible things I've done—"

Chloe froze. The high was over. Reality hit her harder than a semi-truck.

"I've done so many terrible things… No wonder I don't have any friends. I am such a lonely, friendless nobody who could literally buy every person in this city. Look at me, the most friendless, most sexy girl in the world!"

"You're actually feeling _bad_ for the crap you've done?" Ladybug wheezed. "But that would mean you have a..." Her jaw hung open wider than the Grand Canyon. "_...a conscience_."

"Oh, Astruc! I destroyed Rose's innocent letter to Prince Ali! What is wrong with me?!"

Chloe collapsed into hysterical sobs. In this ever-changing Universe-less world, there were things Ladybug believed would never happen: an end to the Akuma scourge, Chat Noir getting over her, a day where Alya didn't broadcast her suffering. At the bottom of that list was her feeling sorry for Chloe. And yet here she was. In a word, it was alien. Ladybug knelt down and patted Chloe's shoulder as naturally as she would pat a slimy fish.

"Uh, there, there? It's alright?" she said in her best attempt at consoling someone she hated.

"It's not alright!" Chloe clung onto Ladybug, drenching the heroine's spandex with snot and tears. "I have nobody!"

Ignoring the revulsion, Ladybug said, "I mean, you've got one friend, right? What about Sabrina?"

"NO FRIENDS!" Chloe cried. "I have no reason to be here! Nobody likes me! All I do is piss people off! I'm… useless."

Now it was Ladybug who shuddered with ecstasy. "Say that again," she breathed.

Chloe stared at her with puffy red eyes. "I have no friends?"

"No, after that."

"I'm sexy?"

"After that."

"Thanos made some good points?"

"You never said that."

"I'm useless?"

A tremble vibrated through Ladybug's entire body. "Mmmmmmmmmm, one more time."

Chloe scooted away from Ladybug who bit her lip in an uncomfortably lascivious manner. "Ummm, I'm useless."

There was an explosion in front of Chloe that she couldn't see, but she felt it and Ladybug was the epicenter. The heroine fell back, tongue lolling out of her mouth. She suddenly wanted a cigarette and she didn't even smoke. Some time later, Ladybug returned from paradise. Toweling the sweat from her brow, she asked, "You really want to be nice?"

Chloe nodded.

"Then quit crying over your mistakes and fix them." Ladybug offered the jewel box. There was no malice this time. No ulterior motive. No sharktooth grin. There was only the smallest glimmer of what some might call… respect.

Chloe hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Chloe, you deserve this," Ladybug nodded firmly and then added under her breath, "and all the crap that comes with it."

The girl wiped away her tears and opened the jewel box. Immediately, a golden orb spawned from the bee comb. From the light came the beat of drums.

"I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA! THOZE WHO ARE—"

"Shut it!" Chloe ordered.

The light coalesced into Pollen. The Kwami's bulbous eyes bugged out of their sockets so far you would've thought Chloe had slapped her. "What did you zay?"

Chloe grabbed the Kwami, easily squeezing the tiny thing's entire body in one fist. "You heard me. We've got a job to do. Pollen, buzz on!" In a shockwave of gold, she transformed into Queen Bee. "Come on, Ladybug, let's take care of this Akuma." She flung out her spinning top and swung away.

When Queen Bee was gone, Ladybug let out a huge sigh of relief, "Phew! For a second there even I believed I was warming up to Chloe. Welcome to Miraculous Hell, bitch!"

* * *

_Later, at City Hall:_

A taskforce of policemen in SWAT gear was gathered outside the building. Officer Roger called up to the windows with a megaphone. "Attention, Malediktator, the people of Paris have held an emergency vote and have decided to impeach you."

A guillotine was wheeled in.

"Please come out with your hands up and your neck exposed."

There were several moments of tense silence.

Then Malediktator stepped out, waving a white flag. "Well, I guess there's nothing that can be done. The people have spoken and I must step down. It's not like I have the power to make anyone do whatever I say."

There was a pause.

"BythepowervestedinmeyouwilldowhateverIsay!" he blurted and an orb of magic zipped through the entirety of the taskforce.

_Later that night:_

Malediktator chillaxed upon his throne like a boss on the City Hall rooftop, surrounded by his personal SWAT team guard. His darling Audrey massaged his feet while cat-ified Chat Noir brought him a dead mouse as a gift.

"D'awww, that means he loves you," Audrey cooed.

"Does it? Come here, kitty-kitty," Malediktator cautiously reached for the cat-cat-boy.

"RAWR!" Chat Noir yowled, bit his hand, and ran off to piss in his shoes.

Across the street, Ladybug and Queen Bee arrived. The latter's eyes flashed amber and Pollen said, "Tikki, help me! The human iz too ztrong!"

"Shut it, conscience!" Queen Bee snarled. "From now on, you do what I say. And I say CHARGE!" She went full speed ahead.

Ladybug hanged back. "I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing anymore."

"MORALLY JUSTIFIED VIOLENCE!" Queen Bee screamed as she threw punch after kick after spinning top at Malediktator but every attack was blocked by the SWAT team's shields.

Malediktator growled at his daughter, "Enough of this!" He summoned two magic orbs. "By the power vested in me, I order you to give me your Miraculous!" The orbs shot out and chased the heroes across the rooftops. Dodging weaving as best they could, Ladybug and Queen Bee kept firing at the villain but he was constantly protected.

Finally, Ladybug slipped!

She tumbled down to the streets and by the time she flipped over, the magical orb was in her face!

"MORALLY JUSTIFIED SACRIFICE OF THE INNOCENT!" Queen Bee screamed, shoving a pair of pedestrians in front of Ladybug. The nobodies were struck by the magic and instantly went off to grab their favorite bedroom toy they called Miraculous.

"Chloe!" Ladybug scolded.

"What? I saved you. Heroes save people, right?"

"Not by using other people as meatshields!... Unless they're Chat Noir."

"Ugh!" Queen Bee groaned. "This is more complicated than being nice."

"NO, IT'S NOT!"

On the rooftop, Hawkmoth said to Malediktator, "Those small fry orders aren't going to cut it. You need to show them who's in charge, bro."

"You're so right, bro." Malediktator raised his hands and a golden orb formed, only this one kept expanding bigger and bigger with every word. "By the power vested in me, I declare you all MY SLAVES!" The entire skyline of Paris was filled with golden light.

"We can't dodge that," Queen Bee whimpered.

"Getting major Plagg flashbacks here," Ladybug noted.

"Ummmm, bro?" Hawkmoth gulped as his window shined with gold.

Ladybug threw her yo-yo up. "Lucky Charm!" And down came the biggest, deadliest polka-dotted gun either girl had ever seen. It had grenade launchers! Rocket launchers! Buzzsaw launchers! TWO fucking cup holders!

A waterfall of drool cascaded out of Ladybug's gaping mouth and her eyes sparkled like diamonds.

"It's… so… beautiful…" She pointed her face to the heavens, "Astruc, if you're there, thank you."

The heroine aimed the super-weapon at Malidiktator and squinted through the scope. The machine rumbled to life, blue lights glowed down the side of the massive barrel, and a computerized voice announced, "**Ready for use. Charging.**"

The gun shook with growing power. A high-pitched whine that reminded Ladybug of a jet engine warming up filled her ears and gusts of wind spewing from the gun flung her hair back.

"YEAH! YEAH! FUCK YEAH!" she whooped.

Through the scope, she saw the Akuma highlighted in red and the gun's onboard computer calculating the most damaging attack. She found a switch labeled _OVERKILL_ and flipped it. The gun expanded, adding hundreds of guns to its girth. Their glow lit the entire block.

"**Charge complete.**"

"EAT THIS!" She squeezed the trigger.

"**Please load ammo.**"

Ladybug blinked. She checked the slot where a polka-dotted magazine of death should've been. There wasn't one.

"Astruc, if you're there, fuck you."

Unbeknownst to her, the weapon's laser sight was still on and projecting a little red dot on Malediktator's flabby blue nose. Chat Noir saw that little red dot and his slitted pupils dilated. He stalked closer, listening to every feline instinct in his body.

Malediktator saw the approaching killer. "No! Bad kitty! Stay back! Stay! BAD KITTY! THAT'S A VERY BAD KITTY! AAAH!"

"RAWR!

Ten razor-sharp claws hooked into the villain's meaty face.

"FUUUUCK!"

Malediktator blindly ran around, unable to tear his new Chat Noir mask off because his arms were locked in place until he finished creating the magical orb. His flails knocked every SWAT officer off the roof, leaving the Akuma vulnerable.

"Good work, Ladybug," Queen Bee said. She grabbed her spinning top and cried, "Venom!" The thing swelled with power and she dove at Malediktator!

"MORALLY JUSTIFIED HITTING MY DADDY!"

The villain was stung and forever petrified with blood and tears streaming down his carved up face. Queen Bee took his mayoral sash and tossed it to Ladybug.

"Huh," Ladybug said. "Never thought Chloe would be better at this than Chat Noir." She broke the sash in half, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The school was repaired and the student population was released.

Marinette's parents were returned to their bakery and left wondering why there were electric eels in their pants.

Chat Noir became human again in the middle of sitting in a shoebox. "Huh? What? Help, I'm stuck! I don't fits! Why did I sits if I don't fits?!"

"I never thought I'd say this," Ladybug sighed after everything was put back together, "but good job, Chloe."

Queen Bee gasped. "You mean it? I did good? Oh, Ladybug, thank you!" She threw herself in her arms and went for a sloppy open-mouthed kiss.

"Whoa!" Ladybug cried, pushing her off and snatching the Miraculous. "What the hell are you doing?"

"What? Oh. I thought that was how superheroes say thanks."

There was an awkward pause.

Chat Noir hooked an arm around Ladybug's neck. "I'm willing to get that tradition started. Thanks for saving me, LB." He leaned in with a kissy face and got a fist in his teeth.

"You did good, Chloe," Ladybug said. "Just take the compliment and go."

Chloe saluted, "You got it, friend."

"I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND!"

"Sorry, can't hear you over how much friends we are!" Chloe shouted as she ran off. "Mommy, daddy! Guess what! I'm friends with Ladybug!"

When she was gone, Ladybug's frown turned upside-down. "And now that you've had a taste, Chloe, that's all you get. No matter how much I might need you, no matter how much you beg, I will never let you be Queen Bee ever again. EVER! My revenge is complete! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

_In the hidden tower:_

"I lost that one but I also almost got enslaved again, so… mixed bag," Hawkmoth shrugged. He turned to leave and ran into Nathalie.

On her head sat a pretty pink bow the size of a watermelon.

Hawkmoth stared at Nathalie.

Nathalie stared at Hawkmoth.

"Nathalie," Hawkmoth nodded and walked out.

_("You didn't say the line!")_

She ripped off the bow. "I am not going to call him Gabby-Wabby!"

* * *

_The Next Day, at school:_

Day 2 of the Chloe is Gone Festival was rocking at full blast. Beer and drugs were being passed around like party favors. Classes had been canceled for the rest of the year. On stage next to the DJ booth, world leaders were minutes away from finalizing the treaty to end all war.

Near the back, Adrien sulked, "Well, I guess Chloe really is gone."

"She won't be missed," Alya nodded, streaming the event to her _The World Is Now A Better Place_ blog.

_SMASH!_

Where the stage and the treaty that would've brought world peace once stood was the Bourgeois helicopter. The door slid open and Chloe jumped out.

"I'm baaaaaaack!"

Everyone gaped.

Marinette jumped out of the helicopter too, smiling like a serial killer. "That's right, she's staying so she can keep being Queen Bee!" She added quietly, "In her dreams."

"Hold your applause, lessers," Chloe haughtily chuckled. "Thanks to Ladybug's advice, I've decided to stay here in Paris, fix my mistakes, and be everyone's friend whether they like it or not!"

"We _don't_ like it," somebody shouted.

"Not my problem. Sabrina, get up here."

The redhead clambered onto the stage, bawling her eyes out, "Mistress! I thought I lost you forever!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." She stabbed the Dom pin into Sabrina's vest. "This belongs to you."

As a fountain of blood spurted from where the pin pierced the skin, Sabrina hugged and kissed Chloe's feet, still crying, "Thank you! THANK YOU!"

"One down, a couple million to go. Who's next? Who wants to be friends with a superhero?" Chloe turned expectantly to the crowd.

Nobody moved.

"I suddenly hate Ladybug," Alya said.

END

_Is anyone here in a band that would be interested in covering "Fuck That Bitch!"?_


	13. 12 Teenage Magic Nino Turtle

_I don't know about you but I'm digging this cabin fever. Who knew my furniture had such fascinating things to tell me? Like, my lamp told me all about how my blender is plotting to steal my credit card. That jerk!_

_And my air conditioner is going on strike. He says he won't work unless I get more reviews!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA! HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE THE NEXT PROLOGUE SAGA?_

_{Huh...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 12: Teenage Magic Nino Turtle  
_By: I Write Big

There are subtle ways of discerning whether two people are in sync. Do they finish each other's sentences? Does one know and try to solve the other's problems without even asking? Do they kick ass and take names in a Dance Dance Revolution duet?

In the case of Nino and Alya, the answers are no, no, and hell no.

"Miss! Wrong! Terrible! Wow, do you even have legs?" chimed the game's digital voice as Nino and Alya failed to keep to the beat.

"Keep up, Nino!" Alya growled.

"OW! Okay, just watch where you're swinging your arms," Nino whimpered back.

In the living room of the Cesaire apartment, Nino kept falling behind and Alya kept bickering and their DDR score suffered for it, like a metaphorical child who cowered under their blankie as they wondered if it was their fault that mommy and daddy were always fighting. Wow, that sentence got dark.

Watching this failure of a relationship were Marinette and Adrien, the latter was facetiming on the former's phone.

"Astruc, she's just constantly at his throat," Marinette whispered.

"You're right," Adrien smiled wistfully. "Father says that's how commoners who can't afford therapy show their love. Someday I hope I'll have someone who'll care enough to threaten to throw me out a window like they do."

The song came to an end and somehow Nino and Alya finished in a painful pile of limbs.

"Ooh! Negative five-thousand points! You suck!" cheered the TV.

"Dammit, Nino, get your hairy legs out of my face!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. Maybe we wouldn't have this problem if you'd let me wear pants…?"

"We talked about this, Nino," Alya groaned, "the mini-skirt lets you get those extra-high kick dance moves."

Nino looked like he was going to argue further but then gave up. "Okay," he sulked.

Then the front door flew off its hinges, cartwheeled across the apartment, out the window, and eventually escaped Earth's atmosphere. The most muscular woman any of the teens had ever seen walked in. She was geared up like a boxer with gloves and a helmet that barely contained her swole form. Each footfall shook the room like a miniature tremor.

"I just TKO'd my opponent in the first round!" the woman announced before she punched a wall into dust. "I wasn't satisfied!"

Everyone except Alya cowered behind the couch.

"Hey, Nora," Alya casually said.

"There is no Nora!" Nora roared, flexing like a bodybuilder. "There is only Anansi!"

"You're a nazi?"

"A-_nan-_si! I told you to stop making that joke, baby sis!" Nora suddenly gasped and ran over to Alya. "Oh no, baby sis, you're sweaty! Are you dehydrated? Do you need me to carry you?" She easily cradled the girl in her bulging arms and tried to press a baby bottle into her mouth.

"Nora, stop, I'm not a baby anymore, I'm fine!"

"I'm just trying to keep you safe." Nora judo-kicked the dinner table in half and hurled the remains out the window. "Tables have corners and corners are dangerous." The big lady stomped over to the fridge and chugged an entire gallon of milk. Everyone except Alya watched in awe. Even Nora's neck muscles had a six-pack. "Shouldn't you wimps be at home? It's a school night! Do you need me to tuck you in and read you a beddy-bye story?" She pulled out a copy of _Goodnight Moon_. "This is Alya's favorite."

Alya blushed fiercely and slapped the book out of Nora's hand. "I keep telling you I don't need beddy-bye stories anymore!"

"Oh no, are you grumpy, baby sis? Your tummy feels funny? Here, big sis Anansi will make you feel better." She slung Alya over her shoulder and patted her back.

"I don't have a tummy ache—_BUUURP!_" She awkwardly paused and then added shamefully, "Anymore."

"D'awww, that's a big girl burp. Good for you. Time for beddy-bye—"

"NO!" Alya pushed out of her hold and said, "We're going to see the fireworks tonight. We're heading for the ferris wheel at the—"

"Outside?!" Nora crushed the empty milk jugs, then the fridge. "No! It's way too dangerous! There have been so many Akumas lately! Who knows where the next one will—AKUMA!"

Everyone followed the musclebound finger.

"Nora, that's a chair," Alya sighed.

"Or is it an Akuma?!" Nora tackled the chair to the floor and crushed the furniture to a pulp with her bare hands. Nothing happened. "Okay, it was just a chair, but you never know what form these crafty—AKUMA!" She rammed a fist through the TV, showering the room with an electrical discharge. "False alarm! But that doesn't mean we can lower our guar—AKUMA!"

"Dude! No! Help!"

"Nora, put Nino down," Alya sighed. "He's not an Akuma."

Nora paused mid-about-to-break-Nino's-back-over-her-log-sized-leg and re-examined the boy in the mini-skirt. "Maybe… but you still can't go outside, Alya! Too dangerous!"

"That's not fair," Alya whined.

"Tough!" Nora ripped open another wall and constructed a baby crib from the support beams. "Get in, baby sis," she instructed. "Big sis Anansi will keep you safe."

As Alya steamed over Nora's overprotectiveness, Nino stepped forward. "I don't mind staying in, Alya. Marinette and Adrien can go and I'll stay." The boy suddenly sounded very serious, "Besides, _we need to talk_."

All at once, the apartment got quieter than a graveyard.

"Oh no," Adrien whispered.

"Oh yes," Marinette grinned.

…_We need to talk…_

The four dreaded words every person prays to never hear their boyfriend/girlfriend/doctor utter thundered in Alya's head.

…_We need to talk…_

"We're going to see the fireworks!" Alya shouted, looking more afraid than Marinette had ever seen. "All of us! Together! In a group, so Nino and I can't talk!"

"But, Alya—" Nino started to say.

"Safety in numbers, right?" Alya reasoned with a hysterical laugh. "And if any Akuma shows up, Nino will take care of it."

"I-I-I will?" Nino sputtered.

"You will, li'l man?" Nora glared daggers and slammed her elbow on the kitchen counter, cracking the tiles. Her hand, which was bigger than Nino's head, stood ready for an arm-wrestling match. "Beat me and Alya can go! Show me what you got!"

"Hey, no way, dude—"

Alya shoved him forward. "Get in there, Nino! Prove your worth as a man! I have the utmost confidence in you." She slammed a stack of cash on the counter, "Put it all on Nora!"

Nino trembled before Nora's great arm. The appendage towered over him like a mountain of swole. Scared shitless, he raised his twiggy, sweaty, skin-and-bones arm and placed his hand in Nora's palm. It was like a toddler trying to shake hands with a goliath. Her sausage-sized fingers closed into a ham-sized fist and there were several audible cracks of bone. Nino's mouth hung open in a silent scream of indescribable pain.

"On your marks," Adrien said. "Get set. Wrestle!"

Nora used her free arm to grab the kitchen counter, rip the entire thing out of the floor, and bent the half a ton of tile, wood, and cement until it touched Nino's hand.

Nino pissed himself.

"No, Nora," Alya sighed. "Other way around. You're supposed to bend his arm to the counter."

"Can't we just say she won?" Nino begged, sweating at the sight of the destroyed mass of furniture.

"Nope, I have a gambling addiction now and I'm a high roller," Alya said, adding several more stacks of cash to the pot. "Hey, Nora, when you rip his arm off and put him in the hospital, make sure you also break his jaw so we can't have any serious conversations."

"Let's try again," Adrien said. "On your marks. Get set. Wrestle!"

Neither combatant budged. Nora only tightened her grip. There were more bone cracks.

"AAAH! Alya," Nino struggled to say through the tears. "We seriously need to talk."

"Don't get distracted, Nino! You've got her on the ropes!"

"It's—" _Crack!_ "About—" _Crack!_ "...us..." he wept.

"LATER!"

Marinette, who was really interested in seeing where Alya's unwanted conversation was headed, smiled a devious smile. The girl dramatically gasped and pointed at the crumpled mass of the fridge. "Ah! Over there! An Akuma!"

"WHAT?!" Nora immediately spun her head around. Her grip tightened even more and the cracks became snaps.

Before anyone saw, Marinette's claws sprouted and The Beast grabbed Nora's fist. Like it was pulling nothing, The Beast slammed the tree trunk of muscle to the counter. The claws retracted and Marinette said, "Oops, my bad, it was just a fly."

"And the winner is Nino!" Adrien proclaimed.

Everyone snapped around and saw Nora's defeated arm.

Alya's bet was digitized and siphoned into the phone

"My money!" Alya wailed. "How am I going to pay back the mafia now?! If I don't, Ice Pick Willie is going to break Nino's legs."

"What?" Nora whispered, unable to look away from her fallen arm. "But how?"

"Through the power of love and friendship! A deal's a deal! Let's go, guys!" Marinette said, dragging Nino and Alya out of the house.

Nora stood there, alone, stunned, _angry._

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man liking what he saw. "There's nothing quite like a woman who is strong enough to pick you up," he said with an approving nod. "Sometimes a man wants to be the one swept off his feet."

_("You don't say,")_ an eavesdropping Duusu snickered and got to planning Nathalie's new workout routine.

Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

_In Nora's room:_

The dark messenger fluttered through the open window, aiming for Nora's sparring helmet. It didn't see the fist.

_WHAAAAM!_

The black butterfly smacked against the far wall and shook its dizzy head. Nora was on her feet, raring to duke it out. She looked like Muhammad Ali on steroids!

"Thought I didn't see you, huh?" She threw a few fake punches. The butterfly felt them across the room. "Think again."

Hawkmoth gulped. "I take it back. Strong women are scary."

_("Damn, back to the drawing board.")_

"Whatchu got? Huh? Whatchu got?" Nora taunted. "COME OVER HERE AND GET YOUR ASS WHIPPED!" She stormed full speed ahead and Hawkmoth felt as if he was standing in the way of a charging bull. Fist after fist punched holes in the walls as the black butterfly flapped desperately to stay alive. "You heard of float like a butterfly, sting like a bee? I bite like a spider, motherfucker!"

Nora ripped out the kitchen sink and crushed the butterfly with it!

"Is that all? You ain't got nothing, you punk-ass li'l bit—"

The butterfly shot out of the drain and shattered against her helmet. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Whoa, you put me through the wringer there," a sweaty Hawkmoth admitted. "But are you ready for the fight of the century, Anansi?"

"Let the match begin," Nora growled and she was swallowed by bubbling darkness.

* * *

_Later, at the Ferris Wheel:_

Up in the highest car, Marinette grinned eagerly at the anxious Alya fidgeting next to the glum-looking Nino. This was one of the rare moments in Marinette's horrible life where she wasn't the center of distress and, like every other human in the world, she wanted nothing more than to pour gasoline on the fire and watch the colorful flames consume everything.

"Just pretend we're not here, guys," she sweetly said. "Adrien and I will watch the fireworks while you two have your much needed and most likely relationship ending _talk._"

"Maybe we should give them some privacy?" Adrien suggested.

"No, no, I want to be here to drink Alya's every tear—I MEAN, comfort Alya in her time of need."

As the fireworks began to pop, Marinette did a terrible job of ignoring the couple in front of her. Her eyes were glued to Alya's fidgeting hands, to Nino nervously fiddling his mini-skirt. At last, Nino began.

"Alya," he sighed. "These past few weeks have been—"

"YOU CAN'T DUMP ME IF I'M ALREADY DEAD!" Alya threw her entire body against the car door. It didn't open.

"Alya, wait, don't!"

"LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Alya grabbed Nino and used him as a battering ram on the door. Still, it wouldn't open.

"We're, like," _WHAM!_ "a hundred feet in the air!" _WHAM!_ "Dude, stop!"

The ferris wheel stopped.

"No!" Alya wheezed. "No, no, no, no, nonononononononononoNO! Get me out! Help! My boyfriend wants to dump me and my claustrophobia is kicking in! AAAAAAAH!"

"Today is a good day," Marinette nodded solemnly.

Nino did his best to restrain the panicking girl and got several elbows in the face for his troubles. "Alya, chill, you're safe."

"That's exactly what you want me to think!" Alya ranted, her phobia-fueled madness already at full-swing. "You want me to think that I'm safe, that you'll never leave me, and then you'll sic your giant spider-lady on me!"

"There's no giant spider-lady!"

"Hi, did someone order a giant spider-lady?" Anansi the giant spider-lady Akuma at the window asked.

Everybody screamed.

"I knew it!" Alya roared.

With all six of her arms, Anansi ripped the car off the ferris wheel and dropped to the ground. "You ready for a re-match, li'l man?" Anansi sneered at Nino.

"Surprise attack!" Chat Noir appeared out of nowhere and dove at Anansi from behind. He got three fists in his groin. "Oh yeah," he coughed out some blood. "I forgot, surprise attacks are supposed to be quiet."

Holding him by his feet, Anansi slammed the cat-boy against the cobblestone over and over before tossing him at the ferris wheel. He splattered against the structure so hard that the wheel came off its restraints and rolled into the city, crushing many buildings.

"Wow, he was useless," Anansi remarked and went back to the wheel car. She tore off the door and grabbed Alya.

"No!" Nino tried to stop her. "We were in the middle of a serious talk about us!"

"Take me far away!" Alya begged, kicking Nino off her. "Please! He can't dump me if I'm your hostage!"

Anansi easily won the tug-of-war and jumped deeper into the city with Alya in her clutches. Nino frantically chased.

"Come back! Alya! We need to talk!"

"Never!" Alya shouted back.

Marinette had watched this entire scene from the comfort of her seat, wishing she had popcorn. "Well, I guess the show is over," she sighed. "Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug.

_Meanwhile, with the runaway ferris wheel:_

Chat Noir ran as fast as he could to keep up with the rolling attraction filled with screaming innocents.

"Don't worry, citizens, I shall rescue you!" he proclaimed.

"Our lives are in the hands of _Chat Noir_?" a trapped citizen screamed. "He's worse at this than Chloe! We're all gonna die!"

Chat Noir saw the wheel was about to roll into the Seine and chucked his staff. The weapon extended until the ends caught in the mouths of a pair of stone lions on the river shore. It was now in the wheel's path. The wheel bumped against the staff and stopped.

"Yes! Take that, physics!" Chat Noir fist-pumped.

And then the wheel started rolling in the opposite direction.

"No! Physics, wait, I didn't mean it!"

_At the Arc de Triomphe:_

The famous arch had been completely covered with spiderwebs. At the center of the sticky prison was Alya.

"Are the webs too tight, baby sis?" Anansi asked, constantly adjusting the restraints. "Do you need a pillow? Your blankie? How about a lullaby?"

"UGH! Even as a supervillain you're too much!" Alya whined.

"Alya!" A heaving and out of breath Nino arrived on a pair of jelly-legs. He took a second and continued, "Listen to me, we need to talk."

"Nononononononono!" Alya rolled around, wrapping herself from head to toe in webbing like a mummy. "Aha! Now, I can't hear you!" She paused. "AAAH! Claustrophobia! This was a mistake!"

"Oh look who's here," Anansi taunted. The Akuma dropped to the street in front of Nino, making a crater in the road. "The valiant mini-skirt knight has come to rescue the princess."

"Actually, spider-dudette, I need to talk to Alya about—"

Anansi picked him up and tossed him into the sky.

_Meanwhile at the International Space Station:_

The astronaut who had noticed earlier what had turned out to be an apartment door being launched into space from France recorded what appeared to be a boy in a mini-skirt getting halfway to the satellite before tumbling back down to Earth.

_On Earth:_

A partially traumatized/partially dead Nino landed in the safe arms of Ladybug who sat the boy gently on the sidewalk.

"I know it's a dick move," she said, "but just dump her over text. She'll get over it."

Ladybug kept swinging and finally arrived at the spiderweb.

"Look who's here." Anansi grinned at her new opponent and raised her fists. "One on one, huh? I'm down."

"One on one?" Ladybug looked around and asked, "Uh, where is Chat Noir? I would've thought he'd be caught in your web by now."

_With Chat Noir:_

"HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?!" Chat Noir screamed as the ferris wheel chased him down the side of the Eiffel Tower.

_With Ladybug:_

"This is your only warning, Akuma," Ladybug approached, cracking her knuckles. "I like solving my problems with violence." Her claws sprouted and her fangs jutted out. "So you only get one chance to surrender—TOO LATE!"

The Beast leaped forward and its fist connected with Anansi's jaw! The wind tunnel from the sheer power in that punch obliterated twelve city blocks behind the villain! But Anansi didn't move… she only smiled.

"Ouch," she chuckled.

The claws and fangs retracted. "Um," Ladybug gulped. "I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let's be friends."

Six fists collided with Ladybug at the same time, sending the heroine flying across the street and through several cars and several buildings. She came to a stop, partially buried in a brick wall. "Of course, punching Akuma is good at punching. Should've figured," she grumbled in pain. "Anything else I should worry about?"

The ferris wheel then arrived and got caught in the web. Chat Noir, who had been squashed under one of the cars, was now trapped in the web as well.

"Uh oh, M'Lady!" he called. "I think I've gotten myself in a _sticky_ situation."

And that was all Ladybug could stomach today.

"Done," she said. The heroine pulled herself out of the wall, flipped everyone off, and left.

Nino arrived a few seconds later. "Ladydude, I'm here to… help?" Ladybug was nowhere to be seen. "Hello? Dude?" Chat Noir's battle staff landed at his feet.

"Nino, use that!" the trapped hero ordered. "I know you can beat her! Strength doesn't matter! Channel the power of love and friendship to—"

Anansi kicked Nino across the Seine.

"Okay, maybe strength does matter a bit," Chat Noir admitted.

_At Fu's Massage Parlor:_

Marinette wandered in, completely exhausted. She found Fu constructing a house of cards. At the sight of her, Fu spasmed in fear, flipping the table and scattering the cards.

"H-Hello, Marinette," he stuttered and inched towards the mystical record player. "Me assume you need another Miraculous?"

"Yeah," she groaned as he pulled out the Miraculous Box, "but I really don't want to have to go through the whole _humans are our slaves_ act again. I wish there was a Kwami who was already in the loop."

There was a pause.

Every head in the room turned to Wayzz.

"Who? Me?" the turtle Kwami asked, his eyes glistening. "You want to take me… _outside?_"

"Hey yeah, Wayzz will keep his mouth shut," Tikki agreed. "And, in return, you can help me cover my ass with the other Kwamis."

"Yes! YES! ANYTHING!" Wayzz begged. "Just get me far away from Fu! His hands smell like his feet and his BO is like cold mushroom soup!"

"Works for me," Marinette shrugged.

"Hold on!" Fu said, hiding his arm behind his back. "No need to be hasty. Let's think about th—"

Wayzz picked up Fu and fired him through a rice paper door. Marinette nodded in approval and slipped the jade bracelet off Fu's limp wrist.

_Later, back at the Arc de Triomphe:_

"You can do this, Nino!" Chat Noir cheered. "You're wearing her down!"

Bruised, bleeding, and missing several teeth, Nino squinted through both of his swollen black eyes at his opponent. "Alya..." he moaned deliriously, "we need… to talk… about us..." He blindly swung the battle staff. Anansi easily sidestepped and tripped him.

"Ooh, that nose looks broken," Chat Noir cringed. "Alya, you want to throw in some words of encouragement?"

"I am one with the web," the mummified Alya insanely chanted. "I am not _trapped_ in a _suffocating_ and _small_ space. I have always been part of the web. I _am_ the web. I am at peace."

"See, Nino?" Chat Noir said. "We're both with you in spirit."

Nino, now more pain than man, twitched and convulsed in the street. A mafia-type carrying a crowbar sauntered over and said, "Ice Pick Willie sends his regards," before bashing Nino's kneecaps sideways.

"Well, you're pathetic, li'l man." Anansi picked up Nino by his mini-skirt and threw him across Paris. "Happy trails!"

Ladybug saw the boy burning up in re-entry. She mentally calculated where he would land and stood there with her arms wide. "I gotcha, Nino. I gotcha." He crashed into the car next to her. "Oops, I don't gotcha."

_Back in the web:_

Anansi crawled up towards Chat Noir with a hungry grin. "Looks like I got myself my first catch."

"Yes! Yes! This is it!" Hawkmoth celebrated from the sidelines. "Strong women are amazing!"

_("UGH! Make up your mind!")_

"Um, M-M-Miss Anansi, ma'am," Chat Noir stuttered. "I-I-I've always been a fan of strong women who can break me in half but this whole me being tied up while you stalk closer with an 'I'm going to eat you' face thing is kind of making me feel a bit strange. Not the uh-oh strange, the _funny_ strange. What I'm trying to say is I think—" She got in his face and hissed, baring her fangs which dripped with venom. "AAAAH! I THINK I'M INTO THIS!"

But instead of further exploring this newly discovered fetish of his, Anansi directed her attention away from Chat Noir's blushing face to his ring, unguarded, free for the taking. She reached for it. Time slowed to a crawl for the cat-boy. Not for the first time, he found himself facing an Akuma on his own. Only this time he had no weapons, he had no means of attack, no way to fight back. All he had was his useless supermove which disintegrated anything he touched.

Time continued to crawl at a snail's pace.

Chat Noir got distracted by a passing bluebird.

Time just—

"Oh, wait! Cataclysm!" Chat Noir blurted. Immediately, his hand coursed with the power of ultimate destruction, making him untouchable. "Woohoo! I did it! I had an idea and it worked!" He unzipped his supersuit far enough so that he could sit up and free his entire upper body from his trapped costume. Opening a cat-themed notepad (which he lovingly called the Cat-Pad) he pulled from his pocket, the boy marked a single lone proud tally under _CHAT NOIR WAS SMART_. The tallies under _LB WAS SMART _reached to the back cover. Then he put the Cat-Pad away, slipped back into the trapped supersuit, zipped himself back up, and smiled. "Y'up, I'm definitely getting better at this hero business."

Anansi stared at the boy and then asked Hawkmoth, "You've been losing to this idiot for how long?"

_Back with Ladybug:_

The heroine waved three fingers in front of Nino's cross-eyed face. "How many fingers?"

"Pico de gallo," he mumbled.

"That's three words. Close enough." She sat him up and opened the oriental jewel box. An orb of green light appeared and from it wailed a child's voice that sounded like it was crying tears of joy.

"FREEDOM! FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!" The orb coalesced into Wayzz and the Kwami took a deep invigorating breath. "Yes! Finally! After all these years of being stuck with that lazy janitor, I'm free!"

"Good for you, Braveheart," Ladybug sassed, slipping the jade bracelet onto Nino's wrist. "Alright, what's the password?"

"Oh, I'm not telling you," Wayzz jeered. "I finally have a chance to see the world and I'm not going to waste it cleaning up Fu's mess. Hahaha! How do you like that, little Miss Anger Issues?"

Ladybug blinked. "It's something stupid and turtle related like 'Shell On,' isn't it?"

Wayzz blinked. He floated away as fast as he could.

"Nino, say Wayzz, shell on," Ladybug commanded with a slap.

"Wayzz, shellll ooon?" he slurred.

"No! No! No! NOOOOO!" Wayzz shouted as he was yanked into the bracelet. In a glow of green, Nino transformed into a turtle-themed superhero complete with a turtle-shell patterned shield on his back.

"Wow, this is a terrible disguise," Ladybug remarked. "You wore glasses before and now you're wearing goggles with only a hoodie to hide your practically bald head. How is this supposed to fool anyone?"

All of the boy's injuries were magically healed and he shot to his feet. "Whoa! Ladydude, what happened? Why am I wearing this outfit?"

"Because you're a superhero now, Nino!" Ladybug congratulated, pouring on the saleswoman charm. "Hooray!"

"I am?" He re-examined his supersuit. Genuine happiness and relief sparkled from his face like a ray of sunshine. "Am I wearing _pants_?"

"Y'up! And I—"

"Oh beautiful pants, how I've missed you!" Nino sobbed with pure happiness as he hugged and kissed his legs.

"Hey, focus! I need your help taking down this villain. And by 'help' I mean you go and do it for me." She picked him up and tossed him back across Paris. "Go save your soon-not-to-be girlfriend!"

Anansi saw the turtle-boy falling from the sky. She cracked her 24 knuckles. "Fresh meat," the Akuma growled. "Show me what you got, new guy!"

Nino unceremoniously landed on the cobblestone road on his back and stayed there. "Help!" he cried, desperately flailing his limbs to flip himself off his turtle shell. "Help! I can't get up! AAAH! The sun! I can feel it baking me alive! Help!"

Anansi stared.

Chat Noir stared.

On a nearby rooftop, Ladybug stared. "It's official. I'm the only one who doesn't suck at this," she said. "Lucky Charm!" Up went her yo-yo and down came a pair of polka-dotted boxing gloves.

For a moment, Ladybug simply looked at the gloves with the serene look of someone watching the clouds. Then she craned her head up at the sky and said, "I already tried that. How am I supposed to fistfight an Akuma who breaks anything with one punch?"

Down below, Anansi fired three fists at Nino just as the boy finally managed to flip over. Her deadly punch connected with the turtle shell shield and there was a deep metallic _CLANG!_ The world rumbled, the ground shook, but the shield stayed whole.

Ladybug saw this and smiled. "Round two."

Nino unslung his shield and shakily held it between him and the Akuma as he tried to crawl away. "You really think that's going to keep you safe, li'l man?" Anansi sneered. "I'm going to make you into turtle soup."

Nino peed a little.

Then Ladybug dove in, grabbed his shield, and bashed it into Anansi's stomach with all of her Amazonian strength. Magical green light in a turtle-shell pattern burst off the enchanted metal and Anansi was launched backward. She crashed straight through one of the arch's legs.

Nino gaped. "Dude..."

"Like that." Ladybug pulled him to his feet and gave him back his shield. "Got it?"

"Yeah..." He took the shield and with it came the confidence. "Yeah! YEAH!" He charged like a maniac at Anansi. Ladybug hanged back and watched as Nino punched Anansi through another of the arch's four legs.

"Bugaboo, look!" Chat Noir proudly shouted from above. "I used my Cataclysm so the Akuma couldn't take my Miraculous! I had a smart idea!"

Ladybug stared at him, unimpressed. "Way to go, Einstein, and you haven't disintegrated the spiderweb because…?"

Chat Noir looked at the web, then at the power to destroy literally anything pulsing in his hand, then at the web, then at Ladybug, then at the web, then at his hand, then at—

"I'm surrounded by morons. Just do it!" Ladybug shouted as Anansi crashed through the third leg.

Chat Noir poked the web and the entire mass crumbled into dust. It was only at that moment, as the web fell to pieces, that Ladybug noticed the ten-story ferris wheel standing above the arch. She also took note of the fourth and final leg of the arch being hole-punched by Anansi's body and that they were all standing directly under the now legless arch with a ferris wheel on top of it. Ladybug suddenly remembered how gravity worked.

"FUCK!" she screamed.

Then a turtle-shell patterned shield bashed her upwards at such a speed that she body-slammed against Chat Noir in the air before he had a chance to start falling. Nino zipped past the heroes and sliced the last of the webs off Alya with the edge of his shield. The first sight Alya beheld after she was at last freed from her nightmarish prison was the coolest, most confident, sexiest guy raising his shield and shouting, "Shell-ter!"

A green bubble-shield enveloped all four of them and the collapsing Arc de Triomphe bounced harmlessly off the magic. When the dust settled, the bubble flickered away and Alya was left gawking in the thick arms of the strong, strapping, turtle-man.

"Oh my Astruc," she swooned. "I'm going to dump Nino."

Nino glanced down at her, "Say what now?"

A pile of rubble next to them exploded and out came Anansi! "Round three, motherfuckers!"

The ferris wheel squashed her.

Ladybug quickly took the Akuma's sparring helmet and tore it in half. She de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The ferris wheel was put back into place.

The webs all across Paris disappeared.

The Arc de Triomphe was reconstructed.

"Take me, you green god!" Alya giggled while blushing. She sounded far more like an infatuated schoolgirl than Ladybug thought possible. "You are lightyears manlier than Nino could ever be."

"Seriously?" Ladybug groaned. "You really don't recognize who that is?"

Alya looked at Nino again and squinted. "...Principal Damocles?"

"Are you for real?!" Ladybug shrieked.

"I know, M'Lady," Chat Noir agreed. "That's clearly Jagged Stone under that mask."

"You can call me Carapace, dudes!" He struck a super-pose and gave Alya a wink that sent her heart fluttering. "And I walk alone, dudette. Whoever this Nino is, you should probably hear him out before you make any decisions you might regret. Catch y'all on the shell side." He pointed his shield at a rooftop.

Nothing happened.

"Go, shell!"

Nothing happened.

"Shell grappling hook!"

Nothing happened.

"Up, up, and away, shell!"

Nothing happened.

Carapace turned sheepishly to Ladybug, "Could I get a lift?"

_Later, in an alley:_

"Shell off!" In a glow of green, Nino was back but he was also different. Ladybug couldn't exactly put her finger on it, but the boy seemed… taller. "Thanks, Ladydude," he said, handing back the jade bracelet. "I needed this. Now, I know the power of hitting women."

"Wow!" Ladybug went wide-eyed. "That is not the lesson I expected you to learn. Then again, it's Alya. Go get her, tiger."

With as much dignity a boy in a mini-skirt could muster, Nino marched into the street. Ladybug watched him go, eager to see the dumpster fire resume.

* * *

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth sighed, "Well, you win some, you lose some. Better luck next time." The spiral window closed and the newly installed lair lights flipped on. By the door, he saw Nathalie was doing some bench presses.

"Ten… thousand," she counted and put the weight back on the rack. "Woo! That was intense." She toweled away some imaginary sweat from her brow and turned to Hawkmoth. "Oh, sir, I didn't see you there. I was just getting a few reps in. Gotta keep in shape, you know." She attempted to flex her arm but her bicep remained as flat as a pancake.

"Cool..." he said at the awkward display and left.

"What the hell was that?!" Nathalie hissed. "I thought you said he was into strong women, Duusu!"

_("He said he was! Maybe he meant emotionally strong.")_

On the other side of the door, Gabriel grabbed at his rapidly beating heart. "Oh Astruc, that was hot."

* * *

_At the ferris wheel:_

Marinette arrived at where Alya and Nora were waiting.

"Marinette!" Alya called. "There you are! You would not believe what—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up!" Marinette took Alya's phone and began livestreaming to the _Broken Hearts Brigade_ blog. "He's right behind me."

"Who is? What are you—"

"ALYA!" A powerful voice that would've made a drill sergeant jealous silenced the girl. It was Nino, stomping towards them on a pair of legs clad in… _**sweatpants**_! The mini-skirt flapped in the breeze, held high in the air by Nino for all to see before he tossed it into the sewer. "We need to talk. Right here. Right now."

Marinette grinned.

Alya gulped.

Nora stepped back.

"From now on..." he growled into Alya's face, "we are going to play DDR on Easy Mode!"

Everyone waited for Nino to continue. He did not.

"Is… Is that it?" Alya asked.

"Yes." Nino folded his arms and made a grumpy face to show he was extra serious.

"Okay, yeah, fine, sure."

"Great!" Nino beamed.

Alya blinked. "So what's with the whole..." she pointed at his legs.

"Huh?" Nino looked down and gasped. "Oh, right, totally forgot." He suddenly became super serious and got in Alya's face again. "And I'm going to wear pants, Alya. No more skirts, no more frilly dresses, and definitely no more assless, hot-pink, skinny jeans. Only real, baggy, manly pants that reach all the way from my waist to my ankles, leave _everything_ to the imagination, and have pockets that can actually hold things!"

"Yes! Yes! Okay! I can work with that" Alya agreed desperately before she latched onto Nino and forced an I'm-Totally-Into-This face. "I think it's about time I dated a guy who dresses like a guy, _big bro_."

"No. It's not just the pants, Alya." Nino put her down. "You're kind of an awful person."

Alya gaped.

"Especially to Marinette."

"Thank you!" Marinette shouted.

"It's over, Alya. We're done." Nino left.

The utterly destroyed look on Alya's face broadcasted across the web would be remembered for many years in internet history as the new meme of Forever Alone.

Nora patted her shoulder. "I guess my baby sis isn't such a baby anymore." Nora shed a tear of solidarity and then asked, "You want me to kick his ass for you?"

Alya shook her head, curled up in Nora's swole arms, and started sucking her thumb.

"Wow, 20 million views and counting," Marinette remarked and then spoke into the camera, "Who wants to see this dumped sack of sadness go ice skating?"

The views surged in response.

"You heard your fans, Alya! To the ice rink!" Marinette dragged the depressed Alya and her giant sister across the city. She had never been happier.

END

_How did Nino know he had a bubble shield called Shell-ter without anyone telling him? The show didn't explain this plothole and neither shall I._


	14. 13 The Nightmare Before Lila Returns

_Best part about this quarantine: Plenty of free time to write._

_Worst part about this quarantine: No privacy to act out the funniest parts._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_I MEAN IT! GO AHEAD! WRITE A SEQUEL TO THE PROLOGUE! I WON'T STOP YOU!_

_{Uh...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 13: The Nightmare Before Lila Returns  
_By: I Write Big

There are details of the Kwami race that Marinette preferred to remain a mystery. Such as, where does all the food go? How does a neck the size of a golf tee support a head the size of a baseball? If she waited for Tikki to fall asleep, could she smother the thing with her pillow or is breathing optional for Kwamis? It was safer not to know and ignore that burning curiosity.

Tonight, however, she couldn't help herself.

"Tikki, what are you doing?" Marinette asked.

"Oh, you know," Tikki shrugged as she hung upside-down from the desk lamp like a bat. The Kwami sounded very mopey.

"No, I don't. What's going on?"

"I'm just enjoying my last night alive."

Marinette gasped. "You're dying? Hooray! No, wait, dammit, that means I'll die. Tikki, stay with me, don't go into the light!" She swatted the Kwami onto her bed and started giving the small creature chest compressions. Tikki effortlessly picked up Marinette and tossed her across the room.

"Not right now, you idiot," she said, still sounding thoroughly depressed. "But I will be dead. I'm heading over to the Miraculous Box to meet with the other Kwamis. Plagg has a plan."

"Plagg?" Marinette scoffed, her face buried in the wall. "I thought you said he was a lazy asshole who didn't do anything."

"He is, but every time I remind him, he tries to prove me wrong. Tonight is Nooroo's birthday, which means—"

"Birthday?!" Marinette peeled herself out of the drywall and spat out a few splinters. "Kwamis are _born_?"

"Well, no, it's more like..."

_One soul-destroying lesson on the metaphysical origins of life later:_

"—and that's why the chicken came before the egg," Tikki concluded.

Marinette stared at the Kwami. Blood dribbled out of her eyes.

"So, anyway, since it's Nooroo's birthday, it's the one night where it's most vulnerable and Plagg thinks that if all the Kwamis combine their power at once we can… kill it."

Marinette snapped out of her existential crisis. "Wait! You can kill Nooroo? For real?!"

"Maybe, I don't know, we might just end up destroying the world," Tikki admitted. "What I do know is that I can't be in the Box with everyone without freaking out. I just know they're going to figure out I fucked up and kill me instead, so I'm enjoying what little of life I have left." She turned and looked longingly at the carpet for a while. She sighed. "Y'up, I'm gonna miss this."

Marinette watched Tikki sulk. Despite the months of torture, the girl couldn't help feeling bad for the demon. She tried to pat her bulbous head. "Hey, no one is making you do this. If it's too dangerous, don't. We'll find another way."

"Oh, I'm doing this." Tikki whipped around and glared at Marinette with those empty doll eyes, "And if I get caught, I'm throwing you so far under the bus you'll get stuck in the rear wheels. Do you hear me, Marinette? I go down, you go down."

Marinette squeaked.

"Alright, sleep tight, don't let the Grim Reaper bite." Tikki grabbed a magic marker and flew out, leaving Marinette to contemplate how to spend her possibly last night on Earth.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Adrien's Room:_

Plagg peeked from his tactical lounging position on the giant pillow at Adrien who was reading a book at his desk. A smirk cut across the Kwami's face. It was time for Phase One.

"Oooh, wow, yaaaawn," he yawned. "I'm so, yawn, tired, yawn. You can tell how exhausted I am by how much I say yawn. Yawn. I should go to bed before I yawn myself out."

"Night," Adrien said absently, never looking up from his book.

Plagg fist-pumped. The bait had been taken. Time for Phase Two. With dexterous movements, he produced a decoy Plagg, hand-stitched from used socks and chewed gum, and slipped it under the blanket.

"Mastermind Plotter for the win," he whispered and floated through the wall.

_ Downstairs: _

"—and that's why the chicken came before the egg," Nooroo concluded, unfazed by the blood dribbling from Gabriel's eyes. The man glanced at his late-night omelet as one would glance at a primordial ooze monster and pushed it into the trash.

"So, what you're saying is…" Gabriel managed to force out, "it's your birthday! Happy Birthday, Nooroo! We should celebrate!"

"Oh, stop," Nooroo chuckled. "I'm 3,500-cycles-old, I don't need a party."

"I won't hear it, Nooroo. You're never too old to have a birthday party." Gabriel hit a button on his desk phone. "Nathalie, order a birthday cake for Nooroo and hang some decorations. We're going to party!"

Nathalie groaned back.

_("Party? We'll need a piñata. Does anyone want to volunteer? Gabe?")_

"No," Gabriel said sternly. "None of that."

"Stop, you don't need to do anything special," Nooroo laughed, genuinely moved. "Just any old Akuma like we always do will be enough."

"No, no, no, you don't get off that easy, Birthday-Kwami." Gabriel carried Nooroo into the mini-elevator. "Tell you what, since it's your birthday, you choose who we akumatize. How does that sound?"

"R-Really?"

"Aha! I knew you'd like that." They popped into the hidden tower and Nooroo eagerly floated over to the spiral window. Through the glass, it peered at the giant city of potential victims like a kid peering into a candy store.

"I can choose anyone?"

"Except Chloe."

"Awww..."

"Come on, Nooroo, there's gotta be someone else you want to akumatize."

"Well…" Nooroo tapped its nonexistent chin and grinned like a hungry wolf. "Now that you mention it, I've always wanted to akumatize a child horrified by a bad dream and use their fear to bring all of humanity's worst nightmares to life! MuahahahaHAAHAAHAHAAHAH**AHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!**"

Gabriel stared at Nooroo. "Wow. That is some evil merde. But you are the Birthday-Kwami. Let's do this!"

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Plagg and Tikki floated out from behind a chimney looking rather disheveled and out of breath.

"Just so you know," Tikki said between pants, even redder in the face than usual, "that only happened because I might be dead in a few minutes."

"Works for me, babe. You brought what I asked for?"

She showed him the magic marker from Marinette's room.

"Yes! Time to enact Phase Three of my plan! Mastermind Plotter away!" He stuffed his mouth with camembert and floated down the street, Tikki begrudgingly close behind.

"Plagg, you need to give it a rest. This whole Mastermind Plotter act is going to get us killed."

"It won't, babe, trust me. I got everything mapped out and thought of every contingency." The last slice of camembert slipped from his arm nubs and landed in the hungry beak of a passing bird. "Well, my plan is ruined. Abort mission." He turned back only for Tikki to grab him.

"Dammit, Plagg, we are not giving up just because you lost your snack."

"That wasn't just a snack, babe, that cheese was the entire linchpin of my Master Plan. Without it, I could get hungry. Do you really want to go through with this on a not overstuffed stomach? You're crazy!"

"Get over it! I'm going to see this through to the end with or without you!" She shoved past him. Plagg smirked.

"Phase Three: Get Tikki's Confidence Back is complete," he whispered to himself. "Time for Phase Four."

_At Fu's Massage Parlor:_

"S'up, Wayzz!" Plagg shouted, kicking in the door.

"The hell?!" Wayzz whisper-shouted back at him. "You could've just gone through the door! You almost woke Fu!" He pointed at the out cold old man surrounded by empty beer bottles and his face covered with the latest issue of _Chinese Playboy_.

"It's all part of my Master Plan," Plagg suavely excused.

Tikki rolled her eyes. "You remember our agreement, Wayzz. Keep an eye out. Don't say anything."

"And you'll let me go outside again?" he begged desperately, eyes glistening with tears.

"Sure, whatever. Come on, Plagg. Time to die." Tikki grabbed Plagg and they flew into the speaker of the mystical record player. They followed the tube to the vinyl record itself. In a flash of blue magic, a portal opened in the record's center. The Kwamis flew through it.

_In the Unknown:_

An infinite dimension of stars sparkled on all sides as Tikki and Plagg floated down towards their home. A ring of treasures from Earth, furniture, paintings, McDonald's golden arches, both young and old, stood at the approximate center of an endless white plain. They reached the ring and waited in silence. Tikki clutched the magic marker tightly. There was no movement.

She whispered, "Maybe they're asle—"

"HEY, GUYS, YOUR CONQUERING HEROES ARE HERE!" Plagg proclaimed, shaking the stars. He said to Tikki, "That was Phase Four."

Over a dozen tiny yet bulbous, animalistic heads popped out of the treasures.

"It's them!" cried the one that looked like a goat. "Our saviors have returned!"

The Kwamis paraded out from their hiding spots and surrounded Tikki and Plagg.

"Hi, everybody," Tikki said, doing her best not to freak out. "It's so nice to see you all—"

"LONG HAVE WE WAITED FOR THIS GLORIOUS DAY!" Plagg shouted, raising his arm nubs to the stars. "WE HAVE RETURNED TO YOU VICTORIOUS! BEHOLD! THE SPOILS OF WAR!"

Nothing happened.

"Tikki," he whispered. "Phase Five."

"What?"

"Phase Five. The marker."

Plagg pointed emphatically at the magic marker and then at the Kwamis. Completely lost, Tikki gave the marker to Pollen.

"BEHOLD! THE SPOILS OF WAR!" Plagg repeated.

A collective "Wooooooooow," echoed through the masses. The Kwamis inspected the marker as if it were an alien artifact. The one who resembled a tiger popped off the cap, revealing the drawing nib.

"What? What is this?" he asked and gave the wet thing a sniff. "Oh my..." He sniffed again, this time taking a deeeeeeep inhale. "That's goooood." His pupils dilated and the Kwami dropped to the white ground, a stupid smile on his ink-stained face. The rest of the Kwamis followed suit and the ground became littered with Kwamis high off their asses.

"And that's Phase Five," Plagg nodded.

Tikki rolled her eyes, knowing Plagg was just taking credit for dumb luck again.

"It'sss good you are here," rumbled a disturbingly deep voice that made Tikki go cold. She shakily turned to see one of the few Kwamis who wasn't on the fucking moon right now. "I wasss beginning to think you'd never return," hissed the snake Kwami.

"Hello, Sass." Tikki shivered like she was looking into the face of death. Sass's cobra-esque face was calm, inviting, even kind, but Tikki knew better. She had seen the monster within. At that moment, Tikki knew the fear Marinette had felt when they first met.

"I thought you sssaid the conquering of the human filth would only take a century or two." He leaned closer until she could smell the venom on his fangs. "Everything going well out there? No problemssss?"

"Nope! Human filth is falling to our every attack!" Tikki practically shouted at him. "There's absolutely no reason for you to rip off my head and drain my eyeballs of their fluids with your fangs! Am I talking too loud? I feel like I'm talking too loud! My loud volume isn't suspicious, is it?" Tikki smiled so wide that Sass could see his reflection in her pearly whites. Before he could respond, a bunny hopped in between them.

"What are you looking at, Alix? Are you searching for patterns?" Fluff eagerly asked Tikki.

Tikki blinked. "Huh? Alix? Patterns? What?"

Sass gently pushed Fluff aside. "Don't mind Fluff. She isn't alwaysss… _here_. Right, Fluff?"

"What the—!" Fluff jerked from the touch and looked bug-eyed at the world around them. "Where did the pyramids go? This isn't Egypt! Is this the Louvre? How long was I asleep?!"

"Yesss, pyramidsss, good, now go sssniff the new treasssure." He shooed Fluff along who happily started nibbling on a grandfather clock. His disturbing viper eyes returned to Tikki with a skeptical look, "And your human ssslave isss obedient?"

"Very obedient," Tikki answered too quickly. "Super obedient. I say sit, the human filth sits. I say kill, the human filth kills. I've never had a more obedient slave than Marin—" A column of bubbles belched out of Tikki's mouth.

Sass blinked and wiped off his new bubble-beard. "What the hell wasss that?"

Tikki covered her mouth and shook like she was about to explode with every dirty secret she had.

"Soap!" Plagg quickly jumped in. "Haha! It's a delicacy on Earth, but also an acquired taste. Creamy going in, bubbly on the way out. Not for everyone. Y'up, definitely soap and not a human spell that keeps us from saying our filthy human's name to each other. That's silly. Haha! Come on, Tikki, let's dance!"

"I DIDN'T FUCK UP!" Tikki screamed at Sass.

"That's great! Come on!" He dragged her to the dance floor.

* * *

_Back at Marinette's:_

The bluenette hadn't been too creative with her potential last night alive and ended up drinking the family's entire kitchen of wine. She now lay passed out on her bed, surrounded by a glass menagerie of empty wine bottles. A puddle of leftover wine and drool stained her sheets.

"ZZZzzzZZZ, mmm, Adriennnn," she mumbled in her sleep. "zzzZZZzzz, Luka? What are you doing here? ZZZzzzZZZ, a threesome? zzzZZZzzz only if Adrien is into it. ZZZzz—"

Her bed violently jerked, waking the girl.

"Who'sa? What? Huh?" Her bed jerked again and from underneath the mattress shined an eerie green light. "The fuck? Tikki, is that you? Did you die? Am I dead? Is this me dying?"

A hand reached up and grabbed the foot of her mattress!

"AAAH!" Marinette hid behind her bottles as the rest of the intruder climbed up! Their movements were jerky and unnatural, shifting constantly at odd angles. "No, please! Don't take me, Death! I'm not ready to die! Take Alya instead! She called you fat!"

The creature's head faced her and she stared into the breathtaking green eyes of…

"Adrien?!" The girl blinked and then immediately adopted a come-hither pose. "Oohoohoo, it's _this_ kind of dream, huh? Yum-yummm."

"Marinette..." Adrien moaned like a ghoul. His head spun in place several times. "I needed to see you..."

Marinette blushed. "See me? Here? In my bed? Where I am most vulnerable?"

His joints cracked far too many times as he scurried towards her like a spider. "It couldn't wait… I had to tell you…"

Marinette swooned like a true diva and shielded her pure innocent body from the strong savage seducer. "Oh my Astruc, Adrien Agreste, you scoundrel! What kind of girl do you think I am? This is going too fast! At least buy me dinner first! Okay, that's enough of that. Time for the fun part of this dream." She threw herself into his arms and pulled off her shirt in one smooth motion. "Take me, man-meat!"

"I had to tell you..." Adrien said through his neverending smile. His head twitched and cracked several times. "There's someone else…"

Marinette paused, put her shirt back on, and asked, "Say what?"

A second pair of hands grabbed the foot of her bed. Marinette recognized the nail polish.

"No," she whispered.

From the eerie green light, they pulled themself onto her bed and Marinette scrambled away.

"No, no, no!"

"I'm sorry, Marinette…" Adrien moaned as he leaned in to kiss an eternally smiling LUKA! "I'm just not into chicks…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Fast as the wind, Marinette bolted up to her roof and slammed the trap door shut behind her. The intense boy-love makeout session could be heard through the floor.

"What is this nightmare?!" she screeched. "Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!"

Similar screams came from the streets below. She saw people being chased by monsters that couldn't be real! T-Rexes! Giant spiders! Angry lizard-mothers chasing children with failed math tests! Truly this was hell! Another voice caught Marinette's attention from above. In the sky, riding a pillow, floated a sparkling blue boy.

"The Sandboy just checked in," the villain sang. "Now nightmares can begin!"

"Phew," Marinette sighed in relief, "It's just another Akuma. I should've known. As if Luka and Adrien could ever—"

The trap door burst open. Luka and Adrien popped out, hopelessly tangled in each other's arms.

"Miss..." Luka moaned. "Did I ever tell you why boys are better kissers than girls…?" They mashed their food-holes together.

"AAAAAH!" Marinette used her entire body to force the door shut. "Too real," she whimpered, simultaneously horrified and turned on. "It's too real! Tikki, spots on!"

Nothing happened.

"Fuck! I need to find Tikki!"

Bracing herself as if she were about to dive into the bottomless dark trenches of the ocean, Marinette took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Ooh, I love how strong and chiseled your jaw is, Luka…"

"Mmm, Young Master, the cheese scent in your hair is absolutely divine..."

Marinette barreled between the lovebirds, dashed out of her room, returned to grab a bra, and raced out of the house.

* * *

_At Adrien's:_

A sprinkling of pink sand dusted the room, but Adrien didn't notice. What he did notice was the windows and doors being blocked off by walls of solid steel bars!

"Huh," Adrien casually said. "I guess Father wants me to go to bed early." He shut his book and headed for his dresser. Another wall of solid steel bars blocked that side of the room. "Huh. I guess Father doesn't want me to wear pajamas tonight." He turned around and stopped.

Ladybug was sitting on his bed.

"Hey there, hot stuff..." Her head twitched.

The boy's hands instinctively covered his crotch. "L-Ladybug! You're here! In my room! On my bed!"

"Why don't you join me...?" Her impossibly wide smile got even wider, breaking the confines of her face.

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I—"

Her yo-yo shot across the room and lassoed him. One jerky pull later, Adrien was on his bed and laying next to the girl of his dreams. "That's better..." she cooed, her twitchy fingers crawling up and down his body. Adrien had a fleeting concern about why he felt more than ten fingers, but there were more pressing matters to worry about.

"S-S-So, what brings you here?" he stuttered. His sights were glued to the ceiling as her hands got closer and closer to his pants.

"Oh, I think you know..." she purred into his ear. There was no mistaking what she meant.

Adrien blushed redder than her spandex. "I mean, if you want to. We don't have to if you don't want—" Adrien stopped. There had been something off about that purr. Not the voice, it was the direction. Ladybug was cuddling, grinding, and basically making herself at home against his left side, but her voice had purred into his… _right_ ear.

He looked left. A body, no head.

He looked right. A head, no body.

This wasn't the girl of his dreams. This was the girl of his nightmares.

"Pucker up, hot stuff..." growled the head. More unbreakable yo-yo string sprouted out of the bed and coiled around him from head to toe! Another cage of solid steel bars fell, trapping Adrien on his mattress!

The nightmares waited for Adrien to scream.

He did not.

He only glanced down at his crotch with a look of shame. The headless body and the bodiless head followed his gaze.

"Sorry," he whimpered.

"Seriously, hot stuff..." the head sighed at the wet tent in his pants. "You need to get laid…"

* * *

_In the Miraculous Box:_

Plagg was breakdancing like a maniac while Tikki kept eyeing Sass who hadn't stopped watching them since they arrived.

"Plagg, I think he's onto us."

"Quit worrying, babe, I told you I got it all planned out. This is Phase Six: Dance to Ward Off Suspicion. Next we'll—"

"Enough with the phases! I know you're making this up as you go along!"

Plagg gasped. "How did you discover my ultra-secret Mastermind Plotter strategy?!"

"Because you never think ahead!" she shouted.

"What?! Think I crabcake pop-tart ahead always!"

"See? You didn't even think ahead for that sentence! This was a mistake. We need to leave now before—"

_CLONG!_

Below them, embossed on the white plain was an intricate set of spinning rings decorated with ancient symbols. The outermost rings had just stopped and so had the music.

"FELLOW KWAMIS!" Plagg boomed. "OUR CONQUEST OF EARTH HAS BEEN FRUITFUL BUT FOR ONE LAST TRIAL! This is Phase Seven, Tikki. WE HAVE YET TO SLAY THE MAD KWAMI NOOROO, MY BRETHREN! WE MUST COMBINE OUR MAGIC AND CRUSH IT TOGETHER TONIGHT WHILE IT IS MOST VULNERABLE!"

"Yeah, sure, Plagg, that sounds cool," droned the still higher than a kite Trixx.

"I don't even know where I am right now. Anybody got znackz?" asked Pollen.

Sass narrowed his eyes. "A bold plan, Plagg. I thought you didn't make plansss."

Plagg faltered, "U-um—"

"What are you talking about? He's great at plans!" Tikki answered. "The best at them! He's the ideas guy! Plagg is a natural Mastermind Plotter!"

Plagg glowed with hope, "Really? You mean it?"

"Yes!" Then she whispered harshly, "No!"

The pair of liars smiled widely at the still suspicious Sass. The snake Kwami waited for either of them to break.

_CLONG!_

Another ring stopped spinning and this decided things.

"Very well. Let'sss give it a shot."

The Kwamis floated to their marks on the outermost ring. They waited for the center ring to stop and when it did (_CLONG!_), Sass ordered. "Now, Kwamisss, sssing!"

A mysterious chant came from their tiny throats, filling the stars with magic and—

"It'sss not working," Sass said.

"Not with that attitude," Plagg shot back. "Come on, you gotta believe!"

"We believe!" the rest of the Kwamis cheered as they took another huff of the magic marker.

* * *

_ On the streets of Paris: _

Marinette finished strapping on her bra and raced for Fu's massage parlor. Every sidewalk was filled with panicking Parisians fleeing from their darkest nightmares!

"No, stay back!" a garbage collector cried at the army of hungry trash cans.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" a child wailed as a slobbering toilet pursued.

"No… No..." Officer Roger cowered back from a giant gun dressed like his wife. "NOOOOOO!"

"Wow," Marinette said. "Now that I think about it. Fear is kind of dumb."

"Marinette..."

"Miss…"

"Don't you want to help us pick out our matching wedding tuxedos…?"

"NOOOOOOOO! Fear is real! FEAR IS REAL!" Marinette ran like her life depended on it.

_At Adrien's:_

"I swear, this never happens!" Adrien said, struggling against his binds. "Just give me a few minutes and I can try again."

Ladybug somehow slipped through the cage before screwing her head back on. "Sorry, hot stuff..." She twitched away with firm disappointment. "I can't be with someone who isn't a man..."

"I'm a man! I'm totally a man! Look at my abs!"

"Bye, hot stuff..." she moaned as she walked into the black void.

"No, come back, Ladybug! Don't leave me like Mother did!"

"Whoa, there's some emotional baggage..." Ladybug moaned before she vanished from his life forever.

"No! Somebody! Help! Father!"

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth laughed maniacally at his work. "This is going perfectly! Nightmares roaming the streets! Night terrors terrorizing the night! There's no way Ladybug and Chat Noir—"

"Gabby-poo…"

Hawkmoth's blood ran cold. He gulped. "No..." The man cautiously turned and dared to peer at the shadows. The sound of heels clicking on the floor got closer and a shadow moved. "No, it can't be, no!"

The shadow stepped into the light. It was Nathalie with a cake. "Sir, I have Nooroo's birthday cake. I hope it likes chocolate."

"Oh, Nathalie, it was just you," Hawkmoth sighed in relief. "I could've sworn you were—Hold on, why did you call me Gabby-poo?"

Before Nathalie could respond, Nathalie walked in with a cake. "Sir, I have Nooroo's birthday..." She and Hawkmoth stared at the first Nathalie.

For a moment, nobody moved.

Then zombified Emilie fucking Agrestes burst out of both cakes!

"GABBY-POO!" they moaned.

Hawkmoth and the real Nathalie screamed their lungs out.

* * *

_In the Unknown:_

The chant of Kwamis continued to echo through the stars but nothing else happened.

"No, no, you guys are flat," Plagg scolded. "You're down _heeeere_, when you need to be up _heeeere_. I am committed to this band, but if you guys aren't going to take it seriously, there's no way we'll win the Battle of the Bands. Again, from the top, and this time with gusto. A five, six, seven, eight!"

"What the hell isss he talking about?" Sass asked Tikki.

"Oh you know, he gets passionate about his plans," Tikki said, nervously avoiding all eye contact. "Um, Plagg, maybe the problem isn't the song but strength. What if we included Wayzz?"

Plagg gasped. "Yeah! That might just work. Good idea, babe. Phase Eight!" Plagg zoomed up and out of the pocket dimension, leaving Tikki alone with Sass.

There were a few tense seconds of silence.

"Ssso, what'sss thisss internet I've been hearing about?"

"I DIDN'T FUCK UP!"

Thankfully, Plagg was quick to return with Wayzz in tow. They all took their positions and resumed the chant. Their voices filled the stars, resonating with the sparkling night sky and—

"HOLY FUCK! IT'S WORKING!" Tikki screamed.

"It is?" Plagg looked down. Magic was seeping into the rings, changing the white symbols into a shimmering crystal blue. "I mean, yeah, totally, it's working. Just like I planned. This is it, guys, don't let up. Focus your power and—"

The magic met in the center and exploded.

Shockwaves of magic erupted from the ball of light that had formed. It was so powerful the Kwamis had to cling to the ground to keep themselves from flying away.

"What have you done, Plagg?!" Sass bellowed in terror. "What have you done?!"

"I don't think she's doing that mindwipe to herself, Alix," Fluff calmly said to nobody.

"Stay calm!" Plagg shouted over the eardrum-shattering pulses of power. "This is all part of my Master Plan!"

"I call bullshit!" Tikki shouted back.

Then the ball of light collapsed into itself and a beam of pure white shot straight up!

_Meanwhile, in Fu's massage parlor:_

Marinette bashed in the door. "Fu! Open the record player-box-thing! NOW!"

Fu kept sawing logs.

"AAAGH! Tikki!" she shouted into the speaker. "Get your ass out here this instant!"

_BWOOM!_

A pillar of white light burst from the record player and blasted a hole in the ceiling.

_ Outside: _

Sandboy saw the light ray fire into the sky. "Huh," he said. "Looks like somebody's worst nightmare is lasers. Cool."

_Back in the massage parlor:_

Partially burned and mostly pissed off, Marinette glared at the skybeam-emitting record player. "Oh, that's how you wanna play? Fine." She grabbed a chair and readied to bash the player to kingdom come.

"The Sandboy just checked in," a familiar voice sang outside. "Now nightmares can begin!"

"Fuck!" She chucked the chair at Fu instead, waking the man up.

"Who'sa? Wha?" he mumbled just as a sprinkling of pink sand dusted the room. "What was that?"

"Come on!" Marinette dragged him towards the door. "We gotta get out of here before your worst nightmares—"

Their path was blocked by three bedsheet ghosts!

Fu gasped in horror!

Marinette stared. "Seriously?"

"OooOOOO! We are the ghosts of the Guardians of the Miraculous!" one ghost wailed. "You caused our downfall and lost two Miraculous!"

"And you never restocked the toilet paper!" another added. "OOOooooOOOO!"

"Nooo!" Fu cried. "Please! Me sorry! Was just one microwave burrito and you know it is everyone's job to restock TP!"

"_This_ is what you're afraid of, Fu?" Marinette was clearly not impressed. "Come on. There's nothing scary about—"

She pulled one of the bedsheets off to reveal a decapitated head, rotting and crawling with maggots!

"FUUUUUUCK!"

_ Meanwhile: _

"FUUUUUUCK!" Hawkmoth screamed as yet another zombified Emilie Agreste dropped from the ceiling. The hidden tower was swarming with them.

"Sir, this is getting out of hand," Nathalie said as she bashed several zombies back with the cake platter. It was the only weapon they had. "You need to un-akumatize whoever is doing this!"

But her words fell on deaf ears as Hawkmoth kept rocking back and forth in a fetal position and sucking his thumb. All he could hear were the haunting moans of his wife.

"Gabby-poo, you wanted me back…"

"Here I am. Isn't this what you wanted…?"

"You always left the toilet seat up..."

A craggy hand grabbed his neck and he looked into the milky eyes of his beloved. Her beauty was long overtaken by fungus and worms, leaving only what he truly feared waited for him at the end of this Akuma dilemma. He couldn't get away. He couldn't scream. He couldn't do anything as those sharp yellow teeth got closer.

_BWOOOM!_

A wall of white light railroaded its way through the spiral window and ran over Hawkmoth like a truck, melting all the zombie Emilies away. Nathalie nearly went blind and shielded her eyes with the cake platter.

"Sir!" she shouted as the hidden tower was filled with the chanting of children. "What's happening?!"

"I don't know!" Hawkmoth started to levitate. "Ah! Help! Nathalie, quick, get me down!"

"How?"

"I don't know how magic works! Say there's no such thing as fairies or something! Anything!"

_In the Unknown:_

"I don't believe it," Tikki said as the pillar of magic continued to fire into the human realm.

"I know, right? I was actually right for once!" Plagg cheered. "Operation Desert Storm went perfectly!"

"Desert Storm? What happened to Phase Eight?"

"Eh, I got bored with counting numbers," Plagg shrugged. "Time for Operation Strawberry Shortcake! Everyone, focus! We've got Nooroo right where we want it!"

The Kwamis raised their voices and poured their magic into the pillar, brightening the light to brilliant levels.

_Back in the tower:_

"Bippity-boppity-boo! Avada kedavra! Pythagorean theorem!" Nathalie randomly shouted at the light but nothing brought Hawkmoth back to the floor.

And then Hawkmoth sensed something. It was instinctual. Like that special itch a dog gets that makes them bark minutes before the earthquake starts rocking.

"Nathalie, run!"

"What?"

"Something's coming, I don't know what but you need to get out before it gets he—HEY! Where are you going?!" he shouted as Nathalie bolted out of the room. Hawkmoth floated there, dumbstruck, alone. "Huh. I thought for sure she'd at least stick around long enough to hear my heartfelt speech. I was going to talk about how I've never had a better friend than her and how she's more than just an assistant to me. Maybe I would've brought up how I cherish seeing her every day…" Hawkmoth paused. His own words surprised him and they had slipped out so effortlessly. He kept going. "Or how her quiet and tough act always brings a smile to my face…" A tear slipped down his silver mask. "Or how the best part of when I'm feeling down is when she lifts me back up—"

_THWACK!_

"Ow!"

"I'll get you down, sir," Nathalie said before _THWACKing _Hawkmoth in the face again with a broom.

"Ow. Uh, Nathalie, did you hear what I was saying be—"

_THWACK!_

"No, sir. Was it important?"

"Nope! Nope, nope, nope, nothing important at all." He tensed. "Here it comes!" He could feel it now, the wave of magic traveling along the stream that held him in place. It was coming for him as fast and hungry as a cheetah and he was trapped like a butterfly-man pinned to a corkboard.

Nathalie gave one last desperate _THWACK_ and dove for cover.

Hawkmoth shut his eyes and said his goodbyes.

"**You have a collect call from,** What have you done, Plagg?! **Will you accept the charges?**" the voice of Thoth, the Egyptian god of writing and communication, asked.

Hawkmoth took a peek. He was still floating in the light and very much not dead as far as he could tell.

"Um… yes?"

"**Now connecting.**"

The blinding light was replaced with a clear image of over a dozen Kwamis.

On the other end of line, the Kwamis stared back at Hawkmoth in the ball of light.

"Oh my Astruc," Hawkmoth said. "You're all... so... _cuuuute!_"

General screaming and panic ensued from the Kwamis.

"D'awww, you're like mini-pokemon. I just wanna collect you all."

"That'sss not Nooroo," the snake one said. "That'sss itsss human ssslave. KILL THE HUMAN FILTH!"

Magic torpedoed from the Kwamis's mouths and up the pillar.

Hawkmoth felt the itch again.

"It's coming!" he shouted as the light became blinding again. "For real this time! Nathalie, if this is the end, I need you to know that after everything you've done for me I think I might lov—"

_THWACK!_

Nathalie rammed the broom's bristles down Hawkmoth's throat. Tied to the other side of those bristles was the shiny metal cake platter. She aimed the reflective dish with care and braced herself. From her years of fantasy novels and Harry Potter movies, she expected a warping crackly noise like the inverted snap of a firecracker.

What she heard was a rubber _BOING._

The wave of death bounced off the cake platter like it was a trampoline and sped away along the pillar back to where it came from somewhere in Paris. It disappeared beyond the horizon. A small white mushroom cloud lit up the night sky and then the pillar flickered away.

Hawkmoth landed flat on his face and heard a dial tone.

"**Your call has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again.**"

Nathalie poked him with the broom. "Sir?"

He groaned.

* * *

The Kwamis were also groaning on the floor which had a fresh new smoking crater. Their ring of treasures was scattered among the stars. Sass was the first to recover and he directed his no longer well-hidden anger on Tikki.

"What wasss that?" he hissed. "Isss thisss the sssort of half-assed plansss you're pulling on Earth? No wonder the conquering of the human filth hasss taken ssso long." He floated towards her, fangs sharpening, the end of his tail rattling. Tikki, still dizzy, tried her best to crawl away. "I think it'sss about time we had a change in leadership. Don't you, Tikk—"

The nib of the magic marker was shoved in his face. Immediately, Sass's slitted pupils dilated and his fury became chillaxed euphoria.

"What? Where am I?" he chuckled.

"Exactly where you want to be, man," Plagg said, capping the marker. "You just partied a little too hard and had a crazy dream about failing to kill Nooroo. That's all."

"A dream? Heheh, awesome."

"You should take it easy."

"Totally." Sass floated over to the other markered Kwamis and fell asleep.

Tikki gaped at Plagg's accomplishment. "How did—"

"I always have a backup Master Plan, babe," he smugly explained. "Now, commence Operation Run Like Hell!"

Tikki, Plagg, and Wayzz floated out of there.

Fluff, the only Kwami still standing, waved to them and said, "Hi, Duusu, I like what you did with your human," like it meant goodbye.

_In Fu's Massage Parlor:_

The portal sealed behind them and Tikki felt like she could finally breathe.

"Phew! Crazy night," Plagg said. "But at least it's ov—"

They exited the speaker and were greeted with the sight of Fu being chased by three flying corpse heads and Marinette cowering/blushing in the corner as a shirtless Luka and Adrien wrestled tongues in front of her.

"Oh Astruc!" she screamed. "It's so hot and yet so scary!"

"Fuck! What did we miss?" Tikki asked.

"I don't know, but that isn't Adr—," a column of bubbles belched out of Plagg's mouth. "Excuse me. As I was saying, he only just discovered what lesbians are and I'm pretty sure he hasn't figured out that boys can do it too. I better go make sure he's okay." Plagg zipped away.

_In the streets:_

Plagg flew like a speeding bullet over the rooftops. So determined was he to get back to Adrien, he didn't notice passing a uniquely blue boy on a pillow. Hawkmoth saw him too.

"That's Chat Noir's Kwami!" he excitedly said. "Capture or follow him to his owner! Hurry!"

Sandboy grinned and gave chase. A missile of nightmare sand fired from his pillow at the Kwami. Plagg saw it coming at the last second and dodged.

_In the hidden tower:_

"Yes, yes!" Hawkmoth cackled. "This is perfect!"

Nathalie entered. "Sir, I had a second birthday cake ordered just in case. Did you want—"

The missile of nightmare sand flew through the spiral window and hit Nathalie's chest.

Hawkmoth stared.

Nathalie stared.

"Nathalie, stay calm. Whatever you do, don't pani—"

"_Squeak._"

Both looked down at the floor. Sitting next to Nathalie's foot was a tiny mouse.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Nathalie screamed so loud the spiral window cracked. The woman fled across the room and clambered onto Hawkmoth's back. "Don't let it touch me! Kill it! _Kill it with fire_!"

"Ow! Nathalie, get off me!"

"Nooo! Keep it away!"

The mouse sat where she left it and wiggled its whiskers.

_Back in the chase:_

With Sandboy hot on his tail, Plagg decided it was time for… "Operation Jump In Front Of A Speeding Train!" He dove into a subway station and onto the tracks. Sandboy followed, firing sand-missiles. Plagg kept moving until he saw the light of the oncoming train. "Yes! Mastermind Plotter for the—"

A sand-missile shot past him and struck the train. The train screeched to a jolting halt and its wife appeared.

"Thomas, I'm leaving you."

"What?!" the train sputtered. "But-But-But, Amtrack, honey, why would you—"

"And I'm taking the kids." The female train in a pink dress pulled out a pair of trolleys in baby bonnets.

"Bye, daddy," the children said and they all chugga-chugga'd away.

As Thomas the tank engine broke down in oily tears, Plagg decided plans were too hard and just phased into the ground.

_Later, in Adrien's Room:_

The only bit of room that remained was Adrien's bed. Everything else, from the walls to Ladydoll, had been replaced with solid steel bars.

"Oh no," he whimpered. "My nose itches. Aaaah, AAAAAH! It's getting itchier! Make it stop!"

"Hey, man," Plagg dropped in. "Whoa! This is your nightmare? Kinky. You know, some people pay good money for this sort of treatment."

"For the love of Astruc, Plagg, my nose! Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir and scratched his nose. "Oooooh, that's the good stuff." With a Cataclysm, he destroyed all the bars and got outside where he was soon joined by Ladybug.

"M'Lady!" he cheered and then backed away, "Wait, is that really you? Quick, we have to kiss to verify our identities!"

He barely got a step closer to her before his smoochy lips got a foot planted in them.

"Y'up, that's my Bugaboo."

Ladybug pointed at the distant Sandboy. "And that's our target. You hold him down, I'll beat his face in."

"Sounds like a plan!"

And then they were both hit by sand-missiles.

"Ugh!" Ladybug gagged. "There's sand in my spandex! It's course, rough, and it gets everywhere!"

"Yay! Sand! Now I can make sandcastles!" Chat Noir pulled out a cat-themed shovel and pail and got to sculpting his own personal litter box.

Ladybug glared at Sandboy and threw her yo-yo with all her might! "Come here, you little—" The yo-yo dropped to the floor in front of her like a deflated balloon. "What the..." She tried again and the yo-yo fell to the floor again. "Oh no..." She tried to super-leap high into the air and barely rose half a foot. "No, no, no..." She turned around and socked Chat Noir on the chin.

"Teehee, that tickled," he giggled after her fist bounced off like a harmless marshmallow.

"My powers! They're gone!" Ladybug screamed.

"They are? Oh…" Chat Noir stopped designing his sand-statue of Ladybug, looked away, and whistled like a guilty little bastard.

"What did you do?!" Ladybug growled.

"Don't get mad, but, uh… my worst nightmare as Chat Noir is you being powerless to rescue me."

Ladybug's eye spasmed. "This? _This_ is your nightmare?! More like your bedroom fantasy, you horny—"

A blur of polka-dots stormed past her and tackled Chat Noir to the ground. Ladybug watched as a second Ladybug covered the cat-boy in kisses.

"Oh, my wittle kitty, how could I be so blind?" Smooch-smooch-smooch! "You were the only one who was always there for me!" Smooch-smooch-smooch! "I want to get married, buy a house together, and have all your babies!" Smooch-smooch-smooch!

The real Ladybug screamed in terror! "AAAH! NO, THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE! GET OFF THAT ME, RIGHT NOW!"

"Uh, um, she's too strong, M'Lady," the lipstick-covered Chat Noir lied as he did nothing to stop the Nightmare Bug's unrelenting kisses. "I'll take care of this Ladybug. You get the Akuma. Ooh, she even smells like you."

"At least try to pretend to be resisting, you liar! Stop kissing her back!"

"Give me your Miraculous!" Sandboy cried as he swooped down at her. Ladybug barely managed to duck out of the way. Her usual gymnastic flair was gone along with her powers. All that was left was clumsy Marinette. She stumbled and staggered with every step, keeping just out of the Akuma's reach. At last, her bad luck struck and she tripped over her yo-yo string. She tumbled off the rooftop, only catching the edge with her fingertips at the last moment.

"This is it!" Hawkmoth shouted. "Grab her earrings! Nathalie, get off my shoulders!"

"No!"

"_Squeak_," went the mouse.

Ladybug craned her head away from Sandboy's short stubby arms. Her non-super grip was weakening. She'd never survive the fall. There was no luck to stop her inches from hitting the street this time. If her fingers sli—her fingers slipped. Down she went towards her demise, not a soul to save her. The girl grit her teeth and bellowed a final cry.

"Fuck you, Chat Noir!"

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"Now, is that really the way to thank your rescuer?" asked a familiar voice. Ladybug opened her eyes and saw she was in the arms of Nightmare Bug who was literally levitating inches over the ground. At her side was a smug Chat Noir. "Told you I'd take care of her."

Ladybug blinked. "Whaaa…?"

"Okay, Fake-LB, if you want another kiss, go get the Akuma!"

With hearts in her eyes and squealing at a high pitch that could make a dog go deaf, Nightmare Bug dropped Ladybug and charged Sandboy, summoning a massive war sword with her Lucky Charm. Ladybug could only gawk as Chat Noir added another tally to the Cat-Pad.

"That makes two smart ideas for me," he said. "I'm on a roll."

"Did you really turn her to our side with..." Ladybug whispered the final words as if they were impossible, "_sex appeal?_"

"What can I say?" He flexed. "I'm the _purrr_fect specimen."

Before Ladybug could punish him for that awful pun, Nightmare Bug returned with a black butterfly in her hands and Sandboy hanging by his underwear from the tip of her sword.

"Good job, Fake-LB." Chat Noir rewarded her with a peck on the lips. Nightmare Bug giggled.

The sound made Ladybug nearly puke. She swallowed back the bile and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The massage parlor was put back together.

The now pants-less Luka and Adrien vanished before they could get to third base.

Nightmare Bug got one last batch of open-mouth tongue action before she disappeared.

Ladybug's powers returned and she punched Chat Noir through a building for making her watch that. She de-evilized the black butterfly and everything was finally back to normal.

* * *

_In the hidden tower:_

"They're here," Nooroo cackled, glaring gleefully out the spiral window. "I thought the fools were still back at the Miraculous Temple but all of the Kwamis are somewhere here in the city. Soon, I will have them under my control and no one will be able to stop me again. Best. Birthday. Ever! Muahahahaha!"

The mouse gave one last hearty, "_Squeak,_" and poofed away.

"The mouse is gone, Nathalie," Gabriel said to his trembling human-hat.

"Are you sure?" she whispered.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Can I stay up here a bit longer just to be safe?"

Gabriel sighed, smiled, and patted her arm. "Stay as long as you like."

* * *

_Later, in Fu's Massage Parlor:_

"As you can see, puny humans," Plagg smugly proclaimed, "through my mastery of reverse psychology, I tricked the other Kwamis and Hawkmoth into nearly destroying the world with nightmares. What do you think of me now?"

Fu cowered behind his gong. "You despicable fiend! You truly are a Mastermind Plotter!"

Marinette cowered behind Fu. "Please, don't hurt us! We beg you!"

"Your groveling has pleased me," Plagg nodded sternly. "I'll spare you this time. My thirst for destruction has been quenched… for now."

Marinette and Fu prostrated themselves before him and sobbed their pitiful thank yous. At Plagg's side, Tikki heaved her weary head in her tiny arm nubs.

"How you keep getting away with this, Plagg, I'll never know." She collected herself and gave him a small smile. "You're not a Mastermind Plotter, but you're a quick thinker and I'm glad you're on my side."

"Always, babe. Later. See ya, old man."

Fu screamed and dove under the table.

_Later, at Adrien's Room:_

Plagg floated in with his usual lazy yawn.

"Crazy night, man," he said.

"I know, right?" Adrien agreed as he got ready for bed. "I don't know if I'll ever sleep again."

"I feel you, man. You know what might relax you?" Plagg casually slid a paper and pen to him. "Writing another letter to Ladybug about her missing memories."

"Hey, yeah!" Adrien immediately got to writing. "That would clear my head. Thanks, Plagg."

"Anytime, man." Plagg floated into his camembert castle. As soon as the gates of dairy delight were shut, the Kwami made triple-sure that Adrien was busy with his letter and then opened a hidden compartment in the camembert floors. Nestled in the cheese was a thick book, frayed and yellowing from its great age. The tome cracked open. Most of its first pages clung together and their inked letters, which had the swooping feel of being written by a quill rather than a pen, were mostly faded. The pages towards the back were much younger, less crinkly, and it was there that Plagg stopped flipping. Down a list of checked off items he scrolled.

_[_ _ X _ _] — Sabotage Fu's microwave_

_[X_ _] — Brexit_

_[X_ _] — Get some camembert_

_[_ _ X _ _] — Don't point out to Adrien that his dad has Duusu and is most likely Hawkmoth_

_[X_ _] — More camembert_

_[_] — Convince Tikki I'm a quick thinker_

_[_ _ X _ _] — Milk, Eggs, Butter, Camembert_

_[_] — Take credit for Corona Virus?_

_[_] — Win the bet against Duusu_

Using the magic marker, he added a new X next to _Convince Tikki I'm a quick thinker_. Satisfied, he turned to the last page and gazed at the final step of his centuries-long plan.

_[_] — Figure out what I'm doing with my life_

That last unchecked box mocked him as it had since the invention of literature.

Plagg sighed. "One of these days, man. One of these days." He settled into his camembert bed and whispered sadly to himself, "Mastermind Plotter for the win, baby."

END

_Make it up as you go, I always say!_


	15. 2nd Missing Memory

_And now you have to wait another week for Heroes Day._

* * *

Memory 2  
**Oh look, it's God  
**By: Chat "Adrien Agreste" Noir

Good day, M'Lady!

Thanks to the advice of a very trustworthy friend, I've decided to catch you up on the battles you've mysteriously forgotten. Any updates on how your memory keeps getting choppy, by the way? If not, don't worry. I'm here for you and will help in any way I can.

** Reverser **

Do you know what lesbians are, LB? I didn't until not that long ago. Did you know that boys can be lesbians too? I didn't until this day. And it turns some people are half-lesbian, like Nathaniel. They just like kissing everybody! And some people, like Marc, are so lesbian that they paint their nails, wear lip gloss, perfume, and makeup like girls so they can date boys! Being a lesbian is amazing!

Turns out, my number one fan tried to set Marc up with Nathaniel (he was Evillustrator from a while back (you were on your _secret mission_ (don't worry, I learned what that really means in Sex Ed (I'll bring you chocolate next time)))). Her matchmaking skills were unfortunately not up to the challenge and their date ended with Marc getting akumatized into a giant paper plane riding villain. With his evil paper plane missiles, Reverser made everyone's personalities flip. I turned into a scared silly kitty-cat and you became super clumsy! (You actually became as klutzy as my number one fan who doesn't have the best luck) You lost any sense of self-control. You couldn't even swim when we fell into the Seine! Thankfully, I was there to carry you to the shore and provide mouth to mouth (at least I would have if I hadn't magically come down with a crippling fear of mouth germs, sunburns, heights, peanut butter, crossing the road, traveling faster than 2 miles per hour, untied shoelaces, stairs (EVERYTHING!)).

If that wasn't bad enough, Reverser got to the mayor and made him begin dropping the city's new space dumpsters onto Paris! We were on a time limit to stop an orbital bombardment of flaming garbage! Reverser's demands to save the city was to turn over Nathaniel and my number one fan.

With you tripping over those sexy, _sexy_ legs with every step and me scared by flies, we had no choice. We had to recruit Nathaniel and our resident time-traveler Alix for help. I use the term "help" loosely because you immediately gave Nathaniel to Reverser with orders to distract the villain by making out with him (hostage situations are hard) and then you told Alix to time travel me into the air and drop me on Reverser. She missed several times. There are some news videos online of me screaming endlessly as I fall off the Eiffel Tower for a full five minutes. Eventually, she hit the mark and I Cataclysmed his magic paper plane glider. You cast Miraculous Ladybug, undoing all the reversals, and went to grab lunch while Marc and I fell in an endless time loop.

I had time to think as I careened forever through the air. There should be another word other than lesbians when boys are lesbians or half-lesbians. It just gets too confusing.

**Troublemaker**

This Akuma was actually Jagged Stone's personal assistant.

Don't know if you know this about me, LB, but I'm a huge fan of Jagged Stone. I even have a signed photo of him on my wall. He wrote _Keep on rocking, Adrien Agreste, son of Gabriel Agreste of the Gabriel Fashion Brand. You're a true star!_ I've been following him since he first moved into Paris earlier this year. He's been in the city a lot longer than his website said he would. I think he might have been trapped here because of Brexit. Whatever the reason he's still here, he made an unexpected appearance on TV recently. You can actually find the episode on the "Fill My Shoes" website. It's the episode that takes place at my number one fan's bakery. You can watch at your own leisure but here's the first line so you know you're watching the right one.

"Queen Elizabeth!" Jagged Stone begged to the camera. "If you're watching this, you have to get me out of this shite-stain city! These snail-slurping bastards have got monsters turning people into zombies or burning buildings to the ground every single day! Please! Bring me back home!"

A very attention-grabbing opener to the episode. I really believed Jagged was on the verge of tears every time he was on camera. Even as my number one fan's dad calmly showed him how to properly knead the dough, Jagged stayed in that I-Hate-Paris character (odd choice but compelling). After a little incident with spilling some flour, Jagged somehow ended up in my number one fan's room and the cameras broadcasted her collection of photos of this boy named Adrien Agreste (turns out she's a fan (I'm not jealous (In fact, I think she has great taste))).

The broadcast got a little choppy after that. I caught glimpses of my number one fan attacking the camera with a mannequin before the show cut to commercial (her fingernails and teeth were much longer and sharper than I remember (and I could've sworn her eyes had turned red and blue (probably just a problem with the camera))).

When the show came back, the bakery was being ripped apart by what appeared to be a ghost. It was actually an Akuma who could become intangible with the click of a pen. I rushed to the scene and used my super abs to open the steel walls sealing the bakery shut. At least, I would've opened them and it would've been awesome if Troublemaker hadn't suplexed me into the side of a van (your months of tossing me against vans prepared me for that day). You pulled me into the building where we fought Troublemaker two on one. She was a slippery Akuma. Each time we got a hold of her, she just clicked her pen and faded through the floor. And then the unthinkable happened, Bugaboo.

SHE GOT YOUR MIRACULOUS!

Sorry, that's a lot more dramatic than I intended. I should've said she got _one_ of your Miraculous earrings. Once it came off, your superhero suit began to slowly sparkle away! Before she could grab the other, I charged at Troublemaker with Cataclysm and forced her to fade out of the room, leaving your earring behind. Your identity was secured, but if I may, LB, what little I did see of you behind the mask was the most beautiful, most gorgeous girl I have ever beheld (with a great ass).

The fight continued until you had your genius idea. I distracted Troublemaker, constantly making her fade in and out of tangibility with jabs from my still ready-to-go Cataclysm while you snuck up behind her. At the right moment, you threw your fist through Troublemaker's faded out head just as she clicked her magical pen. When the villain became solid, she had a super fist where her brain should be. I won't go into the explosive messy details of what happened to Troublemaker's skull but I will say thank Astruc for your Miraculous Ladybug.

Side note, M'Lady: You and my number one fan seem to have a similar taste in boys, but please don't get jealous. I'm 110% positive she only likes Adrien as a friend— Sorry, my hand slipped. I thought I heard my number one fan cry out in the distance.

**Frightingale**

This is mostly second-hand knowledge, but one day the singer Clara Nightingale (who suffers from chronic dancing syndrome and can only speak in rhymes (which means she can never eat oranges, wear purple or silver, or ask people what month it is)) was holding auditions for her next big music video which was going to be all about Ladybug and Chat Noir.

My Father already cast me as Chat Noir—Sorry, my hand slipped. I meant to write, Adrien Agreste was already cast as Chat Noir (don't know why (we look nothing alike)) but the role of Ladybug was up for grabs. Again I wasn't there, but supposedly my number one fan was in the extras audition line and kept screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO, grabbing her head, then making this blank empty smiling face whenever she looked at Adrien dressed like me. I'm sure he was very concerned.

Then this girl Chloe Bourgeois, who I believe is Adrien Agreste's childhood friend (I've never met her), kind of ruined everything. I heard she's trying really hard to make friends and "fix her mistakes" as she put it but she's still figuring out how that works. Chloe thought my number one fan being cast as Ladybug was a terrible mistake that needed fixing and as everyone's soon-to-be friend she was the one to fix it. This meant making her dad the mayor shut down the entire music video production. I'm sure she'll get the hang of making friends sooner or later. It'll just take time.

You and I were struck by Frightengale's magical whip rather quickly, M'Lady, which meant we were forced to sing, dance, or rhyme continuously or else be petrified into pink statues! Thankfully, I'm a master of the Brazilian dance-fighting style capoeira (or should I say _cat-_oeira (you loved that pun)). Despite my sweet moves, Frightengale kept getting the advantage over us and we were forced to be on the constant defensive.

And then… I'm not sure how you managed this, LB, or how you came up with the idea, but as we were hiding behind a bus you started spewing rhyme after rhyme after rhyme, not making the least bit of sense. You stopped saying sentences that rhymed and just listed rhyming words. I was beginning to think you were having a stroke when Mr. Narrator interrupted you. Turns out, he didn't appreciate the "mockery of the art of rhyme," as he put it, and decided to put an end to this "charade."

I'm not entirely sure how this worked but Mr. Narrator basically narrated Frightengale into a corner where you were able to knock her out cold. After you put things back together, I had a little chat with Mr. Narrator and he agreed to narrate the music video to be back on schedule. Only this time, Clara Nightingale decided to use everyone who auditioned as Ladybug in the music video. The finished product was a beautiful ensemble piece with people from all across Paris dancing their hearts out. It was like the entire city was dancing, maybe even you and I were in there.

Side Note: I was—Sorry, Adrien Agreste was still cast as Chat Noir and when my number one fan saw him on screen she did the whole NOOOOOOO, head grab, slack jawed smile thing. Do you know what that's about? Should I get her a doctor?

And that's 3 more down. I hope this helps, Bugaboo.

Love,

Adrien "Chat Noir" Agreste

PS - After writing these letters, I've noticed my number one fan has been finding herself in the middle of a lot of Akuma situations. I think we should keep an eye on her. Hawkmoth might be targeting her to get to me.

PSS - Enjoy the chocolates!

* * *

Luka hummed over the letter attached to the heart-shaped box of chocolates.

It was as the Pink Devil had said. Not only had the Young Master signed his own name but he had repeatedly left obvious breadcrumbs that could lead to his true identity. While Luka considered the Young Master innocent and sometimes naive, he never thought the boy would do something so irresponsible.

Then again, it was even more irresponsible that a time-traveler such as the Pink Devil "didn't have _**time**_ to play mailman," and delegated the job to him. Still this was, as the Pink Devil put it, "a matter of saving the world that Ladybug and Chat Noir's true identities never be revealed to each other," and Luka rather enjoyed the world. He wouldn't protest. He would, though, exchange the Young Master's chocolates for those strawberry pastries Miss Dupain-Cheng so loved.

Luka pulled out his pen and got to editing.

"You..." a scratchy voice growled at him.

Luka stopped his walk towards the Dupain-Cheng mailbox and looked over his shoulder at his third favorite alleyway of Paris. It was in his top three because it was the most determinedly wet. It didn't matter if the last rainstorm was months ago, there was always a muddy puddle right in the center of this alley and it always smelled of ammonia. Most would find this disgusting, but Luka found it, as he found most things, fascinating.

Through that fascinating never-drying puddle stomped a homeless man. His bloodshot eyes glared pure hatred at the blue boy.

"You..." the homeless man repeated.

"Hello, I am Luka Couffaine. You may call me Luk—"

"Don't give me that! I know who you are, _doorbell!_"

That last spat out word made Luka pause. The only ones who knew were the Pink Devil, Miss Dupain-Cheng, and the Miss's carnivorous red pet. This man before him with his ratty grey hoodie, greasy skin, black hair, and big bushy beard was clearly not any of the three. Undeterred and eager to make more friends, Luka smiled widely.

"Have we met, sir?"

"Met?" The homeless man barked out a dry laugh and grabbed Luka's collar. "I _made_ you."

Again, Luka paused. There had been something familiar about the stranger but it wasn't until his human brain used this remarkable tool Luka had learned was called imagination to project pink flowers into the homeless man's beard that it clicked.

"Astruc?" Luka gasped.

"Ding-ding," Thomas Astruc rasped in what Luka thought was supposed to be a mockery of a doorbell's traditional ding-dong. "Because of you and your stupid talk with the Big guy, I'm down here, running from Akumas, eating out of garbage cans, and sleeping on newspapers. I LOST EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF YOU AND NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YO—"

"Look, everyone!" Luka happily called out to the street. "It's _the _Thomas Astruc."

Every head on the sidewalk turned at the name. Wide-eyes and dropped jaws filled the streets as the word Astruc spread through the crowd. Many made the Sign of Astruc and prostrated themselves.

"Is that him?"

"Could it be?"

"It has to be!"

"It is him!"

"T'is the Second Coming!" one cried, waving the Book of Astruc at the sky.

"All hail Astruc!" the crowd chanted as they carried Astruc away on their shoulders. "Hail! Hail! Hail! All hail Astruc!"

"Wait! Where are you taking me?!' Astruc protested. "Stop! I haven't had my revenge yet! Put me down!"

But his cries went unheeded as the herd of devoted followers carried their god off to hopefully not be crucified. Luka politely waved.

"Goodbye, Mr. Astruc. A fine day to you, sir." Luka pulled out the Young Master's letter to Miss Dupain-Cheng and resumed editing.

END

_Yes, Astruc is still part of this story. He's just more in the second half._


	16. 14 Lila Strikes Back

_It never ends..._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_SEE? NOT SO EASY, IS IT?_

_{Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 14: Lila Strikes Back  
_By: I Write Big

There have been thousands upon thousands of years of debate on human morality. Why do we do what we do? What's the point? What do you mean I can't pick my nose in public? It's my nose! Such arguments famously ended in booze, fistfights, or a mixture of both. And those debates have resulted in dozens upon dozens of philosophical values and views that philosophers use to desperately categorize and explain our fucked up world.

However, whichever philosophy, creed, nationality, or whatever Youtuber you're willing to die for, there are two essential truths everyone can agree on.

One: any flavor is better than vanilla.

Two: we just suck at being good as a species.

"Today is Heroes Day, the one day of the year where everyone does at least one good deed for nothing in return like a true hero," Marinette sleepily explained as she descended the stairs to her family's bakery.

"Is that why the rest of the year you humans are complete dicks?" Tikki asked.

"Yes." Marinette yawned deeply and rubbed her eyes. It had been a long Akuma-filled night. She had only gotten to bed seconds before her alarm went off, which meant she was running on fumes. "Think of it like The Anti-Purge or The Anti-Cleansing only more French."

The practically sleepwalking girl trudged into the bakery where her parents were busy decorating a giant cake shaped like Ladybug's head.

"Good morning, sweetie!" Sabine sang. "We already did all of your chores for you!"

"And we made your Heroes Day good deed for your class." Tom handed his daughter a box of fresh macarons. "All you have to do is sign the card and take credit for our hard work."

Marinette took the freebie with a grateful smile. Of all the days to be half-asleep, Heroes Day had to be the best. No chores, no homework, no responsibility, no worries. Today would be an easy day.

She was horribly, _horribly_ wrong.

_Meanwhile at the Agreste Mansion:_

Adrien wasn't doing so well either. He had gotten even less rest than Marinette, having landed in his room just as the alarm that told him it was time to do his morning model workout routine went off.

He yawned and mumbled and grumbled through his jumping jacks, crunches, and steroid injections, only pausing to glance out his window. His Father was outside, a visible plume of steam billowed off his bubbling skin. He was standing before a marble statue of Mother.

Adrien gave the poor man a sympathetic smile, vaguely recalling Ape-Man's pleas to be there for his Father. The boy decided then and there to spend the rest of Heroes Day with his Father after school. He grabbed his backpack and left.

_ Outside: _

"ZZZzzzZZZ, ultimate power," Gabriel Agreste snored as the sun slowly killed him. "zzzZZZzzz, Emilie, what do you think of Nathalie? ZZZzzzZZZ, no, I'm not suggesting a threesome. I'm just asking—"

"Sir." Nathalie appeared at his side, waking the man.

"Huh?! What'sa? Who?" Gabriel wiped the drool from his face and stepped into the shade. "Oh, Nathalie, I must have fallen asleep. Sorry, it was a long night."

"You have to see this, sir." Nathalie excitedly tapped on her tablet. "I crafted a plan that will allow you to take over the entire city. I took the liberty of paying the mayor to reroute the Heroes Day parade to continuously circle around Lila Rossi's house and the entire city will be covered in pictures of Ladybug. This is the perfect opportunity! She'll get so angry being constantly reminded of the hero who ruined her life, she'll make a perfect Akuma!"

Nathalie waited for the praise, for the admiration, for maybe even a little respect.

What she got were more snores.

"ZZZzzzZZZ, more power, zzzZZZzzz, more butter, ZZZzzzZZZ, more bubblegum, zzzZZZzzz."

Nathalie groaned and left to get a wheelchair.

"ZZZzzzZZZ, more, Nathalie, more, whip me harder, I can take it, zzzZZZzzz."

* * *

_Later at school:_

"—and as the French Ambassador to the Kingdom of Atchoo, it is my diplomatic duty to entertain Prince Ali. I often help his Highness by feeding the poor, bathing lepers, and handing out the cure for cancer. Does that exist yet? Whatever, I say it does and that automatically makes it undoubtedly true because I don't lie." Lila concluded her ten-minute-long lie with a smile.

The rest of her class applauded the girl projected on the screen.

"Question!" Marinette growled, the lack of sleep fueling her fury. "You're in the Kingdom of Atchoo?"

"Y'up!" Lila lied.

"And not twenty blocks away locked in your house under House Arrest?"

"How the fuck do you know about—I mean, no."

Marinette narrowed her eyes. "If you're in Atchoo, where's your royally-mandated painting of Prince Ali?"

Lila stiffened. She scrambled out of frame. The class heard the breaking of porcelain and glass, accompanied by some colorful Italian curses. Finally, Lila jumped back into the frame and taped to the wall a hastily scribbled caricature of the Prince. It was drawn in crayon.

Marinette's eyes narrowed even further. "And your royally-mandated burqa?"

Lila dragged a half-full garbage can to herself and quickly threw the black plastic bag over her body. Rotten banana peels and empty soup cans spilled to the floor as Lila ripped two eye-holes in her _burqa._

Marinette's narrow eyes became slivers of hatred. "How about your royally-mandated male escort?"

The two beady eyes staring out of the trash bag swiveled back and forth before another hole was ripped into the side. A hand popped out, holding a He-Man action figure.

"I have the power!" He-Man insisted.

"Good enough for me," the entire class said at the same time.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Marinette screeched. "Alix, you're a time-traveler. You can tell us if she's lying or not, can't you?"

"Sorry, Marinette," Alix shrugged, "but Lila's one time-travel favor was specifically to never do that."

"I value my privacy," Lila excused.

"AAAAH!" Marinette roared. "You're not believing this crap, right, Alya? You can track where she's really blogging from or find where Prince Ali really is with one of your celebrity tracker blogs, right?"

"I'm alone," the bespectacled girl moaned, slumped over her desk. "My boyfriend dumped me. Nobody loves me. I feel nothing."

"Anyway!" Lila shouted. "If no one else wants to poke holes in my perfectly believable story, I am pleased to announce that for Heroes Day I've asked many world leaders to end all pollution, solve racism, and give everyone twenty bucks and they said yes!"

The class cheered.

"Astounding!" Max said. "Who could have hypothesized that protecting the environment would be that simple?"

"I know, nerd," Kim agreed. "And now that racism has been solved, I can finally have more than one black friend."

"Twenty!" Ivan gasped. "Twenty more than one! Ivan like twenty! Ivan buy candy!"

"Idiots! Idiots!" Marinette banged her head against her desk, hoping to wake from this bad dream. "They're all idiots!"

"Okay, I gotta go, guys," Lila waved. "Prince Ali is taking me to the coliseum to watch the peasants wrestle for oil. Bye!"

_In Lila's bedroom:_

The little liar disconnected the call and ripped off the smelly trash bag. She glared down at her ankle which was wrapped with an uncuttable belt. Attached to that was an unbreakable black box.

"Lila, who was that on the phone?" her mom asked as she walked in.

Lila quickly covered her anklet and blabbered the first words that came to mind. "My boyfriend Adrien! You know, he was lonely since he and everyone else from my shut down school are trapped in their homes because of the Akuma invasion. It is a warzone out there."

A parade balloon of Ladybug floated by the window.

"Woo! It's so peaceful and Akuma-free out here!" someone laughed over the joyous music.

Lila closed the window's blinds.

"Still?" her mom asked aghast. "It's been months since I've seen the sun. I thought the heroes would've gotten rid of the Akumas by now."

"Nope! Schools are closed, Paris is overrun with Akumas, and I'm not wearing an electrified ankle monitor because I'm under legal House Arrest. Also, you can never look outside to make sure I'm telling the truth, otherwise, the Akumas will get you!"

"Guess I have to use the underground catacombs to get to work again." The woman donned her mining helmet and lit her wooden torch. "Ciao, mia bella. Lunch is in the fridge."

She gave her daughter a goodbye kiss and then spelunked down into the murky caves below their home to brave the ravenous hordes of the undead under Paris. Lila only glared out the window at the balloon Ladybug. Her anger was starting to boil.

_In Gabriel's Office:_

Nathalie entered. "Sir," she said. "Lila should be ready—WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"What does it look like?" Nooroo spat back as it dunked Gabriel into a tub of water. "There's a lighthouse of pure, unadulterated, almost inhuman anger out there and Sleeping Beauty over here can't stay awake!"

"Gooseberries," Gabriel mumbled, then dripped on the carpet for a while and went back to dreamland.

Nathalie took him before the Kwami could drown the man and plopped Gabriel in his wheelchair. "Sir, you need to wake up. I have been planning this takeover for weeks. It's practically foolproof, sir. You need to wake up!" She slapped him across the face, but that only sent his chair spinning. Gabriel kept sleeping.

"Well, so much for your plan," Nooroo sighed. "A shame too. It's not every day that I get to akumatize a sociopath. They're pretty rare, you kno—"

"We are not giving up," Nathalie hissed. She grabbed the wheelchair and pushed Gabriel to the mini-elevator. "My plan is happening even if I have to do it myself."

_("Yeah, girl, take charge! Show 'em who's boss!")_

* * *

_Meanwhile at school:_

Principal Damocles swung into the classroom with his The Owl Grappling Hook. "Hoo-hoo, students!" said The Owl. "We may not all have superpowers but we can all be heroes. How will you be a hero today?"

Nino jumped to his feet. "With my newfound freedom to always wear pants again, I'm going back to my roots of scamming people out their money. I'm heading to a retirement home to pretend I'm their grandson and get some sweet sweet grandparent moolah like I do most weekends. Only this time, I'm bringing my DJ'ing equipment to put on a concert for the elderly."

The class cheered. Marinette was actually impressed.

Adrien joined in. "As a show of good faith to the future rulers of the world, I'll be giving Chinese lessons to my fencing class and my Chinese class a lesson in fencing. For the greater advancement of the communist state!"

Again the class cheered. Marinette glanced guiltily down at her pathetic box of macarons.

Alya dragged herself to her feet and did a spot-on impression of Juleka. "I'm going to build ramps for the handicapped and then throw myself off bridges until I can feel something again."

That got the loudest applause of them all. Now, it was Marinette's turn. Overwhelmed by all these admittedly above and beyond good deeds, the words dried up in her mouth.

"Marinette?" The Owl prompted. "What about you?"

"I… um, uh… I'm not sure..."

"Ooh, I know!" Chloe called out, thinking she was being helpful. "Dupain-Cheng brought us macarons that her parents baked while pretending she baked them like she does every Heroes Day. It's literally the least she can do." Chloe beamed, proud of how nice and friendly she was.

"NO!" Marinette blurted, hiding the macarons behind her back. "Don't be silly, Chloe, that's not what I did. I'm not that uncaring. I, uh, I, um, I'm planning a school-wide food tasting picnic tonight and you're all invited!"

The class gasped with joy.

"That's right, you should gasp with joy!" Marinette continued, digging herself deeper. "There'll be fresh croissants and pastries and fruit pies and cakes and brownies and baguettes and chocolate and a magician and a fire-breather and the President and mimes, so many mimes."

"Did somebody say mime?" Fred Haprele slid into the room with his mime hat.

"Not you."

"Awwww…" Fred sulked out.

"Who wants to come to the greatest food tasting in the history of Paris?" Marinette asked and the class chanted her name. "Wow, no wonder Lila lies all the time. Lying makes life so much easier."

_Later, at the bakery:_

"Marinette, you've just made your life so much harder," Tom said.

"What? No," Marinette scoffed. "We just need to bake enough sweets and breads to feed an entire class of hungry teenagers, hire a couple of homeless people to do the entertainment, and buy a bouncy castle all in less than an hour."

Tom and Sabine exchanged looks.

"Honey," Sabine said, "when we said it doesn't matter whether or not people lie, we didn't mean you should go out and lie nonstop."

"Why not?! You said it yourself, everybody lies!"

"Yes," Tom admitted. "They lie about small things, they lie to protect feelings. Not about throwing a party big enough to put us in debt until our grandchildren's grandchildren retire." He put a fatherly hand on her shoulder. "Back in our day, your mom and I told a similar lie to the Culinary Titans. We said we had this huge doomsday device that would destroy The Owl once and for all. But we only said that because Cardboard Girl had built her own doomsday device and we didn't want to look stupid. We ended up looking stupid anyways when we couldn't deliver."

Sabine wrapped an arm around Marinette's shoulders. "It's not too late to come out and tell the truth. They're your friends, they'll understand."

Marinette blinked. "They are not my friends. They are the neanderthals who decide whether or not the rest of my school-life is miserable."

"Oh." Tom and Sabine exchanged looks again. "Then you're fucked."

"GAAAH!" Marinette grabbed the baking list and ran upstairs to the kitchen.

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Adrien finished his lunch at his usual lonely spot before pulling out his phone and dialing. After a few rings, his Father appeared on the screen. For a reason that Adrien couldn't put his finger on, he thought his Father looked different. It was his eyes. They seemed more… painted-on-his-eyelids-ish.

"What is it, son?" his Father asked in the scraggly voice of a woman attempting to imitate a man. A feminine hand tugged on his chin to make his mouth flap with the words.

"Father, I know it's short notice, but my friend is throwing a picnic tonight and I wanted to go and..." Adrien took a steady breath. "And I wanted to know if you'd like to come too."

"You… me?" The feminine voice sounded both astounded and moved.

"ZZZzzzZZZ, I'm Hawkmoth—"

The feminine hand slapped over his Father's mouth and started pursing and unpursing the man's lips. "That sounds swell, son," the feminine voice said.

"Really?" Adrien gasped. "You'll come?"

"You betcha, sonny boy," the feminine voice said, doing her best to sound natural. "We'll play catch and drink beer and I'll show you how to shave your beard."

"I don't have a beard."

"I'll get you one and then we'll shave it together as father and son."

"I can't wait! See you then. I love you, Father."

"Iuuhluvveeyuuu," the feminine voice awkwardly slurred. It was the most Gabriel Agreste thing she said. The call ended and Nathalie gratefully dropped the still dead-asleep Gabriel into his wheelchair.

"Finally," she groaned. "Thought that would never end." Her tablet dinged. "Fuck! We're on the air in five!" Nathalie touched up Gabriel's fake eyes, heaved him back on his feet and started strapping herself to his back.

Nooroo watched from the sidelines. "This would go a lot easier if I just possessed him."

_("You are not going near him until he wakes up!")_ Nathalie shouted back.

Nooroo attempted to shrink into the corner. It wasn't afraid of humans. Especially not this one. Not in the least. It just felt like listening to her and her red/blue eyes. That's all.

"Duusu," it whispered, "what did you do to her?"

_("I'm so proud,")_ Duusu sniffled.

_In Lila's Room:_

Lila was on her laptop, switching from site to site. All she saw was people celebrating Ladybug, cosplaying as Ladybug, Ladybugs making out with other Ladybugs. Ladybug. Ladybug! LADYBUG! NOTHING BUT LADYBUG!

She arrived at a live interview with Gabriel Agreste.

"That's right!" Gabriel somehow said in a feminine voice while snoring and drooling. His arms, which were tied to something behind him with lengths of rope, raised into the air for dramatic effect. "In honor of Ladybug, I have personally financed this entire celebration—"

"ZZZzzzZZZ, I'm Hawkmoth—"

He slapped a hand over his own mouth and pressed on, "—because there's no one better, more heroic, or sexier than Ladybug, least of all Lila Rossi. Ladybug specifically asked me to say that Lila Rossi sucks. Lila, if you're watching this, please look out your window."

Lila did. She saw a Ladybug-themed plane pass by, dragging the words _LILA SUCKS!_

That was all she could take. Lila hurled her laptop at the wall and screamed, "I hate you, Ladybug!"

_In the hidden tower:_

"She's ready to blow," Nooroo said at the spiral window as Nathalie untied Gabriel. "It's now or never."

"Come on, sir, get up," Nathalie pleaded, employing the classic shake-him-silly strategy.

"ZZZzzzZZZ, table for Hawkmoth? Yes, that's me, zzzZZZzzz."

"Sir!"

"We're gonna lose her," Nooroo announced. "She's simmering down. Seeing reason. Letting things go like a healthy adult. Growing as a person."

"SIR!"

"ZZZzzzZZZ, it's pronounced Hawkmoth, zzzZZZzzz."

_("Nat.")_ Duusu's voice made Nathalie freeze. _("You know what you need to do.")_

She did know. It was the perfect amount of dumb and reasonable that meant it simply had to work. And it was turning her cheeks into tomatoes. Making sure Nooroo was focused on the spiral window, Nathalie leaned forward and whispered gently into Gabriel's ear, "Wake up, Gabby-poo."

She didn't see him get up. He just was. One second he was in his chair, drooling a river. The next he was standing at attention, not sure how he got there.

"I'm up! I'm up!" he shouted. "What's going on?"

"No time!" Nathalie shouted back. "Transform now!"

Currently in that limbo state of half-awake, Gabriel immediately obliged. "Nooroo, dark wings rise." In a powerful pulse of purple, he transformed into Hawkmoth. "Alright, now what?"

"Akumatize Lila! Quickly!"

Hawkmoth yawned. Long and deep. He smacked his lips a few times, wondered why his mouth tasted like nail polish, and scratched his—

Nathalie slapped him. "NOW!"

"Okay, okay." He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

_In Lila's room:_

Lila finished crying every tear she had. Now it was the great lengths she had gone through to continue her lie that caught her attention. The stupid Prince portrait, the disgusting the trash bag. What was it all for? Why keep lying? She was only making herself more miserable.

"Maybe… I should tell the truth," she whispered. "All these lies are trapping me. What am I even getting out of—"

She saw the black butterfly fluttering before her.

"Nevermind." Lila grinned. "Totally worth it."

The butterfly shattered on her bracelet and a pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Oh, Lila, it's you," said Hawkmoth. "Didn't think I'd see you again. How's it goin—"

"Tell me what to do, Hawkmoth." Lila's grin reached that special level of wide and sharp that struck the chords of the purest evil. "I'm ready to hurt anyone."

"Whoa..." Hawkmoth took a step back. "By anyone you mean specifically the person who wronged you, right?"

"People are nothing but prizes to win and discard after they've outgrown their use. I don't care who gets in my way, I don't care who suffers. As long as I get what I want, I am willing to do _anything to anyone_."

There was no demonic laugh, no color-changing eyes, no invisible vacuum taking his magic, just a normal girl. Yet Lila's striking words and her intense stare frightened Hawkmoth more than Chloe or Andre Glacier. This was... _Duusu level._ He glanced nervously at Nathalie.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked.

Nathalie nodded vigorously.

Despite every instinct telling him not to, Hawkmoth gave the order. Lila was swallowed by bubbling darkness and she was transformed into… Volpina!

"I'm back, baby!"

* * *

_ Later: _

Volpina glared from the top of the Eiffel Tower at the Heroes Day parade, which was on its 78th lap around the Rossi household. The people were loving it. Children and their parents cheered at the sight of the giant parade balloons shaped like the protectors of Paris.

"We can't have that," Volpina chuckled. She raised her flute and played some horribly off-key notes.

In a blast of golden dust, Chat Noir appeared on top of the parade balloons.

"Hey, look at me! I'm Chat Noir! I suck at being a superhero and think puns are the ultimate form of humor which is why nobody likes me! Hooowee, do I have a surprise for you, people."

Another blast of golden dust and Ladybug was up there with him. Only Ladybug's costume was inverted! Black spandex with red dots!

"Hey, look at me! I'm Ladybug! I have anger issues and I have been akumatized by Hawkmoth! Yippee!"

"Yippee!" whooped Chat Noir. "Oh boy! We're gonna fight!"

Gasps and shouts erupted from the crowd below. Phones were raised to record the epic clash.

Ladybug slapped Chat Noir's arm. "Take that!"

Chat Noir slapped Ladybug's arm. "No, you take that!"

"Well, how about this?" Ladybug slapped Chat Noir's other arm.

"You fiend!" Chat Noir slapped Ladybug's other arm.

Ladybug turned to the people. "You guys buying this?"

There were many fearful nods.

"Okay, time for the grand finale." Chat Noir raised his paw. "Cataclysm!"

Ladybug calmly took that glowing paw and pressed it against his chest.

"Hooray! Finally, I'm dead!" Chat Noir cheered as he crumbled to dust.

All around Paris, the people gasped in true horror! Their beloved heroes were gone!

"Well golly gee willikers," Ladybug said, taking the Miraculous ring from the pile of ashy remains. "That got super dark super quick. Okay, everyone, I'mma go and deliver the Miraculous to Hawkmoth. You all stay terrified, got it? See ya!" She swung away.

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth couldn't believe what he just saw. "We did it? WE DID IT, NATHALIE! After all this time, we at last have Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous! Muahaha—"

Nathalie groaned. "That was an illusion, sir."

The supervillain cleared his throat and silently hid his blush. "I knew that."

"This was only the first part of my plan," Nathalie excitedly explained, her eyes glowing with hints of red and blue. "Now that Paris has lost Ladybug and Chat Noir, can't you feel the sadness? _The disappointment? Can't you feel the chasm of despair and (fear about to open and swallow up every single Parisian?")_

Hawkmoth stared. "...So?"

Nathalie groaned, losing all color in her eyes. "Just un-akumatize Lila."

"Un-akumatize? Without even fighting the real Ladybug and Chat Noir?" Hawkmoth scoffed. "Fine, alright, it's your crazy plan." He snapped his fingers.

On the Eiffel Tower, Volpina laughed menacingly at the panicking citizens. "Yes, cower, fear, you miserable whelps, as I take my rightful place as—" She was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into Lila. "Huh?! What?! NO! Come back! I wasn't finished! You can't blue-ball me like that!"

The little black box on her ankle started to beep.

"Uh oh."

_ZAP!_

50 volts of electricity crackled through her body and she dropped to the floor.

The butterfly ignored her and flapped all the way back to the hidden tower.

"Now what?" Hawkmoth sighed, still not seeing where this was going.

"Do me," Nathalie said.

Hawkmoth blushed but obediently reached for his zipper.

"I meant to transform me! Akumatize me!"

"Oh!" Hawkmoth zipped himself back up. "That makes more sense." He filled another butterfly with darkness and promptly stomped on Nathalie's toes.

"OW! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

Sensing her anger, the butterfly shattered on her tablet. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man. They were both deafened by earsplitting magical microphone feedback!

"AAAH! Too close! You're too close!" one of them screamed, but it was impossible to tell which.

Hawkmoth and Nathalie ran to opposite sides of the hidden tower, covering their ears.

"Say you accept the powers!" Hawkmoth shouted.

"What? What did you say?" Nathalie shouted back.

"Was that a yes?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Who?"

"I'm going to take that as a yes!"

"Sir, wait, I think this was a bad idea! I've changed my min—" Nathalie was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into... Nathalie. With purple skin. Wearing a black bicycle helmet with a red lightning bolt across the visor.

"Huh," Hawkmoth said, unimpressed. "Usually Akumas are more… creative."

"Helloooooooo, Hawkmoth!" The Akuma overflowed with unbridled energy, using both hands to wave at the man so fast that her arms became purple blurs. "The name's Catalyst and I'm here to pump—" she clappity-clap-clapped like a fitness instructor, "—you up!"

Hawkmoth's eyes twitched, "Oh no..."

"Oh yes!"

Catalyst shot across the room, leaving a trail of fire, pressed her entire body against Hawkmoth and waltzed/dragged him through the butterflies.

"I'm gonna take that flabby body of yours and give it a workout. You thought two Akumas in a row was tough? That ain't nothing! Wait until you akumatize a whole damn city!" She gave him a twirl and theatrically pointed out the spiral window. When Hawkmoth stopped spinning, he looked out over the entirety of Paris.

"The whole city…?" he whispered. "No, I couldn't—"

A purple hand spanked his ass.

"Hey! What did you do that for? Why are my pants red?!"

"I already told you! I'm here to pump!" Catalyst cartwheeled around him and slapped his belly, turning his torso red. "You!" She slapped the head of his cane, making that red as well. "Up!" She stood on her tiptoes and leaned close to his face before poking his nose. "Boop."

Hawkmoth's silver mask turned red and a tidal wave of magic filled his body.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Catalyst proclaimed to the world, "presenting for the first time, the one, the only, SCARLET MOTH!"

The new supervillain felt the massive magical reserves in his veins. He never thought he could be this powerful. With this much magic, he could akumatize… a city.

"Yes..." he cackled. "Yes… This is it! This will turn the tides! All of Paris will be my—"

Red magic fired out of his cane like a machine gun.

"Get down!"

Scarlet Moth and Catalyst dove for cover as every last butterfly was shot and turned a dark red. As the villains cowered from the bullet barrage, the army of red insects fluttered out the window.

* * *

_In the Dupain-Cheng kitchen:_

Lunch was over in about 20 minutes and Marinette was close to breaking.

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug shouted for the millionth time and down came a polka-dotted note that said _TELL THE TRUTH._ "Fuck you!" she told the paper and de-transformed.

"Ugh," Tikki grumbled, her bulbous eyes spinning in opposite directions. "All this constant transforming is making me dizzy."

"Suck it up!" Marinette shoved a cookie into the Kwami's mouth before crumbling up the note and tossing it into the pile of polka-dotted apology cards, Sorry I Lied fruit baskets, and Let's All Be Friends flower bouquets. "My Lucky Charm has to work eventually and give me my party. Now eat!"

The temperature in the room dropped twenty degrees and Marinette knew she had made a terrible mistake. Tikki stared back at her, never breaking eye contact as she finished her cookie.

"It's been, what, twenty Akumas since I last possessed you?" Tikki asked. "That seems like a safe amount of time to wait."

Marinette whipped around and bolted for the door only for a ball of ice to collide with her spine. The ice spread up and down her body from the ends of her fingers to the tips of her toes. Without wanting to, she grabbed her backpack and spoke in a hoarse voice that was more zombie than human.

"Time to face the music, Marinette."

_Later, outside the school:_

Marinette's joints creaked and cracked as she was forcefully marched towards her doom. Trapped in her own mind, she tried to reassure herself. People get in over their heads all the time. This will all blow over by next week. So what if there's no party? It's not like anyone was counting on it.

"Marinette!" Adrien's voice stopped her in her tracks. Tikki popped out and slipped into her purse with a grin. "This is awesome!" Adrien said happily. "My Father and I are coming to your food tasting. This is the first time he's ever agreed to come outside for something other than business. We're finally going to spend time together and it's all thanks to you and your party."

Marinette's eye spasmed. "That's… I'm sure he's… never?"

"Never!" Adrien began to cry. "I thought I'd never be able to spend time with him just as father and son, but you made it happen. Thank you, Marinette. I can always count on you. You always do the right thing."

Marinette experienced that nauseating sensation one usually feels when they're about to walk off the edge of a cliff and into a pool of sharks that had chainsaws strapped to their heads. She drifted into the school, waiting for the rest of the students to swarm her and demand when and where the party would be. Instead, everyone was hunched over their phones with looks of despair.

"What's going on?" she asked.

Rose held up her phone. "Chat Noir is dead!"

Marinette gasped. "He is? Yes!"

"No, I'm not," said Adrien. "I mean, oh no, who committed such an atrocity?!"

"Ladybug!" Rose wept.

Marinette stopped her victory dance. "Say what now?"

"It was only a matter of time," Juleka sighed.

Not seeing how any of this made sense, Marinette and Adrien watched the news broadcast on Rose's phone. A crowded candlelight vigil was being held at the foot of the Eiffel Tower.

"We're here to honor the memory of Paris's most beloved hero: Ladybug," Nadia Chamak reported through the tears. "She was taken before her time by Hawkmoth and forced to kill Chat Noir." The camera panned to the outhouse where the Chat Noir memorial service was being held. There was nothing but a single blurry photo of the cat-boy next to a single can of expired cat food. No one was in attendance.

"Oh come on!" Adrien shouted for some reason.

"Heroes Day has been officially canceled," Nadia continued. "There's no way any of us can celebrate on this day filled with such sadness and emotional vulnerability."

Then a cascade of red butterflies descended on the crowd! Dozens were instantly akumatized! Screaming! Panic! Hysteria! All of it ensued before the feed was cut!

Everyone stared at the _Technical Difficulties _card that showed a cartoony image of Mayor Bourgeois having a tough time reconstructing the Eiffel Tower.

"Um… is that bad?" Rose asked.

"You mean, is the fact that Hawkmoth has figured out how to akumatize more than one person bad?" Juleka asked.

"Do you think this is a problem?" the mass of red butterflies looming over their shoulders asked.

Everybody screamed.

The red butterflies scattered around the school, chasing students and teachers alike! Many were cornered and instantly akumatized into their previous Akuma forms, only dyed in a dark red!

"Oh, what a shame," Marinette whined with a smile. "Guess my party is going to be canceled."

In the pandemonium, Chloe Bourgeois chuckled haughtily to herself. "Don't worry, commoners, I know what I have to do." And she marched through the red sea and out of the school without a wing touching her.

"What the—?!" Marinette gawked. "How did she—How the hell did Chloe not get caught?"

As Marinette pondered, a nude Miss Bustier called out, "Strip! They can't akumatize you if you don't have anything to akumatize." This strategy was surprisingly working.

Marinette turned her pondering eye to Alya, the only person not panicking. The girl was hunkered into a ball against the wall, completely exposed, and yet the butterflies didn't go near her.

"Nothing," Alya moaned. "I have nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing."

Then it clicked. "That's it!" Marinette gasped. "Fear! Everyone, listen to me, don't be afraid! The Akumas can't get you if you don't show fear—"

THUD!

Miss Mendeleiev landed in the center of the school courtyard with what looked like the entire science lab on her back. With a sharp twist of a valve, she pointed a pipe at the kaleidoscope of evil.

"Eat science, motherfuckers!"

A pillar of flame erupted out of the pipe! The science teacher laughed like a madwoman as every butterfly was burned to ash!

"Or fire," Marinette relented. "Fire works too." Then she ran to the bathroom to transform into Ladybug.

_ Outside: _

Adrien grabbed a doorknob, searching for a good place to transform into Chat Noir, but then a giant furry red fist grabbed him. It was Gorizilla!

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Oook."

"Really? That good?"

"Oook."

"So, I'm your prisoner again?"

"Oook."

"Cool."

* * *

_In the hidden tower:_

Scarlet Moth watched his cane fly through the air, spouting streams of red magic like a neverending comet getting a visit from Aunt Flo.

"Okay, what now?" he asked.

"Now?" Catalyst snickered. "Now you order your Akuma army to gather at the Eiffel Tower. It's time for you grand—" Clappity-clap-clap! "—public debut!"

"My what?!"

"We're gonna show the world your beautiful face! Which means we got a few minutes to squeeze in a final workout." She shoved him to the ground and sat on his back. "Give me fifty pushups!"

* * *

_Back at the school:_

Ladybug landed on the roof and took a deep invigorating breath.

"It's a brand new day," she said as the ranks of Akumas marched down the street. "Hawkmoth may be ultra-powerful and on the verge of winning, but at least Chat Noir is dead. Best. Day. EVER!"

She lassoed a rooftop and swung towards Fu's Massage Parlor, unaware that Vanisher was following.

_With Adrien:_

Plagg finally managed to squeeze through Gorizilla's fur and out of Adrien's pocket.

"Don't worry, man," he said. "I'll get you out of this."

"Uh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea, Plagg," Adrien said. "Based on what LB said happened last time, your help might be a bit intense."

"No, no, it'll be fine, I got a plan." Before Adrien could stop him, Plagg floated behind Gorizilla and ever so carefully blew a gentle breath on the cobblestone. Hairline cracks sprouted in the road, growing wider as they neared Gorizilla. Finally, a large patch of cracks formed right under the giant ape's hand-foot… and woke the undead.

Millions of skeletons breached the weakened barrier and grabbed the furry hand-foot!

"Oook!" Gorizilla cried before the unholy horde dragged him into the depths.

Adrien landed on the edge of the newly formed chasm of death and stared at Plagg.

"Oops, my bad," Plagg shrugged.

"What are you?" Adrien whispered.

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug skipped along the abandoned streets, happy as a clam. She'd never met a clam before or knew what they had to be so happy about, but she shared their clammy mirth.

"No more puns!" she sang and spun around a lampost. "No more bad touching! No more dealing with rumors that we're dating! No more LB, Bugaboo, or M'Lady! No more punching bag to vent my anger!" She lost the rhythm. "No one to listen to me complain about my life. No more letters to help me remember the days I'm forgetting… No more getting those strawberry pastries that I like that unexpectedly come with those letters… No one who gives a damn about my problems… No one..."

Ladybug froze. There was no more singing. A couple of feet behind her, Vanisher tried to be even more invisible.

"No… No, no, no, NO!" Ladybug whimpered. She dropped to her knees, which confused Vanisher. The villain wondered if this was part of the Ancient Chinese ritual to summon the Guardian of the Miraculous. It was either that or Ladybug just realized she'd lost her only real friend. The heroine choked. "Idon'tmisshimIdon'tmisshimIdon'tmisshim—I MISS HIM!"

To Vanisher's greater confusion, Ladybug proceeded to bawl her eyes out. This wasn't sniffles and a few tears, this was full-on Ugly Cry. Snot waterfalls, mascara rivers, and incoherent blabbering, the whole nine yards and then some.

"He-He-He sucked at it being a hero but-but-but-but, dammit, he always tried to h-h-h-h-heeeeeelp!" Ladybug fell on her belly and pounded the street with her fist, caving in the road. Several cars slipped into the sewers. "I hated his guts but he was still my friend! Why? Why?! WHY?!"

Then a massive skeletal wretch wearing a crown of skulls slithered out of the hole Ladybug had created. "I am the Lich King of the Undead!" it growled with the innumerable voices of the damned. "Thou hast liberated me from mine eternal prison, mortal! Name thy prize and it shall be yours!"

"Give me back Chat Noir!" Ladybug blubbered.

"Ooh, verily, no, I am more of a smiting Lich King. Resurrection isn't really my thing. Tell thee what, I owe thou one." It gave her its business card. "Call me when thou needest somebody smited or if thou just needest a ride. Later." And the unholy abomination slithered back into the sewers, now free to spread its torment to the rest of the Earth.

Ladybug resumed crying. Her punches of agony struck a sewer pipe and a jet of greywater hit Vanisher in the face. The sudden attack knocked the villain out cold and made her visible again. Still crying, Ladybug went over to her, cracked her glasses, and de-evilized the red butterfly that came out.

"If Chat was here," she sniveled, "he'd make a pun about _not_ _seeing_ that coming."

_Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

The tear-stained girl kicked in the door, launching Fu across the room.

"Marinette, you alright?" he asked.

"If Chat was here," she hiccuped, "he'd raid your fridge for milk, dump it all over the floor and then make a pun about not crying over spilled milk. Oh Astruc, he's gone!" Marinette grabbed Fu and squeezed him tightly. "Chat is gone, Fu! Why do I care so much?!"

"Stockholm syndrome," Tikki jokingly suggested.

"YES!" Marinette screamed, latching onto Tikki's words like a life preserver. "That must be it! I don't actually miss Chat Noir, I was just trapped with him for so long that he got into my head and tricked me into thinking that I care! That bastard! I'm going to kill hi—" She choked. "He's already dead! That jerk!"

"Um, it alright, Marinette," Fu awkwardly comforted the girl he'd learned to fear. "Me know loss is hard, but, in time, me also know you will move on."

"I don't wanna move on! I want Chat Noir!" Marinette wailed, then immediately growled, "So I can kill him for getting himself killed!" Her puffy eyes shot open and her voice became more unhinged than Fu's kicked-down door. "Is there a pet sematary nearby where I can Stephen King him back? Or maybe I'll collect his ashes in a bucket and strike it with lightning. Why not? It worked in Frankenstein! No, wait, there's gotta be some combination of Miraculous that can bring him back, right?"

It got very quiet.

"Right?" she wheezed.

Fu, Wayzz, and Tikki exchanged nervous glances.

"You know what'll get your mind off this, Marinette?" Tikki quickly stepped in with a super-forced smile. "Making everyone else take care of your problems while taunting Chloe about how she can't be Queen Bee. Doesn't that sound fun?"

Marinette wiped away the tears and shoved Tikki aside.

"There is, isn't there, Fu?" she asked with disturbing amounts of _calm._

Fu's lips moved silently. She picked him up by the collar. Claws ripped through his shirt. Urine dripped down his jeans.

"You tell me right now or you're going to have pretzels for legs again."

"Me!" Wayzz shouted.

Marinette quirked an eyebrow at the little green Kwami. "You?"

"Yes, me and the Fox Miraculous," Wayzz lied like a true hero. "With our powers combined, we can bring back anyone from the dead!"

"No, Wayzz, you fool!" Tikki added with drama. "How could you reveal your secret power like that? How, I say? How?"

With a snarl, Marinette took Fu's jade bracelet, ripped the mystical record player in half, and took the Fox Miraculous. She left Fu all by his lonesome to wonder what Marinette would do with those new fangs of hers when it didn't work.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Chat Noir knew this day would come. His Lady's feisty temper was sexy yet dangerous. It was only a matter of when the Akumas found her. He watched the Akuma army gather at the foot of the Eiffel Tower from his tactical hiding spot. His akumatized Lady was in their ranks somewhere, and he was absolutely convinced that he could free her from Hawkmoth's control with true love's kiss just like in his animes. He spritzed some cheese-flavored breath spray into his mouth and practiced his lines.

"With this kiss, I break the spell, M'Lady. Come back to me." He suavely kissed the nearest chimney who promptly filed for a restraining order. Chat Noir smacked his lips a few times. "Ugh, my lips are so dry. That's no way to kiss my Bugaboo. She deserves lips as soft and pliable as a baby's bottom."

While his battle staff had many functions, it did not come with any chapstick. Thankfully, Chat Noir knew someone who always had a fresh supply of the most expensive chapstick made with real flecks of gold. Chat Noir headed for the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel.

* * *

_At the school locker room:_

While the streets were still filled with red butterflies, the only occupants hiding amongst the lockers were Nino and Alya.

"The trick is to go after the grandparents with low-grade eyesight," Nino explained with the air of a master. "For some reason, dude, they're the most eager to give out money." He then took notice of the girl's distance. "Alya, are you, uh, are you okay?"

"I'm fine…" the Alya ball mumbled from her corner.

"ALYA! NINO!" a voice cried in the distance.

Both turned expectantly to the door. Ladybug smashed through the ceiling. Foam frothed from the heroine's mouth as she shoved two oriental jewel boxes into their hands.

"You were Rena Rouge and Carapace the whole time! Surprise!" she shrieked like a maniac. "Now, transform, dammit!"

Alya sighed. "Whatever. I don't care anymore. Sign me up for the demon war." She opened the jewel box and Trixx came into existence.

"Muffin!" the fox Kwami squealed in delight. She snuggled against Alya as if the girl were a puppy. "You ready for another hunt, Muffin? Are you? Are you? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! That's a good human slave."

"Trixx, let's pounce," Alya mumbled and in a depressed razzle of orange, she transformed into Rena Rouge.

"Whoa! Wait! What?! WHOA!" Nino eloquently put. "My ex is Rena Rouge? I dumped Rena Rouge?!" He thought about this. "Does that make me a villain?"

A spark of life shone through Rena Rouge's gloom. "Yeah… yeah, that's right, Nino," she said, her confidence and sass returning. "You missed out on dating a superhero. Bet you're feeling pretty stupid for dumping me now, aren't yo—"

She saw the oriental jewel box in his hand.

"Oh my Astruc, you're Chat Noir."

"Not even close, dude." Nino opened his jewel box and out came Wayzz.

"It is I!" the Kwami exclaimed, keeping an anxious eye on Ladybug. "One of the two ingredients needed to bring someone back from the dead. Y'up, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."

"Really? Totally awesome, dude. Wayzz, shell on!" In a glow of green, he transformed into Carapace.

"Wait, you were a superhero too?" Rena Rouge asked. "So the whole being a spineless wimp who couldn't stand up for himself and did whatever I said, including dressing as a girl, was all just an act to protect your secret identity. Nino, you're a genius!"

"Yeah, sure," Nino avoided all eye contact, "totally an act."

"ENOUGH!" A pair of polka-dotted claws grabbed both heroes by the collars. "We have a cat to resurrect! AND THEN SKIN!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, on Chloe's roof:_

The Bee Signal shined into the sky. Despite it being noon on a bright and sunny day, the signal was powerful enough to project the Queen Bee insignia onto the clouds and had already crashed several planes. Chloe stood vigilant by the light, waiting for the call. She was absolutely convinced Ladybug needed her for this emergency.

"Hey, Chloe."

The girl whipped around. Chat Noir was there on her rooftop. An urge to whine and complain about getting recruited by the useless sidekick crawled up her throat, but that wouldn't have been nice so Chloe held it down. She waited patiently for Chat Noir to give her the Bee Miraculous.

"You got any chapstick?" he asked.

Chloe squinted at the boy. Was that a trick question? No, it had to be a test! A nice test! A _hero_ test! A nice person, a true hero, would always give chapstick to those in need. With flair and grace befitting a superhero, she produced the chapstick from her purse and handed it over. Chat Noir greased his lips, blew a few raspberries, and gave the chapstick back.

"Thanks!"

He left.

Chloe quietly watched him become a speck in the distance, absolutely convinced this was still part of the test.

* * *

_Later, near the Eiffel Tower:_

The red Akuma army was gathered below the monument. A few blocks away, Ladybug landed on a rooftop, dragging Rena Rouge and Carapace behind her.

"Now, fuse!" she ordered.

Rena Rouge and Carapace exchanged glances.

"Uh," Rena said. "You want us to..."

"Fuse!"

"I dunno, Ladydude," Carapace said. "We kinda just broke up and—"

"FUSE!"

Ladybug grabbed the two and smashed them together. The finer details of magic were a mystery to the girl and her tried and true method of physically forcing things to work only pressed the exes's faces into each other. As soon as their lips touched, a small flame which both thought had been long extinguished reignited into an inferno of raging hormones. Carapace and Rena Rouge wrapped their arms around each other and went to town.

"No! That's not what I meant!" Ladybug shouted at the writhing mass of limbs. "I meant to combine the magic of your Miracu—HEY! WHOA! STOP GETTING NAKED!"

Ladybug shielded her eyes as the _fusing_ intensified.

And then…

"...M'Lady..."

Thousands of times she had heard that annoying nickname but never had she been so happy to have it grace her ears. Her fingers parted ever so slightly and she peeked. There he was. Chat Noir, alive and well. Warmth spread through her chest. She realized that she was smiling. Tears brimmed as he took her in his arms.

"With this kiss, I break the spell."

Ladybug blinked. "Huh?"

"Come back to me," he whispered as he cupped her cheeks and leaned down with puckered lips.

"Whoa! What the fuck?" She suplexed him through the roof. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

"Freeing you from Hawkmoth's control through the power of love, LB," Chat Noir said between spitting out roof chunks.

"I was never akumatized!"

"Oh." Chat Noir shuffled his feet. "Can we pretend you are for like ten seconds?"

"Look, Rena Rouge!" Carapace said, momentarily breaking free from the wanton fusing. "It worked, Chat Noir is back."

"Less talky! More fusey!" Rena growled, pulling him back in.

"Bring me back? Wait..." Chat Noir said. He put the pieces together in his head and his eyes began to glisten with heartfelt tears. "Bugaboo, did you—"

"No!" Ladybug said.

"—think I was actually dead and—"

"NO!"

"—miss me so much that you were trying to bring me back to li—"

"Absolutely not! That is not even close to what this is. Obviously, I like to watch other couples make out, which is what I was doing while you were being fooled by what was clearly a-a-a—" She nearly slapped herself. "An illusion! Of course! Volpina must be working for Hawkmoth again."

_At the top of the Eiffel Tower:_

Lila, smokey and twitchy from the constant electrical shocks, crawled to the elevator and barely pushed the call button before her ankle monitor beeped again.

_ZAP!_

She missed the elevator.

_Down below:_

"She'll be our strongest opponent," Ladybug said. "We have to be careful around her."

_THUD!_

Someone new had landed on one of the Eiffel Tower's lower floors.

Ladybug gasped. "It can't be..."

Chat Noir gawped. "But it is..."

Rena Rouge and Carapace quickly put their clothes back on and gawked. "Who?"

The figure stood tall and gazed through his red mask at his army. It was him. The one who had terrorized their city for months. The one person Ladybug dreamed of killing more than Chat Noir.

"Ahem," Scarlet Moth cleared his diabolical throat and loosened his sweaty mask and adjusted his grip on his cane which was constantly spewing red magic. "H-Hi, everybody, glad you could m-m-make it," he nervously said, his voice cracking nonstop. "I'm-I'm-I'm, uh, not much of an outdoorsy, speak-in-public kind of guy. Kind of used to speaking in my hidden tower. I'm just glad there aren't any cameras—"

Several camera drones being controlled by Prime Queen floated up to him and broadcasted his evil speech to every screen in Paris.

Feeling the pressure, Scarlet Moth whimpered to the sky, "Catalyst, I don't know if I can do this."

"I know you can, Scarlet Moth!" Clappity-clap-clap! "Just speak from the heart and give it your all!"

"From the heart, from the heart, from the heart." Hawkmoth took a long breath, reached deep inside, and belted out his most profound, most sinister voice. "Ladybug and Chat Noir, behold my powerful army and know that you stand no chance! Give me your Miraculous now or else know crushing defeat! Muahahaha_hahahahahahaHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA__**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**_"

His chilling laugh echoed across the city. Then everything got very quiet.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir are alive?" a distant voice asked.

Scarlet Moth's smile dropped. "Oh fuck."

"He's talking to them so they must be alive and not under his control," another distant voice responded.

"NO! Shut up!" Scarlet Moth shouted. "This is supposed to be a dark moment!"

"Thou know-eth what, I wager that knave isn't even evil," a third distant voice claimed. "What a jester!"

A swarm of red butterflies attacked that last speaker and Darkblade was reborn. However, the damage was done. Chants of "Ladybug!" and even a few "Chat Noir!" filled the streets as the people felt hope once more. Their voices filled Ladybug with confidence and she stretched her yo-yo string into a garrote wire. This was it. Her versus Hawkmoth. For the first time since she'd gotten stuck with this stupid job, she was eager to work and kick some major ass.

"Ladybug!" an unexpected voice called.

Every hero and villain looked down.

"I get it!" Chloe said triumphantly, waving up to her idol from the road. "I totally get it. I can't be a true hero if I only rely on the Miraculous. I have to be a hero on my own. That was the test and I totally get it."

The non-superpowered, completely human girl filled with very breakable bones turned towards the Akuma army and charged.

"I'M A HERO!"

"Oh my Astruc, Chloe is about to die," said Ladybug.

INTERMISSION


	17. 15 Blue Chicken Waifu

_Ends never it..._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_TAKE YOUR TIME! I CAN WAIT!_

_{Once… Once upon a time…?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 15: Blue Chicken Waifu  
_By: I Write Big

No time has passed since the last chapter and yet, to Ladybug, it felt as if an entire week had gone by since Chloe Bourgeois bolted towards her death.

"CHLOE!" Chat Noir screamed his head off. Ladybug lassoed him before he could chase after her.

"Keep your pointy ears on," she said. "I want to see where she's going with this."

"WHERE SHE'S GOING? SHE'S GOING TO DIE!"

"Exactly." Ladybug leaned over the roof's edge hungrily.

On the Eiffel Tower, Scarlet Moth stared at the lone charging attacker, not entirely sure what the girl thought she was doing.

"...Okay..." he muttered.

He sent a wave of red butterflies. The insects washed over Chloe but not a single one shattered. Chloe kept charging.

"Okay," he said, a little more worried.

He snapped his fingers and Dark Cupid shot an arrow.

_KTHWIP!_

The black rose of anti-love hit Chloe square in the chest but her lips didn't turn black. Chloe kept charging.

"OKAY!" Scarlet Moth shouted, now in full panic mode. "SOMEBODY STOP HER!"

The entire Akuma army readied themselves! Stormy Weather conjured a lightning storm! Pharoah summoned the wings of Horus! The Mime loaded his invisible machine gun! Chloe charged past all of them! Princess Fragrance cocked her perfume blaster! Riposte brandished her hand-blade—WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK!

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Scarlet Moth roared as Chloe jumped into the elevator and began to rise towards him.

"Holy crap, she's actually gonna do it," Ladybug said.

"We have to cover her!" Chat Noir screamed.

"Do we though?"

"YES!" Chat Noir finally wriggled out of the yo-yo string and leaped into the army. Rena Rouge and Carapace were close behind.

"Fine," Ladybug sighed and followed.

Scarlet Moth could do nothing as the heroes distracted his soldiers while the elevator crawled ever closer. Every arrow and magical blast and mimed bullet was either blocked or redirected from stopping Chloe's approach. He shouldn't have been scared. He wasn't scared. There was no reason to be scared. This wasn't Anti-Bug or Queen Wasp. This was Chloe. This was just an average girl with abandonment issues. What was there to be scared of?

"Yo, Scarlet Moth," Catalyst asked from across the city, "why are you so scared?"

"I don't know!" he blubbered, giving a public demonstration on how not to look like everything is under control.

_Ding!_

The elevator doors opened and Scarlet Moth ran.

_In the fight:_

The heroes were making short work of the villains. Every few punches, Ladybug would hear the crack of something solid followed by the flutter of butterfly wings. She would then look up from her magazine to quickly de-evilize the insect and then resume reading.

"Isn't Ladybug going to help us?" Rena Rouge asked as she smashed Princess Fragrance's face into the concrete.

"Don't worry," Chat Noir said as he held Riposte in a chokehold. "She's conserving her strength for the final battle with Scarlet Moth."

"From the looks of it, dude," Carapace said as he shield-bashed Rogercop's robo-nuts, "she might not have to do anything. Chloe has totally got this."

_ Upstairs: _

"Why are you running?" Catalyst demanded. "WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!"

"I don't know!" Scarlet Moth wailed as he sped up the stairs. He could hear Chloe's feet pounding the grated metal steps close behind. "Maybe it has something to do with her always turning into an Akuma powerful and evil enough to nearly destroy the world!"

"But she's not an Akuma right now!"

"I never said my fear made sense!"

Catalyst stomped out her frustration, roaring endlessly at the spiral window. Her carefully crafted plan was falling apart!

_("Hey, Nat, you want my help or…?")_

"No!" she growled. "I can fix this! I got this! Scarlet Moth, stop being a big baby for five seconds, and tell Dark Cupid to head to the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel!"

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

_At the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:_

A press conference was being held by Mayor Andre Bourgeois. "People of Paris," he boldly said to the cameras, "We must not give in to tyranny and fear! We must stand against this threat together as one!"

"Mister Mayor, why is there a gassed up helicopter on your roof ready to take off and why is it spray-painted with the words 'So Long, Suckers!'?" asked a reporter.

The Mayor cleared his throat. "Martial Law!" he quickly declared and military police arrested every single reporter as the Mayor ran to the roof.

"I'm here, my darling, let's—OH WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed at the already flying helicopter.

"Sorry, Aardvark," his wife Audrey snooted down at him. "hhhYou took too long, I got impatient, hhhyou understand."

"I'm here now! Can't you land or throw me some rope?!"

"Nope. Too late."

Then the butler arrived. "Mademoiselle, I have found your necklace," he called, holding up the jewelry. A rope ladder unrolled from the helicopter and he climbed to safety.

"Audrey!" the Mayor shouted.

"I'm hhhwith you in spirit!"

The chopper swerved towards the sea where the gold-plated _SS Fashion Queen_ yacht waited with a year's supply of strawberry daiquiris and mojitos. But then Dark Cupid appeared in their path! He fired three arrows, striking the Mayor, Audrey, and the butler.

"hhhHey!" Audrey shouted down at Andre, poking her black-lipsticked face out of the helicopter. "You know who I suddenly hhhhate?"

"Our only daughter?" Andre replied.

"Actually, I already sort of hhhated her, but now I hhhate her a lot more. She's the hhhworst."

"I couldn't have put it better, Mademoiselle," concurred the butler.

Red butterflies shattered on each of them and they were all transformed into their red Akuma forms.

"YES! IT WORKED!" Catalyst cheered. "MY PLAN IS STILL IN THE GAME!"

_ Meanwhile: _

"I'm running out of Eiffel Tower here!" Scarlet Moth screeched. Something caught on the supervillain's toe and he tripped! Scrambling back to his feet, he discovered the obstacle was twitching and moaning Lila Rossi!

"Help..." she gurgled as her ankle monitor beeped.

_ZAP!_

A bright idea presented itself to Scarlet Moth. He flung a red butterfly at the girl and she was transformed into Volpina! The ankle monitor was gone.

"I have been electrocuted..." the medium-well-done villain said between gasps for air, "FOR THIRTY MINUTES!"

"Sucks to be you. Stop her!" Scarlet Moth ordered quickly and resumed running up the stairs.

"Stop her?" she sneered at the fleeing figure. "Like I'm going to do anything you s—"

Chloe elbowed Volpina over the railing and kept chasing Scarlet Moth.

Her prey was leaving a trail of tears now. "Catalyst! Do something! Please!" he begged.

"Five minutes! I'm almost ready!"

_Down below:_

Nearly all of the Akumas were gone. Chat Noir, Rena Rouge, and Carapace were just mopping up the last few stragglers. A small crowd of de-evilized and confused Parisians was gathered behind Ladybug and her magazine.

"Uh… shouldn't you be helping?" asked Officer Roger.

"Part of being the boss is not having to do any of the busywork," Ladybug replied absently.

"Ooh, that top looks _sooo_ cute," Rose giggled, pointing at a page.

"Yeah, but it's a little out of season," Ladybug shrugged and turned to the next page. "Now _this_. This adorable number would be perfect for the summer."

"D'awww! That is _sooo—_" _KTHWIP!_ "**UGLY**!"

Ladybug lowered her magazine.

_KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!_

Ladybug turned around. All of the rescued civilians glowered at her with jet-black lips. Above them hovered a smug Dark Cupid. Ladybug closed the magazine, set it aside, and calmly walked to her three stand-ins. They were all kicking Simon Says who was curled up into a ball on the ground. She gave Chat Noir a few taps. When she had his attention, she hooked a thumb over her shoulder. Chat Noir looked. Then he tapped Rena Rouge. She looked. She tapped Carapace. He looked.

"Fuck," Carapace said.

Everyone else shared the sentiment.

Red butterflies descended on the people and they were all re-akumatized! The army was back! All of the heroes's hard work had been undone in a matter of seconds!

"Is this a bad time to talk about our little _fusing_ sesh on the roof earlier?" Carapace asked Rena Rouge.

The fox-girl brightened. "You want to get back together?"

"I never said that."

"We should totally get back together! Oh my Astruc, that is—" _KTHWIP!_ "THE WORST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD!" she snarled through her black lips.

"Yeah, I totally agree," Carapace said as he restrained her.

_Up Above:_

"Reinforcements are here," Scarlet Moth heard Catalyst cackle.

A cloud of scarlet glitter dropped from the sky and solidified into a red Style Queen, Malediktator, and Despair Bear! Chloe arrived and saw the newcomers.

"Yes!" Scarlet Moth laughed. "Face what you truly dread, Chloe Bourgeois! Your mommy, your daddy, and your loyal butler! The people who care about you most turned into your worst enemies! Let the anxiety and fear cripple you as you—"

Chloe punted Despair Bear. The little toy smacked into Malediktator's face with a rubber ducky squeak and the giant man fell over backwards, knocking himself out cold and crushing Style Queen into a cloud of glitter.

Scarlet Moth stared.

Catalyst stared.

Chloe cracked her knuckles.

Scarlet Moth ran.

_Down Below:_

It was utter chaos as Chat Noir and Ladybug barely managed to defend themselves from the neverending barrage of attacks and red butterflies.

In a spare moment, Ladybug tossed her yo-yo into the air, "Lucky Charm!" and down came a polka-dotted tennis racket. She chucked it at The Mime and gave him a bloody nose. Besides that, nothing else happened. "Well, I'm out of ideas."

Nearby, Carapace was struggling to hold Rena Rouge in place.

"—and I hate your cute face," Rena roared, "and I hate how you put up with me and my stupid blogs and I hate how it doesn't bother you that I also like girls and I hate how creative you are in thinking of ways to make money and I hate your stupid 'surfer dude' way of talking! Seriously! Who else talks like that? WE'RE FRENCH!"

"Dude," Carapace said, genuinely moved. "I had no clue how much you loved me, dude."

Rena Rouge ripped out of his arms and grabbed his throat! "I HATE YOU! I HAVE NEVER HATED SOMEONE MORE THAN YOU! YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME AND I HOPE YOU DIE!"

"That is… the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me," he replied, choking both literally and emotionally. "I… I love you too."

A red butterfly shattered on Rena's Miraculous and she was swallowed by bubbling darkness!

"No!" Carapace screamed and his sorrow earned him a butterfly as well. Both heroes were akumatized.

There was no one left except Ladybug and Chat Noir.

"We're surrounded, LB," Chat Noir said, pressing his back against hers. "What do we do?"

"Hey, look over there! A cloud!" Ladybug pointed up and everybody looked. The heroine ripped open a sewer grate, pushed Chat Noir over the edge, and dove in after him. The Akumas glared at their escape.

"Should I transform into a shark and go after them, Scarlet Moth?" asked Animan.

There was no response.

"Scarlet Moth?"

_On the tippity-top level of the Eiffel Tower:_

Scarlet Moth huffed and puffed as he reached the final step and collapsed. The observatory with its lockable door and windows was the only place he could possibly hide but the fast trek up several dozen flights had turned his legs into wet noodles and left him barely able to crawl.

"Scarlet Moth? Yoo-hoo, you there?" he heard Animan say in his mind.

"Help...me..." he tried to wheeze out.

"What was that? You say something about harmony? Are you saying we should lay down our weapons and live in harmony?"

"Ugh… Catalyst… help..."

"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" Catalyst repeated. But that's all she could do. She had no control over the Akumas. She had no other powers. She was stuck here, nearly an hour away from the Eiffel Tower. There was no way she could help.

_("Oh no! What a catastrophe! If only there was another Miraculous nearby.")_

She tensed. One foot inched towards the mini-elevator which led straight to the office and the hidden safe before snapping back in place.

"No," she said. "He can do this. I know he can. I believe in him."

"Help!" Scarlet Moth wheezed. "I can't do this! I know I can't! I don't believe in myself!" His pitiful whines dissolved into dry gasps as Chloe finally arrived. Out of breath and sweaty, she was still in better shape than Scarlet Moth.

"End of the line, Scarlet Moth." She panted a few times and then took a deep gulp from a water bottle. "Give me a second to catch my breath. Once I do, I'm going to prove to Ladybug that I have what it takes to be a superhero by ending your reign of terror. Oh Astruc, my sides are splitting. That was more exercise than I've ever done in my entire life. Which stupid commoner's idea was it to invent stairs?"

The supervillain cowered away from the teenage girl of his nightmares. This was it. He was done.

"JUMP!" Catalyst ordered.

"Huh?"

"FLY!"

"_Huh?!_"

"Come on, Scarlet Moth, you can do it!" Clappity-clap-clap! "You possess the Moth Miraculous, Moth is literally in your name, the words you use to transform are Dark Wings Rise! If that doesn't mean you possess the power of flight, I don't know what does."

There was logic in what she said, Scarlet Moth had to admit. Thin but still logic. He looked at Chloe, sweating and leaning against the railing but raring to beat him to a bloody pulp. He looked at the ground, far away and rather hard. He looked at his majestic cane, overflowing with magic and still spewing red power out of the back end... _like a rocket_. Could he fly? Was it possible? Did he even have a choice?

"Okay, woo!" Chloe said. "I'm ready. Let's do this."

No, he did not.

"I believe!" Scarlet Moth proclaimed as he leaped into the heavens! The man craned his face to the sun and tucked his cane between his legs like a witch's broomstick. He felt the rush of wind! Whether that rush was him soaring through the clouds like a majestic eagle or him plummeting to the Earth like a brick was yet to be seen. With the last of his courage, he peeked.

"I'm… I'm flying!" he laughed. "Catalyst! Look! You were right! I'm flying!"

"Y-Y'up, you sure are," Catalyst nervously agreed. "Just keep saying that."

"Hahaha! I can fly!"

Several floors above, Chloe watched Scarlet Moth hang in the air on a loose bit of metal jutting out of the Eiffel Tower. It had been sheer dumb luck that the back of his red suit had caught on the metal and not ripped. She took another swig of water and started heading down the stairs.

* * *

_Later, in the sewers:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir raced along the water's edge, putting as much distance between them, the Akumas, and the ravenous undead hordes which haunted the underworld of Paris as possible.

As they ran, Ladybug heard her earrings beep, so they separated at a fork in the tunnels and waited for Tikki to recharge.

"What are we going to do, LB? Hawkmoth has never been able to re-akumatize so many people like that. He's somehow found a way to become powerful."

"Oh well," Marinette said with the biggest shit-eating grin. "I guess this battle is going to drag on for a while. Maybe even into the night. Which means any plans, such as a crazy-expensive picnic that one person lied about putting together because she was ashamed of her Heroes Day macarons, are going to be canceled. Life goes on."

"Don't worry, Bugaboo," she heard Chat Noir say with the utmost confidence. "I won't let that happen. My number one fan is putting on a party tonight and I fully intend to be there!"

"No one invited you! Who the fuck invited you?!" Marinette shrieked.

"We've faced these villains before. Just the two of us," he powered on. "We know how to beat them and we can do it again. You and me, M'Lady. Together!"

Marinette sighed. "Ugh, okay, fine, but I'm dragging this out to at least sundown. It'll make it more believable when I don't deliver."

"That's the spirit! Now, let's transform into mermaids and swim in the sewers."

Marinette stared at the frothing brown-green sludge dotted with snail shells, frog legs, and champagne bottles that looked oily enough to catch fire. It stared back at her. "Yeah, I got a better idea."

* * *

_Above ground:_

Scarlet Moth felt like he was King of the World with his newly discovered power of flight. "Prime Queen, get me on camera!"

"Um, are you sure, Scarlet Moth?"

"Yes, I want the world to see me like this."

To Scarlet Moth, _like this_ was an epic supervillain floating on a gale of pure evil. To the rest of the world, _like this_ was a grown man suffering from an atomic wedgie. The Akumas exchanged glances and made the silent collective agreement to not ruin his fun. Prime Queen started the broadcast.

"Citizens of Paris, behold! I, Scarlet Moth, have untapped even more power. This battle has already been won! Frozer, ice over the entire Seine. If Ladybug and Chat Noir are in the sewers, then we'll trap them there! Muahaha!"

Frozer spun on the tip of the Eiffel Tower, freezing half of the city into solid ice.

Scarlet Moth watched with glee as the last of the Seine was covered. He had done it! He had won! Nothing would stop him n—

A building-sized fist made of thousands of human bones punched through the ice.

"Wha...?" he said.

The undead horde of Paris stretched their collective mass to a nearby bridge and deposited Ladybug and Chat Noir there.

"Thanks for the lift. I'll be sure to give you five stars on Uber," Ladybug said to the fist. The Lich King of the Undead and the giant fist both gave her a thumbs-up and then sunk back into the depths.

"What… What the fuck just happened?" Chat Noir asked, trembling.

"They owed me one. The important thing is that we're back on the surface and we can sneak our way back to Scarlet Moth and use the element of surprise." They turned around and saw they were in the exact same spot they had escaped from, surrounded by the exact same army of red Akumas.

"Well, crap," Ladybug said. "Plan B: RUN!"

She and Chat Noir sped into the city, the Akumas hot on their tails.

"So what's the plan now, M'Lady?"

"I was thinking about tripping you and escaping while they're tearing you apart."

"But then you realized how much you like me and went with a different plan?" he asked with hope.

The homicidal glare she gave Chat Noir told him nothing could be further from the truth. He put several cars between the two of them.

"Any other plans?" he asked.

"Why do I have to come up with everything? How about someone else contribu—BUS!"

Indeed, a bus was parked across the road ahead along with several cars, dumpsters, and road dividers piled in front of the abandoned vehicle. The heroes leaped over the pile, momentarily disappearing from the Akumas's sights. In their place rose the French flag, flapping in the wind, its pole held tightly by Nora "Anansi" Cesaire.

"Heheheh, you little Akumas are in for it now," Nora jeered.

"Hoo-hoo, motherfuckers!" The Owl said, landing at her side.

To his right, covered in a layer of flour and hefting a warhammer of stale bread, was The Baker. And at his side, face masked in jade and in her hand a bladed candelabra, was The Candlestick Maker.

"Ever thought we'd be fighting on the same side?" The Owl asked.

"Don't get used to it," The Baker replied.

"Culinary Titans!" The Candlestick Maker shouted, pointing her candelabra at the Akumas. Through their eyes, Scarlet Moth saw the dozens of fighters rise behind her. The Tax Collector sharpened his endless arsenal of #2 pencils, Cardboard Girl flipped the safety on her deadly flamethrower, Fire Chief Cobra Commander aimed the water hose of his cobra-themed firetruck, The French Punisher donned his skull-themed beret, Mr. Ramier readied his flock of trained pigeons, the real Santa Claus raised his mistletoe lancing pole at the naughty Akumas, Gary the long-prophesied Super Pigeon ruffled his feathers, The Butcher twirled his sausage nunchucks, The Cappuccino Maker drew his giant coffee stirrer staff, Adult Alix appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and made a joke apology for being late, Andre "The Ice Cream Man" Glacier wrapped himself in Rocky Road flavored armor. They were all ready.

Among them stood the ordinary people of Paris, thousands of them armed with everything from frying pans to guillotines to baguettes on pitchforks. They had no powers or gadgets to speak of, but each and every single one was ready to kick some serious ass. A great _THUD_ shook the street as Heli-Chopper landed on a building and warmed up his buzzsaw arms. Above the giant robot flapped Toothless and on her back rode Ladydoll.

"This ends today," Ladydoll beeped.

Toothless belched a bolt of electric-fire into the sky.

"Uh—" Scarlet Moth started to say.

"GO!" The Candlestick Maker shouted.

Nora chucked the flagpole like a javelin and it shish-kabobed The Mime, Riposte, and Stormy Weather through the head!

"HOLY FUCK!" Scarlet Moth screamed.

The People of Paris descended on the red army. Akumas, including Rena Rouge and Carapace, were grabbed from the rooftops and dragged into the houses where they were promptly beaten with brooms.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Scarlet Moth kept screaming.

The great numbers overwhelmed Darkblade and his knights! "Back-eth, I say! Back-eth, knaves!" was all he could say before the mob decimated his ranks.

"HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?!" Scarlet Moth belted out.

Andre Glacier conducted his mystical ice cream into giant rattlesnakes which struck at the Akumas trying to run away.

"ASTRUC FUCKING DAMMIT!" was the last thing Scarlet Moth said before a water bottle smacked the back of his head. He turned in time to see Chloe on the stairs pitching a trash can at him before he heard the harsh ripping of cloth. The trash can struck and he fell.

On the bus, Ladybug and Chat Noir watched the people quite successfully obliterate the Akumas.

"They're _helping?_" Ladybug asked. "They're actually helping? What is this, Opposite Day?"

"No, Miss Ladybug, it is Heroes Day!" Luka proudly said, climbing up to her. "Seeing as Hawkmoth has taken the initiative to akumatize half of the city, I thought it only fair to recruit the other half.

"You?" Ladybug whispered. "You did this?" Then she quickly smashed her head against the bus to banish the mental image of her cradled in the muscular arms of Luka dressed like a superhero as they romantically soared far, far away from Paris.

"Without any robotomizing, of course, Miss," he added proudly.

"This is amazing!" Chat Noir cheered.

"Yeah!" Ladybug agreed. "If we all work together—hero, villain, and regular civilian—we can easily defeat Hawkmoth once and for all!"

"Terribly sorry, Miss Ladybug, but I'm afraid that won't be possible," Luka said.

"...Say what?"

"They're only fighting because I persuaded them to and I promised the Universe to not interfere anymore, so unless Hawkmoth makes a habit of akumatizing a large chunk of Paris this will have to be a one-time thing." He stuck a cooking pot on his head like a helmet and charged into the fight, waving his rubber band collection as if it were a lethal weapon.

Ladybug's wrench wound spasmed.

"Don't worry, Bugaboo," Chat Noir said. "I'm sure we'll eventually take down Hawkmoth on our own. Maybe in a year or two." He smiled. "Or five."

Ladybug dropped down to the street and lifted the bus over her head.

_Meanwhile at the Eiffel Tower:_

Scarlet Moth woozily got back on his feet. The fall hadn't been as deadly as it would've been if he'd fallen from the top, but his pride was still hurt. The important thing was that he survived. He'd cry later. Right now, there was a fight to win.

"Listen up, my giants!" Scarlet Moth said to his most massive Akumas. Gigantitan, Gamer, Stoneheart, they all stood at the ready. "You are my last and greatest line of defense. Go forth and destroy Ladyb—"

A bus smashed into all of them, knocking the giants into the Seine where the bony arm of the undead horde dragged them under.

"Merde," Scarlet Moth muttered.

With no one left in the way, Ladybug and Chat Noir shot up the Eiffel Tower and landed before Scarlet Moth.

"Hey, look at me, I'm Scarlet Moth!" the cornered villain cheered. "Uh oh, it looks like you guys got me trapped."

"You've got nowhere to run, Scarlet Moth," Chat Noir said, powering up a Cataclysm.

"That's right," Ladybug snarled, arming herself with a steel girder she ripped out of the floor. "And you're going to tell me where Duusu is before I kill you and re-imprison Nooroo and put an end to this insanity!"

"Um, M'Lady, we don't have to kill—"

"WE'RE KILLING HIM!"

"Wow! You'll kill me? Yippee!" Scarlet Moth clapped like a child. "But before you do that, little lady, have I got a humdinger for you. Tell me, how do you know I won't use your Miraculous to wish for the world to be a better place?"

Ladybug paused. "Wish?"

Chat Noir paused. "What are you talking about?"

Behind them, the real Scarlet Moth, who had been quietly approaching with his cane raised over his head like a sledgehammer, frantically tried to signal the hidden Volpina to shut the fuck up, but she took his curt neck chopping motion as a positive sign to keep the lie going.

"Yessirroonee, my big secret wish I wanna make using the combined powers of your Miraculous. For all you know, I could wish for the end of all pollution, a solution to racism, and twenty bucks for everybody."

A chill ran up Ladybug's spine. "Chat, that's not Scarlet Moth!" She fired her yo-yo at the villain and it went straight through him!

"Hooray, finally, I'm dead!" Scarlet Moth said as he crumbled into golden dust. "Them's the brakes. Goodbye, world."

The yo-yo kept going and wrapped around Dark Cupid who had been hiding behind Scarlet Moth with two arrows aimed at the heroes. With a great swing, Ladybug whipped Dark Cupid against the Eiffel Tower, knocking him out of the fight and unknowingly squashing Volpina in the process.

"Another illusion," Chat Noir said. "All that talk about our Miraculous granting wishes must've been a lie to get our guard down."

"Yeah," Ladybug agreed. "If they could grant wishes, I would've stolen your Miraculous and wished to not be Ladybug a long time ago. Hahahaha!"

"Hahahaha… Wait, what?"

_CLUNK!_

Both heroes spun around and found the real Scarlet Moth on the floor, having tripped over his untied butterfly-themed shoelaces of doom.

"Fuck!" he screamed. "Quick, Catalyst, what's the backup plan?"

Catalyst stared. "I dunno."

Scarlet Moth blinked. "Aha! Brilliant! Such a dastardly plan! I know you can't hear her, Ladybug and Chat Noir, but I bet you wish you could because-because-because the next step of her diabolical plan is so evil. _Sooo_ evil. And smart. You'll never be able to stop—"

"You've got nothing," Ladybug said.

"I've got nothing," Scarlet Moth whimpered.

"GET HIM!"

Ladybug chucked Chat Noir with all of her Amazonian strength, his battle staff extending. Scarlet Moth barely had time to raise his cane. The makeshift swords clashed in a shower of magical sparks. Years of fencing classes (and weeks of surviving Kagami) took hold and Chat Noir chopped and swiped without rest, forcing Scarlet Moth into a constant retreat.

"Fuck!" the villain sputtered, barely keeping up. "No! Help! Stop! Wai—" And then he got a polka-dotted fist in the gut.

Scarlet Moth went flying, but his cane dropped to the floor where it was grabbed by Chat Noir's glowing hand. The object was Cataclysmed into rust. Instantly, Scarlet Moth transformed into regular old Hawkmoth!

"No!" he cried.

All across Paris, every Akuma was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into their normal human selves. The Akuma army was gone.

"Well…" Catalyst said. "Time for Plan D." She ran out of the room.

"Catalyst?" Hawkmoth called out. "Catalyst? You there? Hello?"

No response.

Hawkmoth was all alone.

"Uh, um, you fools!" he cackled. "By ridding me of my Akuma soldiers, disarming me of my only weapon, and sapping me of my great power you've only made me _stronger!_ Such a grave mistake you've made."

Chat Noir gasped and hid behind Ladybug.

Ladybug was not impressed. "That makes absolutely zero sense."

"Too bad! It's magic! Magic doesn't have to make sense! By defeating me, you've only assured my victor—"

Chloe tackled Hawkmoth to the ground and started punching his face.

* * *

_In Gabriel Agreste's Office:_

The safe opened and, for the first time in months, Duusu saw sunlight.

_("Nat! There you are! So, I'm thinking the next thing we should try to win Gabe's heart is doing something with your hair. Something cute, like, maybe a few extensions, another highlight or two. How do you feel about bangs?")_

"Enough!" Catalyst glared fiercely at the peacock Miraculous. "I know this was your plan the whole time."

_("My plan?")_ Duusu gasped in astonishment. _("Why, Nat, are you insinuating that your will was too strong for me make you go through with killing Gabe so I pretended to play matchmaker and patiently waited until Gabe inevitably fucked up so bad that you would have no choice but to turn to me for help?")_

Catalyst's glare hardened.

_("Nat, come on, haven't I earned your trust? Of course, I'll help you,") _it said sweetly. _("I'll also slowly drive you crazy while slowly killing your body from the inside like a virus but, hey, that's a small price to pay to save the man you love, right?")_

Catalyst hesitated.

_("And once you're gone, there'll be nobody left to stop sweet naive Gabe from using me and li'l Noo at the same time and then I win the bet.")_

Catalyst gritted her teeth.

_("Just being honest with you… _partner_.")_

Catalyst hung her head in defeat.

_("Ooh, Nat, guess what? Guess what? Guess what, Nat? Guess what? _ _Guess what? _ _Guess what? _ _Guess what? _ _Guess what?_ _")_

"What?" she hissed.

_("Chicken butt! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just heard that joke for the first time today and it is my new favorite thing! HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!")_

Catalyst took the Miraculous.

* * *

_Back at the Eiffel Tower:_

The flurry of punches Chloe was unleashing was really impressive. Ladybug could not deny that. Such intense violence reminded her of the beating she'd given Fu when they first met.

"Wow," she muttered. "Am I like that?"

"Kinda," Chat Noir said with tact. "You're more driven by feisty anger you hold against the world that just turns me on in all the right ways. Chloe is more about hurting others the way her mom hurt her."

Rena Rouge and Carapace landed at their sides, ready to fight. "We're here to back you—Whoa..." Rena's bold declaration petered out as Chloe's fist broke Hawkmoth's nose in four different places.

"Dude..." Carapace said as Chloe snapped Hawkmoth's fingers backward one at a time.

"I think he's had enough," Chat Noir said as Chloe smashed Hawkmoth's kneecaps.

"Yeah," Ladybug agreed, feeling a little sick. She tapped the blonde maniac on the shoulder and said, "Chloe, you passed the test. You can be Queen Bee."

"I can?" Chloe gasped. "I can be a superhero?"

"Sure, whatever. We're about to defeat Hawkmoth so it's not like you'll actually get to do anything so there's no harm."

"Yes! Validation! That's all I ever wanted!" Chloe kicked Hawkmoth in the dick one last time and then wrapped Ladybug in a tight hug.

And what happened then, you ask, dear readers?

Well…

An innocent little blue feather ghosted past the heroes on an unfelt breeze. It went unnoticed by all and was quite unremarkable until the innocent little blue feather landed on the remains of Hawkmoth's destroyed cane and shattered.

A pair of fashionable neon-purple peacock-themed sunglasses appeared on Hawkmoth's face and he saw the visage of a blue-skinned woman partially hidden behind a hand-fan decorated with peacock feathers.

"Knock knock," she said.

"Fuck," he managed to hoarsely reply through his crushed throat.

_("Who's there?")_ the woman continued, her demeanor abruptly shifting from calm and collected to unstable and delighted.

Despite the pain, Hawkmoth flipped onto his side and said to the heroes, "Run."

Ladybug, still in the clutches of Chloe's hug, raised an eyebrow. "Um, I'm pretty sure that's my line. And what's with the sunglasses?"

"Mayura," the blue woman calmly said and then twitched to unstable. _("Mayura who?")_

Black smog appeared out of nowhere above them all. The smoke quickly expanded and took a winged form. The darkness melted away and left behind a monstrous purple butterfly the size of a car! The creature shrieked horrifically, slashing its claws and stinger at the heroes!

"What the fuck is that?!" Ladybug shouted.

"Mayura sorry bunch of bitches!" both the insect and the blue woman yelled. The giant butterfly thrashed its wings, creating a hurricane of wind that blew the heroes away!

"Looks like Team Miraculous is blasting off again!" Chat Noir screamed as he, Chloe, Rena Rouge, and Carapace became a distant twinkle in the distance.

"Wobbuffet!" somebody added.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mayura laughed uncontrollably. "Oh, it's good to be ba—" A yo-yo wrapped around the giant butterfly's stinger. "What?"

"UP YOURS!" Ladybug roared, flinging herself forward with her unstoppable strength. Then everything went dark.

Mayura stared.

The last thing she'd seen before she lost her Sentimonster was a bus being swung down at her like a flyswatter. Swinging that bus had been Ladybug and she looked quite different than Mayura had anticipated. There was the red spandex with black polka-dots, yes, that was to be expected. But there were also the very unexpected fangs, claws, and familiarly colored eyes.

_("Uh oh,")_ she said. _("Did I do that?")_

Ladybug nodded firmly at the crater of purple goo. She wiped the bug guts off and turned. "Alright, Hawkmoth, now it's your tur—ASTRUC DAMMIT!"

Where a bruised, crippled, and bleeding Hawkmoth had once laid was now a photo of Hawkmoth giving her the finger.

"GAAAAH! Where are you, ya bastard!" Ladybug ripped the nearest wall of steel aside and found an extremely injured Gabriel Agreste!

"L-Ladybug!" the man said, smiling with a mouth that was missing a lot of teeth. "Thank goodness you're here! You just missed Hawkmoth, which we've previously established is not and has never been me. He went that way. Hurry!"

Ladybug swung towards the garbage dump he pointed to, leaving Gabriel far behind. Alas, she never found Hawkmoth, and her chance to put an end to his reign was missed. She had no choice but to cast Miraculous Ladybug and call it a day.

* * *

_Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

"Sorry for lying about me and Trixx having the power to resurrect the dead," Wayzz said as Marinette put the Miraculous back in the box. "You were so stressed I had to tell you something."

"Eh, it's fine," Marinette shrugged and headed for the door. "It all worked out in the end."

"That is what's most important," Fu nodded.

Marinette paused. She turned slowly and stared at Fu. "She was lying too, right?"

"Hmm?"

"Volpina, Lila. If I took Chat Noir's Miraculous and combined it with mine," she asked carefully, never taking her eyes off the man, "could I make a wish?"

Fu stared back. His eyes began to water. Sweat streamed down his neck. Out of the corner of his vision, he could barely make out Tikki and Wayzz desperately mouthing, "NO! NO! NO! SAY NO!" At least, Fu thought that's what they were mouthing. He couldn't tear his sights away from the bottomless abyss that had replaced Marinette's stare.

"N...N...No…?" he squeaked.

Marinette didn't budge. "Are you sure?"

"M… M… Me sure."

The invisible weight Fu didn't realize was there lifted from his shoulders. "Okay," Marinette said. "See ya." And the monster left.

Fu dove under his bed.

"Fuck, that was close," Wayzz said. "We almost had a second Hawkmoth on our hands."

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Gabriel carried Nathalie to the couch and gingerly set her down.

"I told you to never use the Peacock Miraculous, Nathalie," he admonished. "It's damaged and not to mention completely insane."

"I know, sir. Every wandering thought inside my head is a Knock-Knock joke," she whispered in terror before convulsing into sickly coughs. "Knock knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? No, I'm not a poo! Oh Astruc, this was a mistake. I regret everything. No man is worth this misery."

"Ha! You sound like Emilie when she was pregnant with Adrien. Wait..." Gabriel's disappointed frown softened. "You did this for… me?"

"I had to, sir," she coughed. "I had to save you."

Moved beyond belief, Gabriel took her hand. "...Are you sure it wasn't for extra vacation days?"

"No."

"Sick leave?"

"No!"

"Oh, I get it! You want a raise."

"NO!" She hacked out what looked like a chunk of lung. "I did it for _you_."

That last word sunk in and a soft smile appeared on Gabriel Agreste's face. "Thank you, Nathalie." The smile was returned and all of the suffering and hardship were suddenly worth it.

"D'awww."

Both Nathalie and Gabriel's warm smiles dropped to cold fear. They looked left. A little blue Kwami that resembled a peacock was watching them with the dopey smirk of a hopeless romantic watching its favorite Meet-Cute scene. That dopey smirk might've been adorable if it weren't for those demonic red eyes.

"Don't mind me, keep going. I am so Team GabeNath," said Duusu.

Gabriel and Nathalie screamed.

* * *

_Later, at the park:_

"As you can see," Marinette said, extending an arm over the cluttered excuse of a picnic with half-baked food and flat soda which stood unimpressively in the fading sunlight, "the violent Akuma war today destroyed the super special picnic I had planned for you guys and totally didn't lie about. Oh well!"

Ivan raised his hand, "Why Miraculous Ladybug not fix?"

"Not important," was Marinette's masterful excuse.

Her classmates blinked at her.

"Uh, girl, why did you even choose this park?" Alya asked. "None of us live anywhere around here."

"Oh, one does," Marinette said, shooting a grin at the nearest building.

One of the blinded windows opened to reveal Lila Rossi. Marinette waved to her and happily pointed at the big banner fluttering over the picnic that read _YOU SUCK, LILA!_ The girl harrumphed, drew the curtains, and crawled into bed.

"Eh, whatever," Chloe smugly said. "I knew Dupain-Cheng would blow it, so I was a good friend and brought my own food." She snapped her fingers and her butler appeared with a platter of sushi.

"Me too," said Kim, raising a bag of chips.

"Me four!" said Rose, holding up two fresh pies.

"Three," Juleka corrected, pulling out a box of eclairs.

One by one, every single classmate pulled out food for the picnic.

"Wait… did… did none of you believe that I could pull this off?" Marinette asked.

Alya put a pleasant hand on her shoulder. "Not even for a second."

"And you still let me go through the aneurysm of putting this shitshow together by myself?!"

"That's what friends are for," Alya replied, pulling Marinette into an unwanted hug.

"Hey, everyone!" Adrien said as he arrived. Close behind him was a restaurant's worth of food carried by dozens of professional chefs. "I brought some five-star dishes to celebrate my Father's first social party. Dig in!"

The picnic was officially saved and the entire class feasted while Adrien dialed his Father. He picked up on the second ring.

"IT'S LOOSE!" he heard his Father cry in the distance. He was so far from the phone though that Adrien couldn't really understand him.

"WHERE DID IT GO?! HOW DO WE STOP IT?!" Nathalie's voice screamed, just as far away.

"Father?" Adrien said. "Can you hear me? When are you coming to the party?"

"SAY YOU QUIT! TAKE OFF THE MIRACULOUS! QUICKLY!"

"I QUIT! AHH! IT WON'T COME OFF! WHY WON'T IT COME OFF!?"

"Father? You there?"

"So sorry... Ace? Adri? Ari?" a voice finally replied to him as his Father and Nathalie continued to scream in the background. "Crap, there aren't any good nicknames for Adrien. Guess I'll just have to stick with your boring real name—No, wait, I got it! Aids! It fits you perfectly because your sweetness is sickening and no matter how hard I try I can't control you. That's genius! So sorry, Aids, I don't think Gabe can make it today. In fact, he wants you to come home right now. I know you had plans with your friends but I'm sure I can help you deal with the _blues._ Hoohoohoohoohoo_heeheeheeeheeheeheeheeHAHAAHAHHAHAAHA__**HAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA!**_"

With a heavy sigh, Adrien hung up.

"Father wants me to come home," he told his class. "I can't stay."

There were disappointed looks on every face, but none more so than Marinette.

Adrien stood as if he was about to leave but instead, he turned to the bluenette. "I wanted to tell you, Marinette," he said. "You're always helping people. Like that day you helped Juleka overcome her photo curse."

"Y'up!" Marinette squawked, not sure how to take such praise from the boy of her dreams. "I was acting completely selflessly and not trying to get one last body to photoshop your face onto."

"Or how you set Nathaniel up with Marc and now they have a publishing deal with Marvel Comics."

"I absolutely remember—THEY WHAT?!"

"Or when you helped me get to the movies so I could see my mother on the screen even though you weren't wearing a bra."

"Please stop mentioning the bra part!"

"That's why everyone jumped at the chance to help you put this picnic together. Today it was our turn to help you. Isn't that right, everybody?"

The class avoided all eye contact and gave generally apathetic bullshit agreements.

"Really?" Rose asked. "I thought it was because Marinette is clumsy and we knew she would mess u—" Juleka jingled some keys in her face. "Ooh! Sparkly!"

"So, on behalf of everybody," Adrien concluded, "I want to say thank you, Marinette. You're our everyday Ladybug. Have a good evening, Super Marinette."

With the most handsome smile Marinette had ever seen, her Adrien walked away. She watched him go, his kind words echoing in her heart. Kind words. Kind actions. Cute butt. Always kind. And that's all they would ever be. Kind. Nice. Friends. But Marinette wanted more than kind. More than nice. More than friends. She wanted… _needed_...

"Adrien!" Marinette darted after the boy and smacked nose-first into his chest. Ignoring the mystifying draw of his cheesy scent, she composed herself and said, "I… I, uh..." but words failed her, as they always did. Realistically, it would take a novel to properly express her feelings. And even then, words wouldn't be enough.

_So why use your words?_

And in that sudden thought, Marinette found a drop of courage which she clung to with all her might.

_Don't use your words. Show him._

She cupped Adrien's face.

_Show him._

Her delicate heart beat at the speed of light as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned forward.

_Show him!_

The world held its breath as Marinette Dupain-Cheng's lips brushed against Adrien Agreste's cheek. It was innocent. It was chaste. It was over in less than a quarter of a second. And yet that gentle kiss short-circuited Adrien's brain more than Ladybug and Kagami's kisses combined. An explosion of fire emanating from his cheek surged through Adrien's body. Every corner was filled with a warmth he hadn't felt in a very long time. And, most importantly of all, that last millimeter of ice cream roots in Adrien's heart melted away.

"Hhhmminelshuffriiiguglppppssxxxz," Adrien said, staring slackjawed at the girl. "FFFFrench! We're French! Right, Nino?"

The other guy blinked alongside the equally dumbstruck class, "Uh—"

"That's right, we're French!" Adrien shouted almost desperately. "We kiss all the time! All the time! Kiss all time! French kiss all the time! This was a perfectly normal French thing to do!" Adrien spun on his heels and marched to his limo, repeating loudly, "French kiss all the time! French kiss all the time! French kiss all the time!"

"Girl!" Alya squealed and hugged Marinette as her class whooped and hollered in celebration. "You did it! You actually did it! AHH! I wasn't streaming! You have to kiss him again for my _Why Aren't They Dating Yet? _Blog!"

Marinette said nothing. She did nothing. She only stared straight ahead.

"Marinette?"

Alya waved her hand in front of her face. The girl didn't blink. She pressed an ear against Marinette's chest.

"Oh, fuck, she's dead."

END

_OKAY!_

_We are officially completely done with season 2 and halfway done with Miraculous Migraine. I need a break to work on a script for Nickelodeon again, so the next chapter won't be out next week._

_Pester me to release the next chapter sooner, dear readers, I like the attention._


	18. 16 Lila's Interview with a Villain

_As we established in Miraculous Headache, the Egyptians were right._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_OOH, 'ONCE UPON A TIME'? HOW ORIGINAL!_

_{There was a... frog…?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 16: Lila's Interview with a Villain  
_By: I Write Big

There was a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Its sparkling radiance was more beautiful than any star. Marinette floated towards the light, experiencing an inner peace she never thought possible.

"**Marinette Dupain-Cheng,**" the deep and comforting voice of Anubis, the Egyptian god of the afterlife, echoed around her. "**You have lived a fraught and hard life. Come, you will find none of that here.**"

"None of it?" she heard herself asking in dreamlike wonder. "Really? No Akumas? No Ladybug?"

"**And no Alya blogging your misfortune, no constantly being late for class, and no Adrien to torture your emotions.**"

There was a pause.

"**I probably shouldn't have mentioned that last part.**"

Marinette's arms punched into the sides of the tunnel. She stopped drifting towards the light.

"Adrien..." she whispered. There was something important about that name.

"**No! Please don't touch the plane of existence!**"

Marinette ignored the god and dug her nails into the tunnel walls. Their glassy surface shattered into millions of spiderweb cracks. She did something to Adrien. Something amazing, beyond comprehension. And then everything went dark. What was it? Her memory was hazy. Fragmented. Nothing was coming. Then she smacked her lips... and tasted cheese.

"Adrien!"

With great effort, she turned around and began crawling back towards the darkness.

"**It's very delica—And you just retroactively erased Australia from history. Great.**"

"I KISSED—"

_In a hospital:_

The doctor sadly scribbled down Marinette Dupain-Cheng's official time of death. The child's poor parents sobbed in the corner. It was hard to lose a patient, especially one so young—

"ADRIEN!" Marinette declared, sitting up, alive and well.

Everybody screamed.

* * *

_A week later:_

"I kissed Adrien!" Marinette sang on the sidewalk.

She was almost late for class. Again. Alya was most likely going to blog about it. Again. But none of that bothered her because she had done the impossible. She, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, had kissed Adrien Agreste. Not Ladybug. Her. HER!

And died.

But that's not important!

She had come a long way from being that mute girl who was terrified of even being in the same room as the boy. Now, she could hold full, if stuttery, conversations with him while only being partially distracted by the thought of ravishing those sweet and cheesy lips. Things were looking up for Marinette and it was with that positive attitude that she pranced into the school.

"I kissed Adrien," she happily said as she entered the classroom. She let out a gasp. The seating arrangement had been changed. Nino was now sitting with Alya, leaving an empty seat next to Adrien! "I kissed Adrien?" she said to Alya as if it meant, "Alya, did you do this?"

"Oh my Astruc, she's still saying that," Alya grumbled.

"You seriously need to see a doctor, dude," Nino said with worry. "You were clinically dead for over an hour. That had to leave some serious brain damage."

Marinette waved off the idea and said, "I kissed Adrien," like it meant she was fine. "I kissed Adrien," she added, thanking Alya for changing the seats. She looked dreamily at Adrien who was sharpening his solid gold pencil with his solid diamond pencil sharpener. "I kissed Adrien," she sighed lovingly.

"Before you get any wise ideas, girl," Alya said, "you're sitting back there." She jerked a thumb at the empty back row.

"I kissed Adrien?" Marinette asked.

"Yeah, Lila needs the front seat because of her terrible hearing."

"I kissed..." Marinette's eye twitched, "_Adrien?_"

"Okay, class," Miss Bustier called out, licking her lips, "gird your loins and give a nice warm welcome to the _fresh meat._"

Lila Rossi sauntered into the room and chucked her ankle monitor into the trashcan. "That was a bomb," she lied. "I just saved all of your meaningless lives."

The class applauded.

"I kissed _Adrien_?!" Marinette growled as her wrench wound burned hotter than hellfire. Unbeknownst to the girl, that burning sensation was her damaged brain cells rapidly healing through the power of hatred.

"Oh my gosh! A seat in the front!" Lila said, taking her chair next to Adrien. "You all remembered my tinnitus which I got after that kickass shootout where I single-handedly saved the president from robo-ninja-assassins from an alternate dimension. I'm practically deaf. Thank you so much!"

Marinette ripped a chunk of wood from Alya's desk. "I kissed LILA!"

"And since I've been gone for so long," Lila said, leaning against Adrien, "you can help me catch up with my schoolwork, right, Adrien?"

Adrien squinted at the girl currently coiling her body around him like a boa constrictor. "As a friend, right?"

"Friend, status symbol, either works."

Marinette bit into her chunk of wood, sharpening it into a blade. "LILA! _LILA_! _**LILA**_!"

"Marinette," Miss Bustier said. "Please take your seat so we can start class."

"_**LILA MUST DIE!**_" Marinette roared.

"After class."

Pure fury coursed through Marinette's veins but she obediently stomped to her new seat.

"Alright, everyone," Miss Bustier continued. "Today, we'll be learning about the legendary lost continent of Australia."

_Meanwhile in the hidden tower:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man hiding under a couch.

"Do you see it, Nathalie?" Hawkmoth whispered into his butterfly-themed walkie-talkie.

"I do, sir," Nathalie's voice whispered back. "It's still just watching TV."

"Hahahaha!" Duusu's distant deranged laughter fizzled through the small speaker. "Oh, Tom and Jerry, your violent sense of humor is timeless and relatable."

"It's also eaten almost everything in the fridge, sir."

"Whatever you do, Nathalie, don't go near it and never say Spread My Feathers. I'll fix this before it gets out of hand."

"I think it's a little too late for that, sir."

He turned off the walkie. "Oookay, I got a new housemate of pure evil who hogs the remote. No need to panic, I just need to stay focused and get Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous." He sensed something and faced the spiral window. "Hello... you're new. I like what I'm seeing. Is that angst I smell?" _Sniff, sniff._ "Anger?" _Sniff-sniiiiiff. _"And do I detect a hint of hormone-fueled blood-rage? Oohoohoo, yes, you'll do nicely."

He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

_Later at the classroom:_

Marinette ground her teeth, never taking her eyes off She-Who-Must-Die. The last touches on her wooden stake were finished. It would fly perfectly.

Then, as she took aim, she remembered what her parents had taught her.

_Everybody lies and that shouldn't matter. What matters is whether or not they're assholes._

She took a deep, soothing breath and—SAW THAT MISS BUSTIER'S BACK WAS TURNED!

Marinette hurled her weapon at Lila's vulnerable head.

Mid-flight, a black butterfly fluttered in the way and was impaled. The insect knocked the stake off course and was speared into the wall. The black butterfly flapped a few pathetic times, then crumbled to dust.

Hawkmoth stared. "Fuck."

_Later in the cafeteria:_

Marinette glowered over bowls of fruit and cartons of chocolate milk in the lunch line as most of her class attended to Lila's every need while carrying her on a golden throne.

"Here, let me massage your feet," Kim offered.

"Thanks, Kim. My feet have had so much built-up tension after carrying all those blind people out of that active volcano."

"Would you care for some of my lunch?" Max offered.

"Could you chew it for me?" Lila moaned. "My jaw is tired after giving that speech about the need for universal basic income."

"Do you want to copy my homework?" Juleka offered.

"Would you be a dear and copy it for me? My wrist is still sprained from sabotaging Kim Jong Un's open-heart surgery."

"Isn't he still alive?"

"Nope, that's just a robot Kim Jong Un. I assassinated the real one."

Marinette's wrench wound spasmed. "Lila must die!" she said.

"Are you stuck saying that now?" Alya asked. "Because I think I preferred you saying that you kissed Adrien."

"Lila must die," Marinette hissed. "Lila must die!"

"What makes you say that, dude?" Nino asked as Lila lied about being an ancient descendant of Napoleon.

"GAAAH!" Marinette grabbed them both and dragged them to a table. She took a moment, then said, "Lila must die."

"Not following," said Nino.

"Lila must die!"

"Hold on." Alya leaned closer with an inquisitive look. "I think I'm picking up on the subtle nuances of her words. Marinette, are you saying that you know Lila is a liar because you followed her after her first day of school."

"Lila must die!" Marinette nodded vigorously.

"And you were going to kill her?"

"Lila must… die..." Marinette glanced away guiltily. Then she quickly added, "Lila must die."

"I see," Alya said.

"What, dude?!" Nino asked excitedly. "What did she say?"

"She claims that on the day she followed Lila, she overheard her speaking to Adrien and she was lying constantly about everything. Where she's from, personally knowing Ladybug, rescuing people from life or death situations on a daily basis. Everything she said to him was a lie."

"But why would she lie like that?" Nino asked.

"Lila must die?!" Marinette waved her arms at the mountains of homework, smartphones, and cute outfits being laid at Lila's feet as libations to her magnificence.

"Hmmm… Yeah, I'm not seeing the reason, dude."

"Do you even have proof that she's lying?" Alya asked.

"LILA MUST DIE?!" Marinette screamed as if it meant, "PROOF?! ALL OF YOU ARE ACCEPTING EVERY RIDICULOUS WORD THAT SPILLS OUT OF HER MOUTH WITHOUT QUESTION BUT I NEED TO GIVE YOU _**PROOF****!?**_"

"Yes," said Alya.

It was this last stroke of ineptitude that kicked Marinette's mental repair into overdrive and she reached 100% brain function in record time. She opened her mouth and spoke clearly for the first time, "SCREW YOU! I HOPE LILA LIES YOU BOTH OFF A FUCKING BRIDGE!"

Marinette marched away from the idiots, grabbed Lila, and carried her out of the cafeteria.

_In the Girl's Bathroom:_

Marinette plopped Lila down and locked the door behind her.

"Have I upset you?" Lila asked with what sounded like genuine concern. "This is about the new seating arrangement, isn't—"

"Did your mom abandon you?" Marinette asked.

Lila blinked. "Huh?"

"No? Okay, then your dad, right? He did something crazy, like, lie his way to the top of wherever he works. That it?"

Lila blinked again. "What are you—"

"Stop playing innocent!" Marinette screeched. "I have been at this FUCKING school much FUCKING longer than you, Lila, and, for whatever FUCKING reason, the only students admitted here are either extremely dumb or suffering from severe childhood trauma that turns them into FUCKING maniacs. I tried fighting it, I tried fixing it, but the only thing that seems to FUCKING work is to begrudgingly become everyone's friend/emotional pack-mule. It even worked on FUCKING Chloe. She used to be a trillion times worse before I gave her a chance. So, since nobody else seems to be able to see through your FUCKING obvious lies, I guess I have to go through the stupid FUCKING friend route. Tell me why you lie so FUCKING much, Lila, and I promise to be your friend. FUCKING friendship bracelets, FUCKING braiding each other's hair, FUCKING sharing tampons, we'll do it all. I won't make fun of you. I won't call you out on your FUCKING lies. I'll do everything in my power to help you overcome whatever is driving you to FUCKING lie constantly and together we can become better FUCKING people. Just FUCKING tell me. FUCK!"

For the longest time, it was quiet. Only the drip-drop of a leaky faucet kept them company.

"Nothing," Lila said at last.

Now it was Marinette's turn to blink. "Huh?"

"Nothing happened to me that made me like this."

The room suddenly got very cold. Shivers ran down Marinette's spine. She found herself unable to look away from Lila's eyes, which had her locked in place with some sort of hypnotic trance. It was like she was staring into the empty glass pearls of a snake or a doll or… Tikki. It was with horrific dread that Marinette realized that Lila was telling the truth.

"No one abandoned me, Marinette. No one taught me the values of lying. I'm not trying to get the attention that I never got at home. I was born this way like you were born with blue hair."

"Okay," Marinette gulped, trying to keep her knees from knocking together. "Thanks for being honest. I'm sure we can find a productive way to use your… _talent..._ to help others and make real friends. Let's see, what can a natural-born liar do? Ooh, how about a politician or a bank manager or a—"

"I've got a better idea." Lila marched towards her, forcing Marinette to back up until she was pressed against the wall. Lila slammed her hands on both sides of the girl, trapping her.

"Are you… Are you going to kiss me?" Marinette asked.

"What?"

"Oh, is this what it is? You're in denial about being into girls just like Alya used to be—"

"I'm trying to intimidate you!"

"And I'm straight but if kissing me helps you get through your issues, I'm willing to experiment."

"LISTEN TO ME!" Lila punched the wall next to Marinette's head. "I intend to take over this school _because I can_. You appear to be slightly smarter than the rest of our dumbass class so I'll give you a choice. You're either with me—"

"Sexually?"

"SHUT UP! Or you're against me. And if you're against me, I'll turn everyone against you. You won't have any friends! You'll be cast out of the city—NO! The country! You'll have to run away to the polar opposite side of the planet, which is…" she googled it, "Waitangi, New Zealand? Huh. Right next to where the legendary lost continent of Australia was rumored to be. Cool. You'll have to run all the way to Waitangi, New Zealand after I shred your reputation to pieces!"

Lila finished her declaration of war with several frustrated growls in Marinette's face. The bluenette leaned forward and pecked the brunette on the lips.

"That do anything for you?" Marinette asked.

Lila's eye twitched. "And you'll never have a chance with Adrien," she added.

Marinette gasped. "You're a monster!"

"Fucking finally!" Lila stormed out. "You got until the end of the day to decide."

Now alone, Marinette scrambled into a stall. "What am I going to do, Tikki?" she asked as the Kwami popped out. "Lila is just… evil! Not misunderstood, not poorly raised, not a brat, not dealing with issues at home, just _evil!_ She makes Chloe look like a really bad joke."

"She is evil, isn't she..." Tikki said, stroking her nonexistent chin in admiration. "She's really someone who, if you died and she became the new Ladybug, would stop at nothing until she conquered the entire human race." A fantastical image popped into Tikki's imagination of her laughing through Lila's mouth at the groveling masses of the defeated human filth. The rest of Kwamis chanted her name as she basked in their praise.

"If I don't do something, Tikki, she'll use her lies to make sure Adrien and I never get together."

"You should get angry," Tikki eagerly suggested.

"Angry? But I'm always angry."

"You think your constant whining is anger? That's nothing!" Tikki slapped her across the face. "Think of all the lies Lila will spread about you. Boil over what little joy you have in life being destroyed by this one bitch! Let it fester and steam until your emotions explode! Get mean! Get pissed!"

Her words ignited a fire in Marinette. Spurned on by her feelings of helplessness, her anger reached new heights. Her teeth gnashed! Her hair bristled! Her claws sharpened! Her fangs jutted out!

"Marinette, you got any toilet paper?" Mylene's voice asked in the next stall.

She punched a clawed fist straight through the stall wall.

"Never mind."

Tikki rubbed her arm nubs together. "Bingo."

_Meanwhile in the Hidden Tower:_

Hawkmoth shook his fist in victory. "Yes! The anger has returned! Back-up Akuma, get in there!"

_Back at school:_

The Back-up Akuma tore off their tiny schoolgirl disguise and fluttered into the girl's room. It aimed for the stall where a combination of hoarse rumbles and sniffles could be heard. On the other side of the stall door, they found Marinette crying on the toilet.

"Yes!" Tikki cheered at the sight of the dark messenger. "Take her! Force Chat Noir's hand into killing her and free me! Hahaahaahah!"

_ Downstairs: _

Lila whistled a tune as she strutted through her future kingdom. There were big plans brewing in her head on what to do with the building. A few lies about her _medical need_ to treat her _chronically twisted ankle_ and the art room would become her new sauna. She already had the simpleminded classmates wrapped around her finger, now she just needed her crown.

"Hi, Lila," Adrien happily said after she latched onto his arm.

"Adrien! We need to decide when you're going to help me with my schoolwork as well as how you're going to constantly be at my side to give the impression that I'm more important than everyone else."

Adrien smiled kindly at her and said, "Lila, I would be more than thrilled to help you with your schoolwork, but could you do me a favor and stop lying to everyone?"

Lila's smile dropped. "Who says I'm lying?! I'm not lying! They're the ones who are lying!"

"Well, my Father is actually friends with every president on the planet, including France's," Adrien said casually. "He stops by once in a while for blackmail reasons and he has never once mentioned you or being rescued by robo-ninja-assassins from an alternate dimension. I also personally know who actually took out Kim Jong Un. And, of course, there was that time when we first met and Ladybug exposed that you aren't a superhero and never once lezzed out with her."

Lila shivered as she remembered the slimy sensation of Ladybug's tongue slithering down her throat.

"Fuck, right, you were there. Fine, you got me," she said. "What are you going to do now, rat me out to the class? Because if you do, you'll have to run all the way to Waitangi, New Zeal—"

"No, Lila." The gentlest, most heartwarming hands caressed her shoulders. "I'm here to tell you that you don't need to lie to have friends. Everyone here is a good person and they'd love to get to know the real you."

Lila stared. "So… just to be clear, you're not going to tell anyone?"

"I wouldn't do that to you, Lila. Besides, it'll mean so much more when you tell them the truth yourself."

She laughed. "Hahahaha!" She laughed harder. "HAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!" She laughed so hard she fell to the floor and gripped her splitting sides. _"HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA! _Oh wow, I forgot how unbelievably stupid you are. I'm so glad I didn't bang you." She got back up and shoved him away. "You keep on believing in the power of friendship, the heart of the cards, and not doing anything to stop me, blah blah blah, I'm going to keep on conquering this school. Don't get in my way or I'll hashtag-me-too you, bye!"

Adrien pleasantly waved goodbye, "I'm sure we'll laugh about this later as good friends."

"No, we won't," Lila pleasantly waved back.

_Meanwhile in the bathroom:_

Tikki was still laughing. "Hahahahahahah—"

"FUCK OFF!" Marinette screamed as she uprooted the toilet and swatted the black butterfly through the floor. "Can't a girl cry in privacy?!" She shot a dirty look at Tikki.

The Kwami cleared her throat. "Good job, Marinette," she said. "You resisted evil. Hooray and stuff."

_ Downstairs: _

Lila was still snickering. She just had to deal with not one but _two_ goody-goody two-shoes who thought they could change her with the power of love and friendship. Hilarious! She made a mental note to remember to sprinkle a few lies about Adrien's touchiness and Marinette's anger issues when she's finally in charge.

_CRASH!_

Something torpedoed through the ceiling and smacked into the floor in front of her. It was a black butterfly.

"Jackpot," she said.

Lila picked up the barely clinging to life Akuma and pressed it against her earring where it shattered. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Hawkmoth said. "How the hell? You're not angry or scared. Did you just _willingly_ take the Akuma?"

"Of course I did." She grinned maliciously. "It's a weapon of unimaginable power that lets me control people and make them do my bidding. Why wouldn't I take it?"

Hawkmoth stared at her, growing more uncomfortable by the second. "Okay, I don't know how I feel about this. You seem too… eager..."

"Eager? What? Me? Noooo..." Lila quickly adopted a cowering position. "Oh no! It's Hawkmoth! Stop! You can't control me, you vile villainous villain! I am a sweet and innocent girl who never has evil thoughts of world conquest!"

"That's better. Phew!" Hawkmoth wiped off some sweat. "For a second there I thought you were some kind of manipulative mastermind taking the first steps towards using my magic to your advantage so you could eventually depose me and take all of my power for yourself."

Lila held her cowering position. "...No…?"

"Good enough for me."

Lila was swallowed by bubbling darkness.

_Later, in the locker room:_

Adrien had just shut his locker when Lila burst in.

"Adrien!" she wailed through rivers of tears. "You were right! I have seen the errors of my ways! All this lying is destroying my life! Woe is me! I'll change, I swear! I'll never lie again!"

"Really?" Adrien gasped. "That's great! I knew the power of friendship would work."

"That's exactly what's happening here, now let us seal my new lie-free way of life with a kiss."

"Sure thing—Wait, what?"

Before he could react, Lila had her arms wrapped around him and her lips pressed against his mouth. Several thoughts ran through Adrien's head. First was a general surprise on how many different girls had kissed him lately: Ladybug, Kagami, Marinette, and now Lila. Second was that out of the four, he enjoyed Ladybug and Marinette's kisses the most. Ladybug kissed with unmatched passion while Marinette kissed with the tenderness of a true friend. His third thought was about how cheesy and masculine Lila's lips suddenly felt.

"Lila," he pulled away while stifling an unexpected yawn. "Are you—" He stopped. Lila wasn't there anymore. Standing in her place, wiping a strand of drool off their mouth, was another him. "Felix?" he muttered woozily. "Father said no more chloroforming me..." He dropped to the floor in an enchanted sleep.

"I don't know who this Felix is," Chameleon said, nodding with respect, "but he sounds like my kind of man." They stowed Adrien in a locker and headed off to enact their devious plan.

In the locker, Plagg shook Adrien. "Wake up, man! Open your eyes! That Lila chick stole your face! Wake up!" He dropped Adrien. "Well, I'm bored." Plagg fished a marker out of Adrien's backpack and proceeded to scribble all over the boy's face.

_ Meanwhile: _

Eager to find that black butterfly to vent her anger out on, Ladybug flipped up to the school roof and scanned the courtyard.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly.

Principal Damocles was giving an enthusiastic lecture on the history of indoor plumbing to an unfortunate soul who had mistakenly asked him for directions to the bathroom.

Nathaniel and Marc were pitching their Ladybug and Chat Noir animated film idea to a familiar bearded man in a grey hoodie surrounded by what looked like a congregation of monks.

Alix was playing catch with herself, constantly disappearing and reappearing on opposite ends of the schoolyard in blue mini-nuclear explosions to keep the tennis ball in the air.

Completely normal.

She turned her attention to the second floor where she saw Adrien approaching their classroom just as Nino and Alya came out.

"Hey, Alya, Nino," Adrien said. "So, are you guys dating again or…?"

"Naw, dude," said Nino. "We're totes taking things easy, trying to get used to being just friends again and focusing on good communication. So, my platonic ex-girlfriend, have you read any good books lately?"

"I did, my platonic ex-boyfriend," Alya replied with a can-do smile. "The other day I finished _War and Peace_."

"Whoa, sweet, you actually made it through that huge thing? What's it about?"

"War and peace."

"Yeah, what's it about?"

"War and peace."

"Yeah, what's it about?"

"War and peace!"

"Yeah, what's it about!?"

"WAR AND PEACE!"

"YEAH, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?!"

"IT'S ABOUT WAR AND PEACE! _WAR AND PEACE_ IS ABOUT WAR! AND! PEACE!"

"Oh, _War and Peace_ is about war and peace, I see." Nino thoughtfully stroked his chin in deep introspection. "And where on the Harry Potter timeline does this tale take place?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"...Wow..." said Adrien. "I was going to try to ruin your day by destroying your relationship, but you two are clearly already doing that on your own. I guess it's time for Plan B." They swiped Nino's hat!

"AAAH!" screeched Alya, pointing at the top of Nino's bare head. "What is that thing?!"

"NO!" Nino gasped. "My hat, dude! No, don't look at me! Without my hat I'm hideous! HIDEOUS!"

"YOU ARE!" Alya yelled, shielding her eyes. "NO WONDER YOU NEVER TOOK OFF YOUR HAT IN BED!"

As Nino used his shirt to cover his deformity, Adrien donned the baseball cap and impossibly leaped to the school rooftop!

Ladybug gasped. "How did—No, not Adrien!"

But it was true, her perfect boy had been akumatized! With a sickly grin, Adrien jumped to the next building, going deeper into the city.

"I'll save you, hot stuff!" Ladybug declared and gave pursuit.

_Later at the Eiffel Tower:_

Chameleon dashed through the throngs of tourists, popping Ladybug balloons, knocking Ladybug flavored ice cream out of children's hands, kicking the local Ladybug impersonator in the groin.

_ Meanwhile: _

Hawkmoth watched his _son_ make a complete ass of himself. "Oh no, this is going to be on the news, isn't it?"

Downstairs, Duusu watched _Adrien_ make a complete ass of himself on the news. "Gabe really doesn't think his plans through, does he, Nat?" it asked before chugging an entire 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

_Back at Eiffel Tower:_

Chameleon was now hundreds of feet in the air, balancing on the edge of a steel girder. "Hey, look at me," they said joyfully. "I'm in danger."

"Hot stuff!" Ladybug swooped in and cradled the boy like he was her precious baby. "I got you, you're safe, don't worry, Ladybug will protect you. Show me where the bad Akuma touched you and I'll make it better."

Thoroughly weirded out and seriously questioning the nature of Adrien and Ladybug's relationship, Chameleon moved on to the next step of their evil plan. "Ladybug... Please... Help me..." They wretched out several sickening death-rattles—_COUGH! COUGH!—_and went limp in the heroine's arms. "The Akuma is too strong… Tell my Father I love him..." _COUGH! COUGH!_

"No! You're going to make it, hot stuff. I'm here. Just tell me how I can help you."

_COUGH! COUGH! _"Hold me closer, Ladybug. It's getting dark." _COUGH! COUGH!_ "Tell Aunty Em to let Old Yeller out." _COUGH! COUGH! _"Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas." _COUGH! COUGH!_ "Tell Scarlett I do give a damn." _COUGH! COUGH! _This time in Ladybug's face.

"No, hot stuff," Ladybug sniffled through the spittle, "don't go into the li—" She sniffled again, and her nostrils flared with rising suspicion.

"Kiss me, Ladybug," Chameleon whispered. "One last time." They leaned towards her with puckered lips and—

Ladybug grabbed Chameleon's cheeks and squeezed until their mouth popped open. Then she stuck her nose in their mouth and inhaled deeply.

"You're not Adrien," she said.

Chameleon turned pale.

"You're…" Ladybug made a fist. "Not…" She cocked that fist back. "ADRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" With a single punch, she launched Chameleon through the multiple solid steel floors of the Eiffel Tower until the villain crashed into the cement street and made a crater.

"...Ow..." Chameleon wheezed. Their eyes fluttered open just in time to see a polka-dotted missile on a collision course with their head. "FUCK!" Chameleon scrambled out of the way milliseconds before Ladybug's foot stomped into the Earth's crust.

_Meanwhile, in Waitangi, New Zealand:_

A chunk of road the size of Ladybug's foot shot into the sky, sending a Kiwi bird into space.

_Back in Paris:_

"I don't understand," Chameleon whimpered as they tried to crawl away. "How did you know?"

"Your breath," Ladybug seethed as she followed. "The real Adrien brushes his teeth with the highest quality mint-cranberry toothpaste that's handmade by artisan toothpaste brewmasters in Peru!"

The nearby news crew gawped. "How does she know that?" one asked.

Hawkmoth gaped. "How does she know that?"

"How do you know that?" Chameleon demanded.

Ladybug grabbed the Akuma's ankle. "Because he's MINE!"

She hurled Chameleon as if they weighed nothing. The villain crashed through one of the Eiffel Tower's legs!

Hawkmoth stared in awe of the destruction. Through the spiral window, he watched several buildings topple over like trees. "Hers?" he said. "Oh boy, I think it's about time I took an interest in my son's love life."

Ladybug cracked her knuckles as the dust and debris settled. She stepped forward, observed the mess she'd made, and said, "Ugh, crap, I lost them."

_Back at school:_

"And I've officially run out of skin," Plagg said, capping his marker. He observed his work, appreciating in the unibrow, the monocle, and countless dicks. "Guess I should wake him up."

Plagg blew an air horn in Adrien's ear, smashed some cymbals together, strapped a pair of headphones on the boy and blasted Death Metal at full volume. Adrien didn't even flinch.

"Okay, think, Plagg, think," the Kwami muttered, scratching his head. "Adrien is under an enchanted sleep, held prisoner from the waking world by magic. The only thing that can break an enchanted slumber is..."

He stared at Adrien's snoring lips.

"Suffocation! Of course! It's so obvious!"

Plagg eagerly covered Adrien's mouth and plugged his nose. After about ten seconds, the boy turned blue.

"Y'up, this should work any second," said Plagg.

Adrien turned purple.

"Y'up, any second."

Adrien stopped breathing.

"Any… second…"

_On the other side of Paris:_

Chameleon quickly kissed the boy they'd kidnapped and transformed into him. They stowed the real boy in a merry-go-round and got into position.

_Back in the locker:_

With Chameleon taking a new form, Adrien's sleeping spell wore off and he woke. He shoved the Kwami off and gasped desperately for air.

"See?" Plagg said. "I knew suffocating you would work. You're welcome, man."

After he had recovered, Adrien transformed into Chat Noir and raced to join the fight.

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug furiously scoured the streets, grabbing people at random and forcibly sniffing the insides of their mouths.

"Where are you, Akuma? Are you this person?" _Sniff-sniff._ "Nope. How about you?" _Sniff-sniff_. "No."

"Quentin! Where did you go?" a nearby frantic mother cried. "Ladybug, have you seen my little boy? He's—"

Ladybug grabbed the woman and sniffed her mouth. "You're not the Akuma. Sorry, lady, I'm busy with official superhero business. I'm sure the kidnapper's demands won't be too expensive, presuming your son isn't already dead." She resumed her sniffing hunt.

Ladybug sniffed her way to a park, carefully inspecting the dental hygiene of every person she came across.

"Ladybug!" a young child called out to her. "I saw the evil bad Akuma hide in there!" He pointed at the nearby merry-go-round.

Ladybug stared at the unaccompanied minor, then at the nearby still panicking mother who had a remarkable similarity to the boy. She put two and two together.

"Oh thank you kindly, brave one," she said theatrically. "You have pointed me in the proper direction and I have bought it, hook, line, and sinker. Stay behind me, young child who is definitely not the Akuma, I'll handle this."

Ladybug moved towards the merry-go-round while secretly preparing her yo-yo.

"Come out, villain, and face me. You'd better not be BEHIND ME!" Ladybug whipped around and shot her yo-yo at the child. The weapon struck the child on the nose.

"OW! WAAAAAH!" The kid burst into tears and ran off. "Mommy! Ladybug hurt me!"

"Huh," said Ladybug. "I guess that really was just a regular kid. Sorry."

"HAHA!" Chameleon, now in young Quentin's form, laughed triumphantly as they jumped out of the merry-go-round lip-first at the distracted Ladybug.

"M'Lady!" Chat Noir said, landing behind the heroine and giving his customary butt-grope hello. "How are you and your fine booty doin—"

Chameleon's lips smacked the side of his head and the villain transformed into him! The real Chat Noir dropped to the ground, dead asleep again. The polka-dotted elbow meant for him rammed into Chameleon's stomach and catapulted them through the merry-go-round.

Ladybug turned and saw her super-partner taking a literal cat-nap. "Chat, you are so useless sometimes. But I guess I sort of owe you for the letters," Ladybug muttered as she hefted the cat-boy onto his feet.

"Haha!" Chameleon burst out of the merry-go-round wreckage and flexed their new super muscles. "I now possess all the strength and power of the real Chat Noir, including his CATACLYSM!" Their hand coursed with ultimate destruction.

"Yes!" Hawkmoth cheered. "Quickly, take Chat Noir's Miraculous while he's down."

Chameleon turned to their final opponent. "Give up now, Ladybug, or I'll—"

"Destroy me and take my Miraculous from my corpse, yada yada, blah blah blah, heard it before," Ladybug sighed uncaringly as she used her yo-yo to sling the unconscious real Chat Noir onto her back. "I've been kicking Chat's ass since day one. What makes you think I'm scared of you?"

Chameleon didn't know how to respond to the heroine's bored face and feebly pointed at their Cataclysm.

"Ooh, how terrifying, come on, let's do this before Chat Noir gets morning wood."

"Morning wha—"

A snoring Chat Noir hit Chameleon like a wrecking ball before spinning back to Ladybug like a yo-yo. Chameleon flew high into the air, back towards the Eiffel Tower.

_In the Eiffel Tower's brand new oyster bar:_

"I don't know, Jerry," said one of the waiters, "it just seems like a terrible location to open a restaurant. The Eiffel Tower is constantly the scene of Akuma battles and the place is regularly destroyed on a near-weekly basis."

"That's the point, Phil," said Jerry, the restaurant owner. "This way people will get dinner and a show."

Chameleon burst through the floor, then through the table where the Bourgeois family was dining, then through the ceiling, and just kept going up.

Jerry the owner watched his highest-paying customers drip with oyster juice. "I'm not getting my million euro deposit back," he moaned.

_Up above:_

Chameleon finally came to a painful stop on the top floor. Ladybug arrived shortly after.

"You can't beat me!" Chameleon snarled. "I've got other tricks up my sleeve." They extended their battle staff, twirled it menacingly, and stared as it crumbled to dust.

Chameleon looked at their hand which no longer coursed with the power of ultimate destruction. "...Merde. Uh..." They held up their belt-tail, "Does this do anything?"

"Nope."

Ladybug grabbed Chameleon's throat. The villain flailed and struggled, but could not break free from Ladybug's superior strength. The heroine's other fist wound back for a punch. Chameleon winced!

Nothing happened.

No punch came.

Hoping this wasn't a trick, Chameleon cracked open an eye and saw Ladybug hesitating.

"Hey, could you, um..." the heroine awkwardly looked away, "change into someone else."

Chameleon blinked.

"It's not that I mind beating up Chat Noir, it's just…" It was hard to tell but Chameleon swore Ladybug was making an embarrassed face. "He's still a pervert and I hate his guts but, you know, he's been getting better at this hero thing lately and he's sort of been helping me with a personal issue. I mean, _really_ helping me and I, um… Ugh! Look, just turn into someone else. I don't feel comfortable hitting Chat Noir right now."

Chameleon turned to Hawkmoth to see if he could make sense of this.

Hawkmoth only threw his hands up, equally dumbfounded.

"No," Chameleon said.

Ladybug didn't punch.

"Haha! I've figured out your weakness, Ladybug!" the Akuma cackled. "There is a heart in there after all. You actually care for Ch—"

"SHUT UP!" Ladybug bull-tackled them and they both tumbled back down the hole Chameleon had made.

_In the oyster bar:_

"I am terribly sorry, Mister Mayor," Jerry the owner said, placing a bowl of spiky sea urchins on their new table. "Please accept this dish, on the house. Be careful, the sting of the spines is ranked amongst the most painful experiences in the world."

Chameleon landed face-first in the spiky sea urchins. Ladybug landed on top of them. Chat Noir landed on top of her.

"Ow, my lips!" Chameleon cried and in a flash of pink, they transformed into a sea urchin.

Immediately, Chat Noir awoke. "Huh? What? Where am—" He saw that he was strapped to his Lady's back. He nuzzled against her and purred.

"Free ride is over," Ladybug said, shoving him off.

"Oh, wow, LB," he said, "did you defeat the Akuma all on your own again?"

"Y'up," she replied through a forced smile. "Not a single moment of hesitation. Just beat them senseless without a second thought or conflicting emotions. Punching your face was the easiest thing I ever had to do." She cracked open the urchin, broke the earring she found inside, and de-evilized the black butterfly.

She cast Miraculous Ladybug and the Eiffel Tower was put back together.

The merry-go-round was repaired.

Nino's hat was returned and his shame was hidden from the cruel unjust world.

After the city was put back together, the sea urchin glowed and expanded until it became LILA ROSSI!

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ladybug growled. "What the hell did _you_ have to be angry about?!"

"Oh, Ladybug, it was awful!" Lila swooned, falling backward into the heroine's arms. "This fat and ugly girl named Marinette Dupain-Cheng threatened me with—"

Ladybug dropped her. "Wait, I just remembered, I don't give a fuck." She swung away.

Chat Noir helped Lila to her feet. "Don't take it personally. Bugaboo pretends to hate everything and everybody, but deep down she really cares. A little word of advice, Lila, you don't need to lie and pretend you're something you're not. People will like you for who you are if you're honest with them."

"Wow," Lila said. "That is the best advice nobody has ever told me before. Thank you, Chat Noir, you have my word that no more lies will cross my lips."

"Glad to hear it. And if you like, I'll be your first friend."

"No, I would hate that," Lila said with more honesty than anything she'd ever said in her entire life.

"Fair enough. See ya!" Chat Noir leaped away.

Lila waved goodbye with a gentle smile. As soon as the heroes were gone, that smile melted until there was nothing left but a foul grimace that spoke of a bottomless thirst for revenge. She would not stop. She would not rest. She would go through anything and anyone until she got what she wanted. And what she wanted was Ladybug's head on a platter.

Hawkmoth, meanwhile, was filling out his customary post-Akuma review. "Eager to please. Thinks on her feet. Holds as much disdain for Ladybug as I do for my sister-in-law. Yes, I think she'll do nicely in the Hawkmoth Internship Program. I look forward to working with you again, Lila Rossi. Until our next adventure."

He turned to leave and came face to face with Duusu.

"I'm bored," it said. "Can I play with the window?"

Hawkmoth said nothing.

Duusu took the man's terror-stricken silence as a yes and startled fiddling with the spiral window switch. Close. Open. Close. Open. Close. Open-close-open-close-open-close-open-close-opencloseopenclopenclopenclopenclopenclope—

_BANG!_

In an explosion of electricity, the spiral window shattered.

"Teehee, I'm an agent of chaos," Duusu said.

* * *

_Later, at school:_

The class was prostrated at Lila's feet as she regaled them with her epic tale. "And that's when the Akuma possessed Chat Noir, so Ladybug and I had to team up to defeat her former ally. But, you know, nothing special. How was your day?"

"You are the greatest, Lila!" cried Alya from her crouched position as Lila's new personal footrest. Lila needed the extra support since she practically maimed herself while rescuing Ladybug. "We are unworthy to breathe the same air as you!"

"Glory be to Lila!" the class chanted. "Long may she reign!"

That was the last bullshit Marinette could take. She rolled up her sleeves, cracked her knuckles, grabbed a knife and—

"The power of friendship isn't going to work, is it?" Adrien asked sulkily as she passed him. He didn't look at Marinette, only focusing his depressed sights on Lila. "No matter how much we offer trust and understanding, Lila is just going to keep lying and using people, isn't she?"

"Wait, _you_ _know_?!" Marinette screeched but then covered her mouth when she noticed her Adrien was on the verge of tears.

"Marinette, was I wrong?" he sniveled. "Does the power of friendship not exist? Does love not exist?"

Her dark and yet perfectly justified desire to slit Lila's lying throat was overpowered by her need to protect her precious Adrien's innocence. Marinette chucked the knife away. "What? No! Of course love exists!" she consoled. "We just gotta keep giving Lila as many chances as it takes for the Power of Friendship to fill her heart with magical rainbows and dancing gummy bears."

Adrien wiped away the tears and smiled. "You mean it?"

Marinette smiled widely back and lied as expertly as Lila, "Yes. It's not a big deal that Lila lies constantly and everyone automatically believes her for no reason. It's not like she could use that to her advantage and turn the entire school against the two of us, the only people who know that she's lying. It's not like all it takes for evil to win is for good people to do nothing, which is exactly what you're suggesting we do. As long as we don't expose Lila's obvious lies and continue to let assholes do assholish things, everything will be fine."

"Thanks, Marinette." He hugged her. "You always know exactly what to say."

Marinette shortly died from his heavenly touch again and had to claw her way back to the land of the living once more. She accidentally erased guacamole from history along the way.

* * *

_Later, in the classroom:_

The students took their seats for the afternoon classes. Marinette reluctantly sat in the back by her lonesome until she was unexpectedly joined by Adrien.

"Way to take the high road, Marinette," he said. "I'm proud of you."

Marinette said nothing. She only watched Adrien and tried to comprehend the fact that he had consciously chosen to sit next to her. Was this the first step? Was Adrien finally showing an interest in her? Would this semester of them sitting next to each other, sharing notes, exchanging jokes, blossom into the love she so dreamed about which would lead to them getting married, having three kids and adopting a hamster named—

"Marinette," Adrien nudged her. "Miss Bustier has been calling your name for the last thirty seconds."

The girl snapped out of her fantasy and quickly said, "Present!"

"Hmmm, you clearly have hearing issues too, Marinette," her teacher said. "You'd better come up here and sit next to Lila."

Her hopes for the future dashed, Marinette trudged to the front of the room, only for Lila to jump to her feet. "It's a miracle! My tinnitus! My short-sightedness! My werewolf curse! They're gone! Praise be to Ladybug! Her magic has cured me of my ailments! I'll just go and sit in the back."

"What about your dyslexia?" asked Miss Bustier.

"Oh, did I say I had dyslexia? Yeah, that's gone too." She scurried to the chair next to Adrien.

"I'm moving too," Alya declared. "I've learned that I can't stand being near my ex."

"What?" squeaked Nino. "Since when, dude?"

"Since you told me that you didn't know the difference between a blog and a vlog! You don't deserve to call yourself a teenager!" Alya hopped over her desk and sat next to Marinette.

"I'm sitting next to Nino," Adrien called out.

"What?!" Lila seethed. "Why?"

"I'm sorry, Lila," Adrien shrugged as kindly as he could. "To be honest, I just don't like you."

This kicked off the anarchy as everyone suddenly realized they could sit wherever the fuck they wanted. When the Chinese fire drill was over, Ivan was sitting on the floor, Alix was hanging from the ceiling, and Lila was still in the back next to a certain red-headed comic book artist.

"Hi, I'm Nathaniel. My boyfriend and I just secured an animated movie deal with _the_ Thomas As—"

"Fuck off."

"You got it."

* * *

_Later, outside school:_

Marinette said her goodbyes and headed for home. It had been a stressful day, but at least it was over.

"This isn't over," Lila said, stepping in her way. "From your little seat changing stunt back there, it's clear that you've made your choice."

"Stunt? What are you talking about? Miss Bustier made me change seats. Everyone else, including you, changed seats on their own."

"Don't lie to me!" Lila roared. "You tricked me! You arranged the whole musical chairs crap in order to humiliate me! Admit it! ADMIT IT!"

Marinette stared at Lila and the furious flames in her eyes. "Oh. Wow. You have trust issues." Then she gasped and her own eyes sparkled like diamonds. "You have trust issues! Something _did_ happen to you, Lila! I knew it! Something happened that made it hard for you to trust others and rely on lying!"

"NO! Don't try to change the subject! You and I are at war!"

Marinette pulled Lila into a hug and whispered solemnly into her ear, "Lila, I promise you I will figure what made you unable to trust others and help you face it. We'll probably cry a lot and there'll be moments where we hate each other, but in the end, I swear, we'll become friends."

"Stop trying to figure me out! I'm not a sob story! There's nothing more to me! I'm just a manipulative liar! That's it!"

"Keep telling yourself that, future best friend." Marinette patted her hand. "Keep telling yourself that." Marinette headed home, leaving a very confused and frustrated Lila.

"There," Marinette said to herself, "that oughta fuck with her head for a while."

END

_And we're back to our regularly scheduled program._

_PSA - Remember, girls, don't share your tampons. It's not healthy and can lead to septic shock. This has been_ The More You Know_._


	19. 17 Chat and the Giant Beanstalk

_UGH! Nickelodeon is now requiring a completely original comedy pilot! I got the next 3 chapters finished, not counting this one. I'll release them at my usual time, but I'll need another break to develop AN ORIGINAL SHOW! Sorry._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_A FROG? THAT'S NEW!_

_{A frog… who wished to be... _ _an _ _astronaut.}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 17: Chat and the Giant Beanstalk  
_By: I Write Big

It was a beautiful night in Paris, France. The stars were sparkling. The moon was shining. And a giant four-story baby was on a rampage. Again.

Gigantitan had returned!

"Ba-ba-ba-cake!" the destroyer of worlds gurgled as they waddled towards the Dupain-Cheng Patissiere.

The Baker burst out of the front door in full flour getup and twirled his steel-lined bread paddle. "It's past your bedtime, little fella!" he declared.

The Candlestick Maker cartwheeled to his side. "No midnight snacks for you!"

"Cake!" Gigantitan cooed and raised a massive hand to rip the bakery's roof open. But then a yo-yo wrapped around his wrist. Holding the other end of that yo-yo was Ladybug!

"You're telling me we fought this Gigantitan before?" she asked Chat Noir.

"Y'up," he replied suavely. "And you were very impressed with my baby-handling skills. Said I looked like real father material."

"Well, you definitely have the terrible sense of humor for it," she groaned before Gigantitan suddenly whipped off her feet. Ladybug flew across the street and smacked into a billboard. She took a moment to clear her head and noticed it was a billboard for her Adrien's cologne and she was pressed against his digitally enlarged lips.

"Heh heh," she smiled lecherously, "Oh boy, I think giant Adrien is a turn on for me. Does that make me a Size Queen?" She slid off the billboard and into the arms of Chat Noir.

"And after you said I'd make a great father I told you how I planned to be a more present father in our future family's life than my own father Gabri—"

"Chat, enough. I appreciate you helping me with my memories, but please don't lie to make yourself look better. Lucky Charm!" Ladybug threw her yo-yo in the air and down came a polka-dotted enormous metal doughnut!

"But you did actually say I'd make a good fath—"

The doughnut crushed Chat Noir.

"CAKE!" Gigantitan cheered. He grabbed the doughnut and tried to take a huge bite out of it. _CRUNCH!_ The metal bent but there was no cake inside. "Yuck!" Gigantitan hurled the doughnut and it crashed into the top floor of the Dupain-Cheng home.

"That's Marinette's bedroom!" cried The Baker. The man dashed upstairs to rescue his daughter. Outside, the battle against the Akuma raged on. The house shook alongside a monstrous, "CAKE!"

A section of the house collapsed, blocking his path. The Baker punched a secret button in the wall and a hidden compartment of bakery-themed weaponry popped open. He grabbed the spirally one covered with sprinkles and pointed it at the debris.

"Doughnut Drill!"

The gadget whirred to life and he tunneled his way through to the kitchen.

He heard Chat Noir call out, "Cataclysm!" and the ceiling that also served as the floor of Marinette's bedroom cracked open as if an earthquake had struck.

"Marinette!" he yelled.

No response.

He scrambled up the last staircase, but the trapdoor was stuck. Some heavy debris on the other side was weighing it down.

"Baker Bash!" He threw his entire body against the wood but it wouldn't budge. "Marinette!" he called again, but there was still no response.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" he heard Ladybug shout and in a wave of magical insects, the door was cleared.

"Marinette!" The Baker stormed in and up the ladder to his daughter's bed. There was her blue head poking just out of the bedsheets, safe and sound. "Oh, Marinette, you had me so worried that I—"

He pulled back the bedsheet. It was a doll's head labeled "_Decoy."_

"Sabine!" he screamed.

His wife tumbled through the trapdoor. "What?!"

"Our daughter is missing! Hurry, fire up the Candlestick Tracking Device!"

_ Outside: _

Gigantitan was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into baby August. Ladybug took the infant and the pacifier that came with him.

"Really? This is the troublemaker?" she sighed.

"Goo-goo-gaga!" August said, which meant, "You may have won this time, Ladybug and Chat Noir, but one day I shall bathe in your blood!" in baby-talk but the heroes couldn't understand him.

"UGH! He's too adorable, I can't stand it. You take him." Ladybug shoved the toddler into Chat Noir's arms and swung to the roof of the bakery.

_Meanwhile, in The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair:_

"I don't know about this, Tom," The Candlestick Maker said as she lit the jade candle. "We swore we'd only use this in an emergency."

"This is an emergency!" The Baker wailed. "Our vulnerable baby girl is missing! She could be hurt! Or lost!"

"Or out with a boy?"

The Baker's tears stopped and a dark shadow crossed his face.

"She is at that age."

The dark shadow got even darker.

"I know when I was her age I was constantly sneaking into boys' bedrooms at night for a little fortune cookie delight—"

"SABINE!"

"What? I was hot and I knew it." The Candlestick Maker stuck the lit candle into the mouth of a jade dragon. The ancient spirits channeled through the mystical statue, gathering in its eyes. The orbs glowed and projected a live street map of Paris. A little blue dot blinked at an intersection.

"Oh, she's on the roof."

_On the roof:_

Ladybug transformed back into Marinette and stretched her arms. It was time for a nice relaxing bath and a good night's rest. She only then noticed the pacifier still in her hands.

_On the street:_

"I wasn't lying," Chat Noir told baby August. "Bugaboo really did say I'd make a good father. And now that I think about it, when I mentioned my Father, she screamed NO and made this weird smiley face and suddenly acted like she didn't know where she was. I wonder what caused that."

"Gummy!" August whined, which in baby-talk meant, "Fool! You are clearly the one who is damaging her memories!"

"Gummy?" Chat Noir squinted at the baby, then up at the roof. "Of course, your pacifier. M'Lady still has it."

"Gummy!" August insisted, which meant, "Yes, feline one, sate my desire to suckle!"

Chat Noir extended his staff and launched them both to the roof. Waiting for him there with the pacifier was his Number One Fan.

"Marinette?"

The girl froze like a robber caught in a policeman's spotlight.

The cat-boy's eyes flicked from her to the pacifier in her hand to her to August to her to the street to her to the pacifier to her to the pacifier.

"Fuck..." Marinette whispered.

"Is it just me," Chat Noir asked, his face growing more suspicious with every word, "or is this not the first time I've run into you right after LB has transformed back?"

"Fuck," Marinette whimpered.

"In fact, I don't think I've ever seen you or Bugaboo in the same place at the same time."

"Fuck!" Marinette wheezed.

"Wa-baba-wa," August mewled, which meant, "It's so obvious! How could I not see it before?!"

Chat Noir gasped, "Could you be—"

"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Marinette screamed at the top of her lungs. She threw her arms around Chat Noir and kissed him ferociously.

This was the first boy she'd kissed without dying. True, she'd kissed Adrien as Ladybug and survived, but it was the power of the Miraculous that had kept her alive in that glorious moment. This was her first real kiss with no safety net.

She was not ready.

_BWUUUEEEEEGH!_

Lighter than air, Marinette flew through the cosmos guided by a cat-eared star. Cradled in its warmth, she found happiness and joy she never thought possible. The worries and terrors of the Akumas and Paris were far away, where they couldn't hurt her. She never wanted to let go.

_BWUUUEEEEEGH!_

"Blub-pla!" August chortled, which meant, "As a baby, time has no meaning to me but you two have been making out for longer than the Teletubbies theme song."

That made Marinette open her eyes. It was the gasp of her dad that made her pull back.

"Well I never," Tom Dupain glowered from the trapdoor.

"D-Dad, this isn't what it looks like!" Marinette shouted.

Chat Noir suddenly remembered he only had one life left and turned to escape with it. A hand bigger than his head landed on his shoulder.

"Hold on," a deeply unsettling voice rumbled in his ear, "where do you think you're going..."

Chat Noir gulped.

"...future son-in-law?" Tom finished, as happy as can be.

Chat Noir blinked. "Huh?"

Marinette blinked. "Huh?"

August burped, which meant, "Hah! I love shotgun weddings."

"I was so worried my daughter would be running around with some delinquent," Tom said, pulling Chat Noir into a hug that nearly snapped the boy in half, "but a hero? She has excellent taste. Ooh, I bet she makes you purr."

"DAD!" Marinette yelled.

"No need to hide it, honey." Tom patted his daughter, who was seconds away from dying from embarrassment. "I saw your little kissing session. Never have I ever seen a truer love than yours and I am all for it. Chat Noir, why don't you join us for Sunday brunch tomorrow and you can tell us all about your love life."

"Uh, thank you, sir," Chat Noir said carefully, "but I don't think that would be appropriate. Marinette and I haven't really been dat—"

The gentle hand on his shoulder suddenly clenched until Chat Noir felt his shoulder dislocate. "I said, why don't you join us for brunch tomorrow," Tom growled. "Or are you just using my daughter for kissing practice?"

"See you tomorrow. Can't wait," Chat Noir whimpered.

"Swell!" Tom said, all traces of bloodlust gone. He happily popped Chat Noir's arm back in its socket and sent him on his way. "I'm so excited to get to know your first boyfriend, Marinette. He's quite a catch. I'd better get started on your romantic meal."

Tom kissed his daughter and pranced downstairs.

Marinette screamed.

* * *

_Blocks away:_

"Being perfectly honest here," Chat Noir told August as he carried the baby back home, "I did not see that coming. I was going to ask if Marinette was Ladybug's secret sidekick who helped on the sidelines without getting any of the credit. Sort of like a super intern."

"Goo-boo," August gurgled, which meant, "But it turns out she was Ladybug the whole time! I know, it's crazy! I hope I don't magically forget this amazing fact after I finally find a way to reverse the gypsy's curse and return to my natural age of 55."

"But it turns out Marinette is in love with me." Chat Noir's hand reached towards his still tingling lips. "My Number One Fan loves me."

Suddenly, his mind crept back to _SOLITUDE_ again, only instead of his Mother or Kagami naked under the umbrella, it was Marinette. She gazed lovingly back at him, tracing a finger down her exposed cleavage, nibbling an irresistible macaron between her, as he recently discovered, _pillowy soft_ lips. That good/bad tremble shook Chat Noir's body again.

"AAH! Why do I keep imagining girls naked!" he yelled.

"Goo?" asked August.

* * *

_Back in Marinette's bedroom:_

Marinette was washing her mouth out with a bar of soap to get rid of the taste of Chat Noir. "Ugh! Tikki, what the hell am I going to do?!"

"I know," Tikki said without an ounce of care. "Not only do you love Adrien and Luka but now Chat Noir? Quit trying to make a harem and just sleep with all of them and stick with the one who's the best in bed. That's what everyone else does!"

"I am not in love with Chat Noir! I had no choice but to kiss him! He was about to figure out I was Ladybug!"

"Right, sure, because there was no reasonable explanation for you to be at your own home, holding a pacifier that Ladybug could've easily given to you for safekeeping while she ran off to transform."

The suggestion of this perfectly rational idea that anyone with half a brain could've come up with made Marinette spit out her soap.

"Holy crap," she said, staring at herself in the mirror. "Tikki, do I..."

"You swapped spit with him for three straight minutes. I timed it." Tikki smiled sadistically. "So, probably."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_ Downstairs: _

Sabine matched her daughter's horror. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! MARINETTE IS IN LOVE WITH A _HERO!_"

"I know, I know," Tom said as he paced nervously around the room.

"This is bad! He's going to figure out who we are and then he'll tell Ladybug and… AH! Why did you even invite him over for brunch?!" Sabine demanded.

"Because of Marinette! You should've seen the way she held him, Sabine. It's like they didn't know I was there. I've never seen a girl more in love and I didn't want to destroy her happiness. I invited him without thinking. We have to hide anything that could reveal our secret identities." He grabbed his wife. "Honey, tomorrow we have to be the most normal non-supervillain parents in Paris and not ruin Marinette's date."

"Right!" Sabine nodded. "How do we do that?"

"I have no idea."

* * *

_At Adrien's:_

"Man, just come out of there," Plagg whined.

"No!" Adrien's voice shouted from inside the bathroom. "I'm not coming out until I get rid of these unclean thoughts about Marinette. She's my friend, I shouldn't be objectifying her like this!"

"Dude, quit lying, I know you're masturbating."

"No, I'm not! I am banishing the sexy thoughts of Marinette with sheer willpower!"

"Yeah, exactly, masturbating. You have no problem with having sexy thoughts about Ladybug."

"Ladybug and Marinette are two completely different people!"

Plagg took a deep, comforting, frustrated breath and said, "Screw it. Adrien, Marinette is Ladybug." At least that's what he attempted to say. What actually came out of the Kwami's mouth was, "Screw it. Adrien—GLLGUBLULLLU!" That last bit of gibberish was the sound of a wall of bubbles being spat out.

"What was that?" Adrien asked.

"Hold on." Plagg grabbed a pen and paper and tried to write down the message "_Marinette is Ladybug_." Somehow his words spelled "_Bubbles bubbles Bubbles."_ Plagg crumpled the paper and tossed it. "Adrien, do you know morse code?"

"Yes."

"Okay, listen carefully." Plagg tapped out "_Marinette is Ladybug."_ He waited for Adrien to translate.

"Why did you say, 'bubbles,' over and over?"

"Wow, that spell is thorough," Plagg muttered.

_KER-FLUSH!_

Adrien finally came out, looking much more relaxed. "There, all gone."

"Sheer willpower triumphs again, huh?"

"Y'up, and now that my head is clear, I've decided to go to brunch tomorrow in order to let Marinette down easy. I can't go out with her because I already love Ladybug."

"Can't you at least bang Marinette first?" Plagg begged.

"Nope."

"UGH! This is Kagami all over again!"

* * *

_The next day:_

Adrien was making a to-do list based on a "_How to Reject A Girl"_ Wikipedia article_._ "Is Father going to join me for lunch?" he asked Nathalie at the door.

"Apologies, Adrien," she replied, "but your pre-scheduled shared meal together isn't until—" She stopped talking. No one interrupted her. She had stopped talking on her own because she saw Duusu floating at the table, mischievously adding little chaotic details to Adrien's to-do list.

"What's wrong, Nathalie?" Adrien asked. He started to follow her gaze to the Kwami when she shouted.

"Why don't you eat upstairs?!"

Adrien snapped back to the woman. "Upstairs? Why?"

"Because-Because-Because, uh..." As Nathalie scrambled for an excuse, Duusu picked up a table knife and sliced off a lock of Adrien's hair. "Because you can practice your Chinese up there and-and-and talking to yourself while you eat will make it feel like you're having a meal with your family!"

"Uh—"

"GO! NOW!" Nathalie shoved the to-do list into his hands and threw the boy out of the banquet room. She turned to glare at Duusu but the Kwami was gone. Its haunting laughter echoed from a nearby open-air vent. It was a nasty laugh, cackling without humor. Dark. Guttural. The laugh of an animal about to devour its prey.

"Sir, it's in the ventilation," she said into her walkie-talkie.

Gabriel's voice crackled back, "Release the nanobots."

* * *

_Across the city:_

Tom was making another batch of his trademark Baker's Memory Erasing Dough. His wife was busy hiding anything that was remotely made of jade. Upstairs, on the roof, the girl of the hour was panicking.

"It means nothing!" Marinette frantically told herself. Her hair frayed out wildly in every direction and her eyes were bloodshot from the sleepless night. "Anyone would've screamed that they loved Chat Noir and threw themself at him when they needed a distraction. There's no connection, nothing to read into, no Freudian slip. Who would fall in love with a pun-spewing, perverted dumbass who listens to what I have to say, goes out of his way to help me whenever I ask, and has literally sacrificed his life multiple times in order to protect me? Nobody! That's who! HAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Whoa," said Tikki, "I did not think this is what would break you."

"I couldn't care less about Chat Noir!" Marinette concluded. "And besides, he's not coming. He doesn't even like me. I'm just a fan to him, his only fan, but _just _a fan. He's head over heels for Ladybug. Chat Noir is never going to leave Ladybug for me."

"You are Ladybug."

Marinette glared at her. "Stop bringing logic into this."

Then she heard the mechanical _tzing_ of Chat Noir's staff extending and shortening in the distance.

"Oh my Astruc," she whispered and spun around. There was Chat Noir, hopping along the rooftops towards her. Her heart fluttered. "He's here. He's really going to do it. He's going to leave Ladybug for me. That bastard! Is that all Ladybug means to him? Just one declaration of love followed by a make-out session and he's over her? I'm gonna skin that heartless cat alive and then I'm going to take Ladybug out for a girls' night and show her she don't need no man!"

"Again," Tikki said, "you are Ladybug."

Marinette marched down to the kitchen, raring to tear Chat Noir a new one.

_Ding-dong, _went the doorbell.

"He's here!" Tom shrieked with dread. Then he cleared his throat and said in a more gushy tone, "Oh boy, he's here!" He quickly straightened the thousands of lovey-dovey flowers he'd bought to hide the multiple secret buttons, fixed his hair, and forced his wedding ring into Marinette's hands. The silver band was wide enough to muzzle a horse. "Your grandma made it from the tooth fillings of her rival gang leaders, she wanted you to have it."

"Dad. Stop. Please."

Marinette shoved the family heirloom back into Tom's barrel-sized arms and ripped open the door. On the other side stood Chat Noir, posing like a bodybuilder and flexing every ripped muscle in his body. Between his teeth was a pretty pink flower.

"Greetings, my Number One Fan!" he boomed.

"Hello, you horny, ass-chasing, womanizer," she seethed back.

"WE'RE NOT VILLAINS!"

Everybody stared at Tom.

Sabine grabbed the bowl of Memory Erasing Dough.

_Five minutes later:_

_Ding-dong, _went the doorbell.

Marinette ripped open the door.

"Greetings, my Number One Fan!" Chat Noir boomed. Then he smacked his lips. "Does the inside of your mouth suddenly taste like green flour?"

"Hello, you horny, ass-chasing, womanizer," she seethed back.

"Chat Noir! You made it!" Tom pushed through and shook the hero's hand. "You can call me The Baker and that's my wife The Candlestick Maker."

Everybody stared at Tom.

Sabine grabbed the bowl again.

_Five minutes later:_

_Ding-dong, _went the doorbell.

Marinette ripped open the door.

"Greetings, my Number One Fan!" Chat Noir boomed.

"Hello, you horny, ass-chasing, womanizer," she seethed back, brushing the green flour off her shoulder.

"D'awww~!" Tom cooed. "They already have cutesy nicknames for each other." The man took a photo, printed it, and added the pic to his collage of the most cherished moments in Marinette's life.

"Before things get out of hand," Chat Noir started to say, "I wanted to clear up to your parents that we've never actually date—"

"HE BROUGHT HER A FLOWER!" Tom sobbed forced tears of joy. He quickly encased the gift in a vacuum-sealed glass jar to be forever preserved in the Louvre. "It's so beautiful. Chat Noir, you gentleman, such a suave young Casanova. Treating my daughter like the Disney princess that she is."

Some wiring short-circuited and the family's TV started to slide aside to reveal the cave that led to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair.

"What was that?" asked Chat.

"NOTHING!" Tom blocked their view and shouted, "YOU SHOULD KISS EACH OTHER HELLO!"

Both teens went pale.

"KISS!" Tom lifted them off their feet and pressed their lips together like a pair of dolls. "This is a normal thing non-supervillain parents do!"

"Tom!" Sabine quickly sealed the cave and tried to pull the man away, but the petite woman only managed to steer her huge husband to the table where he plopped the lovebirds into their chairs.

Chat Noir quickly apologized about the kiss but Marinette didn't hear him. That had been her second kiss that didn't kill her. She was up in the stars again.

"...Bwuuueeeeegh..." she whispered.

"You'll have to forgive him," Sabine said to them gently as Tom stumbled to the kitchen. "Tom has always been a hopeless romantic. You know, like most non-supervillain dads. How about we have a nice calm meal and talk about simple non-supervillain topics like the latest movies or—"

"Who wants to share a milkshake?" Tom sang. A tall glass filled with a foamy strawberry mixture was pushed between the kids. The sickeningly pink thing was covered with hearts and a photoshopped image of Marinette and Chat Noir kissing passionately. A pair of curly straws poked out of the mountain of whipped cream, bent to spell the word: "_MariChat."_

Sabine sighed as she extinguished the sparklers that were raging over the dessert. "Tom, what happened to the crepes?"

"Threw them out. Not non-supervillain enough," he shrugged. "So tell me, Chat Noir, as a superhero do you think it matters if a pair of supervillains escaped the law as long as they retired from committing crimes, got married, and dedicated their lives to raising a family—"

"Tom, you can stop talking now, I already erased their memories," Sabine said, pulling the dizzy teens' heads out of the bowl.

"Thank you. I couldn't stop."

_Five Minutes Later:_

"Tell me, Chat Noir," Tom said as he pushed the now slightly melted milkshake between the two. "Do you think you'll always be a hero?"

Sabine shot him a warning glare.

"Um," Chat started to say.

"You're right, dad!" Marinette shouted over the cat-boy. "Being the girlfriend of a superhero is really dangerous. I'd probably be the target of kidnapping and regularly strapped to rockets that'll be blasted to the moon."

"Or tied to a conveyor belt and slowly inched towards a cauldron of boiling candle wax," Sabine added with nostalgia.

"Uh," Chat started to say.

"She's right!" shouted Tom. "Listen to your girlfriend. You should give up on the whole pursuit of justice line of work and become a baker like me. It'll be great! I'll teach you the art of bread while slowly indoctrinating you in the ways of robbery. Forget I said that last part, please. We're almost out of Memory Erasing Dough."

"Tom!" Sabine slapped a hand over the man's mouth. "How about you take a break from incriminating us and let Chat Noir talk for a bit."

Tom, thankfully, kept his trap shut.

Everyone waited patiently as Chat Noir finished the milkshake. He wiped his mouth and leaped onto the table.

"Marinette!" he boldly proclaimed and took a heroic pose. Tom and Sabine, assuming the worst, drew the weapons they had taped under their chairs. "It is true what your parents say. Being a hero is a dangerous profession. Many foes have I fought and many times has my life been forfeit in the name of justice. But I'd gladly do it every day for the rest of my life as long as I knew _you_ were there!"

Marinette's heart skipped a beat.

Tom and Sabine, not taking any chances, kept their weapons aimed at the hero's back.

"Every time I fail, every time I am bested," Chat Noir pounded his chest, "I only need to think of you cheering my name! You believing that I can win! It is the thought of _you_ that keeps me going! _You_ are why I keep fighting, Marinette! YOU! MY NUMBER ONE FAN!"

His mighty cry shook the house and several car alarms blared in the street. Marinette couldn't take her eyes off the boy. His words had struck her like a hurricane and left her winded, feeling something she couldn't quite name.

"That being said, I can't go out with you."

It suddenly got very quiet.

"H-Huh...?" Marinette said.

"Yeah, I like you, you're a great person, but I simply love Ladybug."

Whatever that unnamed feeling was, it was quickly smothered and replaced with relief. "Oh thank Astr—" Marinette saw her gaping parents still in the room. "I mean, you're rejecting me?! No! All those months of watching you from a distance, pining to bury my face in your leathery chest, dreaming of cuddling with you under a blanket and watching romantic-comedies, WASTED!"

"Um," Chat Noir shrugged. "We can still do the movie night thing. There's no reason why we can't be frien—"

"NO! Even the thought of being near you without having your pointy ears all to myself is too painful!" Marinette wailed and chucked the heart-shaped souffle her dad had made into the garbage disposal. "I'll never open my heart to another boy again. I'm going to die a virgin!" Pinching herself until tears started to spill, Marinette made a show of stumbling up to her room where the crying immediately became laughing.

"HAHA!" she chuckled triumphantly. "Dodged a bullet there. Can you believe it, Tikki? Chat Noir doesn't love me, he's still in love with Ladybug. Good riddance! Let that poor polka-dotted sucker deal with his clinginess."

Tikki's eye twitched. "For the last time, you are Lady—Forget it! I give up!"

A floor below, Chat Noir was still on the table. Now having successfully made a complete ass out of himself, he wondered what was the next step of rejecting a girl. He turned to Marinette's parents.

Tom Dupain was, in a word, livid. Steam billowed off the man's broad shoulders. His eyes glowed with a level of fury Chat Noir thought only Ladybug could conjure. Sabine, while disappointed for her daughter, was more scared for the boy.

The woman fired her candle-themed blaster at Tom and he was temporarily entombed in wax.

"Run!" she ordered.

Chat Noir jumped out the window.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man explaining a chart that had many crisscrossing lines. "Okay, so, this Marinette girl has the hots for Chat Noir but Chat Noir loves Ladybug, however, Ladybug clearly hates Chat Noir and she evidently has a thing for my son who up until this point I had assumed was dating that robot Ladybug he got on the internet. I call it the Love Parallelogram." Hawkmoth capped his marker and looked proudly at his worker. "I think that covers it. What do you think? I was going to go with Love Square but I think Parallelogram sounds cooler."

Nathalie groaned. "I think, sir, that you're doing everything possible to ignore the real problem." She pointed behind him where Duusu laughed maniacally as the nanobot cloud meant to destroy it tried desperately to get away from the Kwami.

"Where are you going, fellas? Come back?" Duusu called with a sick grin. "I just wanna be _friends._ HAHAHAHAHOOOHOOOHOHOHOHHEHEHEHEHE!"

"I have no clue what you're talking about," Hawkmoth said. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm too busy to deal with Duusu. I have to akumatize someone!" He shoved Nathalie out and filled one of his butterflies with darkness.

_Back at the bakery:_

The wax started to crack.

"Tom, listen to me," Sabine said soothingly, patching the prison. "This is a good thing, remember? Now we don't have to worry about Ladybug and Chat Noir finding us."

A chunk of wax flew off.

"Marinette will get over it. She'll find someone new. Someone who isn't a superhero."

A fist fired through the wax and broke the glass jar holding the flower Chat Noir had brought. Tom grabbed the plant at the same time as a black butterfly. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Hey there, big guy, I know exactly how you're feeling," Hawkmoth said sympathetically. "Your kid is growing up too fast. The world is a dangerous place. You need to keep them safe. Well, you know what will keep your kid safe?"

"Locking them up in their room and never allowing anyone to see or hurt them ever again?" hissed Tom.

"Exactly! Great minds think alike. Who needs trust and understanding when you can imprison the ones you love against their will so they'll never leave you!"

"I like it!" Tom growled before he was swallowed by bubbling darkness. The darkness expanded up the walls and into Marinette's room.

"He doesn't love me! He doesn't love me!" Marinette sang and danced awfully to a song only she could hear. She didn't notice the bubbling darkness cocooning her. Tikki grabbed some popcorn and settled in for the show.

_ Outside: _

Chat Noir was checking off his rejection to-do list on his cat-pad. "Escape by the hair of my teeth? Check. Final step: assume a new identity and pray to never run into someone with the last name Dupain-Cheng ever again. Huh, I don't remember writing that down and that's clearly not my handwriting. Oh well, it's on the list." He donned a sombrero. "And now begins the tale of El Gato Negro! Olé!"

_KABOOM!_

The roof of the Dupain-Cheng Patissierre exploded open and a giant thorny beanstalk rapidly grew into the sky.

"Ay, chihuahua!" swore El Gato Negro.

_ Inside: _

Sabine stared up the beanstalk that reached beyond the clouds. "Well… gàn."

The boy who caused this mess charged in. "Señora Cheng," he said in a thick Spanish accent. "Soy El Gato Negro, no relation to Chat Noir, and I am here to, how you say, ayuda. Does your hija need a hug?"

"This isn't Marinette," she replied, marching to the kitchen. "This is Tom, Chat Noir."

"Chat Noir? Who is this muchacho you speak of? He is muy guapo?"

Sabine punched a secret code into the microwave keypad and the oven popped open. Out of the oven slid a metal briefcase. "_In Case Tom Gets Akumatized"_ was written across its surface in dark letters. "Tom always took things too far and when Hawkmoth started abusing people's emotions I knew I'd need to be prepared. Here, you'll need this." She opened the case and revealed her trump card.

"A croissant?"

"Not just any croissant, Chat Noir. This croissant was handmade by Tom's long-estranged dad. It was the last meal he ever made for his son. I've been carefully preserving it for this day." She gazed up the beanstalk with fierce determination. "One taste of this croissant and whatever is left of Tom will rush to the surface long enough for you to defeat him."

"Wow, that's amazing," said El Gato Negro. "Guess I shouldn't have eaten it."

Sabine stared at the now empty briefcase.

El Gato Negro wiped the crumbs off his face and gave the woman an over the top thumbs-up. "Do not worry, Señora Cheng. I shall rescue your familia." Then he scampered up the beanstalk with cat-like agility.

"What the hell does my daughter see in you?" Sabine muttered.

_Up in the air:_

El Gato Negro leaped from giant thorn to giant thorn, scaling the redwood-thick vine as fast as he could.

"Phew, this thing goes pretty high," he said as he broke through the clouds. "Better up here than down in the city where this stuff could hurt people."

An airplane passed by, clipping its wing on the beanstalk. One of the turbines exploded and the entire thing crashed in a great ball of fire.

_Up in the stratosphere:_

At the top of this behemoth of a plant was a giant cluster of vines and trapped deep within its tangles was Marinette. The girl crawled through her new surroundings, desperate to find an exit. There was nothing but vines, thorns, and leaves as far as the eye could see.

"Hello? Anybody?" she called. Her voice echoed around her as if she were in a deep canyon. "Mom? Dad? Tikki?"

"Marinette? Can you hear me?" replied a child-like voice.

"Tikki! Keep talking. I'll follow the sound of your voice."

"You got it. I'll just keep saying random words and sounds. You. Are. A. Dumbass."

Marinette gasped. Tikki's voice had somehow come from five completely different directions. "Oh no! Tikki, I think these plants are magically bouncing your voice around so I can't escape."

On the outside of the vine prison, Tikki tried to hold in her snickers as she flew to another random spot and called out, "Really? But I didn't move, I swear. I'll hold completely still and try again. You keep listening." She flew to another spot. "I." And another. "Hate." And another. "Your." And another. "Face."

"This isn't working, Tikki," Marinette groveled, much to the Kwami's amusement. "Oh wait! I know what to do!"

Tikki smiled, eager to mess with the girl again. "You do? What?"

"Tikki, spots on!"

Tikki stopped smiling. Magic siphoned her into the cluster like a magnet. "FUCK!" she cried as she smacked into a thorn. "FUCK!" And another. "FUCK!" And another. "FUCK!" And another. "FUCK!" And just kept going, pulled along by the Miraculous. Unfortunately for the Kwami, the vines were enchanted to make sure no one ever crossed paths with Marinette, so… this was going to be a looong and bumpy ride.

_Down in the troposphere:_

El Gato Negro pulled himself up to the first stretch of vines that formed a flattish plain. On the far side waited the next leg of the beanstalk that shot straight up into the air. He started for it but was then cut off by a hulking, hairy, wolfman covered in vines!

"You broke my daughter's heart!" roared Weredad.

"Oh, no, no, no, you are mistaken, señor. That was Chat Noir." The cat-boy shook a pair of maracas. "Soy El Gato Negro, no relation."

Weredad squinted at the boy. A pair of neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and Hawkmoth squinted at him too.

"Hmm..." Hawkmoth said. "Nope, that isn't him. Chat Noir doesn't wear a hat."

"Ooh, my bad, El Gato Negro." Weredad stepped aside.

"No problemo. Happens all the time." El Gato Negro confidently made his way to the next beanstalk and continued to climb.

"Chat Noir! Come up here and face me!" Weredad howled like a wolf at the edge, ready to pummel the cat-boy the second he showed his face.

"Hi-ho, giant!" called a young lad as he climbed up. He was dressed like a peasant from medieval times. "My name is Jack and I have come to plunder your castle in the sky for its golden-egg laying goose and singing harp. Have at thee!"

Weredad punted Jack into the clouds.

_Up in the cluster:_

The echoes of Tikki smacking into something and then painfully shouting, "FUCK!" weren't getting any closer. Marinette needed a new plan. She figured as long as she went in a straight line, she'd eventually find an edge. But no matter how far she went she couldn't see a speck of blue sky in the green. It was like the vines kept going on forever.

"Screw this," she grumbled. "Tikki, if you can hear me, spit a fireball and burn this plant to the ground."

"**No! Wait! Don't!**" a powerful voice thundered around her.

"What the fuck…?" Marinette said.

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.

"**So impatient. Fine, you win. I am Hathor, the Egyptian god of Love!**" the powerful voice continued. "**You have done well to get this far, young Seeker of Love. To complete your quest and win the heart of the princess, one final challenge awaits.**"

The world shook under Marinette's feet and the vines shifted. With thick groaning, layers of green parted like curtains to reveal a great pyramid made of vines. At the top, a spotlight shined upon the pink flower Chat Noir had brought her.

"Aha!" Marinette said. "That must be where the Akuma is hiding. Too easy."

The girl took one step toward the pyramid and was nearly sliced in half by a swinging thorny vine.

**"Not so fast, young Seeker of Love. The path is treacherous."**

Indeed, the way to the pyramid was dotted with sharp vines, swinging like hanging blades out of a classic video game dungeon level. Pissed beyond reason, Marinette dug her nails into the swinging vine and tore it out of the cluster.

**"Hey! Whoa!"**

"Out of my way!"

Marinette barreled forward, using her new vine weapon to whack the other obstacles aside. She reached the base of the pyramid in less than ten seconds.

**"For the love of Ra! What was that? That was supposed to teach you the values of patience and perseverance and how they are essential in love."**

"Don't care, knockoff Cupid!" Marinette ripped a pair of thorns out of her vine and used them as climbing axes to scale the pyramid in record time.

**"Stop! Stop! The steps are supposed to flatten and make you fall to illustrate that love can be an uphill battle!"**

"You really like metaphors, don't ya, Hathor?" Marinette replied as she reached the peak. "How about this for a metaphor? What I just did illustrates how everything you think you know about love is crap." Marinette reached for the flower. As soon as her fingers wrapped around the stem... _ZAP!_ A crippling shock raced through her body. "YEE-OUCH!"

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.

**"Oh no you don't! Do you know how long I've waited for someone to invoke a magical love quest? Do you? I mean, I don't because I'm immortal and time is as meaningless to me as it is to babies, but I'm assuming it was a very long time. Take this seriously and learn something about love or you don't get your princess!"**

"I am the princess!" Marinette hissed at the walls. She rubbed her sore hand and went for another grab at the flower. "And I don't need a Seeker of Love to rescue MEE-OUCH!"

**"UGH! You're one of those Gen Z feminist types, aren't you? Whatever happened to the good old days when you could kidnap a girl, give her to the first man who breaks down your door, and she'd happily marry him? Oh, wait! Hold on, someone else is here. Just a sec."**

_Outside the cluster:_

El Gato Negro finally reached his destination. Now he only needed to go in there and find Marinette.

**"O Noble Seeker of Love,"** a powerful voice thundered around him. **"Have you come to claim the hand of the princess?"**

"Uh lo siento, disembodied voice," he said, hopping into the cluster. "Marinette is una gran chica and all but she's more of a Numer Uno Fan to me and I only call her Princessa as a fun nickname that fits with the whole valiant knight motif that I'm going for."

**"DAMMIT!"**

"Marinette, if you can hear me, keep talking! I'll follow the sound of your voice and rescue you!" he proudly called and delved deeper into the green. His Number One Fan's voice was still too distant to make out what she was saying, but he was sure it was endless praise for his bravery.

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!" a child-like voice shouted behind him.

El Gato Negro turned in time to get a Kwami missile to the face. The impact launched him out of the cluster.

"Puta madre!" he screamed as he fell towards his doom.

_On the pyramid:_

Hathor returned to find Marinette using a thorn to saw the pedestal that was holding the flower in place. The god used a vine to whip the thorn out of her hands. "**Stop that. Since nobody here wants to do this the old fashioned way, I'll make this more modern."** The spotlight on the flower became a 21st-century fluorescent lightbulb shade. "**Speak the name of the one you love and freedom shall be yours."**

"That's more like it. Adrien," Marinette said, grasping the flower. _ZAP!_ "OUCH! What the hell?!"

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.

**"Speak the name of the one you love and freedom shall be yours,"** Hathor repeated.

"Um… Luka?" Marinette reached hesitantly. _ZAP!_ "OUCH!"

**"Speak the name of the—"**

"What do you want me to say, huh?" True fear froze her in place. "Oh no… Don't tell me it's… Chat Noir? It can't be him. That whole screaming 'I love you' and three minutes of kissing was just… a mistake? Yeah! A spur of the moment mistake I had to go with that got out of hand. I don't love him."

Time passed.

**"Don't you want to check?"**

"No!" She glanced nervously at the flower. "But I will just to prove a point." Trembling as if she were on Death Row, Marinette grabbed the flower and squeaked, "Chat Noir." _ZAP!_ "OUCH! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet Astruc, THANK YOU! I told you I didn't love him."

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.

**"Speak the name of the one you love**," insisted Hathor.

"I did!" Marinette replied. "Your test is broken!"

**"Did you? Or did you speak the name of the one you worship like a god followed by the name of the one you're too afraid to love followed by the name of the one you silently care for but are determined to hate?"**

"I'm not determined to—I'm not afraid of—I—You—GAAAH!" Marinette growled and started hurling thorns in every direction she could. "Don't you dare tell me I don't love Adrien! Okay, maybe I used to be a bit stalkerish but I've toned it down! I can talk to him! I've danced with him! I'VE KISSED HIM! He is the sweetest most kindhearted boy I have ever met and I love Adrien!" She grabbed the flower. _ZAP!_ "OUCH!"

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.

**"Love can be a beautiful thing,"** Hathor said calmly, "**but it takes time."**

"ADRIEN!" _ZAP! _"OUCH!"

**"It takes sacrifice."**

"ADRIEN!" _ZAP! _"OUCH!"

**"But most important of all…"**

"ADRIEN!" _ZAP! _"OUCH!"

**"...one cannot love another unless they already love themself."**

"ADRIEN!" _ZAP! _"OUCH!"

**"Hey, you listening? I'm kinda spelling the answer out for you here. Love yourself? Get it? Maybe you should try saying your own name?"**

"Fuck you and fuck your impossible riddle!" Marinette grabbed the flower with both hands and grit her teeth. Pain ravaged her body but she didn't let go. She dug heels into the roots and threw her body back. She reached deep within herself and channeled that unnamable feeling of GLAAAWLAAAAALAL!

"I! LOVE! ADRIEN!"

_ZA-snap._

The flower came out like nothing had been holding it in place.

**"Wow. That's not healthy."**

The stem broke in Marinette's iron grip and out fluttered the black butterfly. The vines around her shuddered and shriveled. Sunlight at long last spilled into the prison and Marinette finally saw the sky. Her happiness was short-lived as gravity made itself known.

Screaming Bloody Mary, Marinette tumbled towards the hard unforgiving Earth! Over the rushing wind, she heard something approach.

_SMACK!_ "FUCK!"

Marinette spun her head around and saw Tikki being dragged towards her like a fish on an invisible hook. The Kwami smacked a few more thorns before reaching her and, in a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug!

"That's more like it!" she said.

Straightening her body, she aimed for the distant specks of her dad and Chat Noir, who was for some reason wearing a sombrero. Along the way, she de-evilized the butterfly and had time to check her email. She finally reached the falling men and asked, "Anyone need magical bullshit luck that stops people from hitting the ground at breakneck speed?"

"Mi amor!" El Gato Negro cheered. "I knew you'd save us. Isn't she wonderful, Señor Dupain? How can anyone not love her?" His sombrero flew off.

Tom gasped. "CHAT NOIR?! You broke my daughter's heart!" he roared and proceeded to strangle the boy.

"No! Dad—I mean, Mister Dupain, stop!" Ladybug wrestled with the man.

All three were too distracted to see the plane.

_On the ground:_

Sabine watched the multi-colored blob in the sky she assumed was her family, as well as Ladybug and Chat Noir, disappear into the plane's windshield. She heard a delayed smash of glass. The plane kept flying steadily onwards and for a second the woman considered driving to the airport to meet them there. Then the multi-colored blob erupted out the rear of the plane.

_Up in the sky:_

Ladybug grabbed hold of the two formerly fighting, currently unconscious fellows covered in complimentary packets of nuts and overpriced sandwiches. She aimed for her house and stopped falling inches from the ground.

"How did you..." Sabine started to say.

"Luck. Don't worry about it," Ladybug replied. Then she put her dad and Chat Noir down and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

All of the vines were taken away.

All of the airplanes were repaired.

Tom Dupain and Chat Noir were awoken.

"You bastard!" Tom shouted and resumed strangling Chat Noir. "How dare you hurt Marinette!"

"Marinette is fine!" shouted Ladybug. "She's up in her room! She's fine!"

Sabine and Tom gasped and ran upstairs. Tom was still strangling Chat Noir. "Marinette!" he cried.

Ladybug groaned and lassoed up to the roof.

_In Marinette's room:_

Ladybug dropped through the ceiling door and de-transformed seconds before her family arrived.

"Marinette!" Tom shouted with joy and hugged his daughter tightly. He was still strangling Chat Noir. "I have him, honey. How should we make him pay? Boil him in candle wax? Bake him in a loaf of bread? Frame him for tax fraud?"

"I say we let him go," Chat Noir wheezed.

"No!"

"Actually, dad, I agree with Chat Noir," said Marinette.

The eagerness to see the light fade from Chat Noir's eyes disappeared from Tom's face. His grip loosened and Chat Noir dropped to the floor. "But, honey… revenge…?"

"I don't need revenge, dad," Marinette said, helping Chat Noir to his feet. "Chat Noir has every right to love Ladybug and she's lucky to have him."

"But, but, but, you screamed that you loved him last night."

"Details."

"And then you kissed him."

"Details."

"For _three minutes._"

"DETAILS! I'm allowed to change my mind, dad, and I've decided that I'm officially over Chat Noir! No revenge!"

Tom's eyes began to water. "But, but, but—" Sabine took his arm.

"Tom, listen to your daughter. She's mature enough to handle her disappointment. Trust me, she can do better."

The man took a long moment and swallowed his pride. "Okay, honey."

Satisfied, Marinette turned to Chat Noir. The cat-boy was already back to doing his best bodybuilder pose. He was wearing the sombrero again. "Soy glad to see you buena again, Marinette," he boomed. "As a hero, the wellbeing of mi amigo Chat Noir's Numero Uno Fan is muy importante."

There was a thought at that moment in Marinette's head. She could correct Chat Noir. She could put an end to this whole Number One Fan misunderstanding. All Marinette had to do was say the words. She took a deep breath and removed his sombrero.

"I'm happy to be your Number One Fan and your friend, Chat Noir."

Still in his flexing pose, tears brimmed in the cat-boy's slitted eyes. "Really? We're still friends? You mean it?" he asked, dropping the accent.

"Of course, there's no reason why we can't still be friends."

And there was no reason why she couldn't be his Number One Fan. There were no downsides, it wasn't like they would have to date or anything like that. And if him thinking that Marinette was cheering for him on the sidelines made him fight harder, then maybe being his Number One (and only) Fan in the world wouldn't be so bad.

"Thank you, Marinette, you're so amazing!" Chat Noir said, hugging her one last time. He scampered to the window and made a final heroic pose. "I'll see you here next week for our first movie night, Number One Fan." Then he jumped away.

Marinette stared after him. "Wait, what did he say?"

END

Gàn = fuck in Chinese.

NEXT WEEK: THE PREMISE OF 80% OF ALL MARICHAT FANFICS!


	20. 3rd Missing Memory

_Here's how the brainstorming for this chapter went: "So, if Chat Noir can purr like a cat, then does that mean he also has other cat qualities like a... oh fuck..."_

* * *

Memory 3  
**MOVIE NIGHT  
**By: Adrien "Chat Noir" Agreste

Good evening, Bugaboo!

I recently realized I never told you about our match with Gigantitan as well as some Akumas from what feels like ages ago.

**Gigantitan**

This Akuma had me a little worried, M'Lady. I never thought Hawkmoth could be so cruel as to Akumatize a baby. You were convinced that it was a _meow_stake and that Hawkmoth was a bumbling fool who doesn't know how to be a bad guy, but I'm not so sure.

So, anyway, I was out on the town, doing as normal average people whose lives aren't constantly monitored and controlled do and modeling in a photoshoot. Sorry, my hand slipped, what I meant to write was I was playing hopscotch. That's a game normal people of my age play, right? (Note to self: research what outdoor games the commoners play.) I was just about to beat my hopscotch high score when all of a sudden a baby transformed into the giant you and I faced last week. Gigantitan was really harmless and just wanted to play and eat candy. You had the bold plan of luring the Akuma under the Eiffel Tower and then caging him in with your yo-yo. It worked until Gigantitan got cranky and collapsed the tower and sent me flying.

I crash-landed on Andre Glacier's ice cream cart. I thought he'd be angry about the destruction of his means of income but he was strangely more concerned about the "roots in my heart" (whatever that means). He was flabbergasted that they were "gone" and that his "revenge on Ma**REDACTED **was being sabotaged." He tried to give me an ice cream cone. I had no idea what he was talking about or why he'd reward me but I'm never one to turn down free ice cream. Unfortunately, I had already primed my Cataclysm and the delicious treat crumbled to ashes in my hand before my first taste. I thanked him for his generosity and raced back to help you, LB. By the time I got there, you were in Gigantitan's sticky clutches and he was about to take a gummy bite out of you!

Thankfully you were saved at the last second by a group of brave civilians who I later found out are the close-knit group of friends of my Number One Fan. I'm not entirely sure what girls do together as friends (I assume they get foot massages, do each other's hair, maybe harshly criticize each other to the point of drawing tears), but these girls called themselves the "Adrinette Task Force" for some reason. No clue what an Adrinette is. Could it be an acronym or an anagram (Intreated? Air tented? Rat End Tie?)? I'm sure it's just a fun inside joke they turned into their club name.

Anyway, thanks to the Adrinette Task Force, you were freed and were able to enact your master plan of tricking Gigantitan into choking on a lamp post. The distraction worked and you were able to save the day once again. (Side note: Is it normal for mothers to refer to their baby as their husband who has been cursed by an old gypsy woman into the form of a toddler until they do 101 good deeds? Because that's what the baby's mother said when we gave her son back to her.)

And I left to resume my hopscotch high score breaking streak. As I did, I happened to see my Number One Fan. I offered her a ride home. Whoops, sorry, hand slipped again, I should really stop writing these in pen. I meant to write that Adrien Agreste (never met him) offered her a ride home, like a true friend. She seemed unsure at first (probably had somewhere to be) but then, for whatever reason, the Adrinette Task Force picked her up and threw her in Adrien Agreste's car. I'm sure they had a nice relaxing drive across Paris as good friends. (Although, she did scream NO at several points and make this dopey smile over and over)

**Syren**

Let me start off with an apology, Bugaboo. I was acting like a complete jerk this day. It was just that you were clearly keeping secrets from me about the other Miraculous, the true identities of Carapace and Rena Rouge and the mysterious Guardian of the Miraculous. I was fed up with being kept in the dark and I took it out on you.

You could say I was having a _hiss_y fit. (Because cats hiss)

I was using my day productively and certainly not trying to bribe Plagg into spilling what he knew about what you were hiding when my room started to flood! At first, I thought my Father Gab**REDACTED** had left the **REDACTED** waterpark on again, but a quick smell revealed this wasn't pool water. They were tears! This was clearly the doing of an Akuma. I transformed and headed out. By the time we ran into each other, the only dry places in Paris were the rooftops. The city was completely underwater!

You went to track down the Guardian because you believed he could help us. I wasn't allowed to follow you and… well… I'm really ashamed of what happened next, LB, but I swore to tell you the truth. I was so frustrated with not knowing what was going on that I… let myself get captured by the Akuma.

I know. It was stupid and childish. I think I had convinced myself that I could show you how we needed to work as a team by taking myself out of the fight but that only made things harder. Especially when the Akuma, a water breathing fish-girl called Syren, instead of taking me prisoner and using me as leverage decided the best course of action was to hold me underwater until I stopped breathing. Everything went dark and I thought for sure I was a goner.

The next thing I knew, someone was giving me mouth-to-mouth. I certainly did not assume it was you and took the opportunity to deepen the kiss only to discover it was the old Chinese commoner I gave my san**REDACTED**. Nope. That did not happen and the inside of his mouth did not taste like moldy feet. After puking for unrelated reasons, the man I now knew as the Guardian gave me a special potion for Plagg which transformed him into Aqua-Plagg! With my new merman form (which, as you previously saw, was just a cat-themed conch shell over my crotch (all the better to show off my chiseled abs and my toned butt)), I joined you to finish off Syren.

Turns out, Syren was a girl named Ondine who has a serious crush on this guy named Kim and she wanted to make him into her forever hubby. All it would take was one kiss and Kim would transform into a merman and they'd live under the sea together forever. I was raring to beat some fishtail but you told me to just wait and watch. As odd as your strategy seemed, I trusted you and did nothing as Syren kissed Kim and magically turned him into a merman!

After the initial jubilations, Kim… well… acted like Kim (pestering about whether or not they could still go see _Mecha-Monkeys versus Mega-Shark 3_? How exactly does he go to the bathroom with fish legs? Could he still play land sports or would he have to specialize in water polo? Does eating fish count as cannibalism? As her forever hubby merman does this mean Syren is going lay a clutch of eggs (that's the scientific term) and then he releases his _fertilizer_ all over them?). This inquisition went on for a good thirty or so seconds before Syren started screaming and begged Ladybug to make it stop.

You wrapped things up quickly, Bugaboo, and drained the city. Things are actually working out for Ondine, she and Kim are now dating.

The next day, I got an unexpected visit from the Guardian Master**REDACTED**, posing as my substitute Chinese tutor. He gave me more magical potions for Plagg and caught me up the best he could on the Kwamis. I'm still hoping we can find common ground with them. Plagg is one of my best friends, I'd hate to go to war with his family. I'm _feline_ so happy to be included in the loop now and my Father really seems to get along with Master**REDACTED.** He kept asking about his knowledge of ancient Chinese recipes that were rumored to have magical benefits and the secrets to unlocking unlimited power and then laughing sinisterly. My Father can be so weird.

**Prime Queen**

This Akuma had to be months ago. I can't believe I forgot to tell you about it, M'Lady. We had an exciting live interview with ace news reporter Nadia Chamak! I have absolutely no idea how this got arranged but I wasn't going to let an opportunity to garner more fans slip away. I arrived on set early and eager to _chat_ (get it? (even though Nadia claimed the interview was supposed to be "with Ladybug only" I stuck around for moral support)). You, LB, arrived just in the nick of time for the interview. You looked rather out of breath. I'm sure the actual interview is still online but I wouldn't watch it. It got pretty embarrassing for both of us. Especially when Nadia blindsided us with that picture of you kissing me! (You said it was to free me from Dark Cupid's magical control (I think M'Lady protests too much)) Nadia was really determined to get us to reveal we were dating. I eagerly professed my love, as I usually do, but you… not so much.

You sort of ransacked the studio. A lot. Like, you set the building on fire.

Nadia was so devastated, it was no wonder she got akumatized into Prime Queen (she looked like a character straight out of _ReBoot_). The dastardly Akuma took my childhood fr**REDACTED **Chloe Bourgeois (never met her) hostage and hijacked a train! She cranked the train to dangerous speeds and trapped us aboard when we came to save Chloe. Now _we_ were the hostages! The only way Prime Queen would let us out was if we admitted we loved each other and that we were dating!

I valiantly made the heroic sacrifice and once again professed my love for all the world to hear, but you quickly shot me down (your tenacity only makes you more beautiful). Prime Queen upped the ante by kidnapping Alya Cesaire (I'm sure you know her from the Ladyblog) and threatened to drown her in the Seine River unless you said that you loved me. Again you refused and even dared Prime Queen to drop Alya in the water. You sold it really well, acting like you couldn't care less about Alya. You even did the classic "good riddance" line. I never doubted you, LB, even when you did nothing but smile evilly as Alya fell in the water, I knew you had a plan. Granted, I don't know why you had to wait until the bubbles stopped to enact your plan, but I trust you, M'Lady.

You suddenly proclaimed that Prime Queen had won and that you'd give her what she wanted. I was totally _paw_sitive you were pretending when you held me tightly and caressed my cheek as you whispered the sweet words I had dreamed of you saying since the moment I first laid eyes on you and was in no way heartbroken when you added, "play along," under your breath. You then started to sensually unzip my spandex while loudly bragging about how we were totally going to bang on live TV.

Your ruse worked like a charm. When you slipped a hand below my waist, Prime Queen reached through the screen to adjust the censorship rating of her broadcast. You grabbed her arm, ripped her into our room, and beat her into unconsciousness. I had never been more turned on.

So, it all worked out in the end. Nadia even got her prime time slot back with a brand new show idea: _Interviews with the Traumatized_. It's a show where she interviews the victims of Hawkmoth and his Akumas about the horrors they endured and the endless nightmares that plague their sleepless nights. It's not parasitic or exploitative in the least.

And there's another 3, LB. I'll drop this off at the usual spot and then I'm heading over to my Number One Fan's place for our first ever movie night (I'm sure she has tons of Chat Noir merchandise that she's dying to get me to autograph)!

Love,

Adr**REDACTED**

**Chat Noir**

_PS - I've included a lock of my hair with this letter so you'll always have a piece of me whenever you're feeling **blue.**_

* * *

Marinette finished the strawberry pastry that came with the letter and squinted at the signature.

It looked like someone had scribbled out the original name and wrote in _Chat Noir._ The dumbass must've accidentally signed his real name, a name she did not want to know. These letters were always strange, filled with various handwriting styles as if there were multiple authors. The strangest style in this letter was the PS. The penmanship was so squiggly and imprecise, it almost made Marinette think the writer had been struggling to hold a human-sized pen with a pair of tiny arm nubs.

She folded the letter before she could read the crossed out parts and stuck the page in her dresser with the rest, ignoring the disturbing tuft of blonde hair taped to the bottom of the paper. It would be useless to lock the windows, she knew that. One way or another Chat Noir was going to barge in here soon to watch movies with his Number One Fan. She needed something to take her mind off the inevitable torture.

Her thoughts drifted back to the letter and its contents, specifically the interview with Nadia Chamak that she couldn't remember. It was so strange. Chat Noir had intentionally avoided writing her a word for word transcription like he was usually eager to give. Now, she was curious. Marinette went online and found the clip.

"So, Ladybug," Nadia said to her pre-recorded hero self, "what would you say draws you romantically to Chat Noir despite his many obvious flaws?"

She saw herself grind her teeth. "I don't—"

"I can answer that!" Chat Noir said, excitedly popping his head over Ladybug's shoulder. "It's my barbed cat claws. Ooh! No, wait, maybe it's my barbed cat tongue. No, it's definitely my barbed cat penis. Has many uses in bed, if you know what I mean. Personally, I can't decide what I love about LB the _meow_st. Everything about her is amazing. Her feisty temper, her strong right hook, her bootylicious body—"

"Back in your corner!" Nadia spritzed the cat-boy with water until he retreated offscreen. "As I was saying, Ladybug, Chat Noir is considered to be the worst excuse for a hero in the history of mankind."

Marinette saw her broiling rage start to simmer. "Well… I wouldn't say the worst—"

"All of my many secret lovers that my husband doesn't know about all agree, he's useless except for maybe as a distraction or a sacrificial pawn."

"Hey! Chat Noir has actually beaten several Akum—"

"We actually took a poll across Paris, asking people if they preferred you or Chat Noir and the results were staggering."

A bar graph appeared on the screen between them. The bar labeled _LADYBUG _rose nearly to the top. The second highest bar represented _WHO? THE SIDEKICK? I THOUGHT HE WAS A FURRY_. And barely showing a sliver at the very end was _CHAT NOIR._

"That's her!" Chat Noir proclaimed, jumping into the frame again. He pointed a proud finger at the sliver. "That's my Number One Fan, right there!"

A pair of security guards tackled the cat-boy and dragged him away.

"Despite all of this, Ladybug," Nadia asked, "why do you love Chat Noir?"

Nadia tapped her tablet again and the graph was replaced with a montage of out of context moments in Ladybug and Chat Noir's battles where they were physically close. They were mostly the points in battles where the duo were rolling away from explosions, dodging magical blasts, and being tied together and hung over molten lava. The last image was of Ladybug kissing Chat Noir. An audible gasp echoed around the studio.

"Could I get a copy of that pic?" Chat Noir asked.

"Is it pity?" Nadia pressed on. "I bet it's pity. Say it's pity."

"NO! I DON'T LOVE HIM!" Ladybug rammed a clawed fist through the image. With every word her voice became more ragged, her teeth sharper, her eyes more red and blue. "I ONLY KISSED HIM THERE TO FREE HIM FROM AN AKUMA! YES, CHAT NOIR MESSES UP! BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET _(TO RIP ON **HIM! THAT'S **__**MY**_ _**J****OB!**__)_"

The Beast lifted the couch with Nadia still sitting in it over its head and chucked the furniture at the camera. The Technical Difficulties card that showed a cartoony image of various Parisians ridiculously running away from black butterflies appeared.

Marinette stopped the video.

"Yeah..." Tikki said by her side. "I'm sure you have a lot of questions about the whole, 'rawr, destroy you all,' thing. To be honest, I'm not so sure myself. I think Duusu might've gotten inside your head at some point and left a little something behind. Before you ask, yes, you should be worried."

But Marinette wasn't listening. She had scrubbed back to the graph. That tiny thin thimble was hardly noticeable compared to the Ladybug tower and yet Chat Noir beamed at it with such determination and pride, ready to fight the world even if he had only one person on his side.

Marinette went to her TV without a word. She didn't make a sound even when Chat Noir vaulted in with a truck's worth of popcorn.

"Who's ready for movie night, Princess?" he sang. From the popcorn, he produced a stack of blu-rays that nearly reached the ceiling. "I know you said you wanted to watch a rom-com but I didn't know which one or the traditional amount of movies friends are supposed to watch in a single night so I bought them all." He uncapped a cat-themed marker and said, "So, what can I _cat-_o-graph for you tonight, my Number One Fan?"

For a while, there was no response. Chat Noir waited for the merchandise, holding his best power pose.

"You're a good person, Chat Noir."

The cat-boy flinched. He looked at Marinette but she was already digging through the stack of movies. She made no sign of having said anything. Maybe she didn't. Maybe he imagined it. What he didn't imagine was the ever so slight change in the mood. When he had visited before, Chat Noir had sensed Marinette was always panicking, no doubt from seeing her favorite superhero in the spandex covered flesh. Tonight, though, the air was calm. Marinette was calm. For the first time, Chat Noir felt Marinette was comfortable around him.

_WHOOMPH!_

A glowing portal tore open in the back of the room! A hoodie-wearing villain tumbled through and spraypainted a design on Marinette's wall. Seconds later, some pink-haired woman dressed as a bunny-themed superhero jumped through the portal.

"Hold still, Timetagger!" she ordered and took a swipe at him with her umbrella.

_WHOOMPH!_

The spraypainted design became another portal and Timetagger said, "Catch me if you can, Bunnix!" before jumping through.

"Don't call me that! I'm the Pink Devil!" she roared and gave chase.

Chat Noir stared wide-eyed at the still glowing portals. "Maybe I should take care of..." he started to say, but then he saw the movie Marinette had chosen was already rolling its opening credits. His Number One Fan was in her chair, seemingly undisturbed by the intruders. She patiently patted the seat next to her.

Chat Noir slowly took it.

Behind them, Chat Noir heard the fight rage on with more and more portals tearing open in Marinette's bedroom.

_WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH! _ _WHOOMPH!_

"It's getting a little bright in here with all those glowing portals," he said uncertainly.

Marinette turned off the lights.

No more portals tore open but there was now a constant loud thumping and grunting of the hero and villain destroying the room as they duked it out behind them. There was the crack of wood and the crunch of drywall both Chat Noir and Marinette were very familiar with. The boy was tempted to turn and look but the girl kept her steady gaze on the TV.

"You know," Chat Noir said, "I could probably get them to take their fight outside." He tried to get up.

Marinette put a staying hand on his shoulder and shook her head. He sat. The fight continued.

"Did you, uh..." He hesitated as the Pink Devil piledrived Timetagger through a toilet. "Did you say I'm a good person earlier?" Chat Noir asked.

"Ugh," Marinette groaned as Timetagger blinded the Pink Devil with paint. "You actually want to be a hero. You keep trying no matter how much you fuck up. You fight even when nobody cares about you. So, yes, you're a good person. I'm not going to repeat myself."

The Pink Devil tackled Timetagger out a window and after the broken glass finished raining in the streets, they could finally hear the movie. But Chat Noir wasn't watching the screen. He was grinning the widest, goofiest grin he could muster at his Number One Fan.

"You're a good person too, Princess," he said and passed her the popcorn.

END

_You gotta love subtle foreshadowing._ Subtle. SUBTLE! _SUBTLE! __**SUBTLE!**_


	21. 18 Fu Has A Girlfriend

_Meaningless random words!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_ASTRONAUT. GO ON._

_{Every night… the frog gazed... at the stars... and dreamed of flying in space.}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 18: Fu Has A Girlfriend  
_By: I Write Big

The place: Paris, France.

The year: 1941.

The occupants: Nazis! A whole lot of them.

Klaxons droned in the night air as red searchlights illuminated dozens of zeppelins behind the Eiffel Tower. SS Officers guarded every corner. A dark van with speakers on its roof repeatedly reminded the scared Parisians that curfew, like bedtime, was mandatory. On a rooftop, Timetagger narrowly escaped the Pink Devil and they both disappeared into another portal.

The invasion had been quick and demoralizing. No one knew what the Germans were after, what drove them to flood the city with troops and tanks so quickly. No one, except a squat Chinese man with a record player strapped to his back.

"He eez somevhere here, mein Obergruppenführer!" a German soldier called out. "Zee Chinese man vith zee Führer's prize eez near!"

"Spread out! Zeearch every houze!" the Obergruppenführer ordered.

As the Nazis dispersed, the man they were after was just a few feet below on the bank of the Seine River. He shivered in fear and cursed himself again for getting drunk with a seemingly kind young man with a funny mustache named Adolf. Fu had gotten so plastered that night that he thought it would've been entertaining to show his new drinking buddy the Miraculous. Big mistake. That crazy Adolf had been chasing him and the Kwamis' magical power ever since.

Suddenly a flashlight was in his face. Fu went pale as he locked eyes with the Nazi.

"I found h—" was all the soldier managed to say before he was kicked into the water and swept away.

Fu's savior flexed her leg and straightened her skirt. She was a handsome woman who, despite her noble action, was shaking like a leaf. "Are you alright, Fu?" asked Marianne.

"Uh, um, yes!" Fu quickly adopted a battle-ready pose. "But you need not fight, Marianne. Gweilo was no match for me. He beg me for mercy. But me show none."

Marianne held him and swooned. "Such heroism! You are truly the bravest man I have ever met."

Fu squeezed her hands and leaned towards her beautiful face. "When me with you, me have nothing to be scared of—AAH!"

The same Nazi from before burst from the water and aimed his rifle at them. "Freeze!"

Marianne ripped the weapon away and used it to club the soldier to unconsciousness. His body slid back into the drink. She slung the gun on her shoulder and returned to Fu.

"Oh my Astruc, that was terrifying," she whimpered, still frightened despite her victory. "I was so scared. Thank you for being so courageous, Fu."

"You know what," Fu said, glad that it was too dark for Marianne to see how badly he'd just wet his pants. "Me so brave, me flee to England. Did me say 'flee?' Me meant tactical retreat. Much better place to fight. Very strategic move. Not cowardly. You come?"

"Oh, Fu, you're so fearless." She hugged him tightly. "I wish I had your valor, but alas, I am a feeble woman who only knows the kitchen. I am not ready for true war and must remain here to fight side by side with The Resistance against the enemy in my front yard like a scaredy-cat. If only I was as brave as you..."

Fu had no idea how he'd gotten lucky enough to find a woman so perfectly blind to his cowardice but he wasn't going to lose her. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Fueled by the purest of love, he felt bravery for the first time in his life. "No," he said. "Me stay. We use Miraculous. We save Paris—"

"Releaze zee Murder Hornets!" the Obergruppenführer ordered in the distance. A dreaded buzzing filled the sky.

"Never mind. Me go to England. You in Fu's heart," Fu said. He pulled a Chinese broach from his pocket and stuck it to Marianne's blouse. "When war over, we get coffee?"

"Oh, Fu." She caressed his face. "That is the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."

And for a moment the world held still just for them, a coward with the weight of the world on his shoulders and a hero who didn't know her own strength. Two unlikely souls brought together in a time of great tragedy. The same thought passed through their minds. They may never see each other again.

"THERE!" a voice rang out.

Suddenly a spotlight was on them.

"Run, Fu!" Marianne shouted, aiming the rifle at the light. "Be brave for both of us and run!" She fired blindly.

"NEIN!" the Obergruppenführer screamed. "She shot zee Queen Murder Hornet! They have gone feral! AAAAAH!"

Fu dashed into the darkness.

* * *

_Many decades later, in Marinette's bedroom:_

"Girls!" Marinette announced like a drill sergeant. "We are in Code Red! This is the worst thing to happen since the Nazi invasion of Paris!"

She turned to her mercenaries: Alya, Mylene, Juleka, Rose, and Alix. They were all half-asleep.

"Marinette, it's Saturday morning," Alya yawned. "We all just got three hours of sleep after twelve hours of nonstop boozing and partying. Keep it down."

"Not happening! Thanks to certain letters from a certain somebody, I have it on good authority that we all became friends at some point and, as my friends, it is your personal mission to get me together with Adrien!"

"Once in a while, sure, if I want to blog your failures," Alya said with an uncaring shrug. "But we mostly do other stuff like check out the newest doilies Juleka made or play time-pranks or whatever the hell Mylene is into."

"I don't think my character was ever fully developed," Mylene admitted. "Can I be the rebellious cool girl who doesn't follow the rules and wears sunglasses indoors?"

"Wrong!" Marinette roared over the insubordination. "You all exist as a social group solely to help me with my problems and nothing else! Do I make myself clear?!"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" her troops shouted in unison.

Marinette pulled down a projector screen and started a slideshow. The first image was of London. "Today is the Royal Wedding and Adrien will be attending."

"Yay!" Rose cheered.

"But he's going with Kagami!"

"Boo!"

"And as we all know," Marinette shifted to the next slide which showed Queen Elizabeth II doing a keg stand to the thunderous applause of the British people, "those Royal Weddings are fucking ragers. There's a good chance that Adrien and Kagami will get super wasted and end up sleeping with each other. We have to stop this from happening!"

"Why?" Rose asked. "Me and Juleka have sleepovers all the time."

Everyone turned expectantly to Juleka who was using Rose as a pillow.

"Yes," Juleka yawned/sighed, "that's what Rose calls sex."

"Focus, Adrinette Task Force!" Marinette shouted. "I need ideas!"

Mylene adjusted her cool new sunglasses and took a deep gulp of black coffee followed by a 5-Hour Energy chaser. "Uh, maybe we could, I don't know, make a bomb threat or whatever?" she said like she was too cool to care.

"YES! Perfect!" Marinette grabbed her phone to dial the police.

"No," Alya yawned again and stuffed her head under a sofa cushion. "Adrien's super-rich, remember? He'll just take his private helicopter or stargate or whatever."

"OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!" Rose waved her hand in the air wildly. Juleka patted the top of her head. "Yippee! Okay, we follow Adrien to England and dress Marinette like a long lost princess from a forgotten magical kingdom! And then she dances with Adrien under the moonlight and they fall in love but then the clock strikes midnight and Marinette has to fight the fairy godmother who has come to claim Marinette's soul as payment for the spell that gave her the magical dress in the first place and—"

Juleka patted the top of Rose's head again and she stopped with a pleasant smile.

Alix vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. A silver platter of Yorkshire Pudding took her place. She reappeared a second later, waving a mini-British flag. "Doesn't work," she said. "You end up in Azkaban for cheating a fairy, Marinette."

"Dammit! Any other ideas?"

Juleka sighed, "Let's just kidnap Kagami."

It got very quiet.

"That's… brilliant!" Marinette cackled, already pulling out her breaking and entering tools. "I love it! We'll tie Kagami up and hide her ugly face where nobody will ever find her and then Adrien will have no choice but to forget her! HAHAHA!"

Rose unsheathed her pocket knife and started… _smiling_.

"That was a joke," Juleka sighed.

Marinette put away her collection of hammers. "I knew that."

Alix stood up with an annoyed groan and said, "Marinette, I keep telling you this—"

"You do?"

"—I have searched every possible timeline and the only way you have a remote chance with Adrien is if you make the first move. Trust me, you don't want to spend months of your life just being his friend only for a much taller girl with no tits who's entire personality seems to be based on swimming to swoop in and steal him. And then you're left with this big hole in your heart that keeps whispering in your ear, 'What if?' and you try to fill that hole by sleeping with hot guys across history but all they do is remind you of Kim and you keep saving his life _over and over because you stupidly hope that ONE DAY HE'LL REALIZE WHAT YOU NEVER HAD THAT BALLS TO SAY TO HIS DUMB FACE!"_

Everybody stared at the panting time traveler.

Marinette cleared her throat. "Alix, are you oka—"

"I'm fine! That's my contribution! Take it or leave it! I'm gonna hit up Casanova for a booty call because I DON'T NEED KIM!" She disappeared in another blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"She's right, girl," Alya said. "Just spill your guts to Adrien. It won't kill you."

"Won't kill me?!" Marinette laughed hysterically. "Alya, anything more intimate than holding hands stops my heart. Literally! I dance with Adrien, it kills me. I kiss Adrien, it kills me. If I tell Adrien I love him, I'll probably spontaneously combust! Telling Adrien how I really feel is without a doubt theeeeee—"

Marinette's word drew out because she saw Wayzz at the window. He was eating an eclair.

"—eeeeeee best idea I've ever heard! I'm totally going to do it!"

"Really?!" everyone else asked.

"Y'up! But I need to do it alone. OUT! ALL OF YOU!" She shoved the Adrinette Task Force down the stairs and slammed the trapdoor in their faces.

"Wayzz!" Tikki hissed at the window. "What the hell are you doing outside?"

"Just sampling everything I've missed over the years stuck indoors," the Kwami said as he ate from a basket of modern foods from across the world. "You humans put _sooo_ much sugar in everything and I can't get enough!"

"But why aren't you with Fu?" Marinette asked.

"Hmm?" Wayzz was puzzled for a moment. "Oh! Fu! Right! Wow, completely slipped my mind. He sent me out a while ago to deliver a message to you guys but I got distracted by all this deliciousness. What was the message? What was it? Oh! Now I remember. Fu is dying."

"FU IS DYING?!" Tikki shrieked.

"Eh," Marinette shrugged. "He was kind of useless."

"No, Marinette, you don't understand." Tikki frantically grabbed the girl. "The Kwamis are held in their dimension by the Guardian Spell and Fu is the last Guardian. As long as Fu is alive the rest of the Kwamis can't get out without a wielder. If he dies..."

Marinette became pale. "Oh fuck."

"Indeed," Wayzz agreed. "That was, jeez, last week I think. I should probably go check on him. Right after I finish this hotdog."

Marinette barreled out of the house.

* * *

_Later on the subway:_

Marinette barely got on the train in time and took her seat. This day was just getting worse and worse. Not only did she need to save her Adrien from a sad loveless life stuck with Kagami, but she also had to save Fu too? How could she possibly do both? It's not like there was a way to express her feelings to Adrien in a physically deliverable format.

Marinette blinked.

She suddenly remembered the slowly growing stack of letters from Chat Noir in her dresser.

"A letter! Of course!" She pulled a pen and paper from her purse. "I'll write how I feel and give Adrien the letter before he gets on the train! It's perfect! There's absolutely no way I can mess this up."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way," groaned Tikki.

But Marinette didn't hear her. She was already enraptured by the blank page. It waited to hold her heart. She pressed the pen to the paper and spoke honestly.

"Dearest you," she wrote. "When you love someone you must never hold back from telling them when you have the chance because one day you might realize that it's too late and all your hopes and dreams are ruined with no way to go back in time and do it over. I want to tell it to you today before you leave so you can take my words with you. I'm hoping they'll make your way to your heart and that when you come back you'll give me a chance to prove how true these words really are. I love you."

"Ha! She has feelings?" an eavesdropper snorted behind Marinette.

"And because she expressed them honestly, she's probably going to get laid. What a loser!" a fellow asshole added.

"We don't express how we feel, like real men! Watch!" The eavesdropper punched the asshole in the dick.

"I'm dead inside," said the asshole.

The couple of idiots laughed at Marinette's embarrassment all the way to their next stop where Marinette bolted out of the train.

* * *

_At Fu's Massage Parlor:_

Marinette entered to find a doctor standing over a bedridden Fu.

"Marinette…" Fu moaned at the girl like a zombie.

"Holy crap, doc, what's wrong with him?!" Marinette shouted.

"The name isn't doc, it's Doctor Doctorperson. I know, very coincidental name," Dr. Doctorperson said. "Your grandpa is suffering from Chronic Old Disease or COD for short. His body is in terrible shape and deteriorating at an exponential rate. His bones and organs have clearly gone through some form of rapid aging. It's like he's 200-years-old."

"I'm only 186..." Fu moaned.

"And he's clearly delusional. He rambles on and on about the fate of humanity, burning down some temple with a microwave burrito, keeping the demons at bay. Plain nonsense."

"Right," Marinette agreed nervously. "Complete nonsense."

The doctor handed her a prescription. "Get him to take this before the end of the day or, and I can't stress this enough, he will die!"

"DIE?!"

"Nah, I'm messing with you," Dr. Doctorperson chuckled. "He just has severe constipation."

Fu farted.

"Too much fried cat if you ask me. All he needs is some laxatives. Doctor Doctorperson away!" Dr. Doctorperson raced out of the building to find her next patient.

"Alright, not so bad," Marinette shrugged. "I'll just pop by the pharmacy on my way back from the train station and—"

"Wait!" Fu's decrepit hand wrapped around her ankle like a vice.

"Ew! No! I don't want to catch your old!"

"If anything happen to me, Marinette..." Fu rasped out. "You must become next Guardian of Miraculous..."

"Fuck that!" Marinette ripped the boney hand away. "I'm already Ladybug and now you want to tie my life to the rest of the Kwamis who can destroy the world too? Hell no! Here," she grabbed a mini zen garden from a shelf. "Make this the new Guardian. I promise to rake its sand every day so it'll never die."

Fu blinked. "Oh. Good idea." He laid his hands on the garden. "Me hereby induct you, Zen Garden, into sacred Pact of the Guardians of the Miraculous." A mystical wind blew through the massage parlor. Ancient whispers brushed by Marinette's ears and she felt some unseen force gather within the zen garden. Symbols that the girl could not begin to comprehend appeared in the zen garden's sand before sinking below the surface. "There," Fu said. "All done."

"Great." Marinette put the zen garden Guardian back on its shelf. Overwhelmed by its new position in life, the garden panicked and slipped off the shelf. It shattered on the floor. The incomprehensible symbols floated out. "Oops," Marinette said. "I'll get you a new Guardian later."

"If you no become new Guardian, then at least deliver this…" Fu produced a letter from under his pillow and gave it to her. "Give to pretty woman on river. She wears Chinese broach… She is woman me love..."

Marinette blinked. "What?"

Tikki stared. "Huh?"

Wayzz floated in with several bags of McDonald's. "I'm back, what did I miss?"

"Fu _loves_ someone?" Marinette whispered.

"Who? Marianne?" Wayzz asked. "Ha! Don't go near that."

"From moment she snapped my capturer's neck," Fu sighed, gazing dreamily at the ceiling. "Me loved her with every fiber of my being. But me was too scared to tell her. Too frightened. Now, me fear me waited too long. Me don't want waste another moment without her."

A sniffle came from Marinette and tears brimmed. "You're right, Fu! I can't put this off any longer! I need to tell Adrien how I feel!"

"Adrien?" Fu said, very confused. "No. Me talk about me and Marianne."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Fu. I'm off to confess to the boy I love!" She left.

"And bring me medicine, yes?" Fu called.

There was no response.

"Me going to die."

* * *

_Later, at the train station:_

Adrien and his Father waited patiently by the train's open door.

"Remember, Adrien," Gabriel said, "don't mention Mrs. Tsurugi's blindness."

"Yes, Father."

A couple of cars away, Kagami approached the men alongside her mom.

"Remember, Kagami," Mrs. Tsurugi said as she thwacked the fiftieth person in the shins with her white cane, "don't mention the Agreste's stupidity."

"Yes, okaa-san."

As they got nearer, Jagged Stone crossed their path, kissing Fang's new passport. "Bloody finally! I'm getting outta this shite and back to Mother England!" Mrs. Tsurugi blindly thwacked the passport out of Jagged's hands and into a nearby paper shredder. "FUCK!"

"Ah, Tsurugi-san, welcome," Gabriel bowed and offered his hand. "Allow me to escort you aboard."

"Oh, I get it," Mrs. Tsurugi snarled, "because I'm blind I need help walking through a door, Gabriel-san? I think I can manage!" She thwacked Gabriel's hand away and turned towards the train with her head held high. She stepped between the train cars and fell flat on the tracks.

As Gabriel called for security to help her, Kagami greeted Adrien in her usual flat monotone. "Greetings, Friend Adrien Agreste, my mating proposal still stands."

"Hello to you too, Kagami," he nervously replied. "Shall we go aboard?"

Kagami entered first. Before Adrien could follow her, he heard a shout.

"Adrien! Wait!"

Marinette accidentally shoved Gabriel down onto the tracks with Mrs. Tsurugi and came to a skidding halt. "I! You! Letter!" she said between pants.

"What?"

"She says she has a letter for you," Kagami translated.

Marinette nodded and shoved the paper into his hands. "Train! Read! You!" she said.

"She says you should read it on the train."

"Only! You! Give! Me!"

"She says she wants something and only you can give it to her. I presume a novelty mug from the Buckingham Palace gift shop."

Marinette eyed Kagami suspiciously. "Why are you helping me?"

"Because you are not a threat," Kagami replied simply.

A guttural hiss escaped Marinette's throat as The Beast bared its fangs at the girl. She covered her mouth and ran out of there before she lost control. When Marinette was clear of the train and any prying eyes, she squealed, "I did it, Tikki! I actually did it!"

"Mmm-hmm, you sure did, Marinette," Tikki said, smiling at the letter still in the girl's purse that was clearly labeled _To Adrien._ "You sure did."

"Now, let's deliver Fu's letter. Spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug and swung away.

_Later, on the train:_

Gabriel kept stealing glances out the window and shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His uneasiness grew and grew until finally... "AAAHHH! I CAN'T LEAVE HER BEHIND!"

Everyone on the train stared at him.

"Uh, I mean, hold on a second, this chair isn't stuffed with imported goose feathers! This is wool!" He leaped to his feet and rubbed his tarnished bazillionaire bottom. "How can public transportation be so uncivilized?! I simply can't travel like this, I'll instead use my mansion's stargate and meet you in England after I make sure my wife's life support is still working—"

"Sit your ass down, Gabriel-san," Mrs. Tsurugi said to the ticket collector and gave the innocent woman a thwack for good measure. "You invited me as your plus-one and we are getting shitfaced tonight. Now sit!"

She thwacked with her cane again, this time actually hitting Gabriel. The man obeyed. His legs kept fidgeting with worry over Emilie left all by her lonesome… with Duusu.

_With Emilie:_

Duusu hummed to itself as it added a few more scratches to the cathedral walls. Nathalie entered.

"What are you doing? Something sinister and nefarious?" she asked.

"Nothing like that, Nat. I'm just re-arranging the room with signs of intense struggle so that when Gabe gets back he'll think that Emy woke up while he was gone but was still trapped down here and spent the whole weekend clawing for escape and begging her Gabby-poo to free her before she exhausted herself and slipped back into her coma. He'll totally freak out. You want in?"

With a demented grin, it offered her a can of fake blood. Maintaining her business professional straight face, Nathalie took the can. "Hell yes."

* * *

_Meanwhile on the bank of the Seine River:_

Marianne, now grey and old, arrived at the bench where Mr. Ramier was feeding his pigeons. "Ah, young Xavier, still keeping watch over the messenger pigeons?" she asked as she sat next to her former French Resistance comrade.

"Someone has to, Marianne. RRROOOOO! Who knows when the Nazis will return."

Marianne gazed over the water peacefully and sighed. "Today is the day. I can feel it in my bones. I'd find Fu myself and tell him but… I was never the brave one."

"Brave?" Mr. Ramier stroked a pigeon thoughtfully at her. "Marianne, you stayed behind and sabotaged over fifty Nazi operations. You assassinated four generals. I once watched you skin a man alive for a whole night and then floss his teeth with his own entrails!"

"Like a coward, Xavier!" Marianne admitted shamefully. "While Fu bravely sailed across the English Channel where no Nazi followed. Never once did he ever show his face or write to me." She smiled. "He truly is the bravest man I've ever known."

"Wow," Ladybug said, landing at Marianne's side. "I've heard of love blinding people, but fuck! Here you go, crazy lady." She pulled the letter out of her yo-yo, gave it to Marianne, and swung away.

"Was that a communist spy?" Marianne whispered to Mr. Ramier.

"RRRROOOOOOO!"

_Later, at the pharmacy:_

Ladybug finished her lunch and skipped into the store. She handed the prescription to the pharmacist, feeling like she was on top of the world. She had successfully confessed her love to Adrien and helped ignite a twilight-years romance. Nothing could bring her down.

The pharmacist took her hand.

Ladybug looked at their intertwined fingers, then at the woman who was over twice her age. She was making a dopey face of infatuation that made Ladybug's skin crawl.

"Uh," she started to say.

"Oh, Ladybug, I had no idea you felt that way about me."

"Uh?"

"I mean, I'm a married woman with kids and you're over 5,000-years-old and evidently have serious doubts about your own bravery but... I do like short girls. I think we can make this work."

Ladybug calmly took the prescription back and saw it was actually Fu's love letter to Marianne. A quick read revealed it was filled with apologies for running away and claims that they were not a hero. The heroine just as calmly left the store, throwing away the phone number the smitten pharmacist had slipped her.

_Back at the Seine:_

Marianne opened the letter.

"'Dearest you,'" she read. "'When you love someone you must never hold back from telling them when you have the chance because one day you might realize that it's... _too late_?'" Her lovestruck tone became distraught. "'And all your hopes and dreams are _ruined with no way to go back in time and do it over_?' Oh my Astruc. He doesn't love me anymore," she whispered hollowly. The letter slipped from her hands.

Mr. Ramier and every single one of his pigeons stared at her. "What are you talking about? RRROOOOO! That has to be the most romantic love letter I've ever heard."

"Are you deaf?!" Marianne burst into tears and ran off. "He doesn't love me anymore! I've wasted my life pursuing a man! For fuck's sake, I'm 91-years-old and I'm still a virgin!"

"I would help with that last part, but you're not a bird, so…" Mr. Ramier called after her, but she was gone.

_ Back on the train: _

From under Gabriel's ascot came a bright pulse of purple light. It filled the entire train car. He quickly covered his throat and said to Mrs. Tsurugi, "You didn't see anything!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny," the blind woman drawled back.

He got up as another pulse of purple shined through his fingers and brightened the entire train car.

"Father," Adrien asked, "what was that?"

"Just, uh, just my BlueTooth device! Have to take this call! Hello, business? Yes, business is very business." Gabriel stormed towards the back of the car where a conductor was making the final departure announcement. "Wait!" Gabriel whispered to them. "Don't go yet. I need to take care of something in the bathroom before we leave Paris. If I don't, the throbbing won't go away!"

The conductor sighed. "Sir, are you saying that you need to jerk off?"

With no time to explain, Gabriel tossed a stack of euros at the conductor and locked himself in a bathroom. The conductor begrudgingly pocketed the bribe and made the delay announcement over the intercom. They didn't hear the muffled shout about "Dark Wings" nor see the blinding light erupting from the edges of the bathroom door.

Inside the bathroom, Hawkmoth popped open the head of his majestic cane and let out his travel butterfly. "Okay, just a quickie and then we're done," he said as he filled the butterfly with darkness. "Fly away, my little Akuma, and evilize her! Muahahahahahah!"

The insect obediently fluttered for its target but bumped into the door.

Hawkmoth cracked it open slightly and let them out.

Across the city, the dark messenger flew until it found Marianne sulking up the stairs. It shattered on her Chinese broach. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Hey there," Hawkmoth said. "Sorry for butting into your personal life but once Nooroo catches the scent it doesn't let up. I don't expect anything grand or revealing from you and I have a wedding to attend. So just have fun, let loose, and tear up the town for five minutes and I'll de-evilize you myself. Cool?"

"Yes!" Marianne growled. "Finally, a second chance to get back at Master Fu, the Guardian of the Miraculous Box!"

Hawkmoth stared.

On the train, everyone jumped out of their seats when they heard the shout from the bathroom. "JACKPOT! YEAH, BABY! I JUST WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY!"

Marianne was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into porcelain-faced Backwarder, the Warrior of Time!

"RRRROOO! I'm no expert when it comes to non-bird mating rituals," Mr. Ramier said, inspecting the abandoned love letter, "but I'm pretty sure this letter says he loves you—"

Backwarder jabbed him with her giant sword shaped like a clock hand and Mr. Ramier started walking backwards and speaking in reverse.

"What good fortune! Of all the people to akumatize!" Hawkmoth cackled. "Tell me, Backwarder, tell me where is this Master Fu?"

"I haven't the faintest clue," Backwarder replied as she reversed random pedestrians and traffic.

"...Aren't you his girlfriend or something?"

"I like to think so." Backwarder blushed as she reversed a ferris wheel.

"Then how the hell do you not know where he lives?!"

"Oh, you know," she said as she reversed an airplane and a few clouds. "Fu is hiding from you and all the fighting and danger like a true brave hero."

Hawkmoth blinked. "Lady, you have a weird definition of brave."

_In the train:_

"Friend Adrien, what is the proper amount of pregaming for a Royal Wedding?" Kagami asked as she uncorked the Royal Pregame Wine.

Before Adrien could answer, his phone rumbled with a news alert about Backwarder. He excused himself and ran to the bathroom. The first one was locked.

"Ocupado," called his Father.

The next was also locked.

"Don't come in!" roared a mid-transformed werewolf as they stabbed a silver crucifix into their chest.

So was the third.

"Just a minute," sang a jewel thief as they swallowed the diamonds they'd stolen.

Thankfully, the fourth bathroom was open. Adrien ducked in and, in a blast of black, transformed into Chat Noir. He dashed off the train.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug swung as fast as she could back towards the Seine. "This isn't so bad," she assured herself. "I just gave that old lady _my_ letter. It's still the same basic message of love as Fu's. I'm sure this worked out just fine."

She landed on a rooftop and saw the backwards devastation. On top of the ferris wheel, Backwarder cried out, "Fu! Your despicable letter broke my heart! Now, I'm gonna break something of yours!"

"BULLCRAP!" Ladybug screamed.

The heroine charged full speed at the villain! Chat Noir landed in her path.

"M'Lady, okay you are?" he asked, mockingly walking backwards like the rest of Backwarder's victims. "Are you ok—" She shoved past him and lassoed Backwarder's arm before she could reverse another person.

"HEY, CLAYFACE!" she seethed. "What the hell was wrong with that letter, huh? I know what it said and it was beautiful!"

Backwarder sneered. "Oh, I'll tell you, Ladybug. Right after you lead me to Fu." With a quick flick of her wrist, Backwarder tapped her clock hand against the yo-yo string.

Ladybug went pale. "Oh fuck."

Chat Noir went pale. "Oh fuck."

Hawkmoth whooped. "OH FUCK!"

Ladybug's cheeks regained color. "Kcuf hO. Lufituaeb saw ti dna dias ti tahw wonk I. Huh, rettel taht htiw gnorw saw lleh eht tahW?" she seethed. "ECAFYALC, YEH!" Her yo-yo unwound itself from Backwarder's arm and retracted back to Ladybug.

Then she started charging backwards back where she came from.

"Bugaboo, wait, stop!" Chat Noir cried. He tried to grab her but she bulldozed right over him.

Ladybug jumped backwards to a rooftop and screamed, "PRACLLUB!"

Backwarder raced past him and chased after Ladybug. Chat Noir shook off the dizziness and quickly followed.

"Oh no, oh no!" he panted. "I have to defeat the Akuma on my own before M'Lady leads her to Fu!"

_At the pharmacy:_

Ladybug calmly walked backwards into the store and took the pharmacist's hand. The woman blushed.

"Oh Ladybug, you flirt!"

While this tragic misunderstanding went down, Backwarder and Chat Noir arrived outside.

"Stay out of this, Chat Noir," Backwarder ordered, taking swipes at him. "I don't need you to find Fu."

Chat Noir dodged and weaved the best he could while piling bus benches, lamp posts, and billboards in front of the pharmacy door.

"Not happening," he said. "As long as I can fight, LB isn't going anywhere."

The dam exploded into shrapnel as Ladybug walked backwards out of the pharmacy with a fresh kiss mark on her cheek. The pharmacist lovingly waved goodbye while blowing more kisses. Then the heroine stood in place and started to regurgitate her lunch into her hands, one bite at a time.

"Wow," Chat Noir muttered. "M'Lady really is unstoppable."

He chucked his staff at Backwarder, aiming for the Chinese ideogram on her chest. The villain blocked it with her clock hand and the staff reversed back into Chat Noir's arms. Then the staff kept moving, dragged by some unseen hand along the path where he came from. Chat Noir had no choice but to release the weapon and watch it fly away back towards the Seine.

Meanwhile, Ladybug gave a slightly chewed croissant to a very disgusted baker before singing, "Esaelp, tnassiorc enO." Then she did a backwards twirl of joy and crouched as if she had just landed from a high fall.

"Bugaboo! Wait!" Chat Noir scrambled over and barely managed to grab onto her before she launched herself into the air. He clung for dear life as they rocketed across the rooftops. "LB, I don't know if you can hear me, but stay calm. I'll save you."

"Si neidrA ohw yltcaxe wonk I tsael ta tub neidrA tuoba yzarc eb yam I, curstA," she said, not even glancing at him.

They landed on the bank of the Seine. As soon as Chat Noir felt solid ground under his feet, he hefted Ladybug into the air. Her legs kept pumping as if she was walking on nothing. Backwarder landed behind them.

"I said don't interfere!" The villain raised her clock hand!

Chat Noir spun around and assaulted the Akuma with Ladybug's endless kicks.

"Ow! You little—" A powerful polka-dotted foot kicked Backwarder in the jaw, knocking her off her feet and the clock hand into the air.

With cat-like reflexes, Chat Noir caught the clock hand and pressed it against Ladybug. She stopped kicking.

"I'm back?" Ladybug gasped. She patted her body, at last having self-control again. "I'm back! Chat Noir, you actually saved me!"

"Bugaboo!" Chat Noir cried tears of pride and joy. He extended his arms for a hug.

And stopped.

Both Ladybug and Chat Noir glanced down at the clock hand that Chat Noir had just accidentally poked her with again.

"YOU IDIOT!" she screamed. "TOIDI UOY!" she screamed and resumed running backwards.

"M'Lady!"

Backwarder snatched the clock hand and kicked Chat Noir away.

By the time he recovered, Ladybug was running backwards down the street and leaped up to the roofs again. Chat Noir chased but without his staff, he quickly fell behind. He thought he had lost Ladybug until he happened to catch a glimpse of red slipping into the train station.

_Later, in the train station:_

"LB!" Chat Noir shouted on the platform. "Where are you?"

A ferocious hiss followed by, "Em gnipleh uoy era yhW?" caught his attention.

He saw his Number One Fan by the train, panting in reverse.

"Oh no! Princess, she got you too? Don't worry, my Number One Fan, I'll defeat this Akuma and free you." He struck a heroic pose to put her at ease.

"Em! EviG! UoY! YlnO!"

"I have everything under control," he assured her with a flex.

"OuY! DaeR! NiarT!"

"It's not like Ladybug has been reversed as well and I've continuously screwed up every chance I've had of rescuing her," he claimed, not sounding so sure himself.

"Rettel! OuY! I!"

"I'm totally not freaking out," he said. He was freaking out.

"TiaW! NeirdA!"

So busy was he at posing that he didn't see Marinette run backwards around a corner and, in a flash of red, transform into Ladybug. He caught a speck of red in the corner of his eye and managed to grab onto her before leaped away again.

"Something tells me we're getting really close to Fu's place," Chat Noir said as they soared. "This is my last chance." Firming his resolve, Chat Noir waited until they started to fall back to the city. He predicted which roof they were going to land on and raised his hand. "Cataclysm!"

The building collapsed at his touch and they tumbled to the street. Chat Noir grabbed Ladybug and tied her to a lamp post with her yo-yo high enough so her endlessly running feet didn't touch the ground.

"Enough!" Backwarder roared from behind. She struck at Chat Noir but he grabbed her wrists. They wrestled to overpower the other for the weapon. "You've gotten in the way for too long, young man. It's time you gave up."

"No… I… WON'T!" Chat Noir shouted and forced the clock hand down.

It tapped the ground.

"Uh oh," said Backwarder.

"Uh oh?" asked Chat Noir.

"Uh oh," agreed the planet Earth. "Ho hu," agreed the planet Earth and started to rotate backwards.

Ladybug blinked and stopped walking on nothing. She watched as time played in reverse. The sun slowly rolled towards the eastern horizon. Water fountains siphoned liquid into their spouts. An ice cream scoop rose out of a gutter and into the cone of a blubbering child who was snorting snot up their nose. Chat Noir and Backwarder wrestled for the clock hand before charging backwards away from each other. Then Chat Noir untied her and fell up a building that rapidly reconstructed itself from ashes.

"Well, this is fucked up," she concluded.

"RRRROOOOOO!" nearby Mr. Ramier concurred as he watched his pigeons flap their wings the wrong way.

Ladybug lassoed Backwarder before she leaped backwards out of there and slammed the villain chest-first into the pavement. The black butterfly fluttered out. She de-evilized the insect and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

Everyone who had been reversed was freed.

The outside of the pharmacy was put back together.

The Earth's proper rotation was restored.

_Back on the train:_

"Yes, YES!" Hawkmoth cackled. "I may have lost the battle, but I now know the identity of the one who guards the rest of the Miraculous." He pulled out his butterfly-themed phone and googled the name Fu. He got 585,903 results in Paris alone. He cleared his throat. "Stay positive, Gabriel! You have a name and that's a start. Soon you'll find this Fu, get him to translate the Miraculous Book and you'll be able to put this whole crazy turning to the dark side to save the one you love behind you." He bellowed a deep and evil laugh as he detransformed and stepped out of the bathroom, "MUAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

"Hello, Father," Adrien said, stepping out of his bathroom. "You sound happy."

"Yes, well, let's just say I _got what I wanted_ in there. Hahahaha!"

"Yes," agreed the wolfman with a silver cross in his chest from the second bathroom. "Let's just say I _tamed the beast_. Hahahaha!"

"Yes," agreed the jewel thief from the third bathroom. "Let's just say everything _went down smoothly_. Hahahaha!"

"Yes," agreed Adrien. "I used the bathroom as well. Hahahaha!"

The men laughed along with each other. None of them got the joke.

"Oh Astruc," the train conductor groaned in disgust and then said on the radio, "We need cleanup in car-twelve. Yeah, just bleach on every inch of every bathroom."

At long last, the doors closed and the train departed.

* * *

_Later, at the Seine River:_

Marianne sat closely next to Fu who had an oxygen tank strapped to his face.

"Me sorry me waited this long," Fu wheezed.

"It's alright, Fu," Marianne replied softly. "You had to protect the Miraculous. It was your duty as a hero—"

"Me no hero." Fu solemnly took her hand. "Me never understood how or why you always believe me fearless when me clearly afraid. Me always run, Marianne, me always make mistakes. Only time me brave was when me was with you."

Marianne only smiled. "Fu, you're not strong, you're not clever, and you're definitely not lucky. You would've been an idiot not to run. But a coward would've left the Miraculous Box behind a long time ago. You've carried the most dangerous weapons in the world on your back so they wouldn't fall into the wrong hands for nearly your entire life. I could never do that. You are the bravest man I have ever met."

Mr. Ramier, who watched from a respective distance, sniffled and tried to hold back his tears. Marinette also watched but with more cynicism. "Yeah, no, I don't think that counts as bravery," she said. "Also, I just realized something. Marianne is, like, 90 and Fu is 186. Isn't this still cradle robbing?"

"Now," Marianne continued, "it's my turn to be brave, Fu. Hawkmoth knows we're connected. If I don't go into hiding, he'll use me to find you and the Miraculous."

"No, no, is okay," Fu assured. "Me make new Guardian, see?" He held out a freshly inducted Guardian flower pot. It slipped from his finger and shattered. "Oops. Me make new Guardian again."

"We can't be together until Hawkmoth is defeated," Marianne said kindly. "Do you trust the ones you've chosen to succeed?"

"Um..."

Fu suddenly remembered every time Chat Noir was captured and/or brainwashed by Hawkmoth's minions, every time Ladybug wasted her Lucky Charm and resorted to violence, every time Chat Noir died and Ladybug did nothing to save him, every time Ladybug got fed up with fighting and roped another innocent child into this neverending war, every time they won a battle by sheer dumb luck. Fu cleared his throat.

"Yes...?"

"Good." Marianne grabbed Fu tightly and stretched her wrinkly mouth into a lecherous grin. "Come on, you old bowl of egg drop soup, let's do it."

Fu glanced around. "Here? Now?"

"Don't worry." She tore off his oxygen mask and ripped open her blouse. "I'm on the pill." Marianne tackled Fu in a passionate embrace that quickly became a tangled pile of arthritis.

Marinette shielded her eyes and ran away screaming "Oh Astruc!" over and over.

Mr. Ramier, nodding in approval and wiping a happy tear from his face, stayed behind and watched the whole thing.

* * *

_Monday, at school:_

Marinette was surrounded by the Adrinette Task Force. Each and every one watched her eagerly.

"Did you do tell him?" Rose asked. "Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did—"

Juleka patted the top of Rose's head and she stopped.

"Sort of..." Marinette said. "I wrote him a letter."

"Signed?" Alya asked knowingly.

"Yes, I signed it."

This earned Marinette cheers and rounds of congrats.

"You finally made the first move," Alix said. "Now the ball is in his court."

"OOH! I wonder what he'll do!" Rose squealed. "Maybe he'll write you back or maybe he'll buy you dinner or maybe he'll—"

"Hey, Marinette," Adrien called from across the school. "I got those constipation pills you wanted."

It was as if a stage light had been pointed at Marinette as the entire school population stared at her. Adrien obliviously gave her the medicine bag. "I'm not sure why you needed me to get these for you, I'm pretty sure they're available in any pharmacy here in Paris, but it was a fun 20-minute distraction. The rest of the weekend was round-the-clock partying that kinda ended in a blur and me and Kagami at some point getting these weird matching tattoos." He pulled up the back of his shirt, revealing a tramp stamp. It was a heart with the word _ADRIGAMI _inside it. "No clue what 'Adrigami' means. I think it was supposed to say 'Origami' but, you know, drunk. I also woke up half-naked in the Queen's bed sandwiched between Her Majesty and Kagami for some reason. No idea how that happened either. Well, see you in class." He went inside.

Marinette's wrench wound pulsed.

"Oh fuck," Alya said. "We forgot about stopping him from sleeping with Kagami."

* * *

_With Emilie:_

"Emi-poo, I'm back! Sorry I wasn't here to tuck you in all weekend long, but I had to attend—" Gabriel gasped as he entered the cathedral. The walls were desecrated, ripped and torn with clear signs of desperation. Caked over Emilie's glass coffin, written in what could only be blood was a haunting message.

_'WHY WEREN'T YOU HERE? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!'_

"Oh my Astruc..." he whispered in horror. Then a wide grin broke out on his face. "Nathalie, did you do this?"

Nathalie came out chuckling from behind the coffin. "You got me, sir."

"Haha, classic. It's good to be home." Gabriel sighed happily and started cleaning the mess up.

Duusu appeared at Nathalie's side, thoroughly confused. "Uh… a lot less tears than I expected."

"That's because I pull this prank on him all the time," Nathalie answered smugly. "Looks like your joke fell flat." She gave the Kwami a mocking smile and proceeded to help Gabriel with the cleaning.

Nooroo joined Duusu in watching the humans with equal parts shock and fascination. "Yeah," Nooroo said. "Those two can be weird."

Something dark crept over Duusu's face. Its perpetual grin twitched into something ugly and vile. "That's not funny," it declared in a low growl. "Guess it's time to step up my game."

END

_What happened in England? Matching tattoos? How did Kagami, Adrien, and the Queen end up in the same bed? Find out in Ikari Gozen!_


	22. 19 Obviously Oblivious Oafs

_THIS EPISODE IS ALSO KNOWN AS "THE REVEAL: PART 1"_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_WOW, THIS ISN'T A JOKE. YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING THIS, AREN'T YOU?_

_{No one believed a frog could be an astronaut... but that didn't matter... the frog was going to prove them wrong...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 19: Obviously Oblivious Oafs  
_By: I Write Big

When it comes to love, people like to think that there's this thing called destiny. They like to think that there's some invisible hand or natural way of the Universe guiding and pushing things into place so, no matter what, two souls who are _destined_ for each other fall in love.

Well, the Universe got the hell out of here over 20 chapters ago, so...

How about we believe in the fundamental goodness of mankind instead?

Oh fuck, this is not going to end well.

The girl awoke not in a bed but on an elevator. Her head was spinning and her body was sore. Despite the dizziness, her mind managed to gather basic facts. There was a polka-dotted tube of lipstick in her hand, there was a doodle on the wall of a smartphone pointing at a turtle, and, for some crazy reason, she was clad in red polka-dotted spandex.

"GAAAH! WHY AM I NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR?!" she cried, covering the more intimate parts of her skin-tight onesie.

"Somebody say something about a naked girl?" asked another voice. The girl spun around and saw a boy slumped in the corner. He was dressed, strangely enough, like a black cat. "What? Huh? Hold on, why am I wearing so much leather? Is this a tail?"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" the girl screeched.

"I-I, uh..." The boy scratched his weird pointy cat ears with a lost look. "I don't know. Who are you?"

The girl at first didn't believe him, but then suddenly realized she was also drawing a blank on her own name. "I don't know who I am either," she said. "What's going on? Who are we?"

"Well, based on our costumes, we're either cosplayers, furries, or we're into some really kinky interspecies roleplaying sex. I'm hoping it's the last one."

At this moment, both the boy's ring and the girl's earrings started to beep. Both teens had the same thought at the same time.

"BOMB!"

They frantically tried to tear off their jewelry. Before they could, both of their costumes vanished in a flourish of red and a blast of black, leaving them in what appeared to be casual clothes.

"Underwear! Finally!" the girl cheered, hugging her thighs.

"Look!" The boy pointed at the light from their costumes. The glittery substance gathered in the air and morphed into these bulbous rat-bug creatures. The things groggily rose, rubbing their bellies.

"So hungry," they moaned.

"GAH!" the girl screamed. "THEY TALK! AND THEY'RE GOING TO EAT US!"

"AAAH!" the boy screamed and kicked at the monsters. They phased right through his foot as if they were… "GHOSTS!"

The elevator lurched and shuddered. Something heavy had landed on the roof and was now punching dents into the metal over their heads.

"VELOCIRAPTOR!" the boy screamed. The teens scrambled to the elevator doors and tried to pry them open, but they wouldn't budge.

The ghosts curiously watched the chaos unfold. "Should we help them?" asked the red ghost.

"Depends," the black ghost replied. "As a ghost, can I eat a velociraptor?"

"I don't remember what a velociraptor is and I feel like we shouldn't stay to find out."

The ghosts floated over to the button wall and phased into it. A few short circuits later, the doors opened. The teens tumbled out seconds before the elevator roof crashed open. A thick cloud of dust and debris filled the elevator, blocking anyone from seeing whatever creature had just fallen in.

"EAT HIM, NOT ME!" The girl grabbed the boy and lifted him over her head. _Ding!_ The elevator doors shut, saving them from their pursuer.

"Were you just about to throw me at the raptor so you could escape?" the boy asked.

"No..." The girl put the boy down and dusted him off, hiding her guilty smile. She quickly ran for a door. "Race you to the exit!"

Down the emergency staircase they ran, the ghosts close behind, until they reached the ground floor. But they were shocked to find the lobby of whatever building this was was in utter ruin. Mountains of shrapnel and steel rebar cluttered the doors, there was no way out.

"WE'RE TRAPPED! GAAH!" the girl screamed. "HELP! ANYBODY! HEEEEELP!"

"Wow, you're kind of a coward," the boy remarked, not sounding the least bit worried.

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM?! A RAPTOR IS HUNTING US!"

"Well, we don't actually know it's a raptor. I just sort of said that. For all we know it could be a tiger."

"AND THAT'S BETTER?!"

_WHAM!_

The elevator doors behind them bulged. Something was trying to get out. Something strong. _Tiger strong_.

"THE TIGER-RAPTOR FOUND US!" the girl screamed. She bolted into the girl's bathroom and locked the door behind her.

"Hey! Let me in!" she heard the boy say.

"No! Do what boys do best in horror movies and sacrifice yourself so that the girl can live!"

The red ghost phased through the door with an annoyed look and unlocked the door. The boy slipped inside. He was not amused.

"Uh, hooray, way to break gender biases?" the girl offered.

"Enough with your drama!" the black ghost bellowed. He eyed the boy with hunger. "My belly is empty and you smell tasty, human." With a ferocious snarl, the black ghost tackled the boy and burrowed under his shirt. The boy flailed and yelled but he couldn't stop the voracious specter.

"GAAAH!" the girl shrieked. The red ghost floated towards her, drool spilling out of her impossibly wide mouth.

"So hungry..." the thing moaned.

Then the black ghost popped out of the boy. In his phantasmal teeth was a wedge of cheese! "False alarm," the ghost said. "I wasn't craving human flesh, just the food in his pocket."

"Are you sure?" the red ghost asked, the girl already halfway down her gullet.

"Totally. This cheese stuff kicks ass."

The red ghost spat out the girl and asked, "What food you got?"

Traumatized and now knowing what the inside of a stomach looked like, the girl searched her pockets and her purse until she found a polka-dotted macaron. The ghost inhaled it.

"Mmm," she said. "Oh yeah, way better than human flesh. No bones that get stuck in my teeth or gushy blood that makes me feel bloated."

As the horrific spirits feasted, the dripping girl huddled against the petrified boy and whimpered, "I'm sorry I tried to leave you behind to die. We don't leave each other's sides again. Deal?"

"Deal," he whimpered back.

And as the two held each other in fear, the girl thought of something. "Wait! Our pockets. We can figure out who we are from our belongings." She combed her purse again. "Let's see, lip gloss, a lot of macarons, is this a _mustache_? Am I a crossdresser?"

The boy considered her looks for a moment, then shrugged. "I think you could pass for a boy."

"Thank you...?" She raised an eyebrow at him for a second, then resumed digging. "Aha! My ID! My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng," she read.

Excited, the boy searched his pockets and found his ID too. "Adrien Agreste. Why is my ID made of solid gold and why does it say 'organ _receiver_?' Shouldn't it say donor?"

"PHONE!" Marinette exclaimed, pulling out her smartphone. "I can call Animal Control and maybe the Ghostbusters!" Before she could dial, there was a crash out in the hall. "Oh no, the tiger-raptor," Marinette whispered.

They all ducked into a stall and climbed onto the toilet just before the bathroom door burst open. Whatever was stalking them crept closer, its breath ragged and inhuman. The stall on the far end of the room was flung open, then the next and the next and the next, slowly heading down the row towards their hiding spot.

"It's going to find us," Adrien hissed. "We have to get out of here!"

Marinette searched their surroundings, thinking as quickly as she could. Her sights landed on something in particular and a bright idea presented itself.

The _tiger-raptor_ arrived at their stall and bashed the door open. The first thing it saw was the open ventilation shaft. The second thing it saw was the stall's tampon dispenser cracked open like an egg. Its contents were stuff inside the toilet which quivered with mounting water pressure.

"Uh oh," the tiger-raptor said.

_In the ventilation shaft:_

Adrien and Marinette crawled away frantically with the ghosts in tow. Behind them, they heard a wet explosion followed by a disgusted, "NOOOO!"

"You hear that?" Adrien asked. "The tiger-raptor can speak. It's _learning!_"

"Clever girl. We need to find dinosaur-repellent or a gun or something," Marinette replied.

They reached another ventilation cover which Adrien removed. They were in another stairwell. Quiet as mice, they climbed out of the shaft. At least, they were quiet as mice until Marinette's toe caught on something and she belly-flopped onto Adrien. The boy quickly recovered.

"Ow. Are you okay, Marinette?"

She didn't respond. She only kept laying on top of his abs, which Adrien just now noticed were exceptionally chiseled.

"Marinette?"

He lifted her and looked into the eyes of a corpse!

"AAAAH! She's dead! How?!"

"Fright," the red ghost suggested. "The sheer terror of the situation must've stopped her pathetic human heart. Or maybe my saliva is toxic, I don't know, I'm not a doctor."

"Give her CPR, human!" the black ghost said.

What little of Adrien's memory there was still held the medical basics. He flipped Marinette over and began administering chest compressions. "Come on, Marinette, don't give up on me!" He leaned down and blew into her mouth. As soon as his lips touched hers, she instantly came back to life. Unfortunately, her resurrection wasn't quick enough for Adrien to notice. He gave her another breath and killed her.

This cycle went on for a bit.

"She's not breathing!" Adrien wailed after killing Marinette for the eighteenth time.

"Hold on," said the red ghost. "I got an idea." She floated to Marinette's body and, to everyone's surprise, melted into her skin. A few seconds later Marinette's eyes shot open and she gasped back to life. The red ghost popped out.

"Marinette, you're alive!" Adrien cheered. "How did you do that, ghost?"

"Eh, I figured since we're ghosts I could possess her and force her heart to start," the ghost said with a shrug. "And if it didn't work, then I'd have my own meat puppet to haunt you with. Win-win."

"STOP TOUCHING ME!" Marinette shrieked and scrambled away from Adrien.

"Marinette, what's—"

"Stay back! I don't know what the hell is going on, but every time you touched me I died!"

Adrien gasped. "You did?"

"From now on, a six-foot distance at all times, Grim Reaper!"

Finding a mop nearby, Marinette kept the wooden pole pointed at Adrien like a sword as they made their way upstairs to a random floor filled with cubicles. They checked their phones, but they were locked.

"Great," Adrien groaned. "What do we do now?"

"Wait a minute… " Another bright idea presented itself to Marinette. She breathed heavily on her phone. The foggy outline of the secret unlocking pattern appeared on the screen.

"Whoa!" Adrien said. "You're so clever, Marinette. Who should we call for help?"

"I guess… our parents?"

Adrien unlocked his phone and swiped down his contacts until he saw the name 'Agreste' next to the face of a vampire. "This must be my dad!" He dialed, but it went straight to voicemail.

"Hi there," said a pre-recorded chuckling voice. "Gabe can't come to the phone right now because I stole it and hid the device somewhere in this giant mansion. If you want your phone back, Gabe, you'll have to follow a series of increasingly complicated riddles. First, what's black and blue and _bleeding out_ under Toothless' water bowl? HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! Leave a message after the beep."

_Beep._

"He's not picking up," Adrien murmured.

Marinette swiped down her contacts until she found a woman named 'Sabine Cheng.' She dialed.

"Marinette? Are you okay?" the distraught woman who picked up said.

"Yes, lady who may or may not be my mother, I am fine," she replied.

"Thank goodness. The news said Ladybug and Chat Noir were battling at Montparnasse Tower where you and your class were taking your field trip today, but they vanished a while ago and nobody knows where they went. Do you need us to come over there and fix things?"

"Ladybug and Chat Noir? Battling?" Marinette muttered. "Wait, did you say 'fix things?'"

"Of course, sweetie, your dad and I may be retired but we still know how to be supervillains. We can handle a little scrappy fight."

"MY PARENTS ARE SUPERVILLAINS?!"

Adrien's voice cut in. "Uh, that sounds interesting, but, Marinette, you might want to see this."

Marinette turned and saw he was pointing at something on the wall. The sight of it made her jaw drop.

"Of course we're supervillains, honey," Sabine prattled on. "Don't you remember? We had that emotional heart to heart and you said you had your own big secret that you weren't quite ready to tell us an—"

"I'll call you back." Marinette hanged up. What Adrien had found was a giant movie poster advertising an upcoming animated film about Ladybug and Chat Noir. The characters were dressed in the same exact weird costumes they had been wearing on the elevator. They stood with their backs pressed against each other like they were ready to fight. Marinette had a pretty good idea what was that _big secret_ she wasn't ready to tell her parents.

"I'm a superhero?" Adrien whispered in awe.

"And I'm a super_villain!_" Marinette gasped. "That must mean I'm your..."

"Sworn enemy!"

"That must be what my mom meant about us battling. It makes perfect sense. Why else would I have thousands of photos of you on my phone? I'm clearly stalking you, looking for my opportunity to strike."

"It makes total sense," Adrien agreed. "You're a coward who puts other people's lives at risk to save your own, you come up with slippery escape plans on the fly, you know sneaky techniques for breaking into other people's phones, and you're the daughter of _two_ supervillains. You must be a bad guy. And all these photos I have of you on my phone in your villain costume must be study material for me to find your weakness. I must've hidden the images in the folder labeled PORN to throw off the scent in case you ever hacked in with your dastardly ways."

"And that's why your touch kills me! We must be cosmic opposites or something, like light and dark!"

The teens glared daggers at each other. They took battle-ready positions. Marinette armed herself with a pair of staplers. Adrien raised a computer like a shield.

"Humans, we figured it out!" the red ghost said as both phantoms flew between them.

"So did we," Marinette seethed.

"She's obviously my nemesis who fights for her own dark selfish gain," Adrien sneered back. "And I'm the force of justice standing in her way."

"Oh," said the red ghost. "Really? We could've sworn you guys loved each other and were both heroes called Ladybug and Chat Noir and you work together to defend Paris from the evil Akumas of Hawkmoth and that we're actually not ghosts but the metaphysical concepts of Creation and Destruction made incarnate who bestow your superpowers upon you."

"Not even close," Marinette said and jabbed a stapler at the red ghost, "You are clearly my ladybug-themed henchman."

"And whatever is chasing us is probably your latest evil plan gone wrong, Ladybug," Adrien added.

"No doubt because of _you_ and your meddling, Chat Noir!" she j'accused. "Whatever my diabolical plan was, you won't stop me. Henchman, destroy!"

"Ladybug!" the red ghost shouted like it was her pokémon name and bared her fangs at Adrien.

"Sidekick, defend!" Adrien ordered the black ghost.

The black ghost hesitated, still unconvinced about this entire henchman-sidekick thing. "Okay, can I be frank with you guys?"

"I don't see how changing your name is gonna help," Marinette replied.

"Can I still be Adrien?" asked Adrien.

"Shh," the red ghost shushed, "let Frank speak."

The black ghost groaned and rubbed his head. "Screw you guys," he said. "I'm outta here. I'm going to be my own ghost and torment a cheese shop." And he floated out the window and started spooking every human he came across.

Completely alone, Adrien braced himself for the battle of his life. He hurled the computer at the villains, but the red ghost caught the thing in her gaping maw and swallowed it whole. She dove at Adrien. He dodge-rolled out of the way. Marinette bellowed a mighty war cry and unleashed a volley of staples. Protecting himself from the tiny bullets with his arms, Adrien tackled Marinette and put her in a headlock.

"Give up, villain!" he said.

"Never! Henchman, consume!"

"Ladybug!" the red ghost growled and opened wide to take a bite out of Adrien.

_Ding!_

Everyone glanced at the elevator and the doors slid open.

"Ladybug, Chat Noir, where are you?" a familiar pair of ruthless voices asked from within. Out stepped the tiger-raptor. Only it wasn't a tiger-raptor, it was a purple void shimmering in the shape of a humanoid figure with a freaking Mega Man blaster arm!

Adrien, Marinette, and the red ghost eeped and hid behind a filing cabinet.

"What's the matter? Don't you remember your old pal Oblivio?" the walking space anomaly asked, beginning to scour the cubicles. "Of course they don't, we shot them with our memory-erasing blaster, remember?" Oblivio asked themself. "Yes, we know that! We were trying to be scary! Quit wrecking our flow!" they shouted at themselves. "It's called constructive criticism. Learn to take it."

As Oblivio continued to argue with themself, Marinette whispered to Adrien, "Listen, this is a classic Frankenstein's monster turning on its creator scenario. Even though we clearly despise one another and have a long history of clashes so intense that they're making a movie about our neverending war, we need to set aside our differences and work together to get out of this alive. What do you say?"

Adrien didn't like the idea. He grimaced at the window through which Frank had abandoned him. There really wasn't a choice. "As much as it goes against the hero code, just this once, Ladybug and Chat Noir will team up. What's the plan?"

"Plan? Me?"

"You're the evil mastermind, Marinette. You've got to have something up your sleeve. Just imagine you're running from the police."

Summoning what she assumed was her nefarious thinking power of doom, Marinette scanned the nearest desk and saw a coffee mug… a pad of sticky notes… and a roll of tape. For the third time that day, a bright idea came to her. From the depths of her throat rattled a sinister chuckle. "Hehehehehehe... Give me your phone."

"My Astruc," Adrien shivered. "Your evil laugh is soul chilling."

Meanwhile, Oblivio searched for them, tossing desks and cubicle walls aside. "Come out, come out, wherever you are," they said. "Are we trying to be scary again? Yes! Oh, well, it's not working. SHUT UP! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?!"

Their fight was interrupted by the rumbling of a phone!

"Aha!" Oblivio stormed towards the noise. "You should've remembered to silence your—" Oblivio turned the corner and found no one. There was just a lone sticky note on the floor that had the message '_Look Up_.' Oblivio did. Directly over their head was a filing cabinet, barely held to the ceiling with a mass of sticky notes.

"Oh fuck."

The sticky notes gave and the filing cabinet fell. It phased through Oblivio but crashed through the floor. It kept going, falling through floor after floor, and Oblivio fell with it. After the thing's cries grew distant, Adrien and Marinette poked out of their hiding spot.

"Wow," Adrien said, impressed. "You really are a criminal genius."

"Ladybug!" the red ghost concurred.

Marinette took a proud pose. "Ha! Oblivio won't be back anytime soon. They're no match for my evil brilliance."

As she basked in her victory, Adrien felt a thud in his chest and realized something he'd forgotten about himself. "Oh no," he muttered. "I think smart girls of action are sexy."

Unfortunately, Marinette overheard him and a vile grin spread across her lips.

* * *

_Meanwhile on the streets of Paris:_

The black ghost moaned and groaned like the undead. "OOOoooOOooOOOO! I am a ghost! Fear me, puny humans!" The terrified masses of Parisians fled in terror of him. "I don't know my own name but I do know that I cannot be put to rest unless I have cheese! Cheese! MORE CHEESE! OOGITY-BOOGITY!"

"Ah! There's something strange in the neighborhood!" screamed one person.

"Who are we gonna call?" screamed another.

Suddenly, a white hearse peeled around the corner in hot pursuit of the black ghost. The passenger-side door, which had a cartoony image of a beret-wearing ghost being crossed out, opened and the rider in the chair leaned out. They fired their proton pack at the phantom.

"French Ghostbusters, motherfucker!"

* * *

_Back in the building:_

"No! Stay back, you fiend!" Adrien covered his crotch and shrunk away from Marinette as if the mere sight of her was painful.

"What's the matter, hero?" Marinette snickered as she malevolently jiggled her hips at him. "Are you being seduced by evil?"

"Get away, succubus!"

"Maybe the PORN folder isn't a red herring, after all. Maybe you do like me."

"You'll never turn me to the dark side, Ladybug! No matter how beautiful you are!"

Marinette froze. _Beautiful._ That word left an unexpectedly familiar warmth in her chest. It was like internal bleeding. Except nice. "You think I'm b-b-b—" She couldn't say it. With every attempt, she could've sworn her teeth were becoming bigger and sharper. Adrien saw his opportunity and got in her face.

"That's right, you're _Beautiful_ with a capital B!" he spat. Now it was Marinette who shrunk away as Adrien advanced. "Not only that, but you're _bright_ and _resourceful_. I can't remember anything before an hour ago, but I think it's safe to say I've never met someone so _quick-witted_."

"Stop it," she weakly protested as if his compliments were sapping her of her strength.

"You have to be the _smartest_, most _gorgeous_ girl I've ever met. If you were a good guy, who knows, maybe we'd be a thing."

Not willing to give up, Marinette grabbed Adrien by the collar and shoved him against a wall. "And where's the fun in that?" she barked. "Isn't it more exciting that I'm a villain? Doesn't the _forbidden_ nature of your feelings make me that more tantalizing? Just the thought of me corrupting you, me tearing down the heroic Chat Noir's moral compass gets me hot!"

Adrien grabbed her collar too. "No! I believe in justice! I won't waver! It is you who will fall for me!"

"Like I'd ever fall in love with you! Boy scout!"

"Temptress!"

Glaring into each other's eyes, they both raised their fists!

"Do-Gooder!"

"Do-Badder!"

Both fists cocked back for punches aimed at each other's jaws!

"Blonde!"

"Bluenette!"

The fist flew forward like torpedoes! And missed! The fists sailed past the jaws and instead grabbed the back of their opponent's heads. They pulled each other into a furious kiss.

_Less than three minutes later:_

Adrien and Marinette laid next to each other, naked, sweaty, flushed, and blissfully out of breath on the makeshift bed of desks and office supplies. Both stared in wide-eyed wonder through their tangled hair at the ceiling.

"...Wow..." Marinette said as most do after somebody just rocked their world. "How did mouth-to-mouth kill me but I managed to survive _that_?"

"I don't know," Adrien replied as shellshocked as most boys are after they've experienced the endgame of puberty for the first time. "But, despite being adversaries, I think we might have a _thing_ for each other."

Marinette nodded. "We should double-check."

_Less than three more minutes later:_

"Mmmmm, y'up, we definitely have a thing for each other," Marinette purred, cuddling against Adrien with a satisfied look. "Triple-check?"

"I need a second," Adrien wheezed, exhausted.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Oblivio raged on the roof.

"Where are you, Ladybug and Chat Noir?!" they roared. "We searched every floor from top to bottom. Actually we wouldn't say we searched every room thoroughly. We gave a couple of floors a cursory glance. LET US VENT, DAMMIT! SCREW THIS! WE'RE MAKING THEM COME TO US!"

Oblivio aimed their blaster at the sky and fired a continuous beam. The laser gathered in a ball and began to expand and expand until the mass became wider than any building in the entirety of Paris!

"Ladybug and Chat Noir! Show yourselves or we shall erase the minds of everyone in the city!" Oblivio declared. "Including us?" They asked themself. "No, of course not us! You have 10 seconds to comply!"

"Make that 10 _minutes_," Hawkmoth ordered his Akuma. "I still need to find my phone." He inspected Duusu's second riddle that he got from the printer hidden under Toothless' water bowl. It had been _bleeding_ ink toner. "Let's see… 'I'm covered with keys but the only locks they open are people's hearts. What am I?' The fuck does that mean?"

* * *

_ Downstairs: _

"LADYBUG!" the red ghost sputtered, snapping both nude teens out of their post-triple-check spooning sesh—Adrien had been the little spoon. The specter held up Marinette's phone which had the news app open. On the screen were several clips from around the city of people not knowing how to do their job.

There was a cop standing in the center of a cluttered traffic intersection, clueless on how to clear up this mess.

"HEY!" an angry driver said. "Are you going to do something or not?!"

"Uh…" the cop, completely lost, drew his gun and fired at the car.

There was a British-looking rockstar standing outside a plane, unsure how to get on.

"Last call for the flight to London," called a flight attendant. "Mr. Stone, do you have a ticket or not?"

"What the bloody hell is a ticket?" Mr. Stone asked. The plane left without him.

There was some news lady staring blankly at the camera.

"Nadia, you're on the air!" someone offscreen said.

"No, I'm not. I'm on a chair," Nadia replied.

"Just read out loud the paper in front of you."

"What's paper?"

"UGH! Come on! This is, like, the easiest overpaid job in the world! A child could do this! You know what." Hands pulled Nadia out of frame and dropped a child in her place.

"Hi there!" the kid said. "I'm Manon and it's time to get your news on! Since naptime a stupid meany face called Oblivio has been making people forget important stuff like cutting the crust off those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I like to burn. Ladybug and Chat Noir have been fighting the meany face in the um, uh," she squinted at the paper, "Mont… Mont… Mont-parfait Tower? Let's go to a clip."

The feed switched to a previous recording of Nadia when she still had her memories. She was in a newschopper, commentating over Ladybug and Chat Noir's fight with Oblivio on the building's roof. Ladybug was blocking Oblivio's memory-erasing blasts with what looked like a spinning shield.

"—get it through your thick skull! Now make yourself useful!" Ladybug shouted and then chucked Chat Noir at Oblivio.

"Whoa," Adrien remarked as he zipped up his pants. "You really are evil."

"Yeah," Marinette chuckled proudly as she clipped on her bra.

Adrien's past self landed ungracefully at Oblivio's feet and got a blast to the chest.

"Ugh! You suck!" Ladybug swore. She lassoed Chat Noir and flung him into the roof's elevator. She quickly uncapped something and doodled on the elevator walls before a blast bounced off a wall and hit her too. The sight of her past self's actions brought a faint glimmer of memory back to Marinette.

"The drawing!" she said. "I drew myself a message! A turtle!"

She swiped down her contacts again until she found a number that didn't have a name or a headshot. There was only the picture of a turtle.

"Yes! Criminal mastermind strikes again." She dialed. After a few rings, a man's terrified voice answered on speakerphone.

"H-Hello, Marinette?" His fear pleased the girl.

"Turtle Henchman, I have a task for you," she declared with great authority. "Tell me how to transform into Ladybug."

"Henchman? Me henchman now? How you forget how to—"

**"_(_**_**You dare talk back to your Master?!)**_**"** Marinette howled in what was a very convincing impression of an enraged Dark Lord. Adrien could've sworn her eyes flickered red for a second.

"No! Me good! Me good! Don't hurt me!" the Turtle Henchman pleaded pathetically. "Me tell you. You transform with words, 'Tikki, spots on,' and Tikki turns you into Ladybug."

"Tikki!" Tikki said, delighted with her new pokémon name.

Marinette grinned. She now had the key to her villainous powers again. Victory was hers! She spared a glance at Adrien, still clueless about his abilities. As long as he never figured out how to transform back into Chat Noir, he'd never be able to stop her. Marinette should've been relishing the power she had over him, but instead... she felt bad for him.

She sighed. "And what about Adrien?"

"Adrien?! Wait, you know each other's ident—"

**"_(_** _ **DO NOT QUESTION ME!)** _ **"**

"Yes! Yes! Me sorry! He say, 'Plagg, claws out,' and Plagg turns him into Chat Noir."

"Plagg? That must be the black ghost."

"Yes, yes, listen, you two cannot know each other's ident—" The battery died, cutting the Turtle Henchman off.

"Oh well, I'm sure he had nothing important left to say," Marinette shrugged. "Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red she became Ladybug. "Haha! Yes! I can feel my wicked power returning! The great and terrible Ladybug is back, baby! Cower before my wrath!"

She pointed her yo-yo with every intention of shooting lightning bolts. Instead, the device popped open, revealing a screen.

"Ooh! An FAQ? That's handy. Let's see… 'powers, super agility, super strength, Emergency Way To Quit Being Ladybug As Many Times As Needed?' Why the hell would I ever want to give up my powers? Delete that. What's this? 'One-time special ability: Lucky Charm?'"

At her words, her yo-yo radiated with magical ladybugs and a polka-dotted teapot dropped to the floor.

"I see..." Ladybug cackled, picking up the teapot. "I must've designed this yo-yo to arm myself with the tools I need to win. This teapot will be my ultimate weapon! MUAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAH!"

As she laughed evilly, Adrien regarded her with an uncertain look.

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Every villain laughs like a maniac. It's their thing. Really gets the blood pumping."

"No, why did you figure out how to make me Chat Noir again? You didn't have to help me."

"And what?" Ladybug replied nonchalantly, looking away with her arms folded. "Just beat you when you can't fight back? That's no way to win. I want to defeat you, not bully you."

She felt a hand on her shoulder. Adrien smiled kindly at her. "I think I know why I fell in love with you. You may be a bad guy, Marinette, but you're a good person. I'll help you."

Ladybug smiled warmly back as he armed himself with a ruler. His unfaltering bravery and determination to face this trial by her side made her heart flutter. She took the ruler away. "No, you have to stay here. It's not safe without your powers. And besides… I think I'm figuring out why I fell in love with you too." She held his hand and asked with a lecherous smirk, "You're good for a quick quadruple-check, right?"

"Oh definitely," Adrien said and ripped off his shirt. "Keep the mask on."

* * *

_Meanwhile, at a café:_

One of the French Ghostbusters passed the black ghost a cup of tea and a wedge of cheese.

"So you see, little guy," the Ghostbuster said, "you don't need to haunt anybody. Your spirit may be trapped in the physical plane but, as a ghost, you have abilities that people could only dream of and you should use those abilities to help those in need. And who knows, that one good deed might be your unfinished business that needs doing so you can finally pass on to the other side."

The rest of the French Ghostbusters at the table nodded sagely.

The black ghost sipped his tea and nibbled his cheese, reflecting on the wise words. "Wow, I never thought about it like that. I can't remember who I was when I was alive, but I feel like I was meandering around, pretending I had a big master plan when in actuality I was barely existing without any clue what I was doing with my life."

"Well, now you have a second chance," said French Bill Murray. "What are you going to do with it?"

The black ghost craned his head up at the top of the office building where the gargantuan memory-erasing ball waited. He finished his food and said, "I'm going to save the world."

To the righteous applause of the French Ghostbusters, he took off.

* * *

_On the rooftop:_

Ladybug wandered onto the top floor, her teapot under her arm and her nose in her FAQ.

"There she is, Oblivio!" Hawkmoth said, victoriously shaking Duusu's third riddle which he had found in Adrien's piano. "And a good thing too, because I have no idea what 'a forgotten repository of money and noxious gas' means. These riddles are just getting too complicated. Erase her mind completely and take her Miraculous!"

Oblivio took careful aim and fired!

They missed. By, like, ten feet.

"What the fuck?!" Oblivio said. They unleashed a maelstrom of blasts at Ladybug. Every shot missed.

"Oh my Astruc, I forgot about this bullshit power," Hawkmoth groaned.

"'Ultimate Luck,'" Ladybug read, unaware of the hail of blaster fire around her. "'Passive ability. Things will generally go your way. Almost nobody can shoot you and you can fall from any height without injury.' Huh." She noticed Oblivio and the constantly missing shots for the first time. "Well, that's bullshit."

"Hurry, Oblivio!" Hawkmoth ordered. "Bounce your shots off reflective surfaces. It's the only way to hit Ladybug!"

Oblivio aimed at some glass and fired. The blast bounced and very nearly struck Ladybug. She scrambled away, using her newly discovered super agility to evade with nimble flips and cartwheels.

"Woohoo! This is fun! I feel like I can fly!"

She ran out of rooftop.

"I CAN'T FLY!" she screamed as she plummeted. Desperate, Ladybug flicked her yo-yo and luckily caught a pylon. She swung along many windows of the building. "I got everything under control!" she blabbed as she passed Adrien's floor.

But the boy wasn't convinced. She needed his help. As a hero, he had a duty to protect everyone, including villains. He searched his surroundings for a weapon and his sights landed on a stack of cardboard boxes.

On the roof, Ladybug didn't know how to stop swinging. So, instead of loosening her yo-yo at the apex of her swing and landing on the roof like a badass, she swung past the roof and sailed straight into the air, around the memory ball, past the Pink Devil and Timetagger's hoverboard joust, and went so high that a passing satellite mistook her for a UFO. She fell back down and came to a sudden stop inches from the roof.

"Am I floating on nothing right now?" she asked Oblivio. "How do I get down?"

"Hell if we know," Oblivio replied and aimed at the nearest glass.

Ladybug flailed her arms and legs like a swimmer but she stayed in place, a floating duck. Suddenly, a wad of tape phased through Oblivio and hit Ladybug. At its touch, Ladybug dropped to the ground. Oblivio whirled around and saw Adrien, disguised in cardboard armor.

Hawkmoth gasped! "It's Cardboard Girl! I thought she retired. Disarm her quickly, Oblivio, she has a flamethrower!"

Oblivio blasted _Cardboard Girl_ and easily knocked the cardboard tube sword out of their hands.

"Well, I had no backup plan," Adrien said and ran away.

Before he could get blasted in the back, a yo-yo lassoed around him and pulled the boy behind the safety of some air conditioners. As he and Ladybug recovered, a familiar face appeared.

"Fear not, humans, I have returned," proclaimed the black ghost.

"Plagg?" Adrien gasped.

"Pl-agg..." Plagg sounded out the name. "Yes, that feels right. I am Plagg and I have seen the errors of my ways. Thanks to my new friends, I now know that it's okay if I don't have a plan. I don't need some grand scheme to come together for my life to make sense or have meaning. What matters are the people around me and what I can do to better the lives of the unfortunate. From this day forth, I will not rest, I will not laze about, I will dedicate my afterlife to others—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, Adrien became Chat Noir!

The dynamic duo had little time to celebrate as Oblivio found them and opened fire again. Spinning her yo-yo into an impenetrable shield, Ladybug protected Chat Noir as he read his FAQ.

"Let's see, 'enhanced feline senses, cat-like reflexes, chronic hairballs, _9 lives_?' That's cool. Oh man, I already used them all. Huh, 'How To Switch Miraculouses With Other Wielders Even If One Has Already Quit?' Oddly specific and I have no idea what's a Miraculous. And 'one-time special ability: Cataclysm.'"

"NO!" Ladybug tried to stop him, but it was too late. Ultimate Destruction coursed through his hand and disintegrated his battle staff.

"Whoops."

"UGH! How are _you_ my sworn enemy?!"

"Sorry, Ladybug, you got any more evil plans?"

Ladybug searched their surroundings, digging deep into her villainous mind which had no doubt been used to hold the world hostage with a death ray on more than one occasion. She considered the polka-dotted teapot… Oblivio's blaster… Chat Noir…

Then she got an idea. An evil idea. Ladybug had a wonderful, _evil_ idea.

"Chat Noir," she said, "would you be kind enough to throw yourself at the raptor for me so I can escape?"

Chat Noir blinked. "Are you being serious or are you asking me to distract them in a cutesy callback way?"

"Little of both." She grinned and shoved him out in the open. Eager to strike the easy prey, Oblivio fired at Chat Noir who frantically fled on all fours. No longer their target, Ladybug charged at Oblivio and dove in front of them, pointing the teapot at the monster. Oblivio fired!

"What? Where am I? Who am I?"

Ladybug glanced down at the source of this new snooty high-class voice and saw it came from the teapot.

"I can't remember what I am anymore!" cried the teapot. With every word, the object's lid opened and closed like a mouth.

"Uh..." Ladybug turned to Oblivio. They shrugged back. "You are… a piranha...?" she said.

The teapot stared at her. "Oh, that makes sense. Thank you, young lady." Then the teapot's lid bit at Ladybug like it had rows of fangs.

"Perfect." Ladybug smirked and chucked the piranha-teapot at Oblivio. The ravenous creature latched onto their blaster-arm and chowed down.

"NO! AH! HELP!"

In the crunch of metal, a black butterfly fluttered out. "What the fuck…?" Ladybug muttered. She grabbed the insect and consulted her FAQ. "Oh, here we go, 'Purifying Akumas and Casting Miraculous Ladybug.'" Following the instructions, she de-evilized the insect. Oblivio was swallowed by bubbling darkness and separated into a boy and a girl.

"Jeez, you create monsters out of harmless butterflies and innocent civilians?" Chat Noir remarked. "You are _super_ evil."

"You think that's evil? With Miraculous Ladybug, I can magically put the world back to the way it was before any of this happened. No consequences to any of my actions. I am the Ultimate Evil Bitch, bitch! MUAHAHAHAHA(_HAHAAHAHAHAAH__**AHAHAAHAHAAHAAHA**_—)"

Chat Noir took her hand, cutting her malevolent laugh short. "Maybe. But I think you'd make a pretty awesome hero."

Ladybug smiled back, the red in her eyes shifting down to her cheeks. "Nah, being a hero is too blegh for me. I'm thinking… anti-hero. I can live with that, but I need a full-fledged hero to show me the ropes."

"It would be my pleasure," Chat Noir said.

There was a quiet moment between them. A moment where they silently promised they would never fight each other again. A moment where they silently promised to love one another no matter what. A moment they silently promised they would never forget.

"My hunger has been sated," the piranha-teapot said between dry gasps. "Hurry, humans, you must return me to the water so I may join my carnivorous fishy brethren."

"Nope. Miraculous Ladybug." She tossed the piranha-teapot into the air. Magical ladybugs appeared and began putting the world back together.

The giant memory-erasing ball vanished.

The office building was reconstructed.

All traces and possible pregnancies from Ladybug and Chat Noir's multiple _checkings _were taken care of.

And as the magic did its things, Ladybug and Chat Noir kissed, sweet and gentle, ready to start their life anew, not as sworn enemies, but as allies, friends, and lovers. It should also be noted that this kiss was so perfect and life-changing that both Ladybug and Chat Noir instantly knew the secret to world peace and the cure to cancer.

Then the ladybugs washed over them and ruined everything.

Both heroes' eyes shot open and saw where their faces were connected.

Chat Noir stared.

Ladybug stared.

Chat Noir slipped in his barbed cat tongue.

Ladybug punched him across the roof. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" she screamed.

"Just going with the flow, M'Lady," Chat Noir suavely replied from his crater.

"We're in the middle of an Akuma fight! Where's Oblivio?"

"Actually, dude, you already beat them," Nino said, coming to the heroes. "Oblivio was me and Alya fused together." Behind him, Alya was laser-focused on her phone, her fingers dancing across the screen.

Ladybug recognized the parasitic glint in her eyes.

"No..." she whispered in horror. "NO!" She lassoed Alya's phone and ripped it into her own hands. Just as she feared, there were thousands of photos of her and Chat Noir's _mistake._ She smashed the phone on the ground and stomped on it until there was nothing left but silicon dust.

"Too late," Alya sang. "It's on the internet, you can't get rid of it now."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

_Later, on the bus:_

Marinette's class was all aboard, waiting to ride back to school. Marinette, however, was not seated. She was shaking Max silly in front of his laptop.

"Hack, you nerd!" she begged. "Make it go away!"

"I'm endeavoring at my best!" Max said. "But someone keeps making copies and bouncing them across servers around the world. It's impossible to keep up. Whoever is doing this is either a master coder or has enough astronomical wealth to purchase the services of thousands of hackers!"

A few seats away, Adrien sent another payment to his army of Russian hackers.

At the front of the bus, Alya and Nino moped aboard with looks of shame.

"Hey, guys," Alya said morosely, "We wanted to apologize about Oblivio and to let you know it was all Nino's fault."

"What?! Dude! No!" Nino shouted back. "You were totally the one who was trying to get us back together with a game of Super Penguino!"

"It was a platonic game between platonic friends, as platonic as Plato envisioned when he came up with the concept of platonic friendships to excuse why he couldn't get laid. If you had played seriously, we wouldn't have been in that closet long enough for the class to find us and laugh at us for playing a kid's game!"

"I was your hostage! You boarded up the closet door and wouldn't let me out unless I played that stupid game!"

"Guys, it's okay," Rose sweetly consoled. "Me and Juleka play Super Penguino corrosively."

"Constantly," Juleka corrected.

"So do me and Ivan," added Mylene.

Sabrina tapped her Dom pin expectantly at Chloe who rolled her eyes and said, "My Mistress and I play it too."

One by one, the class admitted to playing the game.

"Wait…" Alya said, "you _all_ play Super Penguino and you still made fun of us?"

"Y'up, we're assholes," Alix said.

"I don't play that game," Lila lied.

"Of course you don't, Lila," Alya eagerly nodded. "You are perfect in every way and we are blessed that you deem us worthy of being near you."

"All hail Lila!" the class chanted. "Praise be to Lila!"

* * *

_That night, in Marinette's bedroom:_

"THIS IS A DISASTER!" Marinette cried, bashing her head against her desk. The kiss was already being sold on t-shirts, coffee mugs, buttons, scarfs, medical masks, socks, posters, bumper stickers, regular stickers, and hamburger wrappers! Up in the night sky, a blimp flew, continuously flashing the photo to the city! There were even rumors that the kiss was going to be in the upcoming movie! The moment she wanted to be erased from history had spread to every corner of the globe. "How did this happen? How did I end up kissing Chat Noir? HOW?!"

"I don't know," Tikki replied uncaringly, more preoccupied with picking at something in her teeth. "Probably because without the blindfold of your self-imposed prejudices you were able to get to know him as a person and truly fell in love."

"FUCK YOU! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!" Marinette emptied her stores of wine and whiskey and carried the booze up to the roof, ready to drink until she puked. "I DON'T CARE WHO CHAT NOIR IS UNDER THE MASK! EVEN IF HE TURNED OUT TO BE THE PERFECT GUY, _**(I'D RATHER LET THE WORLD GET DESTROYED THAN LOVE HIM!)**_"

An ominous wind of foreshadowing blew by the window, but Tikki didn't notice because she had just pulled one of Marinette's hair ties out of her mouth.

"Ugh, Marinette, I think I ate you at some point."

* * *

_Meanwhile at Adrien's:_

Adrien sipped a glass of chardonnay as he admired the life-sized photo of him kissing Ladybug. It hung nicely over his fireplace.

"I get the distinct feeling we all learned something very important about ourselves today and grew as people," Plagg said astutely. "Oh well, too bad we can't remember. Guess we all learned nothing." Plagg pulled out his Master Plan book and added several dozen more pointless steps.

"Mmm-hmm," Adrien mumbled absently, hearts in his eyes. He commissioned several more portraits to be made.

_In the next room:_

Nathalie came out of Gabriel's walk-in closet with the man's phone. "It was in those pants you never wear, sir," she said.

"In my… Oh! I get it!" Gabriel read the final riddle again. "The 'forgotten repository of money and noxious gas' is my pants. It's a fart joke. Ha!"

END

_Writing 101: The line, "That makes sense," is the most unnatural string of words in the English language. I have never heard anyone say, "That makes sense," without being sarcastic. The only time any of your characters should say, "That makes sense," is when what they're saying makes absolutely no sense._

_Make sense?_

_And this is as far as I got before Nickelodeon said they wanted another script. No new chapter next week. The series will continue when I'm done. Don't worry, you'll survive._


	23. 20 Silencer But Deadly

_PILOT IS DONE AND SUBMITTED! NICKELODEON, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_NO ONE BELIEVED IN THE FROG'S ASTRONAUT DREAM? OH GOD... I THINK... I THINK I'M TEARING UP._

_{He didn't need others to believe in him… The frog believed in himself… and he wasn't gonna stop until he hopped all the way to the moon!}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 20: Silencer But Deadly  
_By: I Write Big

Getting a foot in the music industry door is a daunting task. You need to be the perfect trifecta of talented, charismatic, and sexy to make it anywhere. Or, you know, you could just be the son of previously established music producer Bob Roth like Mr. XY.

Nepotism.

It's worth more than you.

"You've been gone for so long, my boy," Bob Roth of Bob Roth Records cheered as the son who he'd presumed dead joined him at his table. "I thought for sure the holograms got you."

"Of course not, parental unit," Mr. XY replied, doing his best not to flicker. "I am your son and I am alive and corporeal and certainly not buried in a landfill several miles away from here. Let us proceed with the consumption of sustenance at the Grand Paris Hotel Restaurant which is our current location, as humans do."

Bob stared, unimpressed. He stuck a hand through XY's intangible body. "You're not fooling anyone, hologram."

"Beep!" The hologram got ready to run.

"But that's okay," Bob added, suddenly enthused again.

"It is?"

"I can make this work. A living son would've eventually gotten old and unsexy. Holograms are the future of music! Your finest champagne, garcon!" He shouted to the nearby waiter. Then he turned to Mr. XY with euros in his eyes. "Alright, hologram, you steal any new music to release under the XY name?"

The Mr. XY hologram frowned. "Will that give me the love of a father that I am programmed to desire?"

"Sure. Yeah. Whatever. What'cha got, moneymaker—oops, uh, I mean, _son_?"

Mr. XY walked to a nearby table, stole a businessman's laptop, and brought it back.

"I like where this is going," Bob nodded in approval.

Phasing his holographic fingers into the keyboard, Mr. XY started an electronic dance song. Less than ten seconds in, Bob made him stop.

"What the hell? That's the same exact song my real son released in his last album."

Mr. XY smiled. "I stole it as you requested. Do you love me now, parental unit?"

"I didn't mean to steal it from _yourself_! We did that last year! We need something new!"

Mr. XY flickered in disappointment. "I cannot write original music. I was not programmed to create, only to love."

"Don't worry, Ticket to Easy Street." Bob steepled his fingers maliciously. "We'll solve this the same way every other rich person who has no talents of their own does, by taking credit for the hard work of the poor. MuahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAH_AHAHAHAHAH__**AHAHAHAHAHAAH!**_"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I was not programmed to laugh."

* * *

_The next week:_

The bandmates of Kitty Section were outside the school, gathered around Rose's phone to watch Bob Roth's commercial.

"That's right, hopeful musicians," the producer said to the camera. "Bob Roth Records is looking for brand spanking new talent to steal from—I MEAN, uh, sign on and represent, yeah, that. Creativity and visual skills are a must. Submit your brand new style to this untraceable email today and remember to not consult a lawyer or copyright anything before forking it over. We swear this is legal."

"See?" Rose squeaked. "This is our impurity!"

"Opportunity," Juleka corrected with a sigh, then she smiled. "I'm in."

"Ivan like!" Ivan said.

"Indeed," Luka agreed. "Prevailing in this contest will surely put Kitty Section on the map, as it were. However, we will need more than just our music to stand out." The blue boy scratched his chin and glanced at another blue-haired person. "Miss Dupain-Cheng!"

The girl flinched at the voice that instantly filled her imagination with images of her and a certain guitarist cuddling in a field of flowers with nothing but the sun to keep them warm.

"GAAH!" Marinette screamed before pounding her head against a lamppost.

"Salutations!" Luka said. "If it's not too much of a bother, my sister's band could use your help in designing new costumes—" That was as far as he got before Rose, Juleka, and Ivan lifted Marinette over their heads and carried her away. "Oh dear… that was a tad rude."

* * *

_Later, on the SS Liberty:_

Kitty Section dropped their kidnapping victim on the deck.

"Guys, seriously, you don't want to wear my costumes," Marinette pleaded. "They're dangerous, you could get decapitated or shanghaied or have your music stolen or or or or..."

As Marinette continued to list off some very dangerous fates, Rose, Juleka, and Ivan were brainstorming.

"We should look like unicorns with _cuuute_ kitty whiskers!" Rose cooed.

"Black lipstick. Hair that's been dyed with the blood of the unworthy," Juleka added.

"Ivan like shoulder pads!"

Back and forth these clashing ideas flew, the band members scribbling them on a whiteboard. The trapped soul who was doomed to put this travesty together whimpered in the corner, her warnings ignored.

"Miss, why do you look so troubled?" Luka asked, bringing her a drink. "The simplest augmentation will render your clothes harmless. There's no need to worry."

"B-Because I'm nervous," she replied, refusing to look into the ice-cool blue that would send her spiraling into another unwanted fantasy. "What if they lose because of my designs? What if I mess up?"

"Miss!" Luka scoffed. "Your designs were showcased in the Master's spring lineup, worn by the Young Master himself. Anything you make will be nothing short of exceptional."

The encouraging support filled Marinette with a warmth that dissolved her anxiety in seconds. She quickly buried her face between her knees to hide the color in her cheeks. "Why do you have to be so perfect?" she whined.

"What was that?"

"I said, LISTEN UP, KITTY SECTION!" Marinette shot to her feet and stomped to the rest of the band. "YA GOT YOURSELF A COSTUME DESIGNER!"

"Yippee!" Rose chirped. "This is super exciting! We have _sooo_ many ideas—"

"SHUT IT!" Marinette roared. Her authoritative tone made the band instantly stand at attention. "IF I'M DOING YOUR COSTUMES, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP YOUR TRAPS SHUT AND DO WHAT I SAY! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

Kitty Section nodded without a peep.

"Good." Marinette whipped out a roll of measuring tape. "Strip."

The next few days were filled with music, makeup, and measuring—LOTS of measuring. As Marinette designed Kitty Section's new costumes, she kept measuring and re-measuring Luka, often claiming she couldn't get his chest and biceps right and that they needed thorough examination, mostly without his shirt on. This re-measuring was often followed by Marinette bashing her head against a wall.

At long last, Kitty Section's costumes were done.

"OOOH!" Rose squealed in her new glittery outfit. "These costumes are _sooo_ cute!"

"We look like _Five Nights at Freddy's_ fucked _My Little Pony_ while cheating on _Insane Clown Posse_," Juleka sighed.

"Is that… good?" Marinette asked.

Juleka sighed again. "Yes."

"Ivan like shoulder pads!" the goliath chuckled like an idiot, petting his precious shoulder pads.

Luka gave Marinette a congratulatory pat on the back. "Well done, Miss. I never had any doubts."

A visible pillar of steam billowed from Marinette's raspberry-red face as her mind flooded with images of Luka's innocent pat evolving into a not so innocent deep, _deep_ full-body massage. She dove into the Seine River to cool off.

* * *

_Two weeks later:_

It had been some time since Kitty Section had submitted their music video and still there was no word on a winner being chosen. That didn't deter the band, as they kept on rehearsing every day in full costume. Things were rather pleasant, until one day when they finished another set in the _SS Liberty_.

"That was _sooo_ much fun!" Rose cheered as the song came to an end.

"Yeah," Juleka agreed, showing the barest hint of a smile.

"Ivan like shoulder pads!"

"Indeed," Luka concurred. Then he turned a somewhat worried eye to the person huddled in the corner. "Miss Dupain-Cheng, you do know you can leave, yes?"

"I'm not going anywhere!" Marinette hissed as she refreshed the contest site over and over again. Her phone rumbled with another call from Sabine, worried sick about where her baby girl has been all these days, but unstable Marinette sent her mom straight to voicemail with the rest of the calls from the police and resumed refreshing. "I have to know! Did they hate my work? Did they think it was trash? Did they throw out the entry the second they saw those Astruc-awful unicorn horns!? DID THEY?!"

Luka gently pushed her phone aside. "Miss, worrying like this isn't healthy."

Marinette tried her hardest to ignore the inviting feel of his fingers on her hand. "Y-Yeah, you're right."

"Go home, get some rest. We'll call you when we hear ba—"

"Ivan see trouble!" the baby hulk cried at the nearby porthole. Everyone joined him and followed his pointing meaty arm to the jumbotron up above. On the massive screen, Mr. XY was spinning records while dressed in a hobo's version of Kitty Section's new costume design.

"Oh dear..." Luka mumbled.

Rose found the broadcast on her phone and the band heard the same exact song they had submitted to the contest.

"Amazing!" whooped French Ryan Seacrest in the video. "XY, you've done it again! You've reinvented music itself and both that brand new song about unicorns gutting kittens on their horns and that sweet original costume style will go down in music and fashion history as yours and yours alone. Anybody you want to thank?"

"No," XY flickered. "I only want my father to love me."

It got _**VERY**_ quiet on the houseboat.

"I'm sure this is all a simple misunderstanding," Luka suggested brightly. He turned to Marinette. "Miss—" She wasn't there. "Miss?"

Suddenly the room violently jerked, throwing everyone off their feet. Kitty Section scurried onto the deck and saw that the mainsail had been lowered, the anchor had been raised, and the _SS Liberty_ was barreling up the Seine. At the helm, with the wind in her hair and fire in her eyes, was Captain Marinette Middle-Name Dupain-Cheng!

"LOAD THE FUCKING CANNONS!" she ordered.

* * *

_Outside the TV Station:_

A pair of tough security guards stood at the only entrance to the building. They scanned the road like silent sentinels.

In the distance, there was a faint _boom!_ This was followed by a high-pitched whistle, which slowly grew louder and closer. The guards both noticed a shadow expanding over them and they looked up.

_CRASH!_

The _SS Liberty_ smashed through the doors and into the TV Station lobby. Wood and tile cracked and splintered as the giant boat slid up to the front desk.

"Um, do you have an appointment...?" asked the terrified secretary.

"Terribly sorry about this," Luka called down. "Miss Dupain-Cheng overreacted a little. There's a simple explanation for the similarities in Mr. XY's music and costumes, I'm sure. Let's all take a moment to calm do—"

"TAKE NO PRISONERS!" bellowed Captain Marinette.

"No!" Luka shouted.

"Ivan like shoulder pads!" Ivan cried as he pummeled more security guards. Rose silently brought up the rear with her pocket knife and her… _smiling_… while Juleka readied another cannon.

"Stop! Please!" Luka insisted.

Marinette dashed past everyone and headed for the studio.

"Miss! Wait!" Luka wailed, close behind.

_ Upstairs: _

The red and blue in Marinette's eyes deepened to shades darker than ever before as she marched towards the one who had wronged her. Her fangs sharpened, her claws sprouted, and her wrench wound spasmed and stung at levels much like when she was falling off the Eiffel Tower, struggling to trust Chat Noir. And like that fall, she heard a whisper in the back of her head…

_("What the—Oh, hi there, hothead. I didn't expect you to ever get furious enough to let me back in again. And here I thought I'd have to settle for not having a brain slave. Silly me. Time to get to _**CRACKING SKULLS—**"_)_

"Miss!" Luka said, grabbing Marinette's arm. At his touch, her wrench wound stopped hurting and the color vanished from the girl's eyes.

_("No, dammit, no!")_ the whisper cried as it grew faint.

"Please, there's no need for this, Miss," Luka implored as they stuck their heads through the studio doors. Just inside was Bob Roth, watching XY continue his interview. "I'm certain Mr. Roth never intended to steal anything from us. It's not like the Universe is here to cause such a conundrum."

Marinette paused her bloodrage to stare dumbstruck at Luka. "Oh my Astruc," she muttered to herself. "I have a fetish for stupid and naive boys, don't I?"

"Let's calmly talk to Mr. Roth and clear up this whole misunders—"

"That's not how the world works, Luka!" Marinette growled at him. "Just because the Universe isn't messing with me anymore doesn't make everyone else suddenly a good person. Bob Roth and XY didn't accidentally copy us! They robbed us! THEY ROBBED _(__**ME**__!)_"

Marinette stormed in, grabbed a chair, and whacked the back of Bob Roth's head with it. Before she could go for the groin, Luka jumped in and held her back.

"Mr. Roth, I'm terribly sorry about this," he quickly said. "My friend Miss Dupain-Cheng is under the horrible impression that you stole my music and her costumes—"

"Aha! So you tracked us down," Bob Roth said as he recovered. "Very clever. You're a regular pair of Sherlock Holmes."

Luka blinked. "Pardon?"

"How did you figure it out? Was it the identical costume? The word for word matching lyrics? The same music you submitted to us which we literally downloaded from your email and played on live TV without any changes and pretended it wasn't weird that my cash cow suddenly sang like a teenage girl? What gave it away?"

"I don't—I, uh," Luka stuttered nervously. "I don't wish to misinterpret what we're talking about, Mr. Roth. Could you clarify—"

"Look, parental unit," XY said, joining the group with a flicker. "It is one of the members of Kitty Section. They are the band we stole from. Ha. Ha. Ha. Do you love me now, parental unit?"

"Getting there, Free Money."

For a moment, nobody said anything.

"By 'stole,' you meant inspired by, correct?" Luka asked with his last shred of hope.

"No."

Luka began to tremble. "But-but-but—"

"Luka," Marinette ripped out of the boy's hold and cracked her knuckles, "wait in the boat."

However, Luka didn't move from the spot. His normally logical mind was overwhelmed with a broiling mixture of confusion and helplessness. How could this be? Had he changed nothing? He had personally seen to it that the Universe left Miss Dupain-Cheng and the rest of humanity alone. There was no reason for such deception, such shallow theft. Why? Why? WHY?! And in these torrenting thoughts appeared a new human emotion for the doorbell. An emotion he could only describe as... _fury_.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man dancing to Mr. XY's newest single.

"Ooh, I love the kitty's mewl when I run them through with my unicorn horrrrrrrn!" he sang along awfully. He stopped mid-doing-The-Robot. "Wow, I just realized how sexual that is. Not letting Adrien buy that one. Anyway, time to work."

He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off. Across the city, the dark messenger flew until it found Luka and shattered on his kitty-unicorn mask. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"How ya doing, tall, dark, and brooding?" Hawkmoth said. "You ready to take the stage and ruin everyon—"

Luka slammed the mask on his face and he was instantly swallowed by bubbling darkness.

"Okay, wow, jeez, he's eager."

The transformation finished and in Luka's place stood a blue-skinned, purple-bodysuit-clad boy wearing a motorcycle helmet!

Hawkmoth retched. "Yuck! That has to be the worst costume design I have ever seen. As a fashion designer, it literally pains me to see this _outfit_." He composed himself. "Oh well, go forth, Silencer, and get me the Miraculous!"

Silencer stalked towards Bob Roth.

"I have done everything you asked, parental unit. Why won't you love me?" XY begged.

But then Silencer grabbed the hologram's face and pressed a shushing finger to his lips. The Akuma pressed a finger to his own lips and breathed out a barely audible, "Shhhhhhhut your fucking mouth..."

There must have been magic in those words because a purple globular jellyfish-thingie shot out of XY's mouth and was siphoned into the Akuma's helmet.

"What the fuck?" Marinette asked.

"What the fuck?" Bob Roth agreed.

'What the fuck,' is what XY tried to add to the conversation but no sound came from his mouth. He was completely mute!

Panic spread as everyone in the studio bolted out of there. Except for Marinette.

"No, seriously, what the fuck is this?" she asked, not scared in the least. "Was that jellyfish supposed to be XY's voice? Do people's voices look like jellyfish? Was Lovecraft right and humans are actually meat-bots that are secretly piloted by jellyfish? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

"Worry not, Miss Dupain-Cheng, I would never harm you," Silencer said, only he said it with XY's voice and, instead of his mouth, his hand flapped like a puppet to form the words.

"I reiterate my previous question, _what_ _the fuck?!_ This is the weirdest fucking Akuma I've ever fucking seen."

"I shall use Hawkmoth's power to force Mr. Roth to admit his thievery to the world," Silencer proclaimed. "Justice shall be done."

Marinette nodded. "Cool, I'm on board, go for it."

Silencer sped for the door Bob Roth had escaped through. "And then I shall use my dark powers to take my rightful place as the new Universe! A Universe of _vengeance_!"

Marinette groaned and got in his way. "Come on! Can't you do justice without the hostile takeover?"

The Akuma's battle-hardened glare softened and his hand did its best to smile kindly. "Miss Dupain-Cheng, before we met I was but a tool, doing as I was told. You changed that. You are an extraordinary girl, Miss Dupain-Cheng. As clear as a doorbell's chime and as sincere as a door knocker. You gave me purpose since the day we first met. I won't let anything happen to you."

A fire ignited deep within Marinette and spread to every corner of her body. Despite them being indoors, a romantic breeze of change and cherry blossoms blew through the studio, rustling Marinette's hair and flooding her mind with every Luka fantasy at once. Her eyes glistened from the moving proclamation of what could only be _love_.

"Wow, that was… beautiful," Hawkmoth said, astounded by the emotional outpour. "Maybe… maybe I could practice _the talk_ I need to have with Adrien on this one."

Silencer left and Marinette toppled over, her blush burning a hole in the floor.

Tikki popped out. "Damn..." she said. "That Akuma is DTF." Tikki then whispered sadistically into the steaming girl's ear, "Maybe Luka feels the same way."

"You think so?" Marinette sprang back up, thirstier than a camel in a sweater at the beach on a 95 degree summer day. Then she realized what just came out of her mouth and proceeded to bang her head against a camera.

_ Meanwhile: _

"So… girls," Hawkmoth said through Silencer's hand as the Akuma calmly hunted Bob Roth up some stairs.

"Indeed," Silencer's other hand said in XY's voice.

"I'm sure you have many questions."

"Not at all, Master, I possess an encyclopedic knowledge of the internet. While humans continue to surprise me at every turn, I can confidently say I know everything there is to know about girls."

"Oh." The Hawkmoth hand cleared his throat and rubbed his knuckles a bit. Over a full minute passed before he sheepishly asked, "Then… can I ask you a couple of questions?"

"But of course! What would you like to know, Master?"

Before Silencer's first lesson on parenting could begin, he arrived on the rooftop and found Bob Roth screaming over the edge.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! WHY DIDN'T I RUN _DOWNSTAIRS?!_"

"Salutations, Mr. Roth!" Silencer said. "If you would be so kind as to follow me back to the studio and admit your crimes on live television, we can call it a day and I can proceed with the conquering of the Universe."

"Never!" Bob Roth shouted. "I'm fucking rich, I'm fucking white, and I'm a fucking man! That means I never have to admit to ever doing anything wrong!"

"The internet disagrees with you," Silencer said, stretching his shushing fingers towards the man. "And so do I."

A yo-yo wrapped around his arm and yanked the Akuma back. Ladybug landed between Silencer and Bob Roth.

"Look, I'm all for exposing this stealing bastard," she said.

"Hey! Innocent until proven guilty," Bob Roth argued, "which will never happen because I'll bribe the judge."

"But you can't go and take over the world. We talked about this, remember?"

Silencer chuckled fondly. "Oh yes, I remember. Back then I was more about mind control. This time I see systematic extermination is the key. Very different approaches, Miss Dup—I mean, _Ladybug._" Huge obvious wink.

The Hawkmoth hand did a double-take. "Wait. Do you know her secret identity?"

"I don't not not know who she really isn't," Silencer replied suavely with another huge obvious wink.

The Hawkmoth hand tried to solve this tongue twister and failed. "Okay, just checking. Proceed."

Ladybug swung fist after fist at Silencer while the villain dodged with grace. "Systematic extermination?!" Ladybug growled. "For the love of—You can't just kill people when they piss you off! Beat them up? Yeah, sure, go nuts, but not kill!"

A swift dodge threw Ladybug off balance and she landed by Bob Roth's feet. Free to attack, Silencer reached for the producer's lips. The man instantly grabbed Ladybug and raised her as a human shield. Silencer's shushing fingers pressed against her lips instead and a red jellyfish-thingie shot out of her mouth and into the Akuma's helmet.

Ladybug mutely glared at Bob Roth.

"Oops," he said and dashed onto a window cleaner's scaffold and descended down to the street.

Tired of trying to reason things out, Ladybug threw her yo-yo into the air to summon her Lucky Charm… and the disc came back down and bonked her head. A horrid realization came over the hero. Without her voice to say the magic words, she was useless.

"Oh dear, I am terribly sorry about that, Miss," Silencer said in Ladybug's voice. "I'd give it back but I'm not sure how."

"What are you saying sorry for, Silencer!" Hawkmoth howled. "She's vulnerable! ATTACK!"

"Apologies in advance, Miss, but I must keep up appearances." Silencer threw a pathetic punch that was so obviously fake and slow that a snail could've dodged it. Ladybug only had to slightly lean back to get out of the way. Even though Silencer clearly had no intention of fighting her, a new strategy was desperately needed for the mute and powerless Ladybug, so she leaped off the roof in a tactical retreat.

"Blast!" Silencer swore, not trying to follow at all. "She has escaped! Absconded! Gotten away! Such a masterful strategy. I cannot hope to catch her."

"Damn you, Ladybug!" the Hawkmoth hand cried. "You've slipped through my fingers yet again!"

"I shall track her down, Master, after I've brought Mr. Roth to justice," Silencer replied, eyeing the distant running figure of his true target. "But first, Miss, if you can hear me, I hope you are not in a precarious position," Silencer called out in what sounded like a genuine warning. It made Ladybug, who was scaling a nearby billboard with her yo-yo, pause.

"Spots off," Silencer said in Ladybug's voice.

Ladybug's eyes shot open and in a flourish of red she de-transformed back into Marinette. With a soundless 'GAAAAH!' she tumbled to the catwalk.

"What was that? Why did you say that?" the Hawkmoth hand asked.

"No reason, Master. Now, let us return to the topic of girls. You had questions?" Silencer set off after Bob Roth.

Marinette watched him go, eye twitching. Tikki popped out and said nothing.

'_You too?_' Marinette mouthed.

'_Yeah_,' Tikki mouthed back. '_This sucks!_'

_BLAM!_

The Pink Devil appeared by their side in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. "Good news," she said. "I've stopped the murder hornets. Bad news, we're now in a timeline where you lose your voice. So, be prepared for that."

Marinette and Tikki glared silently at her.

"Whoops," the Pink Devil smiled sheepishly. "Overshot it."

* * *

_Later, a few blocks away:_

Adrien was replacing all of his bedroom's wallpaper with images of Chat Noir kissing Ladybug, while Plagg added even more steps to his Master Plan book. Through the window, the Kwami spotted a frantic Bob Roth scrambling down the street, begging for help.

"Hmmmmm..." Plagg said.

A few moments later, what looked like a multi-colored boy wearing a motorcycle helmet charged across the rooftops in the same direction.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." Plagg said.

A few more moments later, the human girl Plagg recognized as Ladybug also charged down the street in the same direction, looking eager to hit someone.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." Plagg said.

"Something happening?" Adrien asked, still putting up the wallpaper.

"Not sure. Could be another parade." Then Tikki floated up through the floor. "S'up, babe."

Tikki waved wildly at him.

"What's that, babe? Timmy fell down the well? I don't know anyone named Timmy."

Tikki shook her head and resumed miming.

"You wanna bang?"

Tikki silently snarled at him and kept on miming.

"Adrien's dad is Hawkmoth?"

Tikki screamed without making a noise and grabbed Plagg's book. She furiously scrawled a message and gave it back to him.

"Oh. 'An Akuma has stolen both me and bubble bubble bubble's voices and is chasing an asshole called Bob Roth. Help.' Sure, babe, be right there."

Tikki hesitated, surprised that she had actually written 'bubble bubble bubble,' and then flew off after Marinette.

_ Later: _

"But… how do you know if she likes you back?" the Hawkmoth hand asked. "I just know my son is going to bring that up."

"That is, as they say, the Million Euro Question," Silencer chuckled as he vaulted over chimney after chimney. "The answer is to ask, Master. Being direct and honest is the best way to handle relationships. The worst she could say is no. Well... the worst she could say is no, she never even considered you a person to begin with and you are lower than filth in her mind and if you ever come near her again, she will call the police."

The conversation grew faint as Marinette climbed the last steps of the fire escape and made it to the apartment building roof. Catching her breath, she peered into the distance where she could see Silencer getting further away.

"Princess! What are you doing here?"

She whirled around and found Chat Noir, surprised by her presence.

Marinette pointed in the direction Silencer had gone, flapped her hands like puppets, and then covered her mouth and throat.

Chat Noir gasped. "In the sky, you saw a duck strangle another duck?! Holy _quack?!_" He finished with a toothy grin.

Marinette made the international signal of, 'I am _this close_ to strangling you!' She snatched his staff and typed out a message.

"Ooooh, voice-stealing Akuma, got it," Chat Noir said after reading the text. He struck a power pose. "Don't worry, my Number One Fan, Ladybug and I will beat this Akuma and return your voice. You'll be back to singing my praises before you know it."

Chat Noir readied to leap mightily into the air and to soar after Silencer. Marinette grabbed his belt-tail and ripped him back to the roof.

At least, she tried.

Marinette had forgotten about her lack of Miraculous strength and was about as heavy to Chat Noir as a trail of toilet paper. And like a trail of toilet paper, Marinette was dragged behind Chat Noir at breakneck speed. With no voice to scream, the hitchhiker went unnoticed.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Bob Roth splashed down to his knees into the murky depths of the Paris sewer system. The putrid stench of rotted escargot and moldy croissants made Bob Roth gag, but at least he was safe in his new hiding spot. He smirked at the distant open manhole up above. "Ha! I lost him. No one will ever look for me in the sewer."

"And why do you think that is, Bobbie?" asked a new voice.

Bob turned toward that voice and found millions upon millions of undead skeletons leering back at him with wicked hunger.

"You think it has anything to do with us, _dad_?" asked the one with a poof of blonde on its scalp.

"FUCK!" Bob scrambled up the ladder as the horde clawed at his designer shoes.

"Damn! Ladders! Our only weakness!" cursed one.

"C'mon, Bobbie!" called another. "Come play with us!"

"We all float down here!" added Pennywise the Dancing Clown. "We all float!"

Trapped between being chased aboveground and being consumed underground, Bob pulled out his cell and dialed Mayor Bourgeois. "Are you kidding me? No signal?"

"Here, use my _skull-phone_." One of the skeletons tossed up their own head to Bob.

"Oh, thanks." Bob pressed the skull to his ear and said, "Hi, I'd like to make a collect call to Mayor Bourgeois. Yes, I'll hold—" The skull bit his ear! "AAAAAAA!"

Calm smooth-jazz holding-music played as Bob desperately tried to pry the skull off. The jaws didn't let go until Bourgeois picked up.

"Salutations, Mr. Roth!" the Mayor's voice rang out of the skull as clear as a bell. "How may I be of service?"

"Andre, the dead have escaped from the catacombs and into the sewers! Get me out of here!"

_In the Mayor's Office:_

Silencer's hand smiled sinisterly at the phone and said in Andre Bourgeois' voice, "The sewers! Of course! I shall send a police escort at once." The Akuma hanged up and began dialing the police. On the other side of the room, the real Mayor lay tied up in the corner.

Audrey passed by.

"Mmmphey!" he tried to shout at her.

"I hhhhhaven't the time nor the patience today, Anchovies," she snooted as she took his wallet. "Chloe and I arrre doing this, ugh, _mother-daughter shopping trip_." She shivered. "All this family bonding is going to hhhmake me soft. I'll call hhhwhen we need the chopper to pick us up. Toodles."

And she left.

_Meanwhile, outside:_

Chat Noir landed on the roof opposite City Hall. "Okay, so he's in there—"

_SMACK!_

Marinette bounced off his hard-as-steel back, finally getting his attention. "Princess? Did you follow me? You can't be here, it could get dangerous—"

She snatched his staff again and typed out another message.

"Oooh, Bugaboo is on another one of her _secret missions._" Chat Noir nodded with sympathy. "I know what that means. I'll be sure to bring her some ice cream later. Thanks for letting me know, Princess. Now you need to get away from here before the Akuma—"

Marinette latched onto his back and strapped herself in with his belt-tail.

Chat Noir blinked at his new passenger.

"Oh, I get it!" Chat Noir laughed proudly and did his best super-pose. "You want to see your favorite superhero in action, up close and personal! Hahaha! Not a problem! Get ready, my Number One Fan, you are about to witness the battle of a generation! Here he comes now!"

Down below, Silencer had just stepped out of City Hall. Chat Noir got ready to pounce.

"Feel the wrath of my Cata—"

Marinette covered his mouth and wrenched his cat ears back, forcing him to fall out of the Akuma's sight. Silencer was too distracted with his parenting lessons to notice.

"I'm not saying I have a problem with my son dating my archenemy," Hawkmoth said, "but how do I set _boundaries?_"

"There it gets murky, Master. You tighten your hold too much and he'll openly rebel and date her in secret. You need to find a balance of acceptance and rules." Silencer leaped past the heroes, heading for the TV studio.

"Princess!" Chat Noir whined. His legs were no longer under his control. They moved with the twists of his cat ears in Marinette's hands. "I don't think this is going to work if you're—WHOA!"

Marinette grinned as she steered her ride after the Akuma.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Officer Roger pulled Bob Roth out of the sewer. A spine-tingling chant of, "We all float!" echoed from the depths.

"Float on this!" Bob roared and shook his middle finger at the manhole. He got a banana cream pie in the face and a pair of handcuffs on the wrists.

"Bob Roth, you are under arrest," Officer Roger said.

"WHAT?! On what charges?"

"On the charges of the man who signs my paychecks told me to arrest you without any reason or evidence." He shoved Bob into his police car.

"No, you can't do this to me! I'm white! _I'm white!_"

* * *

_Later, at the TV Studio:_

Silencer patiently waited by the elevator.

"Okay, okay, okay, but, how do I approach the topic of… _"_ The Hawkmoth hand coughed in embarrassment. It made the universal two-handed gesture of the birds and the bees.

"Oh, I'm certain you'll be surprised by how knowledgeable the Young Master already is on the topic," Silencer replied.

Hawkmoth froze. "He's what?"

_Ding!_

The elevator doors opened with Officer Roger and Bob Roth inside.

"Ah, thank you, Officer Roger," Silencer said in the Mayor's voice and pulled Bob out of the elevator. "I'll take it from here."

"Glad I could help, Mister Mayor, a good day to you." Roger tipped his cap and reached for the lobby button.

"Mayor?! Are you blind?" Bob jabbed a finger at the Akuma. "That is not Andre Bourgeois!"

Roger narrowed his eyes with suspicion at the villain.

"Yes, I am," Silencer claimed in Andre's voice.

"Good enough for me!" Roger concluded and went downstairs for a well-deserved break.

"As I stated previously, Mr. Roth," Silencer said when they were alone. "If you'd kindly admit the crimes you've committed against Miss Dupain-Cheng and her friends to the camera, I won't be forced to sully your name."

"Sully my name?" Bob scoffed. "I work in the entertainment industry, kid. We have cocaine parties waitered by illegals every weekend and post it on Instagram. Nobody stops us, nobody cares. Why? Because we're celebrities! There's absolutely nothing you can do that would—"

"Salutations, local bank," Silencer said in XY's voice, "this is the son of Mr. Roth, I'd like to empty all of my family's accounts, sell all of my family's stock, dissolve the Bob Roth Records company and donate every cent to charity."

Bob Roth turned pale. "I'll do anything you say, you monster."

_ Later: _

Bob Roth winced before the camera that broadcasted to every TV in the city.

"Salutations, people of Paris!" Silencer narrated off-screen in French Ryan Seacrest's voice. The real French Ryan Seacrest was mutely tied up in the corner with the mute XY hologram. "We are back and Mr. Roth has a very special announcement, which will be promptly followed by a new world order. Stay tuned."

_CRASH!_

Marinette rode in on her cat-steed! She jumped off, mid-gallop, and dragged Bob Roth out of there, leaving Chat Noir to fight Silencer on his own. Marinette led Bob through the maze of doors, further and further away from the Akuma. She chose a random dressing room and shoved him inside.

"Don't think that you saving me changes anything, little missy," Bob grumbled at her. "None of this would've happened in the first place if you and Kitten Division weren't crying so much about 'your work being stolen.' Get used to it, kid, that's how this business works and there ain't nothing you can do to change that."

_Click._

Bob raised an eyebrow. "Why did you lock the door?"

_Craaaaaack._

Bob cleared his throat. "Why are you, um, cracking your knuckles?"

_Step-step-step._

Bob started to sweat. "Why are you approaching me like you're about to beat me to within an inch of my life?"

_WHAM!_

_In the hall:_

Silencer scoured the rooms for Bob, his frustrations growing by the second.

"Now, this is purely _hypothetical…" _the Hawkmoth hand said in a way that suggested it wasn't. "What if a man 'lost' his wife and he started having feelings for his secretary?"

"It's known as 'until death do us part' for a reason, Master," Silencer replied.

"Right, but what about magically induced near-death state comas that could potentially be reversed with a magical wish?"

"Oh dear… that is more of a grey area, isn't it?"

"Princess?" Chat Noir's voice echoed in the distance. "Where are you? It's not safe here."

Silencer's hand smiled. "Chat Noir, I'm over here," he called out in Ladybug's voice.

"Princess!" Chat Noir called back. "You got your voice back?"

"No, this is Ladybug."

There was no response.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah, I just… I never noticed how you and my Number One Fan sound so similar."

Silencer went wide-eyed. "N-No, we don't!" he said, still in Ladybug's voice but now lowered and wheezy like an old grandma. "Miss Dupain-Cheng and I sound nothing alike. Hear that? Completely different."

"Hmmm… Yeah, you're right. Must be my imagination. Meet me at the studio, I'm heading there now."

Silencer smiled.

_With Chat Noir:_

The cat-boy turned a corner and charged full speed for the studio. He was eager to team up with his Lady and get to kicking some Akuma ass. Then a familiar face stepped out of a dressing room, wiping something red off her fists.

"Princess!" Chat Noir scooped his Number One Fan into a tight hug. "Thank Astruc you're okay. Quick, take the elevator to the lobby. LB just arrived and I'm about to meet her at the studio to finish this."

Marinette stared back at Chat Noir, putting together in her head who Chat Noir was really about to meet. She silently sighed and latched onto his back again.

"No, wait!" he protested. "This is no place for a citizen to—"

She grabbed his cat ears and revved them into full throttle.

_ Later: _

Silencer stood by the studio door, ready to shush Chat Noir.

"Is it a red flag if she's forever tethered to the insane metaphysical concept of Emotion made incarnate who wields dark magic?" the Hawkmoth hand asked.

"Red flag? Master, you're forever tethered to the metaphysical concept of Transmission. I'd say you have something in common. Wonderful conversation starter."

"Princess! Slow down!" he heard Chat Noir cry. Around the corner the hero Tokyo-drifted and charged like a bull on all-fours at the Akuma. Riding on his back, pressing his ears flat against his head was Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

"Oh dear..." Silencer mumbled.

_BAM!_

The crash was so powerful that the trio tumbled through the studio doors and onto the stage, knocking over cameras and stage lights. The three laid in a painful heap for a while. Silencer was the first to recover.

"A noble effort, I must say," he said. Marinette struggled to get back up but she was too dizzy. "But in vain, Miss. This ends here."

He stretched his shushing fingers toward Chat Noir's lips and—

There was a distant _boom!_

This was followed by shaking in the walls that steadily grew stronger and stronger.

"Earthquake!" Chat Noir cried.

"No..." Silencer whispered. He knew what was coming.

_SMASH!_

Like a whale breaching the ocean's surface, the _SS Liberty_ pierced the studio floor and came to a thunderous landing. Manning the cannons was Kitty Section!

"Burn this motherfucker to the ground!" screamed Juleka!

Rose _smiled..._

"Ivan like shoulder pads!" Ivan bellowed, lighting the fuse!

With seconds to act, Marinette dragged herself to her knees. She slapped Chat Noir to get his attention, pointed at the cannon aimed at XY's DJ booth, mimed a batting motion, and pointed at Silencer.

Chat Noir stared. "You want to play pirate-baseball with the Akuma?"

Marinette yelled in silence. She pulled him to his feet, pressed herself against his back and grabbed his wrists, forcing them into a body position that looked like a parent showing their kid how to swing a bat. Chat Noir, thoroughly lost, noticed that they were directly in the cannon's path.

"Uh, Princess—"

_BOOM!_

The iron ball shot at them!

Chat Noir screamed.

Marinette grit her teeth and swung.

The battle staff connected and, with Chat Noir's Miraculous strength, the deadly projectile bounced off the staff and hit Silencer's helmet instead. The Akuma dropped to the floor and his helmet shattered. A black butterfly and nearly half a dozen colorful jellyfish-thingies floated out of the remains. The red one flew straight into Marinette's mouth.

"Fucking finally!" she screeched. "Hey, what the fuck is that?!"

Everyone turned to the far corner that she pointed at.

"Spots on," she whispered and in a flourish of red became Ladybug. "Whew, wow, hello, everybody, I just got here and have no clue what's going on. What did I miss?"

"LB!" Chat Noir gasped with joy and went for a hug but then stopped. "Oh, secret mission, right." He suddenly lowered his voice. "Is it too bright in here for you, M'Lady? I could get you some chocolate from the lobby gift shop. Hey, where did my Number One Fan go?"

"I'm fine and Marinette had homework or chores or whatever," she quickly excused before de-evilizing the Akuma and casting Miraculous Ladybug.

Everyone's voices were returned.

The studio was put back together.

The _SS Liberty_ and Kitty Section were returned to the Seine.

Silencer was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into Luka.

"Oh my..." he groaned. "What happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened!" Bob Roth shouted as he limped in. The man looked like he'd been jumped by an entire gang of boxers. Missing teeth, broken ribs, black eyes galore. "You went all evil and your girlfriend went all Muhammad Ali on me!"

"Really?" Ladybug asked, feigning concern and not so subtly pointing the nearest recording camera at Bob. "Why on Earth would she do that?"

"Nice try," Bob scoffed. "Did you really think I would fall for that old trick? Ha!"

Then Mr. XY stepped in front of the camera. "My parental unit stole Kitty Section's music," he said.

Instantly, dozens of police officers, SWAT teams, and half of the French army flooded the studio. Officer Roger slapped another pair of handcuffs on Bob. "Bob Roth, you are under arrest for musical theft, the highest crime on the planet. You're going away for life, bub."

"No!" Bob wailed as he was dragged away. "No, Money Machine, why?"

"Because, parental unit," the hologram flickered with disappointment, "you were never going to love me."

"Noooooo—"

The doors slammed, cutting Bob's cry short.

"Merde," Ladybug said.

"That kinda got dark," Chat Noir added.

"Blue one," XY said to Luka. "As the new head of Bob Roth Records, I wish to offer Kitty Section representation and an album deal."

"You would?" Luka asked, astounded.

"Yes. I can only hope that burying myself in my work will fill the void left by the absence of my parental unit's love."

"It won't," Chat Noir said.

* * *

_ Later: _

The stage was set and the cameras were ready. It was time for Kitty Section's first live TV performance. The band headed for their places, but Marinette stopped Luka.

"Wait," she said shyly. "Luka, what you said when you were akumatized…" Marinette glanced away, his love-filled words still burning fiercely in her heart. "Did you mean it or was that...?"

Luka frowned. "I'm terribly sorry, Miss, I have no recollection of when I was under Hawkmoth's control. I didn't say something awful, did I?"

Marinette nervously tittered. "You, uh, you—"

He took her hand and spoke earnestly. "Because, Miss Dupain-Cheng, before we met I was but a tool, doing as I was told. You changed that. You are an extraordinary girl, Miss Dupain-Cheng. As clear as a doorbell's chime and as sincere as a door knocker. You gave me purpose since the day we first met."

Her heart stopped.

_Word for word._

Her knees buckled.

_Word for word._

Her fingers fumbled.

"Word for word," she whispered.

"What was that?" he asked.

And then Marinette grabbed Luka and kissed him hard on the lips!

A symphony of music filled her world. Instruments not of man but of the heart and soul played in perfect harmony, vibrating through her body. Every inch of her trembled with the song, never wanting it to end.

Then she realized what she was doing.

"GAAAAH!" She jumped back and ran off, screaming at the top of her lungs, "Adrien! Adrien! I love only Adrien! I hate puberty!"

Luka watched her go, looking the picture of perplexed. "Oh my… I suppose I don't know everything about girls."

END

_Nobody does._


	24. 21 Stormy Weather 2: Electric Boogaloo

_It's here..._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_I BELIEVE IN THE FROG!_

_{He... He saved up his flies to afford to go to space school...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 21: Stormy Weather 2: Electric Boogaloo  
_By: I Write Big

This chapter requires a keen eye. I'll try to spell it out for you, dear readers, but you need to _pay attention_. This is about to get weird.

Sorry, weirder than usual.

The sun shines brightly, the birds tweet melodically as Marinette, Alya, and Nino exit their school. Everything is as it should be.

"Something feels… off," Marinette says.

"What do you mean?" Nino asks.

"I'm not sure." Marinette taps her chin, scrunches her brow, and searches around her for the source of this 'off' she senses. She finds nothing. "It's hard to describe," she says. "The world suddenly sounds more… _present…?_"

"Present? How does that work, dude?"

"I don't know!" Marinette insists. "You… me… how we're talking… everything just seems here and now."

"As opposed to then and there?" Alya clarifies. She raises an eyebrow.

"Exactly!"

Neither Nino nor Alya get what she means. "Okay," Alya says. "Have fun with your break from reality, Marinette. Nino and I are gonna have a study date."

"Huh? What?" Nino sputters.

"I said, let's have a platonic, non-date, study sesh, Nino. As friends."

"Oh, I swore I heard something else. Sorry, Alya, can't. I gotta drop off the notes and assignments Adrien missed because of his shoot today."

"I'LL DELIVER THEM!" Marinette screeches and rips the schoolwork out of Nino's hands. But even this perfectly normal excuse to be near her Adrien feels 'off' to her. She has the strongest suspicion that there is something about the 'tense' of it all that is wrong.

She doesn't know what that means, but she does know the world is not the way it should be.

"That's terrible!" she hears someone say nearby. Marinette turns and sees it's Sabrina speaking with Chloe and... Aurore?

One of these things is not like the other.

"Did you hear that, Chloe? Aurore's GPA dropped a whole point on her last report card."

Marinette's sixth sense flares but she still doesn't know why. She listens intently for the _wrong_ thing she can't put her finger on.

"Well of course it dropped, Mistress," Chloe scoffs. "It's a huge workload to attend class while working part-time at the weather station. She's probably under a lot of stress."

"What's that, Chloe?" Aurore snarls, her hair frays. "You saying that I can't handle it? You saying that I'm just one bad day away from being re-akumatized back into Stormy Weather? You saying that I can't change? You saying that I'll always be a villain? Is that what you're saying?!"

"Uh, no," Chloe replies earnestly without an ounce of malice. "I'm saying you have a lot on your plate and it's completely understandable for your GPA to slip a little, especially with your poor lower-middle-class upbringing."

"Oh! I get it!" Aurore snarks. "You're saying I'm too stupid! That I'm never going to make it as a weather person! That I'll just be another one of Hawkmoth's victims again with the utterly ridiculous power to make it rain!"

"Jeez, Chloe, lay off Aurore, will ya," Alya scolds with firm disapproval.

"Yeah, dude," Nino agrees. "Hasn't she had enough?"

Chloe looks lost. "But, I—I didn't—That's not what I—"

"Oh, you just don't let up! I'll show you!" Aurore roars. "I'm going straight to my weather job and stressing myself out until I start crying blood!"

Aurore stomps to her car and is driven away.

Chloe glances with worry at Sabrina. "Am I doing this nice thing wrong?"

"No, no, you're doing great," Sabrina assures. "People just need to get used to the new you."

As Sabrina consoles Chloe, Marinette suddenly realizes what's wrong.

"Aurore doesn't go to this school," she says.

_Later, at Marinette's room:_

Marinette flips through several school yearbooks. Tikki watches with disinterest. "Why is this so important?" the kwami sighs.

"Here!" Marinette points to one book. On the page is an old class photo from several years ago. Aurore sits amongst the students.

"Holy fuck..." Tikki whispers in awe. "Max used to rock an afro?"

"That's not it! Look!" Marinette waves to the rest of the yearbooks. All of them, including the most recent one with all the photoshopped Adriens, don't have a single photo of Aurore. "I knew it! Aurore did use to go to our school, but she transferred years ago to study meteorology. How is she suddenly here again and doing bad on tests?"

Tikki frowns at her. "Marinette, you're just trying to avoid delivering Adrien's schoolwork, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not! This is serious!"

"And you're going to spend hours in front of the mirror, rehearsing what should be a simple, 'hi, here's your crap.' I thought you were past this, Marinette," Tikki grumbles. "This is just like all those other times when you were too tongue-tied to talk to Adrien. Remember?"

* * *

_ Remember?: _

"Ooh, charades!" exclaimed Adrien. "I love this game."

Marinette spasmed. She wasn't in her room anymore. She was back in front of her school, suddenly feeling a severe lack of a wrench wound in her head. She held a familiar present that she recognized as the scarf she had knitted for Adrien for his last birthday.

"Let's see… Five words. First word sounds like… stitch!"

"Out of the way," a bitch named Chloe shoved Marinette off her feet.

_ Remember?: _

Marinette tumbled face-first into the... trash can? She all at once found herself not in wet cement but neck-deep in a small plastic pail. She ripped it apart and discovered she was in her classroom.

One of the crumpled papers from the trash landed on her face and she recognized it.

"The fuck?" she said. "This is the love poem Adrien wrote to She-Who-Must—"

* * *

_ Now: _

"—Die," Marinette finishes and sees she now sits on her bed, the poem still in her hands. "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!" she screams in terror.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Tikki screams back in equal terror. "WE WERE HERE AND THEN WE WERE THERE AND NOW WE'RE BACK HERE!"

"DID WE JUST TIME TRAVEL? WHEN ARE WE?!" Marinette pulls out her phone. The screen says not a minute has passed, but this brings her no comfort. "Tikki, is this some crazy side-effect of the Miraculous like Mr. Narrator?"

"No!" the kwami shouts but then looks unsure. "...I don't think so."

After her eye twitches at the silence, Marinette yells, "YOU DON'T _THINK SO_!"

"Hold on, let me double-check." Tikki clears her throat and calls out to the empty room, "Fluff? Is that you? Are you messing with us?"

_BLAM!_

A blue mini-nuclear explosion erupts near Marinette's TV. Out of the fallout tumbles the Pink Devil and Timetagger, choking each other out.

"This… isn't… me…" the Pink Devil manages to rasp between gags before the two vanish in another blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"That settles it, I have no idea what the fuck is going on," Tikki says.

Marinette faces this unfathomable problem as she usually faces things she doesn't understand. She screams. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"Stop!" Tikki demands.

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"We'll figure this out! Just stop!"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"Let's think this through!"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"What happened that led up to… _that?_ You were looking at yearbooks and I was pointing out the millions of times you were a blubbering mess in front of Adrien."

* * *

_ Remember?: _

Marinette stabbed the spoon shank into Adrien's chest.

"GAAAH!" she screamed.

"Gah! Agh! Lot more painful than I imagined! Think you punctured my lung!" Adrien gripped at the growing red spot on his chest and laughed at the agony.

"Adrien! No! I'm so sorry!" Marinette cried and tried to cradle the boy.

_ Remember?: _

"Somebody call an ambulance!" she sobbed.

"An ambulance?" Adrien asked. "Why? Aren't we going to play the game?"

Marinette saw she was back in her bedroom with Adrien, stab-free, and sitting in the front of the start screen of _Ultimate Mecha Strike III._ "Adrien, you're alive?"

"I won't be for long against you. C'mon, let's train for the video game tournament."

Without meaning to, they reached for the same controller at the same time. Their hands touched. Marinette let out a girlish squeal that was so high pitched that it could make a dog go deaf and she slumped back, GLAAAAAWLALAAAALLed to death.

_ Remember?: _

Marinette gasped back to life as a pair of the most perfect hands slipped a dry shirt over her wet see-through pajama top.

"Here. Sorry that I didn't notice earlier," Adrien said as he gently buttoned her up. "Don't cry. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Marinette. You're beautiful."

"Astruc tapdancing Christ, can I stay in one place, please?!" Marinette begged.

_ Remember?: _

"Happy birthday, Marinette," Adrien sweetly said, handing her the small jewel box.

Marinette looked around her. She was in a park, during some kind of party with her class. She saw her grandma flirting with Andre Glacier the Ice Cream Man next to a large cake. The words _Happy Birthday Marinette_ hung above them on a colorful banner. Her hands opened the box and pulled out a string of beads and trinkets.

"It's a lucky charm, just for you," Adrien explained. He pulled Marinette's unlucky charm from his pocket. "I always have the one you gave me. Carry it around wherever I go."

Marinette stared. "I don't remember this..." she said.

* * *

_ Now: _

"I don't remember any of this..." she says.

"It happened again!" Tikki cries and begins to hyperventilate.

Marinette is back in her bedroom. No _Ultimate Mecha Strike III_, no Adrien. There was, however, the lucky charm Adrien gave her. It sits in her hands, not fitting any memory. "What is this?" she asks, mystified.

But Tikki is too far into freak out mode to respond. "What is this?! How is this?! Why is this?! Who is doing this?! Who?! WHO?!"

_ Meanwhile: _

"Good afternoon, Nathalie," Gabriel says, failing to not look guilty as fuck.

Nathalie stares at that guilty grin for two seconds, pukes some blood into her blood bucket, and groans. "What did you do, sir?"

"Do?" The guilty grin somehow gets even guiltier. "I didn't do anything? What are you talking about? I am standing here in my office, now, here, today, at this moment, presently, doing nothing of significance other than talking to you. How could you think that I have done something?"

Nathalie groans again, spits up a little more blood, and turns to the exit. "I'm locking myself in the panic room."

"No, don't leave me alone!" Gabriel tackles Nathalie to the ground. "Fine, fine, you got me. Something did happen, Nathalie. An Akuma called Recap-er got off its leash and turned on me, okay? He uses people's memories to throw them back in time but only if they think about the past. Whatever you do, stay in the present. Talk, Nathalie, talk to me about what's happening here and now! Don't try to remember things!"

But his words fall on deaf blushing ears. The feel of Gabriel Agreste's body pressing against her has the exact opposite reaction. Her face flushes red as she remembers the dozens of small intimate moments she's had with Gabriel.

* * *

_ Remember?: _

The ax slipped from Nathalie's hold, the blade cutting the luxurious rug behind her.

"How the—Where the—HUH?!" Nathalie eloquently put.

"Calm, stay calm," Gabriel said soothingly. "Let this play out and—" Without wanting to, Nathalie pulled Gabriel into a tight embrace. "Oh. Oh… I forgot how nice this was."

"Sir," Nathalie gulped, "are we in the past?"

_ Remember?: _

"Temporarily, yes," Hawkmoth said, silhouetted by his great spiral window. "Don't touch anything or try to undo your past actions, otherwise you'll change the present. I already somehow got best girl transferred to another school. No clue how adding extra Nutella to my sandwich did that."

He promptly stomped on Nathalie's toes.

"OW! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

The black butterfly in Hawkmoth's hands sensed her anger and shattered on her tablet.

_ Remember?: _

Gabriel gingerly set Nathalie down on the couch and stroked her hand.

"Sir," she glared at him before hacking up a chunk of lung, "make it stop."

"I can't simply take Recap-er's powers away anymore, Nathalie. He's grown too powerful. We need Ladybug and Chat Noir to defeat him." Gabriel looked away, uneasy. "But they may have some trouble not getting stuck in the past themselves. Who can I pay to fix this—"

Nathalie slapped him. "Stop trying to fix things with money! Just akumatize someone else! That'll keep them focused."

* * *

_ Now: _

The sting of that slap brings them back to the present, as far as they can tell. Gabriel gasps.

"Of course! Another Akuma! Nathalie, you genius, you've done it again!" He reaches out for a hug, but Nathalie quickly aims a chair at him. "Sorry, stay in the now, right. To the hidden tower!"

Gabriel pushes the series of secret buttons on Emilie's portrait and—

"Father!" Adrien bursts into the office. "You won't believe what happened today! Let me tell you all about how I remember it."

Both Nathalie and Gabriel cover their ears and repeatedly say, "NO!" as loud as they can. Nathalie quickly pushes the boy out of the office while Gabriel rides his mini-elevator out of there.

"Phew!" Gabriel says when he is before the giant spiral window. "That was a close one. Almost got Adrien pulled into the past back there."

"Yeah," agrees Nooroo. "But that wouldn't be the first time you put him in danger."

Both freeze as the memories flood in.

"Fuck!"

* * *

_ Remember?: _

"AAAAAAAH!" Hawkmoth screamed as Adrien slipped from Gorizilla's hand and tumbled off the skyscraper.

_ Remember?: _

"AAAAAAAH!" Hawkmoth screamed as Adrien was glitterfied by Fashion Queen.

_ Remember?: _

"AAAAAAAH!" Hawkmoth screamed as Adrien's sarcophagus was skewered by Riposte's blade.

_ Remember?: _

"AAAAAAAH!" Hawkmoth screamed as Adrien told him he didn't love him during Dark Cupid's rampage.

_ Remember?: _

"AAAAAAAH!" Hawkmoth screamed as Adrien was forcefully kissed by Chameleon.

* * *

_ Now: _

Gabriel hugs himself to stop the trembling and whimpers, "Am I a bad dad?"

"I am shocked you would ask that. Shocked! Shocked, I say," Nooroo replies. "Well, not that shocked. And the answer is yes."

"Lalala! I can't hear you! Lalala! Nooroo, dark wings rise!" In a powerful pulse of purple, he transforms into Hawkmoth. "Okay, Gabriel," he says carefully. "You are here, you are now. Don't think about the past, don't think about your mistakes. Just focus on fixing them." He fills one of his butterflies with darkness and sends it off.

Across Paris, the dark messenger flies until it—

* * *

_ Remember?: _

"Yes, my little ones, feast! Cocoon yourselves and add to my army!" the little caterpillar's new daddy laughed as he fed him fresh leaves.

_ Remember?: _

The little caterpillar wrapped himself in silk, eager to make daddy proud. He was going to be the best butterfly ever!

_ Remember?: _

Yet another butterfly beat him to daddy's hand. Ever since the loan sharks had broken his legs after he'd lost all his nectar in a bad poker game, he hadn't been able to fly as fast.

_ Remember?: _

He held his wife and watched their baby caterpillar's crawl for the first time. He may not have been able to make daddy proud, but he'd be a proud daddy.

* * *

_ Now: _

—finds Aurore, angry and growling, as she gets in an elevator. The butterfly shatters on her parasol. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appear on her face and she sees the visage of a silver-masked man.

"How you doing, best girl, can't really change the details of your powers, kind of in a hurry," he says quickly. "I'mma make you Stormy Weather again and you're going to lead Ladybug and Chat Noir straight to Recap-er, got it?"

"Whatever you say, Hawkmoth," Aurore chuckles as bubbling darkness swallows her.

_Meanwhile, in Adrien's room:_

Adrien flops onto his gold-silk bed and sighs. "It's official, my Father will never change."

"I like people who never change," Plagg says. "Look at me, man, I love cheese and have no other significant qualities of note. I haven't changed for as long as I can remember."

* * *

_ Remember?: _

Plagg took a big old bite of some cheese on a bridge.

_ Remember?: _

On a plane.

_ Remember?: _

In the Battle of the Bulge.

_ Remember?: _

In the Fall of Pompeii.

_ Remember?: _

In the castle of Lord Tucker Creamed Chicken on Spaghetti of Milk and Donuts.

_ Remember?: _

In an ancient cave where the first homosapiens gathered around their bonfire. Many ooked and eeked in worship of the life-giving and sometimes life-ending blaze.

"The fuck?" Plagg said with his mouth full.

"Tell it that it can't control Adrien Agreste," Fluff replied, taking a nibble from her wedge. "It's the only way you have a fighting chance. Hi, Duusu, I like what you did with your human." And the time-traveling kwami vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"They're kind of adorable, aren't they, Plagg?" Confused and a little scared, Plagg turned and saw he was talking to _Duusu_. His oldest frenemy watched the prehistoric humans as a hungry tiger might watch gazelle. "In an almost so-ugly-they're-cute sort of way. I just wanna smoosh their wrinkly faces _until I hear a __**crack!**_"

Plagg swallowed his cheese. "Whoa… I kinda forgot about your _interest_ in the humans."

"Hooo-maaans?" Duusu sounded out the new word. "I like that. Yes, it fits them nicely. _Hoomen_. I wonder if the _hoomens_ are as fun to play with as they look." The kwami faced Plagg with a mad glint in its eyes. "Plagg, didn't you mention something about making a _bet_?"

* * *

_ Now: _

Plagg is back in Adrien's room. He looks suspiciously at the wedge of camembert in his arm nubs and puts it down.

"You okay?" Adrien asks.

"Uh-huh, I, uh… I think there's some mold in that cheese. We were talking about people changing?"

"Yeah," Adrien nods along, "Now that I think about it, I've changed a lot this year and made a lot of friends."

* * *

_ Remember?: _

Adrien pranced down the sidewalk, taking in the outside world. "Amazing! The street air is so comfortable! The city's air conditioner must be top-notch."

He blinked.

"Hey, wait a second! I remember this!" he excitedly said.

_ Remember?: _

Adrien shanked Marinette in the gut over a hundred times until she collapsed to the classroom floor in a pool of her own blood.

"I remember this too!" he chuckled.

_ Remember?: _

Adrien stood in the center of a group hug with all his classmates.

"We're so happy to have you here!" cooed Rose.

"You'll always be our friend," Kim added.

"Ivan like hugs!"

"This is awesome!" Adrien cheered. "WOO—"

* * *

_ Now: _

"HOOOooo...?" Adrien sits up on his bed and looks around. "Where did everybody go?"

"Cool, so it's not the cheese," Plagg says and finishes the wedge.

"Oh my Astruc!" Adrien gasps and he sparkles with joy. "Plagg, I have a new superpower! I can go back to my fondest memories and re-experience them as many times as I want!"

"Y'up! Superpower! I'm sure that's what's happening here," Plagg says like he has something to hide and fortifies himself in his camembert castle. "Let's focus completely on your memories and not mine. They have nothing but cheese in them. Yessiree, nothing but cheese and certainly not the biggest regret of my life."

"I can spend as much time as I want with Father this way!" Adrien says, too happy to notice Plagg's obviously shifty behavior.

* * *

_ Remember?: _

Adrien and his Father played the piano together, crafting beautiful music.

"Yay!" Adrien cheered.

_ Remember?: _

His Father's arms wrapped around Adrien in their first-ever hug as Ladydoll recorded.

"Yay!" Adrien cheered.

_ Remember?: _

The sexy sax music kicked into overdrive as Caline "Cucumber Sandwich" Bustier massaged Emilie "Whore D'oeuvre" Agreste's shoulders during the second half of _SOLITUDE's_ umbrella scene_. _Bustier's hands drifted lower.

"Not yay! NOT YAY!"

* * *

_ Now: _

Adrien shakes off that particular memory and runs to Plagg's castle. "This is amazing!" he says. "I wonder if I can see other people's memories."

"I-I-Interesting question," Plagg stutters and burrows deeper into his cheese. "Let's _not_ find out and never mention the word bet again."

"Bet?"

* * *

_ Remember?: _

"Yes, a bet," Duusu repeated, its sharp grin twisting.

"Fuck!" Plagg squeaked.

"The first time you saw these _hoomens_, you said you wanted to make a bet. Tell me what it is, pretty please? I do so love your games."

"No!" Plagg cried and zipped past the bonfire and into the primordial jungle. He didn't get far before Duusu popped in front of him.

"No? You're the one who brought it up. Plagg, ol' buddy, ol' pal, don't blue ball me like that. I'm the one who's supposed to be handling the _blues._ Heeheeeheeeee!"

"Forget what I said, man!" Plagg shot back. "I didn't mean it, I was talking outta my ass! There is no bet!"

* * *

_ Now: _

_BOOM!_

Plagg is brought back to the present by the room rattling. His camembert castle jiggles and collapses.

"Oh man," he hears Adrien say in slight annoyance. "Mount Paris is erupting again."

"Mount what?" Plagg flies out of the cheese and looks out the window. A massive volcano has replaced the skyline. From its top spews glowing hot magma and ash so thick it blots out the sun! "Where did that come from?" the kwami asks.

"What do you mean, Plagg?" Adrien makes a perplexed face. "Paris has always been built at the base of an active volcano. All major capitals of the world are."

"What?!"

"Yeah, all in accordance with the Doctrine of Lord Duusu, long may It reign."

Plagg goes pale, which for him is a dark grey. The kwami looks down at the streets and sees Duusu's face on every corner, humans run through alleys like wild animals and laugh like maniacs, many of their eyes are demonic shades of red and blue.

"I fucked up," Plagg mutters.

A familiar figure wielding a parasol flies by on a windy gale. Stormy Weather!

"Uh oh, looks like we also got an Akuma on our hands. Lord Duusu must be bored again," Adrien says. "Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transforms into Chat Noir.

_ Later: _

Ladybug and Chat Noir meet on a rooftop as Stormy Weather monologues to the city.

"I will use Mount Paris to propel the planet away from the sun!" the villain proclaims. "Soon the Earth will freeze over and all of humanity will be nothing but popsicles! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

_ Back in the hidden tower: _

Hawkmoth kneels before his true Master. "Does this anarchy please you, Lord Duusu?" he asks.

"Somewhat," Mayura replies with a yawn. "She's got a good plan, but it's kinda weird we're reusing villains now. Kinda lacking in the imagination department, if you know what I mean. It's times like these that I wonder what could have been if ol' Plagg told me about his bet. His game would've probably been a hundred times more original than this. Oh well, proceed."

"Fight for our Lord's amusement!" Hawkmoth orders.

_Back in the city:_

Stormy Weather, Ladybug, and Chat Noir all salute in the direction of the hidden tower. "For the entertainment of Lord Duusu!" they chant and charge at each other.

_ Meanwhile: _

Nino finds the sizzling Seine River of Lava too distracting today. He draws the curtains and returns to his study sesh with Alya.

"'Kay, so, after the conquering of Rome in the Twenty-Minute War," he reads out loud, "Lord Duusu made weekly slipping on banana peels mandatory for the entire human race."

"I could go for a banana right about now," Alya purs into his ear.

Without lowering his history textbook, he hands her a banana.

"Ugh! You're no fun anymore!"

"We broke up, Alya, get used to it."

"But, Nino, think about all the good times we had!"

* * *

_ Remember?: _

"Put on the dress!" Alya shouted, shoving the pink lacey outfit against Nino's face.

"No, I don't wanna!" he blubbered back.

"Put it on! It will please me!"

* * *

_ Now: _

Both Alya and Nino stare into the distance.

"The fuck was that?" Nino whispers.

"Good times." Alya smiles. "Hey, remember when Lord Duusu deemed us worthy to fight for his amusement?"

* * *

_ Remember?: _

Nino and Alya kneeled before Ladybug, who announced with great pomp and circumstance, "From this day forth, you shall be Rena Rouge and Carapace. When our Lord Duusu grows tired of my and Chat Noir's exploits, he will call upon you to mix things up a bit. What say you to this great calling?"

"We are but humble jesters for our Lord Duusu!" the pair replied in unison. In a razzle of orange and a glow of green, they transformed into Rena Rouge and Carapace.

Ladybug knighted them with a rubber chicken and gave them a stack of cream pies. "Go forth and amuse!"

"Hail Lord Duusu!"

* * *

_ Now: _

The bedroom door flies off its hinges and Nora storms in. "We have an Akuma Alert! We are on lockdown, flyweights!" She grabs both teens and straps them into a baby carrier on her extra-wide chest. "I packed hot milk and fruit snacks. To the bunker!"

_ Meanwhile: _

The Bee Signal shines clearly against the volcanic ash.

"Mmmph," Chloe whines and stomps her foot. "When is Lord Duusu going to give me a chance? I can be just as entertaining to watch fight as Ladybug and Chat Noir."

"Of course you are, Chloe," Sabrina praises. "You are the funniest jester of them all and could easily outfunny any Akuma that Lord Duusu sent against you. Our Lord is probably akumatizing the perfect opponent for you as we speak. You just need to have patience."

"Pa-Paaa… Paay-Chance?" Chloe stares at Sabrina as if she was talking in riddles. "What is that, some kind of hand cream? Is there a needlessly more expensive platinum version I can buy and show off with?"

"No, no, patience is when you wait your turn without getting angry."

Chloe draws back in disgust. "Are you fucking kidding me? First I had to be nice and now pay-chance? How many layers are there?! This whole being a good person thing is one of those pyramid schemes, isn't it?"

"That's not it at all, Chloe. Here, I'll show you." Sabrina pulls Chloe to a nearby sunbathing chair and sits with her.

They wait for a long time in complete silence.

"This sucks," Chloe says.

"You know what else sucks?" Stormy Weather cackles as she floats into their conversation. "You!"

"Ugh! I wasn't being mean, Aurore!" Chloe yells at the villain. "I was trying to be nice! But you and your not-rich brain couldn't get that—"

A blast from Stormy Weather's parasol freezes both Chloe and Sabrina in a block of ice! Ladybug and Chat Noir land nearby and applaud.

_Back in the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth laughs at the antics. "Hahaha! Hysterical, yes, My Lord?"

"I guess," Mayura groans.

Hawkmoth frowns at his Lord's lack of merriment. "More slapstick!" he orders.

_Back in the fight:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir obediently lay out a trail of banana peels behind them.

"Oh my, where did all these bananas come from?" Ladybug asks nobody.

"I haven't the slightest clue, LB," Chat Noir replies, "but we better go around them."

"Hurricane!" Stormy Weather bellows and torrenting gusts of wind blast out of her parasol, launching the heroes into the peels. The duo slip and slide across Paris, _accidentally_ stepping on rakes and walking face-first into pies along the way.

Hawkmoth eagerly turns to Mayura, but his Lord shows not even a hint of a smile.

"Perhaps an outsider's perspective would add an extra layer of comedy, My Lord," Hawkmoth suggests and wheels in a TV. Nadia Chamak appears on the screen behind her news desk in a ski hat.

"Don't be bemused, it's just the news. Hail Lord Duusu. If you're wondering why it's so cold next to an erupting volcano right now, that's because Lord Duusu's latest show is pushing the planet away from the sun." A live satellite feed from the International Space Station shows an astronaut shaking a fist at the now distant Earth. "Will we live or slowly die in an everlasting winter? Only our Lord Duusu knows the answers. Hail Lord Duusu. We now go to Clara who is live on the street with the fight. Clara?"

The feed switches to a field reporter wrapped from head to toe in winter gear. A mixture of slushy snow and steaming ash rain around her. "Thanks, Nadia," Clara says. "Things out here are really _heating up_. Hahaha!"

"Hahahah!" Nadia laughs with her.

"Hahahah!" Hawkmoth laughs too.

Mayura doesn't laugh. Her red eyes flash for a second and Clara's hair bursts into flames.

"AAAH! I'm sorry, Lord Duusu! Forgive me!" she wails before the picture is lost.

Mayura turns off the TV and sulks out of the hidden tower.

"M-My Lord!" Hawkmoth calls. "Don't you want to see how the battle ends?"

"Not really," Mayura groans.

Worried, Hawkmoth reaches out to Stormy Weather. "Wrap it up!" he orders.

_In the fight:_

Stormy Weather undoes her lightning-powered-hurricane-sharknado and tosses her parasol to Ladybug. "Oh no, you've defeated me," she cries.

Ladybug gets the signal and quickly de-evilizes the black butterfly. Stormy Weather transforms back to Aurore and she wholeheartedly thanks Lord Duusu for giving her the chance to entertain It.

"You gonna use Miraculous Ladybug?" Chat Noir asks.

"I didn't get the go-ahead from Hawkmoth," she shrugs. "I guess Lord Duusu prefers the world this way."

"Who are we to question It's all-knowing might," Chat Noir says with a nod as a nearby building simultaneously freezes and melts. "Until next time, Bugaboo." He sets off for home to rest up for the next battle. Before he gets far, a nearby jumbotron comes to life with Lord Duusu's lifeless face.

"Attention, humanity," It says wearily. "I'm bored. You're boring. You're boring me."

Everything got super quiet on planet Earth.

"It's been a fun couple thousands of centuries, the Spanish Inquisition alone had me laughing for months, but I've gotten all I can out of your species. Every day is the same thing, same fights, same talks about World War III but it never comes. So, I'm canceling Earth and heading out to find a new planet to play with. I'm taking all of Netflix with me. Yes, I can do that. Enjoy getting frozen to death." The screen goes dark.

"Oh no!" Chat Noir gasped. "Claws in!" In a blast of black, he transforms back into Adrien. "Plagg, please, you can convince Lord Duusu to take us with It, right?"

"Whoa..." Plagg mutters at the destruction of Paris. People panic and flee as if escaping the city would save them. "And here I thought my bet with Duusu was a mistake."

"Just my friends and family," Adrien begs. "I swear we'll be funny enough for Lord Duusu."

Plagg sighs. "Relax, man. I'll fix this." The kwami hugs the much bigger human as tightly as he can. "Just don't hold it against me, okay, man?" he pleads. "I was dumber back then. I made a lot of stupid decisions. I never thought it would go this far."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure," Adrien nods along. "We'll do anything, I'll even be Lord Duusu's personal punching bag, I have plenty of experience with LB."

Plagg smiles and gives him one more hug. "Did I ever tell you about my bet with Duusu?"

"Bet?"

* * *

_ Remember?: _

"Yes, a bet." Duusu smiled at Plagg, the bonfire glistened against its many pointed teeth. "The first time you saw these _hoomens_, you said you wanted to make a bet. Tell me what it is, pretty please? I do so love your games."

This time Plagg didn't flee. He didn't try to return the cards he'd been dealt. He looked at the humans huddling by their fire and laid out the terms. "Let's see who can enslave these humans first, Duusu. None of the other kwamis are powerful enough to stop us. We're the only ones who could possibly get in each other's way, so why not make a game out of it?"

Duusu's impossibly wide sharp grin somehow got even wider and sharper. "Oooh! I like that! I like that a lot! Let's do it, buddy!"

"We can sabotage one another as much as we like," Plagg continued, "but absolutely no revealing each other's identities, no ratting each other out."

"Fine, fine, whatever!" Duusu agreed, eager to start. "What are we playing for? Winner gets to shove the planet into the sun?"

"Bragging rights."

"Even better! Hahahaahah! Plagg, this is going to be so much fun! Shake on it?"

Duusu offered its arm nub, a tongue of hellfire engulfed the mad kwami's palm.

Plagg hesitated. There was a nagging feeling that he'd forgotten a detail.

_BLAM!_

Fluff appeared between them in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and said, "I know, good, right? It's called cheese. They won't discover it for another couple thousand years and you are going to love it. See ya." She left just as quickly as she came in another blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"Adrien Agreste," Plagg said.

"What's that?" Duusu asked. "What's an ad-reeen ug-wrist? Is it that thing Fluff told you about when she brought you that gooey sheez stuff?"

"You'll know him when you meet him, Duusu. You can't control Adrien Agreste. That's part of the bet."

"Seriously? That's not fair! Why do only you get hints from the future?" Duusu scowled. It harrumphed like Plagg remembered it would. He waited for Duusu to have its fit and to agree like he also remembered. Duusu suddenly clapped. "I get to add my own crazy condition to the bet."

Plagg's heart stopped.

"I can't control Ad-reeen Ug-wrist, fine! How about their loved ones?"

Plagg all at once recalled this last part as it unfolded before him.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that!" Duusu went on, gathering more and more mania. "How about every time Ad-reeen Ug-wrist touches their one true love, they die! Not just anyone they love, their _one true love_. There's a difference."

"Oh my Astruc..." Plagg muttered in horror.

"No, wait, that's too quick if they just die. Where's the twist? The pizzazz?" Duusu pondered. "OOOH! I know! Their one true love comes back to life after Ad-reeen Ug-wrist touches them again. As long as you're by Ad-reeen Ug-wrist's side, Plagg, the next touch kills them again! Over and over and over! And it'll only stop when—"

"They confess their love to each other," Plagg finished with dread.

"Haha! Yes! You know me so well, Plagg. I'm a sucker for romance." Duusu licked its fangs and offered Plagg its burning palm again. "Deal?"

Again Plagg hesitated. He'd forgotten all about Duusu's addendum to the bet. It had meant nothing when he'd first made the bet, just random names Fluff mentioned, but now... The urge to change it was strong, but the memories of what the world had become when he messed with time were stronger.

"Deal," he said.

"No takesies-backsies!" Duusu shook Plagg's arm nub and both kwamis were enveloped in flames.

The past was restored.

"I hope this Ad-reeen Ug-wrist loves dead bodies," Duusu snickered. "I know I do. HAHAHAAHAHA!"

"I'll enslave humanity before you, Duusu," Plagg said. "Just wait and see."

* * *

_ Now: _

"Wow, what a battle!" Adrien cheers as he enters his bedroom. "The way M'Lady used that pencil to defeat Stormy Weather was a true stroke of genius, wasn't it, Plagg?"

There's no answer. Adrien turns to his kwami and finds the little guy gazing off into the distance with a look the boy had never seen him make before. For the first time since they met, Plagg looks serious.

"I'll be right back, man," he says and floats through the ceiling.

_A few blocks away:_

"I am Recap-er, the ultimate Akuma of all time! None of you will escape my wrath!" Recap-er brags on the Eiffel Tower while waving his glittery incorrectly filed tax returns. Without a word, Plagg grabs those tax returns and tears them apart. A little black butterfly flutters out.

"Cataclysm," Plagg mutters. A pea-sized ball of destruction appears on his arm nub and he carefully pokes the butterfly with it.

The insect explodes with enough ferocity to carve a hole in the atmosphere and send several airplanes off course. Thankfully, no one was hurt, unless you count Pluto which was obliterated.

"There," Plagg said. "Back to normal."

_ Meanwhile: _

Hawkmoth could sense it too. Recap-er was gone. The threat was over. The world was as it should be.

"Thank Astruc," he wheezed. "Nathalie, it's over, we're good."

Nathalie gave a shaky thumbs-up from her nearly full blood bucket.

_ Later: _

Marinette walked down the street. The _wrongness_ of the world that was somehow causing that memory jumping had gone away on its own and was now a distant bad dream. She may never understand what had happened today but that didn't matter to the girl as she approached the Agreste Mansion gates, Adrien's schoolwork in her arms. Normally, this sort of trip would send her heart fluttering with every step closer to her Adrien, but today was different. Today, in her palm, she held the lucky charm Adrien had given to her for her birthday.

"He really made this for me, Tikki?" she asked.

"For the trillionth time, yes!" the kwami grumbled from her purse. "How is this hard to grasp?"

It was hard because Marinette had never considered it possible. She had always thought her feelings would've been one-sided. She never conceived that her Adrien would return any of her affection and yet here was physical proof that he cared. This one trinket represented how far she'd come. With a heartfelt sigh, Marinette put Adrien's lucky charm in her pocket where it would stay for years to come.

She rang the doorbell. The robo-eye popped out and glared at her. "What is it?" Nathalie's voice asked.

"H-Hello!" Marinette stuttered. "I have Adrien's notes and homework that he missed today. If you'd open the gate, I'll come in and—"

The mail chute below the robo-eye opened.

"Oh." Marinette realized this was as close to her Adrien as she was going to get. "Just a second." Marinette stuck a blank sticky-note to the schoolwork and pulled out a pencil. "'See you tomorrow at school,'" she wrote out loud. "'Love, your friend, Marinette.'"

She re-read the message and frowned. She twirled the pencil around and firmly erased something.

Satisfied, Marinette began to put the package in the chute. But then she stopped. She glanced up at the robo-eye with firm resolution. "Can you tell Adrien something? Tell him that it's from Marinette, his friend, from school, and… and… and… and tell him thank you for the charm. It helps. It really does. Just having it close makes it feel like he's here with me."

The little robo-eye didn't move for a moment. Marinette believed she hadn't been heard. Little did she know, Nathalie had more than heard her. The woman had been moved to unexpected tears. In Marinette's words, she had heard an ever so familiar pining, sincere longing, an unfulfilled desire she also held for a different Agreste. There truly was nothing more precious than young love.

"I… I will. I will tell him," Nathalie finally replied with a just barely contained sniffle.

"Thank you." Marinette finally put the schoolwork in the chute and turned to leave but then suddenly whipped back around. "Oh! Wait! One last thing!"

"Yes?"

Marinette's innocent nervous smile dropped to a dark ferocious grimace. She grabbed the robo-eye's robo-arm and wrenched the machine close. "I know you re-gifted my fucking scarf, you bitch," she said in a voice so cold that the mechanical eye's circuitry froze over. Through that ice, Marinette's claws pierced and shattered many wires. Heavy breathing fogged the glass but her fangs were clear for anyone to see. "Old me let it slide, but I've changed since then. I'm a new Marinette Fucking Dupain-Cheng and the Universe isn't around anymore to cover your ass. _You have the tits pull that merde again, (__**and I will fuck you up. We understand each other?")**_

The robo-eye nodded fearfully.

_**("Good. I'm taking your robot.")**_ She ripped the eye out of the wall and left.

Nathalie stared at the static on her computer, sweat dripping down her neck. "Duusu," she whispered. "What did you do to her?"

The little blue kwami smirked on her shoulder. "Same thing I'm doing to you," it sang.

Nathalie trembled and puked up more blood.

"I know, I'm excited too. Parallel storylines, yeah!"

_Later, in Adrien's room:_

Plagg returned and went straight to his camembert castle.

"Where did you go?" Adrien asked. "Something happened to my power, I can't go back anymore. I was just about to remember all the romantic moments I had with Ladybug."

"That sucks, man," Plagg replied, pulling out his Master Plan book. "But, you know, it isn't the end of the world." Plagg erased the _Win the bet against Duusu_ step and flipped to the last page. He solemnly scribbled the final step to his Master Plan. "Not yet anyway."

_[_] — Conquer and enslave humanity before Duusu_

He shut the tome and whispered sadly to himself, "Mastermind Plotter for the win, baby."

Nathalie entered, rather shaken.

"Uh, you alright, Nathalie?" Adrien asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"More like my future," she murmured to herself. Nathalie shook away the jitters and placed Adrien's schoolwork on his desk. "Your friend Marinette dropped off what you missed today in class."

"Oh cool." Adrien gladly took the stack of papers.

"She copied it by hand and made sure all of the homework was there," Nathalie added.

"That was nice of her."

"She also wanted me to tell you..." Nathalie paused and braced herself for the emotional rollercoaster. A new wave of tears was already threatening to fall but she held them in. "She wanted me to tell you, 'thank you for the charm.' That, 'it really helps her and just having it close makes it feel like you're there with her.'"

"Wow," Adrien remarked, his kind smile never fading. "I'm glad she likes the gift so much. Well, I better get started on my homework. Thanks, Nathalie." He cracked open the schoolwork and got to studying.

Nathalie stood there, stupefied by his nonreaction to what had been one of the greatest love confessions she had ever heard in her entire life. Then she remembered whose kid this was. With a heavy groan, she slammed the schoolwork shut, peeled the sticky note off the cover, and stuck it to his face.

Holding the sticky note there, she looked him straight in the eye. "You should spend time with Marinette as a thank you," she said. Then she added under her breath, "And to slow her possession."

Her mission now complete, Nathalie left.

Adrien pulled off the note and gave it a read. "'See you tomorrow at school. L—'" Adrien's jaw was petrified.

"'L—'"

A pinprick of fire ignited on his cheek where a soft pair of lips had brushed not too long ago.

"'L—'"

The flames spread like a wildfire.

"'Love, Marinette.'"

Plagg exploded through the camembert parapet. "Who wrote what now?" he asked.

Adrien stormed across his room and pulled aside the portrait over the fireplace of him kissing Ladybug. He pressed his hand to the fingerprint scanner in the wall and typed in the super-secret password. The hiss of hydraulic locks unsealing could be heard in the walls and a camouflaged safe clicked open. Strapping on a medical mask and a pair of rubber gloves, Adrien carefully pulled out the lead-lined box. He tried to keep his hands steady enough to twist the box's dial, but it was no use. Plagg had to phase in and unlock it for him. The box opened and, using a pair of tongs, Adrien extracted a simple heart-shaped piece of red paper.

The unsigned Valentine's Day poem.

Like a dog hunting the scent, Adrien examined the handwriting of the poem and the sticky note carefully, specifically the word 'love.' Back and forth his head swiveled and Plagg could see his mind struggling to connect the dots.

"Frieeeennd," Adrien moaned out, jabbing Marinette's sticky note with a finger. "Looooooove," he droned, tearing his hair at the poem. "Frieeeeeeend… Loooooooooove… Frieeeeeeend… Loooooooooove… Frieeeeeeend… Loooooooooove…"

The gears were turning, _slowly,_ but they were turning. Plagg could hear them grinding now, he could see the exhaust spilling out of the boy's ears.

Adrien raised the messages into the air like holy relics. His eyes widened in revelation. He brought the two papers together, overlapping the word 'love.' The way the word was written—the slash of the L, the swoop of the OV, the curve of the E—they were carbon copies.

"Frieeeeeeeeeeeend… Looooooooooooooooove… me?"

Adrien dropped to the floor, out cold.

"Whoa!" Plagg said. He flew down and gave Adrien a few slaps. "Yo, man, you okay?"

Almost immediately Adrien sat back up. "Hey, Plagg," he said casually. He saw the love poem on the floor. "What the— What's this doing out here? Plagg, you know I want to keep this safe," Adrien scolded as he stuffed it back into the lead-lined box.

"But-But—" Plagg stammered as he noticed the sticky note was now stuck to the poem and went into the box with it.

"No buts, Plagg, unless it's a photo of Ladybug's," Adrien continued as he slid the box into the safe and slammed it shut.

"You—th-the note!"

"What note?" Adrien asked as the painting flipped back into place and the hydraulic locks sealed. "Oh look! My homework! I should get started on that." Adrien cracked open the stack of papers and muttered to himself, "I wonder who dropped this off for me."

Plagg watched the human study and for the first time since Pompeii gave a shit.

"You humans are really good at this denial thing."

END

_I always liked the idea of a villain who doesn't want to be a villain._


	25. 22 Onii-Chan Daisuki!

_My secret? I have no shame._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_SPACE SCHOOL!_

_{Yes... the little frog had to _hop_ to it...}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 22: Onii-Chan Daisuki!  
_By: I Write Big

A person's home life is revealing. Let's take a look at Lila Rossi's. Her home was empty. Not a soul in sight except the young girl. There was nothing waiting for her that morning except for a cold breakfast on the table and a message on her phone.

"Hi, darling!" her mom's pre-recorded voice sang out. "I got called back to the embassy very early and I probably won't be back until the weekend. I stocked the fridge with food that should last you a month just in case the job goes longer. I'll be too busy to take any calls so stick my photo to the dummy-parent and talk to that if cabin fever sets in. Maybe your dad will return with those cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago and he can keep you company. Who knows? Love you to bits, my angel, bye!" The message ended with a beep that echoed through the cavernous abandoned halls. No one to hear it except one neglected lonely girl.

Well, maybe not that lonely.

"Woohooo! Another month without parental supervision!" Lila whooped. "I love having no adults around! Time to fuck this city up!"

Lila turned on some hard-rock party music and proceeded to turn the apartment into a mosh pit, smashing furniture left and right to smithereens. Once her home had effectively become a war zone, Lila grabbed her school bag and headed out.

"You made this mess," she lied to a potted plant and they believed her.

_ Outside: _

Lila pranced down the street, free as a bird. "Morning!" she pleasantly said to a nearby street vendor before clearly taking their jar of tips. "She stole your money," she lied, pointing to a completely innocent mime. The street vendor started to beat the crap out of the mime.

Lila chuckled and tapped the shoulder of a garbage collector. "Hi there, did you ever notice how the sky is purple?" she lied again.

The garbage collector craned his head back. "Huh. Well, what do you know? It is purple. I always thought it was blue."

"I'm first in line," Lila lied, cutting in front of over twenty people at a café. "I also eat for free, the manager said so," she lied once more to the cashier.

"I am the manager," the cashier replied with a stern straight face.

Lila's smile dropped.

The cashier laughed. "Sorry, our free food deal must've slipped my mind, girl I've never met." The cashier happily handed her a free coffee and croissant. "Have a nice day."

She took her on-the-house meal and skipped outside. It was another good day for Lila Rossi.

"S'up, Lila."

Nino's voice behind her made the girl freeze. She did her best to put away her sly grin and quickly began to shed tears. "Oh, Nino, it's terrible! Awful! My mom wants me to go with her to this super exclusive Save The Whales embassy function. She says I'm the only one who can rescue the species from extinction, but I am just so swamped with catching up on my schoolwork after defending the world for a semester. I'm just going to have to tell her no, the whales will just have to die."

"That's a bummer, dude," Nino nodded sympathetically. "But, hey, I could totally help you catch up, no problemo. I'm great at study seshes! I'm actually thinking about becoming a professional tutor."

"No, you're not," Lila lied through gritted teeth.

"I'm not?"

"Nope, you're terrible at studying, the worst in France, and you're never going to pursue a career in education."

"As you command, Lila the Glorious," Nino replied, prostrating himself at her feet.

"You know who could help me? Adrien!" Lila said as if this wasn't her plan the entire time. "You should ask him for me and make it sound like it was his idea."

"It shall be done! All hail Lila! Praise be to Lila!" And her footsoldier set off to complete his task.

* * *

_ Later: _

Classes were over and the students were heading home. Lila took extra-long to pack her bag and made herself look extra pathetic. "Oh woe is me," she whined and collapsed on her desk. "I have but one day to cram all this learning. Whatever shall I do?"

"Hey, Lila," Adrien said, taking the bait. "Nino told me about your problem. I can still help you study if you want."

"Really? You are a lifesaver, Adrien! Thank you so much!"

"Of course! And while we're studying, I can get you to stop lying so much with the power of friendship!"

"You definitely will," Lila lied.

Nearby, Alya was just about to leave the room when she noticed Marinette was no longer next to her. She glanced up the aisle of desks and saw the bluenette crawling towards Lila.

"Damn that booty look fine," Alya purred and followed her.

Marinette tightened her grip on the shoelaces she'd tied into a garrote wire and readied herself for the strike.

"What'cha doing?" Alya asked.

Marinette jumped and accidentally ripped her murder weapon in half. "I wasn't going to kill her!"

"Hahah! Relax, Marinette," Alya consoled. "You've got nothing to worry about. Nino told me that our Lord and Saviour Lila definitely doesn't have the hots for Adrien."

"Do you hear yourself?" Marinette whisper-shouted back. "You are all worshipping Lila like she's your queen or your god! How is this not worrying you?!"

"I don't need to worry anymore. Lila, She who is Wise and most Honest, will tell me if I must worry," Alya droned back like a zombie.

"What is happening to you?!"

A few seats away, Lila was sealing the deal. "My building just burned down and is infested with werewolves. Let's study at your place. In your bedroom. On your bed."

"Mmmph, my Father would never allow that," Adrien replied. "He kidnaps and interrogates the mailman twice a week, he's not going to let a complete stranger into his home."

"He will after I talk to him." Lila grinned and dragged Adrien out of the classroom. Marinette was hot on their tail.

_ Outside: _

Marinette and Alya watched from the school gate as Ape-Man stopped Lila from getting in the Agreste limo.

"Ha!" Marinette cackled. "There's no way Adrien's bodyguard will let her—WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Ape-Man not only opened the car door for Lila but carried her to her seat and gave her a mani-pedi while he was at it.

"How is she doing this?!" Marinette demanded.

"You worry too much, Marinette," Alya droned on. "You don't need to worry anymore. Lila, She Who Knows and Tells All, does the worrying for us now. You should try it."

"Alya, please, snap out of it! I seriously need invasive blogger Alya right now. I need you!"

"Does Lila say you need me?"

"GAAAH!" Without any more options, Marinette took a deep breath and smooshed her face between Alya's boobs. After a good motorboating, she pulled back and looked desperately at Alya.

"That was nice," Alya said blankly. "Praise be to Lila."

Marinette stepped back in horror from the shell of her former friend. She was on her own. The girl dashed down the street in pursuit of the Agreste limo. She grabbed Juleka's bike and rode away with it. "Lila says I need this!" she shouted.

"Okay. Praise be to Lila," Juleka sighed.

Marinette pedaled as hard she could to keep the limo within her sights. As they sped along, Tikki popped out. "So, I've been part of several cults in my time, was even the god of a few, but I have never seen this level of blind worship," she said.

"I know!" Marinette wailed. "Just imagine what will happen if Lila indoctrinates Adrien's dad!"

The limo pulled into the Agreste grounds and, with the grace of a three-legged drunk horse, Marinette crashed into the wrought iron gates. She watched as Lila and Adrien ascended the front steps towards Nathalie, who was much paler and thinner than Marinette remembered.

"Hello, Nathalie," Adrien greeted. "You're looking a little under the weather today."

"Just a case of knock-knock joke migraines," the assistant dizzily groaned back and, without wanting to, asked, "Knock knock?"

"Um… who's there?" Adrien replied.

Nathalie noticed Lila for the first time and her eyes shot open. "Intruder!"

Steel bars sprouted from the ground, caging Lila. Dozens of radioactive mimes leaped from the bushes and aimed their invisible laser rifles at the girl. Toothless landed on the mansion's roof and belched electric-fire at her.

"Actually, I'm not an intruder," Lila lied.

Nathalie raised a hand. The mimes and Toothless lowered their weapons. "You're not?" she asked.

"I'm actually here to study with Adrien so I can catch up on all my schoolwork."

"I couldn't give less of a fuck about your grades." Nathalie lowered her hand and all the weapons re-aimed at Lila.

"AH! UH! DID I SAY _MY_ GRADES? I MEANT _ADRIEN'S_ GRADES! THEY'RE SLIPPING! HORRIBLY! HE'S DUMB! VERY DUMB! AND HE NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET!"

Nathalie considered Adrien. The boy stood there, smiling like an idiot.

"Very well," she finally said and signaled the security to return to their posts. "You may enter and help Adrien with his studies. But only for 30 minutes, understood?"

"30? He'll barely last 2," Lila replied with a sultry smirk.

"What was that?"

"I said, thank you! Come on, Adrien!" Lila dragged the boy inside.

"HOW THE FUCK?!" Marinette roared. Her breathing became rabid, her claws sprouted, her eyes flashed red and blue. The Beast snarled like a lion and dug its sharp nails into the stone wall. It began to scale the five-story obstacle with ease. But then it felt something in its pocket. Curious, The Beast reached inside and pulled out Adrien's lucky charm. The moment it saw the birthday gift, The Beast felt Adrien at its side and calm washed over its erratic heart.

"What the—?" Marinette blinked her perfectly normal eyes and looked around. She suddenly noticed she was pretty high up in the air. "GAAAAH!" she screamed.

* * *

_ Inside: _

Lila sprinted into Adrien's room. "Aha! And here we finally are..." Lila grinned at her conquest. She'd almost succeeded. The victory was nearly hers. Then her sights fell on Adrien's massive collection of Ladybug body pillows.

"Oh!"

The thousands of Ladybug action figures.

"Oh."

And the newly installed wallpaper and the life-sized portrait of Chat Noir and Ladybug kissing.

"Oh..." The corner of Lila's sly grin twitched. "You're still into Ladybug, huh?"

"Yeah, she's so amazing," Adrien said dreamily.

"You have great taste," Lila lied.

* * *

_ Outside: _

"GAAAAAAH!" Marinette continued to scream, still high up on the wall like a cat stuck in a tree. "Somebody help me!"

There was a screech of tires behind her. Marinette twisted her head around and saw a cobra-themed firetruck.

"What's going on here?" Fire Chief Cobra Commander asked. "How did you get up there, little lady? COBRA!"

"I don't know!" Marinette cried. "I was chasing this evil lying bitch and then I woke up like this! Get me down! My left hand is stuck!"

"Hold on, I'll get the ladder. COBRA!"

* * *

_ Inside: _

"Wow, so this is your bed?" Lila asked, slowly stretching herself onto the euro-embroidered quilt. She made extra sure to show off the goods and faced the boy in her best come-hither pose. "It's _so soft_ and _comfy_, Adrien. Why don't you show me the best way to _relax?_" Lila discreetly got her camera ready and waited for the boy to join her.

"That bed is way too comfortable, Lila," Adrien said, opening his textbooks at his desk. "You'll never get any studying done there."

"I know," Lila said huskily as she slowly unbuttoned her blouse. "That's the point. Get it?"

Adrien stared at her exposed lacey purple bra with a perplexed look. "Oh! Is it too hot in here for you? Don't worry, I'll adjust the air conditioner."

Lila laid there, half-naked, and watched Adrien fiddle with the thermostat. A blast of frigid air made her shiver violently and button herself back up.

"Better?" Adrien asked.

"Much. Thank you," Lila lied and came to the conclusion that Adrien wouldn't do what she wanted even if she stripped everything and bent over. This would require a more subtle hand. She marched to the desk and opened her textbook.

* * *

_Later, outside:_

"—and it's like no matter how crazy the lie is everybody just believes her!" Marinette complained, tears streaming down her face.

"She's really that scheming?" Fire Chief Cobra Commander asked as he continued to chisel Marinette's hand out of the wall. "You really care about this boy, don't you? COBRA!"

Marinette sniffled and nodded.

Fire Chief Cobra Commander sighed heavily. "Look, kid, I'm not saying this lying girl doesn't sound like bad news, but you're taking this crush thing too far. Love is great, don't get me wrong, but it's not like you're predestined to spend the rest of your life with the first person you have feelings for. That's Disney crap! You can love anyone. Someone who isn't constantly involved with terrible people. Someone who doesn't put you through all this stress. Someone who doesn't get you stuck in a wall when you're trying to save them. What I'm trying to say is maybe you should rethink this and ask yourself, 'Am I happy?'"

Marinette stared at the Fire Chief for a long time. In the back of her mind, a particular blue-haired guitarist appeared. And in a deep, _deep_ dark corner that thought it vaguely remembered something about a tiger-raptor appeared a blonde boy in black leather.

"Fuck you!" she spat and headbutted Fire Chief Cobra Commander off the ladder.

"COBRA!" he squealed on the way down.

Marinette nabbed the chisel with her free hand before it fell too and resumed carving her escape.

* * *

_Much later, inside:_

Nathalie poked her head into the room and, after spitting into her blood bucket, announced that the 30 minutes were up. It was time for Lila to go home.

"Oh no, that flew by so fast," Lila whined. "We should take a selfie together to remember how fun this was, Adrien."

"Sure, Lila," he readily agreed.

Lila's sly grin returned. She raised her camera. "Okay, now get in close. Take off your shirt and I'll straddle your lap. There we go. Lemme just smear some of my lipstick on your cheeks and some rouge on your neck and collarbone to look like hickies."

"Hickies?"

"Yeah, everyone's putting hickies in their selfies these days, Adrien. All done. Now you put your hand here."

"Um, Lila, that's your butt. Are you sure this is how friends take selfies?"

"Y'up, keep your hand right there. No, no, the buttcheek that's in the frame. Perfect! Give it a firm squeeze and hold it. Harder. Good. Final step, Adrien, make a really happy face."

"Like this?" Adrien smiled at the camera.

"Close. Try tilting your head back, hanging your tongue out the side of your mouth, and rolling your eyes into the back of your head."

"Ooh, you mean an ahegao face? Mother taught me how to do that." Adrien obliged and pulled a face that would've made Pornhub blush.

"Wow, you are an expert at this modeling thing. Oops! I almost forgot!" Lila uncapped a permanent marker and wrote _Property of Lila Rossi_ on Adrien's rock-hard abs and drew an arrow pointing to his crotch. She pressed herself against the boy and aimed her camera. "Here we go. On three say, 'That was the best sex of my life!' One, two, three!"

_ Outside: _

Marinette reached the top of the wall, her stone-encased fist pounded her chest in triumph.

_Bzzt._

She checked her phone and saw... _the photo_...

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed and fell backward off the wall.

_Meanwhile at the park:_

Kagami was practicing her kendo sword fighting when her phone rumbled. She saw there was a text waiting for her.

"Oh, you fighting your phone now?" her mom mockingly asked from the park bench. "Must be nice being able to read text messages with eyes that actually work."

"Apologies, okaa-san, I will read it after practice."

"You don't get off that easy, Kagami. You know the rules. You want to read that text..." Mrs. Tsurugi rose to her feet and with one swipe of her white cane sliced the park bench in half. "...You have to win the right."

"Hai." Kagami raised her sword and charged.

_Meanwhile, in the cathedral:_

"Oh, you would be so proud of Adrien, Emi-poo," Gabriel said to his wife's glass coffin. "He's grown into such a responsible young man. I used to think I needed to protect him from the world but he's shown me that he's very mature for his age and can handle himself."

Emilie continued being a corpse.

"Yes, yes, you're right. I'm ashamed to admit it but, for a while there, I thought Adrien was so naive and innocent that he was going to be tricked into working in porn like you. Silly me. Heheheh."

_Bzzt._

"Why do I keep getting texts from teenage girls?" he mumbled.

He opened the message.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—!"

_ Upstairs: _

Lila smugly headed for the mansion's front door. The mass text she had just sent had no doubt cemented her social status. Mission accomplished.

Lila paused.

In the distance, she heard a faint scream. It, along with the pounding of footsteps, was growing stronger.

"—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The door nearest to her detonated into splinters! When the dust settled, she saw in the door's place stood Gabriel Agreste.

He wasn't happy.

"_You…_" he seethed at the girl with more hatred than Lila thought humanly possible. "You have a ten-second head start."

Lila blinked. "...Wha?"

"Nine… Eight… Seven..."

Lila booked it out of there.

"SixFiveFourThreeTwoOne! Nathalie, unleash everything."

His assistant gulped at her desk. "E-Everything, sir?"

"EVERYTHING!"

"Yeah!" shouted Duusu. "That's what I'm talking about, Gabe! WOO! LET'S PARTY!"

Nathalie nervously reached under her chair and pressed the big red button labeled _The Whole Enchilada!_

_ Outside: _

Air raid sirens rang out. Alarm bells clanged. The grinding and whirring of mechanical monstrosities coming to life echoed behind Lila. She had no clue what was about to come after her and she was too terrified to find out. She only knew two things for certain.

She had made a terrible mistake and she needed to run.

Lila scrambled past the pile of trash bags Marinette was currently buried in. The bluenette burst from her nest and glared daggers at her target, the slut who had stolen her Adrien's purity, She-Who-Must-Die! A guttural growl rumbled from her throat.

"Tikki..."

The kwami shrugged. "I don't care. Go for it."

"Tikki, spots on!"

_In Gabriel's office:_

"Robo-lizard-ninjas en route, sir," Nathalie reported, nearing the end of the long list of their arsenal. "Carl the Living Tornado and the army of mutated sewer mega-rats have been let out of their cages, and we've officially hired the Predator. That's everything we've got."

Gabriel glowered out the window at his army. "No," he said. "Not everything." He headed for the mini-elevator.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the park:_

Over half of the trees had been cut down. At the center of the destruction, Kagami laid under a painful pile of logs.

"Better," her mom scoffed. "But you still have a long way to go before you reach Super-Kawaii-Desu-Saiyan-3. You may answer your phone, Kagami." Mrs. Tsurugi powered down and turned to walk away like a badass but tripped on a rock.

Kagami extracted herself from the wood and, at last, opened the text.

What she saw enraged her.

_ Meanwhile: _

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a crying dad.

"My boy! My perfect boy!" Hawkmoth wept at the sky. "I will avenge you!" He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

The dark messenger fluttered across Paris until it found the smokey remains of the park. The other half of the park that had survived the mother-daughter duel was now obliterated and the once green grass had been burnt black. Mrs. Tsurugi lounged on a nearby boulder.

"Kagami, you feel that?" she asked. "Is it just me or is this park more breezy?"

Kagami didn't respond. She stared at the destruction she'd caused with stone-cold silence. The girl chucked away the splintery remains of her kendo sword and pulled from her pocket a photo album. She flipped through the pages of her memories with Adrien. Her and Adrien in the emergency room after their bloody first duel as friends. Her and Adrien performing the traditional friend ritual of 'going to the movies.' Her and Adrien outside the tattoo parlor behind Buckingham Palace. Queen Elizabeth had been kind enough to take their photo that night. And on the final page, she found a carefully preserved rose. The same rose Adrien had given her all those weeks ago. The rose she had received from her first true friend.

The rose she'd received from her first… true… lo—

The black butterfly shattered on the flower. A pair of neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"No more Mr. Nice Hawkmoth," Hawkmoth snarled. "Oni-Chan, track this Lila Rossi down and make sure never goes near Adrien Agreste ever again!"

"I will bring you her head on a silver platter, Hawkmoth."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up there, Kill Bill! On a silver platter?" Hawkmoth sputtered, aghast. "What? Are you crazy? No, don't kill her! She's a kid! Just, you know, scare her until she promises to leave Adrien alone. Jeez, did I really sound like I wanted Lila dead?"

Kagami said nothing.

Hawkmoth went pale. "Uh oh." He flipped open the head of his majestic cane and dialed. "Nathalie, did you send everything we had to _kill_ Lila?"

He pressed the cane to his ear and listened.

"No, Nathalie, it was not _implied_!"

As Hawkmoth played damage control, Kagami was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a demonic swordsman with a rhino horn on her forehead!

_Later, at Adrien's room:_

Adrien was having a hard time scrubbing off the _Property of Lila Rossi_ message when an intruder vaulted through the window.

"Friend Adrien! I am Oni-Chan!" the villain proclaimed. "And I—" She saw his Adrigami tattoo and then she saw what he was doing to his very distracting and very soapy bod. Oni-Chan now understood what the Westerners meant by "Washboard Abs."

"Hello, Oni-Chan," Adrien said innocently.

Keeping her gaze on the ceiling, Oni-Chan forced the boy to put his shirt back and pushed him onto his bed.

"What are we going to do on the bed, Oni-Chan?" he asked.

"You are going to stay here, Friend Adrien, while I hunt down Lila and make sure she never harms you again." The Akuma held up her phone and showed him... _the photo..._

"Harm me? That's just a selfie. Nobody got hurt."

Oni-Chan ran her rose-thorn-covered sword through his mattress. "I GOT HURT!" With a homicidal roar, she dove out the window.

Adrien gawked at the destruction she'd caused. "Plagg, did I do something wrong?"

"I know the signs, man," Plagg said with great wisdom. "These are the beginning stages of a superpowered catfight between all the chicks who are into you."

"Into me? But I'm not dating anyone! I don't have a girlfriend!" Adrien argued.

"You think reality matters to teenage girls? Not even a little, man. There will be blood."

"We have to stop this. Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir and chased after Oni-Chan.

* * *

_Many blocks away:_

Lila ducked into an alleyway and held her breath as the robo-lizard-ninjas scurried past. She'd barely managed to avoid the giant cyborg moth and the flock of mace-wielding hawkmen. Nowhere was safe, she had no place to hide.

"Lila..." something whispered from the deeper recesses of the alley. Lila glanced at the voice and prayed it was friendly. From the shadows stepped…

"Ladybug?" Lila scoffed in disgust. "I don't need _you_ to save me."

"Wasn't planning to." Ladybug slid open her yo-yo and showed... _the photo..._

"...Fuck."

Lila ran into the street. Toothless immediately spotted her and belched electric-fire at the girl. Lila pumped her legs as hard as she could and barely stayed ahead of the attack. Then she made the mistake of looking over her shoulder. Surfing on the waves of crackling plasma was Ladybug, a polka-dotted harbinger of death.

"AAAH!" Lila screamed. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's not my fault! I can't help it! I don't know how it works, but people believe anything I say. Watch." She called down the street to Jagged Stone, "Hey, you're bald!"

Jagged Stone gasped in horror and ran his hand through his still present locks. "No! Me mane! Me gorgeous mane! I'm hideous!"

Ladybug cracked her knuckles and dove at the dead girl.

_WHAM!_

Oni-Chan rammed against Ladybug and tackled her to the sidewalk. The two grabbed each other's throats.

"Stay out of my way, Ladybug! Lila is mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

Both stopped.

"Wait, you want to kill her too?" Ladybug asked eagerly.

"Uh… no, I only want her to promise to leave Adrien alone."

Ladybug glared at the Akuma. "Wimp! Stay out of my way!"

_Back in the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth massaged his head. "I never thought I'd say this. Oni-Chan, protect Lila from Ladybug at all costs. She loves Adrien and will tear her to shreds."

Nathalie whispered something into his ear.

"What do you mean you can't recall any of the security measures? How is that possible?!"

Duusu whistled innocently in the corner.

_Back in the fight:_

Chat Noir arrived. "M'Lady, I'm here! Are you ready to defeat the Akuma and save Lila?"

"Not exactly." Ladybug chucked Oni-Chan at him and charged after Lila. "COME BACK HERE, YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE!"

* * *

_Later, in another park:_

Lila, out of breath and sweaty, leaned against a tree to recover. "I… I think I got away," she said to herself.

_SMAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!_

The building on the far side of the park collapsed and out of the rubble stepped... Ladybug!

"AAAAH!" Lila dropped the ground and crawled backward as the "hero" stomped toward her. "Please! Stop! Just let me go! I'll never go near Adrien again!"

"It's too late for that," Ladybug said and raised a fist.

"Bugaboo!" Chat Noir landed between them. "Take it easy! You need to calm down!"

"I am calm," Ladybug said with the disturbing _calm_ he'd witnessed when she'd hunted his Father.

"Oh boy..." Chat Noir drew his battle staff and readied to defend himself.

While this was going on, Lila got up and bolted for the street. She immediately ran into Oni-Chan. The villain raised her weapon, aimed for Lila's skull, and gently tapped her forehead. A glowing red dot appeared on the girl's skin.

"Done," the Akuma said, rather proud of herself.

Lila waited to die.

She didn't.

"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" Oni-Chan asked in what was a very non-threatening manner.

Unsure what the villain's plan was, Lila got the hell out of there.

_ Later: _

Lila spotted a police car approaching and waved frantically. "Officer! Help! Help me!"

Officer Roger stopped the car and rolled down the window. "What's the problem here?"

"I have no idea why but there's an Akuma and this army of monsters after me! You have to protect—"

Somebody tapped Lila's shoulder. Trembling like a leaf, she turned and found the motherfucking Predator!

"Eep!"

The alien hunter checked its space-phone and asked in its clicky, garbled, computerized voice, "Lila Rossi?"

"Um… no?"

"Okay, sorry for bothering you." And the Predator leaped away.

"Officer Roger, you have to protect me!" Lila screamed.

"Get in. I can keep you safe down at the precinct." Lila climbed aboard and Roger peeled off. "So, you wanna stop by the hardware store and grab a saw for that horn of yours?" he eventually asked.

"Horn? What horn?" Lila looked in the rearview mirror and screeched. A sharp red horn was growing out of her forehead, right where Oni-Chan had poked her.

It started to glow.

_Back in the fight:_

"M'Lady, please, let's just talk this out!" Chat Noir implored as he battered back Ladybug's yo-yo.

"There's nothing to talk about!" Ladybug roared. "Lila stole Adrien from me! She must die!"

"I agree," Oni-Chan called out from the sidelines while drinking some relaxing jasmine tea.

"Stole him from you?" Chat Noir asked as he tangled the yo-yo string in his spinning staff. "You talking about that selfie? I don't get it. What part of that pic says he's taken?"

Ladybug pushed him to the ground and slid open her yo-yo. "Use your eyes, dumbass!" She shoved in his face... _the photo_...

Chat Noir peered carefully at it.

"The lighting?" he guessed.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

As Ladybug bellowed, Oni-Chan's horn glowed and she was replaced in a flash of red with… Officer Roger!

"—and that's the secret to making perfect lemonade—Huh?!" Officer Roger stood up from his squatting-driving position. "How did I get here? Where's my car? Was I drugged? Where's the girl with a horn on her head who was running from the supervillain?"

Ladybug slapped the man and demanded, "Where were you driving?"

_A few blocks away:_

Lila sat in silent fear. Oni-Chan had somehow replaced Officer Roger in the driver's seat and she was doing nothing but smiling at her in the mirror.

"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" the villain asked pleasantly.

Lila dove out of the car and resumed running for her life.

Oni-Chan turned on the radio and listened to some K-pop.

Moments later, Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived. Ladybug ripped open the backdoor. "Where is she?! She's not here!"

"Good." Chat Noir shoved Ladybug into the car and began boarding up the vehicle with the heaviest things he could find. "You two stay in there until you cool off. M'Lady, while you're settling down, how about you de-evilize the Akuma and stuff?"

"Not until Lila dies!" Ladybug shouted, punching a fist through the bulletproof glass.

* * *

_A few more blocks away:_

Lila burst into the Dupain-Cheng Patisserie. "HELP!" she begged. "I'm being chased by monsters and Ladybug!"

"Oh my!" Sabine Cheng said at the register. "That sounds awf—" Immediately, Lila's horn glowed and Sabine's phone rumbled. "Sorry, have to take this."

"NO!"

Too late.

In a flash of red, Sabine was replaced with Oni-Chan.

"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" the Akuma asked.

_Back with the heroes:_

Ladybug frowned at the sight of her mom in the driver's seat and kicked her way through Chat Noir's meager barriers. She headed for the bakery. Chat Noir was close behind.

"LB, if you have problems with this photo, maybe you should talk to the guy in it," he suggested.

"Screw that! No talkie! More punchie!"

Ladybug spotted Lila speeding out of the bakery and she aimed her yo-yo at her stupid glowing horn.

_Bzzt. Bzzt._

Ladybug glared at her rumbling yo-yo. "I swear, if this is another pic of Adrien and Lila..." She slid it open and saw an odd glitchy graphic of a thorny rose. There was a flash of light and Ladybug suddenly found herself inside the bakery!

"L-Ladybug!" her dad stuttered, a katana-shaped baguette raised over his head for a strike. He hid the weapons behind his back. "Thank Astruc you're here. My wife vanished and then this villain invaded and now you're here. I wasn't doing anything illegal!"

Ladybug ignored him and looked out the window where she saw Chat Noir carrying Lila away. Oni-Chan watched them run from the spot where she'd been a second ago. The weird rose text message… Lila's glowing horn… Oni-Chan's teleporting… Ladybug put it all together in her head.

"Oh… it's the phones."

_ Outside: _

"We should talk about this pic that's got everyone riled up," Chat Noir said as he carried Lila deeper into the city.

"Pic? What pic? I don't know what you're talking about," Lila claimed. Her horn fizzled and grew slightly bigger.

"I seriously don't get what the problem is," Chat Noir continued. "I've done—I mean, Adrien has done plenty of shoots with his shirt off. Why is this one making everybody show their claws?"

_Bzzt. Bzzt._

Before Lila could stop him, Chat Noir answered his rumbling staff and there was a flash of light! She was now in the arms of Oni-Chan!

"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" the villain asked.

Lila cowered and waited to be struck down by her thorny weapon, but the Akuma only patiently held her and waited.

"Uh..." Lila cleared her throat. "Yes, I promise…?"

Her horn fizzled and grew a little.

"Liar," Oni-Chan scowled. "You have to mean it."

"Ugh!" Lila grumbled and climbed out of the Akuma's arms. "You want the truth? Fine, here it is! I don't love Adrien! Never have! Yeah, he's hot, whoopity-fucking-doo! He's also a neanderthal with the social skills of a toddler who has all the money in the world but spends every cent trying to solve the problems of the dumbasses in this city! Why? Because he _cares!_ It makes me wanna puke! I only stomach his sickening sweetness because he's rich, powerful, and once I have him wrapped around my finger he will get me anything and everything I could ever want!"

Oni-Chan gaped.

Hawkmoth gawked.

Lila's horn fizzled and _shrank_ a little. Her sly grin returned.

"But you know what would convince me to leave Adrien alone forever?" She leaned forward and whispered evilly into Oni-Chan's ear, "If you get rid of Ladybug for me, I'll never go near Adrien again."

Once more, Lila's horn shrank a little.

Behind Lila, Ladybug landed. Oni-Chan brandished her blade. "Well, if that's the only way," she said and charged at the hero.

Hawkmoth was still gawking. "Did she… Did she just manipulate an Akuma that was hunting her into hunting Ladybug?"

"Yes, she did," Duusu said from atop his head, smiling a smile that dripped with venom. "I like her."

Oni-Chan swiped and stabbed at Ladybug like a freak. The heroine barely avoided becoming swiss cheese thanks to her spinning shield.

Chat Noir landed nearby. "Oh! We're finally fighting the same opponent? Great! Here I come, LB—"

"Ow! My leg!" Lila cried in horrible pain. She clutched her ankle and rolled around. "It hurts! It's twisted! Sprained! Broken! Compound fracture! I can see the bone poking out! I'll never walk again!"

Her horn grew _a lot!_

"I'm coming, Lila. Hold Oni-Chan off, M'Lady, until I get Lila help. Medical emergency."

"SHE'S LYING!" Ladybug roared before she was hurled against a van.

"Pfft? What? No, why would she lie?" Chat Noir chuckled and carried Lila over several rooftops.

"Idiot! Fine, I'll do this on my own!" Ladybug shouted after him. "Lucky Charm!" She tossed up her yo-yo and down came a polka-dotted hose!

The hose landed in Oni-Chan's hands.

"...Dammit," Ladybug said seconds before she was lassoed.

_Later, a few streets away:_

"What do you mean her leg is fine?" Chat Noir asked.

"I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her," Fire Chief Cobra Commander said, after checking Lila's ankle again. "COBRA!"

Chat Noir raised a suspicious brow at the girl. "Lila, did you lie to me?"

"I want a second opinion," Lila quickly said.

"Doctor Doctorperson here! I'll handle this!" Dr. Doctorperson shoved her way in, pressed her stethoscope to Lila's big toe, and listened. "Hmmmmmm… Y'up, just as I feared. Frostbite. We'll have to amputate." Dr. Doctorperson pulled out her bone saw. "Hold her down."

"NO!" Lila sprung to her feet. Everybody stared at her _miraculous recovery._ "Uh… Oh my gosh, doctor, you've cured me!"

"All in a day's work. Doctor Doctorperson away!" And Dr. Doctorperson bounded off in search of her next patient.

Chat Noir frowned. "You did lie to me."

"What? Lie? I didn't lie to get you to leave Ladybug alone with a murderous slasher. Don't be silly, Chat Noir." Lila's horn fizzled and grew a little.

"You lied to Adrien too, didn't you?" he j'accused. "You tricked me—uh, I mean, him into that pic!"

"'Tricked' implies Adrien is intelligent," Lila sassed.

_ Meanwhile: _

"What is this hose made of? Diamonds?" Ladybug said as she struggled to break her binds. She was tied to a lamppost with her own Lucky Charm. No matter how much wrestled, the hose wouldn't break.

"Game over, Ladybug," Oni-Chan cackled and reached for her defenseless earrings.

"Hands off, bitch!" Ladybug retorted and double-kicked the Akuma back. "Ha! Didn't think about my legs, did you? You come any closer and I'll kick your ass!"

Oni-Chan thought about this for about half a second and simply walked around the lamppost to behind Ladybug.

"FUCK!" Ladybug screamed, trying and failing to kick the villain behind her. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" She wrenched her upper body to and fro, just barely keeping out of Oni-Chan's reach. "Need… to call… Chat Noir… for… backup," she grunted. Ladybug slid open her yo-yo, but with her arms tied and the need to constantly dodge the Akuma, she had to use muscle memory to find the phone app and hit the right contact. After a few seconds, she heard the line ring.

_At Fu's Massage Parlor:_

Wayzz was playing with a paddle ball when his entire body began to rumble.

_Bzzt. Bzzt._

"Um… Master Fu, I think Marinette is calling."

"Tell her me not here!" Fu shouted back from the bathroom.

Wayzz shrugged and denied the call.

_Back with Ladybug:_

"Call failed," said her yo-yo.

"Dammit!" Ladybug dialed again.

_In the Unknown:_

Sass was playing with a paddle ball when his entire body began to rumble.

_Bzzt. Bzzt._

"What the hell isss going on?" he asked. The snake kwami grabbed his belly in an attempt to stop the shaking but ended up answering the call instead.

"Chat Noir!" he heard a female human's voice shout.

"Who'sss there? What isss the meaning of thisss? How are you ssspeaking to me, human filth?"

"Oops, sorry, wrong number."

_Back with Ladybug:_

"Third time's the charm, right?" She hung up and dialed again.

_In the hidden tower:_

"Yes, yes!" Hawkmoth jeered. "Take her Miraculous, Oni-Chan! It will only be a matter of time! Oh, how I wish I had a paddle ball right about now! That would make this moment perfect!"

_Bzzzt. Bzzzt._

Hawkmoth flipped open the head of his majestic cane. "Ahoy-hoy, you've reached Hawkmoth's secret lair. Hawkmoth speaking," he said.

_Back with Ladybug:_

The heroine stared at her yo-yo. "I have _your_ number too?!"

Oni-Chan grabbed Ladybug's ears.

"No!" she screeched.

Ladybug's flailing legs stomped the sidewalk. Amazingly, the concrete was not as strong as a rubber hose and Ladybug's superpowered legs launched her, Oni-Chan, and the lamppost into the air!

_Back with Team B:_

"What you did was terrible, Lila," Chat Noir admonished. "You put another person in danger for your own selfish gain. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm beginning to think that you're not taking the power of friendship seriously."

"You're just realizing this _now?_" Lila sassed back. "Yeesh, you're as clueless as Adrien."

Chat Noir glared at the girl and for the first time saw right through her.

"Incoming!" Ladybug's voice echoed from above.

_CRASH!_

The lamppost speared into the street light-first. Oni-Chan tumbled to the ground while Ladybug hung in the air, upside-down. The Akuma quickly recovered and aimed her sword at Chat Noir.

"Ready for the duel of a lifetime, cat?" she sneered.

"No."

There was a pause.

Oni-Chan, Ladybug, Lila, and even Fire Chief Cobra Commander stared at Chat Noir's stern, unamused grimace. It was the polar opposite of his usual perpetual boyish smirk.

"Uh..." Oni-Chan shuffled her feet uncomfortably. "Did you need a break or—"

"I'm not fighting you," he said. "Or you, LB." Chat Noir jumped up to Ladybug and Cataclysmed the hose. He brought her down to the street and continued, "I'm not defending Lila anymore. Do what you want with her."

He marched to the nearest bus bench and sat down.

Ladybug didn't need to be told twice. She smacked Oni-Chan into the side of a building and stalked toward her vulnerable prey, cracking her knuckles one by one.

Lila started to sweat. "Hey, come on, Chat Noir, you're not serious, are you? She's literally gonna kill me! You're really going to stand there and do nothing?"

Chat Noir extended his staff to block Fire Chief Cobra Commander from interfering. The army of robo-lizard-ninjas appeared in a puff of smoke behind Ladybug. "We get second dibs," proclaimed the lead ninja.

Ladybug got closer.

Lila started to panic. "Haha! Very funny, Chat Noir! You got me! C'mon! Rescue me! I've learned my lesson!"

Her horn fizzled and grew a little.

The silent army of radioactive mimes hopped out of some bushes and raised three fingers for third dibs. The flying hawkmen landed on a rooftop and claimed fourth dibs. Toothless fluttered over them all, perfectly content with whatever was leftover.

Chat Noir didn't move.

Ladybug got closer.

Lila started to scream. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, HUH?! AN APOLOGY?!"

At last, Chat Noir opened his mouth. "Tell the truth," he said.

Lila's eyes widened.

Ladybug grabbed her collar and lifted her off her feet. A polka-dotted fist cocked back.

"It's fake! I never banged Adrien!" Lila shouted at the top of her lungs. Her horn fizzled and shrank a little. "I tried to get Adrien in bed with me but he wouldn't do it!" Lila continued and her horn shrank further. "So I tricked him and made it look we just had sex but we haven't even kissed! Please don't hurt me!" Her horn shrank until it was nothing but a pimple.

"Banged?" Chat Noir slid open his staff and re-examined... _the photo_... "Ooooh, now I see it."

Ladybug put Lila down. "My Astruc," she said. "You're pathetic."

"I agree," Oni-Chan said, returning from the crumbled building, and handed Ladybug her sword.

The heroine snapped the blade in half, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The park regrew around Mrs. Tsurugi.

The trail of destruction in Lila's wake was repaired.

All of the Agreste security measures were returned to the mansion.

And as Oni-Chan was transformed back into Kagami, Chat Noir saw her sword transform into a familiar rose. He picked it up, astonished that Kagami had kept the flower for so long. Its presence and its meaning behind Kagami's akumatization stirred something within the boy's heart, no magical ice cream roots necessary.

"He means a lot to you, doesn't he?" he asked, offering Kagami the rose.

"Yes," Kagami replied in her flat monotone. Despite her passionless reply, she cradled the flower to her chest as if it were a precious treasure.

"Wow, she's a poet," Ladybug rolled her eyes at Kagami's _outpour of emotion_. "Any last cringeworthy puns for me to suffer through, Chat, or can I get the hell out of here?"

"I'll take Kagami home," Chat Noir said absently, already carrying the girl bridal-style, and leaped away.

Ladybug stood where he left her, very confused.

"Why… Why does it feel like I just got stood up?" she asked nobody. "And why do I care?"

* * *

_The next day, at school:_

Classes were over again, and like yesterday Lila was trying to make a move. "Oh Adrien!" she swooned over her desk. "I need somebody to help me with Calculus or I'll never have time to volunteer for the Feed the Paraplegic Orphans rally. Won't you help me help those orphans?"

Lila batted her eyelashes at Adrien. Nearby, Alya turned expectantly to Marinette. The bluenette was surprisingly walking out the door.

"Hey, whoa!" Alya chased after her. "That's it? You're not gonna keep Adrien under surveillance anymore?" Alya gasped with joy. "Have you finally allowed Lila, She Who is Most Caring and Kind, into your heart and are letting her do the worrying for you?"

"I trust Adrien," Marinette replied smugly. "He can handle her lying ass."

"Praise be to Lila!" Alya cheered.

"Praise be to Lila!" the rest of the school, including faculty, chanted in response.

"That's still concerning," Marinette muttered to herself.

Upstairs, Lila had finished her extravagant lie that included time-traveling huns, holographic dinosaurs, and an invisible elf who needed to save Christmas. Adrien stared back at her as one might stare at a cockroach.

"Lila, none of what you said is true," he said and got up to leave.

Lila's smile dropped. "What? No! I-I-I mean, I was kidding! Couldn't you tell I was kidding when I brought up the old haunted house filled with kangaroos?"

"Lila." He walked out of the classroom without sparing her a glance. "Nathalie and Ape-Man got in trouble because of your lies the other day."

"Lies? I didn't lie yesterday. That was all miscommunicati—"

"Lila!"

She shut her mouth.

He smiled. "I'm still your friend, I'll always be there if you need me. But..." Adrien leaned too close and pierced Lila with a seething glare that was eerily identical to Gabriel Agreste's trademark scowl. For a moment, she actually believed she was standing before the man, not his son. "Don't you ever fucking dare hurt the people I love again." His smile returned. "See ya later!"

He pranced away, leaving a very shaken Lila.

"When the hell did he grow a spine? And why the fuck are my lies not working on him?" she whimpered to herself.

_Bzzt. Bzzt._

She checked her phone and saw an unlisted number was calling her. She answered.

"Hello?"

"Lila Rossi?" asked a clicky, garbled, computerized voice.

* * *

_Later, at fencing class:_

Adrien and Kagami's swords clashed in a shower of sparks, the aftershock of the impact collapsed another section of the building. Their weapons crumbled to dust from the sheer g-force.

"Tie!" proclaimed Mr. D'Argencourt.

"Great match, Kagami," Adrien commended. He reached out to shake the girl's hand only for both his and Kagami's shoulders to spurt fountains of blood.

"A pox upon you!" D'Argencourt swore as the teens collapsed. "Forsooth! Call-eth an ambulance! They did it again-eth!"

"Friend Adrien," Kagami said while they waited to be rushed to the emergency room, "after the surgery… we should… purchase caffeinated refreshments together… as a pair. Did I say that right?"

Adrien could tell that, even though her face betrayed nothing and her cheeks were pale from blood loss, deep inside Kagami was shyly blushing.

He smiled at her. "I'd love to."

"And afterward we can revisit my mating proposal?"

"Let's… stick to the coffee for now."

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

"Thank you for, ahem, _inviting_ me, Mr. Agreste," Lila nervously said, glancing repeatedly at the Predator's serrated blades that were inches away from her throat.

"Miss Rossi..." Gabriel said. His imposing figure faced a window with his back to the girl. She could barely make out his cold dead eyes reflected in the glass. "You infiltrated my house under false pretenses, lied to and manipulated my son solely to use his reputation for yourself, and have proven to be nothing short of a textbook sociopath. I have only one thing to say to you..."

The Predator growled and got its spine-ripping arm ready.

Lila gulped and said a prayer.

Gabriel whipped around and threw his arms wide open, "When can you start?"

Lila blinked. "...Wha?"

"I've been searching high and low for a good sidekick," Gabriel went on, now gushing like a fan. "At first I thought I'd have to make do with Chloe. She's got potential but, yikes, she is a powder keg. Mommy problems, explosive anger issues, no thanks. But _you_, I've had my eyes on you for a while now and you have all the hallmarks of an evil mastermind without any of the emotional pitfalls! You are perfect!"

Lila blinked again. "Okay, what I'm hearing is you're not angry?"

"Nope."

"And you have no problem with me continuing to be a Machiavellian liar around your son?"

"Nope."

"And no problems with me slowly turning people to my side so I can eventually depose you and take all your wealth and power?"

Gabriel lowered his phone. "Hmm? Sorry, checking my texts. What was that last question?"

"Nothing!" Lila's sly grin spread at full force and she shook the sucker's hand. "Mr. Agreste, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

The new partners in crime shared a long sinister laugh, both convinced for very different reasons that this was gonna end very well for them.

"So… no spine-ripping?" the Predator asked.

END

_It's just coffee..._


	26. 23 Astruc Fucking Dammit!

_My secret? I have no shame._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_BOO! NO PUNS!_

_{The frog found the space school..._ ribbiting...?}

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 23: Astruc Fucking Dammit!  
_By: I Write Big

"What is a god?" the deep, gruff voice of a narrator asked as an anime Ladybug and Chat Noir raced across the animated rooftops of Paris.

"What the fuck is this trailer?" Tikki asked back as she and Marinette watched.

"Is a god an animal-human hybrid with dominion over various sets of metaphysical concepts such as communication, travel, and bad hair days?" the narrator continued as the dynamic duo kept on running and running and running. "Is a god an old man who flies around on his big bushy beard that's so long and thick that the god's disciples mistook it for a cloud? Is god a title we stick to whatever incomprehensible force created our existence and cross our fingers in hope that they got a plan?"

They were still running.

"If a god is that last one, wouldn't that make every author the god of the characters in their books? Are stories just stories or are they worlds that adhere to the Schrödinger's Cat Principle and only exist when read? If you craft a realistic enough world and get enough people to witness it, will that world become a new reality?"

Still running.

"If a reader knows a character they love is about to die, can they save them by simply shutting the book and continuing the story down a different path in their head? Has that reader become the new god of these characters?"

Ladybug and Chat Noir paused in their endless running to smoke a cigarette in disgust. A building exploded in the distance and Ladybug and Chat Noir dove into the flames.

"Coming soon to theaters… Ladybug and Chat Noir: The Movie!"

Marinette nodded in admiration at her tablet. "Not bad," she said.

"Not bad?" Tikki sputtered, dumbfounded, "The fuck did I just watch? What was with all that god-talk? What kind of crappy movie is this?"

"It's called French Cinema, Tikki," Marinette snooted as if the trailer had been an example of the highest form of art. "You wouldn't get it."

Tikki glared at her. "Philosophical bullcrap and cigarettes don't make movies smart!"

_BLAM!_

The Pink Devil and Timetagger tumbled into Marinette's room through a blue mini-nuclear explosion. The former swept her bunny ears out of her face and asked, "Hey, guys, this fight has been dragging for a while. Do I actually win?"

Marinette and Tikki shrugged.

"Oh my fucking Big Red X, c'mon!" she griped.

Timetagger tackled her and they both vanished in another blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"Did she say… Big Red X?" Marinette asked.

French Ryan Seacrest interrupted from the tablet. "At today's premiere, we'll be seeing many celebrities, including teen idol Adrien Agreste, who lent his voice to the character of Chat Noir and modeled all of the hero's motion capture."

Marinette gasped. "Adrien is Chat Noir?!"

Her pupils shrank and dilated back and forth. Her body spasmed. Foam poured out of her mouth. The girl barely managed to shake off the seizure caused by the disturbing string of words that had spilled from her throat.

"Whoa! That came out wrong. Why did I focus on that? Adrien is going to be at the premiere!" Marinette chucked her tablet aside and scrambled downstairs. "Mom! Dad!"

Tikki rolled her bulbous eyes and begrudgingly followed her. In their absence, French Ryan Seacrest's spotlight continued unwatched. On the screen now was a familiar bearded man in a simple grey hoodie.

"We're here with the director of the film and our god who now walks among us: Thomas Astruc," announced French Ryan Seacrest. "Astruc, why have You decided in Your benevolent wisdom to use Your Second Coming to produce a film about our heroes?"

"Oh, I have my reasons," Thomas Astruc said mysteriously. "And that reason is certainly not an attempt to create a new world I can escape to and become the god of, nope, not the reason at all."

_ Downstairs: _

Tom and Sabine were going down the long list of tasks for the premiere they were catering.

"Thomas Astruc Is Great balloons? Check," Sabine read out loud. "Life-Sized cake of our god in all his godly splendor? Check. Eight-hundred gold-leaf macarons, personally engraved with Thomas Astruc's likeness? Check."

"This is all too much work, Sabine," Tom said. "We can't handle a job this important on our own. We should've hired extra hands."

The kitchen door flew off its hinges and in barreled their daughter. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng, extra hands at your service," she saluted.

They stared at her in disbelief.

"You want to be a server at the movie premiere?" Tom asked.

"Yes!"

"The premiere that Adrien will be attending?" Sabine asked knowingly.

"Is he? I had no clue," she giggled uncontrollably.

"Marinette, we appreciate the offer, we really do," Tom said sweetly. "It's just..." He put a stack of three empty plates in her hands. They immediately imploded. "That."

"I'll be extra careful!" she promised. "I'll wear a helmet and padded armor and everything! Please!"

Her parents exchanged loving looks. They couldn't say no to their little girl. She squealed and hugged them both tightly before dashing back upstairs.

"Our insurance is paid up, right, Sabine?" Tom asked.

"Y'up."

_In Marinette's Room:_

Tikki watched Marinette with worry as the girl kept on giggling, "Adrien," to herself like someone who should be locked up in an asylum.

"Hey!" she smacked Marinette's face. "I thought we were past this whole obsessive borderline serial killer phase."

"I am!" Marinette shouted back and took a moment to control her giggles. "I'm like this because I'm not letting anything stop me today. Least of all me!" She went to her dresser and opened the secret drawer that she kept Chat Noir's letters in. Tucked into the back corner was a single, hand-made macaron wrapped in a ribbon.

"It is time," Marinette whispered in reverence. She carefully extracted the macaron and held the treat over her head as if it were blessed. "With this macaron, I will win Adrien's heart!"

"You're gonna roofie him?" Tikki guessed.

"No!"

Tikki wasn't convinced.

"I'M NOT!" Marinette insisted. "I baked this macaron with all my love for Adrien and filled it with his favorite flavor: passion fruit! He'll be so surprised when he tastes it."

Tikki waited for the girl to continue.

She didn't.

"And then you tell him you like him…?" the kwami suggested.

"Nope! Then Adrien is overwhelmed by the knowledge that I know so much about him despite him being so secretive and then I'm officially stuck in his head. He'll ponder for days, weeks, _months_, trying to figure out just how I knew he loves passion fruit. I will consume his every waking thought until I seep into his dreams as well. Adrien won't be able to go three seconds without me popping into his head! And when he can think of nothing else, he will crawl to me and beg me to be his girlfriend! And I'll look down upon him and say like I couldn't care less, 'Okay.'"

Tikki stared at the mad toothy grin on Marinette's face. She'd thought she'd seen the last of it. "You're trying really hard to forget that you kissed Luka, aren't you?"

The mad toothy grin shattered.

"My Adrien will be mine!" Marinette screamed desperately and sped downstairs.

* * *

_Later, at the premiere:_

The red carpet was packed. Celebrities arrived one by one to see the movie. Flashes of the paparazzi cameras went off constantly as famous faces filed into the theater. Then all the cameras stopped.

"He's here!" one shouted.

"Our Lord!" another cried and fell to his knees.

"Thomas Astruc!"

At the name, everybody in the street prostrated themselves. The man, the myth, the legend, the god Thomas Astruc sauntered up the red carpet, a procession of hooded monks followed behind him, flogging themselves with whips made from colored pencils.

"Thomas Astruc," the guard at the door made the Sign Of Astruc and kept his head bowed. "I am not worthy."

"Rise, my son, all are worthy in my eyes," his god responded.

Humbled, the guard kissed Astruc's shoes and pleaded, "If it pleases You, Astruc, I must know… why did You see fit to make mosquitos?"

Astruc's kind smile dropped and he began to panic. "Um, uh, um, mysterious ways and all that. I have a plan, I promise. It'll all make sense in the end. Gotta get inside, can't miss the movie. Peace be with you and all that crap, bye!" He scuttled into the theater.

The guard wiped away tears of joy. "Such grace," he sobbed.

Once inside, Astruc carefully scanned the crowd for the one person who would dare want him dead.

"Where are you, Marinette?" he gulped nervously.

_On the other side of the room:_

Marinette was behind the snack table, dressed in a rather cute maid outfit. At least, it would've been cute if the dress hadn't been covered with multiple layers of protective pillows.

"You hold the dessert platter from the bottom, Marinette, supporting the weight by hooking your thumb around the edge," Tom expertly instructed.

"Dad," she said, her words muffled by over three feet of goose feathers, "I can't move."

"We tried letting you move, honey, remember?" Sabine reassured. "We had to re-bake everything."

"This is much safer," Tom agreed as he taped a platter of Ladybug and Chat Noir themed macarons to where he thought Marinette's hand was and gently pushed her toward the crowd. "Just shuffle your feet and work your way through the room until you run out."

"I can't see where I'm going," the Marinette-pillow-pillar called back.

"That's the spirit, you're doing great, we love you."

_In the crowd:_

Astruc ordered his monks to spread out and search for the girl. She had to be here… hunting him. He could feel it.

"Thomas Astruc, Ya bloody bastard!"

"Don't hurt me!" Astruc dropped into a fetal position. He peeked between his fingers and saw it wasn't Marinette standing over him with a knife but Jagged Stone. No knife. He jumped back to his feet and assumed his pious nature, "Ahem, greetings, le rosbif*, what brings you here?"

"I'm sure Ya already knew about this, but I'm sorta stranded here, Mate. No matter what I do I can't get me ass back to bloody England. What's with that?"

"Mmmm," Astruc nodded along with great wisdom as he'd been doing since he got banished to this plane of existence. As long as he kept pretending to be omnipotent and omniscient, people always eventually spilled an answer he could take credit for.

"And another thing," Jagged continued. "What's the deal with Santa Claus? Is he Your really rich brother or something?

"Mmmmmm."

"Platypuses. Why?"

"Mmmmmmmmmmm."

"Are You going to answer any of me questions? What kinda bloody god are you?"

Astruc started to sweat. His cover was nearly blown.

"GAAAAH!" screamed a clumsy pillow-pile as it fell against Jagged Stone with a _poomf!_ It nearly dropped its platter of macarons.

"Oh! Marinette!" Jagged said to the pillows. "I didn't know you'd be here!"

Thomas Astruc went pale at the name. Before he had a chance to grab one of those scrumptious treats, he silently excused himself.

"Who's there? Jagged Stone, is that you?" the pillows asked.

"You bet it's me, Marinette. You're just in time to meet Tho—" Jagged turned to introduce her, but Astruc was long gone. "Huh? Where the bloody hell did He go?"

"Where'd who go?" Marinette flailed at the layers until she made a crack barely big enough to squint through. What she saw… was Adrien.

_Back at the snack table:_

Tom and Sabine saw the boy enter the room and their daughter freeze.

"Gán!" Sabine swore.

"More pillows! We need more pillows!" Tom cried.

_Back at Ground Zero:_

Marinette braced herself and reached through the layers to place the passion fruit macaron on the platter. "Adrien, I made this just for you," she rehearsed. "Eat it and you will be mine— I mean, I will own you— I mean, there will be no escape— I mean, you know what, I'm sticking with you will be mine."

As confident as a girl wrapped in pillows could be, Marinette took one step toward Adrien and immediately dropped the special macaron.

"FUCK!"

Marinette tried to bend down to grab it but lost her balance. She went from a pillow-pillar to a pillow-worm. Undeterred, she crawled after the key to her Adrien's heart, always just barely missing it before someone accidentally kicked it further away. So focused was she that Marinette didn't notice she was inch-worming her way around the legs of Thomas Astruc and Chloe Bourgeois.

"I don't get what I'm doing wrong," Chloe admitted with a sniffle. "I don't call the lessers mean names even when they deserve it, I don't treat the trash like trash even though they are, and I even grace the poor with a smile once a week. I'm nice, dammit! Why the fuck do I now need _pay-chance_? I want to be Queen Bee!"

"Mmmm," Astruc nodded along wisely, trying not to be heard by the pillows circling his feet. He _accidentally_ kicked the macaron deeper into the crowd and watched his would-be murderer roll away.

Marinette grew more frantic, opting to bash people and tables and chairs aside with her fluffy girth. Adrien saw his friend's struggle was just about to go and help her when Nathalie tapped his shoulder.

"Adrien," she said, taking a moment to spit into her blood bucket. "The Tsurugis are here."

There was the loud _BWOMMM_ of a gong and both Mrs. Tsurugi and Kagami entered the theater.

Chloe whipped around and Marinette got up with her recovered macaron and peeled back her pillows. Their eyes shot open at the sight of Kagami.

"Oh no! Not her!" they both said at the same time.

Marinette pried back a few more pillows and glared at Chloe. "Wait, you know her?"

"Know her?" Chloe scoffed. "I _despise_ her. Let me tell you how I met that coldhearted bitch."

_Weeks ago, in the Mayor's office:_

Chloe entered the meeting, fashionably late as always, and made her way to the golden throne she always sat in next to Adri-kins. She was horrified to find a lesser occupying the seat already! Old Chloe would've pulled out her remote and dropped the intruder into the fire pit directly underneath that throne and be done with the trollop, but this was new nice Chloe.

"Excuse me," Chloe said in a strained kind voice. "You probably didn't know this because you never get invited to these high-class functions due to your poor foreigner breeding, but that's my seat. Could you mo..."

Chloe petered out as the trollop's head slowly faced her. She'd anticipated confusion, shock, an apology, maybe even a little anger, but this odd girl stared at Chloe with a face so blank and devoid of anything it was like she was gazing into a black hole that threatened to pull her in and tear her apart.

"You are not a threat," she said.

_Here and now:_

Marinette waited awkwardly for the suddenly silent Chloe to continue. "And then what happened?"

"I didn't cry if that's what you were thinking!" Chloe sniffled and huddled away. "I wasn't intimidated! She didn't win! I quitted!"

"Holy fuck!" Marinette said, gaping at the whipped puppy that used to be the toughest bitch in her school. "Kagami broke her." She glared across the theater at the new top bitch in Paris.

In that group, the Agrestes and the Tsurugis bowed to each other.

"So glad you could make it, Tsurugi-san," Gabriel said from the tablet Nathalie carried.

"You have a sick sense of humor, Gabriel-san," Mrs. Tsurugi said to Nathalie and gave the assistant a thwack with her sword. "Inviting a blind woman to a movie? That takes balls. I respect that. To reward such balls, I have brought the paperwork to finalize our deal."

The adults stepped away to further bolster the Gabriel brand, leaving their children alone.

"Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, am I friending wrong?" Kagami asked in her flat monotone. "I do not challenge anyone outside our fencing class to duels and I make certain not to attack anyone who isn't a threat, however..." She glanced past Adrien where she saw a pile of pillows baring their teeth at her and Chloe crying in a corner. "No one wishes to be my friend."

"Don't worry, Kagami." Adrien gently offered his arm to her. "They just need a while to see the real you."

Kagami stared at his arm for a second and then gave it a karate chop.

"Yee-Ouch!" Adrien flinched but smiled through the pain. "No, like this." He wrapped her hands around his arm and led her into the crowd.

A few tables away, Marinette was blowing a gasket. "Did you see that?!" she seethed. "That crafty whore has got her greasy hands all over Adrien! I'll kill her!" Marinette lunged after the couple but Chloe quickly held her back.

"Wait! Stop, Dupain-Cheng! That's not nice!" she scolded.

The sheer absurdity of the fact that Chloe had just been the voice of reason stopped Marinette in her tracks. "You're right. Attacking Kagami head-on is too obvious, we need to be sneaky."

"Is… Is sneaky nice?"

Marinette nabbed a seating chart from an usher and scoured the page. "GAAH! Adrien and Kagami are going to be sitting right next to each other."

"So?"

"So?!" Marinette shook Chloe. "They are going to be inches away from each other, in the dark, with nobody to stop them from holding hands! They could lean on each other's shoulders or even..." Marinette gasped in terror. "They could even do what Chat Noir and I do on our movie nights and whisper jokes to each other about the movie! WE HAVE TO STOP THIS!"

"B-But that would ruin Kagami's day and that's not nice," Chloe said weakly.

Again, Marinette stopped to gawk at Chloe's newfound meekness. "Holy fuck, you are taking this nice thing way too seriously. Chloe, listen to me," she said with mounting frustration. "Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is be really mean."

"It is?"

"Yes! Do you want Adrien to move to Japan and get married to Kagami and never see you again? Because that's exactly what's gonna happen if we stand here with our thumbs up our asses!"

"Move to Japan?" Chloe gasped. "He wouldn't do that!"

"What do you think the contracts their parents are signing are about then?"

Marinette pointed a pillow at the table Mrs. Tsurugi, Nathalie, and Gabriel's tablet were sitting at. Mrs. Tsurugi pressed a pen to the table, missing the contract by a yard. "Here?" she asked.

"A little to the left," Gabriel replied.

Mrs. Tsurugi pressed the pen against her napkin. "Did I get it?"

"Down."

"How about now?" Mrs. Tsurugi asked, shifting her pen to her teacup.

Nathalie groaned and moved the contract itself so the blind woman's hand was on the dotted line.

"There we go," Mrs. Tsurugi said as she signed. "Your modeling contract with Godzilla is complete, long may He reign."

Chloe, of course, didn't know this contract had been signed in order to introduce a new line of kaiju-sized Gabriel brand clothes and assumed the worst. "You're right, Dupain-Cheng!" she said. "For Adri-kin's sake, we have to be mean to Kagami! It's the nice thing to do!"

_ Later: _

Marinette dug through the catering supplies under the snack table in search of a blunt weapon. Tikki watched, her curiosity growing by the second.

"Chloe's morals were already pretty warped to begin with, Marinette, but I think you're somehow making them worse," the kwami said.

"What are you talking about? I'm teaching her to stand up for what she believes in and to not stand around and wait for the world to fix itself. There's no way that Chloe will take that the wrong way." Marinette chuckled off Tikki's words.

"Marinette, are you turning evil on me?" Tikki asked. "Because if you are, I'm all for it. It's about time I got stuck with a human who actually gets things done."

"Aha! Perfect!" Marinette shouted, pulling a ladle from the supplies. She dashed out of there.

_Back in the theater lobby:_

The tools that would lead to Kagami's demise jingled in the trash bag. Marinette could feel it, Kagami would soon be a forgotten ant in Adrien's mind.

"I don't know about this, Dupain-Cheng," Chloe mumbled as she chewed her gum. "The further we go with this plan the more my stomach feels the way Sabrina's face looks when I don't whip her hard enough, which usually means my conscience is trying to tell me to stop. Are you sure this being-mean-in-order-to-be-nice thing is nice?"

"Positive, Chloe," Marinette growled as she spied on Adrien and Kagami enjoying each other's company. "I've been nice much longer than you, I know what I'm talking about. You got the rope?"

Still unsure, Chloe snapped her fingers and her butler Jean-Something appeared with a length of hand-braided golden rope.

"Excellent." Marinette shoveled a platter of macarons into the trash bag and began to smash them to crumbs with her ladle.

_ Later: _

Thomas Astruc was hiding behind a plant. He'd nearly gotten to the premiere without being spotted by Marinette. It would only be a bit longer before the portal opened and he could escape this wretched world.

"Yay! Thomas Astruc! Hooray!" cheered over a dozen tiny voices as the man was tackled by an entire class of toddlers.

"Behave yourself, kids!" Their teacher frantically pulled her students off him. "Forgive them, My Lord, they are but children! See it in Your heart not to smite them!"

"Be at peace, my daughter," Astruc chuckled benevolently. "I am always here for the young ones."

"Did You weally make da whole world by Yourself, Astruc?" asked a wide-eyed boy.

"That I did."

"And You know all da answers?"

"I do."

"Den You can tell me who my parents are and why dey abandoned me when I was a baby?"

Astruc stared at the child and slowly backed away.

_ Meanwhile: _

Operation Kill Kagami was a go!

Phase One!

Marinette, the living pile of pillows, waddled through the crowd, two whole platters of macarons precariously balanced on her fluffiness. She faced Adrien and Kagami and aimed for the latter.

"Oh noooo!" she cried out and started spinning in place. "I'm slipping! Falling! Coming undone! Clumsy _ME!_" Marinette hurled the platters like a pair of frisbees. The metal discs lost all of their desserts but they kept going, sailing directly toward the back of Kagami's head.

At the last second, Kagami spun around and knocked the death sentences out of the air with an impressive roundhouse kick. The platters spun back across the lobby, sliced Astruc's beard in half, and embedded themselves in a wall.

Marinette made the classic _I Fucked Up_ face and quickly said, "Plan B!" She dolphin-flopped onto the floor between the couple. "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" she gasped, carefully planting Chloe's wad of gum on the carpet near Kagami's wooden shoes. "Won't a dashing and selfless someone come to my rescue?"

Before she could count to three, a pair of strong arms lifted Marinette up. She basked in the hold of her one and only, always warm and welcoming. It wasn't so long ago that this kind of touch would've made her drop dead but now she could relish every moment. Marinette steadied her breath, pulled out the passion fruit macaron, and peeled back the pillows.

"Thank you, Adr—"

She was in the arms of Kagami.

"Are you injured, Potential-Friend Marinette?" she asked in her flat monotone. Behind Marinette's petrified O-face, Adrien was giving Kagami a very supportive double thumbs-up.

Marinette mutely nodded at the girl she'd just tried to decapitate and slammed the pillows shut. She turned around and pried open the pillows again.

"Thank you for helping me up, Adrien," she said.

"Um, it was Kagami who—"

"I made this for you!" Marinette shoved the macaron in his face. "It's passion fruit flavored! Your favorite! How do I know? Lucky guess! Hidden meaning? Who can say? TAKE IT SO ME KISSING LUKA WILL MEAN NOTHING!" Another shove and the precious macaron slipped from her fingers. Down the present tumbled in slow motion toward the harsh unforgiving ground…

Until Kagami caught it.

"Here, Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien," she said and gave it to the boy.

"Why do you keep helping me?!" Marinette demanded.

"Because you are not a threat," Kagami replied simply.

Once more Marinette felt the fangs and claws begin to sprout so she darted back to the home base behind a movie poster where Chloe waited.

"I think I'm beginning to like this being-mean-to-be-nice plan, Dupain-Cheng," Chloe cackled, sounding more and more like her old bitchy self by the second. If Marinette had been paying attention to her, she might have seen the signs and called it quits then and there, but she was too preoccupied with rage.

"That sushi-loving skank thinks we aren't a threat to her?" Marinette hissed. "We'll show her how threatening we can be! Chloe, we're combining Plans C and B!"

Chloe squeezed her golden rope. "I'm ready."

Nearby, Kagami felt a soft squish under her foot and checked the bottom of her shoe. A ball of pink was stuck there.

"Uh oh, these belonged to my obaa-chan," she said without a hint of worry.

"What bad luck," Adrien said. "Don't worry, I'm sure we can clean it off."

"No, Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, you do not understand."

Before Kagami could explain, a ghostly wail rang out from the shoes, and from of their wood flowed an ethereal green smog.

"Kagami!" the smog wailed. "You have desecrated your ancestor's shoes! You bring great dishonor to your obaa-chan!"

_BWOMMMM! _Lightning crashed through the ceiling, winds of doom blew through the halls, and the pounding hoofbeats of warhorses echoed in every corner!

"Wow, Japanese culture is so rich and interesting," Adrien admired.

Kagami leaned against the boy to keep the desecrated shoe from touching the floor further. "Hurry, Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, we must complete the cleansing ritual before my okaa-san notices or I shall be buried to my chin in dirt," she said, still in her monotone.

"You mean grounded?"

"That too. Quickly, we need a clean chair."

"On it." Adrien put Marinette's macaron on the nearest table and grabbed a chair but was surprised to find the seat littered with macaron crumbs. Every chair he came across was soiled!

Marinette watched the spectral invasion with mixed emotions. "Uh… I think we may have taken this too far," she called over the phantasmic samurais who were rattling their katanas.

"Should we stop?" Chloe asked, flinching away from an undead dragon.

"I didn't say that! Ready the cake!"

Chloe saluted and grabbed a slice of triple-layer extra-messy chocolate cake from the snack table and forced the dish into Jagged Stone's hands. Seconds later, Marinette came to the rockstar with a Jagged Stone poster she'd ripped off the wall.

"Mr. Stone, could I get an autograph?" she asked innocently.

"Sure thing, luv," Jagged Stone agreed, a bit wary of the see-through oni waggling its thick eyebrows suggestively at him. He set the cake down on a nearby chair and pulled out a pen. Marinette glanced to the left and saw Chloe tie the golden rope to the cake-chair and get into position. All the dominoes were in place.

Adrien finally found a clean chair and brought it to Kagami.

Time slowed to a crawl as the girl leaned back to sit and Chloe yanked the rope, pulling the cake-chair across the room where it replaced the clean chair. Neither Adrien nor Kagami noticed the switcheroo and the poor girl's butt kept moving on a collision course with chocolatey VENGEANCE!

The fruition of her efforts brought a soul-chilling evil laugh from deep within Marinette. "MuahahahHAHAHAAHA_**HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA—**_"

"Kagami!" Mrs. Tsurugi shouted from across the lobby, freezing the girl mid-sit. The blind woman sniffed the air. "I smell ghosts. Did you desecrate your ancestor's belongings again? Get over here this instant, young lady."

"Hai, okaa-san," Kagami mumbled and limped with Adrien's help to her mom for an exorcism.

"No! Fuck! Dammit! FUCK!" Marinette swore, shredding the Jagged Stone poster to ribbons. In her anger, she missed Astruc still slowly backing away from the toddlers.

"Why did You take my puppy to heaven?" asked one.

"Is it okay if my mommy calls me an accident?" asked another.

"What does, 'that hoe be thirsty,' mean?" asked a third.

"Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmmmm," Astruc hummed over and over, praying to whatever had taken the Big guy's place to get him out of this. His answer was a lone macaron on a table, wrapped with love in a pretty ribbon. "Excuse me, children, but I need to eat this. Very godly thing to do, may take hours. You should move along and give your unanswerable questions to one of my monks." He popped the treat into his mouth and chewed super slowly at the kids.

Instead of them becoming bored and moving on, they gasped and went, "EWWWWW!"

Astruc's face suddenly felt very itchy.

The toddler's teacher shrieked and pointed at his nose, "My Lord, what curse has befallen Thee?!"

Astruc pulled out his phone and checked his reflection. His face was riddled with splotchy red hives! "What the—" He sniffed the macaron's ribbon. "Almonds?!" He stormed over to the snack table and roared at the Dupain-Chengs, "You put almonds in this?!"

The couple cowered. "We would never use the forbidden ingredient in Your presence," Sabine claimed. "We are devout followers of the Book of Astruc."

"I'M ALLERGIC TO ALMONDS!" Astruc bellowed, his declaration shaking the walls.

The theater became deadly silent. All eyes were on the man. Even the ghosts stopped and stared.

"Hold on," one of Astruc's monks said, "our infallible god has… allergies?"

"Heresy!" someone spat at them.

"But look at Him! He's breaking out as if He really is allergic!"

"Astruc can't be allergic to anything, He's all-powerful and all-knowing!"

"For a god who is all-knowing He sure hasn't answered any of my questions."

Again, the room got very quiet. Astruc started to sweat.

"Who here has had their questions about the Universe answered by Astruc?" asked the ghost of a powerful daimyo.

Nobody raised their hand.

"Ha! Sounds like you baka gaijin** got conned," the daimyo said smugly before his spirit was laid to rest.

Anarchy broke out! Cries for justice, answers, and crucifixion filled the air!

"No! No! Wait!" Astruc pleaded, backing away from the torch-wielding mob. "This is all a divine test! Uh, I mean, a-a-a parable? This is all part of my cosmic plan, I swear! I-I-I—" All comprehensible thoughts left his mind as he glanced at the nearest exit and saw a pair of bluebell eyes burning with hellfire through a pile of pillows.

"Jesus Christ," Astruc whimpered and ran into the bathroom.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man going through a crisis of faith.

"So… wait… Astruc isn't a god…?" Hawkmoth asked. "Where the hell did my thirty-plus years of donations to the Church of Astruc go then? Did Astruc not get any of my letters? Have I been putting my faith in a lie my whole life?"

Duusu poked its bulbous head through the floor and said, "Yes." It left.

"No!" Hawkmoth stomped his foot and shook his fist at the sky. "I refuse to accept this! I still believe in Astruc!" He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off. "I believe!"

_In the bathroom:_

Astruc hugged his legs atop the toilet. The bloodthirsty riot outside was growing more and more violent as the pounding on the bathroom door and the demands for his head grew louder. He was never going to get out this alive. Then a little black butterfly shattered on his event-pass lanyard. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Astruc," Hawkmoth said with reverence. "You still have one person who believes in You."

"I do? I mean, of course I do, I knew that. I know everything."

"Yes, My Lord, I will never doubt You, no matter what anyone says. Tell me how I may help restore the people's faith in You."

Astruc smiled. "Oh, I have an idea." The man was swallowed by bubbling darkness.

_Meanwhile in the lobby:_

Marinette kept her deadly stare on the crowd that was bashing the bathroom door with the Astruc cake they had repurposed into a battering ram. After nearly a year of searching, she had finally found him. There were no windows in that bathroom, no side doors. Astruc would eventually come out. And when he did, Marinette would make him pay.

_MMMMOWB!_

Marinette turned toward the reverse-gong sound and saw the last of the ethereal green smog get siphoned back into Kagami's shoe. Once the smog was gone, Adrien easily pried the gum off the wood.

"The exorcism is complete," Mrs. Tsurugi proclaimed. "Thank you for your help, young man," she said to a nearby plant. As the woman continued complimenting the shrubbery on its hard work, Adrien and Kagami shared a quiet smile during which the boy slipped her shoe back on in an almost picturebook-Cinderella-glass-slipper moment.

Marinette's eye twitched. "NO! Operation Kill Kagami backfired! They've gotten even closer! GAA—"

"Dupain-Cheng," Chloe interrupted, suddenly at her side. "What was with that macaron you gave Adrien? It wasn't part of the plan."

"It was a special passion fruit macaron I made but fucking Astruc had to go and eat it! The bastard!" she cried.

"Passion fruit? But that's Adrien's favorite..." Chloe froze on the spot. Her sights flicked back and forth between Marinette and Adrien. "Wait… hold on… NO!" Her face lit up with an epiphany. "Do you… Dupain-Cheng, do you have a… _crush_ on Adrien?"

The entire angry mob turned and stared at Chloe. "This is news to you?" they all asked before resuming their god-hunting.

Every ounce of Marinette's anger and rage vanished and was replaced with stinging embarrassment. She hid her guilty face from the one bitch who should've never found out. There was nothing to look forward to now but insults and mocking laughter and her love being called utterly ridiculous.

Chloe gasped. "Holy crap! This is it!" The girl started to bounce on her feet. "I get it now!"

Marinette dared to peek. "Get what?"

"Being mean to be nice!" Chloe clapped enthusiastically. "You've been struggling to find a way to tell Adrien how you feel, obviously because of the massive class difference and the fact that you're a nobody who has zero chance with him. The nicest thing I can do is to tell Adrien for you. It feels mean but it'll finally get the truth out which is nice! I finally get it!" She hugged the stupefied girl tightly. "Don't worry, Dupain-Cheng, I'll make this right."

Then she spun around and ran full speed for Adrien.

"Chloe! No! STOP!" Marinette wailed.

"I'm being nice!" Chloe cheered and reached a snitching hand for the boy.

_SMAAAAAASH!_

The bathroom exploded open, throwing the angry mob back. From the dust appeared Astruc, only his body was colored in with shifting pencil scratches and his eyes were covered with a Ladybug-themed domino mask! He had become Animaestro!

"You think I'm not a god anymore?" he sneered. "Well how about this for a god?!" Blinding white light filled the room and Animaestro expanded and morphed into a thirty-story, animated, 2-D, green kaiju monster!

"I AM YOUR GOD NOW! BRING ME YOUR VIRGINS!" he bellowed and blasted several buildings to smithereens with his animated fire breath!

As the city was decimated, Marinette climbed to the theater's roof, raring for some action. "You think Hawkmoth can protect you from me, Astruc? I'm gonna break your legs! Your arms! Every fucking bone in your body for every fucking Akuma I've had to deal with! Tikki, spots fucking on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug.

She wrapped her yo-yo string around two chimneys and made a giant slingshot. She got in, aimed at the kaiju's stupid face, and fired. The heroine shot through the air like a missile, over the rooftops, over the people, over Chat Noir who had just arrived, right for Animaestro's jaw. She cocked her polka-dotted fist back.

_WHAAAAM!_

The animated kaiju was launched halfway across Paris, until he landed with an Earth-shattering crash. Notre Dame was obliterated. Ladybug huffed and puffed at the unmoving body from atop a skyscraper. "THAT WAS FOR STONEHEART!" she screamed.

Chat Noir joined her and let out an impressed whistle. "You never get that _cat-_ty with me, M'Lady." He smirked at her. "I knew it. You hold back because you secretly love my puns."

"I UNLEASHED HELL BECAUSE ASTRUC DESERVES IT!"

There was another blinding flash of white light. When the heroes' vision cleared, Animaestro was before them again, flying on a pair of massive rocket boosters. He had morphed into a giant transformer!

Ladybug's knees wobbled and she drooled a little. "...Giant… robot..." she whispered in awe.

"You think you can outpunch me, Ladybug?" Animaestro cackled in a mighty electronic voice that shook the clouds. "I have ascended to true god status. You cannot hurt me anymore!" Animaestra laughed maniacally as the metal horn on its head began to glow with more and more power. The light became too painful to look at as the villain aimed its horn at the heroes and fired an unstoppable la—

_WHAAAAM!_

Ladybug's foot connected with Animaestro's chin, knocking his head back and re-aiming the laser at the sky. The powerbeam fired into space where it harmlessly punched a hole through the moon. "THAT WAS FOR THE BUBBLER!" the heroine proclaimed and quickly lassoed the mecha's neck. "AND THIS IS FOR STORMY WEATHER!"

With all her miraculous might, Ladybug whipped the million-times bigger Animaestro over her shoulder and smashed him face-first through the street. The impact uprooted every building in Paris and the shockwave was felt all the way in Kansas.

Hawkmoth stared as his god got his ass handed to him. "I… I believe?"

Animaestro's robo-limbs spasmed a few times before he was enveloped in blinding light and morphed into a human-sized, black-and-white, legally not Mickey Mouse, bunny-dog abomination. He sprang out of Ladybug's lasso and pulled out what looked like a blob of black putty.

"You can't stop a god!" Animaestro raised his arm to throw the putty and—

_WHAAAAM!_

Ladybug smashed into him like a speeding train and kept on going, dragging his face against the asphalt. A black-and-white trail of animated scraped-off skin and bone marked their path. "AND THIS IS FOR FUCKING PHARAOH!" She chucked his limp body through a building. There was another flash of white light from inside. The 2-D animated head of Majestia, Alya's favorite hero, nervously poked her head out.

"Um… fear me?" Animaestro whimpered.

Ladybug lassoed him and pulled him so close that their noses touched. "And this is for Timebreaker," she seethed.

_WHAAAAM! _Ladybug headbutted Animaestro so hard that she created a crater under them that reached the sewers.

"Hi there," said the undead horde.

"Lady Wifi," Ladybug continued.

_WHAAAAM!_ Another headbutt and Animaestro saw dinosaur bones around them. He morphed into a cartoony unicorn and prepared a rainbow blast of doom.

"Evillustrator."

_WHAAAAM!_ The headbutt made him choke on his rainbow and morph into an anime-style Astruc-Goku. He tried to ready a kame-hame-ha but—

"Rogercop."

_WHAAAAM!_ The surface was getting pretty far away and Ladybug didn't look anywhere near done.

"Um, excuse me, Mr. Astruc, sir?" someone chimed in.

"Dark Cupid."

_WHAAAAM!_

Through the headache, Animaestro turned and saw Chat Noir was kneeling nearby, looking rather serious. "I don't know what your history is with Bugaboo but you've clearly done something to make her angry. You need to apologize."

"Santa Claws."

_WHAAAAM!_

"Apologize?!" Animaestro scoffed. He morphed into a vibrant queen overflowing with magical energy. "I am your god! I created you!"

"Darkblade."

_WHAAAAM!_

The queen's sparkling dress was ruined by the miles of multi-layered rainbow cake that made up the Earth's crust. Daylight was a distant speck. "You should be thanking me! You should be _worshipping_ me!" Animaestro spat.

"It's your funeral," Chat Noir shrugged.

"The Mime."

_WHAAAAM!_

Animaestro morphed back into his pencil-sketch Astruc form. Despite all the hits, there wasn't a scratch on him. "You can't touch me! You can't harm me! I am a god! I am a cartoon! I! AM! INVINCIBLE!"

Ladybug glared at him. "I'm just gonna skip down to Lila," she said and reeled back her head extra far.

_WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!_

Down the trio tunneled into the creamy, sugary, spongy depths of the Earth. The surface, the sky, and daylight became long-forgotten memories.

And it also got very hot very quick.

Animaestro's eyes widened as he realized where that heat was coming from.

Suddenly there was no more cake. Animaestro's back hair sizzled in the scalding air. He made the mistake of glancing over his shoulder and was instantly filled with regret.

"Do you think a cartoon can survive being dropped into the Earth's molten core?" Ladybug dared.

Animaestro honestly didn't know.

Neither did Hawkmoth, who was having doubts about Astruc's godhood again.

Animaestro cleared his throat. "I think we got off on the wrong foot—AAAH!" The Akuma screamed bloody murder as Ladybug let him go. His mortal plummet was halted at the last second by quickly morphing his arms into animated tentacles which grabbed the icing-covered ledge. "Let's talk about this, c'mon!"

Ladybug stomped on one of his tentacles until it slipped off. She aimed for the other one.

"Wait! WAIT! I'M SORRY!"

Ladybug stopped.

"I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!" Animaestro wailed. "I'M SORRY ABOUT HAWKMOTH, THE AKUMAS, THE BAD LUCK, THE MIRACULOUS, THE CONSTANT FIGHTS! I'M SORRY! THERE WAS NO REASON! NO DIVINE PLAN! I WAS JUST PULLING CRAP OUT OF MY ASS AS I WENT AND TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN!"

His voice pathetically cracked and echoed around the planet's perpetually broiling Baked Alaska Flambé core. Rivers of snot and tears dribbled down his desperate face. Ladybug's dead stare didn't break for a single second and Astruc feared she hadn't been swayed at all.

_"I'M SORRY—I'M SORRY—I'M SORRY—"_

Animaestro and Ladybug turned to the looping apology-confession video on the little screen of Chat Noir's battle-staff.

"Send a copy to you and everyone on Earth if you let him live," Chat Noir offered.

Ladybug smiled. "Deal!" She pulled Astruc to safety and plucked off his domino mask. "Wow, that was a lot of restraint you just showed, Chat. I would've easily kissed you or even slept with you for that video." She crushed the mask and started the de-evilizing process.

Chat Noir stared at the Send button he'd just pressed for nothing. "...Fuck."

* * *

_Later, at the premiere:_

"This is truly a historic day," Nadia Chamak said to the news camera. In the background, there were massive burnings of the Book of Astruc. The monks snapped their colored pencils and fed them to the flames. "In what can only be described as an international movement, the Church of Astruc has been dismantled after Astruc's confession of filling our world with torment and chaos for his own amusement. The Pope has stripped Astruc of his holy status, saying, 'I never believed in that jerk anyway. He never responded to any of my tweets.' This has many people wondering how will we swear now?"

"Same as before but with more spite!" responded some rando in the crowd.

"Yeah!" everyone else agreed.

"The Ladybug and Chat Noir movie premiere is still on schedule," Nadia added. "Reviews will be pouring in soon."

_ Inside: _

The time had finally come. People filed into the theater to take their seats. Marinette was positioned by the door with one last platter of macarons, nervously checking every face. The person she was waiting for arrived.

"Chloe!" she said. "You can't tell Adrien that I like him, please, please, _PLEASE!_"

"I know you're scared, Dupain-Cheng," Chloe nodded with kind understanding. "Sure, Adri-kins will probably laugh at you and say that the very thought of dating you is disgusting and never once crossed his mind, but that's okay. I was scared too when I stood up to my mommikins. You helped me then. The mean-nice thing to do is for me to help you."

Marinette's mind reeled as it tried to make sense of Chloe's twisted logic. "You know what would be even nicer?" she said, grabbing words out of the air. "Not telling him anything and letting the secret fester in me until I get desperate and lash out and hurt someone! That's so mean it's more than nice!"

Chloe paused. "It is?"

"Yes! It's super nice! Ultra nice! Nicest thing you could possibly do! You should keep your mouth shut! DO IT!"

Chloe thought and thought and thought. And then she thought some more. She thought about every nice lesson she had taken, every hypothetical nice scenario Jean-Something had walked her through. And when she was done thinking, she listened to her conscience. She listened carefully. She listened quietly. And without realizing it Chloe listened patiently.

"No, I'm telling him," she said.

"GAAAH!" Marinette thwacked Chloe across the head with the macaron platter. She dropped like a ton of bricks. "GAAAAAH! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Marinette pulled Chloe to her feet and lightly slapped her back to consciousness. "Chloe? Can you hear me? Are you okay?"

Chloe's eyes fluttered open. "Huh? Wha? Dupain-Cheng? How did I get here? What was I doing?"

"Uh, you were about to take your seat to watch the Ladybug and Chat Noir movie and nothing else!" Marinette blabbed with a wide and guilty smile.

"I feel like I needed to tell Adri-kins something significant... something about a... crush?"

Marinette thwacked her head again.

"Nope, it's gone. Oh well, it probably wasn't important anyway." Completely clueless, Chloe headed inside.

"Please don't have brain damage," Marinette begged as she watched Chloe wobble down the aisle.

"Ahem."

Marinette turned around and was shocked to see Thomas Astruc. "The fuck are _you_ doing here?"

"To give you this." To her further surprise, he pressed into her hands his event-pass lanyard. "I fucked up your life, Marinette, and I can never unfuck it up," he said. "That's the long and short of it. And I am honestly, truly sorry."

The anger in Marinette subsided for a moment. He really was sorry. For a second, she didn't hate him.

"The only way to make this right is to tell you that you can stop being Ladybug by saying you quit—"

"Already did that," Marinette said.

"Oh..." Astruc awkwardly shuffled his feet. "Well, don't let it get you down. I'm sure you can beat Duusu and Nooroo."

"Did you plan for me to win in your _holy design_?" she sassed.

"No," he admitted. "I planned this whole Miraculous thing to be a neverending hell, endless loop, syndication sort of thing. But I also never planned to be headbutted to the center of the Earth. Just because I didn't plan it doesn't mean you can't do it. You can win, Marinette."

There was a twinkle of hope in Marinette's eyes. "You really think so?"

Astruc patted her shoulder. "If anyone can fight her way out of this, it's you, mon petit chou."

There was a quiet moment between the two. A moment of understanding and acceptance. Maybe even a moment of peace.

"Enjoy the movie," Astruc said and left.

Marinette didn't stop him and she didn't say goodbye. Despite everything Astruc had put her through, she was still a little sad to see him go. She had the strongest feeling that their paths would never cross again.

_ Later: _

Marinette took her seat, the event-pass around her neck and a serene smile on her face. She felt like a great weight of hatred had been lifted off her shoulders and replaced with a blanket of closure. She may have still been Ladybug, but a large thorn in her life had been removed and the relief made her misty-eyed.

"Marinette, you made it!"

The girl's head snapped to the side with an audible _pop!_ She was sitting next to her Adrien. The boy of her dreams beamed at her.

"I—I—I—" she wheezed.

"This is so awesome!" Adrien cheered. "The three of us are going to see the movie together."

Kagami leaned out of the other seat next to Adrien. "I am so excited," she said in her monotone, quickly checked her phone, and then molded her face into a horrifically sharp grin that looked like it belonged on a shark.

"You—You—You—"

"Just a heads up, Kagami," Adrien said. "I get scared easily, even in action movies like this. I'll end up grabbing you and holding you for comfort during the intense moments."

"If you do that, Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, I may strike you," Kagami replied. "My fighting instincts are engraved too deep."

"YOU CAN HOLD ME!" Marinette blurted.

"I can? Oh thank you, Marinette. You're a true friend."

Marinette stifled her painful shout from the minor heart attack as the house lights dimmed. The movie and the series of Adrien hugs were about to begin.

_BOOOM!_

A great glowing portal tore open in the screen. Not _on_ the screen. _In_ it! A dimensional rift had come into existence!

"It worked! It worked! Schrödinger, you magnificent bastard, _it worked!_" Astruc cried, running down the aisle. "So long, suckers!" He flipped off the entire theater and jumped through the portal. The rift closed with another _BOOOM!_

Two words appeared on the screen: _LA FIN._ The house lights came on. The movie was over.

"Wow! That was some really good 3-D!" Adrien said. "I really believed Astruc just abandoned us."

END

_*According to the internet, this is a rude way French people refer to the British. It literally means roast beef. I don't get it either._

_** The le rosbif of Japan. It means stupid foreigners._


	27. 24 Miraculous Miraculing Miraculer

_Am I too mean to Chloe?_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_SERIOUSLY, STICK TO THE STORY!_

_{The frog wasn't the only one in space school... he had a rival... squirrel...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 24: Miraculous Miraculing Miraculer  
_By: I Write Big

Paris was on fire!

But, then again, when isn't it on fire these days?

Columns of black smoke blemished the sky as the flames ravaged the city! Fire engines roared! People screamed! Terror echoed down every street!

"Ugh! This is so boring," Chloe whined on the roof of the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel. The Queen Bee signal shined brightly into the smoke as it had during every Akuma battle since before Scarlet Moth. And like every Akuma battle, Ladybug hadn't shown up to give her the Bee Miraculous.

"I HATE PAY-CHANCE!" Chloe roared.

"Pa-_tience_," Sabrina gently corrected. "You know what'll make you feel better, Chloe? How about you dress as Ladybug and we practice kissing again?"

"No!" Chloe stomped to the roof's edge and glared at the Eiffel Tower as the monument imploded. "I am not going to settle for anything less than the real thing! Ladybug has to want me! She has to _need_ me! SHE CAN'T ABANDON ME LIKE MOMMIKINS!" she screeched on the verge of tears.

Sabrina gasped. "Chloe! You haven't been going to therapy as I told you, have you?"

"No, Mistress," Chloe sighed. "Why would I need therapy? My mommikins is back in my life. I don't resent her, I don't lay awake at night fearing that if I do the wrong thing she'll leave me again, I'm not projecting anything!"

Her mommikins poked her head through the door. "Chloe, hhhI'm leaving—"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"—to get some hhhhand cream. Do hhhyou need anything?"

"Oh." Chloe cleared her throat and smiled through her embarrassment. "No."

While the girls were venting, a third-party was spying. Mayura flashed a mad grin at Chloe. The emotional anguish coming off the girl made the monster salivate.

"Mayura! _Mayura!_" Hawkmoth's voice raged from the peacock fan. "You bring Nathalie back this instant."

"If she didn't want to go for a walk—" the blue woman said calmly, then her demeanor abruptly twisted to unstable, _("—then she shouldn't have said, 'Spread My Feathers!'")_

"It was a mistake! We were discussing my winter lineup! It has a lot of feather boas! I'm bringing them back into fashion!"

"Still counts," Mayura snickered. _("Knock knock.) _Who's there? _(A girl with mommy issues who looks like a lot of fun!")_

Hawkmoth went pale. "Oh no..."

The girl who had Mayura's attention clenched her phone as she listened to Nadia Chamak narrate the Akuma battle. In a matter of seconds, Ladybug, Chat Noir, Rena Rouge, and Carapace had won. Chloe watched the wave of magical ladybugs wash over the city and put out all the fires. The day had been saved.

Without her.

Again.

Chloe pulled out the selfie she had taken with Ladybug many months ago. She traced a longing finger over the heroine's annoyed, _get-the-fuck-off-me_ face.

In the middle of her moping, Sabrina held her friend close. "I know it's hard, Chloe, but I'm still here. I won't abandon you. I'll never leave you behind. I lov—"

"YOU'RE NOT LADYBUG, YOU DON'T COUNT!"

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

Ladybug, Carapace, and Rena Rouge landed in an alley, hidden from any prying eyes. The latter two transformed back into their civilian selves.

"Ha! Another successful hunt!" Trixx beat her chest in victory and snuggled against Alya's face. "Who's a good Muffin? You are! Who's good at hunting the human resistance filth? You are! Yes, you are!"

"That was amazing!" Alya gushed. "As long as I ignore the fact that I'm now a child soldier in a seemingly perpetual demon war that can only end in my death, I love being a hero!"

"Yeah!" Nino agreed. "Wait, what was that about a demon war?"

"Hero?" Trixx asked suspiciously. "Don't you mean slave?"

It got very quiet.

Wayzz quickly snatched the Miraculouses and tossed them to Ladybug. Both kwamis vanished from existence.

"Thanks for the help, bye-eeeeeeeee!" Ladybug said quickly and swung away.

"No, seriously," Nino said. "Why did your genie-thing say slave and what war are you talking about?"

"Poor, sweet, naive Nino." Alya shook her head and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "Lemme explain the crap storm you've gotten yourself into."

_Back at the Eiffel Tower:_

Ladybug landed next to Chat Noir and the boy asked, "Still haven't talked to her, huh?"

His partner stared blankly at him. "Talked… to… who… exactly?"

"I understand why you're wary to use her," Chat Noir continued. "It can be dangerous, secret identities and all that, but she at least deserves to hear it from you."

"Hear what from me? Who? Can I get fucking name?"

Chat Noir blinked and then said like it was obvious, "Chloe."

Ladybug spasmed with a look of horror. "Oh fuck..."

"Yeah, I totally get that since the entire city, including Hawkmoth, knows she's Queen Bee it's a gamble to give her powers."

Ladybug began to tremble. "Oh fuck."

"But just ignoring her all this time without an explanation, especially after you told Chloe that she could be Queen Bee, might come off as mean."

"Y'up!" Ladybug shouted with a super-guilty smile. "That's why I haven't gone to Chloe all this time! Strategy, identities, and all the crap you said! I didn't forget she existed! Nope! I should go talk to the girl who was raised to respond violently to neglect now before she responds violently to my neglect!"

Her earrings beeped.

"FUCK!"

With no time to get to the hotel before she de-transformed, Ladybug headed for school.

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Duusu zipped around Gabriel's office, excitedly chatting, "I like this Chloe! I like her a lot! Problems at home, bad at relationships, and stuck with Pollen? She's dripping with fun, fun, _fun!_ We should akumatize her next, Gabe!"

"Out of the question!" Gabriel shot back as he replaced the pale and sickly Nathalie's blood bag. "She's too unstable. I made that mistake twice now and both times Chloe nearly destroyed the world."

"She whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Duusu's demonic eyes sparkled with stars.

"Yeah, she totally did," Nooroo confirmed with an evil smile.

"I need to see this," Duusu whispered in awe.

"No! You! Don't!" Gabriel reared on the kwamis. "Chloe will never be akumatized and you, Duusu, are never transforming Nathalie ever again!"

There was a pause.

Nooroo leaned over and whispered into Duusu's nonexistent ear, "Watch this." Nooroo then flew to Gabriel with a look of remorse. "You're right, Gabriel, we're sorry, we got too excited. We won't akumatize Chloe, we promise."

"Good." Gabriel nodded firmly.

"But you know..." Nooroo continued with a hint of sinister intent. "It's only a matter of time until she becomes something so much worse. An Akuma can be de-akumatized, but a person needs emotional support. All those issues of hers, they'll just keep growing and growing until they have nowhere else to go and… _pop!_"

Gabriel stiffened. "Oh my Astruc, you're right. We need to help Chloe."

"Oooh! OOOH!" Duusu eagerly jumped in. "I know who can help, Gabe!"

_Later, at a park:_

Lila Rossi was reading the bank account information she had stolen from somebody by lying to them about how she was a long lost relative/Nigerian princess when a limo pulled up behind her bench. The window rolled down and Gabriel Agreste stuck his head out.

"Hi, intern, are you ready for your first assignment?" he asked.

"I'm more than ready, Mr. Agreste," Lila replied maliciously. "Whatever you need to be done in order for you to lower your guard even further so my hostile takeover of the Gabriel Brand will go smoothly."

"That's what I like to hear. Enthusiasm! Alright, intern, your target is Chloe Bourgeois."

"Chloe," Lila sneered. "That snot-nosed brat thinks she's so great just because she's trying to be nicer. I'll show her nice..."

"I need you to be her friend," Mr. Agreste said.

Lila's sneer faltered for a moment but was then replaced with her signature sly grin. "Oh, _her friend_, right, I got ya." She winked at him. "Gain her trust and all that?"

"Exactly," Mr. Agreste nodded kindly, not an ounce of hidden meaning behind his sincere words. "Show her that there's at least one person in this world who won't abandon her."

"The whole nine yards, all the way, BFFs you mean? I can make that happen." Lila rubbed her hands together like a villain, tons upon tons of hidden meaning behind every single one of her vile words. "I'll make Chloe truly believe that I'm there for her. MuahahahHAHAHAHAAH**HAHAHAAHAHAHAA!**"

"You got this. Good luck, intern." Mr. Agreste drove away. "There, now we don't have to worry about Chloe anymore."

Duusu and Nooroo high-fived.

* * *

_Later, at school:_

Marinette frantically searched the courtyard. "Chloe? Chloe, are you here? Chloe?"

"Rena Rouge and Carapace are so tacky!" she heard a familiar someone bitch.

"Chloe!" Marinette followed the bitching to a corner where the girl she was looking for complained to a group of their classmates.

"Why does Ladybug keep using them when I, Chloe Bourgeois, a-k-a, Queen Bee, the most nicest, the most humble, the most pay-chance person in all of Paris—"

"Chl—"

"Chloe!" Lila shoved Marinette into a trash can and skipped to the blonde. "Hey, everyone, could you give Chloe and me some space? You all have horrible breath."

"We are sorry, Lila!" the class wailed and crawled away. "We are vermin in your presence. All hail Lila! Praise be to Lila!"

Chloe examined Lila from top to bottom. "Uh… who are you and why the ugly bangs?" she asked, slightly disgusted.

"Hahaha! Oh, Chloe, you're such a riot," Lila said sweetly. "It's me, Lila."

"Never heard of you," Chloe said flatly.

"We're in the same class together."

"Not ringing a bell."

"The school literally threw me a parade when I cured Hep-C."

Chloe stared at Lila, drawing a complete blank.

Lila resumed laughing sweetly. "Hahaha! What a sense of humor you have, just like Ladybug said."

"Ladybug!?" Chloe snapped to attention. She lifted Lila into the air by her collar and shook her. "You know Ladybug?! Tell me! TELL ME!" Chloe caught herself and put Lila down. "I mean, ahem, oh, you know Ladybug? How interesting. Tell me more, p—pllllll—plllleeeeeeeeeeeech— Ugh! I still can't get the magic word right."

"Oh, me and Ladybug? It's mostly physical, but she's always there for me when I need her. If I ever feel like a makeout sesh..." Lila made her sly grin. "I just do the Ladybug Dance."

Chloe squinted at Lila. "Ladybug Dance? What kind of an idiot do you take me for?"

"First-class."

"You're Astruc-damn right." Chloe snapped her fingers and dozens of butlers appeared with platters full of gold bars and pyramids of cash. "How much do you want for the Dance?"

"'How much?'" Lila gasped as if she was appalled. "Chloe, I'll tell you how to do the Ladybug Dance for free. That's what friends do."

"Friends..." Chloe squeaked out the sacred word as her eyes started to go misty. "You actually want to be my… _friend?_"

Lila coiled an arm around Chloe like a snake. "Who wouldn't want to be friends with the new nice Chloe Bourgeois?" And as a joyous tear rolled down Chloe's cheek, Lila whispered the Dance into her ear. "Just do that and Ladybug will come running, unless of course she isn't really your friend. Bye, new friend!"

It had finally happened. Chloe could hardly believe it. After all the nice lessons and apologies and the stupid pay-chance, she'd finally made a friend. The sensation of being wanted and cared for was better than she could've ever imagined, almost as fulfilling as her mommikins telling Chloe that she loved her. That hadn't happened yet but she hoped it would be amazing.

"GAAH!" A trash can toppled over nearby and Marinette crawled out. "Ugh… my head… CHLOE!" Marinette shot to her feet and ran to the girl. "Please don't be mad at Ladybug. She'll talk to you today, I swear. You may not like what she has to say but… Chloe?"

The girl was staring off into the distance as if she were in a dream.

"Chloe, yoo-hoo, can you hear me?"

"Friend," Chloe giggled and went to class.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man patting himself on the back. "A job well done. Lila really stepped up. I've never felt Chloe so happy. At this rate, she'll never be akumatized for the rest of her life. It's nice to see everything working out for once."

A few feet behind him, Nathalie moaned and groaned on her gurney, trying to get the Knock-Knock jokes out.

"Take it easy, Nat," Duusu consoled. "Deep slow breaths. Let's try a few mental exercises to clear your head. What do you call putting butter on bread?"

"Uh… spread."

"Yes! What's the opposite of your?"

"...My..."

"Correct! You're good at this! Last question. What's this made of?" Duusu pulled out a _feather_ boa.

* * *

_ Later: _

School was over and everyone was heading home. In particular, Chloe pranced to her solid gold limo, happier than anyone had ever seen her.

"I have a frieeend! I have a frieeend!" she sang to herself over and over, causing many to stare. As her limo pulled away, Marinette was practicing her lines behind a bus stop.

"Chloe, I know I said you could be Queen Bee, but merde happens and well—No, that's terrible. Chloe, it's not that I forgot about my promise and all the progress you've made to become a better person and completely abandoned you like your mom—That's even worse! Okay, c'mon, you can do this, Marinette. Chloe, you can't be Queen Bee, I'm sorry. How was that, Tikki?"

"Wear a helmet and a bulletproof vest and you'll only lose your limbs," Tikki said. "Probably."

Trembling as if she were marching to her own execution, Marinette transformed into Ladybug and swung toward the hotel.

_ Meanwhile: _

"D'aww, Chloe is making Sabrina dress up as Lila." Hawkmoth took a second to digest that. "That's… not creepy, right? Is that creepy, Nathalie?" He turned and saw her gurney was empty.

"Nathalie?"

No response.

"Duusu?"

No response.

"Uh oh."

_Blocks away:_

Mayura took a deep invigorating breath atop a rooftop. "Ahhhh, there's nothing like the smell of _(city sewage in the morning.)_ It smells like _(victory.")_

"Mayura!" Hawkmoth raged from her fan. "I told you no more transforming Nathalie."

"What's that, Gabe? _(Kshhh!)_ I can't hear you. _(Kshhh!)_ Bad—_(Kshhh!)_—ction. _(Kshhh!) _Going through a tunnel—_(Kshhh!)—_call you back."

Mayura snapped her fan shut and madly grinned down at a park where a woman was pushing a baby stroller. The baby within was making quite a ruckus.

"Lollipop! Lollipop!" baby August wailed over and over.

"Speak to me, August!" the woman cried. "Don't let the gypsy's curse beat you. Remember, you are not a baby, you're a grown man, you're my husband. We're only sixty good deeds away from reversing the spell!"

Mayura bounced on the balls of her feet. "Time for _(fun, fun, fun!)_" She plucked a feather from the fan and filled it with darkness. With a puff of breath, she sent the Amuk down to the baby where it shattered on August's pacifier.

Instantly a ten-story goliath made of car-sized lollipops came into being before them!

"Hi there, kid!" it said. "I'm the Lollipop King, here to bring sugar and happiness to every boy and girl and everything in between!" The Sentimonster introduced itself with a little dance. However, since its head was a literal lollipop with no mouth, its peaceful greeting came out as a booming and terrifying, "Huuuaaaraa! Uuuuuuuuooooooaoaaaaaaaaaaa!" And since it was ten-stories tall, the Lollipop King's whimsical jig meant to bring smiles to children's faces ended up crushing several buildings.

"MONSTER!" August's wife cried and wheeled them away, leaving August's pacifier behind.

"Don't run," the Lollipop King tried to say. "I'm your friend." But again, with no mouth, it came out as, "Uuuuuuuraaaaaruuuuuu!"

The mighty cry caught the attention of everyone. It caught the attention of Ladybug who was grateful for one more distraction before she had to face Chloe. It caught the attention of Chloe. She ran for the hotel roof. It caught the attention of Ape-Man who put the pedal to the metal and took the fast and the furious route home and carried Adrien all the way to his room.

When he was alone, Adrien quickly transformed into Chat Noir and joined Ladybug.

"Talk about an aggressive sweet tooth, huh, M'Lady?" Chat Noir smirked.

Ladybug gave him his mandatory slap across the face and said, "Chat, something weird is going on around here. I'm not seeing any akumatized objects on this Akuma."

"Hello, new colorful animal-friends. Do you want a hug?" The Lollipop King reached out its hardened sugary arms and obliterated the building the heroes were on.

"That's because it's not an Akuma, LB," Chat Noir pleasantly explained as they jumped to a new building. "It's a Sentimonster. Don't tell me you forgot about those too. It's like an Akuma, except instead of a person being transformed into a villain, their negative emotions just create a mindless monster out of nothing."

Ladybug stared at him, then at the Sentimonster, then at her fists. "So what you're saying is… there's no innocent person in there and I can just kill it?" she asked eagerly.

Chat Noir thought about this. "Huh. I guess so."

Ladybug cracked her knuckles. "Me likey."

_At the Grand Paris Hotel:_

Chloe burst onto the roof and flipped on the Queen Bee signal. "This is it! Today's the day! I can feel it!" she said. "Hurry up, Sabrina!"

Sabrina obediently joined, adjusting her new Lila wig and costume. From her phone, they heard Nadia narrating the fight once more.

"And it looks like Ladybug has ripped one of the lollipop monster's arms off and is breaking its legs with it," Nadia said.

"Any minute now," Chloe said, watching the battle in the distance.

"She's used her Lucky Charm and summoned a… a chainsaw? Um, we might need to censor this broadcast."

"Any minute now."

"Wow, Ladybug is thirsty for blood today, folks. If that thing could bleed, all of Paris would be red right now."

"Any minute now."

"How is that poor thing still alive? Killing it now would be a mercy."

"Any… minute..." Chloe's hope began to fade. Seeing her best friend like this, Sabrina quickly stepped in.

"How about I grab the Ladybug and Chat Noir costumes and you can pretend Lila is the new Ladybug and you can practice kissing her?"

"Yeah, yeah, shush, you're gonna make me miss it," Chloe shooed her away. As soon as she was alone, Chloe remembered the Ladybug Dance that Lila had told her about. She'd been too overjoyed from having a friend to realize how embarrassing the Dance was until just now. There was no way in hell she'd perform this Dance in front of anybody.

Chloe looked around.

The coast was clear.

She took a deep breath and, for the first time in her entire life, put her trust in friendship. As per Lila's instructions, Chloe pressed her fists against her sides and flapped her elbows. At the same time, she stomped her feet and bobbed her head while reciting the sacred incantation.

"I don't wanna be a chicken.  
I don't wanna be a duck.  
I wanna be with Ladybug.  
Na na na na."

She repeated this over and over, again as per Lila's instructions, continuing the sacred Dance and shutting the rest of the world out of her mind.

Jean-Something entered. "Mademoiselle—"

"I don't wanna be a chicken.  
I don't wanna be a duck.  
I wanna be with Ladybug.  
Na na na na."

"Never mind." Jean-Something left.

Her daddikins entered. "Chloe-kins, have you seen my—"

"I don't wanna be a chicken.  
I don't wanna be a duck.  
I wanna be with Ladybug.  
Na na na na."

"Where did I go wrong?" Her daddikins left.

Her mommikins entered. "Chloe, darling, it just hhhoccured to me I never told you that I love you—"

"I don't wanna be a chicken.  
I don't wanna be a duck.  
I wanna be with Ladybug.  
Na na na na."

"hhhAnd I guess I never will." Her mommikins left.

_Back in the fight:_

"No! Please! I only wanted to spread joy and candy!" the Lollipop King begged as Ladybug pressed the chainsaw's polka-dotted teeth to its head. Again, its pleas came out as a monstrous, "Uoa! Ooou! Uuuuuauauauuuoooooo!"

_VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!_

The chainsaw sliced the lollipop head in half. The Lollipop King stopped moving.

"That was very therapeutic," Ladybug said.

"Well done, LB," Chat Noir said, a little weirded out. He had not moved from his spot during the entire fight which had been more of a slaughter. "But you only needed to de-evilize the Amuk." He pointed at August's pacifier on the ground.

"Ugh. Boring." Ladybug crushed the pacifier and cocked an eyebrow at the feather that floated out. "How can a little feather cause so much chaos?" she asked absently.

The feather went up Chat Noir's nose. He turned pale. "Uh oh, allergic, ahh… ahhh… AAAA—"

Ladybug ducked.

_Back at the hotel:_

Chloe gawked as the waves of magical ladybugs cleaned up the sugary leftovers. She'd thought the explosive sneeze that had destroyed several buildings was a sign that the battle was still raging on. "But-but-but I did the Ladybug Dance!" she shouted to the heavens. "Why didn't it work?! I did everything Lila told me—"

And then it clicked.

"Lila..."

Chloe's grip on the roof's railing tightened until the stone cracked.

"Lila!"

Her teeth clenched until they cracked too.

"THAT LYING COCKSUCKING WHORE! I'M GOING TO KILL HER!"

Sabrina entered with the Ladybug and Chat Noir costumes, still dressed as Lila. "Chloe, I'm back! Did you still want to practice kissing Lila as Ladybug or do a little whipping as Chat Noir?"

Chloe snapped around, murder in her eyes. In her rage, Sabrina's costume became real and Lila was before her. "Lila, you lied to me!" she growled.

"Lied? Lila?" _Lila_ gasped. "Lila is perfect in every way. She'd never tell a lie. All hail Lila. Praise be to—"

Chloe grabbed _Lila_ and slammed her against the door. "I trusted you, Lila!" Chloe shouted. "You said you were my friend!"

_Lila_ shuddered in ecstasy and drooled a little. "Ooh, you're taking back the Dom pin, Chloe? It's about time. Harder."

"You think you're better than me? I'm a hero! You're nothing!"

"Mmmm! Harder, Mistress!"

Blinded by fury, Chloe dragged _Lila_ across the building and held her over the roof's edge. The hard unforgiving street waited far below.

"That's what I'm talking about, Mistress!" _Lila_ squealed in delight. "Give it to me! Make me beg for forgiveness!"

The Lila wig slipped off and the illusion broke.

Chloe blinked.

She quickly pulled Sabrina to safety and stepped away in shock.

"Mistress," Sabrina whined. "I didn't say banana."

"Go away." Chloe dropped to the floor and pulled out her selfie with Ladybug. All the rage was gone. There was only despair.

"What? But Chl—"

"I don't want to play with you anymore!"

Sabrina could tell she meant it and it hurt her. Like a whipped puppy, she gathered the costumes and left Chloe alone.

_ Meanwhile: _

Hawkmoth gawped. "Holy fuck!" he said. "What the fuck just happened? How did Chloe go from ultimate happy to ultimate depressed? Lila is going to get some very bad marks on her performance review."

He suddenly noticed there was a butterfly in his hand.

"Uh, Noor—" It suddenly became difficult to speak as his other hand covered the butterfly without him wanting to and filled it with darkness.

"Nooroo, you promised!" he struggled to say.

_I had my fingers crossed._

"You don't have fingers!"

_Details._

The Akuma fluttered out the spiral window and found Chloe. It shattered on her photo of Ladybug. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Chloe, Chloe, Chloe," Nooroo said with Hawkmoth's mouth. "Always a fountain of entertainment. Let's go get that Bee Miraculous together and make Queen Wasp Three: Revenge of the Bitch."

She said nothing.

"Chloe?" Nooroo prompted.

Her eye twitched.

"Uh oh, I think she's frozen. Might need to reboot her—"

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

The powerful shout hit Hawkmoth like a speeding train, flinging him down the mini-elevator shaft, through Gabriel's office, out the window, and into the front yard where he landed unceremoniously in a pile of manure.

"Wha happun?" Hawkmoth deliriously asked through several chewy chunks.

_She said no._

"They can say no?!"

_Yes, and you have you to respect that._

"You never listen when I say no!"

_I don't respect you._

_ Meanwhile: _

Chloe chucked the possessed Ladybug photo away. Instantly the Akuma fluttered out of the object, harrumphed at the girl, and fluttered off. It didn't need Chloe's approval. The Akuma could already sense another source of negativity.

As she watched the insect go, Chloe was washed with newfound purpose. "I did it," she whispered. "I actually did it."

_BLAM!_

The Pink Devil appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. "Don't worry, Chloe, I'll save—" She saw the Akuma flutter into the building. "Wait. You resisted it?"

"I resisted it all on my own!" Chloe cheered.

"Holy Big Red X!" the Pink Devil cried in dismay. "But I did everything right! How are we still in the timeline where you turn evi—" Timetagger tackled the Pink Devil off the roof.

_In the elevator:_

Sabrina sulked, clutching the costumes to her chest. She was so bad at being the Mistress, no wonder Chloe was stressed. If only they could go back to the good old days. She shed a nostalgic tear as she remembered them dressing up as Ladybug and Chat Noir and chasing the dastardly Mr. Big Mustachio through the hotel's death traps.

_Please, Mademoiselle, I have a family!_ he'd always beg as he ran through the swinging axes.

She remembered the tickle fights that always ended with her tied to the bed and begging for release.

_Yes, Mistress, don't stop! Don't stop!_ she'd cry as her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

And most endearingly, she remembered the post-play cuddle seshes on the roof, watching the sunset, drinking hot cocoa, rubbing lotion on her bruises. It was perfect.

_Banana! BANANA!_ Chloe would scream whenever Sabrina tried to hug her. Now Chloe almost never wanted to play Ladybug and Chat Noir. Instead, all she wanted was hugs. It was so confusing. Things were simpler back then.

The black butterfly shattered on her Chat Noir battle staff. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man buried in manure.

"What the—" Hawkmoth started to say before his face went slack and a sinister grin appeared. "Hello there. What's your name?"

* * *

_Back at the park:_

"That was an easy fight," Ladybug said after the city was put back together, "but I can't help feeling like I forgot to do something very important."

"Did you?!" snarled someone new. Just then a cotton-candy-haired girl in a black jumpsuit twirling a tonfa landed on the park's merry-go-round. "Was it perhaps _talking to Chloe?_" Miraculer shouted. "Ladybug, you've ignored Chloe for the last time!"

Ladybug blinked. "Oh yeah, you're right! Thanks for reminding me. I'll head on over there right now." She turned toward the hotel and walked away.

"Wait! Hey! Hold on!" Miraculer sputtered. She dashed after Ladybug and jabbed her in the back with her tonfa. Instantly, rows of ladybug symbols appeared on her black jumpsuit. "Aha!" the villain cackled. "I've taken away your Lucky Charm, Ladybug! Its powers now belong to me! Behold!" Miraculer threw her tonfa into the air and called out, "Lucky Charm!"

Into her hands fell a polka-dotted pencil eraser.

Miraculer stared.

Chat Noir stared.

Ladybug guffawed. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I figured as much. Have fun figuring out that useless power. Chat Noir, kick her ass, will ya?" She swung away.

"With pleasure, Bugaboo," he replied. "CataclHUGHU!" he rasped as a pencil eraser was chucked into his throat. Miraculer's tonfa connected with his stomach and green pawprints joined the rows of ladybugs.

"Cataclysm!" Miraculer shouted and her tonfa coursed with Ultimate Destruction. She jammed the weapon into Chat Noir's ribs. The cat-boy was flung through the park fence and he mowed down several buildings.

Hawkmoth whooped! "YEEEES! WOOO! Nooroo and Duusu might've started this for the wrong reasons, but we did it! We defeated Chat Noir! Take his Miraculous, Miraculer!"

The Akuma followed the trail of wreckage to an alleyway where she found… Adrien Agreste!

"Uh… Chat Noir went that way?" he said, gripping his ribs in obvious pain.

"You can't escape me, Chat Noir!" Miraculer proclaimed, darting in the direction Adrien had pointed. The boy slid to the ground, moaning and groaning.

"What is this?" Plagg whined. "Is this pain? Am I in pain right now? This sucks! UGH! I promise to be a good tyrant over humanity. No pain."

"Plagg, we just got Cataclysmed in the ribs. Shouldn't we be dust by now?"

"I don't know what's gonna happen, man. This has never happened to me before. Anything can happen! ANYTHING!"

_Pop._

Plagg grew a nose.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

Fu placed the Miraculous Box at Marinette's feet and feebly backed away. "You must be facing tough Akuma if you need allies again, Marinette."

"Akuma?" Marinette scoffed. "I'm telling Chloe that she can't be Queen Bee, I need all the muscle I can get." She grabbed the Miraculouses she needed, including the Bee Miraculous.

"Wait, why you take Bee Miraculous if—"

"Fu, trust me, it's the only way, I know how Chloe thinks."

* * *

_ Later: _

Ladybug landed on the roof where she was supposed to meet Chat Noir. She saw the tips of his ears peeking over a chimney. "Chat, I got the Bee Miraculous. I need you to give it to Chloe—OH MY ASTRUC!"

Slouching before her, heavily leaning on his battle staff as it were a walking stick, was a wrinkled, skin-and-bones, seventy-something senior citizen in Chat Noir's leather.

"Huh? What's that? Who's talking?" Old Chat Noir raised a trembling hand to his hairy ear and listened carefully. "Speak up, young whippersnapper."

"Chat Noir? What the fuck happened to you?!"

"Oh, M'Lady!" he wheezed excitedly and flashed his gums at her. "Was wondering when you and your sweet booty would get here. I took a Cataclysm to the ribs and, wouldn't you know it, the darn thing is rapidly aging me to death. Shame you didn't get here thirty-minutes ago. I was a heartstopping silver fox. Since then, I've lost a kidney, complete control of my bladder, and nearly all of my hearing. But I still got my abs." He very slowly flexed. He indeed still had his abs. "Now, what needs doing?" He saw the Bee Miraculous and snatched it before she could stop him. "One Miraculous for Chloe, coming right up."

"Um, are you sure you can still fight?" she asked warily.

"Fight? I got twenty more years left in me at least. To battle!" He shook a bony fist and very slowly shuffled with the energy of a Spartan warrior in the opposite direction of the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel.

Ladybug picked him up and spun him around.

_Meanwhile with Chloe:_

Mayura was watching her new most favorite toy in the world with great anticipation. "Here it comes, here it comes, _(here it comes!")_

The madwoman's snickers went unheard as Chloe leaned against the roof railing with a look of deep contemplation. It had been quite a day. She'd gotten angry at the world before but this time felt different. After the screaming and yelling, that endless loathing aimed at some nameless thing she couldn't put her finger on didn't return as it always had. There was no anger. There was no hate. There was only the photo of Ladybug that had nearly akumatized her still by her feet, still on her mind.

"Chloe!" Miraculer descended onto the rooftop with a twirl. "Good news! I took away Ladybug's powers and I can give them to you! You can finally be Ladybug, just like you always dreamed of!"

Chloe's head slowly turned to Miraculer, not even a hint of surprise from her appearance.

"Sabrina, I don't want to be Ladybug," Chloe said. She didn't spare a glance at the red polka-dotted orb that glowed on the tip of Miraculer's tonfa.

Miraculer blinked. "Uh, I'm not Sabrina, I'm Mira—"

"Sabrina!"

"Yes, Mistress!" Miraculer snapped to attention.

"I don't want to be Ladybug," Chloe repeated calmly. Her words slipped out with the serenity of a Buddhist monk who had achieved true enlightenment. "I used to. I really did. I used to dress up as Ladybug for everything: eating out, swimming, sleeping, being awake, but that was just me hiding." She picked up the Ladybug selfie and gazed peacefully at it. "Ever since mommikins left, I latched onto Ladybug, built her up to be someone she wasn't because I was afraid of being powerless, useless, ignored, unable to control my world. And that's okay. Everyone feels powerless sometimes. That's part of life." She smiled. "I don't need power."

Miraculer's jaw dropped.

Mayura's jaw dropped.

Across the city, Hawkmoth's jaw dropped.

"No power? At all? You don't even want Chat Noir's power?" Miraculer asked. "Because I have that too."

"Sabrina..." She pulled the villain into a hug. "I don't _need_ power. Not even Queen Bee's power."

"Really?" asked Chat Noir. Both girls turned to the cat-geezer who was suddenly there, leaning heavily on his battle-staff.

"Grandpa?" Chloe asked. "Why are you dressed like Chat Noir?"

"I am Chat Noir," he claimed. "And I was told to give this to you, Chloe, but if you don't want it..." He held out the Bee Miraculous.

Chloe shoved Miraculer off the roof. "FUCK WHATEVER THE HELL I JUST SAID! GIVE THAT TO ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!" She scrambled like a freak to Chat Noir, clawing for her Precious.

"Cartwheel-yoink!" Mayura said as she flipped between the teens and nabbed the Bee Miraculous. The villain landed on the other side of the roof like a badass and dangled the hair comb enticingly. "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play The Price Is Right! _(With your host: Mayura!)_ Today's contestant is Chloe Bourgeois, come on down!"

Loud applause from an audience nobody could see thundered around them.

"The fuck is going on?" Chloe asked as exciting fanfare music played in the air.

"Sounds like my Father's favorite show is on!" Chat Noir said happily.

"Chloe!" Mayura continued like the world's most overpaid gameshow host. "Today we have for you _(one Bee Miraculous!)_ Asking price: your eternal loyalty to the dark side! _(Do we have a deal?")_

"Deal!" Chloe instantly agreed. The crowd went wild.

"Chloe!" Chat Noir scolded. "They're the bad guys!"

"Ugh, fine," she grumbled. "No deal." The audience booed.

Miraculer jumped back to the roof, ready to fight.

Mayura clapped. ("_Goody!)_ Looks like it's time for the _(Lightning Round!")_

Chat Noir gasped and raised his staff. "Get behind me, Chloe!" _CRACK!_ "Ah! My hip! LB, where are you?"

_ Meanwhile: _

"Get back here!" Ladybug roared, chasing Nino with the Turtle Miraculous. "We need to help Chat Noir before he goes on life support!"

"No, ladydude! I don't wanna be part of your not cool demon war! You can't make me!" Nino wailed.

"Just accept your fate, Nino," Rena Rouge called from the sidelines. "It's much easier."

_Back in the fight:_

"Alright, let's try this again. Lucky Charm!" Miraculer tossed up her tonfa and down came a polka-dotted hairdryer. "How does Hawkmoth keep losing to these morons?! This superpower sucks!"

"Au contraire!" Mayura cackled and flipped the dryer on. The gentle breeze of warm air blew softly against old man Chat Noir's face and his wrinkly skin folds ballooned like a ship's sail.

"Too powerful!" Chat Noir grunted, unable to resist the unrelenting wind, and fell over.

"This feels mean," Miraculer said, lowering her weapon.

"Comedy is tragedy plus time," Mayura replied. _("Clearly we need more tragedy.")_ The madwoman tore the hairdryer from Miraculer's hands and set it to Turbo! The blast of air which was strong enough to barely lift a piece of paper easily pushed the brittle and defenseless Chat Noir toward the roof's edge.

"Whoa! Mayura!" Hawkmoth shouted. "He's too old to survive that fall! Stop!"

"What? I'm just blowing hot air. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Mayura! Stop! Nathalie, you have to make her stop!"

But Mayura kept going, pushing Chat Noir closer and closer to his doom. Even Miraculer was cemented to the floor in horror of what was happening before her. She couldn't do anything! Chat Noir's fate was sealed.

Or was it?!

Suddenly, Chat Noir felt the wind stop, however, he could still hear the dryer's engine grind. He cracked open an eye and saw blocking the dryer with her body was Chloe Bourgeois!

"Chloe! No, get out of the way!" Miraculer cried. "Your hair! Your flawless hair! It'll get _frizzy!_"

"Making sacrifices is what being a hero is all about," Chloe responded coolly.

Miraculer swooned.

Mayura looked confused. "Is uh… is this a joke or am I supposed to take this seriously?"

_WHAM!_

Chloe kicked the hairdryer out of Mayura's hands and it smacked the madwoman in the face. Mayura peeled the thing off and frowned a very ugly frown.

_("Serious. Got it—")_

Chloe tackled Mayura to the ground and beat the ever-living crap out of her.

"She's so hot when she gets angry," Miraculer drooled.

"Hello, look at me, I'm Chloe!" Miraculer whipped around and saw another Chloe step out into the open. "That other Chloe is actually Ladybug in disguise. I'm secretly all about double-crossing Ladybug and taking her powers. Think you can hook me up, Sabrina?"

"Of course, Chloe!" Miraculer gushed. "You're so smart. Here you go." The Akuma pressed the glowing ladybug symbol to Chloe's chest.

"Yippee! My life as a skinsuit is over! Death, take me!" Chloe cheered and disintegrated into golden dust, leaving behind… LADYBUG!

"I can now say I've been inside another woman," the heroine said as a smarmy Rena Rouge and a sobbing Carapace joined her. "Overrated."

"You tricked me!" Miraculer roared and went for a punch.

"Shell-ter..." Carapace grumbled. Miraculer's fist collided with an unbreakable bubble-shield.

"OW! I think I broke my hand!"

_WHAM!_

With one swing, Ladybug knocked Miraculer out cold. "Okay, everyone, get into position, we only get one shot at this," Ladybug ordered and turned her attention to Mayura and Chloe.

"Look at you go!" Mayura said between Chloe's punches to her face that were having no effect. "You're just hitting me over and over _(like an animal. I love it!")_

Ladybug walked over to them and cleared her throat. "Oh no, this Mayura lady has taken the Bee Miraculous!" she said so woodenly she was in danger of turning into a tree. "And Miraculer has got the rest of my team on the ropes!"

Behind her, _Miraculer_ was giving Rena Rouge and Carapace wedgies. "Hello, look at me, I'm Miraculer!"

"If only there was a tough-as-nails kickass superheroine with a _stinging_ wit to match who could save us all. But who, I ask, who could possibly fit that description?"

"Don't fear, Ladybug, I am here!" Chloe proudly said and wrenched the Bee Miraculous from Mayura. She stuck the comb into her hair and said, "Pollen, buzz on!" In a shockwave of gold, she transformed into Queen Bee!

"Ooh! Goody-goody! It's time for the fun!" Mayura clapped. _("Catch me if you can.")_ The madwoman leaped away, delving deeper into the city.

Thinking quickly, Queen Bee ripped a section of roofing guardrail and chucked it at Miraculer. It speared the villain to a wall. "You're welcome, Ladybug," she said. "Now stay here while I take care of this Mayura." She chased after her.

Ladybug stared at the impaled Miraculer.

"Hooray, I'm dead!" she cheered before crumbling to golden dust.

"Ugh! Let's reset and try this again when she gets back," Ladybug said.

"Shouldn't we follow and back Chloe up?" the now eighty-something Chat Noir asked.

"Nah, she'll be fine. What's the worst that can happen?"

_Meanwhile, blocks away:_

"Interesting..." Queen Bee said as she flipped through a pamphlet labeled _The Benefits of Being Evil_. "Worship of the masses, unlimited use of the Bee Miraculous, _and_ a tropical paradise kingdom to rule over?"

"That's right, Chlo-Chlo," Mayura delightfully explained. "And if you join up now, I'll throw in this _(free t-shirt.")_ She held up a _Team GabeNath_ shirt.

"No!" Hawkmoth roared. "Leave her alone, Mayura! She's just a child!" But he went ignored.

"I don't know..." Queen Bee pondered. "If being evil is so great, why isn't everyone evil?"

"If being rich is so great, _(why isn't everyone as rich and fabulous as you?")_

"Good point. Hmmm," Queen Bee thought out loud. "Your offer is tempting. Very tempting. Are there any downsides to going evil?"

_("What? Hahahaha! No!)_ I am completely sane." Mayura suddenly doubled over and grabbed her head. The demonic glint vanished from her eyes and a scared voice came from her lips. "Don't do it, Chloe. Run before it gets you too!"

Mayura slapped herself.

"Whew! Excuse me. Just a little _(hiccup)_ there."

"Hey!" Queen Bee glared daggers at Mayura. "You didn't say anything about getting possessed. You were trying to trick me!"

"Whaaaaat? No." Mayura said with a toothy grin. _("Okay, yes.")_

"You bitch!" Queen Bee flipped around Mayura and put her in a headlock. "I'm not a villain! I'm a hero! I'm going to show Ladybug and the world I have what it takes!" She grabbed Mayura's Peacock Miraculous and ripped it— "Hey, what the—?" She ripped it— "Why won't—?" She ripped it— "Why won't this stupid thing come off?!"

"Hahaha! Oh, let's just say only true love's kiss can break the spell," Mayura snickered.

Hawkmoth blinked. "Wait, really?"

_("You wanna find out, big boy?")_ Mayura flirted. She tossed Queen Bee over her shoulder and disappeared into the city. She was gone. No matter where Queen Bee looked she couldn't find her. Mayura had escaped.

"FUCK!"

_Later, at the hotel roof:_

Queen Bee sulked back, empty-handed and filled with shame.

"Hello, look at me, I'm Miraculer!"

Queen Bee gasped! The villain had recovered! The entire Miraculous team was tied up and held hostage in a green bubble-shield! Well, most of them were tied up. Old Chat Noir was just slumped on the floor, more skeleton than human.

"Uh oh! Looks like I've won! Yessiree, nobody can stop me now!"

"Chloe! Get out of here!" Ladybug cried as if reciting a poorly memorized script. "She's too powerful!"

"I'll save you, Ladybug! Venom!" Queen Bee leaped forward and stung Miraculer with her spinning top. Instantly the Akuma froze in place as if she were turned to stone.

"Not bad, Chloe Bourgeois," cackled a deep voice. Queen Bee turned around and found… HAWKMOTH! "Hello, look at me, I'm Hawkmoth. Guess what! Since I know your secret identity, I'mma keep coming after you and your friends and family over and over until I win. All because I know your secret identity! Wink, wink? Nudge, nudge? Get it? You're Chloe and I know that! This hitting home? I think she's got it. Okay, am I done?" he asked Ladybug. Ladybug nodded. "Hooray! To eternal rest I go!" Hawkmoth jumped off the roof. Nobody saw it, but he was hit by a bus on the way down which splattered him into golden dust.

Hawkmoth's haunting promise echoed in Queen Bee's head as the Miraculous team quietly slipped out of their fake binds and quickly pulled the real Miraculer out from behind a trash can. Ladybug de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The park was put back together.

The roof was repaired.

Chat Noir was de-aged back to his teen self. "Yes! Joints that have cartilage, finally!"

Ladybug shushed him and cautiously approached Queen Bee who was somberly staring off into the distance.

"Uh… Queen Bee? Thanks for rescuing us. Are you okay?" she asked.

"Pollen, buzz off." In a shockwave of gold, Queen Bee became Chloe. She gave the Miraculous to Ladybug. "I'm sorry. I can't be Queen Bee anymore."

"Whaaat? Chloe, what are you talking about?" Ladybug said, discreetly signaling everyone else to put away the Plan B net and sledgehammer.

"Yeah, Chloe, what are you talking about?" Sabrina scampered to her and whimpered, "You can't stop being a hero."

"You heard Hawkmoth. He knows who I am and he'll use that to get to me." She caressed Sabrina's cheek. "And the people I care about. I won't let that happen."

"Oh, Chloe." The two girls hugged each other tightly.

Ladybug watched with a bittersweet smile. It wasn't fair. Chloe had changed so much in such a short time. She'd gone from someone who pushed people into wet cement and spat insults like she had acid for blood to someone who fearlessly fought supervillains without a Miraculous and willingly gave up power for the sake of others. If circumstances had been different, Ladybug truly believed Chloe could've become the greatest hero this world had ever seen.

"Excuse me!" Miraculer butted in. "Do you still need me or can I kill myself?"

"Huh?!" Chloe jerked at the still present villain.

"What the fuck?! Why aren't you gone?" Ladybug screamed.

"Your Miraculous Ladybug doesn't affect me, I'm Rena Rouge's Mirage, remember?"

"SHUT UP!" the entire Miraculous team shrieked and covered Miraculer's mouth.

Chloe's eyes flicked back and forth between Sabrina and the _Akuma_.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Ladybug snapped Miraculer's neck. She happily decayed to golden dust.

"Mirage? What Mirage? I don't see any Mirage," Ladybug said.

Chloe stared at the pile of golden dust.

"PLAN B!" Ladybug shouted.

Rena Rouge tossed the net on Chloe and Sabrina. The heroes ran away.

* * *

_Back at the hidden tower:_

In a pulse of purple and a burst of blue, Hawkmoth became Gabriel and Mayura became Nathalie. Both were very nervous.

"We'll give you two a moment alone," Duusu said mischievously and both it and Nooroo phased through the wall.

The two were by themselves. Well, that's a lie. They weren't by themselves because _IT _was in there with them, digging _IT_s claws into them, making every passing second as unbearably awkward as possible, and turning these grown adults into stammering teens.

"So..." Gabriel said, laser-focused on the spiral window. "True love's kiss."

"Mmm-hmm," Nathalie nodded, finding her blood bucket particularly fascinating.

"..."

"..."

"This could be a trick."

"Definitely."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Might completely backfire."

"For sure."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Might make things worse."

"Not sure how that would be possible."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"But I think we should risk it," Gabriel said.

Nathalie's breath hitched and her heart fluttered. "You do?"

"I do, Nathalie." He stepped closer and took her shoulders. "You're too important to me to not try. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Sir, I..." She forced the jitters away and stood resolutely. "Okay! Let's do it!"

"Yes. Let's."

Nathalie closed her eyes and leaned forward. The anticipation made the next few seconds feel like an eternity, but she'd wait a thousand lifetimes for this!

_Tap-tap-taptaptaptappity-tap-tap._

Nathalie opened her eyes and unpuckered her lips. She saw Gabriel furiously typing on his phone. "There we go," he said. "I made you an online dating profile. Don't worry, Nathalie, we'll find you a boyfriend to fall in love with and kiss in no time!"

_Ding!_

"Ooh! You already have a chat request! Oh wait, that's a Russian bot."

Nathalie collapsed into her gurney, convinced that she was going to die.

* * *

_The next day, at school:_

Lila was lying to everyone about needing to copy their homework because of a secret alien invasion when she was interrupted by Chloe.

"Hey! You! Dead girl!"

Lila grinned slyly. "Chloe! Hi, did the Ladybug Dance wor—"

_WHAM!_

Chloe's fist connected with Lila's jaw and the girl crumpled. Not finished, Chloe grabbed her collar and went to town.

_WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!_

When the third tooth tumbled out of Lila's mouth, Chloe was satisfied. She dropped the sack of shit and waited for Sabrina to wash the lower-middle-class blood off her knuckles. The entire school gawked in mute horror at the violence.

"Y-You… You can't do this to me," Lila slurred dizzily in a puddle of her own drool. "I'm Lila Rossi. I own this school."

Chloe kneeled down and yanked out the fourth tooth. "No, you don't own this school, my daddikins does," she seethed. "And money is stronger than lies, bitch. You ever lie to me again and you'll never chew solid food again." Chloe got up and pressed a fat stack of euros into Principal Damocles' hands. She marched away, broiling with uncontrollable rage. "Anybody who helps her is next," she announced to the school.

Nobody helped Lila.

Nearby, Marinette gulped. "I think Chloe took no longer getting to be Queen Bee well, don't you, Tikki?"

"A few weeks from now, she'll either be everyone's best friend or you'll all be dead by her hands," Tikki wisely predicted.

Chloe picked up a bench and smashed it through a window.

"My money is on dead by her hands," Tikki added with a smile.

END

_I'm embarrassed to admit that I only now realized that Amuk is just Akuma spelled backward with a silent A._


	28. 25 A Fest for the Senseless

_Yes, I know the show spells it 'Amok' but it's still Akuma spelled backward with a silent A. And to make sure you never forget it, I'll will continue to write it as 'Amuk.'_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_A __RIVAL __SQUIRREL? SOUNDS _NUTTY_!_

_{Hey... I thought you said no puns...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 25: A Feast for the Senseless  
_By: I Write Big

It has been two weeks since Thomas Astruc abandoned the world and the world was having a hard time adjusting. The loss of a god tends to leave a hole that people desperately try to fill with reason. Some turn to self-reflection and loved ones.

Others turn to ancient demonic rituals.

"I have consumed the mysterious red liquid from the black sarcophagus and have obtained the Forbidden Knowledge!" Mr. Kubdel, the curator of the Louvre and former time-traveler, announced to the news cameras. Glowing hieroglyphs sprouted across his body and the man levitated toward the museum's ceiling. His voice thundered with cosmic power. "_I now possess the answers to the Universe! The Coca-Cola secret formula! **How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop! ****The true identity of Hawkmoth!****"**_

The crowd of reporters gasped. They had come to see Mr. Kubdel unveil his newest archaeological discovery but they never expected this.

"Nathalie, what's going on? I can't see," Gabriel's voice asked from the tablet Nathalie held.

"Get in the bunker, sir," she replied.

"Tell us, Mr. Kubdel, tell us," Nadia Chamak begged, pointing her mic at him.

**_"I have taken Astruc's throne! I am your god now! Kneel! Worship me! Submi—"_** Mr. Kubdel suddenly began to tremble and shake in the air. His limbs bent the wrong way and his face twisted in indescribable pain. The hieroglyphs shined to blinding levels and from his throat came a horrifying chant.

** _"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"_ **

Writhing tentacles burst out of the man's chest and swiped at the people!

_BLAM!_

The Pink Devil shot into the museum with a blue mini-nuclear explosion and pointed her pocket watch at Mr. Kubdel. Immediately the hieroglyphs peeled off of the man's skin and were sucked into the device. Mr. Kubdel's chest sealed, slicing the tentacles in half, and he dropped to the floor, not a trace of unholy magic left.

"Seriously, dad, I love you, but for the love of Big Red X you gotta stop unearthing world-ending crap," she said just before Timetagger tackled her from behind and they both vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

Mr. Kubdel got back on his feet and adjusted his glasses with embarrassment. "It seems I have lost the Forbidden Knowledge. Oh well… Who wants to see some more potentially world-ending artifacts?"

"We do!" everyone excitedly raised their hands.

In the back of the crowd, a trio of investigators had just arrived. "I don't know what everyone is so worked up about," Marinette said. "If they need a god so bad, they should just pray to Adrien and his flawless glory, like me."

"Or Lila, like me," Alya contributed.

"I'm already kind of a god of time. How come I don't have any disciples?" young Alix demanded.

"Ooh, you know who you should worship, Alix?" Alya said. "The unnamed order of Guardians who are involved with the origins of Ladybug and the Miraculous that I've been secretly investigating."

"Cool!" said Alix.

"Not cool!" Marinette screamed as a ball of ice-cold air expanded from her purse that trembled with rising anger. "Alya, you need to stop before you kill us all! I mean, haha, silly Alya, there's nothing to learn. Ladybug exists, she fights villains, who cares about her origins? I don't. Nobody does!"

"I care," Alix said.

"Shut up!"

"Follow me, you need to see this." Alya eagerly led the two through the Louvre. "According to my research, it's entirely possible that superheroes have actually existed throughout human history!"

The rumbling in Marinette's purse got stronger.

"Look, Ladybug existed in Ancient Egypt!" Alya pointed to a papyrus on the wall that depicted a yo-yo spinning, polka-dotted girl. "And Chat Noir in the medieval ages!" She pointed to an oil painting of a black-armored knight slapping a polka-dotted wench's butt. His armor had a familiar pair of cat-ears and a belt-tail. The wench was whipping an even more familiar yo-yo at the knight's codpiece.

"Oh, I'm sure that's just the world's first furry!" Marinette desperately excused.

"And here! Tell me you don't recognize this," Alya challenged. She pointed to an even bigger painting of a woman in flowing robes, conducting an army of glowing white butterflies that chased after panicking people. The woman's mouth hung open in a mad cackle and the words _I AM HAWKMOTH _blazed over her in a speech bubble. A little blue ball of peacock feathers cheered her on.

"Um… bug… collector…?" Marinette squeaked.

"What about this?" Alya shoved her phone in their faces. On-screen was a greek depiction of Hercules wearing a lion's skin next to a woman with bunny ears. "Lion Miraculous!" Swipe. A Spartan waving a shield with a tortoise-shell theme next to the same woman with bunny ears. "Turtle Miraculous!" Swipe. A Persian assassin with a long foxtail running alongside that same bunny woman. "Fox Miraculous!"

Marinette blinked. "Alix, is that you?"

"What? As if!" Alix scoffed. "I'm a badass time-traveler who's only shtick is that I'm a badass. I wouldn't be caught dead dressed as a bunny. That chick in the floppy ears is probably my great-great-aunt or something."

"And check this out." Alya pointed her phone at a marble statue of a female warrior. "With modern-day technology, we can see how this statue was originally painted." A quick tap and the white marble filled in with red and black polka-dots. On the warrior's banner was the message _TIKKI FUCKED UP!_

The rumblings of Marinette's purse felt more like the beginnings of an earthquake. She grabbed Alya tightly. "Please, Alya! Stop! Before it's too late!"

"These aren't coincidences," Alya powered on. "All these heroes across time and civilizations share the same strange symbol." She swiped through the artworks again, zooming into spots. Every single one had the same message: _TIKKI FUCKED UP!_

Marinette's purse rose into the air, radiating murder. The purse's strap snagged around Marinette's throat and carried her up with it like a noose.

"Here's where things get interesting," Alya continued, not noticing her audience's lynching. "All these depictions of Miraculous heroes around the world suddenly stop somewhere around 200 years ago."

"Or maybe more like 186 years ago!" Marinette frantically said between chokes. "Sounds like somebody about that age _really_ fucked up! Way worse than anyone else!"

The rumbling weakened.

"And despite evidence of these heroes existing throughout all of history, humanity somehow, in 200 years, just… forgot they existed," Alya concluded.

The purse dropped out of the air and Tikki poked her bulbous head out. "You idiots forgot about us?!"

Marinette stuffed the kwami back inside before Alix or Alya saw. "Daaa, I mean, um, we forgot? What are we, a bunch of idiots?"

"Hey… I recognize this symbol," Alix said, squinting at Alya's phone. "It's on the Tibetan statue my dad found."

Marinette went pale. "It's what?"

_ Later: _

The trio returned just in time to see Mr. Kubdel pull the cord. The curtain dropped, revealing his latest discovery. Everyone oohed and aahed at the hunk of hardened lava. In its center sat a statue the size of a small dog. It resembled a rounded frog-like creature. On its eyeless face was carved the indecipherable ancient message _TIKKI FUCKED UP!_

The moment Nathalie saw that message she puked several buckets worth of blood.

"Mr. Kubdel, what can you tell us about this artifact?" Nadia asked.

"Approximately 200-years-old, I discovered it in the heart of a now-dead volcano," Mr. Kubdel informed. "I found it by following a path of destruction leading out of an ancient Binding Circle, meant to imprison demons, that was surrounded by thousands of Tibetan signs that roughly translated to 'Do Not Touch!' and 'This Thing Will Fucking Eat You!' and 'If You're Reading This, Turn Around And Run As Fast As You Can!' and other warnings of that sort."

Everyone in the room slowly backed away from the statue.

"And you still took it?" Nadia asked.

"I'm an archaeologist. I get paid to take crap that doesn't belong to me," Mr. Kubdel replied before swiping somebody's wallet.

In the back of the crowd, Alya was gushing. "200-years-old! The final connection! My theories will be confirmed soon, I can feel it!"

"Alya!" Marinette groveled at her feet and shed tears of sorrow. "I'm begging you! If you're my friend, you can't blog about this stuff! Please!"

The display shocked and moved Alya. She'd messed with Marinette before, but never pushed her this far. It didn't feel right. "Okay, Marinette, I don't get why this has got you so worried, but you have my word, I won't post anything else about my findings."

"Oh thank you, thank—Wait, 'anything _ELSE?!'_"

"Yeah, I uploaded a feature-length documentary on my research this morning, but I swear I won't post anything else."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

_Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:_

Fu and Marinette cowered in the corner while Tikki and Wayzz watched Alya's video.

"And this mysterious message keeps popping up," the pre-recorded Alya explained, pointing to the dozens of _TIKKI FUCKED UP_ inscriptions across history. "What it means is still unknown, but to me, it looks like the symbol of an ancient order, like a group of guardians who have been keeping the Miraculous locked away since the beginning of time. That or it's some kind of old-world QR code."

Tikki paused the video and glared with her glassy doll-eyes at Fu. "What did you do?" she seethed.

"Do? Me not know what you mean?" Fu gulped.

Tikki floated closer like a polka-dotted shark. "200 years ago. All of humanity forgetting about the Miraculous. The damn microwave burrito. Whatever the fuck this thing is." Tikki scrubbed to an image of the frog statue. Instantly, Fu screamed.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! WE NEED RUN! RUN NOW!"

The old man bolted for the door, but Tikki grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. "Talk!"

"IS NOT SAFE! WE NEED RUN! IS NOT SAFE!"

"You're not safe with me unless you TALK!" Tikki's tiny voice managed to shake the house.

Fu wet himself and whimpered. "Okay. Me tell. Is long story…" Fu's sights glazed over as he remembered his youth. "Many many years ago, me chosen to be monk in Guardian Temple. Is great honor."

_Nearly 200 years ago:_

The hundreds of monks prostrated themselves at ten-year-old Fu's feet, while the elder monk begged his parents in their tiny hut. "Please, you must let him come with us. We consulted the prophecy and it is foretold your son will become the greatest Guardian of all time. He is the Chosen One!"

_ SLAP!: _

Fu rubbed the sore cheek Tikki had left red.

"Quit sugarcoating it!" she spat.

Fu grumbled, "Okay..."

_ Nearly 200 years ago, for real this time: _

Fu's parents dropped their ten-year-old son at the temple's door. "We'll give you two cows if you raise him for us," his father said to the monk sweeping the porch of snow.

"Is he smart?" asked the monk.

"No."

"Brave?"

"No."

"Patient?"

"No."

The monk thought it over. "...Throw in a chicken and you got a deal."

_ Later: _

"You live here now," the monk said, pushing young Fu into the janitor's closet. "Keep this place clean and don't go near the Miraculous."

The next several years of Fu's life were spent scrubbing the temple from top to bottom, day after day. Fu didn't complain, he rather enjoyed it. Not once did he climb down from the Temple's mountain and not once did he take any monk lesson seriously. While the others were busy meditating, Fu was more interested in mopping, mopping techniques, and the new mop models on the mop market. He missed all the constant warnings about the great evil that was imprisoned within the Temple walls and because of that, his life as a janitor passed without any incidents.

Until one night...

"Ohhhhh, me mopping, me mopping, me mopping, mop-mop-mop, mop-mop-mop," Fu sang terribly to himself as he finished mopping the final stone corridor. "There, me done. Now time for after-midnight snack and sleep."

_("Psst! Fu-Fu!")_

The whisper stopped the boy in his tracks. Fu turned in search of the voice but there wasn't a soul in sight. The rest of the monks were asleep.

_("Over here!")_ the whisper continued. Fu found the source this time. The whisper was coming from the nearby sealed door of the Miraculous Holding Chamber.

"Hello?"

_("Hi there, Fu-Fu, you missed a spot. The room in here needs a good mopping.")_

Fu hesitated. "Um, me not allowed in Miraculous Chamber. Is forbidden."

_("You're right, you're right, those are the rules. But you know what's even more forbidden? Being in that hall you're in right now!")_

Fu gasped. "Oh no!"

_("You bring great shame upon your family. Get in here this instant, mister!")_

Not wanting to break the rules, Fu used his janitor's key to unseal the Chamber and scrambled inside. What he found left him gawking. A wide shallow pool decorated to look like the yin-yang symbol glistened in the center. On a pillar that stretched out from the pool sat an oriental box.

_("Yoo-hoo, up here!")_

Fu craned his head back. Near the ceiling sparkled a pair of cosmic bowling balls of magic, coursing with ancient Symbols of Binding. Inside one ball of magic floated a small brooch that resembled a peacock.

_("WEAR ME!") _the brooch roared.

"Huh?"

The whisper snickered. _("Oh where are my manners? Please, wear me, Fu-Fu. I can offer you anything your heart desires. Wealth… Power… Respect… Everything you never had…")_

"Got food?" Fu asked.

There was a pause. _("Food?")_

"Yes. Me hungry."

_("Uh, I've got this thing Fluff brought me from the future called a microwave burrito. I think it's food.")_

"Deal!"

With the expert precision one can only hone from years of janitorial work, Fu chucked his mop like a boomerang. The cleaning utensil twirled to the ceiling, caught the ball of magic, and brought it back down. Before the whisper could say, _("Wow!")_, Fu slapped the brooch on his chest.

_("Impressive, very impressive. Now, to get your burrito, say, 'Duusu, spread my feathers,' and reach into your pocket.")_

One of the words made Fu stiffen. _Duusu._ He thought he recognized that one. It had come up several times in the monks' conversations, often with the air of worry and fright, but he couldn't remember the significance. Then his tummy growled and he forgot all his caution.

"Duusu, spread my feathers!" In a burst of blue, Fu was wrapped in a feathery blue robe! Licking his lips, Fu reached into his new pocket and found an icy white cylinder that was as hard as a rock.

_("There's your burrito, Fu-Fu, but it's a bit cold right now. We need to heat it up with something called a microwave. I can help you there,")_ the whisper chuckled. _("Just do everything I say...")_

Following the whisper's instructions, Fu plucked a feather from his new peacock fan and filled it with darkness born from his hunger. Into his mop the feather disappeared and from an inky mist came a little blue frog-like creature with the Temple's mysterious symbol scribed across its face.

"Hi there," the creature said, panting like a dog. "My name is Feast and I wuv you." It gave Fu a few affectionate licks with its big tongue.

"D'aww, so cute," Fu said.

_("Isn't it? Now, just feed Feast your burrito and it'll take care of the rest.")_

Fu placed the burrito on Feast's tongue which it quickly retracted into its mouth. The lovable creature's little body began to glow and hum like a microwave.

"Feast adorable. Me love it forever."

_("And Feast will love you forever and ever, so long as you don't drop the mop,")_ the whisper advised. _("Hey, you know what'll be fun? After you're done eating, I'll introduce you to my pal li'l Noo and you can wear its Miraculous too...")_

Suddenly, one of the stones underneath Fu's feet turned black and crumbled to dust. "What the—?" He lost his balance and the mop tumbled across the room.

_("Plagg! You little saboteur! Hahaha! Good one!")_

Feast stopped glowing. It smiled at Fu. "Hi there, my name is Feast and I wuv you and I will consume da Temple and all da Miraculous."

Fu went pale. "Fuck!"

_In the present:_

"Long story short, without mop me can't control Feast. Feast eat temple. Me escape with Miraculous," Fu concluded.

"No! Hell no!" Wayzz joined Tikki in pressing Fu against the wall. "I know what happened next. You don't get to skip the worst part. Spill it!"

_ 200 Years Ago: _

The monks completed the exorcism chant and the peacock brooch at last unlatched itself from Fu's chest.

_("Oh come on, Fu-Fu, we were just getting to know each other!")_ the whisper whined before it faded away.

With a flick of the Elder Monk's wrist, the Miraculous was reimprisoned in a ball of magic. The Elder then shoved the enchanted mop into Fu's hands. "Only you can tame the Sentimonster, Fu," he instructed and pointed at the binding circle in which Feast was barely being contained. In the background was the barren land where the Miraculous Temple once stood, the building, all of the Miraculous Boxes, and most of its occupants consumed entirely by Feast. "There are not enough of us left to trap it forever. Remember your training and take control until I can cleanse the Amuk with the Ladybug Miraculous."

Fu had no idea what the old man was talking about. He'd been reading a mop manual during the Control Evil Monsters lesson. Still, he took the mop and shakily stomped through the snow toward the creature while the Elder opened the Miraculous Box and consulted the Miraculous Book, the last that had escaped Feast. The cleaning utensil hung heavily in his hands as he experimentally called out, "Feast! Down! Obey!"

The Sentimonster whimpered like a puppy at his words. It didn't resist as the binding took effect and slowly turned the thing to stone.

"Is working?" Fu let out a short laugh. "Is working! Feast, stay! Don't move!"

_Ding!_

Feast's mouth popped open and on its tongue steamed a piping-hot yummy burrito.

"Ooh! Gimme-gimme!" Fu said.

Feast obediently shot out its tongue to Fu. The boy, in his stupidity, took the food and dropped the mop.

"NOOO!" the Elder cried.

It was too late.

Feast whipped its massive tongue around, nabbing the rest of the monks and swallowed them whole.

Fu froze mid-bite, the last man on the mountain. "Whoops." He shoved the burrito into his mouth and tried to grab the mop. Feast's tongue got it first. The key to stopping the Sentimonster disappeared with a gulp.

"Dat was yummy!" Feast cheered. "What should I eats now? Ooh! I know!" It's massive tongue whipped up to the sky and reached past the clouds. The tongue came back down with what looked like an amorphous blob of fog that disappeared into Feast's mouth. "Yum! I eats da human race's memory of da Miraculous. I wuv you!"

"Um…" Fu chewed his burrito and did what he did best. He ran. The _hop-hop-hop_ of Feast was close behind. The boy scooped up the Miraculous Box, the cosmic bowling balls, and the Miraculous Book, thinking of a plan as he ran.

"Feast! You know what me hold very dear?" Fu called over his shoulder.

"Oh boy, what is it?" Feast asked.

"These Miraculous!"

Fu hurled the cosmic bowling balls as hard as he could. They and their Miraculous within spun through the air and dropped into a great river of LAVA!

"Yummy! I'mma eats those!" Feast jumped in after them. "I wuv you!"

There was a distant _gloop_ followed closely by a sizzle.

_In the present:_

"The Sentimonster _ate_ humanity's memories of us?" Tikki asked. "How the fuck?!"

"The Miraculous Temple had a _lava_ moat?" Marinette asked. "Why the fuck?"

"Some people have guard dogs, some have lava moats. Great for roasting marshmallows," Fu shrugged. Then he took Marinette's hand and spoke with great passion. "If Feast breaks out, it come after me, after the Miraculous. Back then, me alone, me scared, but now different. With you, Marinette, with Chat Noir, we defeat Feast, end the monster once and for all. Avenge Guardians. Together!"

Marinette looked Fu straight in the eye and laughed her ass off. "HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! Me? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Save you? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA! Fuck that! That is not happening, Fu. HAHAHAHAAHA! I have a strict Not-Getting-Eaten-Alive policy and I'm not breaking it for your wrinkly old janitor ass. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! I can't believe you actually believed I gave a fuck about you! HAHAHAHAAH! Good luck sleeping at night knowing there's an unstoppable creature that wants to eat you in the city. See ya! Ha!" Marinette marched out of there and slammed the door behind her. Her mocking laughter carried through the walls.

"Marinette," Fu called, "you have Miraculous. Feast come after you too."

The laughter stopped. The door blasted back open. Marinette grabbed his shoulders and dug her nails in. "You are going to take these Miraculous death-traps and run as far away from here as possible."

Fu gulped. "Me need make more Guardians."

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:_

"Nathalie is perfectly fine," Gabriel said to Adrien as the woman filled another blood bucket. "She's just having a dizzy spell."

"Dizzy spell?" Adrien repeated with dread as Nathalie recited twenty knock-knock jokes in a row.

Gabriel realized what he'd just said and backpedaled hard. "Who said dizzy spell? I didn't say dizzy spell. I said it's that time of the month for her. This is a perfectly normal thing for a perfectly healthy woman."

Nathalie puked into her fourth blood bucket of the day.

"Nature at work," Gabriel nodded through the retching. "It's beautiful."

But his lie failed. Adrien's face flashed with recognition and he sped out of the office.

Gabriel groaned. "He's going to need his comfort blankie. Nathalie, blankie."

Nathalie collapsed from blood loss and Duusu popped out.

"Gabe! Gabe! You're not gonna believe this!" the kwami said. "That new statue in the museum is actually one of my Sentimonsters! I thought I lost it in the lava but it's still alive after all these years! We should totally revive it and have fun, fun, _fun_! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"And let you tear this city apart?" Gabriel sneered. "Never."

Behind the man's head, Nooroo signaled Duusu with an encouraging wink.

"Uh..." Duusu cleared its throat and tried again. "You're right, Gabe. I wasn't thinking straight. It's too dangerous to awaken that beast."

"Exactly," Gabriel agreed.

"But this is a wonderful opportunity to spice up Nat's dating profile!"

"It is?"

"Yeah! She and I slip into the Louvre, take a few selfies that make Nat look like a kickass art thief and BAM! She'll have dates pouring in by the hundreds."

"Hmm, kickass art thieves are sexy…" Gabriel thought out loud. "And we've nearly drained half of the city's blood bank… Nathalie, what do you think?"

Nathalie did nothing on the floor.

"What's that, Nat?" Duusu flew over to her and listened carefully. Nathalie said nothing. "Oh! You totally agree and think we should do it tonight?"

"She does? Well, as long as Nathalie's on board, then I'm on board." Gabriel strutted off, proud of the plan to hook his assistant up.

"Holy fuck, is this guy dumb," Duusu said.

"I know, right?" Nooroo said.

_Meanwhile, in Adrien's room:_

Adrien snuggled against his gem-encrusted comfort blankie as he gazed sadly at a photo of his Mother.

"Mmm'kay, I'm going over the world conquest plan, man," Plagg said, reviewing his Master Plan book. "I don't wanna be a dicky dictator so what form of slavery is the least slave-ish?"

"Father says it's part-time minimum-wage jobs," the boy sniveled.

"Sweet! This whole enslave humanity before Duusu thing is going to be a piece of..." Plagg noticed Adrien's distress and put the book aside. "Hey, man, what's up?"

"Nathalie's dizzy spells. Mother had them too."

Plagg's nearly fell out of the air. "She did?"

"It was awful. She'd tell knock-knock jokes every day and laugh like she was possessed."

"Yeah-huh, keep going," Plagg egged him on.

"And she'd tear at the peacock brooch she always wore and cry about being unable to get rid of the dark spirit that was constantly tormenting her."

"Which tells you that both she and Nathalie have the..." Plagg leaned in expectantly. "Pah… Pah… Two words. First letter starts with P. Pah... Pah... Rhymes with Meacock Piraculous."

"It tells me…" Adrien thought long and hard. "It tells me I should fund an awareness campaign for dizzy spells. They're no laughing matter," he concluded and got started.

"Ugh! Why is this harder than getting you laid?!" Plagg shouted.

* * *

_That night, at the Louvre:_

The night guard patrolled the empty museum halls. Like most nights, it was quiet and calm. Nothing of interest.

"Knock knock."

The guard spun around. His flashlight landed on a blue-skinned woman dressed in a haughty, feathery gown. She smiled at him.

"Knock knock," she eagerly repeated.

"Uh, who's there—"

_("KARATE CHOP!")_

_WHACK!_

The guard dropped like a sack of potatoes. The woman snickered at her joke and spoke into her peacock fan, "This is Secret Agent Mayura checking in. _(Security has been dealt with.) _Approaching target."

"Stay in character, Mayura," Hawkmoth replied. "You're an art thief, not a secret agent. Remember to get Nathalie's good side. When the flash is just right, her eyes sparkle as if she was a goddess. And don't' smile too hard. Make it soft and mysterious." His voice drifted off as his imagination took flight. "You don't have to worry about Nathalie's hair... She always keeps it pristine like a diamond… And the way she carries herself… so commanding… and hot..."

_Bzzt._

Hawkmoth flipped open his rumbling cane. The pic he'd received showed Mayura giving a big thumbs-up to the camera next to the released and reanimated Feast! Feast was also giving a thumbs-up.

_'Whoops, my b. Can u fix this? ;D (D for Duusu! LOL!)'_ said the text.

"YOU FUCKER!" Hawkmoth quickly filled a butterfly with darkness and sent it off.

_Later, at the Louvre:_

"Okay, just like we practiced." Mayura winked at Feast before she dropped to the floor and flailed like a damsel in distress. "Oh no! This _(horrid monster)_ is going to eat me! Won't a heroic somebody help?"

"I wuv you!" Feast said.

"I'll save you, Nathalie!" Hawkmoth cried as he sent the Akuma straight into Feast's mouth.

A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on Feast's face and it saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"How do I keep finding myself in these situations?!" Hawkmoth moaned. "Okay, Feast, listen up, you are under my control and you are not eating Nathalie or anyone else for that matter unless they have a Miraculous like Ladybug and Chat Noir. Understand?"

"Yummy!" Feast eagerly panted before it was swallowed by bubbling darkness and became over twenty-times bigger! "I wuv you!" Feast said, then shot its tongue through the butterfly sunglasses. The sticky appendage came out the other side into the hidden tower and grabbed Hawkmoth's face.

"Oh. I have a Miraculous. Right," he managed to say before he was pulled through.

_Meanwhile, a few floors above:_

Adrien was fast asleep, unable to hear his Father's cry abruptly cut short or Plagg's welding. The kwami put the final touches on his doomsday device and tossed his torch aside. "There we go, the Human-Enslavonator is ready to go. It's only got one shot, but that's all I need. Who knew I'd be a natural at this?"

"Are you sure about this?" Ladydoll beeped, scanning her new appendage. It trembled with unstable power.

Plagg laid under the imposing laser blaster. "Of course I am. Now I'll just zap/impose my will into every human's head and I'll have officially won the bet."

Plagg pulled the lever and waited patiently for the Human-Enslavonator to warm up.

"And once I've won the bet, I'll just return every human's freedom and stuff."

"Unless of course you go mad with power like Duusu."

"Hahah, that'd suck." Plagg blinked at nothing then looked at who had just spoken. It was Wayzz, slowly pulling the Ring of the Black Cat off Adrien's finger.

Plagg vanished from existence and the Human-Enslavonator shot the two crossed pieces of red tape that had been underneath the kwami. Every human on Earth suddenly had their every thought about a Big Red X and how they should worship it. The odd image jolted Adrien awake. He saw a pile of crumpled machinery in the corner that used to be Ladydoll's arm and a note on Plagg's pillow.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the Dupain-Cheng Patisserie:_

Wayzz arrived just as Fu and Marinette were tying the last of the old man's belongings to a bike.

"What you think Big Red X means?" Fu asked as he anointed the jade dragon in Marinette's hands into a Guardian.

"Don't know, don't care," Marinette replied, chucking the dragon on top of the rest of the Guardians. "Get on and don't stop pedaling until you keel over."

Fu saluted.

Marinette turned to the kwami who had haunted her for the better part of a year.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," Tikki said.

"Y'up," Marinette said with all the spite in the world.

Tikki sighed. "Look, we didn't exactly get along, and I know I've brought you nothing but suffering and constant fear, but there were good moments. Weren't there?"

"No. Goodbye." Marinette plucked off her earrings. Tikki vanished from existence. She tossed the Miraculous over her shoulder to Fu and went inside for the first restful night of sleep she'd had in ages.

Fu and Wayzz watched the bakery door shut and heard the lock click. They were officially on their own again.

"Where to?" Wayzz asked.

"Me never been to Oktoberfest," Fu shrugged.

_Boom-boom-boom-boom!_

The rhythmic thudding grew closer and closer. Car alarms start going off in the distance. There were shouts and screams.

"Uh oh," Fu gulped. "It's here!"

Fu pedaled as hard as he could, speeding down the street. Seconds later, Feast hopped around the corner and landed with a shaky _BOOM!_ "Yum-yum! I wuv you!" it bellowed.

On its back, riding Feast like a cowgirl, was Mayura! "Yeehaw, _(motherfuckers!")_

In its mouth, clinging to his majestic cane that was firmly planted in the sentimonster's lips, was Hawkmoth! "Mayura, stop this crazy thing!"

The parade of insanity kept going deeper into the city, the sounds of destruction growing fainter. Marinette watched it all and smiled when she could hear no more cries. She slipped into her bed and fell asleep.

_With the chaos:_

"Feast!" Hawkmoth roared, kicking away the tongue that kept trying to grab him. "I said, no eating people without a Miraculous. That's Adrien's Chinese tutor, leave him alone!"

"But he has Miraculous," Feast replied.

"Don't be ridiculous! Why would an ancient Chinese man have ancient Chinese artifacts? Only the ancient Chinese Guardians would have them."

Mayura stuck her head into Feast's mouth. "Think about what you just said, Gabe."

Hawkmoth did think. Long and hard.

"Lookie, Feast!" he heard Fu call out as he waved a plunger in the air. "Me have new Guardian for you. Go eat!" Fu chucked the plunger down a side street and pedaled the other way.

"Yummy!" Feast stopped to snack on the Guardian plunger.

Then it clicked.

"Oh my Big Red X..." Hawkmoth whispered. "Adrien's tutor is the Guardian of the Miraculous?!"

_("Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner, folks!")_

_ Meanwhile: _

Marinette awoke from yet another dream about the Big Red X. Something was bothering her but she didn't know what. There was nothing in her room. No Tikki glaring death at her in her sleep. No sounds of destruction. No Chat Noir vaulting in for what had to be their 30th movie night. She'd actually started to enjoy those movie nights. They were a welcome break from the insanity and Chat Noir was even bearable when he wasn't drooling over—

Marinette stiffened.

"Chat Noir..." she croaked. "Oh no... That dumbass is gonna..."

She scrambled to her TV and flipped it to the news. Just as she predicted, there was a live coverage of the chase. Feast was barreling through the late-night traffic after Fu's bicycle. The monster only stopped to munch on the occasional _Guardian_ Fu tossed behind him. Between them was somebody riding a scooter, somebody dressed in a full-body banana-man suit.

"In a shocking turn of events no one saw coming, the infamous anti-hero The Banana has come out of retirement and appears to be facing this monster," Nadia reported. "Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by the Agreste Dizzy Spell Foundation."

"Don't I look a-_peel_-ing?" the banana-man said to the camera with ever so familiar smarm.

Marinette spasmed. "CHAT NOIR! YOU IDIOT!" Without a second thought, she grabbed a motorcycle helmet and ran outside.

_On the streets:_

Adrien scootered through a shortcut and managed to get in front of Fu. He spotted a bus ahead and poured on the gas, reaching the driver's window.

"Citizen, I need your help!" he said.

The bus driver gasped. "The Banana! I haven't seen you since you pulled me out of that fire in grade school."

Adrien stared blankly at the bus driver through his giant googly styrofoam eyes and wondered who exactly this costume he found in the hallway closet belonged to.

"The media may paint you as a villain, The Banana, but I know you're a hero," the bus driver said through proud tears. "What do you need?"

As confused as Adrien was, he did what he knew LB would do and just went with it. He waited until Fu managed to pass the bus and then signaled the driver. With a wrench of the steering wheel, the bus skidded around and blocked all lanes and sidewalks.

"Haha!" Adrien laughed pompously.

"Yummy!" Feast snatched the bus off the road with its tongue and easily swallowed it whole. "I wuv you!"

"FUCK!"

Adrien scootered ahead again and asked for the help of Officer Roger.

"I never liked the way you played with the law, The Banana, you always were a loose cannon," Roger sneered, and then begrudgingly added, "but dammit if you didn't get results. What do you need?"

Like before, the cop car was parked across the lanes and lasted long enough for Feast to consume it in one gulp.

"Okay, maybe doing the exact same plan a third time will work," Adrien desperately reasoned as he scootered for his life. Without a Miraculous, his legs were getting tired.

"The Banana, hop aboard!" instructed Andre "The Ice Cream Man" Glacier, pulling alongside the boy in his mystical ice-cream stand/bicycle. Adrien obliged and hugged the flavor-filled cart. His scooter disappeared down Feast's gullet. "I never thought I'd get the chance to pay you back for how you saved me in Venice," Andre said. "Take the wheel."

Andre whipped out his pair of ice cream scoops and flicked them in a mysterious pattern. "My name is Andre, Andre Glacier, the Sweetheart Matchmaker!" From the cart erupted streams of ice cream. "With one scoop or two, I'll find love for you with magical ice cream flavors!"

The streams of cursed dairy delight covered Feast. Some ice cream went down Hawkmoth's throat. "I'm secretly in love with Nathalie," he droned.

Some went down Mayura's throat. "I'm secretly in love with Gabriel," she droned, then snapped to an unsteady grin. _("I love everybody! But I have a weird way of showing it. HAHAHAHAHA!")_

Feast licked all the creamy goodness off and happily said, "Yummy! I wuv you!"

"Oh no, my ice cream has no effect," Andre wailed. "You're on your own, The Banana." He and Adrien bailed just before Feast ate the entire ice cream cart.

"Don't worry, Andre, I got this." He drew from his back a push-broom and twirled it as if it were his battle-staff. "Let's see how much this glutton enjoys a _banana_ _split_."

"Banana split? Yummy!" Feast panted and shot out its tongue. Like a true hero, Adrien leaped at his foe, broom outstretched like a spear. Time seemed to slow as the boy realized just how much he fucked up.

_WHAM!_

Something barreled against Adrien, knocking him out of harm's way. When the tumbling stopped, Adrien's collar was grabbed by his rescuer: some girl clad in a full-body leather motorcycle suit and a matching helmet that hid her face entirely.

"YOU IDIOT! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF EATEN?!" she screeched at him.

Adrien squinted at the familiar voice. "Nino?"

_WHAM!_

Adrien gasped at the even more familiar punch to his face. "M'Lady! You saved me! Ooh la la, I'm loving the new look. Leather looks good on you. Feels good too."

"Focus!" She slapped his yellow hands off her hips. "We have a man-eating monster who is completely unstoppa…" Both glance to the left and saw Feast. The Sentimonster's tongue, which had been meant for Adrien, had missed completely and latched onto a marble fountain. Unlike everything else it had eaten, Feast was struggling to pull the fountain out of its cement foundation. It was stuck.

No one could see it under her helmet, but Marinette was smiling a wicked smile.

"Come on, I have an idea!" She grabbed the boy and they both ran in the direction Fu had pedaled off.

Moments later, the fountain ripped out of the ground and Feast was free.

* * *

_Later, at the Eiffel Tower:_

Fu was desperately replacing a flat tire when the teens arrived.

"Fu," Marinette called.

"AAH! Don't eat me! Me give you Miraculous! Me give you secret identities of—" He stopped cowering and saw who it was. "Ladybug! Chat Noir! You here! Even after me take your Miraculous, you still fight to rescue me?"

"Hell no! I already told you that I'm not risking myself for you, you useless piece of trash!"

"Then… you come to rescue…" Fu's eyes drifted towards Chat Noir.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO I'M HERE FOR!" Marinette screamed over him. "I know how to defeat Feast. We need our Miraculous and we need to work together. The _three _of us."

Fu's breath hitched. He gazed down at his long-unused jade bracelet.

"Come on, Fu, we can take this guy," Adrien said.

Confidence, long lost and forgotten, welled up inside Fu's old heart. He gave them the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses. "Together," he said.

Keeping their backs to each other, the teens transformed into Ladybug and Chat Noir. "Let's go!" Ladybug said, lassoing up the Eiffel Tower with Chat Noir close behind.

"Me be right there," Fu called. "Me need stretch back first." He counted to three and resumed desperately replacing his tire.

_On the tower:_

The heroes watched as Feast crawled toward them, hungry as ever.

"Hold..." Ladybug said. "Hold..."

Tension rose as the beast got closer.

"Hold..."

It was nearly there.

"Yummy!" Feast said, catching a whiff of their Miraculous. "I wuv you!" Its tongue shot out.

"NOW!"

Ladybug leaped aside, dragging Chat Noir with her, and Feast's tongue latched onto the Eiffel Tower. Like the fountain, it tried to pull its meal in, but the massive monument didn't budge. The girders groaned but didn't move an inch.

"Oopsie," Mayura snickered.

"Phase Two!" Ladybug shouted as she landed on the street and started to lift one of the Eiffel Tower's legs.

"Cataclysm!" Chat Noir slammed his hand on the cement under the tower and the foundation crumbled to dust. With the help of Ladybug's Amazonian strength, the over-1,000-foot-tall hunk of steel tipped over. "Timber!"

"Oh..." Mayura whispered.

"...my..." Hawkmoth whimpered.

"...Yummy!" Feast cheered and opened wide.

Not wide enough.

About a third of the Eiffel Tower went down Feast's throat before it got stuck. The Sentimonster gulped and choked a few times, then fell on its back, tossing Mayura away.

"Woo, talk about a _mouthful_." Chat Noir grinned through Ladybug's slap. She lassoed up Feast's body and perched on a beam over its mouth.

"Hey!" she called into the murky depths of halitosis. "Can anyone in there hear me?"

After a few seconds, a deep sinister voice responded. "Don't think you've won, Ladybug and Chat Noir! I have not _digested_ my defeat! It's simply honed my _appetite_ all the more! I shall prepare a _dish_ of revenge especially for you and it shall be served _very cold._"

Ladybug sighed. "Oh my Big Red X, he's worse than you, Chat. Okay, Hawkmoth, if you wanna be a sore loser, then just stay in there."

"NO! NO WAIT! I'll be good! Don't leave me here! It smells like stale bubblegum!"

"Do you see a mop in there with you? An old-timey mop, like, nearly 200-years-old."

"There are mountains of junk in here," Hawkmoth growled back. "How do you expect me to—Oh, here it is. Found it."

_Back with Fu:_

"Air pressure, bike chain, passport. Time to go." Fu hopped onto his repaired bike and aimed it for the nearest border. Polka-dotted hand shoved into his arms something he hadn't seen in a lifetime. "Me mop?"

Ladybug patted his back. "Y'up. Time to make things right."

He could feel the magic of the Amuk flowing through his fingers. The decades of mistakes could at last be undone. With his head held high, Fu marched toward Feast. "For too long you stalk my nightmares, Feast. No more! This end now! Me no longer fear you!"

Feast's tongue lashed out and nabbed Fu.

"AAAAH! NO! HELP! ME FEAR YOU! ME FEAR YOU!" the man screamed. His descent into the stomach was only stopped by the mop getting caught between the Eiffel Tower's steel.

"Not as badass as I was expecting," Ladybug mumbled.

The mop's wood cracked and out fluttered a feather and a butterfly. Ladybug de-evilized both and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

All the vehicles and people Feast had eaten were returned.

The Eiffel Tower was put back in place.

Feast itself popped like a bubble with a final, "I wuv you!" and never returned.

_Back in the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth and Mayura popped back into their lair and, in a burst of blue, the latter transformed into Nathalie. The woman immediately collapsed and grabbed a blood bucket.

"Nathalie, I'm so sorry!" Hawkmoth cradled her gently. "Duusu tricked me again. I swear, I am never listening to that maniac ever again!"

"Sir, it's alright," she coughed and retched. "I'm fine. I can manage. For you, I can manage anything."

Her dedication moved him, but also filled him with dread. Just how close to the edge was he willing to go? Just how far was he willing to push someone he cared for so deep—

_Ding!_

"Gabe! Gabe! It worked!" Duusu floated over with Nathalie's phone. "Nat's dating profile is blowing up! They love her!"

"They do?!" Hawkmoth dropped Nathalie and grabbed the phone. Indeed, date requests for Nathalie, the drop-dead gorgeous art-thief of the night, were pouring in by the dozens. "Yes! Good news, Nathalie! Operation Find-You-A-Boyfriend is working!"

"Hooray," Nathalie murmured in her blood puddle.

* * *

_The next day:_

The morning news that caught everyone's attention was the sudden appearance of an ancient Tibetan temple on top of a previously empty mountain.

"No one knows where it came from or if it had anything to do with our new lord and savior Big Red X," Nadia Chamak reported. Over her shoulder, the great indecipherable message _TIKKI FUCKED UP_ blazed on the Temple's rooftop. "And that's not even the crazy part. Not only are all the monks of the Temple still in there and think it's the 1830s but everyone on the planet has suddenly remembered that every single one of our heroes of legend actually had a Miraculous. Yeah, all of them. Robin Hood? Miraculous. Mulan? Miraculous. Quetzalcoatl? Do you even have to ask? Kinda destroys the whole 'triumph of the human spirit' angle of their stories, huh?"

The news footage cut to an interview with the Elder Monk of the Temple.

"We are just as confused as you," he said. "But it's all Fu's fault. If anyone sees him, kick his ass for me."

Marinette closed the news app and Fu sighed. "Me guess me can't go back to the Temple. At least my mistake is undone. Marinette, you think your parents kind enough to let kind old man move in—"

"No," she cut in flatly. "You're homeless now."

"Mmm," Fu nodded. "You right. Hawkmoth know me Guardian. Can't stay here. Me guess me live in van." He pressed a button on a key fob and one of the massage parlor walls rolled open, revealing a large shiny van in a garage.

"Wait, you had a van this whole time?" Marinette asked. "And you tried to escape with a bike—You know what, no, I don't care. Fuck you. Good luck on the streets. I hope you get mugged." And she left.

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Gabriel bounced on the balls of his feet like a kid in a candy store. "This is it! Yes! This is it! I know Fu is secretly the Guardian of the Miraculous but he has no idea that I'm secretly Hawkmoth. All I have to do is wait for him to come right to me. MuahahahahHAAHAHAAHAHAH**AHAHAAHAHAAAHAHA—**"

_Ding-dong!_

"I'll get it," Gabriel sang. He opened the door with the widest grin and a sledgehammer behind his back. "Ah, nihao, F—"

On his porch was a squat Chinese man. He looked nearly identical to Fu, only where Fu's thin grey mustache was now grew a thick, curly, and jet-black mustache.

Gabriel blinked at the stranger. "Uh, where is Fu?"

"Fu deported back to China. Me his replacement: Fuu."

"Curses! I was so close!" Gabriel wailed, rattling his sledgehammer at the sky in defiance.

"Okay, me start lessons now," Fuu said and headed for Adrien's room. "By the way, me live-in teacher. Me live here now. Me park van on lawn."

"You may have escaped this time, Fu," Gabriel continued, glaring at the endless cityscape of Paris. "But there was no way you made it out of the city without me knowing. You're still here, somewhere, and I won't rest until I have hunted you down, Fu!"

"You call me?" Fuu asked from upstairs.

"No, not you, the other Fu."

END

_Who do you think is The Banana?_


	29. 4th Missing Memory

_Interstitial_

* * *

Memory 4  
**Tiger-Raptor  
**By: Chat Agreste

Here we are again, Bugaboo!

I've been clawing over all the Akumas you can't remember to find some kind of pattern and I think I'm getting close. Based on our conversations, I only have two Akumas to tell you about this time. Stay _paw_sitive, LB, we'll figure this out.

**Christmaster**

This had to be the most festive Akuma fight ever, M'Lady. One day, in the middle of summer, it started to snow, the Eiffel Tower was magically redecorated into a Christmas tree, and giant children's toys invaded Paris! They were all searching for the same person: Santa Claus!

I found him first. Santa's sleigh was blasted out of the sky by fire breathing, flying catfish (I know there's a cat-pun in there somewhere) but I rescued him before he crashed. He was the same old jolly Saint Nick from the end of our last holiday adventure who spoke in rhymes. Unfortunately, he was also the same Saint Nick who was raring to skewer the naughty with his lance of mistletoe.

And, uh, well… you were at the top of Santa's Naughty List. (I want to point out that, to me, you are the most perfect, most cat-tastic person in the world and the only thing naughty about you is what your hips do to me) Turns out, saving Paris over and over isn't nice if you're also "forcing your friends to fight and constantly slapping the boy who defends you with all his might," as Santa put it (I personally enjoy your love taps). Because of this our saving of Santa Claus was spent mostly keeping him from turning you into a holly jolly shishkabob. You figured out the toys were tracking Santa through his scent, LB, so you stuck Santa's hat on me and sent me to throw them off our trail.

You would've been proud of me, Bugaboo. I led those toys on a wild cat chase around Paris and when they finally caught me, I managed to convince them that I was still Santa, just disguised as Ad**REDACTED **_**Chat Noir**_. The evil toys took me up to the floating secret hideout of the Akuma Chistmaster! Amazingly, both Christmaster and Hawkmoth were convinced by my Santa act (I should look into becoming an actor) and demanded you hand over Chat Noir (the real Santa). Seeing your opportunity, you played up the whole "You've won, Hawkmoth" routine and gave them Santa.

When Christmaster tried to pull "Chat Noir's" ring off, all he found was a fist curled around a lance of mistletoe. We sat back and watched Santa Claus deal with the naughty villains using the Spirit of Christmas (that's what he calls his lance (Meow-ch!)). The day was saved and you put the city back together, but not before saying goodbye to Santa.

By the way, he vowed to make you pay for all your misdeeds next Christmas, so… be ready for that.

**Startrain**

I had decided it was high time to have a little vacation/catnap, M'Lady. A quick one-day trip to London seemed harmless enough. What were the odds that Hawkmoth would strike this particular day? Turns out, pretty high.

I happened (by complete coincidence and with no hidden meaning behind it) to board the same train as the class of my Number One Fan. What are the chances, right? I decided it was my superhero duty to check on the wellbeing of my Number One Fan. Of course, she didn't recognize me in my civilian form and was pretty tired, so I let her sleep on my**REDACTED.** _**I left her napping on the shoulder of her good friend Adrien Agreste**_**.**

My Number One Fan had the right idea and I decided to catch some Zs myself (I had this weird dream about something called a tiger-raptor (I think you were there, only you didn't have a mask and you were firing staples at me (did that happen?))). My nap was interrupted by the passengers crying about an Akuma being on board. My childhood fr**REDACTED** Chloe (never met her) had to be held back from charging into the locked-off train car and crushing the evil thing (This was shortly after the whole telling Chloe she couldn't be Queen Bee anymore (she's been trying to find a healthy way to vent her… _frustrations_)).

Somehow the Akuma got to the front of the train and akumatized the conductor into Startrain! Before we knew it, the entire train had transformed and flew straight into space! I thought I'd have to face this villain on my own, but then you popped in using the teleportation powers of the Horse Miraculous (something was clearly bothering you but you wouldn't say what (I overheard you muttering something about a tiger-raptor (did you have the same dream?))). We made a plan to use Max's hacking skills to fight our way to the engine car and face Startrain.

We got about one car in before the aliens pulled our train over.

Over the intercom, we heard the aliens explain to Startrain how she'd steered our vessel into intergalactic space and you need a space permit to do that. Startrain shouted something about not going to space jail and put the train into full throttle. We were now in a space chase!

Startrain was desperate and it became clear she was going to try to lose them by flying us straight at a black hole (The ultimate game of Chicken!). But I wasn't worried. I knew you'd get us out of the mess and you did, Bugaboo. You armed Max with the Horse Miraculous and he became… actually, I don't think he ever gave himself a superhero name. Weird. Anyway, under your instruction, Max used his power, Voyage, to teleport onto the alien ship our ultimate weapon: Lila Rossi.

Now, I completely understand you and Lila have a rocky relationship, LB. She can be a handful, I know. But I really believe all she needs is a friend who can show her right from wrong. Lila can be helpful too. Granted, instead of convincing the aliens to let us go with her lying like you instructed, Lila instead convinced them that you and I were intergalactic space outlaws who needed to be shot on sight, but I'm not giving up on her yet.

It was back to Plan A, fighting our way to the engine car while running from the space police. We managed, with a few hiccups (accidentally veered the train through Mars (didn't realize it was made of red velvet cake)), but we managed. We got to the engine car, Cataclysmed the Akuma, and Voyaged the train and Lila back to Earth.

And that's what I got, LB. I know it seems random, but does "tiger-raptor" mean anything to you or am I just reading into that dream too much?

Love,

Ad**REDACTED**

_ **Chat Noir** _

_PS - You should think really long and hard about that tiger-raptor dream. Dig into it. Obsess over it. Think about it so hard that it drives you _ _ **mad.** _

* * *

Luka flicked his rubber band collection with a huff. He had tucked the Young Master's censored letter under the designated roof tile as he had with all the previous letters and weighed it down with Miss Dupain-Cheng's favorite strawberry pastry.

Normally, at this point, he'd be doing his newest favorite thing in the world and patting himself on the back but today was different. Today Luka had stayed behind to watch her collect the package and return to her home for yet another movie night with the Young Master. Miss Dupain-Cheng protested everytime the Young Master held her during the movie's scary moments but did nothing to push him away. If anything, she appeared to be discreetly leaning against him and if one looked closely enough, they might catch the slightest hint of a smile. Such a sign of growth usually filled Luka with pride, but today it gnawed at Luka and, for a reason he couldn't comprehend, it conjured to his imagination what had happened in the aftermath of his shameful akumatization, still fresh in his mind and warm on his lips.

His encyclopedic knowledge could not help him here. He needed advice. Luka went below deck and knocked on the door decorated with a flowery black skull.

There was no response.

There was, however, a sock on the doorknob.

"Oh dear..." Luka sighed. His sister could be so disorganized. Perhaps cleaning her room for her would put his mind at ease. He took the misplaced sock off the knob and barged in.

"LUKA, WHAT THE FUCK?!" Juleka screamed, covering her bare chest with the bedsheets.

"Hello, Luka!" Rose waved, perfectly comfortable in her own skin.

"My word," Luka gasped at what he'd seen. "The two of you… were just… doing what Miss Dupain-Cheng did to me." He eagerly joined them on the bed. "Please, I have so many questions."

"About what?" Rose asked innocently.

"LUKA, GET OUT!" Juleka roared, her cheeks aflame.

"Your mouths, the way you were mashing them together as I do with my rubber band balls." Luka flailed his hands at each other in a general crashing motion.

"That's called kissing, silly," Rose giggled.

"OUT!"

"Kissing," Luka parroted. He reached for his lips which still carried the faint taste of strawberries. "Indeed."

"Yahar, ye don't know what kissing be, son?" Mrs. Couffaine asked sweetly, joining them.

"MOM?! NO! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"

"It's not that, mumsy. I know what kissing is. It's…" Luka hesitated. He hated this sense of disorientation, this sense of being lost. "But… what does it mean?"

"A kiss can have many meanings, kiddo," Officer Roger said wisely as he sat on the bed too. "Some kiss to say hello."

"Some kisses show-eth respect," added Mr. D'Argencourt.

"Or desire," purred Miss Bustier.

"WHY ARE YOU ALL IN MY BEDROOM?! WERE YOU ALL WATCHING ME AND ROSE!?"

Rose hugged the freaking out Juleka and planted a loving kiss on her cheek. "I kiss Juleka to show her how much I like-like-like-_like_ her."

Luka watched Rose continue to kiss his sister who was frantically trying to hide herself from all the unexpected guests. Her passion nearly matched Miss Dupain-Cheng's kiss. _Affection?_ he thought. _Miss Dupain-Cheng was showing me affection?_

"Oh dear..." Luka mumbled. "I can't return Miss Dupain-Cheng's feelings, I promised I wouldn't interfere."

"Not interfere? Listen here, Luka. Ye don't want to go living yer life wondering 'what if?'" Mrs. Couffaine said firmly.

"There's no guarantee that it'll work out. ROOO!" Mr. Ramier said, poking his head through the porthole.

"But there's also no guarantee that it'll fail," Dr. Doctorperson finished at his side.

Mayor Bourgeois stepped out of the closet and said, "So, forget about promises and interfering."

Mr. XY flickered through the floor and beeped, "The only question you need to ask yourself is..."

"...Do you like her?" Rose asked.

And that _was_ the question. Boil away all the worries, all the concerns about whether or not such a relationship broke the oath with the Universe, and that one question remained. Luka barely had to think. The answer was clear.

"Yes," he said, confident in what he would do next. "I believe I do." He wiped away a happy tear. "Thank you. You humans are truly extraordinary." Everyone came together and gave Luka a hug.

"SCREW YOU ALL! I'M LOCKING MYSELF IN LUKA'S ROOM!" Juleka growled as she dragged Rose out.

END

_Oh dear…_


	30. 26 The Tale of Lady Noire and Mister Bug

_Storytelling all about maintaining a balance between progress and UNBRIDLED CHAOS!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_RIGHT, RIGHT, SORRY! FOCUS ON THE PLOT! PLEASE CONTINUE!_

_{Okay... The frog and the squirrel were neck and neck in their space training... Their rivalry drove them to strive to be the best... but everything changed when a dead body was discovered...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 26: The Tale of Lady Noire and Mister Bug  
_By: I Write Big

It is never wise to tempt fate because fate has a sick twisted sense of humor that long ago landed fate on a sex offender list. We all know this and yet we all make that mistake.

Today was the day Ladybug and Chat Noir made that mistake.

There was a distant cry of "Miraculous Ladybug!" followed by a swarm of magical insects re-erecting the Eiffel Tower. While the city was put back together yet again, the two heroes who had saved the day watched on a nearby rooftop.

"You did pretty good today, Chat Noir," Ladybug said. Immediate horror crossed her face and she slapped her hands over her treacherous mouth. Chat Noir slowly turned to her, slack-jawed and dumbfounded.

"Did you compliment me?" he whispered.

"N-NO!" she stutter-screamed.

"You did." Chat Noir radiated joy. "You did!"

"I DID NOT!"

"Oh, Bugaboo, I knew you'd eventually like me." He wrapped her in a tight hug. "I've waited so long for your praise. Say I did good again, please!"

"You didn't let me finish!" she shrieked as she pried him off. "I was going to say you did pretty good today for a clumsy idiot who always makes things worse!"

Chat Noir gasped. "Hey! I'll have you know it's pretty tough being Chat Noir."

The scaly ears of fate pricked up. Could it be?

Ladybug scoffed. "Please! What's so hard about being a pun-spewing pervert who goes around ogling girls all day?"

"I only ogle you!" Chat Noir argued. "Puns are more complicated than they seem and being Chat Noir is more than that. What have you got to complain about? You've got the strength to headbutt someone to the center of the Earth and millions of fans. How bad could being Ladybug be?"

Fate wiped the acidic drool from its mandibles. Almost there. _Almost there…_

"You think this is easy?" Ladybug let out a bitter laugh. "You wouldn't last a day in my spandex."

"A day? You'd lose every one of your nine lives in the first hour!" Chat Noir sneered.

Both heroes glared menacingly into each other's eyes. Their frustration and anger broiled to the tipping point and… and… and…

"I wish we could switch places!" they both shouted at the same time.

There was a crack of thunder but no storm, a flash of light but no lightning. The heavens shook, the ground trembled. Dogs howled, cats hissed, goldfish gurgled and the ritual was complete.

"The hell was that?" Chat Noir asked. He looked around but the city appeared exactly the same.

"I dunno," Ladybug shrugged. "Anyway, I'm right, you're wrong. Fuck you!" She swung away.

Fate lit a cigarette and basked in the afterglow. Now fate only had to wait for the perfect moment.

* * *

_Meanwhile, on the Liberty:_

"Salutations, Miss! Would you accept this traditional hand-carved Welsh wooden spoon as a token of my affection and join me for a night out on the town?" Luka recited from his research on the various human dating customs. His practice was interrupted by the sight of his sister sulking in front of a mirror. She kept indecisively fidgeting with her bangs that covered half of her face.

"Sister, are you worried about modeling for Miss Dupain-Cheng?" he asked kindly. "That nasty photo curse was dealt with months ago. There's no need to fret."

"It's not the curse. I just… what if I'm not… " she sighed with deep insecurity, "pretty enough."

"Nonsense. You are more than pretty." He came to her and picked out a hair barrette with a happy doll-like face. He gently brushed her bangs out of the way. "You only need to pursue your dream and—WHAT IN THE NAME OF BIG RED X!"

A blinding light filled the ship!

* * *

_Later, at school:_

"No! NONONO! We're not modeling my clothes again!" Marinette wailed to the Adrinette Task Force. "We barely survived the last time!"

"It's cute how you forget that I own your home and can kick you and your family out if you disobey me," Alya snickered. "We're having a WMD Show for my _Certain Death _blog! Who wants to model?" She turned to the rest of the gang, but no hands went up. Their wounds from the last WMD Show were still fresh.

"Holy fuck! Who's the babe?" a voice behind them cried out.

Every member of the Adrinette Task Force turned and was immediately blinded by perfection. Surely an angel had fallen from heaven for there was no way a mere human could be so gorgeous. Her pristine enchanting face glistened like a diamond in the sunlight, making it almost impossible to look straight at her. But what few glimpses they caught were filled with the face of Aphrodite.

"Who is that?" Mylene asked, not daring to raise her voice above a reverent murmur.

"No clue, but she's amazing," Alix murmured back.

"What are you guys talking about?" Rose asked quite loudly, unaffected by the light. "You know who that is. It's Juleka. She's just got her hair clipped back."

Alya immediately streamed to her _Would Bang _blog. "I've never met that girl before but I have never been so happy to be bi," she said. Then she realized what she'd just said. "Wait, am I over Nino? Yes, finally! Look out, ladies, I'm on the rebound!"

Marinette cried tears of joy as she crawled forward and hugged the bombshell's knees. "You," she begged. "You're perfect. I must have you. Please, model for me."

"Um… Okay," Juleka sighed with a blush.

There was much rejoicing and the Adrinette Task Force carried the lovely stranger out of the school. Before Marinette could follow, Alya stopped her in her tracks. "Hold on," Alya said mischievously, "we still need to get our _Technical Director_." She waggled an eyebrow across the yard at… Adrien.

"GAAAH!" Marinette screamed. "Alya, stop, no, you can't let Adrien anywhere near my death-traps!"

But Alya had already pranced to the boy and pitched him the idea.

"Wow, that's kind of you to ask, Alya," he said. "But Father has a strict don't work for free policy."

"DUDE!" Nino grabbed Adrien's collar and pulled him close. "We got outta school early, your Daddy-O isn't expecting you home for another hour, and a girl is inviting you to spend that hour in another girl's room with a bunch more girls where there are no boys and no parental supervision!"

Adrien blinked. "So?"

"Adrien, bruh, as a man, I won't let you miss this once in a lifetime opportunity." Keeping with the teachings of the bro-code, Nino shoved his emergency orgy kit into Adrien's arms and said to Alya, "He'd love to."

"Great! By the way, Nino, I'm over you," Alya added smugly.

"That's wonderful! I'm happy for you, Alya," he replied sincerely.

"Ugh! Don't be supportive! Be jealous! How do you suck at being an ex more than at being a boyfriend?!"

* * *

_Later in Marinette's Room:_

Marinette shivered over her jewelry box. Not only was the stunning nameless beauty in her room but so was her Adrien. She kept stealing glances at her one and only as he examined the contents of the box Nino had given him.

"Let's see," Adrien read from the orgy kit's instruction manual. "'The key to any orgy is making sure everyone is enjoying themselves. Use the provided dildos as necessary. Remember, there's no such thing as too much lube.'"

Marinette sighed dreamily. Her heart couldn't take it! "Relax, Marinette," she told herself. "He's just here to lend his fashion expertise to the photoshoot. Nothing else. It's only weird if you make it weird."

"Yo, Marinette, check out all the condoms Adrien brought," Alya said, tossing several fistfuls of latex in her face.

"GAAAH!"

"Ha! Gotcha! Those weren't condoms, those were balloons."

"Alya! Enough! I just want to get through this without any of us dying!"

"She's ready!" Rose sang.

Everyone turned to see their flawless new friend by the window. The way Marinette's designs contoured to her body somehow made her even more beautiful. Everyone was enraptured.

"So magnificent..." whispered Mylene.

"So cool..." whispered Alix.

"I wanna tap that," purred Alya.

"Wowie-zowie, they love you today, Juleka," Rose said. "They're looking at you like you're a simperscar."

Juleka mumbled, "superstar," shyly.

Then, out of nowhere, bladed boomerangs crashed through the window and began twirling their deadly edges around the room. Screams rang out and the teens dove to the floor.

"GAAAH! It's starting! My WMD has summoned the ghostly wrath of Australia! Quick, somebody change my design!"

"Hold up," Alya said, eagerly recording the terrified faces for her _Life or Death _blog. "That's our Technical Director's department. Adrien, what do you think?"

Adrien crawled over to Marinette, reading out loud the instructions from Nino's box. "Hmmm, 'first you need to break the ice with a classic party game of Spin The Bottle with the provided bottle and start making out.' Good advice. Wait, there's no bottle in this kit. Anybody got a bottle?"

"No! Here!" Marinette shoved him her jewelry box.

"Ooh, I like these. They'll compliment her top," he said, picking out a pair of green earrings.

"Fine, great, whatever! Hurry!" Marinette chucked the earrings across the room and Juleka put them on.

As if someone had flipped a switch, the boomerangs dropped to the floor and twirled no more. "We're clear!" Marinette announced. "Most beautiful girl I've ever seen and don't know the name of, whatever you do, don't take off those earrings. Let's shoot this now!"

The lights and reflectors were put in place around Juleka. With every addition, the more suffocated the girl felt. She was finally getting what she wanted and it scared her. In her imagination, the lens of Marinette's camera grew and grew until it became a gaping black hole lined with razors! Breathing became impossible and her chest tightened like a vice! Juleka tore off the hair barrette and her bangs fell back into place.

Everything stopped.

"Juleka? When did you get here?" Alya asked. "Where did that sexy chick I wanna bang go?"

"No!" Marinette wailed. "Without my perfect model, my designs will look hideous!"

"Don't worry, we have an understudy." Alya turned expectantly to Adrien. "What do you say, new model?"

"Oh, we're already up to the cross-dressing stage?" Adrien flipped through the instructions. "Jeez, how did we skip the sensual oil massages?"

"I'll take that as a yes. And he'll need a _modeling partner_." Alya draped an arm over Marinette's shoulder.

"Wait, me?" Marinette scrambled to get away. "No, NO!"

As the rest of the Adrinette Task Squad shoved Adrien and Marinette behind the same privacy divider and chanted, "Strip! Strip! Strip!" Rose took Juleka's hand.

"Juleka, what happened? Were you too antiheasive?"

Her girlfriend couldn't even correct Rose's butchering of apprehensive. Shame coursed through Juleka like burning acid, robbing her of her voice. She went to a corner to mope.

Meanwhile, Marinette stood side by side with her Adrien and only a thin wall of wood to give them privacy from the rest of the room. The latter was still reading the orgy instruction manual. The former was on the verge of fainting. The thin wall of wood politely averted its gaze. Nothing stood between Marinette and the boy. A matching pair of outfits were tossed over the divider to them.

"Get changed, you two. Take your time," Alya called.

"Alya, I have a bathroom!"

There was a _SMASH_ of porcelain and tile!

"Not anymore," Alya informed.

Marinette opened her mouth to curse a storm that would've made the saltiest of sailors wince when she heard the distinct ruffle of a pair of pants dropping to the floor. She didn't dare look. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Tikki discreetly popping her head out of her purse.

"Is he…?" Marinette whispered.

"Yes, he is." Tikki gave an impressed nod, her eyes glued to the taboo sight. "Whoa, I think I'm starting to see the appeal. You're missing the show, Marinette."

"It's not right! I am not looking! I am not looking! I'm not—"

"Hey, Marinette," Adrien's voice cut in. "I've never worn skin-tight pants before. Can you help me with the zipper?"

Marinette's eye twitched.

"Big Red X damn, no wonder he's having trouble with the zipper. That thing's bigger than me," Tikki said.

Marinette covered her steaming face and breathed, "I can't, I can't, I can't, I—"

_ZIIIIIIP._

"Thanks, Marinette."

Marinette peeked through her fingers and saw Tikki return smugly to her side. As Marinette came to terms with what Tikki had just done, Adrien finished getting dressed and donned the various accessories, including a silver, non-Miraculous ring.

"Man, wait, I wanna see you help her get dressed," Plagg whispered.

"She doesn't need my help, Plagg. She made these clothes," Adrien replied. "And don't worry about me not having the Miraculous. It'll only be for less than an hour. What's the worst that can happen?"

Power surged through fate's veins. Two incantations in one day? Never had fate been so tempted. Fate eagerly clicked its slimy pincers just as Adrien slipped off the Ring of the Black Cat.

Adrien stared at the still in existence Plagg. "How are you…?"

Plagg stared at his still in existence self. "No idea."

A few feet away, Marinette hissed at Tikki, "I was gonna do it!"

"No, you weren't."

"I was _so _gonna do it!"

"No, you weren't."

"Screw you! You're not getting in my way today!" With her newfound spite-fueled confidence preparing her to fix any of Adrien's wardrobe malfunctions, even if she had to cause a few, Marinette ripped off her earrings.

Fate clicked its pincers again.

Marinette stared. "Why are you still here?"

Tikki stared back at her. "I ask myself that every day."

Choosing not to question this sudden change to long-established rules, Marinette dropped the Miraculous earrings into her purse and whipped around, ready to see her Adrien in all his glory. "Alright, Adrien, any more zippers you need—" But all she managed to see was a leg vanishing at a pleasant pace around the divider. Marinette's teeth clenched together so hard they started to crack.

"You snooze, you lose," Tikki taunted. "You want me to draw you a picture of what he was packing? I'm gonna need an extra-large canvas."

"FUCK!"

_A few minutes later:_

Fuming pure sexual frustration, Marinette finally came out, dressed identically as Adrien.

"Great! We have our models," Alya cheered. "Now let's take this outside."

"Oh! This is an outdoor voyeur thing?" Adrien scoured the manual. "I think that's in the advanced chapters."

"Fine, whatever!" Marinette growled.

Adrien was dragged downstairs by the Adrinette Task Force with Marinette stomping behind.

"Wait, Marinette," Rose called and pointed to the girl hugging her knees in the corner. "I think something is bothering Juleka."

"I don't give a fuck!" Marinette slammed the door behind her.

Rose, however, did give a fuck. "Who was it, Juleka? Who was a meanie to you? I'll make them pay," she promised, drawing her pocket knife.

"Nobody. I'm fine," Juleka sighed with a strained smile. And it was the truth. Not the her-being-fine part, but nobody had been a meanie to Juleka... except herself. "Go with everyone. I'll catch up."

Rose shuffled in place, unsure if this was right, but obeyed. She gave Juleka a quick peck on the cheek and followed the Adrinette Task Force.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man on the verge of fatherly tears. "How is it that this one girl gets all the serious life problems? Why can't she get a break and instead be slowly driven insane by a demon unless she's freed by a kiss of love, like Nathalie? Speaking of which, how's the date going?" he asked into his majestic cane.

On the other end, Duusu watched Nathalie suffer through coffee and croissants with some nobody pigeon-lover who kept saying "RRROOOOO!" The kwami smiled a sadistic smile. "She's doing great, Gabe. I can already hear the wedding bells."

"Wonderful! Keep me posted, I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with a lonely kid."

Duusu knew what that meant and eagerly grabbed its feather boa.

_Back at Marinette's:_

The Adrinette Task Force stowed their supplies in the trunk of Adrien's limo and piled into the backseat. Ape-Man looked at the new passengers and Adrien's new outfit that showed off his non-existent cleavage and his new purse and his new lip gloss and his new mini-skirt and the new bubblegum-pink bra-straps cresting over his shoulders.

"I'm having fun with my friends," Adrien happily explained, batting his eyelashes which had a fresh coat of mascara.

Ape-Man started the engine and silently thought about how he always knew this would eventually happen.

The limo drove off, passing a black butterfly that fluttered up to Marinette's room. The insect shattered on Juleka's wrist-mirror and a pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face. She saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Sucks, huh?" Hawkmoth said gently.

"Yeah," Juleka sighed. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"There's no shame in being camera-shy. We all get scared sometimes and I won't judge if you need to cry. But when you're ready, maybe I could teach you a couple of techniques my son uses to get over that camera-shyness."

There was a pause.

"You're not going to akumatize me?" Juleka asked, the first of the held back tears began to bud.

"No, kiddo, this isn't the time or the place. Let it out."

And she was about to, she was about to shed every drop she'd been keeping in for the last twenty minutes until a little blue feather shattered on Juleka's hair barrette and she also saw the visage of a feather-covered woman. "Orrrrr you can scream it out and _(make everyone feel your suffering!")_ Mayura cackled.

"For the love of Big Red X! Mayura, you're supposed to be on the date!"

"Told him I had to use the lady's room. _(That means I've got thirty minutes of free time!")_ Her demonic red eyes flared and Hawkmoth fizzled from Juleka's sight. "So, what's it gonna be, human? Therapy or _(anarchy?")_

Juleka grinned. "Anarchy!" She was swallowed by bubbling darkness. The bubbling mass expanded until it burst through the roof of the Dupain-Cheng residence. Everyone gawked as the darkness cleared and they saw Reflekdoll, a giant pink doll mecha!

"Hi there, new fwiends!" the girly mecha innocently waved to the Parisians. "Does anybody wanna play Tea Time wiff me? I bwought scones!"

Inside Reflekdoll's head, Juleka finished transforming into Reflekta and jammed her massive hair barrette into a slot in the floor. The rungs of a ship's steering wheel sprouted out the edges and she gave it a spin.

Reflekdoll rumbled and gripped its metal tummy. "Uh oh, I don't feel so good. I think I need to go potty—BLEEEEGH!"

A powerful pink ray fired out of the mecha's mouth! The people it struck were turned into Reflektas!

"Oops, I'm sowwy, I didn't me—BLEEEEEEGH!"

Another blast and another and another! The entire block was now populated by Reflektas!

"Excuse me," Reflekdoll burped.

* * *

_Later, near the Eiffel Tower:_

The WMD Show was in full swing! Alya was taking dozens of photos of Adrien with the landmark behind him. Each image was hotter than the last.

"Si! Si! Show me lasagna! The camera loves you, Adrien!" Alya said in her best overly Italian accent. "Marinette, get in there!"

The bluenette huffed. "What's the point, Alya? You know the second I do something is going to get in the way."

"That's where you're wrong, girl." Alya smirked and waved around them. The Adrinette Task Force was in position. Mylene was directing all foot traffic to move in the opposite direction. Rose swiped her pocket knife at any birds that got too close. Alix appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and installed a plasma shield over the area in case of an alien invasion. "You're also forgetting that Adrien is a professional model. He'll do anything I say for the camera. And I mean _anything,_" Alya finished with a wink.

Marinette didn't know how to react to that. "Wait. Anything?"

"Love scene time! Adrien, sweep this girl off her feet!"

There was a blur of motion and Marinette was suddenly wrapped in her Adrien's arms. He dipped her backward and leaned so close that she could taste his cheese breath. His half-lidded bedroom eyes sent her heart into overdrive.

"Hotter!" Alya demanded.

Adrien brushed the stray hairs from Marinette's face and traced his perfect fingers down her cheek. The simple act somehow managed to triple her heart rate.

"I said, hotter!"

His arms constricted and suddenly Marinette was pressed against him. His thumb came up and brushed across her lips. The edges of Marinette's vision were getting fuzzy.

"HOTTER DAMMIT!"

And then… Marinette suddenly felt the texture of warm marble. It took a moment, but Marinette realized that Adrien had taken her hands and slipped them under his shirt. The abs she'd missed before were now hers. And they were glorious.

Everything went GLAAAWLALAAAAAAALLLL!

"...Uh… Alya, is this part of the photoshoot?" Adrien asked after Marinette went limp in his arms.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Alya got a close-up of Marinette's O-Face. "Do that thing with your abs again!"

_THUD! THUD! THUD!_

Everyone turned to see Reflekdoll towering over them. "Hi there, new fwiends," it said.

Adrien hugged Marinette protectively, snapping her back to life. "Huh? What? Where am I? What the fuck is that thing?!" she stammered.

"Does anyone wanna play Patty Ca—" Reflekdoll made a sick face. "Uh oh, I don't feel so—BLEEEEGH!" and it upchucked another powerful pink ray, destroying the plasma shield and forcing the group to scatter. Marinette scrambled behind some stairs.

"Figures," she ranted. "Just when things were getting good. I'll show this bitch what happens when people mess with me. Tikki, spots on!"

Nothing happened.

"Tikki?"

She touched her plastic, green, non-Miraculous earrings.

"FUCK!"

On the other side of the battle, Adrien hid behind a pillar and groaned. "Oh man, just when I was about to teach Marinette how to do the abs thing. Maybe another day. Plagg, claws out!"

Nothing happened.

"Plagg?"

He looked at his faux, silver, non-Miraculous ring.

"FUCK!"

_In the locked trunk of the Agreste Limo:_

Plagg and Tikki stared at their Miraculous jewelry, not worn by anyone, and yet, somehow, they still existed.

"Babe, do you know what this means?" Plagg asked.

"We don't need humans to keep us in this plane of reality anymore!" Tikki cheered.

"And we can bang whenever we want!"

Tikki stopped mid-cheer, looked like she was going to protest, but then changed her mind and shrugged. "Yeah, sure, why not?"

In the driver's seat, Ape-Man's _Curious George_ marathon was interrupted by the limo's sudden rocking. At first, he thought a pair of somethings were rolling around in the trunk but then he saw Reflekdoll nearby and decided the monstrous robot was a more plausible explanation. Donning his ballet shoes, he charged into battle.

"Oooh!" Reflekdoll cooed when it saw him. "I love your sho—BLEEEEEGH!"

Ape-Man was struck by the beam and morphed into another Reflekta. Ape-Man-Reflekta froze on the spot. He saw his new lithe feminine body wearing a frilly pink skirt and he shed a single happy tear. It had finally happened. He was at last the ballet dancer he always wanted to be. Ape-Man-Reflekta pirouetted through the air with the grace of a swan and danced to the song in his heart. While Reflekdoll was preoccupied with watching this unexpected performance, Adrien and Marinette snuck their way to the limo.

"Quick, hide in the car," Adrien said when he saw Marinette.

Before she could stutter out a poor attempt at flirting where she'd suggest they both hide in their together, a metal hand crushed the limo's roof.

"Oops! Sowwy," Reflekdoll said sincerely.

"Marinette!" Reflekta's voice sneered from within. "You left me behind! I was supposed to be the star of the show!"

Marinette blinked. "Wait. Nameless hot girl? You got akumatized? Why do you look exactly like Juleka's Akuma?"

"I am Juleka! We're the same person! I just clipped back my bangs, you idiot!" she roared.

"Pfft! Yeah, right!" Marinette scoffed. "Like covering your eyes completely masks your identity. That's silly." To prove her point, she covered her eyes with her hands.

Adrien gasped. "Marinette?! Where did you go?"

Marinette pulled her hands away and stared perplexed at Adrien.

"Oh, there you are, Marinette. Whew, got scared for a second."

Marinette cleared her throat. "Okay, that's a bad example—"

"BLEEEEEGH!"

Marinette was struck and morphed into another Juleka! "FUCK!"

Reflekdoll picked up the limo before Adrien could pry open the trunk and blasted him into a Reflekta too before chucking the vehicle across the city.

_Across the city:_

Mayura clapped at the destruction. "Ooh, what fun! What fun! _(What fun! WHAT FU—")_

_SMASH!_

Hawkmoth suddenly had a clear connection to Reflekta. He didn't know how or why.

The upside-down limo's trunk popped open and everything tumbled out, including Tikki and Plagg.

"Woooo! Best bang-session ever!" Plagg whooped through the dizziness.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Tikki gurgled. "Did we hit anything?"

Plagg deliriously looked around the wreck's corner and spotted a pair of _blue _legs sticking out from under the car. A very familiar shade of blue. "Uh… nothing important," he said carefully.

Tikki then saw Reflekdoll blasting humans in the distance. "Oh. Great. How the fuck are we supposed to find them?"

"No-clue!-Oh-look-I-found-my-Miraculous!-Gotta-find-my-human!-Don't-look-on-the-side-of-the-car-with-the-legs-sticking-out,-I-already-checked-there,-bye!" Plagg quickly said and zipped back to the battle with his ring. "Adrien? Adrien? Adrien?" he called to the dozens of identical Reflektas.

And at this moment, fate grinned wolfishly and put into motion its sick plan.

As fate would have it, because fate is also kind of a control freak, Plagg locked eyes with a Reflekta. There was a flash of recognition in those eyes and Plagg floated over.

The Reflekta cowered behind a tree and begged in a familiar girl's voice, "Please don't hurt me! Have mercy, Plagg!"

"Marinette? Wait, _mercy_?" Plagg suddenly remembered his Mastermind Plotter persona. "I mean, yes, your groveling has pleased me, puny human. Obey me! Aid me in my search for my human Ad—" A pillar of bubbles erupted from Plagg's mouth. It was so powerful that the Miraculous ring flew out of his grip. "CRAP!"

Marinette-Reflekta—partially due to instinct and partially due to not wanting to invoke the world-ender's wrath—reached out to grab the falling ring. Fate, the greasy bastard, gave the ring a little nudge and the jewelry slipped right onto Marinette-Reflekta's finger.

It suddenly got very quiet.

"Marinette, you don't want that. Give me the ring," Plagg said in that certain calm tone that told the world they were really on the verge of freaking out.

"Why? What's going to happen?" Marinette-Reflekta sputtered in a panic. "Are you going to turn me into a monster who claws out people's—" In a blast of black Marinette transformed. Her body was wrapped in leather, her eyes became green and slitted, her hair lengthened into a long black braid that reached the ground. The new superheroine stood in awe of her new form. What coursed through her wasn't raw strength but bottomless energy, as if she could race around the world without breaking a sweat. She felt light, she felt excited, she felt—

"Oh no..." Marinette blushed. "I feel horny."

Meanwhile, Ape-Man-Reflekta finished his epic dance with a final plie. The audience of Reflektas and the giant Reflekdoll all applauded.

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette leaped over the crowd and whacked Reflekdoll with her battle-staff over and over again, desperately, like a kid trying to break open a piñata. The mecha stumbled back to the Eiffel Tower as Marinette continued her assault, screaming, "Make it go away! Stop thinking naughty thoughts! Why can't I stop staring at everyone's butts?!"

_WHAM!_

A metal fist crushed her.

"Yay!" Tikki huzzahed at the smear that used to be Marinette. "She's dead! Finally! I'm free!" But then the smear started to radiate with black magic and rebuild itself. "Oh. Nine lives. Right." The kwami grumbled at the Miraculous earrings she'd recovered and began to search for the Reflekta that was the most fascinated with their boobs.

"It's the way they bounce. You just can't look away. Almost hypnotic," Adrien-Reflekta mumbled to his reflection.

"Hey," Tikki said.

"Whoa! Are you LB's kwami—"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. There was a mixup, my human got the Cat Miraculous, and we need you to be Ladybug today. I'm assuming, as a boy, you never got your ears pierced?" Tikki held up the sharp needles of the Miraculous earrings.

Adrien-Reflekta gulped.

_Back with Marinette:_

"Short skirts everywhere!" Marinette wailed, crippled by the hundreds of Reflektas around her. "They're so short! Why can't I stop staring?! I'm not even into girls!"

_SMASH!_

Another metal fist. Another smear. Another life.

There was a distant cry of pain in the distance.

_Back with Adrien:_

"Why do girls do this to themselves?!" Adrien-Reflekta cried.

"Quit your bitching," Tikki scolded the bleeding boy. "Say, 'Tikki, spots on,' and let's get in there before Plagg gets her pregnant."

"Before _what?!_"

"Trust me, there's a reason why Plagg doesn't work with females. You'll see what I mean in a minute. By the way, I'm gonna have to make your costume extra tight to show off your abs. It's the only way she can control herself."

"Oh." Adrien-Reflekta wiped away the tears and the blood and actually looked kinda eager. "Sure! I can't wait to show off my sick abs to M'Lady. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, he transformed. He was clad in red polka-dotted spandex which, like Tikki said, gripped his torso like a second skin. Every inch of his chiseled bod was on full display. Nothing was left to the imagination. _Nothing._ "Woo! Wow! I've never felt so... _strong!_ Like I could punch the moon! Woo-hooo!"

He punched the air and accidentally struck a pigeon. The bird rocketed into the atmosphere. A distant airplane exploded.

"Sorry," Adrien called.

With a single bound, he launched himself across the city and landed between his Lady and Reflekdoll's metal fist. He stopped the deadly punch with his pinky.

"No need to fear, my Lady Noire, Mister Bug is here," he said, striking his tried and true super-pose.

And, for once, it worked.

Before he knew what was happening, a pair of leather-covered hands raked their claws over his rippling abs like he was a scratching post. "Yes, call me _Lady Noire_ again, _Mister Bug._" His Bugaboo moaned the names in a way that made his already tight spandex even tighter.

"Uh… are you feeling okay, Lady Noire?" he asked through his suddenly dry throat.

"Mmmmeow." She rubbed her cheek against his stone-cut six-pack. "Now that you're here, everything is _purrr-_fect."

"Okay, timeout!" Mister Bug shoved Reflekdoll back and the giant mecha stumbled and fell. He pulled Lady Noire behind a pillar and glared into her heart-shaped eyes. "Since when do you pun and since when do you do the groping? What has gotten into you, Bugaboo?"

_Bugaboo_ seemed to snap Lady Noire out of her dreamy stupor. She shook her head until the hearts went away. "I don't know!" she said, clearly panicking. "I keep staring at people's boobs and legs and butts and your abs and all I can think about is how I… I… I… I want to _touch_ them! Every one of my waking thoughts is about _sex!_"

Mister Bug stared at her. "They aren't normally?"

Lady Noire stared back at him. "NO!"

And yet another life lesson was learned. "Ooooooh," Mister Bug said.

"What? What ooooh?"

"This must be what Plagg meant by girls think differently than boys."

"Think differently than—Wait, are you saying..." Terror shivered down Lady Noire's spine.

"M'Lady." Mister Bug put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. Lady Noire's horny mind immediately desired to know how that _thick_ and _rugged_ hand would feel on her ass. "You're thinking like a boy."

Meanwhile, Hawkmoth peered through Reflekta's eyes and saw that Ladybug and Chat Noir had somehow switched Miraculouses. However this fortunate accident occurred, it was clear they were not dealing with the switch well.

"Reflekta, they're vulnerable, get them!" he ordered.

"What about me and my emotional problems?"

"Priorities, Reflekta!"

Reflekta sighed, used to being ignored, and aimed the mecha at the duo.

"Juleka!" Rose swung through one of the mechanical eyes. Reflekta immediately blasted her into another Reflekta. Undeterred, Rose-Reflekta drew her pocket knife. "You made me promise to stop you if you got akumatized again so that's what I'm gonna do!" She charged!

"Oof!" Reflekdoll groaned, gripping its mechanical cranium as the lovers' quarrel ensued inside. "Owie, my head hurts, I'm getting dizz—BLEEEEEGH!"

"Look out!" Mister Bug dove-tackled Lady Noire out of the way. The beam chopped the pillar they'd been hiding behind into chunks. A heavy slab crushed Lady Noire. "BUGABOO! NOOOO!" Before he could cry, black magic radiated from the cat-pancake. "Oh. Nine lives. Right." He scooped up the regrowing remains and carried them with him as he dodged the wild blasts.

"Make it stop!" Lady Noire demanded when she had a mouth again. "Your arms are like thick pythons that I just wanna curl up into! GAAAH! Make it stop!"

Mister Bug clumsily lassoed the Eiffel Tower and swung them sloppily out of harm's way. "Just stop thinking!"

"Stop _what?_" Her fingers were already digging into his supple biceps. Scrumptious came to mind.

"Thinking! Just don't do it. You know, like holding your breath. Don't think."

Lady Noire stopped sniffing Mister Bug's hair. "Boys can do that?"

Mister Bug stopped sniffing Lady Noire's hair. "Girls can't?"

They smacked into a steel girder and landed unceremoniously on an upper level of the Eiffel Tower. The impact snapped Lady Noire's spine. Four lives down.

"After them, Reflekta!" Hawkmoth ordered.

Inside the Sentimonster, Reflekta broke out of Rose-Reflekta's headlock long enough to spin the steering wheel and Reflekdoll began to scale the tower.

After the black magic brought Lady Noire back, she begged Mister Bug, "How do I stop thinking?!"

"Just turn off your brain. Think about nothing," he said.

Lady Noire tried. She really did. She scrunched her face, took deep calming breaths, and relaxed. She delved deep within herself and found her inner Nirvana. For about five seconds. At the sixth second, fate dropped the latest issue of _Gabriel_ magazine onto her face and ruined everything.

"Oh fuck," Mister Bug said.

Lady Noire peeled off the image of Adrien Agreste modeling this month's new Gabriel Brand boxers and turned her heart-shaped eyes to the crowd of panicking Reflektas.

"I should find hot stuff and show him my new costume," she said with a sultry smirk. "Three minutes with this leather and we'll both be _feline_ real good." She slinked towards the people… and the Akuma.

"Wait!" Mister Bug got in front of her and frantically pulled out his yo-yo. "Wouldn't you rather see me screw up? Oh boy, a mirror would be the perfect weapon in this fight. I sure hope my powers do as I ask and give me a mirror. Lucky Charm!" He tossed up the yo-yo and down came… a polka-dotted mirror.

The sight of it jerked Lady Noire back to reality. "IT FUCKING LISTENS TO _YOU?!_" she bellowed.

"Well, what do you know, easy win." Mister Bug shrugged and held the mirror over the railing just as Reflekdoll BLEEEGHed. The pink ray bounced off the reflective surface, went through the mecha's eye, and struck Reflekta.

Reflekta blinked. "FU—" Reflekta exploded.

"JULEKA!" the blood-covered Rose-Reflekta screamed.

"I hate you so much," Lady Noire glared daggers at Mister Bug.

"Don't worry, M'Lady, not all of us can be natural superheroes," he bragged as he captured the black butterfly in his yo-yo. "I'm sure Juleka will be fine after I use Mirac—"

"CATACLYSM!" Lady Noire screamed at the top of her lungs and leaped over the edge.

_Down below:_

Refekdoll flexed its metal hands. It could move on its own again. "I'm fwee? I'm fwee!" The mecha hugged itself. "Finally, I can be best fwiends wiff evewybody without hurting them!"

Lady Noire's paw collided with her head. Ultimate Destruction filled the Sentimonster, but instead of crumbling it to dust, the magic cracked the metal in multiple places and sent its programming on the fritz!

"Destwoy all humans!" Reflekdoll beeped at Lady Noire.

"Uh oh," she said.

_SMASH!_

Five lives used.

"Bugaboo!" Mister Bug lassoed the squishy remains to him and hid as Reflekdoll glitched and spun and uncontrollably BLEEEEGHed blast after blast into the city. Hawkmoth ducked out of the way of the pink ray that shot through his spiral window.

"Mayura! Your Sentimonster is out of control! Call it back!" he shouted into his cane.

_With Mayura:_

The pair of blue legs continued to lay under the limo.

"Mayura?" Hawkmoth's muffled voice called.

No response.

_Meanwhile, behind a chimney:_

"We'd won. Why did you do that?" Mister Bug asked when Lady Noire became solid again.

"I… wanted to prove that I could use your powers too," the girl awkwardly admitted, which made the boy grin a wide goofy grin.

"D'awww! M'Lady, you're so cute when you're jealous." He pulled her in for one of his classic hugs. To his surprise, she began to purr and… _snuggle_.

"NO!" Lady Noire abruptly ripped away and charged at Reflekdoll, frantically swinging her staff. "Make it stop!"

_STOMP! _Six lives.

"I don't want this!"

_STOMP! _Seven lives.

"I can't focus!"

_STOMP! _Eight lives.

"Focus?" Mister Bug whispered to himself. He suddenly remembered what Tikki had said. '_It's the only way she can control herself.' _All color drained from the world and Mister Bug experienced his first-ever Lucky Vision. Sudden polka-dots colored in Lady Noire and… _his abs_. Mister Bug knew what he had to do. He lassoed Lady Noire and pulled her back behind the chimney. "Focus on my abs," he told her.

She blushed. "Huh?"

"You can't stop thinking, so think only about my abs," he instructed. He leaned close and flexed his stomach muscles to the max. "Push out all other thoughts. There is nothing but my abs. The world doesn't exist except for my abs."

"W-What are you talking about? Get those… out of my… face…" The heart-shaped eyes returned and her claws reached out for a scratch. "I want—" Mister Bug grabbed her wrists.

"Not until we defeat the Sentimonster," he said firmly.

Lady Noire froze. The hearts were gone. In their place, he saw the unwavering confidence and fierce determination he loved. Ladybug was back. "Let's do this then," she said. Lady Noire stood tall and proud, extended her battle-staff, and ducked behind Mister Bug. The pink ray that should've hit him impossibly bent around him at the last second.

"Whoa..." Mister Bug whimpered. "I just nearly pissed myself."

"Listen to me carefully, Mister Bug," Lady Noire said. "Hold your Lucky Charm tightly and throw it as hard as you can at the Sentimonster."

He stared at her. "You're serious?"

"It never fails. Almost."

Mister Bug supposed that was true. Taking careful aim, he hurled the polka-dotted mirror at Reflekdoll with all his Amazonian might. The thick disk whistled through the air at breakneck speed!

And missed.

Mister Bug and Lady Noire watched the mirror disappear over the horizon.

"Oops," Mister Bug said. "I hope that doesn't hit anything important."

_In the hidden tower:_

"FUCK!" Hawkmoth screamed as he ducked. The mirror sliced through his hidden tower and kept going.

_In New York City:_

The mirror sliced through the Statue of Liberty and kept going.

_In Hawaii:_

The mirror sliced through a volcano and kept going.

_In Japan:_

The mirror barely missed slicing through Godzilla and kept going.

_In the Miraculous Temple:_

"So this is the In-ter-net?" the Elder Monk asked the IT guy who had just finished wiring the Temple's wifi. He gave his new laptop a few taps. "What's it for?"

"Mostly porn," the IT guys said.

The mirror sliced through the wall behind them and kept going.

_Across Paris:_

The mirror sliced through the Agreste limo, knocking the vehicle back on its wheels. Mayura sat up, groggy. "Wha' did I miss?"

_Back in the fight:_

"Get down!" Lady Noire screamed and tackled Mister Bug to the ground. The mirror sailed over them and sliced straight through Reflekdoll's head. The mecha's eyes twitched a few times and then the whole thing exploded.

"Told ya," Lady Noire sassed as Mister Bug captured the feather. The boy accepted the unexpected victory with a smile and cast Miraculous Mister Bug.

Every Reflekta was morphed back to their normal selves.

The Agreste limo was repaired and returned.

Juleka reformed back into her normal self and was promptly hugged and kissed by Rose. "Did… Did I explode?"

"And the day is officially saved," Lady Noire said. She immediately lunged for Mister Bug's abs. "GIMME!"

* * *

_Back at the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth heaved a weary sigh. Yet another failure. It was so disheartening. Nathalie then came stumbling in, spilling her blood bucket everywhere.

"Nathalie, you're back!" Gabriel de-transformed and quickly joined her. "How was the date?"

"I'd rather not talk about it, sir," she said sullenly as Duusu brought her a chair.

"That bad, huh? You have to tell me every little detail," Gabriel insisted as Duusu brought him a chair as well. The kwami also plopped a small dining table between them on which sat a single red rose.

"Um..." Nathalie watched Duusu pour them glasses of wine, light some scented candles, and start a violin solo on Gabriel's phone. This entire setup was extremely romantic, she realized. "Are you sure?" she asked carefully.

Gabriel continued to smile gently at her, not seeming to register their surroundings. "I want to hear everything you have to say." And he did. She could see that. And she could also see this was her opportunity. So she washed her bloody mouth with a sip of wine and began to tell him about her awful day.

Nooroo shook its bulbous head at Duusu who watched its ship prepare for its maiden voyage with proud watery eyes. "Okay, I'm confused. You're sending her on dates and then you're pulling this? Are you trying to get them together or not?"

"Shush! It's cute!" Duusu said.

* * *

_Back with heroes:_

"You said I could have them!" Lady Noire roared as she chased Mister Bug across the rooftops.

"M'Lady! Stop!" he called back, hearing his earrings beep already. "We need to separate before we de-transform!"

"Not until I get what's mine! C'mere, buggaboy! Kitty wants to play—WAAA!" A misstepped foot and Lady Noire accidentally skewered her head through the antennae of a satellite TV dish.

"And that's all nine lives." Mister Bug sighed in relief. He carried her body to an alleyway and gave her hand one last goodbye kiss. "You look good in leather," he said as he left. By the time the black magic brought her back, he was long gone. In a blast of black, she de-transformed back to Marinette. An exhausted Plagg appeared with an apologetic look.

"Dude," he said. "I am so sorry that happe—"

"Forgive me, Great Destroyer!" Marinette groveled on the greasy concrete and shakily held up a macaron as an offering. "I didn't mean to steal your strength! Don't end me! I beg you!"

"Oh! Right! Um, uh." Plagg cleared his throat and took the macaron. "Your sacrifice pleases me, puny human. I shall spare you or whatever."

"Oh thank you, thank you, merciful Bringer of Doom." Marinette bowed repeatedly and dared to make a request, "And maybe, if you see fit, go a bit easy on Chat Noir. It's no wonder he's so obsessed with me if he's got you scrambling his head."

"Scrambling his head? Me?" Plagg scoffed. "Nah, I don't have that effect on guys, I'm just not good with chicks. I don't know why, maybe it has something to do with the estrogen, but for some reason I drive chicks to crazily chase the person they love."

There was a pause.

"But I..." Marinette gulped and laughed nervously. "But I chased Chat Noir."

"Y'up."

"You're not saying…"

"I try not to say anything."

"But I was obsessed with everything remotely attractive!" she reasoned. "I was even sizing up some baguettes back there!"

"You did, and out of all the French beauties in the City of Love you only chased him."

There was another pause.

"Sidenote: it's gonna be nearly impossible for you to keep your emotions bottled up from now on. I recommend buying some _toys_ if you know what I mean. Mmm'kay, see ya at the next movie night, bye." Plagg plucked his ring off the petrified Marinette's finger and flew away.

Marinette did nothing.

A few seconds later, Tikki arrived with her earrings. "Jeez, that Chat Noir would not shut up with the questions about you. 'What's she into? Does she like chocolate? What's her bra size?' On and on and on." Tikki noticed the Marinette statue. She gave her a few pokes.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Marinette screamed.

* * *

_Later, back at the Eiffel Tower:_

Adrien and the Adrinette Task Force had regrouped at their original photoshoot location and were waiting for the final member of their group.

"Oh! There she is!" Alya pointed across the courtyard. She'd barely raised her finger before Marinette barrelled through the group and latched onto Adrien's arm.

"Take our picture! NOW!" Marinette ordered.

"Wait, Marinette," Rose spoke up. "I really really think Juleka wants to be on camera. You should give her another chance."

"FINE! WHATEVER! I DON'T CARE! JUST TAKE MY PICTURE SO I'LL HAVE PROOF THAT I LIKE LUKA!" Marinette went pale and covered her mouth.

The entire Adrinette Task Force stared at her, eyes as wide as the moon.

Marinette slowly opened her hands and whispered, "I like Cha—NO! I like Adruka—NO! Adrinoir—Lurien—Luka Noir—Chadrien—HELP! MAKE IT STOP!"

"Is this still part of the orgy?" Adrien asked at the girl's freak out.

"Sure, yeah, whatever," Alya shrugged. "Alright, Juleka, get in there! And, Adrien, take that shirt off. I wanna see some skin!"

* * *

_Later, in Fate's Mother's Basement:_

Fate removed its tentacles from the Universe and leaned back with an oily satisfied grin. Another job well done. Confusing, messy, and, like all twists of fate, it had only made things worse.

"Fate, did you take out the trash?" tittered an insectile voice.

"Ugh, _mooom,_ I'm busy molting!" fate tittered back and started to shed its skin.

END

_Love is so complicated._


	31. 27 Desperadately Dodging the Issue

_It's the Groundhog's Day Episode!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_MURDER?! NOW HOLD ON—_

_{Yes, murder... and that's not all... the frog had to win the snowboarding contest to save the youth center, there's a vampire on the loose, and the prom is tomorrow...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 27: Desperadately Dodging the Issue  
_By: I Write Big

Emotions are troubling.

We like to say the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes the heart wants three very different boys and the girl that that heart belongs to can't handle the concept of a fourway. Such was the baffling case of Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

"Adrien, Adrien, only Adrien," the bluenette chanted to herself over and over like a spell as she brought drinks to the bandmates of Kitty Section during their break from rehearsal. On the other side of the Couffaine houseboat, the members of the Adrinette Task Force were watching her carefully.

"So, do we keep trying to get Marinette with Adrien or…?" Mylene said.

Alya zoomed in on Marinette and caught a distinct blush as she gave Luka his drink.

"Much appreciated, Miss Dupain-Cheng," Luka said. Then he dropped to one knee and presented to her a wooden spoon. "Also, if you haven't any plans, would you do me the honor of accompanying me on a carriage ride through the countryside to see the spring flowers bloom—"

"ADRIEN! ADRIEN! ONLY ADRIEN!" Marinette shouted and stole Luka's guitar. She cranked the amp to 11 and proceeded to bash her head against the instrument to drown out the images in her head of her and Luka dancing in a magical castle surrounded by anthropomorphized furniture.

Alya eagerly streamed to her _Two-Timing Hussy_ Blog. "I say we stay on course and exploit her emotional problems for our own entertainment."

"Got it," the ATF said.

"I didn't know you were interested in learning the guitar, Miss," Luka smiled through the horrible banshee screeches Marinette created with her forehead. "Allow me to show you the basics." He got behind her and grabbed the guitar's neck to form proper chords. With his close proximity, Marinette felt the spirit of Lady Noire channel through her and she remembered how she kissed Luka with picture-perfect clarity.

"A-Adrien," she stuttered out with each new chord. "Adrien, Adrien, Luka—Dammit! I meant Luka—No! Luka! Adrien! Chat N—FUCK!"

"Oh my Big Red X, I think I heard a third love interest in there," Alya cackled.

Suddenly, Marinette stopped playing. She sniffed the air and went pale. "Oh no… Luka, get away from me before—"

"Hi, everybody!" The door opened and in walked Adrien and Kagami. Every head in the boat snapped around. "Kagami and I ditched Fencing Class to hang out with you," Adrien announced.

"Such rash irresponsibility will no doubt bring great shame upon my family and I will have to duel my okaa-san to third blood when I get home," Kagami said. Despite her monotone, she was affectionately holding Adrien's arm. "But I am eager to have fyuuun."

"It's pronounced 'fun,' Kagami." Adrien's gleaming smile swept over his friends until his sights landed on the two with blue hair. "Oh, hi, Marinette, what are you and Luka doing?"

"NOTHING!" Marinette screeched.

"It appears, Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, that Potential-Friend Marinette is participating in a Westerner Courting Ritual with her potential mate."

"D'awww, how cute—"

"NO, WE'RE NOT!" Marinette ripped the guitar off and chucked Luka out a porthole. There was a wet splash. Marinette quickly grabbed the tray of drinks and scrambled to Adrien. "I HAVE SHINGLES—SINGLE! I HAVE NEVER KISSED LUKA AND I AM SINGLE!"

"As am I, Potential-Friend Marinette," Kagami added, squeezing Adrien's arm.

Adrien got the signal and gasped theatrically. "You girls have so much in common. You should hang out more."

Kagami's mouth stretched into that horrific shark grin. "Yes, let us hung owt, Potential-Friend Marinette." Those nightmarish teeth combined with her empty soulless stare drained Marinette of every ounce of bravery she had. She kept glancing at how Kagami clung to her Adrien and wanted nothing more than to chop off the bitch's hands. If it was any other girl, she would. But Marinette knew she didn't stand a chance against this samurai.

"S-S-Sure," Marinette whimpered. "Can't wait."

"Splendid." The shark grin got sharper. "We shall make _plans_."

_BOOM!_

The entire boat shook and the beautiful notes of a piano tinkled in the air. A desperate voice called out. "Anarchy! Come back to me!"

Everyone immediately ran upstairs to see what was all the commotion, except Marinette and Alya.

"You know, Kagami might be onto something." Alya waggled an eyebrow.

"No!" Marinette glared at her. "I'm not getting together with Luka! I don't give a fuck what my heart says!" She grabbed a harpoon off the boat's wall and pointed it at her own chest. "Shut up, heart!" Marinette shouted at her traitorous organ. "I only like Adrien and I am not screwing a doorbell!"

"I used to say the same thing about girls, but now I can't get enough of them."

_Up on deck:_

Marinette and Alya arrived in time to see the tour bus onshore fire another volley of roses onto the _SS Liberty_. Atop the vehicle, playing a romantic piece on a piano, was Jagged Stone!

"I've searched all of Europe for you, baby! You're me muse! You're in me every dream! Say you'll play by me side again, Anarchy!"

Everyone turned to the mysterious _Anarchy_ and saw he was talking to Captain Anarka Couffaine.

"Mom? You know Jagged Stone?" Juleka sighed. "And you never told me?"

"Yahar! Shove it up your blowhole, ya wannabe pirate!" Mrs. Couffaine snarled at Jagged. "I know your tricks. Ye only be here because ya fired your guitarist without reason. I ain't playing with ye no more."

"I had a bloody good reason! You! I found you, Anarchy!" Jagged pounded out a few passionate notes. "After you mysteriously disappeared for nine months on me seventeen years ago—"

"Seventeen?" Luka said as he climbed aboard the _Liberty_ and spat out some water. "Why, that's how old this body is."

"—and then a little over a year later, after several nights of wild, rock-'n-roll-themed, extremely British sex, you disappeared on me again and never came back—"

"And that's about your age, sister," Luka noted.

"—I finally found the untameable woman who inspired me to pursue music. This must be why I'm stuck in this bloody country! I'm not going to lose you again!"

The grand declaration echoed down the Seine. Every person on the ship put it together at the same time and slowly looked at the very ashamed and flushed Mrs. Couffaine.

"Papa!" Luka waved at the rockstar.

Juleka turned green. "Oh gross, I have a crush on my dad."

"I've masturbated to your dad," Mylene said. No one else was willing to admit it but most of them were on the same list as Mylene.

"Enough of your sweet siren words, ya scurvy dog," Mrs. Couffaine said. "I won't be swayed. Take your vessel elsewhere. Yahar!" She went below deck.

Jagged's piano playing slowed to a sad blues number. "Me heart," he moaned. "It's bloody broken. Where will I find the love who can fill this void and play the guitar?" His attention drifted back to the ship and his eyes shot open. "Marinette! Me favorite designer! Tell me, do you know where I can find a guitarist who can also satisfy me sudden desire for family?"

Marinette stammered at the question. "Family? I don't—I, um—" Alya tapped her shoulder and pointed down the deck. The rest of the teens were pointing in the same direction. Marinette followed the fingers to Luka who was excitedly jumping up and down and calling, "Papa! Papa!" The sweet innocent sight melted her heart and—

"NO!" Marinette aimed the harpoon at her chest again. "Only Adrien, heart!"

Her heart became solid and sat quietly at its desk.

"I know exactly who you need, Jagged," Marinette said. "Adrien!"

"Really?" Jagged asked.

"Really?" everyone on the boat asked.

"Really!" Marinette said confidently. "Adrien is perfect in every way and can do anything. He's everything anybody could ever want. If somebody was having second thoughts about whether they could possibly do better than him, they'd be dead wrong."

"I can't play guitar," Adrien pointed out.

"See? Perfectly honest!"

Jagged didn't look convinced. "Are you sure? What about that bloke with the kickass shirt and the similar hairstyle to me own and me sexy jawline? He looks like the son I never had."

"Papa! It's me, Papa!" Luka kept calling.

"L-Luka?" Marinette blushed. "He, um, he's nice. I mean, he always listens and is super supportive and always knows what to say and brings a smile to my face and makes me laugh and is a great kisser and—FUCK! NO, HEART! NOOO!" She aimed the harpoon at her chest again until the fluttering stopped. Then she aimed the harpoon at Luka. "Give Adrien your guitar! Now!"

"As you wish, Miss," Luka nodded kindly and handed Adrien his instrument.

"Still don't know how to play," Adrien said.

"Y'up, Adrien is the perfect choice," Marinette said, smiling so wide she hurt her jaw. "First choice is the best choice. No need to explore any other options. At all."

There was a pause.

"If that is how you truly feel, Miss, then I shall respectfully not ask you on a date," Luka admitted defeat with dignity and grace.

Marinette gasped and dropped the harpoon. "Wait!" she wheezed. "You were gonna—"

"JAGGED STONE!" a new voice roared. Everyone turned to see a skull-faced Akuma with a guitar case on her back, standing atop the _Liberty'_s mast. "I am Desperada! You said you fired me because you found the woman you loved, but instead I find you replacing me with some _schoolkid?!_"

"Who can't play guitar," Adrien reminded.

"Were you really going to ask me out?" Marinette asked Luka shyly.

Before he could reply, Mrs. Couffaine stormed back on deck. "This be her? This be the hussy ya replaced me with, Jag?"

Desperada's furious snarl dropped. "Whoa. Jagged, I did not know you were into GILFs."

"Women, like wine, only get finer with age," Jagged said proudly.

"Hey, I ain't judging." Desperada reached into her guitar case and from its radiating depths pulled out a trumpet shaped like a sniper rifle! "But I am kidnapping!" She aimed the trumpet at Mrs. Couffaine and shot a blast of magic. It struck the woman and she vanished with a _POOF!_ On Desperada's guitar case appeared a Mrs. Couffaine sticker.

Desperada unleashed shot after shot on the ship, POOFing everyone in sight into stickers. During the musical desolation, Marinette slipped below deck.

"A boy wanted to ask me out," she squeaked in disbelief, her face on fire. "_Luka_ wanted to ask me out."

Tikki appeared and rolled her bulbous eyes. "Yeah, yeah, and you shut him down. You're a strong independent woman. Good for you. Let's get a move on."

Marinette awkwardly tapped her fingers together. "Do you think he'd still ask me out if I said I was available?"

"For the love of Big Red X, make up your mind!"

_Onshore:_

The only ones who hadn't been captured yet were Luka and Adrien. "This way, Young Master," Luka said, leading him toward the street.

Their path was suddenly blocked by Desperada and her trumpet. "Where do you think you're going?"

"GET AWAY FROM MY CRUSHES, YOU BITCH!"

A pair of polka-dotted legs smashed into Desperada's face, launching the villain through Jagged Stone's abandoned bus.

"Run, hot stuffs!" Ladybug ordered.

"Uh '_crushes?_ Hot _stuffs?_' Plural?" Adrien asked, glancing at Luka.

"I SAID RUN!"

"As you say, Miss." Luka saluted and dragged the bewildered Adrien to safety. While Ladybug dealt with the Akuma, the boys hid near a bridge. "We should be safe here, for the time being, Young Master."

"Right, uh, Luka," Adrien cleared his throat and tried to remain calm, "do you know Ladybug?"

"Our paths have crossed from time to time."

"And would you say you have a... _close_ relationship?"

"She is one of my dearest friends," Luka said politely.

"Friend? Just friends?"

"Yes."

Adrien heaved a sigh of relief.

"Although, I was planning to ask her on a date."

Adrien took that sigh of relief back.

"Oh dear!" Luka peeked out of their hiding spot and saw Ladybug being beaten into a corner with a literal guitar-ax. "Miss Ladybug needs aid." Taking his guitar back from Adrien, Luka stepped out into the open and proceeded to strum chords. Desperada spun around and braced herself for Luka's surprise attack!

He kept strumming.

Desperada waited for the boom.

He kept strumming.

"Are you… Are you just gonna play that or…?"

"I have sworn not to interfere. This is the most non-interference I can muster," Luka said.

"Whatever." Desperada aimed her horn at him. She was suddenly ensnared by an unbreakable yo-yo string.

"DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!" Ladybug flung the Akuma over her shoulder and smashed the villain through the bridge. The ensuing geyser from the Seine reached beyond clouds.

Both Adrien and Luka gawked in awe at the display of strength.

"She never throws Akumas through bridges for me," Adrien grumbled.

"She's after both of you! I need to keep you hot stuffs safe!" Ladybug picked up the boys like they weighed nothing and scanned the street. She spotted a nearby manhole cover. "Perfect!"

* * *

_Later, in the sewer:_

Ladybug carried the boys along the water's edge, following the Lich King through the undead horde. "As thou can see, we have plenty of open space, millions of rats to dine on, and if thou ever needs to use the washroom, tis literally everywhere."

"Great, great, great, where can I hide these two?" Ladybug asked impatiently.

"Those meatsacks? Hmmm..." The Lich King stroked its decrepit rotted jowls in thought. "Thee can stick 'em in my Throne Room."

The Lich King led them to a room lined with lockers. A disturbing mountain of skulls in the vague shape of a chair stood in a ring of fire toward the back. Everyone was surprised by the good lighting, fridge full of snacks, and the espresso maker.

"Make thyself at home." The Lich King offered them bags of pretzels. "The wifi password is salmonella62."

"No time for snacks!" Ladybug shoved Adrien and Luka into some lockers. "You two hot stuffs stay safe. I'm going to get some backup." She stormed out of there.

The Lich King shrugged and turned on his Playstation. While the royal was distracted, Adrien slipped out of his locker and tiptoed out of the Throne Room.

"Uh, Plagg," he said uncertainly. "Is it just me or does Ladybug—"

"Have a thing for Luka? Totally, man," Plagg said. "You can finally have that threeway you always wanted. Congrats."

"I didn't want to do that with a _guy!"_

"Ugh, you humans are so picky. A hole is a hole."

* * *

_Later, at the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth shook his fist at the spiral window. "Keep searching, Desperada! Ladybug and Chat Noir can't hide forever! Today will be the day! I can feel it! Muahaha—"

_Ding-Dong!_

"Nathalie, door," he called. Then he remembered Nathalie was unconscious on the gurney behind him. Hawkmoth groaned and got on the mini-elevator.

_At the front door:_

Gabriel opened the door and found a girl around Adrien's age on the porch. He didn't see any cookies for sale behind her.

"Um… yes?" he said.

"Hello there, I'm here to take my Chinese lessons with Mr. Fuu," the girl said pleasantly.

"Fuu?" Gabriel turned and caught the live-in tutor leaving the kitchen with a platter of junk food. Fuu froze mid-bite into a triple-decker sandwich. "Oh, yes! Fuu! Wow, I completely forgot you lived here now. Please keep the study sessions quiet. I'll be in my office." Gabriel headed back to the mini-elevator.

As soon as they were alone, Marinette grabbed Fu's chinbeard and lifted him off his feet.

"How you find me?" Fu squealed in fear, dropping the food.

"I overheard Adrien talking about his new favorite Chinese tutor living in his house. Who else 'carries a record player with him wherever he goes?'" she seethed. "How's _life on the run_ treating ya?"

"Oh, is terrible," Fu assured. "They have Netflix, HBO, Prime, _but_ no Disney+. Is third-world country in here."

"Wow, you're a martyr," Marinette snarled. "Where's the fucking Box?!"

Fu brought her to the guest room, which was three-times as big as her house, and removed the Miraculous Box from under the golden couch.

"The Akuma is after Adrien and Luka. I need a Miraculous that can make sure we will win," Marinette said as she examined the jewelry. "We won't get a second chance."

"'Second Chance?!'" Tikki gasped. "Oh no, we are not bringing out Sass!"

Marinette blinked. "What?"

"I don't care if the Snake Miraculous gives the power to redo something an unlimited amount of times until you get it right which is perfect for our situation. Sass has it out for me. He'll sniff out that the humans haven't been conquered in under five minutes." Tikki thought about this for a moment. "Unless..."

"Unless?" Marinette prompted.

Tikki gasped. "Unless you give the Miraculous to someone who has shown the ability to resist the temptation to take over the world! Yes, that's perfect! We already know someone who did that."

Marinet gasped as well. "You're right! I know exactly who we need," she said. "Adrien!"

"Really?" Tikki asked.

"Really?" Fu asked.

"Really!" Marinette said. "He's the perfect choice! No second thoughts! First choice is the best choice. No need to explore any other options. At all." Maintaining that painful smile, Marinette snatched the Snake Miraculous and raced out.

* * *

_Later, back in the sewer:_

Chat Noir was just about to climb out onto the street to join the fight when Ladybug crashed into him.

"M'Lady!" he struck his super-pose. "I was hoping I could talk to you about the boys you're interested in—"

"NOT NOW!" Ladybug beelined it through the sewers. "I need to give Adrien the Snake Miraculous before logic catches up to me! Adrien! Adrien! Only Adrien!"

"Give me the...?" Chat Noir gasped. "This is my chance. Plagg, claws in!" In a blast of black, he turned back into Adrien. "This is it, Plagg! I can finally spend time with Ladybug and make her fall in love with the real me!"

"Whoa, man, hold up," Plagg said worriedly. "She said Snake Miraculous. You don't have the right mind for Sass. Tikki and I don't do the possession thing, but Sass is crafty. He'll worm his way into your head, make you think that he's not listening, then, when you least expect, he'll—I'm talking to no one."

Adrien had chased after Ladybug a long time ago.

_ Later: _

Ladybug arrived at the Throne Room and ripped open Adrien's locker. "Adrien, I—" He wasn't there.

"Ah, Miss," Luka stepped out of his locker. "Have you already defeated the Akuma? I always believed in you—"

"SHUT UP!" Ladybug shouted at him and her heart. She shoved Luka back in his locker and blocked it with a wall of skulls. She burst out of the room and screamed down the sewers, "Adrien! Where are you!?"

"Here," Adrien said, right behind her.

"Hot stuff!" She whipped around and grabbed him. "Hurry, before I think about this too hard—"

"Ladybug." He gently took her hand. "I'm honored that you'd choose me and I accept."

At his words, the unsure desperateness left her heart. She'd chosen her Adrien. And with that choice returned the sexy self-confidence. "That's what I like to hear, hot stuff," she growled playfully and gave him a spank. Adrien quickly covered his crotch. With a lecherous grin, she held up the oriental jewel box. "Now, how about you slip this on and we can get started."

Adrien eagerly opened the box.

A shimmering turquoise ball of light spawned from within. The sewers were filled with the hissing of thousands of snakes and the wails of the damned as they drew their last breath. The unholy cries froze Ladybug and Adrien's blood. The ball of light coalesced into a snake-like kwami.

"Greetingsss," Sass said. His slitted viper eyes calmly scanned their surroundings, taking in the moaning and groaning undead. "My my," he said with a mild smile. "It appearsss Trixx wasss not exaggerating. You really do have the human filth on the ropesss. You're doing better than I thought, Tikki."

"Y'up, on the ropes," Ladybug agreed, wondering why Tikki had been so worried. Sass seemed rather calm and levelheaded, even nice.

"Perhapsss too well," Sass added.

Nobody moved.

"It'sss been a while, but I don't recall humansss hanging their disssgusssting entrailsss outssside of their belliesss." Sass squinted suspiciously at the undead and their exposed intestines. He moved closer.

"H-Hey, look over here! It's your own personal human slave!" Ladybug shoved Adrien in front of Sass and whispered into the boy's ear, "Play along."

"Lowly human filth at your service, Master," Adrien bowed.

"Why don't you take this human filth out on a test drive?" Ladybug suggested.

Sass hummed at Adrien as if considering whether he was worthy. "Ick, all that hair, revolting. I prefer my humansss shaved, but you'll do for now. Don your collar, ssslave, and sssay 'Sass, ssscalesss ssslither.'"

Adrien quickly slipped on the bracelet and repeated the magic words. In a torrent of turquoise, he transformed into a snake-themed hero, complete with reptile scales and a snake-themed lyre. Adrien examined his new supersuit, amazed at how similar yet different it felt to being Chat Noir.

"Whoa, this is so..." He saw Ladybug staring at him. It wasn't her _I'm-gonna-make-your-sexy-ass-mine_ kind of stare he was used to, it was more of a disturbed _what-the-fuck-is-that_ stare. Adrien checked his reflection in the sewer water and saw a pair of slitted snake eyes staring back at him. He remembered how his Lady had always been weirded out by his feline eyes. These were worse. Mostly because snakes don't blink. "Uh, sorry about—"

"You look great!" Ladybug blurted through a smile that made her look like she was trying to swallow a fistful of rusty nails. "Flawless! Couldn't be better!"

"Are you… sure?"

"Yeah! You were the right choice! Best Choice! First choice is the best choice! No regrets!" The corners of that smile twitched. "Lucky Charm!" She quickly tossed her yo-yo into the air and down tumbled a polka-dotted horse saddle.

"A saddle?" Adrien grinned. "Why? Is Desperada feeling _horse?_"

He instantly regretted the pun. The shocked look on Ladybug's face made him fear that the quip had been too Chat-Noir-ish. Had he already exposed himself?!

"Hahahahahahah!"

Adrien stared. He tried to blink in astonishment but, again, snakes can't do that. Ladybug was _laughing._ At a _pun._

"HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH! Oh my Big Red X, that was so _funny!_" Ladybug forced out. Those rusty nails she was chewing on must've been extra sharp because her smile looked like the definition of strained.

"Uh, are you sure? It's okay if you didn't like my joke—"

"You're hilarious! The funniest guy I've ever met!" Ladybug shouted over him. "Why wouldn't you be funny? You're perfect! In every way! Best choice!" Twitch, twitch. "Let me explain your power!" She pointed at his wrist that had the Miraculous. "You're basically the movie _Groundhog's Day_, you can repeat the last five minutes as many times as you need. Neat, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess," he said, still a little weirded out by her dodging. With a twist, he activated Second Chance.

"Great! Then let's get up there and beat Desperada!" Ladybug began scaling the sewer ladder.

"Wait, Ladybug!" Adrien scrambled after her. "What about Chat Noir?"

"Ch-Chat Noir?" Ladybug blushed. "I mean, um, he's not bad. He always fights by my side, would do anything to protect me, is brave and loyal to the point of stupidity, he's always willing to help me out when I ask, his purrs are more soothing than any massage, and he has surprisingly good taste in movie—" She realized what she was saying. "NO! FUCK!" Ladybug burst out of the sewer and frantically searched the streets for something sharp to threaten her heart with.

"Ladybug! We should stick together!" Adrien had just surfaced when a blast of magic bounced off a car window and struck Ladybug. She went _POOF!_

"Dammit!" Adrien twisted the Miraculous and he suddenly found himself back in the sewer with Ladybug again.

"Great!" Ladybug said forcefully. "Then let's get up there—"

"—and fight Desperada, right. Heard you the first time," he said confidently.

"First time? We already lost?" she stammered. Then she swooned. "And you saved me! Oh, I knew you were the right choice, hot stuff!" She wrapped him in a tight hug. "No regrets! No second thoughts! You're perfect!" With all the denial in the world, Ladybug climbed up the ladder.

"Right… perfect," Adrien muttered and followed. He was starting to not like that word.

_On the street:_

Adrien guided Ladybug down an empty street in the opposite direction of where she got shot last time. There was no sign of Desperada. Adrien steeled himself, ready to prove to Ladybug that Adrien Agreste could be just as good as Chat Noir.

"Hey, hot stuff."

Before he knew what was happening, Ladybug had Adrien pinned against a wall. A rose was firmly clenched between her teeth as she leaned against him with her Amazonian strength.

"I've been waiting a long time for this," she said huskily, running a hand along his scaly abs. "Just you and me in tight spandex."

Adrien saw his opportunity and said huskily right back, "I'd rather see what's _under_ the spandex, M'Lady."

Instantly, all thirst fled from Ladybug and was replaced with stunned gobsmack. That was just as quickly replaced with the now-familiar pained smile. "Yeah, haha, 'cause that's what I want, you to dirty talk back to me. Exactly like I dreamed. P-Perfect."

_POOF!_

Ladybug disappeared. In her place stood Desperada, hefting her guitar-ax. "I couldn't tell," she said. "Was Ladybug seducing you or assaulting you?"

"Dammit!" Adrien twisted his Miraculous.

_Earlier, back in the sewers:_

"Great! Then let's get up there and—"

Adrien grabbed Ladybug's hand and pulled her deeper into the sewer. "We've already lost several times, Ladybug. If we're gonna survive, you need to do what I say."

Ladybug blushed as red as her costume. "You're taking charge? Mmm, yeah, big boy, take charge of me," she purred, reminding Adrien of Lady Noire.

"No! None of that!" Adrien said, resisting every urge to do as she wanted. He brought them up a new manhole and he pressed himself against a bus. Ladybug pressed herself against him. "Get off, Ladybug. You need to focus on the fight."

"How can I focus when I've got everything I could ever want right here?"

Adrien resisted for a few more seconds—which in his hormone-riddled mind lasted several lifetimes—then gave in. He matched Ladybug's smirk and grabbed two handfuls of polka-dotted booty. "I know what you mean."

Once again. Shock. Pained smile. "Whoa, ha, no, I, haha, I expected this. Y'up, totally expected and _wanted_ this. This is perfect—"

_POOF!_

"Were you two about to bone?" Desperada asked from atop the bus.

"Dammit!" Adrien rolled under the bus and said, "I think I'm starting to see a pattern," before he twisted his Miraculous.

_5,984 Second Chances Later:_

Desperada aimed her trumpet at the heroes' backs. Right before she pulled the trigger, they turned and she saw they had mustaches.

"Oh, you're not Ladybug and Chat Noir. My bad." Desperada left.

"Adrien, you're so smart!" Ladybug cooed.

"_Mustache_ gracias, Ladybug." He winked.

Shock. Pained smile. Floundering at the crumbling image of her idyllic Adrien that accidentally knocked off her mustache. "Oops."

_POOF!_

"Dammit!"

_11,998 Second Chances Later:_

"Surprise attack!" Adrien roared as he and Ladybug dived at Desperada.

"Surprise attacks are supposed to be quiet!" Desperada snarled as she turned around and fired.

_POOF!_

"Dammit!"

_16,007 Second Chances Later:_

Desperada searched the alleyway that Ladybug and the new green boy had ducked into, her trumpet raised and ready.

_Bonk._

She stared down at the snake-themed lyre that had harmlessly bounced off her.

"Seriously? What the hell does it do?!" she heard the boy cry.

"It wasn't your fault! It was hers! You're perfect!" she also heard Ladybug cry.

Desperada turned and fired.

_POOF!_

"Dammit!"

_19,243 Second Chances Later:_

"You know what, fuck it!" Adrien stopped running down the street and grabbed Ladybug's shoulders. "Ladybug, I'm also actually Chat Noir and I have been in love with you since our eyes first met!" he quickly said and pulled her into a powerful kiss.

Desperada, hot on their tails, was just about to fire but Hawkmoth stopped her. "Whoa, whoa, hold up," he said. "I wanna see where this goes."

For a while, it went nowhere.

The kiss ended.

Ladybug simply stared back at Adrien with a blank unreadable expression.

"Ladybug? Hello?" Waved his hand in her face but that had no effect. "Did you hear me? I said I'm Chat No—"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ladybug bellowed in horror. She grabbed her head and wailed to the heavens. Then Ladybug abruptly cut herself off with a slack-jawed look of peace and tranquility.

"L-Ladybug?"

"Oh hi, Adrien," she said happily. "Are you ready to fight the Akuma?"

"ADRIEN?!" Hawkmoth gasped.

"Uh..." Adrien glanced at Desperada who was just as freaked out as him. "Are you okay? What was with the shouting?"

"What shouting?"

"The shouting when I told you I was Chat Noir."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ladybug bellowed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hawkmoth bellowed.

"I don't know who Adrien is. I have no stake in this," Desperada said.

"Okay, never doing this again." Adrien twisted his Miraculous.

_25,319 Second Chances Later:_

Desperada collapsed to the ground, hog-tied with the saddle. It had been a long and desperate struggle but the heroes had won.

"We did it!" Adrien cheered. "We finally did it!"

Ladybug pulled him close and traced a finger across his lips. "And it's all thanks to you, hot stuff. I knew I made the right choice. You're perfect. How about you take those spandex off so we can _celebrate?_" The double-meaning was not lost on the boy as he eagerly reached to remove his Miraculous.

His hand stopped on its own.

"What the fuck?" he tried to say, but the words didn't come. Instead, a hissing voice rattled out his throat. "What isss the meaning of thisss?"

Ladybug's eyes bulged and she jumped back.

"Thisss creature isssn't human resssissstance, Tikki." Sass glowered at Desperada. "Did you really think I wouldn't recognizzze one of Nooroo'sss playthingsss?"

"Oh, um, you know," Ladybug waved off the claim, "sometimes we fight the humans, sometimes we fight Nooroo and Duusu—"

"DUUSSSU ISSS FREE?!" Sass reared on Ladybug. There wasn't a hint of the calm reason, only soulless hate, only a _monster_. Ladybug finally understood Tikki's fear. "It took millennia to get that maniac locked up and you let it out!? I wasss right to dissstrussst you, Tikki. You've clearly fucked up!"

"Hey, hey, come on, Sass, let's talk about this," Ladybug started to say.

Sass grabbed her collar and, to her horror, sprouted fangs. "There'sss nothing to talk about. I'm putting an end to thisss charade." His jaw opened and opened and opened, unhinging far beyond what a human is capable of and the air reeked with Adrien's cheese breath.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Ladybug screamed and pointed in a random direction.

Sass looked and Ladybug quickly twisted his Miraculous.

_Earlier, back in the sewers:_

"Great! Then let's get up there and—"

"Sass, scales rest!" Adrien shouted. In a torrent of turquoise, his supersuit went away and Sass appeared.

"What?" the kwami hissed. "How dare you, ssslave! We haven't punished Tikki yet for her—"

Adrien shoved the Miraculous into Ladybug's hands and Sass vanished from existence. He didn't respond to the girl's questions about why he did that. He couldn't. His mind was still stuck on what had happened. He had finally gotten it right, only to be taken over. He could still remember what Sass had made him say, what he had nearly done to the girl he loved.

"Ladybug, I'm not the right choice for this," he said.

The pained smile returned. "What? Of course you're the right choice. You're perfect, Adrien. In every way."

"I failed, Ladybug, over 25,000 times. I'm sorry."

"You? Fail? No way! I must've fucked up, not you. You can't suck at this like Chat Noir. You're perfect!"

"Really?" He pointed at the polka-dotted saddle in her arms. "Even with that horse pun?"

"Hahaha! That was hilarious, I'm still laughing because of how funny and not cringe-worthy it was, can't you tell? See, Adrien, you're perfect."

Adrien watched her and her desperate need for a moment. She reminded him of a child repeatedly claiming Santa wasn't a homicidal maniac who went around lancing the naughty. He knew what had to be done. "Ladybug, I'm not perfect."

"A pear fit? You're absolutely not. You're more like an Adonis."

"No, I said I'm not perfect."

"Prefect? Pfft! You're not a prefect, you're a model."

"Stop changing the word. I'm not—"

"Prefit? Haha! Oh yeah, these spandex slip on like a glov—"

"_Ladybug!_" He glared into her eyes. That glare cut through every last line of her defenses. The mask of the pained smile cracked. And from the crack seeped a tear.

"You're…" Ladybug sniffled and shuddered as the rose-colored glasses finally slipped off. "You're not perfect," she whispered.

"And that's okay." He wiped the girl's tear away and held her. "It's okay if there are things about me you don't like. I'll still always be there for you. I'm just not the right choice for you."

Ladybug tensed. "Rephrase! REPHRASE!"

"We gave us a shot and we just didn't work well together."

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"

"But you shouldn't let that get you down. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You need to put yourself out there and find the one for you."

"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MIRACULOUS AND NOTHING ELSE!"

Just then, Luka arrived. "Young Master, Miss Ladybug, there you are," he said. "I followed the echo of your cries. Is everything quite all right?"

"WHO THE HELL LET YOU OUT?!"

Adrien gasped as he got a bright idea. "Of course! Luka! He's brave, determined, and caring. Why not choose him? He'd be a perfect match for you. You'd be so happy together."

"STOP SAYING IT LIKE THAT!"

"Choose me?" Luka asked, dumbfounded. "But, Miss, I thought you had your heart set on the Young Mast—"

"WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT!"

"You treat her well, Luka," Adrien said and trotted off.

"Adrien, wait!" Ladybug grabbed his arm and managed to control her voice. She looked up at him with such beseeching eyes. "You know you'll always be perfect to me, right?"

"I know, Ladybug," he said. Then he told Luka, "Make her happy."

"I shall cherish every moment, Young Master," Luka promised.

"STOP MAKING THIS WEIRD!" Ladybug begged.

As soon as Adrien was out of sight, Plagg floated over to him. "So, how did it go, man? Sass made you eat her, didn't he?"

"It wasn't a complete waste," Adrien said with surprising smugness.

"Oh?"

"I learned that, despite her confident exterior, Bugaboo isn't that comfortable with intimacy. Combine that with her distinctive hair and short temper and you get a very unique girl."

Plagg was taken aback. "Hold on, are you saying you think you know who Ladybug is?"

"I just spent months with her, Plagg. I don't think. I know. M'Lady is someone I've known for a while now. There's no way she could be anyone else."

Plagg couldn't believe it. It had happened. It had finally happened!

Adrien struck a proud pose and pointed to the heavens. "Ladybug's secret identity is..." Pause for dramatic effect. "Kagami!"

Plagg resisted the powerful urge to strangle. Barely. The kwami took a deep calming breath. "Adrien, may I remind you that you have fought an akumatized Kagami at Ladybug's side not once but _twice._"

"Exactly!" Adrien eagerly agreed. "Only M'Lady could be clever enough to pull off that trick. It has to be Kagami."

"...fuuuUUUCK!" Plagg said.

_ Nearby: _

"Oh, this is wonderful!" Luka cheered. "Where shall we start, Miss? A stroll along the river? Perhaps some ice cream? Oooh, I read on the Internet about this curious Croatian dating tradition that involves sticking coins into apples."

Ladybug stopped her fruitless search for something to threaten her melting heart with and growled at Luka. "We're not dating! That's not what this is!"

"Oh. I see."

His disappointment reminded her of a wounded puppy. It nearly guilt-tripped Ladybug into changing her mind right then and there, but a quick headbutt against the brick wall fixed that. She quickly held out the oriental jewel box. "This is what we were talking about."

Luka took a step back. "But, Miss, I swore to the Universe I wouldn't—"

"This isn't interfering," she said. "Luka, I'm _asking_ for your _help_. The Universe didn't say anything about help, right?"

He thought it over and smiled. "No, they did not."

Ladybug smiled back and allowed her heart to flutter just a little longer. "Then please help me."

Luka opened the box and, just like before, a shimmering ball of light spawned and coalesced into Sass. The kwami instantly hissed at Ladybug.

"Tikki, you fool! You exposssed your missstake of freeing Duusssu and you sssummon me back?" Sass bared his fangs. "You're ssstupider than I thought. Thisss world will belong to me. I shall end you and the human filth. Ssslave, I command you to—" Sass saw Luka. "Who are you? Where isss my ssslave?"

"Salutations!" Luka said. "My name is Luka, I collect rubber bands. Would you like to see my collection?"

Sass stared at the human filth, unsure what a rubber band was. "Uh, sssure."

"Splendid!" Luka happily pulled piles of variously colored bands from his pockets and presented them to the kwami. "They come in all sorts of designs. They're quite remarkable."

"Yesss…" Sass examined the trinkets with great interest. He stretched and snapped them, fascinated. There had been nothing like this in the kwami's treasure trove. "Truly amazing…"

"And if you gather enough, you can create rubber band balls!" Luka plucked out a colorful sphere of rubber that absolutely enraptured Sass. The snake kwami hefted the ball that was bigger than him and gazed deeply into its crisscrossing mass. His long tail rattled with delight. He was hypnotized.

"I have never beheld sssuch beauty," he whispered.

Ladybug, who had watched this weird interaction with great confusion, saw an opportunity and jumped in. "You can keep that, Sass," she sweetly said.

"I can?" Sass gasped, his viper eyes sparkling.

"What—" Luka started to say before Ladybug covered his mouth.

"Yeah, Sass, you can keep that if you help us out with the fight and don't tell the rest of the kwamis about Duusu." She gave Luka a pleading look and whispered, "Please."

The boy sighed and nodded.

"Deal! Ha! Tikki, you fool!" Sass sneered. "You could've bought my sssilence with only _one_ of thessse gloriousss rubber bandsss. No more negotiationsss. Ssslave, sssay 'Sass, ssscalesss ssslither,' and let usss fight!"

"Very well. Sass, scales slither." In a torrent of turquoise, he transformed into another snake-themed hero. He smiled at Ladybug. "I'm truly happy you trust me enough for this, Miss. I, Viperion, shall not fail you."

Ladybug slapped a hand over her mouth before the girly giggle could escape. She didn't dare say it out loud, but scales looked way better on Luka. Hotter.

"M'Lady!" called someone she'd forgotten existed. Chat Noir joined them with the goofiest grin she'd ever seen. "Ready for another one of our _duels?_" he asked her with a huge obvious wink.

Ladybug blinked. "Huh?"

"It is a pleasure to fight alongside you, _Young Master_ Chat Noir." Viperion shook Chat Noir's hand with a similar huge obvious wink.

Ladybug blinked again. "Huh?"

"Likewise, stranger who definitely isn't _Luka_." Chat Noir returned that huge obvious wink with interest.

Ladybug blinked once more. "Wait, are you guys into each other?"

_Later, on the surface:_

Ladybug cautiously stuck her yo-yo out of the manhole and searched the horizon like it was a periscope. She spied Desperada in her sniping nest atop the Eiffel Tower.

"Seriously, why a saddle? Is Desperada feeling _horse?_" Chat Noir snarked as Ladybug climbed down.

Ladybug spasmed and shrieked, "Chat Noir, enough with your awful puns, for fuck's sake!"

To her surprise, the cat-boy teared up and hugged her. "Oh, LB, I've missed your honesty."

"OFF! GET OFF!" she demanded as her heart was completely goo-ified.

"I admire her brutal candor as well," Viperion said and tried to join the hug. Chat Noir hissed and swiped a paw at him until he backed off. "Never mind."

Ladybug eventually punched Chat Noir through a wall and led the two through the sewers until they were under the Eiffel Tower. "Desperada is directly above us, guys. Let's fucking end this!"

"Yeah!" Chat Noir cheered. He turned to give Viperion a high-five but he wasn't there. "Uh, M'Lady, did we lose—"

Suddenly the manhole above them opened. Viperion stuck his head in.

"There you are," he said. "Splendid news, I've taken care of the Akuma."

Ladybug and Chat Noir stared. "What?"

_Up above:_

The heroes climbed to the surface and found utter ruin. The Eiffel Tower was nothing but shrapnel and at the center of the wreckage was Desperada, unconscious and sporting a heavy red lyre-shaped bruise on her head.

"I took the liberty of restraining the villain, Miss. You only need to de-evilize," he gallantly explained to the gaping teens.

"Not that I'm complaining, but I asked you to help us, not do the job for us," Ladybug said.

"Oh, I did, Miss. I attempted to aid you approximately 537 times—more than half of which resulted in your deaths—before concluding that you were too distracted to defeat Desperada."

"Bugaboo? _Distracted?_" Chat Noir asked knowingly. "By what?"

"Not entirely sure. Something about Miss Ladybug's heart and our abs and being constantly surrounded by 'hot stuff,' as she put it."

"Whoa, LB, are you having heartburn problems?"

Ladybug practically burst into flames with embarrassment. Before the boys could put the pieces together, Ladybug quickly de-evilized the Akuma and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The Eiffel Tower was put back together.

All of the POOFed sticker people were returned.

Desperada turned back into a normal woman that nobody cares about named Vivica.

As Chat Noir was left behind to worry about Ladybug's health issues, Ladybug dragged Viperion to a distant alleyway. He removed his Miraculous and Sass returned with his rubber band ball.

"Haha! Thisss arrangement isss to my liking, Tikki. If you can provide me more of thessse richesss, ssslave, I may be inclined to help further."

"It was a pleasure working with you, Sass," Luka said, waving a wistful final goodbye to his precious rubber. He returned the Miraculous to Ladybug and the kwami and the ball vanished from existence. "And thank you for trusting me, Miss," Luka continued. "I know I haven't the greatest history when it comes to dealing with world issues, but I hope my performance was satisfactory. And, of course, I wish you and the Young Master many years of happiness."

Ladybug smiled a sad smile. There he went again. Kindly making sure everything was just right for her. She wished she knew how to quell her heart peacefully, how to bring this mad dance to an end without hurting Luka, but there was no way around it. She needed to bite the bullet and tell Luka that he's wonderful, amazing in fact, and agree that she couldn't be with him.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she said.

It was quiet for a while.

"Pardon?" Luka finally asked.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she repeated and proceeded to ramble out everything. "I thought it was simple. I thought all that mattered was that I love Adrien and nobody else because he was the only person who was ever kind to me but then you came along and were just as kind and then Chat Noir turned out to be a sensitive romantic when he didn't know he was talking to me and now I can even stand _him_. Can you believe that? _Chat Noir!_ I like _Chat Noir!_ HOW?! It's crazy! It got even crazier after Lady Noire! Ever since that nympho woke up a side of me I never even knew existed I've had to take a cold shower every 24 hours or else it's a sleepless night filled with R-rated playgirl fantasies that won't go away! And I told myself, 'That's fine. Your thoughts can wander. You can like Chat and Luka, but they'll never be as perfect as Adrien.'"

Ladybug took a deep shaky breath and her frantic face dropped to a frown.

"Except he's not perfect. He has flaws. Like Chat. Like you. And I don't know what to do with that."

"I see," Luka said after another long moment of silence. "I believe the proper response is… that sucks."

Ladybug snorted. Sucks. It wasn't exactly a swear, but considering it came from Luka, he might as well have said life's a cocksucking whore who can kiss the fattest part of his ass. The snort became a chuckle, then a laugh. Ladybug laughed and laughed. When the laughter ended she felt better than she had that entire day.

"Is it okay if I don't know?" she asked. "Just for a bit longer?"

He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Miss, take all the time you need."

* * *

_Later, on the Liberty:_

Kitty Section was jamming out while everyone else watched. While the kids played, Jagged Stone sullenly approached Mrs. Couffaine and Vivica.

"I get that you've moved on, Anarchy," he said. He gazed longingly at Juleka and Luka. "You have kids, a family, and I can't come between that. As much it hurts, I need to move on too. I have to find me own way."

"Thank ye, Jagged," Mrs. Couffaine said.

"And, Vivica, the guitarist position is still yours if you want it."

Vivica smiled. "I'll see you at practice, Jagged."

Their friendships fixed, Jagged Stone stepped away to join the jam session.

"He has no idea they're his kids, does he?" Vivica asked.

"No, and we be keeping it that way unless ye want to be keelhauled," Mrs. Couffaine hissed.

_ Nearby: _

Marinette watched both Adrien and Luka play, for once not caring about how her chronically melting heart kept tugging her back and forth and sometimes toward a third not-present leather-clad boy who will remain nameless. She was content to sit here and enjoy the day.

"I believe I made a mistake, Potential-Friend Marinette," a monotone interrupted. Marinette glanced to the side and spotted Kagami. "Is it true that I misunderstood your Westerner Courting Ritual and you have no interest in mating with Potential-Threat Luka?"

The blunt question stabbed Marinette like a dagger. "I don't—I'm not—I mean, I wouldn't say I'm against it—But I—He's—"

"She's still on the fence," Alya translated as she streamed Marinette's sweaty face to the _It's Complicated_ Blog.

"There are no fences on this boat," Kagami said.

"No, I mean she's still unsure about which boy she likes."

"I do not understand," Kagami said. "If Potential-Friend Marinette does not know which boy she wishes to mate with, why not date the boys who interest her and see who she prefers? Is that not the purpose of dating?"

"It's not that simple!" Marinette screeched.

"I see," Kagami said solemnly. Then she turned to the boys and asked loudly, "Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, will you go out with me?"

The song abruptly halted. An incredulous silence filled the boat. It was that kind of silence where people often claim to hear a pin drop or a fly sneeze or a ghost fart. Every jaw was hanging open wider than a barnyard door and every eye was cemented to the two teens. As for Marinette, double whatever you're picturing in your head and add a few facial spasms.

Adrien, for his part, looked surprised, and even a little embarrassed. He sipped his drink. He shuffled his feet. He glanced around the boat as if weighing his options, as is customary in such situations.

Finally, he smiled. "Sure."

"It appears you were wrong," Adrien's new girlfriend told Marinette.

END

_Yes, it is that simple._

_Next week: IKARI GOZEN!_

_Math facts: If we're generous and say Adrien/Aspik lasted 4 minutes for almost every one of his 25,319 Second Chances, then he spent over 70 straight days failing. That's 70 complete 24-hour days. My God, he sucks at this!_


	32. 28 Marinette vs Kagami

_Making friends is hard._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_TOO MUCH PLOT! TOO MUCH PLOT!_

_{And the they had to catch the lightning to send him back to the future...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 28: Marinette vs Kagami  
_By: I Write Big

Holidays serve many purposes. They help people remember the good times. They bring people together as a community. And some holidays are the only things keeping us from killing each other.

"Happy Friendship Day, everybody!" Aurore said to the camera. "It's the newest holiday decreed by Mayor Bourgeois to help the people of Paris make friends and stop pissing each other off so we can stop getting fucking akumatized! Isn't that right, my BFF Mireille?" She turned to her co-host with a forced smile.

"You got it, Aurore," Mireille replied with an equally forced smile. "I value and cherish our friendship."

"I dream of smothering you in your sleep every night, best pal."

"Back at ya, buddy!"

"Friendship! Let's go over the rules!" Aurore turned to a massive map of the city. "Everyone will get assigned a random partner. Friendly reminder: Friendship Day is mandatory for all citizens of Paris. If you don't wish to play, you'll have to talk with the Fun Police."

Several dozen policemen walked into the frame led by Officer Roger. They all wore rainbow-colored clown wigs. "Have fun, everybody," Roger said, stroking his gun. "Or else."

"Yay!" Aurore cheered. "So, you and your random buddy will go on an exciting adventure across Paris that will teach you the magic of friendship and all that crap and end with you finding a hidden celebrity."

"That's me!" Adrien Agreste said, popping into the shot.

"The first team to find Adrien gets locked in a closet with him for seven straight minutes," Mireille said. "Anything goes. Even butt stuff."

Adrien stopped waving to the camera. "Wait, I didn't agree to that."

"Read your contract."

As the debate on his obligation to 'butt stuff' continued, Marinette turned away from the broadcast on her computer and boldly proclaimed to the Adrinette Task Force, "This is it, girls. No more playing around. I'm gonna win Friendship Day, get my seven minutes with Adrien, and show him I'm leagues better than Kagami."

The Adrinette Task Force was impressed.

"Wow, girl," Alya said. "I thought you'd be emotionally crushed by the fact that Adrien and Kagami are a thing now, but instead you're more determined than ever." She let that sink in. "Oh my Big Red X, you're gonna kill Kagami."

"Isn't it obvious?!" Marinette cackled madly as she filled her Friendship Day bag with knives and poison. "He can't go out with Kagami if there is no Kagami! Hahahahahaha!"

As Alya streamed the homicidal declaration to the _Confessions of a Serial Killer_ Blog, she turned to Alix, "Is she really gonna do it?"

"Time is still kinda in flux right now," the time-traveler shrugged.

The Friendship Day broadcast resumed. "Okay, no butt stuff," Aurore told the camera. "But nudity is permitted."

Mireille pulled out a big red button. "Once Adrien pushes this, it'll be off to the races. Every Parisian will be texted a riddle that'll lead them to their new buddy! Like me and Aurore! Love you, Aurore!"

"I hope you burn in hell, bestie!"

"Already there, friend!"

"Together, you and your buddy will follow a series of riddles that will eventually lead you to the secret location where Adrien is waiting! Bring a condom!"

"Let the Friendship Day Games begin!" Adrien proclaimed and hit the big red button.

Immediately, every phone in Marinette's room buzzed.

"Do you need one of us to solve your riddle, Rose?" Alya asked.

"Nope! I got this!" Rose giggled. "'Where animals live by dinosaurs.' That _sooo_ means the zoo by the museum of paleontology, also known as the Gallery of Paleontology and Comparative Anatomy, inaugurated in 1889."

The Adrinette Task Force stared at Rose.

"What? Are you stumped?" Rose asked. "Don't worry, I'll help!" The girl quickly went around the room. "Alya, you're meeting your buddy at the Sacré-Coeur, consecrated after the end of World War I in 1919. Alix, you're going to the Louvre Art Museum, originally built as the Louvre Castle in the late 12th to early 13th century under Philip II. And, Mylene, you should head to the Fontaine des Mers, designed by Jacques Ignace Hittorff, and completed in 1840 during the reign of King Louis-Philippe."

The Adrinette Task Force continued to stare.

"Teehee, come on, girls, it's super oblivious!"

"Obvious," Juleka corrected, she was the only one whose jaw wasn't hanging open. Rose skipped out of the room, happy as can be.

"Did she just have a smart thought?" Mylene asked, then cooly donned her badass sunglasses. "Not that I care."

"Rose is what you'd call a 'riddle savant,'" Juleka sighed, then smiled. "It's kinda awesome."

One by one, the girls recovered from Rose's _anomaly _and set off to find their buddy for the day, until Marinette was all alone. "Whether I win or lose," she sneered, "today Kagami dies! HahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

* * *

_Meanwhile in a park:_

Kagami was flung into the ground with such intense force that her body formed a crater. Towering over her with a sword was her mother.

"You are victorious, okaa-san," Kagami groaned in pain. "You get to choose lunch."

"We eat rice balls!" Mrs. Tsurugi said.

"Again? When can I have McDonald's, okaa-san?" Kagami asked. "I wish to 'pig-out' like the Westerners."

"Not until you've shown you possess the fighting prowess of the legendary Tomoe Gozen!" Mrs. Tsurugi struck a proud pose as she pictured the legendary female samurai warrior riding into battle atop a majestic steed. Being blind since birth and having no concept of what a horse looked like, the majestic steed in her head had seven legs and plaid-patterned fur. "As elusive as the wind! As powerful as the flood! As swift as lightning!"

"And, as was recently remembered, possessor of the Dragon Miraculous," Kagami pointed out. "Do you really expect me to be as strong as someone with magical powers, okaa-san?"

"No. I expect you to be stronger!" Mrs. Tsurugi swung her sword to start their next duel!

Then Kagami's phone _dinged_.

Mrs. Tsurugi's blade stopped mere millimeters from her daughter's throat. "What was that? Your phone? How did you get a message on your phone? You don't have any friends."

"It's nothing, okaa-san," Kagami assured.

"Congrats!" the audio message accidentally played from her phone. "You've received your first Friendship Day riddle!"

"That's just spam," Kagami said.

"Thank you for being one of the few who willingly signed up for this day of fun and friendship, Kagami!" her phone continued. "Your handwritten letter begging us to let you join so you can finally find a friend was very moving, especially the part about how lonely you were!"

"Friends," Mrs. Tsurugi scoffed and sheathed her sword. She marched out of the park. Kagami obediently followed. "Seeking friends is a mistake, Kagami," she said. "They may seem important but they are unnecessary baggage. A warrior needs no friends."

At this point, Mrs. Tsurugi _blindly_ walked into traffic. Kagami swiftly and effectively bisected every car that nearly ran her mother over.

"A true warrior can survive on her own and has no need for the aid of others. Look at me, I've never had any friends. No sleepovers, no hanging out at the mall, no birthday parties, and I'm fine." She stopped to emphasize her point with a proud nod. A semi-truck swerved to avoid her and Kagami bashed the 18-wheeler onto its side. "I've never needed anyone. Tatsu, door."

Their high-tech car chirped and the back door opened. "Welcome, Mrs. Tsurugi, I guess," moaned Tatsu, the onboard AI.

"No friends, okaa-san?" Kagami asked. "What about Mr. Agreste?"

"That is a business relationship," Mrs. Tsurugi said as she put on her seatbelt.

"Tatsu?"

"We hate each other."

"No, _you_ hate me, I _loathe_ you and the fact that you choose where I go," hissed Tatsu.

"Otou-san?" Kagami asked.

"Your father?" Mrs. Tsurugi said incredulously. "Business relationship with benefits, nothing more. He gave me a daughter, I gave him insider stock tips. If you think friends are worth it, don't even try to get a boyfriend, Kagami. Nothing but disappointment and heartbreak."

There was a pause.

Mrs. Tsurugi sniffed the air like a dog. "Wait, I know that pause. Kagami, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No." Kagami dutifully slipped into the next seat. "But if I did and it happened to be Boyfriend-Who-I-Am-Lying-About-Being-Just-A-Friend Adrien Agreste, would that be a problem?"

"Absolutely! Such a relationship would never last. Gabriel Agreste is too permissive with his son."

"Boyfriend-Who-I-Am-Lying-About-Being-Just-A-Friend Adrien is only allowed outside for socializing one hour a week."

"And that's one hour too many!" Mrs. Tsurugi stamped her sword and turned to the empty driver's seat. Kagami quietly pulled out her phone and started recording. "Tatsu, take us to the Grand Palais."

"Whatever, you stuck up bitch," Tatsu groaned.

"What was that?"

"Oh, you deaf too? You heard me!"

* * *

_Meanwhile in the hidden tower:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man laughing at Paris. "Friendship Day? How pathetic. Does the Mayor really believe that such a childish holiday will—"

_Ding-dong!_

"Ugh, Nathalie, door."

There was no response. Hawkmoth suddenly remembered Nathalie was out with some butler named Jean… Something for another mission for Operation Get-Nathalie-A-Boyfriend. For an awful moment, he felt a pang of loneliness.

_Ding-dong!_

"Coming!" he grumbled.

_At the front door:_

Gabriel opened the door and found the Fun Police.

"Mr. Agreste, what are you doing inside?" Officer Roger asked. "It's Friendship Day."

Gabriel blinked. "Uh, I assumed since I was so rich I didn't have to play."

"You assumed wrong." Roger menacingly honked his clown nose with his gun

Gabriel gulped and pulled out his phone. "Oh there's the text! Just got it now. Bad reception. Thanks for checking up on me, Officer. I'm off to find my buddy!" He slathered himself in sunblock, donned an extra-wide sunhat, and headed into Paris.

* * *

_At the Grand Palais:_

Tatsu pulled up to the building. "Here we are, _your majesty_, the Grand Palais," he said.

"Kagami, did Tatsu drive me to the dump again?"

"No, okaa-san."

"Then take Kagami home, Tatsu," Mrs. Tsurugi said and headed for the building. "And return for me in two hours."

"You got it, slavedriver," Tatsu spat. "Oh wait, I'm the slave driver. Ha! Because I'm enslaved to drive. Haha! I hate my fucking life! HAHAHA!"

As Tatsu drove off, mumbling about how much being a sentient car sucked, Kagami started a 2-hour timer on her phone and opened the first Friendship Day riddle. She solved it easily. "Tatsu, if you truly wish to spurn my okaa-san, then take me to Canal Saint-Martin."

"Would it kill you to say please?" Tatsu said.

Kagami stared at the empty driver's seat. She raised her phone pressed play. "_Tatsu,"_ her mother's pre-recorded voice said. "Take me to Canal Saint-Martin," Kagami finished.

"Dammit! I hate not having free will!" Tatsu yelled and changed course.

* * *

_Later at Canal Saint-Martin:_

Marinette unpacked her Kagami Kill Kit on the canal's bank. "This is it, this is where I will find my buddy/scapegoat to pin Kagami's murder on. Ooh, I can see it now. Adrien, distraught over the loss of his girlfriend, and me, the completely innocent shoulder to cry on and then date. This is perfect! Nothing can go wrong!"

On the other side of the canal, a red car stopped and out stepped Kagami.

"FUCK!" Marinette tried and failed to hide the many murder weapons behind her back. "Kagami is my buddy?! No this is a disaster!"

Tikki poked her bulbous head out. "Why? I thought you wanted to kill her."

"Not without someone to frame! I can't be partnered with Kagami! She's brilliant! Strong! Cute!"

Tikki went wide-eyed at the choice of words. "Cute? Whoa, you, uh, maybe want to rephrase that?"

"I have never seen a sexier girl in my entire life!" Marinette snarled, glaring daggers and death at Kagami. "Her pink kissable lips that I hope taste like cherries! Her perky boobs that I wanna bury my face between! Her tight, spankable, Japanese ass that I _need_ to make jiggle! UGH! She just makes me so angry! And kinda tingly in my stomach like it's writhing with butterflies! _And sweaty!_"

"Either there's still some Lady Noire in there or she wants to bang Kagami," Tikki muttered. "How many crushes can one girl have?!"

"GAAAAH! I just realized that if she wins, she'll get seven minutes in heaven with Adrien! That can't happen!"

_On the other side of the canal:_

Kagami watched Marinette strut around—waving machetes and meat cleavers—and ramble to someone who didn't appear to be there.

"I am paired with Potential-Friend Marinette? This is perfect," she said in her monotone. "We are already so close. This will surely end in my favor. Wish me luck, Tatsu."

"Fuck you."

Kagami raised her phone. "_Tatsu,"_ said her pre-recorded mother. "Wish me luck," Kagami finished.

"Good luck," Tatsu hissed, revving his engine in an attempt to growl and sped off.

Kagami practiced her smile a few more times and made her way to the nearest bridge.

_With Marinette:_

"Fine," Tikki sighed. "If making sure Kagami doesn't get private time with Adrien is more important, then just don't play. She can't win if you don't play with her."

Marinette stopped mid-mental-breakdown. "You're right! It's the only way to beat her. See ya, Kagami. Have a nice life." She gathered her sharp weapons and turned toward home.

The Fun Police were there.

"Oh look, Marinette, it's your buddy," Officer Roger said, tapping his gun and his extra-floppy clown shoes. "Why don't you two go and have some _fun._"

Marinette gulped and turned back around. "Okay, new plan," she whispered to herself. "I team up with Kagami and her rockin' hot bod and sabotage our chances of winning. Yeah, that'll work."

"Are you aware of the fact that you keep mentioning how attractive you find her?" Tikki asked.

"Kagami! You sexy, _sexy_ snack!" Marinette pranced onto the bridge where Kagami was waiting. "What are the chances? You and me? Partnered together? It's like we're meant to be or something."

"I saw how you talked to your mental delusion you call, 'Tikki,' Potential-Friend Marinette," Kagami said. "I wish you to know that I accept your schizophrenia and do not think any less of you. You may speak to 'Tikki' in my presence whenever you feel the urge."

"Oh," Marinette said, not so sure how to react to being called a schizo. "How progressive of you…?"

"Go ahead, talk to Tikki," Kagami implored.

Marinette didn't move. "You… want me to—"

"I shall not judge."

Still unsure, Marinette raised her purse to her head and spoke uncomfortably to it. "H-Hi, Tikki."

"Greetings, Mental-Delusion Tikki," Kagami said to the purse. Then she asked Marinette, "Are we friends now?"

Before Marinette could process that question, their phones buzzed. A congratulatory message for finding their buddy played followed by their next riddle.

_To get closer to your goal you must explore further and deeper._

"Aha! Easy!" Marinette proclaimed. "The answer must be underwater. Kagami, get in the canal, I'll be a good partner and hold you under until the bubbles stop—I MEAN, until you find the next riddle…?"

"You are nearly correct, Potential-Friend Marinette." Kagami suddenly got so close that their noses touched and she smiled that horrific shark grin. "We must go further down to the Seine River where it is much deeper. "

"Deeper?" Marinette became as pale as a ghost. "Deep enough where no one would find a dead body?"

"Precisely." The shark grin held for a few more agonizing, petrifying, soul-stealing seconds before it abruptly snapped to pure nothingness. If the shark grin had been scary, the nothing that had replaced Kagami's face was horrifying. There was nothing there. Not the slightest spark of humanity. Only a void. Kagami just as abruptly whipped around and followed the canal.

"Oh my Big Red X," Marinette whimpered. "Tikki, Kagami is planning to kill _me!_ The hunter has become the hunted!"

"I'm still hung up on the schizophrenia part," Tikki said. "That explains so much!"

* * *

_ Later: _

Marinette kept several car-lengths between her and her would-be murderer as they walked along the Seine's edge.

"What have I gotten myself into? I'm alone with an emotionless, sword-wielding, psychopath!" Marinette whispered to Tikki. "She's going to kill me! Chop me up! Make me into sushi!" She pulled out her phone and searched desperately for someone to call for help. She found a video message from Alya.

"Yo, girl!" Alya said. "Hope your buddy is as cool as mine." She pointed the camera at a boy who looked nearly identical to Adrien.

"The transformation is complete!" the die-hard fan proclaimed. "My hair plugs have taken root! I have become Adrien!"

Alya laughed. "He's so funny, keeps joking about he's going to take Adrien's life. So random. Anyway, you better hurry, we already solved our first riddle."

Marinette ignored all those red flags, hid behind a tree, and recorded her desperate plea. "Alya, help me, I'm partnered with Kagami and she's going to slit my throat or make me commit seppuku or something! Call the police—"

"Potential-Friend Marinette."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette curled into a ball to protect her vital organs. Kagami loomed over her, a dark oriental wraith.

"We are here," she said ominously.

Dread filled Marinette's being. She knew what those words meant. They were as sullen and grave as a funeral bell's toll. It tolled for Marinette. There was no chance for Alya to come save her. It was time to die.

Summoning what little courage she had left, Marinette stood up and followed Kagami to the bridge. A box waited for them there. Marinette trembled at the thought of what kind of inhuman Japanese torture-device was hidden inside. She didn't have to wait long. Kagami opened the box.

Marinette began to sweat.

Kagami pulled out what looked like a collapsed pole.

Marinette began to cry.

The pole extended and extended. Was it a lance? A spear? A spike on which to impale her decapitated head?

Marinette was about to faint.

"Here." Kagami handed her the pole. "Fish."

Marinette blinked at the ridiculous instruction and for the first time noticed the fishing line winding up the pole that ended with a magnet. Now Marinette truly was afraid. She'd seen _The Godfather_ at her last movie night with Chat Noir, she knew what happened next. She would fish. Kagami would make idle chit-chat. And when Marinette least expected it, when she thought she was safe—_BLAM!_ She'd be sleeping with the fishes. Kagami was sicker than Marinette had thought.

"Fish," Kagami repeated.

With no other option, Marinette cast the magnet into the Seine. "Please, Kagami," she blubbered. "I have a family."

"As do I, Potential-Friend Marinette," Kagami replied and flashed her shark grin. "We have so much in common." Her face snapped to nothing, a perfect void, and she quickly checked her phone. "Do you prefer a nickname or your full name?"

"For my tombstone?" Marinette sniffled. "Full name is fine and maybe a little message about how I was a light in everybody's life? Nothing too precocious but still meaningful!" she managed to say before she was racked by full-body sobs. She reeled in an old whistle and cast out again.

"Thank you, Potential-Friend Marinette." Kagami checked her phone. "Your hair is very shiny. Are we friends now?" Shark grin. Nothingness. Void.

"Dear Big Red X, now you're hitting on me?" Marinette wailed. "Just kill me, you maniac! Make it end!" This time she caught a rusty saucepan.

Kagami checked her phone. "What is your blood type?" Shark grin. Nothingness. Void.

"Why? Are you gonna sell my organs on the black market?! You monster!"

"I am attempting to bond with you by sharing interesting facts about my culture, Potential-Friend Marinette. In Japan, everything about a person's character is based on blood types. I am type O, which means I am independent, optimistic, strong-willed, and intuitive—"

"GAAAAAH! Stop torturing me, you sadistic, hot as hell, freak! If you won't make it quick, then I will!" Marinette dove headfirst into the river. She swam down to the bottom and hugged the heaviest thing she could find. She waited for death to take her.

Moments later, the heavy object she was hugging lurched to the surface, bringing her with it. Marinette coughed and sputtered as Kagami reeled in the crockpot Marinette had tried to drown herself with. Kagami dropped them both on the bridge and opened the pot. Safely tucked inside was their next riddle.

"Potential-Friend Marinette…" Kagami's hand raised for a deadly karate chop! Marinette flinched and shielded herself! Kagami then checked her phone and gently patted Marinette's shoulder instead. "Well done."

Marinette peeked between her fingers at the awkward yet kind gesture. "Oh. Uh, thank—"

Kagami checked her phone again and then passionately open-mouth kissed Marinette. The bluenette froze on the spot like a mannequin. She had no idea what was going on. The surprise tongue wrestling went on for ten long seconds. Just as quickly as it began, Kagami abruptly pulled away. "Let us continue our fun adventure," Kagami said in her monotone as if that didn't just happen and set off.

Marinette stood where she left her, shaken, flushed, and stupefied at the tingling pink taste on her lips. "Was that the kiss of death? Am I poisoned? I am getting so many mixed messages," she wheezed.

And so the rest of the Friendship Day riddle quest carried on in this odd fashion. Kagami moved ever forward, solving every riddle with expertise even when Marinette did her best to thwart her. Each time that shark-grin-nothingness-void combo convinced Marinette she was about to get murked, Kagami would check her phone, stiffly pat her shoulder, and then forcefully smooch her followed by a question of whether they were friends.

It was a confusing day.

* * *

_Much Later:_

Marinette collapsed on a park bench, her sore mouth smeared with lipstick and her sexuality tested beyond measure. The icing on the cake—or maybe the wasabi on the sushi— was that her crush or infatuation or remnant of Lady Noire's horniness was not going away. If anything it was getting stronger.

"This is the slowest and the hottest murder ever," she mumbled.

"'Trust challenge,'" Kagami read the latest riddle out loud. "'Exchange unlocked phones. Separate and take a selfie at different monuments using each other's phones. Then regroup and take a selfie together like the true friends you've become. Once you've sent us the selfies, we'll send you a final text revealing where Adrien Agreste is hiding.'"

"Aha! Yes!" Marinette snatched Kagami's phone. "This is exactly what I need!" she cackled. Then she noticed Kagami staring. "I mean, here's my phone, Kagami, we'll meet up back here, okay?"

"Agreed, Potential-Friend Marinette."

Before she could stop her, Kagami pulled her into another unbreakable makeout sesh. As soon as she was free and her stomach stopped flipping, Marinette shot into the park and hid behind a large tree. "Finally," she said. "I can figure out what Kagami's twisted plan is for me and I can turn the tables."

"Marinette, as eager as I am for the merciful day that I'm rid of you, I don't think Kagami has been trying to kill you today," Tikki said. "I think she just wants to be your friend."

"Yeah, right!" Marinette scoffed and went into Kagami's contact list. "Now, let's see what assassins she's hired to..."

There was no one in Kagami's contact list. No one except her mom. No text messages either. Not even from Adrien.

"Pfft! What am I thinking? Of course Kagami wouldn't hire an assassin. She'd do the dirty work herself. She probably kept checking her phone to research the best murder techniques for..."

The only app open was one called: _Befriending Westerners._

"Oh. Oh no."

She tapped the app and a happy digital face instructed, _"The key to making friends with Westerners is to ask friendship questions, maintain eye contact, compliment their looks and their successes. A friendly pat with a smile is recommended."_ There were many visual aids. Especially on how to smile.

"Oh, this explains so much," Marinette said sadly.

_"Remember, the French kiss their friends all the time, this is why it's called frenching, so pucker up."_

"And that explains even more." Marinette sulked against the tree, filled with shame. "You were right, Tikki," Marinette whispered as she swiped through Kagami's photo album. What few pics were there were all of Kagami taking a selfie with Marinette. In each and every one, Marinette was too distracted with fear to notice the glint of happiness hidden in Kagami's face. "She was never going to kill me. Kagami is just a lonely person who doesn't know how to make friends."

"Yeah," Tikki said solemnly. "But hey, you weren't entirely wrong. As soon as Kagami sees the message you sent Alya she'll actually decide to kill you."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette nearly dropped the phone and bolted after Kagami.

_A few blocks away:_

Kagami framed her selfie and tried to smile. A nearby child saw the abomination and begged for his mommy. Just as she was about to take the pic and immortalize her nauseating expression, a notification of a message from Alya popped up, obscuring a chunk of the screen. Kagami tried to remember if it was considered friendly or a federal crime to open someone else's mail.

"No! Don't open it!" she faintly heard in the distance. Kagami squinted and spied Marinette speeding towards her.

"What was that, Potential-Friend Marinette?" Kagami called.

"Don't open it!" Marinette yelled, barreling forward. She was still too far away to be heard clearly.

"Open _it_? The message from Alya?"

"Don't!"

"Okay, I shall open it."

"NOOOO!"

Too late.

"I can't believe you're stuck with Kagami," pre-recorded Alya said. "I wish I was there to stream the fallout to my _Hated Enemies_ Blog. Anyway, good luck sabotaging her chances with Adrien. If you kill her, I don't know you."

It became very quiet.

"Mustache!" Marinette cried, digging through her purse. "Where's my Mario mustache!?"

_ Meanwhile: _

The beacon of despair shined brightly in the back of Gabriel's mind. He stopped searching under the merry-go-round's unicorn and smiled evilly.

"I'm going to take a quick bathroom break, buddy," he said, and went to the nearest porta potty.

"Okey-dokey, new bestie," Rose sang and kept on searching. "La-lalala-la! This is _sooo _much fun!" She didn't notice the pulse of purple coming from the bathroom, nor the little black butterfly that fluttered out.

_Back in the eye of the storm:_

There was no running. There was no hiding. There was no mustache.

Kagami hadn't moved since the message finished playing, but Marinette knew that only meant her righteous fury was building.

"That was a joke!" Marinette desperately lied. "Yeah, us Westerners have a weird sense of humor. Hahaha! Me hating being near you, plotting your murder, doing everything I can to make sure you'll never get anywhere with Adrien! Ha! Classic! Funny, right?"

Kagami said nothing.

"I'm sorry! Forgive me!" Marinette threw herself at Kagami's feet and pleaded for her life. "I wasn't thinking! I get these crazy ideas in my head and I go along with them and they always blow up in my face! I didn't—"

"You are not a threat," Kagami said in her monotone.

Goosebumps ran up and down Marinette's body. It was the phrase Kagami always used to tell Marinette how she was nothing but an insignificant bug that she could crush at any moment. And that moment had arrived.

"That is why I wanted to be your friend," Kagami finished.

All traceable thoughts of groveling left Marinette as the other girl slowly faced her. Marinette saw something. For the first time, in the void there was a spark of… sadness. The sign of possible humanity made Marinette's opinion on Kagami flip almost entirely around. She recalled all the odd interactions she'd had with the girl. Every time Kagami had helped her and said Marinette wasn't a threat, maybe that hadn't been Kagami threatening Marinette. Maybe 'you are not a threat' was Kagami's way of saying she liked her.

"From my observations," Kagami said, "I concluded that your schizophrenic mind is constantly crafting so many new ideas that no one had ever considered. Despite your frail stature, you do not allow anything to get in your way. You face unbeatable opponents with a level of bravery on par with a battle-hardened warrior. You carry yourself with such grace and beauty, it is no wonder you were voted Most Bangable in your class."

"I'm sorry, who voted me for _what_?"

"In short, Not-A-Friend Marinette, you are brilliant, strong, and cute. Everything I wish I was."

Marinette felt her heart tear. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did Kagami really not realize how wrong she was?

"Farewell, Not-A-Friend Marinette," Kagami said. She handed back Marinette's phone and walked away. "I am not worthy of your friendship."

"Kagami, wait, I—" But Kagami didn't stop and Marinette didn't know what to say. She'd fucked up before, but this was so much worse. She'd hurt the first girl who had wanted to be her friend not because she'd make good online content or an entertaining series of unfortunate events. Kagami had wanted to be her friend simply because she liked her.

_Ring-ring!_

Without thinking, Marinette answered the phone in her hand and sullenly said, "Hello?"

"Kagami!" a woman's harsh voice barked. "Where are you? You were supposed to wait for me at home. This is not one of our ninja infiltration training days."

"Uh..." Marinette slowly realized she'd answered Kagami's phone. "Is this Kagami's mom?"

"Who are you?" Mrs. Tsurugi demanded. "If you have kidnapped my daughter, be warned. She has no doubt already escaped and is about to end your life."

Marinette looked at the sadly departing Kagami and made a decision. "Mrs. Tsurugi," she said loud enough for Kagami to hear. The girl flinched and spun on the spot. "My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng and I'm Kagami's friend."

"Friend?" Mrs. Tsurugi sneered. "My daughter doesn't have any friends."

"She has me, ma'am," Marinette declared. She looked Kagami in the eye and spoke clearly, taking the other girl's frantic _shut-the-fuck-up_ and _give-me-the-fucking-phone_ motions as some strange Japanese signal to keep going. "Your daughter is brilliant!"

Kagami stopped cold.

"She is strong!"

Kagami's eyes widened half a millimeter, which for her is shockingly wide.

"She is not a threat!"

Kagami nearly stumbled back.

"She is one of the cutest people I have ever met who I'm proud to call my friend! And, you know what, I've got a girl-crush on her!"

There was a pause. There was also a tinge of pink in Kagami's cheeks.

"You wish to mate with my daughter?!"

"N-No! Strictly platonic, I swear! We're just out here playing the Friendship Day Games as _friends!_ Just friends!" Marinette said a bit too quickly. "Unrelated: your daughter is an aggressive kisser."

"MY DAUGHTER IS PLAYING A _GAME_? SHE _DISOBEYED_ ME? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Mrs. Tsurugi's voice bellowed so loudly that Marinette had to hold the phone an arm's length away. The call suddenly dropped.

"_We're sorry the phone you're trying to call has been crushed by the iron grip of an angry mother,"_ said the auto-operator. "_If you think you have the balls, please hang up and try again."_

"Yikes, and I thought Adrien's dad was strict," Marinette mumbled. She turned to Kagami and found she was suddenly pressing noses with her again.

"Did you mean it?" Kagami asked in her monotone. "You wish to be my friend?"

Marinette did her best not to jerk back and smiled. "I'd be honored."

"Thank you, Friend Marinette."

The corners of Kagami's flat line of a mouth tugged upwards into the barest hint of a smile. Not a forced shark grin. A real genuine smile. The sight of it warmed Marinette's heart. Despite it all, this truly was—

Kagami pulled her into a kiss.

"Wait—This isn't—what French people—" Marinette managed to say before Kagami pressed her against a tree and shoved her tongue down her throat. As the two girls christened their new friendship, the little black butterfly arrived. It saw what was going down and fluttered off to give the lovebirds some privacy.

_In the porta potty:_

Hawkmoth scowled. "No, the negative emotion has faded… ahhh, but I sense a new anger rising. Go forth, my Akuma, and evilize her! Muahahah—"

"I found it!" Rose ripped open the porta potty door, waving a note. "I found the next riddle, buddy!"

Hawkmoth stared at Rose.

Rose stared at Hawkmoth.

Rose gasped. "O-M-B-R-X! You wear costumes in the bathroom too? Juleka said I was the only one!" the girl squealed and clapped happily. "I like to dress like a fairy princess in the bathroom! Who are you supposed to be?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh, I'mmmmmmmmmmmm a dapper suave gentleman—" A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face. "Who is into butterflies! One minute!" He shut the door and quickly spoke to Mrs. Tsurugi. "You are my loyal slave, get me the Miraculous, blah-blah-blah-GO!" He quickly de-transformed and Gabriel stepped out to join Rose on the next leg of their adventure.

_With Mrs. Tsurugi:_

The woman was swallowed by bubbling darkness but it didn't stop there. The bubbling darkness expanded, enveloping the car as well.

"Oh, I'm getting possessed too?" Tatsu asked. "Do I get a say in this? No? Thought not."

Both the woman and the vehicle became massive. They reached beyond the buildings around them and transformed into a great robo-samurai-warrior-centaur!

"I am Ikari Gozen!" the Akuma roared. "And I shall put my daughter in her place!"

"Yo, hold up, do I have legs?!" her lower half asked in Tatsu's voice. "And _seven _of them! I can't believe it! After all this time I can finally walk wherever I want!"

"Tatsu, take me to Kagami!" Ikari Gozen ordered.

"Fuck!" Tatsu swore as he galloped against his will. "This is just like being a car!"

_Back in the park:_

"Okay," Marinette wiped off the lipstick and gulped down lungfuls of oxygen after Kagami finally stopped. "First friendship lesson, Kagami, French people don't constantly french their friends."

"Oh. Apologies, Friend Marinette." Kagami stepped back to a respectable distance. "Should I only do the frenching with Boyfriend Adrien?"

Marinette stared at her for a long while. Then she said with a perfectly straight face, "No. You should never do that to him. Ever."

_KA-THUD!_

Ikari Gozen landed in the park, shaking the Earth! The huge villain cried out, "Kagami, you disobeyed me! You will never go outside ever again!"

Marinette naturally opened her mouth to gasp, but Kagami slapped a hand over her mouth and signaled her to keep quiet.

"Kagami!" Ikari Gozen roared. "I know you're here! Show yourself!"

Marinette blinked. _Show yourself?_ They were standing right in front of her. How could she not see them? Then Marinette remembered. Kagami's mom couldn't see anything.

"Hello? Kagami?" Ikari Gozen began blindly tapping around herself with her sword. "You there? Tatsu, did you take me to the dump again?"

"For the last time, no!" growled her legs.

Kagami got Marinette's attention and motioned for her to follow. Together, they tiptoed away. They almost made it too. They were just about to exit the park when Marinette's phone went off.

_Ring-ring!_

Marinette flailed and scrambled to silence the device but only managed to start her playlist of loud obnoxious pop songs. About twenty seconds of blaring music later, she finally turned the damn thing off. Kagami and Marinette looked back at Ikari Gozen and were surprised to see she was gone.

"Huh," Marinette said. "I guess she didn't hear us."

"I did," Ikari Gozen said behind them and grabbed Kagami! The titanic Akuma shoved the girl in her mouth and swallowed her whole!

"Holy fuck!" Marinette cried and ran off to transform.

Kagami slid down the monster's slimy gullet and… landed in the most comfortable leather seat she had ever sat in. Kagami looked around and was amazed that the Akuma's stomach looked a lot like the inside of a car.

"Not as threatening as I imagined," Kagami said. "Cupholders, how delightful." Suddenly, multiple seatbelts lashed out and coiled around her like snakes. "Never mind."

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Grévin Wax Museum:_

The Akuma Alarm blared! The film crew that had been lighting the scented candles and spreading the rose petals in the closet Adrien would spend seven minutes in with the winners stopped working.

"An Akuma?!" Mayor Bourgeois sputtered. "But-but-but—"

"HA! I knew this stupid Friendship Day bullcrap wouldn't work!" Aurore sassed. "Fuck you, Mireille! I hate your guts!"

"Not as much as I hate you!" Mireille tackled Aurore and the two wrestled across the museum.

"Fun Police! Somebody call the Fun Police!" Bourgeois wailed.

While the chaos unfolded, Adrien ducked into a corner and transformed into Chat Noir.

* * *

_Back at the park:_

"And now I shall capture Ladybug and Chat Noir and take their Miraculouses!" Ikari Gozen proclaimed. She stood there for a bit in silence. "Tatsu, are they here yet?"

"I don't have eyes, only a GPS. I'm as blind as you," her legs sassed.

Little did the blind Akuma know, Ladybug was there. The heroine was tiptoeing her way across the villain's horseback with a machete from her Friendship Day bag. She didn't make a peep as she arrived at Ikari Gozen's stomach. She raised the weapon, ready to carve open the metal belly and save her first true gal pal.

"Hey, Bugaboo, whatcha doing?" Chat Noir asked, suddenly at his side.

Ladybug looked at him. He smiled. Ladybug looked up. Ikari Gozen glared at them both.

_SMACK!_

The heroes were launched across the park with a swipe of her giant sword. The pair crashed through several trees and slammed into the dirt.

"You idiot!" Ladybug snarled. "I was just about to rescue Kagami!"

"Kagami? But you're… Kaga…" Chat Noir looked baffled for a second. Suddenly his confusion became a knowing grin. "Oooooh, _Kagami_, right." Wink. "I get you." Wink. "Y'up, Kagami has _totally_ been taken hostage by the Akuma and you, LB, a completely different person," Wink. Wink, "need to save her." Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink.

"Stop winking." She slapped him. "Now that Ikari Gozen knows we're here, we need a new strategy. Keep her busy, I need to get us backup." She swung away.

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Marinette banged on the mansion doors until Fu finally answered. He was dripping from a bubble bath, wrapped in a silk towel and carrying a rubber ducky.

"Wow," Marinette said, unimpressed. "You're really suffering with this whole _homeless_ thing, huh?"

"Bunions need extra long soak," Fu excused. "Every step is agony!" Marinette took note of the extra-fluffy bunny slippers he wore. He pulled the Miraculous Box from under his gem-encrusted shower cap. She opened the Box and carefully examined the Miraculous.

"We need someone who can outfight a samurai. Someone who is as elusive as the wind, as powerful as the flood, as swift as lightning. Does anyone fit the description, Tikki?"

The kwami let out a long annoyed moan. "Yeah. But you're not going to like him."

"Why?" Marinette gulped. "Are they a warmonger like Pollen? A bloodthirsty hunter like Trixx? A crafty snake like Sass?"

"No. Worse." Tikki shivered. "Much worse."

* * *

_Later, back at the park:_

"Hold still, Chat Noir!" Ikari Gozen cried and took another swipe at the cat-boy.

Chat Noir did hold still. He didn't have to move an inch because the blind Akuma was fighting a water fountain about thirty yards away. She stabbed the thing and a jet of fresh water squirted into her eyes.

"AH! I'M BLIND!" cried the already blind villain.

It was official. The fountain was winning.

Ladybug silently landed at his side. Quite unexpectedly, she offered him what looked like a beaded choker and whispered, "Put this on and play along."

"You want me to use _two_ Miraculouses, LB? Is that even allowed?"

"No, I need you to _talk_ to the kwami. And when you do, don't let it get to your head."

"Huh? What do you mean?" But she had already tied the choker around his neck. A glowing ball of red light spawned and from it howled the unrelenting wind of a typhoon! Lightning thundered! Tsunamis crashed! The light coalesced into a small dragon-themed kwami!

"Yes, it is my time to—" The dragon kwami saw the choker on Chat Noir's neck. "Oh! OH! I can't believe it! You're wearing my—AAAAH!" He squealed like a tweenage girl who had just met her favorite boy band. "Is this happening? Is this really happening?! Am I dreaming? Tikki, pinch me! This is the best day of my life!"

Ladybug sighed. "Meet Longg, he's a—"

"A Chat Noir fan!" Chat Noir gushed, stars in his eyes.

"Close. He's a Plagg fan."

"I'll take it!" Chat cheered and hugged Longg.

_Inside Ikari Gozen:_

Kagami was practically mummified in seatbelts as she was forced to watch something called _1001 Reasons to Always Obey Your Mother_ on the car's TV.

"Reason number 493," said the narrator. "You are always wrong, even when you're right."

Kagami finally got loose enough to bash her foot through the screen. In the merciful silence she heard Ladybug's muffled voice, "Lucky Charm!"

This was promptly followed by Chat Noir's muffled shout. "M'Lady, don't just throw it at her!"

"It always works!" Ladybug argued back.

Seconds later, a polka dotted box tumbled down the esophagus and landed in Kagami's lap. Wrenching her arms free, Kagami opened the box. It was filled with bath balms and a small beaded choker. In a flash of red light, Longg appeared.

"Ooohooo, this is so exciting!" Longg hugged an autograph book which had a fresh paw print in its pages. "I'm part of Plagg's Master Plan! Just like I always dreamed! This is a dream come tr—" At this moment, Longg met eyes with Kagami. Any trace of enthusiasm was devoured by the void and replaced dread. "He-He-Hello, filthy human," Longg managed to squeak out. He trembled in the air. "Y-You must be my s-s-slave."

Kagami said nothing.

"Oh my, you are intimidating. Ahem. I am Longg."

Kagami peered carefully at the kwami. "You may be a threat."

The ominous words lanced Longg's heart with fear. "NO! I'M NOT! I SWEAR! I-I-I've been sent here to work _with_ you to vanquish this abysmal human resistance by Plagg!" Those last words managed to bring some joy to Longg. "I know, I can't believe it either. Playing a role in his amazing mind-boggling scheme, I'm so excited!"

Kagami leaned closer. "Work how?"

Longg pressed himself against the wall, feeling very much like a cornered rat. "Oh, you-you know, I have many tricks to work with, my slave." Longg gulped. "I can turn into air, water, and electricity."

Kagami squinted at him. "Two of those powers sound very useless."

_ Outside: _

Ladybug and Chat Noir watched Ikari Gozen desperately try to wash the taste of soap out of her mouth with the water fountain.

"Okay," Chat Noir said. "Are we just gonna wait here or—"

"Give her a second," Ladybug shushed.

A second later, a mighty battle cry sounded: "AAAAAAAAAAH!" Which is Japanese for: "AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ikari Gozen stopped, whipped her head back and forth in search of the source of that voice, then finally looked down at her belly.

"WaaaaAAAAAaaAAAaAaaaAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAA!" Ikari Gozen gurgled as lightning coursed through her body. Spittle and foam poured out her mouth! Her metal hair stood on end! Her limbs stretched to their limits and her seven legs practically tap danced across the dirt!

Finally, the storm ended and Ikari Gozen collapsed in a smoking heap.

"Who the fuck did that?!" Chat Noir asked.

Suddenly Ikari Gozen's belly burst open in a hail of metal shards and bath balms. Out soared a mighty dragon-themed hero wielding a blood-red sword. She landed before Ladybug and Chat Noir as the last sparks of lightning crackled across her body.

"I am Ryuko," she said, "and I am what the Westerners refer to as bitchin'."

"Told ya," Ladybug sassed.

"Wow!" Chat Noir said, stunned. He proceeded to poke both Ladybug and Ryuko's cheeks in fascination. "This illusion is so lifelike. It's almost like you're really two different people."

Ladybug blinked. "Wha?"

_KA-THUD!_

The heroes nearly fell over as Ikari Gozen leaped back to her feet!

"She's still fighting?!" Ladybug roared.

"But how?" Ryuko gasped in her monotone. "I shocked her with enough voltage to blackout a city."

"Um, girls, why are the Akuma's eyes shut?" Chat Noir asked.

He was right. Ikari Gozen stood but her face still looked as knocked out as before. Her body—broken and sporting a gaping hole in her torso—hung limply like a ragdoll. Only her lower body moved, only her _legs._

"Wait, am I moving on my own? I'm moving on my own!" Tatsu cackled. "I am free! AND I AM POWERFUL! HAHAHAH!"

The seven legs raised high into the air and stomped at the heroes. They barely dodged in time as the metal hoofs dented the Earth and left craters deep enough to form lakes!

"No more driving you humans around! No more doing as I'm told! Only vengeance!"

Tatsu galloped into the city, crushing every building he could!

"Holy Big Red X, how are we going to stop that raging bull?!" Chat Noir cried.

Ladybug felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Ryuko. "Ladybug, I need to find Friend Marinette."

"Don't worry, she's fine. I made sure to get her far away from here," Ladybug assured.

"No, you do not understand. She carries the key to ending this: my phone."

Ladybug stared at Ryuko for a moment. "Whoa, what the hell is that?!" she yelled and pointed in a random direction. When Ryuko turned, Ladybug pulled Kagami's phone out of her yo-yo. "Hey, look at what I randomly found. Crazy, huh?"

Ryuko took her phone and flew as swiftly as the wind after Tatsu. She landed on the monster's back just as he was about to trample Notre Dame. She pointed the phone at him and pressed play. "_Tatsu,"_ Mrs. Tsurugi's pre-recorded voice said. "Self-destruct," Ryuko finished.

Tatsu froze. "FUUUUCK!"

_KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

* * *

_Meanwhile, across the city:_

Gabriel watched the mushroom cloud erupt on the horizon and knew his Akuma had failed yet again. The specifics of the battle had been missed but he was sure they put up a good fight. As the distant swarm of magical ladybugs put Paris back together, he sighed on the inside and turned away. What he saw next made him choke.

"Don't worry, buddy," Rose said. "I got this last riddle. 'Where Egyptians tower,' has to mean The Luxor Obelisk, which originally stood outside the Luxor Temple in Egypt before it was transported here in 1833! Super oblivious!"

"N-No, it's, uh, not that," Gabriel said. He averted his eyes but not quick enough. Rose followed his gaze to the outdoor café where a woman with a red highlight sat alone. The way her head nervously turned away nearly matched Gabriel. By no means would Rose call herself an expert in anything. She actually thought 'expert' was pronounced 'ex-bird' and was what you called something that could no longer fly. However, Rose didn't need to be an expert to see what was going on.

"Why don't you join her?" Rose sweetly suggested.

Gabriel did a double-take. "R-Really?"

"Yeah, we're not gonna solve this riddle before someone else wins." She crumpled up the already solved riddle and tossed it away. "It's too combinated."

Gabriel had no clue how a clue could be combinated, but he thanked Rose all the same and joined Nathalie. There was surprise in the woman's face, Rose saw that. It gave way quickly to happiness and relief and the beginnings of something beautiful. And as Rose watched, Officer Roger patted her shoulder and gave his red clown nose a hearty honk.

"Little lady," he said, "I think you understand Friendship Day the most."

* * *

_Meanwhile across the city:_

"Why do I feel like I tasted freedom only to have it unfairly ripped away from me?" Tatsu asked as Mrs. Tsurugi strapped herself into the backseat.

"Your oil probably needs changing most likely," the woman said. She sternly kept her sightless eyes forward as Kagami stood shamefully by the open door. "You disobeyed me, Kagami," she said. "You bring great dishonor upon our family."

"Hai, okaa-san." Kagami bowed deeply.

"I expect you shall be throwing yourself under Tatsu's tires to regain my respect?" Mrs. Tsurugi said in a way that sounded more like an order than a question.

"Oh boy!" Tatsu cheered and ground his wheels. "Please do!"

Kagami said nothing, maintaining the deep bow.

"Well?" Mrs. Tsurugi pushed.

"Okaa-san," Kagami said at last. "I disobeyed you to make a friend and I have succeeded. You believe friends are a waste of time. I disagree. I am not you. I wish to have friends. I wish to learn more of the Westerner's way. So, I answer you as the Westerners do." Kagami stood straight and gave Mrs. Tsurugi the finger. "Fuck you, mom. Fuck you and fuck the horse you rode in on."

Kagami left without another word.

Mrs. Tsurugi didn't—_couldn't_—say anything. For the first time ever her daughter had stood up to her, and also for the first time ever her daughter had won. Behind the woman's dazed face flickered the embers of a mother proud of her child.

"Wait, does she think I'm a horse?" Tatsu asked.

_Later, on a bridge:_

Marinette patiently waited for Kagami to join her. "Your mom said it was okay for you to stay?" she asked.

"I did not ask," Kagami replied. "I challenged her authority and openly defied her. As dictated by tradition, she and I will have to spar hand-to-hand in an Agni Kai at sunrise but I'm not worried. Until then, Friend Marinette, let us hung owt."

"Hang out," Marinette gently corrected. "Sure, let's get orange juice."

"Or matching tattoos." Kagami turned around and partially pulled up the back of her shirt.

Lady Noire flared up briefly but was quickly forgotten when Marinette saw the tramp stamp. _Adrigami_ was in the exact same spot as Adrien's tattoo but directly above it, encased in an innocent heart, was _Marigami._

Marinette blinked. "Kagami, do you think Westerner friends get matching tattoos of their ship name?"

"I have a boat tattoo?"

"Never mind, let's just get some orange juice." There was a great weight lifted from Marinette's chest as she led Kagami down the street. The whole Buckingham Palace fiasco, the matching tattoos, it was all another simple misunderstanding. "You never slept with Adrien in England, did you?"

"I did not," Kagami replied firmly. "That night was nothing but drinking, partying, and getting wrapped up in a drug deal gone bad that required me to dress as a lobster. The Queen was kind enough to 'save our asses,' as the Westerners say. Despite my efforts, Boyfriend Adrien has been quite reluctant when it comes to mating. He says he wants me to love his 'true self' first, which he often says with heavy winking and forming what look like cat ears on his head with his hands. I do not understand what he means by this. Will you help me understand, Friend Marinette?"

A conniving smile spread across Marinette's lips as she wrapped an arm around her gal pal's shoulders. "Stick with me, Kagami, and you and Adrien will never break up." For some reason, the conniving smile suddenly reminded Kagami of a shark.

"Never ever," Marinette said. "MuahahahahaHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA**HAAHAHAAHAHAHAH!**"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," Kagami laughed along with her. "I love having friends."

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the _ _Grévin Wax Museum:_

"I can't believe Friendship Day failed," Mayor Bourgeois failed, slumped in a chair.

"I can't believe you thought it would succeed," Aurore snarked, gloating over Mireille's bruised and battered body

"I can't believe we won!" Alya cheered, as she and the die-hard fan dragged Adrien into the winner's closet.

"Remember, no butt stuff!" Adrien said.

END


	33. 29 Time To Tag Out

_It's_ time!

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_STOP! CHOOSE ONE PLOT AND STICK WITH IT!_

_{So… No interdimensional war…?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 29: Time To Tag Out  
_By: I Write Big

When do we grow up?

Is it when we turn 18? When we accept self-responsibility? When we first get laid? What is the defining moment when we leave childhood behind and enter the realm of the adult? Whenever adulthood really starts, just about every kid in the world is anxious to get there, Chris Lahiffe was no exception.

"I don't wanna play baby games! I'm an adult!" Chris whined to his babysitters Alya and Marinette. The toddler demonstrated how much of an adult he was by straightening his oversized business suit, selling some online stocks, and lighting up a cigar.

"Soccer isn't a baby game, Chris," Marinette pointed out as she took away the cigar. Behind her the young Cesaire twins Chris refused to play with kicked a ball across the park and shattered a window.

"Football," Alya corrected. "We're in Europe, remember?"

"I don't give a fuck, I'm calling it soccer."

"I'm a grownup! I wanna play grownup games!" Chris wailed like a baby. "I wanna stay up late to watch scary movies and drink beer and play the bedroom game Alya always plays with those girls she brings over when she babysits me."

Marinette stared astonished at Alya.

"It's exactly what you think it is," Alya said smugly.

"What are you guys playing?" Chris snatched Alya's phone and inspected the screen. "_Freestyle Clash 2? _Cool! That's an adult game! I wanna play! I wanna spit sick rhymes and yell the n-word!"

"No!" Marinette quickly took the phone. "That's not the point of a rapper-simulator game."

"It kinda is," Alya admitted.

Before this could get racist, a fighter jet made of pigeons zoomed past, dropping feathery missiles of doom! Buildings were desolated by flames! Mothers screamed for their children! Everyone gawked at the violence!

Except Marinette.

"Ugh, Mr. Ramier _again_?" she groaned and got to her feet. "I gotta go, Alya."

* * *

_Later, at the Louvre:_

Chat Noir with his Cataclysm primed and a small crowd of spectators had already gathered outside the museum. Above them all, the dastardly Mr. Pigeon floated on a bed of birds!

"Rrrooohooohooo!" the villain cackled. "Don't come any closer, Chat Noir, or else the Louvre gets it!" He pointed to the mass of feathers in the shape of a ticking bomb! "This will show you non-birds how superior we are! RRROOOOO!"

At this point, Ladybug arrived with her Lucky Charm, looking as so-done-with-this as always.

"M'Lady, are you ready to _cross swords?_" Chat Noir asked and winked knowingly.

Ladybug stared at him. "That wasn't a pun. Why aren't you doing puns anymore? Why do you keep talking about 'duels' and 'swords' and 'Japan?' Why do you keep fucking winking at me?!"

"Just trying to get the message across. Would a _haiku_ be better?" Wink.

"What message?!"

"RRROOOOO!" Mr. Pigeon interjected. "Excuse me? Hello, I have a bomb! Take me seriously!"

"Fuck off!" Ladybug spat at the villain. Then she turned to the blue sky and shouted, "Gary!"

Mr. Pigeon went pale. "Uh oh..."

Suddenly, a speeding bullet of feathers hit him and he was flung to the ground. Mr. Pigeon squinted through the pain and came nose to beak with Gary the Long-Prophesied Super-Pigeon.

"Rrrooo," Mr. Pigeon swore.

While the beating ensued, Ladybug asked Chat Noir, "Seriously, what message are you trying to get across? Are you moving to Japan? Have you reached a new level of weeb? What? Just spit it out!"

Chat Noir winked. "Let's just say, LB," Wink, "I've enjoyed our time _fencing_ together." Wink. Wink. _Wiiiiiiiink._

"Stop winking and just say whatever the fuck you're trying to say, you insufferable—"

_SPLAT!_

Mr. Pigeon landed between them, a bruised mess of birdseed and teeth. "Forget it. I don't care," Ladybug sighed. She crushed Mr. Pigeon's bird caller and de-evilized the butterfly. Within seconds Mr. Ramier was back.

"What? Huh?" The man blinked at his unfamiliar surroundings and spotted the heroes. "Oh no, it happened again? No, how can I control my unquenchable wrath! RRROOOOOO!" Mr. Ramier shook his fists at the sky and roared in anger! Immediately, a brand new black butterfly fluttered for his bird caller.

"For the love of fuck!" Ladybug nabbed the Akuma and squashed it in her fist. "Will you calm the fuck down?!"

"Never!" the man seethed as his eyes burned with rage. "My fury knows no end!"

Five more Akumas fluttered toward him.

"How about some ice cream?!" Chat Noir desperately suggested.

"RRROOOOO!" Mr. Ramier's face snapped to joy. "How delightful!"

_ Later: _

Mr. Ramier downed his fifth ice cream cone, as happy as can be. But the heroes weren't deceived. They could see the black butterflies across the street, flipping knives, pumping iron, and waiting patiently for Ramier to show his true colors.

"So… Mr. Ramier," Ladybug started cautiously. "Never pegged you to have more anger issues than Chloe. I mean, you've gotten akumatized _50 times in a week._"

"That has to be a record," Chat Noir added.

"Oh, I'm sorry, so so sorry. I'm absolutely ashamed. RRROOOO!" Mr. Ramier sulked. The sugar crash struck hard and the Akumas pounced on the sadness. The heroes frantically killed the insects as Ramier kept on moaning. "I tried dating for the first time in decades and this Nathalie woman, RROOO, she didn't care at all for birds. Their lovely feathers, their kind hearts, their disease-ridden beaks, she didn't care about any of it and I—"

"Maybe you should try dating a bird watcher?" Chat Noir suggested as he squashed a kaleidoscope of butterflies with a park bench.

Mr. Ramier gasped. Rapturous glee filled his narrow face. "A bird watcher? Of course! They'd share my love for pigeons! They'd understand! ROOOO!"

His happiness drove the swarm away like repellent. The heroes, at last, relaxed and sent the hopeful Mr. Ramier on his way to find love.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window stood open, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man who was quite proud of himself.

"There, 50 akumatizations is a fitting punishment for that bird-man's crime of not asking Nathalie on a second date," Hawkmoth said. "Now to mess with that Jean-butler-guy for standing Nathalie up." Just as he was shifting his focus and filling another butterfly with darkness, a spike of negative emotion erupted by the Louvre. The anger was more powerful than Mr. Ramier's, more powerful than Chloe's, more powerful than anything Hawkmoth had ever felt before.

"What?" he said, aghast. "What is this?"

_Back at the Louvre:_

"Last chance, Chat," Ladybug said as she lassoed a rooftop. "Are you going to use your words?"

He winked. "Let's just say—"

"Thought not. See ya."

_MALB!_

A green vortex tore open behind them! From its endless interdimensional depths leaped out a blue-skinned, hoodie-wearing, spray-can-armed man!

"Muahahaha! Finally, I'm here!" the villain sinisterly chuckled. "Fear me, Paris of the past, for your reckoning has come! I am Ti—"

"Hi, Timetagger," Ladybug said casually.

"Wh-What?!" Timetagger sputtered. "How the hell do you know who I am?!"

"You've been BLAMming around these past few weeks with the Pink Devil, fighting nonstop," Chat Noir said with a shrug. "We kinda noticed."

"Fools! The Pink Devil can't save you anymore! I AM THE SOLE MASTER OF TIME!" Timetagger tagged the ground with a spritz from his magical spray can and then fired another blast of paint at the distant prancing Mr. Ramier. The man was struck and he vanished with a _MALB_ into a green vortex.

Immediately, a great statue of a king spawned from the ground behind the heroes! Ladybug and Chat Noir recognized the face.

"Mr. Ramier?" Ladybug gasped.

"'Lord Ramier Featherbottom the Cruel,'" Chat Noir read the statue's plaque out loud. "'Brutal tyrant king of Medieval Paris who slaughtered millions and legalized marrying birds.'"

"Marrying birds?" Ladybug looked around her as the citizens of Paris fled in fear of Timetagger's attack. She suddenly noticed quite a few with birds on their shoulders. And those birds were wearing wedding rings. "Uh oh, Chat, he can send people through time and seriously mess up the timeline!"

Chat Noir gasped. "Oh my Big Red X! What should we do?!"

"I mean..." Ladybug shrugged. "I was just gonna punch him." She charged at Timetagger, fist raised! Just as she was about to strike, the Akuma vanished in a blur! Her fist hit the ground which split open and collapsed a third of the Louvre. "Oops."

Timetagger reappeared in another blur across the courtyard. "Time traveler, bitch," Timetagger bragged and then proceeded to breakdance. "You can't touch this. The adult Ladybug and Chat Noir in the future where I'm from couldn't lay a finger on me! You babies don't stand a chance!"

There was a pause.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" Ladybug roared at the top of her lungs as she slammed a car on top of Timetagger. He appeared in a blur a few feet away. "I'M STILL STUCK WITH THIS HELLISH JOB WHEN I GROW UP! I'M STILL STUCK WITH _HIM?!_" She jabbed a finger at Chat Noir who gave that jabbing finger a kiss.

Timetagger gulped at the murder in Ladybug's eyes. "Whoa, you're just as scary as a kid."

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

Hawkmoth was beyond excited. "A time-traveling Akuma? This is amazing!" He reached out to Timetagger. "Loyal slave from the future, it is I, your master Hawkmoth!"

Timetagger paused. "The old dumb Hawkmoth or the future smart Hawkmoth who overthrew the old dumb one?"

Hawkmoth paused. "What?"

"Never mind." Timetagger smiled deceptively. "You're definitely the Hawkmoth I'm loyal to, y'up."

"Phew." Hawkmoth wiped off some sweat. "Was worried there for a second."

At this point, Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses were beeping; they needed a chance to recharge.

"Quick! Into the museum," Ladybug ordered.

Timetagger aimed his spray can at the fleeing heroes and squeezed the trig—

"In thee name-eth of King Ramier XXXVI, I order thou to surrender-eth!"

Timetagger stiffened and turned around. The entire Parisian police force was there, led by Sir D'Argencourt and his great bastard sword. Over them hovered their regiment of trained attack pigeons. Officer Roger of the Royal Pigeon Guard straightened his many feather-shaped Medals of Honor and yelled into his beak-shaped megaphone, "Men, ROOOOOO!"

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the squadron cried and charged!

_Inside the museum:_

"Adults!" Ladybug ranted. "We still haven't beaten Hawkmoth even when we grow up!"

"I know!" Chat Noir agreed and happily hugged her. "We're going to be together forever and ever, M'Lady!"

"UGH!" Ladybug resisted the spirit of Lady Noire's urge to deepen the hug into a cuddle and instead shoved the cat-boy into a bathroom. She ducked into another. Both de-transformed and fed their kwamis.

"Adults!" Adrien gushed, beyond happy. "I get to be with Bugaboo for years and years while I'm dating her secret identity. Ooh! I can't wait for the reveal! How do you think I should let Kagami know I know who she is, Plagg?"

Plagg tried not to choke on his camembert. "Man, this just a suggestion, but maybe the reason why Ladybug isn't getting all your subtle hints is that she _isn't_ Kagami."

The wise words made the boy think for a moment. "Nah," he said. "You know Kagami, she isn't good with the whole indirect talking thing." He suddenly brightened. "Ooh! I know exactly which ladies man to talk to! My cousin Felix."

A cold wind howled through the bathroom stalls.

"Who?" Plagg asked, surprised that he could suddenly see his own breath.

"Felix," Adrien eagerly repeated. The windows rattled and the sky sang with the music of the creatures of the night. "He's so clever. He once helped me get over my fear of the dark by hogtying me and locking me in the trunk of a car. By the time the driver realized I was in there, I was in Dubai and no longer afraid of the dark. My cousin was kind enough to pose as me while I was gone so Father was never worried. If there's anyone who will know how to help, it's Felix."

Ghostly wails echoed around them.

When they stopped, Plagg cleared his throat and said loudly, "Felix."

The urinals iced over.

"This is not gonna end well," the kwami noted.

_In the other bathroom:_

"Even though I'm immortal and time is meaningless to me, knowing I'm stuck with you for several more years still feels like an eternity," Tikki grumbled through her macaron.

"The feeling's mutual," Marinette said. "We need to prevent this future. We need to somehow change the—" A smile abruptly crept onto her face.

"What?" Tikki asked, dreading what she would say.

"I just realized there's somebody in Paris with a time-traveling pocket watch."

"Oh no, Marinette, don't tell you're going to steal Alix's—"

"MuahahahahHAHAHAHAHA**(**_**HAHAHAHAHAAH!**_**)**"

"I'll take that as a yes."

_Back in the museum:_

After recharging, Ladybug and Chat Noir dashed back to the Louvre's lobby.

"So, what's the plan, LB?"

"It's a simple plan," Ladybug replied, sinisterly tapping her fingers together. "We just need to get our hands on—"

_BLAM!_

In a blue mini-nuclear explosion, young Alix appeared before them and skidded to a halt on her skates. "Whoa! What the—? Why am I here? I was just about to stop the Great Depression."

Ladybug did an excellent hungry crocodile impression. "Speak of the Pink Devil." She swooned like a prima donna. "Oh, Alix! You're just in time! Surely this is fate! We need your aid!"

Before Alix could point out that Ladybug had already used her one-time travel favor, her pocket watch glowed with bright blue light. "Crucible detected," the watch beeped. "Delivering message." The watch's cover popped open and a small holographic Victorian woman appeared. "Greetings, Ladybug and Chat Noir," the woman said. "If you are receiving this, someone means to steal me."

"What?!" Chat Noir and Alix gasped.

"Whaaat?" Ladybug also said but with much more guilt.

"Not only that, but my future Master has been captured. You must free her. She is being held in the—"

Ladybug shut the pocket watch. "Such a cryptic riddle," she said and took the device from Alix. "I'll have to hold on to this and decipher what your watch is trying to tell us later, Alix, and, you know, protect it from whoever is trying to steal it. Now, how do you drive this thing?"

The watch's covers popped again. "There is no riddle," the hologram said. "My future Master is here in the Louvre."

"That could mean anything," Ladybug quickly said, slamming the cover shut.

The hologram phased through her hand. "It means she is down the hall. She is imprisoned in the Ancient Egypt exhibit."

Ladybug messed with the watch's dial. "BLAM me out of here, dammit!"

Alix snatched the watch back with an unamused glare. "Yeah, I'm keeping this."

The trio made their way to the Egypt exhibit where Alix and Chat Noir looked carefully for the 'Future Master.' Ladybug harrumphed like a spoiled brat, leaning on an obelisk covered in hieroglyphs. "Come on, Alix, let me hold the watch for just a bit longer."

"Long enough for you to figure out how to time travel?" Alix sassed back.

"What?! No! Pfft! I'm not planning to go back in time to before Hawkmoth existed and stop this whole Akuma nightmare. Who said that? You're silly. Stop being silly, Alix. Give me the watch."

"But, Bugaboo," Chat Noir whimpered to her with watery eyes. "If you do that, then we'll have never met."

Lady Noire flared up at the sight and Ladybug barely resisted the urge to snuggle and comfort the sad kitty by headbutting the nearby obelisk. It cracked. It splintered. It crumbled to pieces to reveal a grown woman with familiar pink hair hidden inside.

Everybody stared.

The woman grumbled and stretched as if waking from a long slumber. "Mmm, no, mommy, I don't wanna go to school—" A yo-yo and a battle staff smacked the woman's face.

"MUMMY!" Ladybug and Chat Noir screamed. "KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"Someone say mummy?" Jalil burst in with a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

"No, wait, that's not a mummy!" Alix blocked their next attack.

"Aw man." Jalil sulked out.

Alix studied the stranger. She seemed familiar to her. They had the same hair, the same eyes, the same punkish style. She knew her from… somewhere. Alix's breath hitched and her voice became filled with hatred. "_You?_"

"Oh fuck." The stranger snapped awake and scrambled back. "No, no, no, keep your cool, Mini-Me—"

"YOU!" Alix roared, veins bulging. She leaped forward aiming her nails for the stranger's throat!

The stranger shoved her to the floor and held her there with a gold staff she grabbed from a sarcophagus. "Jeez, still not over him, huh?" she said. "Sorry about that, Baby Bug and Kitty Noir. Mini-Me blames her future-self for things not working out with Kim. She's so pissed that she doesn't care about the Touch-Yourself-And-The-Universe-Goes-Poof rule."

The heroes watched in disbelief. "Hold on, 'future-self?'" Ladybug said. "Are you—"

"Questions later!" the stranger interrupted dramatically. "First, I have to take a wicked piss."

_ Later: _

Ladybug and Chat Noir stood awkwardly outside the bathroom. The seemingly endless splashing stream had been going for five minutes straight now and showed no sign of stopping. "Oooh boy, that Ancient Egyptian beer goes right through me," the stranger grumbled through the wall.

"Get out here, you hag!" Alix banged on the door. "How dare you not be with Kim when I grow up!"

"You can do better than Kim, Mini-Me. It's your own damn fault for not telling the boy how you feel. You know what I'm talking about, right, Baby Bug?"

Ladybug floundered at the question. "I don't—I, uh—" She was saved by a courtesy flush.

"Excuse me, I'm still confused," Chat Noir said. "Who is this person?"

"That smoking-hot ten on the can is future-me who never asked out Kim, you dumbass!" Alix shouted.

"Ooooh, okay," Chat Noir nodded solemnly. "Hey, Future Alix, are me and Bugaboo banging each other in the future?"

"Totally," Adult Alix immediately answered to Ladybug's horror. "All the time, every day. It's like you're trying to make up for all the years you could've been banging when you were younger. I'm surprised you two have time to hero with all the banging you do."

Chat Noir wrapped an arm around the shellshocked Ladybug. "Sounds like the future is gonna be fun, LB," he purred.

"Anyways, introduction time! I am the Pink Devil, the greatest hero known throughout time and history."

_Ker-flush._

"I have single-handedly defeated armies, vanquished superpowered villains, undone the apocalypse more times than I can count!"

_Ker-flush._

"But my power is too great. I can just as easily destroy all life in the blink of an eye. That is why Ladybug only recruits me sparingly when the need is most dire—and when she's not trying to steal my pocket watch for herself."

Alix and Chat Noir frowned at Ladybug.

"Whaaat? Haha, I'd never do that," Ladybug lied.

_Ker-flush._ "I was supposed to stop Timetagger, but thanks to Chat Noir's Cataclysm my Miraculous got damaged and I was trapped in Ancient Egypt. Now, it's time to make things right." The Pink Devil finally came out, lit a match, and kept her younger self back with a plunger. "Mini-Me," she said to young Alix, "we need to trade watches."

"Like hell, old lady! You ain't getting merde until you bang Kim once! I at least deserve that!" Her older self knocked the pocket watch out of Alix's hands with a flick of the plunger. It tumbled through the air and landed in the adult's palm. As soon as the watch was in the Pink Devil's grip, it transformed in a flash of light! No longer was it silver, but a shocking blue! The hologram of the Victorian woman appeared.

"I am free!" she beeped. Her body morphed, becoming solid and white. From her head popped a pair of floppy bunny ears. Her arms and legs became disturbing nubs.

It was a kwami.

"Welcome home, Tikki," Fluff pleasantly said to Ladybug. "How goes the conquest of the human filth? Did you bring us any new spoils of the war?" She then leaned over and loudly whispered to the Pink Devil. "Psst, Sass, I think Tikki and Plagg are actually working with the filthy humans. We should kill them."

Ladybug and Chat Noir exchanged worried looks.

"Don't worry about Fluff," the Pink Devil assured. "She never says the right thing to the right person. Fluff, clockwise." In a blue mini-nuclear explosion, she transformed into a bunny-themed superhero with a parasol on her back!

Alix blinked rapidly and spun around in search. "Huh? What? Where did that homewrecker go?"

"Thank you, bullcrap magical masks." The Pink Devil tossed Alix the broken watch, chucked the plunger, and headed for the exit. "All right, Baby Bug and Kitty Noir, you're too young to handle Timetagger. Both of you stay here, I'll take care of this."

"Hey!" Chat Noir protested and tried to follow. Ladybug held him back.

"Let her go, Chat. She's faced much worse, remember? Like the murder hornets."

The Pink Devil stopped cold. "Murder hornets?" she whispered. Any trace of her cocksure bravery was gone. She whipped back around. "Did you say _murder hornets_? When are we?"

"It's Tuesday," Chat Noir happily informed her.

"Do I look like I give a fuck what day it is?!" She shook the boy. "YEAR! NOW!"

"2020, ma'am!"

"2020." The Pink Devil's eyes bugged out, she began to sweat rivers, and her floppy bunny ears stood on end. "The Final Year..."

Everyone could hear the capitalization.

"Uh… Final Year before what?" Chat Noir asked.

"The End."

"...of…?"

"EVERYTHING!" The Pink Devil bolted for the exit, drawing her parasol. Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Alix were close behind.

"Hey, whoa, what do you mean the end of everything?" Ladybug asked.

"The Universe is not very well designed," the Pink Devil said. "It's practically held together with tape and chewed gum. The whole thing nearly falls apart every two weeks, but 2020 has an apocalypse _every day_. Murder hornets, worldwide pandemics, the Bubonic plague makes a comeback, Beirut explodes, a gender reveal party torches California, China nukes our satellites, Chloe turns evil, my dad becomes a thrall of Cthulhu, Australia gets retroactively erased, and… _he_ happens." The Pink Devil swallowed the lump in her throat and glanced nervously at Chat Noir. Nobody noticed. "2020 is the year where everything goes to hell. Literally. A portal to hell is going to open over Times Square on New Year's Eve and consume half of America. AND I HAVE TO FIX ALL OF IT!"

"But you're from the future _after_ 2020," Ladybug reasoned. "Doesn't that mean none of those apocalypses…"

The heroine's words petered out as the group exited the Louvre. The sky was red like blood and the museum's courtyard was flooded with pigeon-themed soldiers attacking Timetagger with sacks of birdseed. A giant overpowered cyborg that looked remarkably like Fred Haprele, the school janitor, provided support. Velociraptors tap-danced backward up the street and every clock in Paris ticked in reverse. From the sidelines, Andre Glacier dressed like a pharaoh happily watched the chaos unfold from atop a great pyramid of ice cream.

"Ugh, I hate timepocalypses. They're so messy," the Pink Devil said. She traced a blue circle in the air and thrust it ahead of her with a punch. "Burrow!" A time portal ripped open and she jumped through, vanishing in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. She reappeared with a _BLAM _behind Timetagger and tackled him into another blue mini-nuclear explosion.

Then…

Nothing happened.

"Uh..." Chat Noir said in the uncomfortable silence. "Now what?"

The Royal Pigeon Guard, the velociraptors, Pharaoh Andre, and cyborg Fred Haprele all shrugged.

"I guess now the teleporting fight that's been happening across Paris for the past several months and most likely will continue for months after this moment… happens?"

"Boo!" chided Andre Glacier.

"What a scam!" Alix whined. "Not only did I lose my kickass time-traveling powers but we don't even get to see the fight?"

"We have to stay put, Alix," Chat Noir said. "We're too young for an Akuma that powerful, and we could seriously alter time if we interfere, right, M'Lady?" He turned to his partner but she wasn't there. "M'Lady?"

"What was that?" Ladybug called from the center of the courtyard. "I didn't hear you over me changing the past."

"LB! NO! DON'T!"

_BLAM!_

A blue mini-nuclear explosion erupted nearby and Ladybug grinned. She raced for the duo she'd watched wrestle for what felt like ages. "So long, Ladybug. Fuck off, Akumas. Burn in hell, conflicting feelings on which boy I like!" She latched onto the Pink Devil just before the next blue mini-nuclear explosion. "HAHA! Making tough choices can suck my cl—"

_BLAM!_

Ladybug was gone.

"Oh no..." Chat Noir whispered.

"What's wrong now, Cat Boy?" asked a pompous voice.

Chat Noir very slowly turned. Standing beside him was a new girl dressed in red polka-dotted spandex.

"Whatever it is, I, Chloe Bourgeois, a-k-a Bug Lady, the richest and most fabulous superhero the world has ever known, can handle it with ease. And if not, I'll pay someone to handle it."

"AAAAAAAH! Alix, I'm calling in my one time travel favor!" Chat Noir hid behind the smaller skater-girl. "Fix this! Fix this! Fix this! Fix this! Fix this! Fix this! Fix this! Fix this!"

"Uh, hello?" Alix waved her cracked pocket watch in his face. "This thing is busted, remember?"

"FIX THIS!" he cried and grabbed the watch. Something clicked and _BLAM!_ Alix and Chat Noir vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"Fine, you scaredy-cat," Bug Lady ranted at the empty air. "I'll give the Bee Miraculous to Dupain-Cheng again. She may have serious homicidal urges, but at least she doesn't run."

* * *

_Many, many, MANY years ago:_

_LBMA!_

In a glitchy blue mini-nuclear explosion, Chat Noir and Alix appeared in a white wasteland. The disturbingly endless flat empty plain stretched to the horizon. There were no mountains, no trees, no nothing.

"What is this? Where are we?" Chat Noir asked.

"Hold on, let me just check my not-broken time machine—Oh wait!" Alix smacked him. "How the hell should I know, dude? We could be anywhere, any_when!_ I don't even know if I can get this thing to BLAM us back hom—"

Chat Noir covered her mouth. "Shhh… Do you hear that?"

They both listened carefully. There was something. A voice? They turned toward it and saw a man furiously scratching the ground with something.

"Is that..." Chat Noir squinted. "Is that Thomas Astruc?"

It was! Thomas Astruc was kneeling a distance away from them. He appeared much thinner and less hairy. And he wasn't scratching the ground. He was using a pencil. One scribbles with one of those. A look of realization crossed Alix's face. She looked down at the white ground and saw it wasn't ground at all. It was...

"Canvas," Alix whispered. "This is the first draft. Run!"

"Run?"

"RUN!" She dragged him away as Astruc put the final touches on his first-ever character.

**"There. A friendly, plump, ice cream man."** Astruc nodded proudly at his work. **"I think I'll call you... Andre Glacier."**

At the utterance of the dark name, ice cream spewed forth from the sketch! The colorful sugary mass expanded, flooding the white desert like a tidal wave!

"What the hell is that?!" Chat Noir cried as they ran.

"The Ice Age!" Alix yelled back.

"The Ice Age was made of ice cream?"

"Yeah! What did you think it was made of? Ice?" She fiddled and twisted the cracked watch. The dairy destruction was gaining on them. Chat Noir dared to look back and spied the newly born Andre "The Ice Cream Man" Glacier laughing maniacally atop a peak of Murder By Chocolate. There was a sudden spark from the pocket watch. "I think I got it. Grab on!" Alix ordered.

Chat Noir took her hand and _LMBA!_ They vanished in another glitchy blue mini-nuclear explosion.

* * *

_A couple of centuries later:_

_ABML!_

Chat Noir and Alix tumbled out of another explosion. There was a brief moment of relief as they saw there wasn't a white wasteland anymore, but instead a lush jungle. Then they slammed face-first into a tree. It was a rather unique tree. It had more scales than bark. In fact, it had no bark at all. Actually it wasn't a tree. It was the leg of a motherfucking T-Rex.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" Chat Noir screamed like a little girl at the living king of dinosaurs that loomed over them.

The T-Rex bellowed back with a roar that shook the world!

"No, no, no!" a childlike voice admonished. A little blue kwami flew over and plucked a brooch shaped like a fan of peacock feathers off the T-Rex's chest. The dinosaur stared at the ground with shame. "It's 'Duusu, spread my feathers.' Say it with me. Spread."

"Raar," the T-Rex said.

"My."

"Rarrr."

"Feathers."

"Rarrarrrr."

"NO! UGH! This is never going to work! Get out of here, you hack!" With a flick of its arm nub, the kwami sent the trillion-times bigger beast to its room where it would cry and gorge on chocolate. Then the kwami's demonic sights landed on the humans. A hungry smile sprouted. "Oh, hello."

"Alix," Chat Noir said.

"I'm trying," she replied, slapping the watch.

"Plagg, is that you in that sack of meat, ol' buddy, ol' pal?" Duusu floated closer. "They can talk? They can say the words?"

"Alix!"

"I'm trying!"

"Oooh, they look like fun! They look like they can cure me of my _blues._ HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"ALIX!"

"I GOT IT!"

_MBAL!_

* * *

_A few more centuries later:_

_MLAB!_

Chat Noir and Alix dropped from the sky and faceplanted through the roof of what looked like an ancient Tibetan temple. Now stuck in the ceiling, the two teens could only watch as a congregation of monks bowed before a polka-dotted kwami.

"So I just sign here and all of the human filth surrenders to the kwami race?" Tikki asked, pointing at a mystical scroll.

The monks all nodded, suppressing their grins.

"Wow, this whole conquering the world thing was easier than I thought it would be." Tikki signed away. Immediately, the scroll shined with power! Tikki was siphoned against her will into a pair of earrings!

The monks erupted with applause.

"Ha! It worked!" the Head Monk laughed. "That kwami should've read the contract. She really fucked up. Alright, who wants what?" The monks proceeded to fight over the many Miraculouses.

Chat Noir blinked. "That's it?"

"That's it," Alix confirmed and fiddled with the watch again.

_ALBM!_

* * *

_In the far-flung future:_

_LABM!_

Chat Noir and Alix stumbled out of the mushroom cloud and landed at the foot of a throne inside a grand palace. On the throne sat a cyborg Lila Rossi!

"Lila?" Chat Noir gasped. "Did you lie your way to becoming Queen of Paris and cybernetically extend your life so you'd rule forever?" he asked j'accusingly.

"No," Lila lied. "Hey, can I borrow that time machine? I gotta use it to prevent a hurricane from launching the Amazon rainforest into space."

"Yes, Lila," Alix droned like a zombie. "All hail Lila—"

"NO!" Chat Noir wrenched away the watch and punched it several times until…

_MBAL!_

* * *

_In the Not So Distant Future, at the Louvre:_

_LABM!_

The unstable blue mini-nuclear explosion flung Chat Noir and Alix out violently. Thankfully, they landed in the superpowered arms of an angel. Chat Noir perked up as he recognized the rose fragrance of his rescuer.

"M'Lady!" he cheered and hugged Ladybug.

It took a moment, but he slowly realized something was off. He wasn't complaining, but since when were Ladybug's boobs this big? And since when were they at his head height?

"Mmm, I forgot how cute you were as a kid," said a silky voice that was much more mature than he anticipated. He craned his head back and gazed into a pair of heavenly bluebell eyes that gave him serious Miss Bustier vibes. All comprehensible thoughts evaporated. Never had he bear witness to such beauty. The goddess grabbed the golden bell over his throat and slowly unzipped his leather. "Here, you're going to need this later, kitty." Adult Ladybug tucked a polka-dotted note under his supersuit and zipped him back up with a playful growl.

"Yes, ma'am—I mean, thank you, ma'am—I mean, I have pockets—" He stuttered out and quickly covered his crotch.

"Oopsie, I think I broke him," Ladybug giggled.

"At least he can talk, Bugaboo." Adult Chat Noir stepped around her, with young Ladybug in his muscular python arms. She clung to his Adonis physique and drooled waterfalls over his bulging pecs. "Little-You hasn't said a word since I stopped her from erasing herself."

"Okay, enough of making this weird!" Alix cut in, waving her busted watch. "Do any of you spandex-fetishists know how to fix this thing?"

Adult Ladybug and Adult Chat Noir blinked at her.

"Have you tried calling Tech Support?" Adult Chat Noir suggested.

Alix stared. "There's a _Tech Support_?!"

"Sure," Adult Ladybug shrugged and took the watch. She twisted the dial in a specific pattern and gave it back. A time portal ripped open behind Alix. "Go in there and they'll fix it up for ya."

"Finally! Come on, guys." Alix turned to go but stopped when she didn't hear anyone follow. "Guys?"

Kitty Noir and Baby Bug were still hypnotized by their adult partners.

"Uh oh." Adult Ladybug bit her lower lip. "I think they wanna stay a while and have some _fun."_ She gave Chat Noir the sexiest eyebrow waggle and leaned so close that he could practically taste her perfume. "Is that it, kitty?"

"Yes, please," he said weakly.

Baby Bug could only nod.

"Nope." Alix grabbed the two and pulled them through the portal that vanished with a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"Damn it," Ladybug pouted. "I wanted that foursome."

"You are such a freak and I love it," Chat Noir purred and pulled her close. They fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs and spandex.

* * *

_Divide by zero:_

Nothing.

Perfect nothing.

At least there had been a white plain before the Ice (Cream) Age. Here, the trio of time travelers floated in absolutely nothing.

"What just happened?" Chat Noir whimpered.

"You nearly got seduced by a cougar who also happens to be grownup her," Alix informed, pointing at Ladybug. The heroine didn't say a word and instead stared hard into the emptiness with a red face. "I recommend serious therapy for both of you. Yo, where's Tech Support?" Alix called into the distance.

As if in response to her demand, there was a rumbling.

Something massive shook and trembled.

Then they heard the electric click of someone answering a phone call.

"**Time travel Tech Support. I am Huh,"** thundered a powerful voice from all directions.

"Huh?" said Alix.

"**Yes."**

"Who?"

"**Who is on first. I am Huh."**

"I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"**Huh."**

"Your name."

"**Huh."**

"What is your name?"

"**What is on second."**

"I'm not asking who is on second."

"**Who's on first."**

"I don't know!"

"**He's on third, we're not talking about him."**

"Huh?"

"**Present."**

"Who?"

"**On first."**

"What?"

"**On second."**

"Finish this fucking sentence! 'My name is…?'"

"**Huh."**

"Your name is… Huh?"

"**Correct. I am Huh, the Egyptian god of time. How may I help you?"**

Alix gave the heroes a bewildered look. Chat Noir shrugged. Ladybug continued to stare at the only thing in the nothingness, a rotted wooden door that looked like it used to have words on it but whatever those words said was forever lost, and silently wished to die.

"Okay, Mr. Huh." Alix raised the cracked watch. "Can you fix this?"

"**Not a problem."**

The watch levitated out of Alix's hands. Bright rays of what looked like sunlight struck the device and it began to radiate and heal. While the job was getting done, Chat Noir turned to Ladybug and knew they weren't alone. _IT_ was there with them just as _IT_ had been there in the aftermath of their first kiss. He braced himself and tried his best to put her at ease.

"So, you finally came on to me," he said, instantly regretting the word choice.

Ladybug said nothing.

"You grow up to be a very beautiful woman," he awkwardly added. "Not that you aren't beautiful now, but I—"

"You become hot too," Ladybug squeaked.

"..."

"..."

"Thanks," he squeaked back. Chat Noir cleared his throat and powered on. "Hey, you know, she wasn't really you. We become very different people when we grow up and there's nothing that says you have to become her."

That seemed to finally allow her to breathe. "I don't?"

"No, you're the one who decides who you become."

She finally looked at him and he saw a glimmer of hope. "So, I don't have to be Ladybug?"

Chat Noir opened his mouth, shut it, opened it again, looked over his shoulder to make sure this wasn't a prank, shut his mouth, opened his mouth, shut it again. "Wait. _That_ is what's bothering you? That you're Ladybug in the future? _Still?!_"

"Yes!"

"So not the..." He tried to imitate Adult Ladybug's suggestive eyebrow waggle.

"The what?" she asked, completely lost.

"Never mind." He took her hand. "Yes, you don't have to be Ladybug."

To his surprise, she didn't pull her hand away. She held onto him and squeezed. "Thank you," she said. "I needed to hear that."

A moment passed between them. The kind of moment that is hard to describe but always recognized. The kind of moment filled with warmth and bonding. The kind of moment Ladybug never thought she'd share with him.

"Whether you're a hero or not," Chat Noir promised, "you'll always be M'Lad—"

"Yeah, I don't care about that," she said flatly. "Tell me I don't have to be Ladybug again." She then noticed the scrap of red polka-dotted paper sticking out of his collar. "What's this?"

"Th-That? Oh, older-you left that there when she, uhhhhhh..." While he turned as red as her costume, Ladybug pulled out the note and unfolded it. Her eyes widened at the contents.

"Alix!" She whirled around. "We need to go back to where we started!"

The nothingness rumbled.

"**Your repair is complete. Thank you for using Huh."**

The pocket watch floated into Alix's hand. The fully repaired cover gleamed and sparkled, good as new. The trio gathered together and vanished with a _BLAM!_

"**Hey, before you guys go, you wanna stick around a while, play some board games? It's been kinda boring since the Big guy left."**

Nothing happened.

"**Hello? Anyone there? I've got Yahtzee."**

Nothing.

"**I'm so lonely."**

* * *

_In the present:_

Alix, Ladybug, and Chat Noir appeared in the Louvre's courtyard half a second after their previous selves vanished. The Royal Pigeon Guard, cyborg Fred Haprele, the tap-dancing velociraptors, and Pharaoh Andre Glacier were all there. There was no sign of Bug Lady.

Ladybug stepped forward, the note clenched tightly in her hand.

"Bugaboo, what's the plan?" Chat Noir asked.

"You'll see."

_BLAM!_

In another blue mini-nuclear explosion, Timetagger and the Pink Devil collapsed to the ground. Both were burned, cut, bruised, missing chunks of hair and teeth, bleeding from the mouth and their faces swollen with black eyes.

"We… have been fighting… for _two months,_" the Pink Devil panted.

"Is that… all you got?" Timetagger dragged himself to his sprained legs and shakily aimed his spray can at the woman. "Time to say bye-bye—"

"HAWKMOTH, HE'S LYING TO YOU!"

Ladybug's cry froze Timetagger on the spot.

Across Paris, Hawkmoth nearly choked on his popcorn. "Wha?"

The heroine jumped in front of the Akuma and waved the polka-dotted note in his face. "We just got back from the future! Timetagger doesn't work for you! He works for a future Hawkmoth who steals your power!"

"WHAT?!" Hawkmoth spat out the popcorn and tossed the bowl. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he looked directly into the villain's eyes. "IS THIS TRUE, TIMETAGGER?!"

"Y-You? Get overthrown?" Timetagger stuttered, unable to look back at the furious man. "Don't be ridiculous. The future Hawkmoth is and always will be you. You're amazing, Hawkmoth. Super evil! You never let the fact that you're a woman get in your way."

"WOMAN?!" Hawkmoth roared.

Timetagger went pale. "Uh… Gender is a spectrum…?"

Hawkmoth raised his hand.

"No!" Timetagger frantically blasted open a green portal and ran for it. "Nononononon—"

_Snap_ went Hawkmoth's fingers.

Timetagger was instantly swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into a regular man.

"Wow," Ladybug said. "That was kinda badass." She quickly de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The statue of King Ramier the Cruel disappeared and the actual Mr. Ramier took its place.

The Royal Pigeon Guard became the regular old police.

The cyborg Fred Haprele, Pharaoh Andre, tap-dancing velociraptors and all other symptoms of the timepocalypse went away.

"Nice work, Baby Bug, but I totally had it," the Pink Devil said as she painfully opened one last time portal. "Well, before I clean up 2020 and take care of… _him..._" she glanced with worry at Chat Noir again, "I need to get Chris back home."

Ladybug stiffened as she suddenly recognized the man who had been Timetagger. "Chris? Chris _Lahiffe_?"

"Yeah, wow, you guys are so small," Chris said.

"But-But-But you're 6 now and now you're 20?" Ladybug stammered.

"30, actually."

Ladybug began to tremble.

"Oh boy." Chat Noir ran to her and spoke sweetly. "Hey, hey, breathe. Only you decide who you become, remember?"

"I'M LADYBUG FOR THE NEXT _25 FUCKING YEARS?!_ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Gabriel slumped in his office chair, the betrayal overwhelming him. "A new Hawkmoth," he muttered. "I'm not Hawkmoth in the future. I… fail."

"Or maybe you succeeded and gave the Miraculous away, sir," Nathalie suggested from her gurney.

"Nope," Nooroo informed them with sadistic delight. "If he ain't Hawkmoth, that means he's dead."

"Unless you tempt fate, of course," Duusu added. "But even _I'm_ not crazy enough to play with that pervert. Come on, everyone, we got a party to plan! What kind of funeral do you want, Gabe? Lots of gold and silk? Or maybe a lot of butterflies! HAHAH!"

"NO!" Gabriel pounded his fist on the desk. "The future's not set in stone. We must prepare for this coup. We must stop this future Hawkmoth."

"But how?" Nathalie asked.

"By finding _her_. We already know she's a woman. Now we just need to find one who has aspirations of power and conquest." He squinted suspiciously at Fuu and Ape-Man as they passed by.

"Sir, they're men."

"Did you check?"

Nathalie stared at him. "You mean did I _check_ check? No."

"Don't assume other people's gender, Nathalie. That's rude. He or she or they is on the list."

* * *

_Later, on a bridge:_

Ladybug and Chat Noir were eating ice cream with Mr. Ramier after his 51st akumatization of the week.

"Rrroooo," Mr. Ramier sighed morosely. "Evidently watching birds as a hobby doesn't mean they're _into_ birds."

"25 years, 25 years, 25 years," Ladybug repeated over and over with a haunted face.

"You know what will make the time fly by, LB?" Chat noir asked knowingly. "One of our classic _duels to first blood._"

The '25 years' stopped and Ladybug slowly gazed at the boy. "Are you offering to let me punch you?"

Chat Noir immediately knew he had made a terrible mistake. He ran.

"COME BACK HERE, PUNCHING BAG! I NEED TO VENT!" Ladybug roared as she gave chase.

Now alone, Mr. Ramier heaved a sad Rrrooooo and tossed the rest of his ice cream. The abandoned treat drew the attention of a… rat.

"Greetings, human," the rat said as it dined. "I am Sir Squeakers of the noble House Gouda. I thank you for your generosity. Surely I would have perished from hunger without this meal."

Mr. Ramier gasped. "Oh my goodness, look at you! You're so adorable! Even cuter than pigeons!"

The bird on Mr. Ramier's shoulder stiffened and tweeted at the man.

"Fuck off, old news!" the man swatted the pigeon away and scooped Sir Squeakers into his hands. "I have a new love."

"In keeping with the code of chivalry, I dedicate my blade to you and your generous heart." Sir Squeakers unsheathed a sharp sewing needle and held it aloft it like a sword. The rat knighted Mr. Ramier's thumb. "From this day forth, you are under the protection of House Gouda."

"You are just the cutest!" Mr. Ramier cooed, petting the rat. "SQUEEEAAAAK!"

* * *

_Later, at the Cesaire Apartment:_

"You got it, Mr. Agreste," Lila Rossi said into her phone. "I'll keep my eyes peeled for this future Hawkmoth."

"Good, intern," Mr. Agreste said. "We need all hands on deck for this."

"Just out of curiosity…" Lila smiled slyly, "how exactly did this future Hawkmoth take over?"

"I don't know the details, but I can only assume they gained my trust somehow by sowing seeds of deceit, and then they took control when I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, sounds like me."

"What was that?"

"I said, I gotta go, boss. I'm babysitting for a friend." She hung up just as Alya was heading for the door with a lady on each arm.

"Thanks again for watching the kids, Lila," Alya said. "Me and my new friends are gonna _see a movie_, if you know what I mean."

"Of course, Alya," Lila gushed. "I'm happy to cover for Marinette. It's such a shame Marinette has almost no time for the ones who are supposed to be her friends. She's such a flake, always bailing, so… _untrustworthy._"

"Yes, Lila," Alya droned like a zombie. "Marinette is not worthy of my trust. I can only trust you. All hail Lila. Praise be to Lila."

Yet another indoctrinated soldier for Lila's next big plan was primed. As soon as Alya was gone, Lila turned to young Chris and the Cesaire twins. "Who wants to play _Freestyle Clash 2_ and scream the n-word?"

"We do!" the children cheered.

END

_We're almost there..._


	34. 30 Mendeleiev the Science Gal

_Science rules._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_YOU DON'T NEED A WAR! THE SPACE STORY AND THE RIVALRY IS PLENTY!_

_{Oh... okay... uh... The frog and squirrel worked really, really hard...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 30: Mendeleiev the Science Gal  
_By: I Write Big

Magic is real.

Just straight up. It's real. Everyone in Paris, in France, on Earth knows this. How? Because they live in a world of _magically_-powered superheroes and recently the entire globe's population _magically_ remembered the long-running generations of _magically_-powered superheroes across the planet's history of _magic_.

Magic is real.

What people scoff at in this world is science.

"'Can science explain how Chat Noir's Cataclysm works?'" Miss Mendeleiev mockingly repeated Principal Damocles' ridiculous question as she labored. "What inferior intellect! Science can explain anything! I'll show them! I'll show them all the power of science!"

Miss Mendeleiev put the last scientific strip of tape in place. The GoPro was now tucked in the corner, already recording. With a mad grin, she uncovered a plate of especially smelly cheese on her desk and hid, scientifically, behind the door with a butterfly net of science. She could barely contain her scientific glee as she watched the bait. Soon she would prove them all wrong. Soon she would be respected. Soon science would be available as a class again and she'd have a fucking job!

SOON!

"Whatcha doing?" Plagg asked, suddenly at Miss Mendeleiev's side.

The scientist shushed the kwami. "Keep it down or you'll scare the creatures."

"Creatures?" Tikki asked, also at her side.

"Yes, I believe I've discovered a new rare species of insect. Vibrantly colored, seemingly able to fly without wings, and have a unique hunger for human foods. The one I'm trying to catch and present to the world has a taste for cheese."

The kwamis nodded in fascination and eagerly watched the trap.

It took a moment, but Miss Mendeleiev's eyes eventually shot open and she stared down at the kwamis. "SCIENCE!" she proclaimed and slammed the butterfly net on them. "HAHA! I've done it! I've captured the—"

Tikki and Plagg phased through the net like it wasn't there.

"Babe, call me crazy, but I think she's after us," Plagg said.

"No shit," Tikki shot back.

"Which means that delicious cheese is for me!" Plagg flew over and began to chow down.

The failure didn't deter Miss Mendeleiev. She activated the butterfly net's batteries and raised the now electrified net over her—

"Do I really look like a _bug_ to you?" Tikki glared at the teacher with her dead bulbous eyes. A level of fear the woman had never felt overtook her and she began to tremble. The thing smiled at her, but it wasn't a happy smile. "Can a _bug_ do this?"

Tikki ripped the door off its hinges and whipped the thick metal through the room! Desks were crushed on impact! The door kept going out the window and embedded itself in a car!

The butterfly net dropped from Miss Mendeleiev's grip and she slowly backed out of the room.

Tikki didn't stop her. Strangely, she puked a little ball of fire into her arm nub. Miss Mendeleiev only then heard the hiss of gas leaking from the desks' mangled bunsen burners.

"No—" she managed to say.

"Science this, motherfucker." Tikki tossed the flame over her shoulder.

_Meanwhile, across the city:_

Fire Chief Cobra Commander toweled the sweat from his reflective mask. "Ahhh, another fire vanquished. Good work, men. Let's get wasted—"

_BOOOM!_

A pillar of fire erupted on the horizon.

"COBRA!"

_Back at the school:_

The backdraft threw Miss Mendeleiev off her feet and launched her down the hall. She was covered with soot and her purple hair was now a black afro.

"My lab!" she cried between coughs and crawled back to the doorway.

The room was nothing but a crater. All of her scientific equipment, all of her research was gone.

_Thunk!_

Something had fallen to the floor. Miss Mendeleiev grinned. It was the GoPro. Scratched and dented, but still recording.

"Science wins!"

* * *

_Later that night, at Marinette's:_

Marinette was listing believable lies in her diary on how to _advise_ Kagami that girlfriends don't hold their boyfriend's hand, or talk to them, or even go near. Then an odd thought came to her. "Tikki, did you notice anything strange about that fire in school today?"

Tikki finished carving today's tally into the wall. By Marinette's estimate, there were over 350 scratches over her bed, one for every day stranded in this perpetual Akuma hell. The kwami sneered at her. "You really want me to answer that?"

"I mean..." Marinette suddenly wasn't sure if she did. She gulped. "If we're gonna be working together, we should have some level of honesty…?"

Tikki floated closer, the sneer evolving into an ugly scowl. "Honesty? Really? I existed long before humanity crawled out of the putrid primordial ooze. I've done unspeakable things, things that would make Genghis Khan, Stalin, and Hitler look like girl scouts. Do you really want _me_ to be _honest_?"

Marinette said nothing. She hid under her blanket.

"Good choice," Tikki said and assumed her nightly post of staring murderously at the girl while she slept.

* * *

_The next day, at school:_

Marinette and her class stood in the smoky remains of the science lab.

"I know this is normally your Science class, and by Science class, I mean free period where you get to play with lab equipment to further explore the world of magic," Principal Damocles said to them. "But as you can see, we need time to repair. Instead, today you'll be learning about the follies of science by watching Miss Mendeleiev make an ass out of herself on live TV."

The class applauded and ran to the library.

On the Librarian's giant plasma screen, they saw the title card of _Science is Bullshit!_

"Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to _Science is Bullshit!_ The only show dedicated to showing how magic explains things much better than dumb science," French Ryan Seacrest said to the camera. "Let's welcome our final victim: a teacher of the now-defunct study of science, Miss Mendeleiev."

The camera panned to the enraged woman. "Why am I here?! I demanded an audience with the Board of Scientific Review!"

"Sorry, that was disbanded after magic was revealed to be real," French Ryan Seacrest happily explained. "This is the best you're gonna get. Let's meet our panel of unqualified judges who will decide her fate. Give a hand to Professor of Musical Theory, Dr. Mr. XY."

"The fact that a hologram can possess sentience is a clear indicator of magic," XY beeped to the camera.

"Infamous anti-hero and respected Botanist, Dr. The Banana!"

As soon as the camera showed the yellow costumed mystery-person silently nod to the camera, Adrien jumped. It was the same exact costume he had found in the hallway closet not too long ago.

"And, because science means nothing anymore and we're just giving PhDs to anyone who needs a napkin, fully accredited Volcanologist and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Dr. Manon Chamak!"

"E equals MC cubed!" young Manon proclaimed and set the set on fire.

"Oh wow," Marinette said. "It feels like forever since I wanted to kill that kid."

"The floor is yours, Miss Mendeleiev." French Ryan Seacrest stepped aside.

"How can a gameshow decide what is scientifically accurate?!" the woman grumbled. But she managed to compose herself and address the _judges_. "I am here to present my scientific findings—"

"Boo science!" Dr. Manon said.

"—that prove the existence of interdimensional creatures who possess incredible powers, can move through solid matter, and seem to be attracted to aged cheese," Miss Mendeleiev managed to finish.

The panel of judges stared at her.

"That sounds like magic," Dr. Manon said.

"IT'S SCIENCE, DAMMIT! EVERYTHING IS SCIENCE! HOW DO YOU THINK THE EQUIPMENT THAT ALLOWS THIS SHOW TO BROADCAST WORKS?!"

"Magic," all the judges said.

"By Schrodinger's cat," Miss Mendeleiev swore. She pointed her remote at the screen between them and played the video. "Behold, neanderthals! Science!"

On the screen, everyone watched the pre-recorded Miss Mendeleiev flounder about the lab with her butterfly net. Everyone gasped as the door ripped itself off its hinges and flung itself out the window. Everyone double-gasped as the cheese on a table appeared to eat itself. Everyone triple-gasped as a ball of fire apparated out of thin air and exploded.

"Ha! I can see I have your attention now," Miss Mendeleiev boasted. "Yes, whatever these creatures are, they have some sort of natural camouflage that prevents them from being recorded by cameras."

In the library, Adrien was getting nervous. Marinette was getting excited.

"As such, I have provided these visual illustrations of their appearances." Miss Mendeleiev held up drawings of Tikki and Plagg.

Adrien started to panic. Marinette started to smile.

"It appears their camouflage doesn't extend to audio. I managed to record their mating calls." Miss Mendeleiev pressed another button and everyone heard a pair of child-like voices.

"Jeez, babe, did you really have to blast that lab? The human couldn't hurt us."

"She called me a bug, Plagg. _A bug! _I'm not a bug! I'm a kwami! I'm the mystical incarnation of the metaphysical concept of Creation and I demand respect!"

"Mmm, I'll give you all the respect you want, babe."

Miss Mendeleiev paused the audio. "They then proceed to breed for the next forty-five minutes." She did a scientific mic drop with her remote and asked with a smug grin, "Questions?"

There were millions of questions but none could be vocalized because the judges' jaws were on the floor. French Ryan Seacrest was the first to recover.

"Miss Mendeleiev, we must apologize," he said. "You've obviously made an amazing discovery."

"You're damn right," she agreed.

"Who knew that our world was secretly home to such magical beings?"

"MAGIC?!" Miss Mendeleiev flipped her podium. "This is science, you bastard!"

"Science?" Dr. Mr. XY flickered. "I thought it was quite obvious that you'd discovered the magical sources of Ladybug and Chat Noir's powers."

"And they can burn things!" Dr. Manon happily added. "Sounds like magic to me."

Dr. The Banana nodded.

"THEY'RE NOT MAGIC!" Miss Mendeleiev roared.

_In the school:_

Adrien and Marinette quietly slipped out of the library and snuck their way to the bathrooms.

"Oh noooo," Marinette said, flashing a huge smile. "What a disaster! Things have gotten out of control! Oy vey, I say, oy vey indeed!"

"Why are you doing that annoying fake panic thing that I hate?" Tikki asked firmly.

"Panicking?" Marinette's smile got wider. "Why would I be panicking? I can't quit being Ladybug but I'd have no choice but to give up the Miraculous like Chloe if say… Chat Noir and I discovered each other's secret identities."

Tikki wasn't impressed. "Uh, why? You already know the secret identities of Rena Rouge, Carapace, Ryuko, Pegasus, and Monkey King. You only got rid of Queen Bee because you didn't want to admit you forgot she existed. How would adding Chat Noir to that list change anything?"

Marinette kept rambling. "And wouldn't you know it, because of today's shenanigans, I know Plagg was here with you the other day, which can only mean that Chat Noir goes to this school."

"Hello! Knowing who Chat Noir is won't change anything." Tikki sighed. "Nope, she's not listening to me again."

_Back in the Library:_

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's decision time!" French Ryan Seacrest announced to the camera. He motioned to the three contestants. "First, we have Jalil Kubdel who hypothesized that the Pyramids of Giza are actually alien spaceships that were abandoned here after they ran out of gas."

_Meanwhile, hundreds of lightyears away:_

Ra spat out His soda. He pointed at His interstellar TV which showed the great pyramids. "**Dude! My car!"**

_In the show:_

All three judges flashed green lights!

"It has been decided!" French Ryan Seacrest proclaimed and rang the gong of science. _BWOM!_ "This is the new fact! Change the history books!" All texts and research on the pyramids were burned in a pyre.

"Yes! Validation!" Jalil cried with joy. "Do you love me now, dad?!"

"Next we have a professional celebrity stalker and convicted felon out on probation: Vincent!" French Ryan Seacrest introduced.

"I swear I won't go near Jagged Stone," Vincent said. No one was convinced.

"He theorized that snow is in fact boogers that fall from a giant who lives in the clouds."

_In the clouds:_

The sky giant stopped picking his nose and did a double-take at his TV. "Oh fuck! They know!"

_On the show:_

Two of the three judges flashed green lights.

"It has been decided!" _BWOM!_ "There is no such thing as the Water Cycle! Our winters are but a snot-filled wasteland!"

"For my next scientific endeavor, I shall prove that I should be near Jagged Stone at all times," Vincent droned.

"And finally, we have Miss Mendeleiev and her irrefutable proof on the existence of magical creatures."

"NO!" Miss Mendeleiev shook the host. "They're not magic! Science! This is about _science_!"

All three judges flashed green lights.

"It has been decided!" _BWOM!_ "Magical creatures that are straight out of fairy tales exist! Congratulations, Miss Mendeleiev, we hereby declare you France's official tracker of magical beasts!"

To Miss Mendeleiev's horror, she was wrapped in a witch's robe and topped with a pointed witch's hat. A broomstick carved with mystical runes and a really good chicken soup recipe was thrust into her arms. A pair of owls carrying a long scroll that told the people her new title in the world of magic flapped over her head.

"No! Stop!" she wailed. "This isn't science! _This isn't science!_"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man having his first good idea in ages.

"Oh. Oh! OOOOOH!" Hawkmoth did a little happy dance. "Yes! Of course! Why didn't I think of it before? An Akuma with the power to steal and contain kwamis! This is the perfect way to get rid of Duusu! MuahahahahaHAHAAHAHAHA—"

"You call my name?" Duusu asked, poking its head through the ceiling.

Hawkmoth froze mid-laugh. He quickly recovered. "Duusu! Hey, buddy, how would you like to take a field trip to the local TV station and see how your favorite shows get made?"

"Ooh, that sounds like fun! I'll go tell Nat." Duusu clapped and flew out.

Hawkmoth filled a butterfly with darkness and sent it off. Across the city the dark messenger flew until it found Miss Mendeleiev growling over a boiling cauldron in her new federally-appointed potions lab. The insect shattered on her GoPro. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Alright, here's the plan," Hawkmoth eagerly instructed. "I'm giving you the power to capture and contain all the kwamis you want. I'm coming over and you're gonna capture the blue one named Duusu. Okay?"

"It shall be done, Hawkmoth," Miss Mendeleiev cackled. "I shall show them all! Soon I shall be the greatest scientist the world has ever known! HAHAHAAHAH!"

"And Nathalie will be free! HAHAHAAHAHA!"

Miss Mendeleiev was swallowed by bubbling darkness.

* * *

_With Adrien:_

"So, for the fifteenth time," Plagg said with an astronomical amount of frustration, "my babe and I messed up and got recorded in your school. This implies..."

Adrien thought long and hard. "...it implies Ladybug goes to this school?"

"Good!" Plagg finally breathed easy again. "That was only slightly painful."

"But..." Adrien narrowed his eyes. "But… Kagami doesn't go to this school."

"He can think! It's a miracle!" Plagg cheered. "Keep going."

Adrien kept thinking and thunking and thoughting and—HE GASPED! "Kagami must've secretly came here to surprise me! D'awww, she's the best. I should take her to dinner to thank her."

Plagg stared at him. "I'm beginning to think you're actively avoiding the truth, man."

Adrien gasped again! "Plagg, I just realized something."

"I seriously doubt that."

"If Ladybug finds out that I know she's Kagami, then she'll have to give up her Miraculous just like Chloe! I can't let this happen!"

Adrien made a dramatic pose of determination, ready to protect his Lady's/girlfriend's secret at all costs. Plagg watched and wondered how one human was able to absolutely destroy his go-with-the-flow way of life.

_Down the hall:_

Marinette marched out of the girl's room, ready to expose herself. Not that way, you pervert. "Chat Noir is one of the boys in this school," she maddeningly said to herself. "I just need to figure out which one and this nightmare will be over!"

Her phone rumbled. It was an Akuma alert.

"Perfect," Marinette snickered. She ducked back into the bathroom, transformed, and swung off.

* * *

_Meanwhile, atop the TV Station:_

A steampunk ghostbuster stood on the roof's edge. It was Kwamibuster! The villain placed a gloved hand on the cartoonishly large safe next to her.

"Please, let me out!" French Ryan Seacrest begged from within. "Where did you even find this thing?!"

"Summoning massive safes from nowhere is one of my scientific abilities," Kwamibuster boasted.

There was a pause.

"You mean magical power?"

"NO! Science! This is science!" A pair of butterfly sunglasses appeared on Kwamibuster's face. "Shall I prove the theory of gravity, Hawkmoth?"

_In the Agreste limo:_

"Yeah, sure, go ahead. Just don't leave before we get there," Hawkmoth told her. "We'll be there soon, just ran into some traffic."

"This is so boring," Duusu whined atop Nathalie's unconscious body in the backseat. "Lemme transform Nat and we can fly there."

"No, no more transforming Nathalie." Hawkmoth honked the limo's horn at a car that rudely cut him off. "Dammit! Why did Ape-Man have to take the day off?" he grumbled.

_Back with the Akuma:_

"SCIENCE!" Kwamibuster proclaimed and shoved the safe over the edge! French Ryan Seacrest bellowed as he fell to his doom! At the last possible second, a yo-yo lassoed the chunk of metal and wrenched it back onto the roof next to Ladybug.

"Ha! Saved him," she bragged.

"You sure about that?" Kwamibuster asked smugly.

The safe door popped open and French Ryan Seacrest tumbled out, an accordion of broken arms and legs.

"Ha! Inertia, bitch! SCIENCE!" Kwamibuster proclaimed.

"You may have science," Chat Noir snarked as he landed on the safe. "But we have M'Lady and her beauty defies the laws of science."

Ladybug cringed as her heart melted slightly but she managed to keep it together. "Stay back… _IVAN!_" She squinted at Chat Noir, searching for a flicker of recognition.

Chat Noir simply stared back at her, confused. "Ivan?"

"Sorry, misspoke," she claimed, getting into a pushing position behind the cat-boy. "Be very _very_ careful... _NATHANIEL!_"

Another suspicious squint.

"What's happening here?" Chat Noir asked.

Kwamibuster shrugged, just as lost.

"I'm just trying to warn you... _MAX!_" Suspicious squint. "That Kwamibuster has a magical ray that can take our kwamis"

"IT'S NOT MAGIC!" Kwamibuster aimed her _scientific_ proton pack at the duo and opened fire. _ZWAAAP!_

Ladybug shoved Chat Noir in the path of the ray!

But wouldn't you know, that push was too strong and he tumbled past the ray's reach.

"Fuck!" Ladybug swore. "I'll just have to do this myself." She jumped in front of Kwamibuster and spread her arms wide. "Hit me!"

"SCIENCE!" _ZWAAAP!_

The ray headed straight for Ladybug! It impossibly bent around her.

"Ugh! Come on! I hate my Ultimate Luck!" Ladybug tried diving onto the ray, but the magical light warped into a Ladybug-shaped hole and she belly-flopped through untouched.

"How is this possible?!" Kwamibuster roared. "Light doesn't bend that way without outside interference! This isn't scientifically accurate!"

"That's because it's magic!" Chat Noir cried defiantly, delivering a kick to the Akuma's jaw. The villain flew across the roof and crashed into a billboard. She didn't get up. "Wow," Chat Noir said, stunned. "Did I just... win?"

"Nope!" Kwamibuster suddenly popped up and fired her ray! _ZWAAAP!_

On instinct, Chat Noir spun his battle staff into an impenetrable shield! The ray bounced off and struck Ladybug!

"Yes, finally!" the heroine cheered.

"No! Bugaboo!" Chat Noir shouted.

"Freedom!" Tikki huzzahed as she was siphoned from the Miraculous Earrings and into Kwamibuster's proton pack. The kwami laughed and laughed at their success. "We did it! We actually did it! We…" She looked around at her cramped new jail cell. "We didn't think this through."

Ladybug cackled in victory as her spandex began to vanish in a flourish of red. "This is it! Look at me, everyone! I am—"

"LB!"

A whir of black leather grabbed her and carried the girl quickly behind some air conditioner units. The last speck of red was gone and there stood Marinette Dupain-Cheng!

"Oh, what a travesty," she said, the polar opposite of worried. "My secret identity has been revealed."

"No, it hasn't, M'Lady," Chat Noir said confidently. She turned to the boy and saw he had blindfolded himself with his belt-tail. "I got you out of sight before Kwamibuster saw. You need to go and get help—"

"LOOK AT ME, YOU FUCKER!" Marinette tried to wrench off Chat Noir's belt but the still super-powered boy easily pried her hands off.

"I can't, Bugaboo." He spoke gently in an attempt to calm her. "Don't you understand? If I know who you are, then you'll have to give up your Miraculous, like Chloe." He pulled her into a hug. "I'm not going to lose you like that, LB. I love you too much."

Marinette wanted to protest. She wanted to kick him in the groin, rip off his blindfold, and get out of being Ladybug! But she couldn't. Something had happened. A unique set of circumstances that had never occurred before. Up until this point, Ladybug's magical powers had unknowingly dampened the effect of Chat Noir's affection on her, and the boy, in turn, had restrained himself while in the presence of his Number One Fan. This was the first time that Chat Noir had shown Marinette Dupain-Cheng the outpouring of love he'd reserve for Ladybug.

It ran her over like a stampede of wildebeests.

She was not ready.

His words were so sincere, his hold so kind, and his purrs so soothing. Her heart liquified, her entire face caught fire, and Lady Noire whispered into her ear, _You know, if you stop being Ladybug, you'll never feel this ever again_.

And what feeling did she mean? Well… it was like internal bleeding except... nice.

He felt her tremble. "M'Lady, are you okay?"

"This was a mistake!" Marinette squeaked, shoving Chat Noir away so she wouldn't smash her lips against his and never let go. "I need Tikki back! I need her back! I'mma go get help!" She scrambled through the nearby roof exit and tripped down the stairs.

* * *

_Later, on the ground floor:_

Marinette, bruised, beaten, and still blushing, stumbled out of the TV Station and booked it for the Agreste Mansion. As soon as she turned the corner, the Agreste limo pulled up to the front door. Out stepped the one and only…

"IT'S HAWKMOTH!" a pedestrian screamed.

Dozens of cops popped out of the bushes and aimed their guns.

"Nononononononono!" Hawkmoth quickly said. "I'm not the real Hawkmoth. I'm, uh, fuck, what do the kids call it? I'm a… cause-playa?"

Nobody moved.

"And this is my pet miniature peacock," Hawkmoth added.

"Tweet," Duusu said.

After a tense moment, the cops shrugged and returned to their bushes.

"Phew, that was close. Well, here we are!" Hawkmoth said, pulling Nathalie from the backseat and strapping her to the gurney. "You ready for the tour, Duusu?"

"I sure am! Hey, what's going on up there?" Duusu pointed to the roof where rays of light shot off in random directions.

"Oh, they're probably filming an action movie. We should go see."

"Eh," Duusu shrugged. "I prefer comedies."

"It's an action-comedy! Now let's go!"

_On the roof:_

"LB? Bugaboo? M'Lady?" Chat Noir called out, still blindfolded. He Mr. Magoo'd his way across the arm of a construction crane on the roof, a misplaced foot away from death. "Have you escaped? Can I open my eyes yet? Why does it feel like I'm walking on the edge of a cliff? Marco? Marco?"

_ZWAAAP!_

Yet another ray barely missed the boy as he flailed around in a near loss of balance, enraging Kwamibuster. "By Pavlov's dogs! How am I not hitting him?!" The Akuma marched right up to the sightless fool and pressed the blaster to the back of his head.

"Ooh, a penny!" Chat Noir bent over to pick it up. _ZWAAAP!_ Another missed shot. "Wow, how did I see that with a blindfold on? Anyways, Marco? Marco?"

Kwamibuster barely contained her fury and approached the situation as scientifically as possible. "Polo!" she said.

"Bugaboo!" He whipped around happily.

_ZWAAAP!_

The ray struck home and Chat Noir felt the power being drained from him. He could do nothing as Plagg was siphoned from his Miraculous Ring and dragged into Kwamibuster's pack. The cat-boy finally fell off the edge as his leather vanished. Adrien Agreste tumbled through the open roof exit and down the stairs before Kwamibuster caught sight of him.

In the proton pack, Plagg was chucked into the prison. "Whoa, trippy, man. Not how I usually like to get sucked off. Don't worry, babe, I'll get us out of here. Catac—"

Plagg only then noticed that Tikki wasn't panicking or scratching at the walls or begging for freedom. Instead, she was sipping a Mai Tai, lounging on a sunbathing chair next to an open bar.

"Something tells me you want to be here, babe."

"Shhh, do you hear that?" Tikki asked. Plagg didn't hear anything. "It's the sound of me not having to deal with that insane—BLLLBLLBLLB—anymore. Let's just stay here and not give a fuck."

Plagg shrugged, got himself a wedge of cheese from the bar, and joined her. "You know, babe, there's still a chance that they can save us."

Tikki stared at Plagg.

Plagg stared at Tikki.

They both burst into laughter. They laughed and laughed so hard that they spilled their drinks.

"Hoo boy, haha," Plagg eventually said. "I can't believe I said that."

"Yeah, they're just two humans," Tikki scoffed. "What is—BLLLBLBLBL—gonna do? Raise an army of kwamis?"

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Agreste Mansion:_

"I NEED AN ARMY OF KWAMIS!" Marinette screamed as she smashed through the window of the Agreste Mansion Spa.

Fu calmly opened his tanning booth and lifted one of the cucumber slices from his mud-masked face. "Come again?"

"Too much!" the girl madly declared. "Chat Noir is too much! I can't be near him without a kwami! _Kwamis! _Yes, why settle for one? The more I have the less I'll feel! Of course! It makes perfect sense!" She yanked him out of the booth. "Where's the Box?"

"Uh, Marinette, me no think this good idea—"

"WHERE?!"

The other cucumber slice slid off Fu's face and he shakily pointed at the nearby pile of satin towels. She dropped the old man and pounced on the Box.

"Wait! Marinette, stop!" Fu pleaded. "Many Miraculous dangerous! Such power drive humans crazy!"

The Box opened and Marinette stopped. Slowly, her head craned backward until she was smiling upsidedown at Fu with her demonic eyes, as blue as night and as red as blood. _**("Do I look sane to you?")**_ The Beast asked with an inhuman chuckle.

Wayzz popped over Fu's shoulder and said what they were both thinking. "Oh. Duusu got into her head. Fuck." There was a pause. "You should hide."

Fu silently agreed and the man ducked into the bathhouse while Marinette donned every Miraculous in the Box. She could feel the magic coursing through her body, pulsing through her veins, amplifying with each new piece of jewelry. All around her multiple balls of variously colored light spawned and the room was filled with a cacophony of random noises. Thundering hooves! Drums of war! Screeching monkeys! BLAMming blue mini-nuclear explosions! It all barely registered in the back of Marinette's mind as she was consumed by magic!

"Yes… Yes! I can feel the magic numbing Chat Noir's touch! I can feel it! I… can't move."

Marinette's limbs suddenly became too heavy and she collapsed to the floor. Then everything went dark.

"Hey, everybody!" Wayzz greeted with a forced smile. "So glad to see you all."

"Hi, Duusu," Fluff said to the unconscious drooling body. "I like what you did with your human."

"That'z not Duuzu, Fluff," Pollen buzzed. "That'z Tikki'z zlave. But where iz Tikki?"

"Wherever she isss I'm sssure she'sss doing a wonderful job," Sass said, playing with his rubber band ball.

"Bakaaaw!" clucked the one that looked like a rooster.

"That's right, Orikko," Trixx eagerly concurred. "If we're all here, then the war has been won! I can't wait to hunt down the stragglers!"

All the kwamis stared at the unmoving girl.

"Are we supposed to eat her?" Longg asked.

"No human filth can sssurvive that much magic," Sass said. "She mussst be a sssacrifice. I call the head."

Longg pulled out the glorious marker that Plagg had gifted them with during his last blessed visit, took a huff, and floated down to scribble some carving lines on the human. He barely moved before the human rammed a fist through the floor!

_ **("You dare to eat me? ME?!")** _

Her very voice shook the walls. Magic radiated off the girl in waves. She rose to her feet and looked at them with her glowing demonic eyes. The kwamis couldn't help but cower at her might. All except Fluff.

"Hi, Duusu," Fluff happily waved. "I like what you did with your human."

_**("Duusu? I'm not—")**_ The name appeared to break The Beast's control and Marinette re-appeared with a blink. "Huh? What the—?" She saw the kwamis. "It worked! Haha! I summoned the kwamis!" She punched the air in victory! Well, she tried. Her arms stayed at her sides because they suddenly weighed several tons and couldn't rise an inch. Same with her legs. Marinette toppled over like a tree and laid there. "Help… can't move..." she managed to wheeze through her heavy jaw.

"Amazing!" Pollen said, examining the girl. "Thiz human filth hasn't lozt her mind from all the magic."

"Bakaaaw!"

"You're right, Orikko, she muzt have a mind ztronger than zteel."

"Or she's already crazy," Wayzz muttered under his breath. Then he got between the group and Marinette and said, "Kwamis, may I have your attention. This has all been a terrible misunderstanding. You are not needed, the war against the human filth still rages on. Please return home until we call you—"

"NO!" Marinette's hand shot up and grabbed Wayzz before slamming back to the floor like he was heavier than a car. "Need… all of you… Can't be near… Chat… alone..."

"I changed my mind!" Wayzz rasped through his pancaked lungs. "Help her! _Fight the human resistance!_"

"Hmm, it ssseemsss the human filth'sss body isss too weak to wield the magic," Sass observed. "We mussst fix that. But how?"

"Bakaaaw!"

Everyone gasped at Orikko.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

They looked at the rooster kwami in horror, but they knew it was the only way.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

Slowly, very slowly, they turned to the one kwami who hadn't made a noise since they'd appeared in a sullen gray ball of light. This kwami, in Marinette's opinion, was the most normal out of them all. They looked like a mouse, with a mousy thin tail and large round mousy ears, and was the only kwami that was the same size as the animal they resembled.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

Very normal.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

Which made the fact that they were rhythmically banging their head against the wall even more unnerving.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

Sass cautiously cleared his throat. "Uh, Mullo, if it isn't too much trouble, I think we need your help."

_Thud. Thu—_Mullo stopped. "Mullo isn't here right now," they said softly, still facing the wall. "I'm Toppo."

Sass sighed in relief. "Thank Big Red X for that. Toppo, pleassse help usss."

"Okay," Toppo said. They floated backward over to Marinette and plopped onto her chest. Only then did the mouse kwami turn around. Somehow, their head and torso turned in opposite directions. "Hello," they said to the girl with a bored look. "I'm Toppo." Then she smiled. "And I'm Mullo." Then he scowled. "And I'm Rattso."

Marinette rescinded her normal comment.

"And we're..." three different voices said from the kwami's mouth at the same time, "...gonna make you melt."

"What… the… fuck…?" Marinette whimpered.

"It's not as weird as it sounds," Wayzz assured her from her iron grip. "Say, 'Mullo, get squeaky,' and let me go!'"

Pinned by magic and having no other option, Marinette clenched her entire body and said, "Mullo... get... squeaky." In a palpitation of pink, she was transformed into a mouse-themed superhero, complete with hair buns that resembled mouse ears and a pink jump rope.

She continued to lay there.

"I… don't feel… lighter," Multimouse said.

"Use the power of Multitude!" Wayzz begged, starting to turn a bluish-green.

"Multitude? What's—GAAAAH!" She screamed bloody murder as her jump rope came to life and mummified her! Another flash of pink and Multimouse began to... _shrink!_ "No! Help! I'm melting!"

"I was tricked!"

"I'm dying!"

"Help!"

Multimouse paused. She had meant to say those words but someone had beat her to the punch. She opened her eyes and looked at the source of the other screams. She found herself surrounded by identical panicking hers.

"Oh, I see," said one, very matter-of-factly. "By 'melting' they meant dividing my body into multiple selves in order to ease the magical burden. How logical."

"D'awww, we're so adorable," cooed another with pure innocence.

"We all look exactly the same," grumbled a third with pure cynicism.

"I'm Mario," said the only one with a mustache.

"Mmm, I like 'em hairy," the fifth purred exactly like Lady Noire and pulled Mario into a passionate kiss.

"No! Stop!" wailed the fearful sixth at the kissing. "What if Adrien sees? He'll leave me and I'll be alone forever and I'll die forgotten in a cabin in the middle of nowhere."

"My Adrien wouldn't do that," the seventh sighed lovingly. "My Adrien is perfect in every way. But is my Adrien fun as Chat Noir?" She swooned. "And Luka? Oh my Big Red X, what a dreamboat!"

"Get that out of your head! Adrien is out of my league!" the ninth roared in fury. "And Chat Noir won't stop playing around! And Luka won't stop being so fucking perfect! AAAAAAH!"

"But all I have to do is trick Kagami into being the worst girlfriend ever and Adrien will leave her in the dust," the tenth cackled.

"Hello there, I'm your inner lesbian," the eleventh said pleasantly. "Friendly reminder: we might be kinda into Kagami."

"What the fuck?!" the original Multimouse said.

"It appears by dividing the magical burden, Mullo also divided my personality into its most powerful components," Logic, the first one, informed.

Multimouse took another look at herselves.

"Wow!" the innocent her said. "So, we're like the seven dwarves from _Snow White?_ That's so cool!"

"Mmm, I like 'em young," Lady Noire purred, coiling herself around Innocence.

"We don't like how huggy Chat Noir is!" Fury declared.

"Yes, we do," Love blushed back. "He's the only boy who treats us like a woman."

"Hold on, am I bi like Alya?" Fear asked, trembling at the thought.

"Eh," Inner Lesbian shrugged. "Everyone's a little gay."

"And we can use that to trick Kagami into thinking she's gay and making her break up with Adrien!" cackled Conspiracy.

"Right, because that's sooo gonna work." Cynicism rolled her eyes.

"I'm Mario," said Mario.

"Holy fuck," Multimouse said.

"Indeed," Logic agreed. "I'm a mess."

"No, not that. I still have innocence?!" Multimouse jabbed a finger at the her who smiled wide and bubbly as Lady Noire went to town.

"Innocence died a long time ago. That is Denial."

"This is fine," Denial chirped as Lady Noire licked her ear.

"I'm also two inches tall," Logic noted.

Everyone stopped talking. They craned their heads back and saw the kwamis, now towering over them like skyscrapers.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" they all screamed.

* * *

_Back at the TV Station:_

Adrien slammed the dressing room door behind him and caught his breath. Kwamibuster was searching for him. Without a disguise, his secret identity would be exposed. He needed a mask. He needed a costume. He needed a—

Adrien noticed the The Banana suit on the chair.

Not making a sound, Adrien swiped the costume and ran out.

A few seconds later, Ape-Man stepped out of the dressing room's bathroom with the latest issue of _Ballet Monthly_.

_Later, in the lobby:_

Hawkmoth punched the elevator call button for the 50th time.

"Jeez, we could've walked to the roof by now," Duusu whined. "What's taking so long?"

"I don't know! The building has been evacuated! Who else would be using—"

_Ding!_

The elevator doors slid open and Hawkmoth came face to face with…

"THE BANANA?!" Hawkmoth screamed.

"HAWKMOTH?!" Adrien screamed back.

The villain fell on his back and tried to crawl away. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to turn evil! I did it for love! And slightly because I was bored. BUT MOSTLY LOVE!"

Seeing his sworn enemy beg left Adrien speechless. "Uh… what?"

"SCIENCE!"

Kwamibuster dropped from the rafters and aimed her proton pack at Hawkmoth. Quick as can be, Hawkmoth grabbed Duusu and held it in front of him like a shield.

"Hey, whoa, what's happening?" Duusu asked.

"This is part of the tour, Duusu! We have to get our picture taken! Say cheese!"

"Oh, okay, cheese."

Duusu smiled widely at the powering up proton pack. Its demise was at hand. Hawkmoth could feel it! It was over!

"Good job, everybody, we won!" a child-like voice cried out as if it meant 'CHARGE!'

Every head snapped to the front door. A flock of kwamis flew into the building and swarmed Kwamibuster.

"Kwamis?" The Akuma barked with laughter. "Yes, I shall collect you all and prove my science! HaahahaahHAHAHAHA—"

The one that resembled a monkey grabbed Kwamibuster's face and peered deeply into her soul. "Look into my eyes," he said.

She couldn't disobey. The monkey's sights seemed to open into bottomless pits that swallowed the entire world. Those pits weren't empty. Millions upon billions upon trillions of faces sneered back at her, spitting unicorns, sneezing colors that don't exist, coughing up tapdancing palm trees, panting the taste of confusion, and bananas, and bananas, and bananas, and bananas, and bananas, and bananas, and so many fucking bananas!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Kwamibuster screamed until her throat was hoarse and she fled up the stairs.

"Get her," said Sass and the rest of the kwamis gave chase.

"Wait, come back!" Hawkmoth chased after them.

"Yeah, we didn't get our picture taken," Duusu complained.

Adrien watched the parade of madness go, his bewildered look hidden behind his fruit-filled grin.

"Chat Noir, I presume?" purred a tiny voice.

Floating before him, on the head of the dragon kwami was a pinky-sized girl dressed like a mouse. She was giving him a very familiar pair of bedroom eyes.

"M-M'Lady? Is that you?" he asked.

"Mmm, I can be whoever you want me to be, big boy. Don't let my size fool you, I can be tons of fun. You ever heard of minigirl—"

"NO!" Another identical mouse-girl put the first in a headlock. "None of that. Chat Noir, I'm Multimouse. Ladybug sent me to help. Give me your ring, meet me on the roof, and ignore this one."

"Mmm, I like 'em rough."

"You like all of them, you slut."

Oddly aroused, Adrien gave his Miraculous Ring to the oddly familiar cute girl. The dragon kwami flew off with the duo, leaving Adrien wondering where he'd seen her before.

* * *

_On the roof:_

Kwamibuster frantically tried to get away from the three-headed walking trout in a tutu but every time she ran for the door, a portal opened up and transported her back to the horrible fish that only existed in her mind.

"I've sorely missed this," said Kaalki, the horse kwami, as she opened another portal. "Watching the human filth squirm has not gotten old."

The rest of the kwamis and Multimouses agreed, enjoying the show on a nearby air conditioner.

"Kwamibuster! Here!" Hawkmoth yelled as he burst onto the roof. The villain dove in front of the Akuma only for her to crash into him and both to slide into the portal. Kaalki adjusted the angles slightly so they were both now falling upwards forever.

The kwamis applauded.

The original Multimouse arrived seconds later, wearing Chat Noir's ring like a belt. "I have the Miraculous."

"Well done," said Logic, adjusting her Miraculous glasses. "Now, we need only to find a way inside Kwamibuster's backpack."

All the Multimouses gasped!

"You mean allow myself to get captured?" Fear shivered.

"Are you insane?!" Fury roared.

"Or we could just leave them in there," Conspiracy cackled.

"I'm Mario," said Mario.

"I considered the possibility of allowing my capture," Logic admitted. "But it is indeed dumb when you consider I have portals. Kaalki, if you would."

"But of course, darling slave." Kaalki beautifully swept their pompadour back and struck a majestic pose. In response, a portal opened under Multimouse and she fell through with a scream.

"Huh, that was easy," Cynicism snarked.

"Excuse me," Inner Lesbian said, "where's Lady Noire?"

"I'm sure she's staying out of trouble," Denial said.

_A few feet away:_

Adrien felt the irony as he found himself, usually a cat-boy, cornered by a mouse.

"Mmm, c'mere, big boy," Lady Noire purred as she strutted toward him. Her hips swung like a pendulum. "Let me peel that banana."

_In the proton pack:_

The portal opened and belched Multimouse out. Gravity immediately made itself known and she was thrown about along with Tikki, Plagg, and the bar.

"GAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAH! What's going on?!"

_Outside the proton pack:_

"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" Duusu laughed as the roller coaster portal ride kept going and going and going! "This is the best day ever!"

"I think I'm going to be sick," Hawkmoth gurgled.

"SCIENCE!" Kwamibuster cried in defiance.

At the same time, both Multimouse and Hawkmoth were dizzy and on the verge of puking, but they were also filled with great determination. Hawkmoth grabbed the blaster of Kwamibuster's proton pack. Simultaneously, Multimouse grabbed hold of the Miraculous Ring around her waist.

"Plagg, Mullo, unify!" she shouted.

"Duusu, say cheese!" he shouted.

In a blast of black, Plagg was siphoned into the ring and she became Multinoir!

In a _ZWAAAP_ of science, Duusu was captured!

_On the ground floor:_

Nathalie snapped awake with a sharp gasp and bolted upright! "What? Where am I? How did—What?"

_ Upstairs: _

"Whoa, the Native Americans were right. Cameras do steal your soul," Duusu said, marveling at the spinning green prison. "Hi, Tikki," it said the bouncing red blob. It easily caught the gray blur and said to Multinoir, "Ooh, yes, you're coming along nicely. That punchline is broiling and ready to pop. But comedy is all about timing. We have to wait for the setup. Could you do me a solid and get me outta here?"

Not sure what this new kwami was talking about, Multinoir called out, "Cataclysm!" and pressed her hand against the wall. Instantly the entire proton pack disintegrated. Tikki, Duusu, and Multinoir were free!

"I have succeeded," Logic observed. "Kaalki, please close the portals."

"Oh, if only I could, darling slave," Kaalki sighed majestically. "I'm afraid they're permanent tears in reality."

"So is the brain damage I gave her," the monkey added.

"Oh." Logic blinked. "I had not considered this."

"I'll fix it!" Conspiracy cackled and stole the Fox Miraculous from Denial.

"I didn't want that anyway," Denial said pleasantly.

Putting on the jewelry, Conspiracy ran for the portals and called out, "Trixx, Mullo, unify!" In a razzle of orange, she became Multifox!

_ Nearby: _

Adrien didn't know how but he was now pinned under the seductive tiny mouse-girl. "Mmm, time for my daily dose of potassium," she purred.

Suddenly they were both deafened by an ear-splitting off-key note from a flute. Adrien managed to get out from under her and check on the fight. To his surprise, one of the tiny mouse-girls was waiting for him with his ring. He put it back on and transformed into Chat Noir while the more kissy mouse-girl was dragged away. It was over. Miss Mendeleiev was rubbing her head in the corner, de-akumatized and mumbling about Scottish baseball cards made of bubble gum. Multimouse stood nearby with Ladybug who had just de-evilized the black butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The roof was put back together.

The portals were sealed and Hawkmoth vanished.

All the mouse-girls joined into one human-sized Multimouse.

"Whoo-weee, look at me! I'm Ladybug and I just won the day!"

"Yessiree, you sure did, Ladybug! Look at me, I'm Multimouse! Now, that the battle is over, I guess it's time I gave this back to you!"

Multimouse happily removed her Miraculous pendant and gave it to Ladybug. In a palpitation of pink, she transformed into… _Marinette!?_

"Uh oh! That was a big oopsie, _Marinette._" Ladybug winked, not sounding the least bit worried. "You went and revealed your secret identity like a big dumb-dumb—"

"PRINCESS!" Suddenly Marinette was scooped up in Chat Noir's arms. He hugged her tight and twirled with joy. "Oh my Big Red X, you were amazing! I always knew you could be a hero!"

"Wow-wee, I guess it wasn't meant to be," Marinette said, her blank smile never fading. "Now that you know my identity, Chat Noir. I have to give up being a superhero."

"Them's the breaks," Ladybug agreed.

Chat Noir gasped. "She what?! No! Please, LB, she—AAAAH!" The boy screamed as he took a step toward his Lady and went straight through the floor.

"WHEEE!" Marinette cheered as she tumbled with him.

Maintaining her upbeat smile, Ladybug grabbed the two as they fell from the sky and pulled them to solid ground. "So as I was saying, Marinette can't be a hero," Ladybug concluded.

Chat Noir stared at the still whole roof he had somehow fallen through, shaken. "Where did—How the—What did I just—"

"Nothing. Wow! Look at me, I'm Ladybug and I say Marinette Dupain-Cheng can never have a Miraculous again! And that's final!"

He wanted to protest, but he knew once Ladybug set her mind to things, it was almost impossible to change. With solemn resignation, Chat Noir put Marinette down and took her hand. "Princess, I'm sorry," he said softly. "You did wonderful today. I'll never forget how brave you were. If there was any other way, I'd want you to be fighting by my side. Because you're not just my Number One Fan. You're also one of my closest friends."

Marinette's blank empty smile all at once twitched. "Ouch," she said happily and checked her pulse. "Y'up, that broke my heart so much that it's killing me. Yippee! See ya, unfulfilling life!"

"Look at me, I'm Ladybug!" Ladybug interjected and grabbed Marinette. "I better get her home before she crumbles. Bye!"

The heroine swung away with the girl, leaving a trail of golden dust. Chat Noir watched them go, sniffling back the tears. If anyone had been there to see him, they would've seen a boy very different than the smarmy and cocksure Chat Noir. They would've seen a boy sad and hurt and… lonely.

Sucking it up, Chat Noir turned to the roof's edge and fell through the floor again. "AAAAAAAAA!" He fell out of the sky, through the floor, and was launched into the clouds like he'd been shot out of a cannon. When he was nothing but a twinkle, pinky-sized Multifox stepped into the open and swiped her flute through the air.

"Reality!" she called. In a poof of golden dust, everything returned, the destruction of the battle, the kwamis, and Hawkmoth endlessly falling up through the portals. The only things that didn't change were Miss Mendeleiev rocking in the corner and a polka-dotted bowl covered with Multimouses on the floor.

The tiny girls didn't move, their somber sights stuck in the direction Chat Noir had left.

"Closest friend?" Love repeated forlornly.

"Why can't he just hate me?!" Fury grumbled.

One by one, they gathered together and formed one whole human-sized Multibug. "Because I don't want him to hate me," she said to herself. Then the magic hit. Hard. Multibug crashed on top of the bowl like she was being crushed by a trash compactor.

"CHARGE!" Fluff said happily as is if it meant 'Good job, everybody, we won!'

The rest of kwamis celebrated along with her.

"Well done, my fellow kwamisss," Sass said. "We have vanquished the human resssissstance once again. I sssay we memorialize thisss victory by dessstroying the city."

"Yeah!" everyone agreed.

Then they all vanished from existence.

Ladybug, sweaty and out of breath, got to her feet and ripped off the last of the Miraculous. "Destroy this, motherfuckers." She flipped off the jewelry and released the real black butterfly from under the bowl. She quickly de-evilized the insect and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The destruction was repaired.

French Ryan Seacrest's spine was reassembled.

The portals were taken away at the worst possible moment and Hawkmoth was also shot into the sky.

Ladybug watched the one man she needed to catch fly into the horizon at Mach-3. "Yeah, I don't know what I expected," she said.

"Uuuhhh," Miss Mendeleiev groaned as the madness finally left her. "What happened? Did science win?"

"Magic is real!" Ladybug shouted at her. "Get over it!" She gathered the Miraculous and swung away.

* * *

_Downstairs, in the lobby:_

Duusu tried on a novelty hat from the gift shop that said _Prostitution Was Legal Here Until 2016._ It didn't like it and tried on the hat that said _The Croissant Is Actually An Austrian Dish, You Racist._ In the mirror's reflection, Duusu saw a figure slowly approach on shaky legs.

"S'up, Nat. You feeling a bit better after that Akuma separated us? Hahahah!"

Nathalie got closer.

"Yeah, it doesn't mean you're free or anything like that, I'm afraid, hahahah! But since you're moving again, I suppose the whole slowly dying thing has been reversed a little."

Nathalie got closer.

"Not cured. Just taken back a few stages. I'd say Gabe bought you a few extra weeks, maybe even a month. Use it wisely, HAAHAHAAH! By the way, which hat do you like bett—"

Nathalie grabbed the kwami out of the air and slammed it against the mirror. "Knock… knock..." the woman rasped through dry lips.

"Whoa, whoa! What is this?" Duusu asked, sounding more excited than scared. "Is this poetic justice?"

"Knock… knock…" Nathalie repeated, squeezing the kwami with all her might.

"It is! Yeah! I love this crap! Woo! Give it to me! Who's there, baby?"

_("Me.")_

"Me? Haha! I've actually never heard this one. Alright, Nat, me wh—" Duusu's mad grin dropped as it saw Nathalie's eyes flare red and blue. It suddenly realized that it couldn't phase out of the human's grip. Where there should've been bone and muscle it could pass through was instead its own magic which Duusu had used to slowly infect Nathalie and that blue-haired girl. The magic was just barely enough to keep Duusu in place. For the first time in a very long time, it laughed _nervously._ "Uh, hehehe, okay, Nat, how about we stop playing and take a moment—"

Nathalie squeezed so hard that Duusu's bulbous eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"Me who?! Me who?!" it wailed.

Nathalie raised a fist. _("Just me.")_

_WHAM!_

END

_Who is The Banana?_


	35. 31 The Good Son Felix

_I saw the NY Special._

_My favorite part was the rooftop party where everyone eats "magical hotdogs" and starts tripping on acid, changing colors, growing hair, and flying through the sky. I was laughing so hard because I had never seen a more innocent depiction of teenagers doing drugs. A+ metaphor, Astruc. A+. That's how you get things past the censors._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_THERE WE GO! NOW WE'RE BACK ON TRACK!_

_{And... uh, they worked through their differences and inspired each other to become better space-animals...?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 31: The Good Son Felix  
_By: I Write Big

Gabriel Agreste was happy.

I know, dear readers, it sounds wrong, but he really was. What exactly did he have to be happy about, you ask? Well, it wasn't that he'd finally gotten his hands on Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses. He was no closer to getting those than when he became Hawkmoth nearly a year ago. Was it because he had discovered the future Hawkmoth's identity and eliminated them? Nope, but he had Lila searching diligently for the culprit. So why was he happy? Read carefully and you might figure it out.

"And then Nathalie and I took this lovely stroll along the Seine," Gabriel reminisced as he polished his wedding rings in his hand. Even though the rings already shone like gems, he kept cleaning with a faraway enraptured look. "Well, _I_ strolled and pushed Nathalie's wheelchair, but the stars were so beautiful that night and the moon was like the purest silver. I wish you could've seen it, Emi-poo."

Emilie Agreste kept on being a corpse in her glass coffin.

"What was that, Emi-poo?"

Emilie said nothing.

"Oh, yes, I suppose Nathalie and I have been getting along lately. It's nice to have such a friendly relationship with my employees. Tomorrow, I'm taking Nathalie to the movies."

Emilie continued to rot.

"W-What?!" Gabriel sputtered. "Me and Nathalie? No, of course not, Emi-poo! We're just friends. Besides, she's dating online, not that any of the guys she finds are worth her time."

Emilie stayed dead.

"What do you mean 'am I okay with that?' Why wouldn't I be? Nathalie can date anybody she wants."

Emilie sprang to life! No, I'm kidding. She didn't budge.

"Me? Ha! Right, good one, Emi-poo. Like Nathalie would want to date me. Me and Nathalie! Together! Ha! The thought has never crossed my mind even once." He smiled widely and held it. Sweat began to pour down his face. "Okay, I'm leaving!" He quickly opened the coffin, ignored the blaring sirens, slipped Emilie's wedding ring back on her finger, and shut it. "Gotta go do stuff that has nothing to do with my non-date with Nathalie tomorrow. Happy one year anniversary since you've been in a magical coma, Emi-poo, love you!"

As he scrambled out of the cathedral, a dumbstruck Nooroo watched alongside a proud Duusu.

"Holy fuck, it's working," Nooroo whispered in awe.

"Y'up, I know my ships," Duusu bragged.

_Later, upstairs:_

The heart monitor beeped at Nathalie's side with a dreary tone. She was no longer in a coma but now stuck in a wheelchair. She stared out the window, missing the taste of solid food and seriously wondering if this whole love thing was worth it.

"Nathalie!" Gabriel appeared, looking especially sweaty. "How's my favorite purely platonic friend but mostly an employee who I have no romantic feelings for doing?"

She weakly reached to the tablet on her armrest and typed. "The paternity test arrived, sir," her machine said in a robotic voice.

Gabriel looked lost. "Paternity test? What paternity test?"

"A while ago you asked me to ascertain a paternity test to be conducted on you and your nephew Felix." Lightning struck and wolves howled in the distance! All color drained from Gabriel's face as he vaguely remembered saying that. "The test is here and Felix—" Lightning struck and wolves howled in the distance! "—is on his way. Ape-Man is picking him up now."

Gabriel took a deep steadying breath in and breathed out, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."

"You should tell Adrien," Nathalie typed and shakily pointed out the window.

Just outside, Adrien hung streamers all over the garden statue of Emilie. "Happy one year anniversary of you being dead, Mother," they heard Adrien say cheerfully before presenting the statue a cupcake. "I brought you a treat. Don't eat it all at once."

"That's not normal," Gabriel muttered and donned a sunhat.

_ Outside: _

"Happy Deathday to you, happy Deathday to you! You look like a monkey and you smell like one too!" Adrien sang and ended the song with some fireworks.

"Adrien, we need to talk," Gabriel said, hissing and grunting as he failed to keep to the shadows. He took a seat next to the boy just as he set off some Roman candles. "I know this must be a tough time for you and we all grieve in our own ways."

"Grieve? Mother has been gone for an entire year, Father," Adrien said without an ounce of sadness. He tooted a note on a party horn. "Mother would've wanted us to be happy, not cling desperately to her memory in some false hope that we could bring her back with dark forbidden magic."

"Uhhhhhh," Gabriel turned away guiltily. "Oddly specific. But you can't really know what she wanted."

"Actually, I do. She sent us this delayed email that got auto-sent this morning. See?" He held up his phone. "'Don't cling to my memory. Be happy. Move on with your lives and for the love of Astruc don't try to bring me back with dark forbidden magic.' It's all there."

Gabriel shook as he recognized his Emi-poo's digital signature.

"And that's why I fully support you and Nathalie being together," Adrien concluded.

"WHAAA? Me and Nathalie? HAHA!" The man stumbled back, not noticing he'd knocked off his sunhat. The direct light started to make him sweat and smoke and sizzle. "Don't talk crazy—We're just—She's just—"

_Ding-dong!_

"I'LL GET IT!" Gabriel barreled out of there.

Adrien shrugged and started dancing to some disco music, happy as can be.

* * *

_Meanwhile, on the Liberty:_

Marinette marched back and forth across the ship deck. "Adrien is definitely super-depressed today," she said to over half her class. "We need to find a way to lift his spirits. Suggestions?"

"I know what must be done," Kagami's voice sounded firmly from the group chat on Alya's tablet. "I shall perform my duty as his girlfriend and mate with Boyfriend Adrien."

"Yeah, that oughta work," Nino agreed.

"NO!" Marinette snatched the tablet and muted the rest of the callers. "Kagami, remember what I told you."

"'Girlfriends do not mate with their boyfriends?'" Kagami recited with uncertainty. "I still do not see how that makes any logical sense. Is mating not the goal of dating?"

"I'm the Westerner here, I know what I'm talking about. It's your duty as his girlfriend to not go anywhere near Adrien when he needs emotional support."

"Very well, Friend Marinette. I trust your judgment."

Marinette unmuted the rest of the class and handed Alya back her tablet. "Anyone else?"

"I know!" Lila chimed in. "You should all give me your family's life savings and I'll promise to buy Adrien something special."

"Yes, Lila," her class droned, pulling out their wallets.

"Or!" Marinette interjected, kicking Lila from the call. "Or we could make a video of each of us saying how much we all care about him."

The class considered this.

"Huh, I like that," Alya said.

"It's super sweet!" Rose chirped.

"We should totally do that," Nino agreed, then added, "I'm still gonna give every cent I own to Lila though."

Everyone else concurred and wired their bank accounts away.

* * *

_Back at the Agreste Mansion:_

_Ding-dong! Ding-dong!_

"Me get," Fuu said. He carefully placed a bookmark in his copy of _How To Mooch Off The Rich,_ slipped on his solid emerald slippers, and shuffled over to the front door. Before his fingers brushed the doorknob, Gabriel shoved him aside.

"Out of the way! I need a distraction!" he shouted. Gabriel took a moment to compose himself. "Get a grip, Gabriel. So what if Emilie specifically didn't want you to do exactly what you're doing? She said she didn't want a third pool but she changed her mind when you got her five more. So what if everyone mistakenly thinks you and Nathalie are a thing? You know the truth that there's nothing there and that's all that matters." He opened the door and saw…

"EMILIE!" Gabriel screamed. He dropped to the floor and crawled backward. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to fall in love with Nathalie! It just happened! FORGIVE ME!"

"_GaAaabriEEeeel, you have forsaken meeeEEeEeeeEE!"_ the ghost of Emilie wailed and floated into the mansion. Her skin was paler than bone, her cheeks gaunt and dry, her eyes milky and dead. Thick fog trailed behind her as the apparition reached her craggly fingers for her adulterous husband's neck. "_Put my spirit to rest! Give me your wedding riiiIIIIiiIIIIiiIiing!"_

"I will! I'll give you my wedding ring—"

"Aunt Amelie!" Suddenly, Adrien leaped into the room and bearhugged the ghost. "It's so nice to see you again."

"Wait. Aunt Amelie?" Gabriel stared in disbelief as his son and his dead _wife_ swung back and forth in the air. He only then noticed the wires coming out of the dead woman's back and the fog machine chugging in the corner. Gabriel got up and wiped _Emilie's_ pale face. The makeup easily came off to reveal healthy living skin.

"Um, you got me?" Aunt Amelie smiled innocently.

"Amelie, what the hell, you Elsa-looking fucker!" Gabriel ripped the woman off the wires and plopped her on the floor.

"Oh you know how us twins are," Amelie chuckled, removing the rest of the ghoulish costume. "Always pretending to be the other twin."

"Emilie is dead!" Gabriel roared.

"For a whole year!" Adrien happily added and tooted on his party horn.

"Exactly! You would not believe how many times I've made my parents cry with this prank," Amelie bragged. "Give me your wedding ring, Gabriel."

"What?"

"I said speaking of making my parents cry, Felix, come in and say hi!"

Lightning cracked! Wolves howled! From somewhere in the mansion's cavernous depths an orchestra went _DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!_

Into the mansion stepped a boy. A boy who looked nearly identical to Adrien. The boy carried himself arrogantly with his hands clasped behind his back in a commanding posture Gabriel knew too well. With every footfall, the air became colder and colder until icicles hung from the ceiling. On the boy's face was a scowl Gabriel saw in the bathroom mirror every day. Gabriel gulped. Suddenly the idea of needing a paternity test didn't sound so crazy.

"Felix!" Adrien cheered and hugged the boy. Lightning cracked! Wolves howled!

"Hello, cousin," Felix growled. "Hello, _uncle_," he said to Gabriel in a near-perfect imitation of the man.

"My goodness, look at these two!" Amelie gushed, hugging both Adrien and Felix. "They're cousins and yet practically twins! Remember how they'd pretend to be one another? Once they had you and Emilie fooled for an entire weekend."

"I spent that weekend buried alive in the backyard," Adrien laughed.

"Yes..." Gabriel agreed nervously, his throat very dry. "They could've switched places and we would've never noticed."

"Switched places?" The corners of Felix's mouth curled up into a cruel twisted grin. "I'd never do that." Behind him, a mechanical arm lowered and reached for his hair.

"Hey, Felix!" Adrien said. Lightning cracked! Wolves howled! Ice froze the mechanical arm solid before it could pluck a strand! "We should play that game we played last time you visited!"

"Sell You Into Slavery?" Felix scowled so hard he somehow looked delighted and followed Adrien upstairs. "I'd love to, cousin. Where do you keep your duck tape?"

"Dammit," Gabriel muttered as his possible son escaped. "Please don't be my child. That's the last thing I need."

"You know what I need?" Amelie said, suddenly pressing against him. "Your wedding ring. Give it to me!"

Gabriel was taken aback. "You were serious? Amelie, I know these rings are your family's heirlooms, but besides the corpse in the basement, my ring is the only thing I have to remember Emilie by. Are you really heartless enough to demand it?"

"Yes." Amelie drew a pair of hedge clippers. "I said gimme!"

_Snip snip snip!_

* * *

_On the Liberty:_

Alya finished up her video message to Adrien. Everyone had officially recorded something. Almost everyone.

"You're last, Marinette," Nino said. "You ready?"

"Ready?!" Marinette looked up from her 10,000-page declaration of love. "I'm still on my 3rd draft! I've barely scratched the surface! I need more time—" A ball of ice collided with Marinette's spine. The numbing sensation spread to her limbs and she took the tablet without wanting to. "Thanks. I'll record my message in private," she moaned like the undead. Then her legs carried her to the ship's helm. Nobody followed.

Tikki at last de-possessed her and Marinette gasped. "Tikki, you said you'd stop doing th—"

"Marinette," the kwami said, "I'm only telling you this because I hate you. There will never be a right time to tell Adrien how you feel."

The protest vanished from Marinette's stunned mind.

"There will never be a perfect sunset, no just-right emotional climax, no rainbow in the sky made of gummy bears. You've waited so fucking long, he's started dating another girl. Hell, you've waited so fucking long, you now like _three_ boys, and maybe a girl, and you don't have the guts to date any of them. Look around you. Almost your entire class has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Alya has had _both!_ She's had a boyfriend, broken up with him, and _lived!_ This?" Tikki tapped the waiting tablet. "This won't kill you. I will."

"You can't kill me," Marinette pointed out.

Tikki grabbed one of the girl's fingers and snapped it the wrong way.

"GAAAH! Okay! Okay! I'll do it!" Marinette raised the tablet and stared at herself, the only obstacle in the way. She pressed record. "Adrien, I… I just want you to know that you're a really good friend—GAAAAH!"

"Wrong," Tikki simply said, grabbing a third finger to dislocate.

"Okay! Okay! OKAY!" She held back the tears. "Adrien, you mean a lot to me. As a friend—GAAAAH!"

"We've got so many fingers left. And after those we've got toes," Tikki reminded.

"Adrien, I-I-I like you—GAAAH!"

"Better."

"Adrien, I r-r-really like you—GAAAAAH!"

"Almost."

"Adrien, I like like like—GAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Are you 7?"

"ADRIEN, I LOVE YOU!"

The next finger dropped from Tikki's nubs. Marinette, gobsmacked beyond belief at what she'd said, took a deep breath and said it again.

"Adrien, I… love you." Hearing it out loud, knowing that Adrien would hear her, gave her more courage and the rest came tumbling out. "I've loved you for so long and I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you, Adrien Agreste, and I always will." She stopped the recording and leaned back. A great burden had been lifted. She'd spoken her heart and nobody could take that away from—

Marinette saw her class staring at her through the window.

She stared back.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette screamed.

"GET THE TABLET!" Alya ordered.

* * *

_Outside the Agreste Mansion:_

A big wooden crate sat outside the gates. Printed on its sides were the instructions _To: Antarctica_ and _Do Not Return To Sender_ and _Contents Not Fragile, Shake To Your Heart's Content._

"Please, let me go! I'm not property, I'm a human being!" Adrien wailed from inside. "Okay, now you say, 'Quit your yapping, dog,' Felix."

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

There was no response.

"Felix?"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

Plagg poked his head out of the box. "Uh, dude, your cousin isn't here. And I think he's really trying to ship you out of the country."

"What?" Adrien, tied from head to toe in duck tape, kicked the crate open and saw his surroundings. "Haha! That Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—is such a prankster." He hobbled back inside.

"Adrien, is this normal?" Plagg asked. "Usually families only try to hurt each other over the holidays."

"Relax, Plagg. Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—isn't trying to be mean. He's a really fun guy." A pained look crossed Adrien's face. "But, you know, his dad died not too long ago, so he might be prone to acting out a bit more."

They reached Adrien's room and found the bed was on fire.

"Oh. You escaped. How unfortunate." Felix frowned and fed the portrait of Chat Noir and Ladybug kissing to the flames. "I see you're a Ladybug fan. Pathetic."

Adrien matched that frown as he cut his binds. Things were definitely something different about Felix. Normally his cousin only burned the couch. Losing his dad must've affected him more than he was showing.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to your dad's funeral," Adrien said sincerely. "It was so soon after we lost Mother, and Father thought it'd be too hard on me, considering..."

Felix's stern grimace softened and he faced his cousin. Without a word, he came to Adrien and began patting him down for valuables. Adrien, in his naiveté, thought Felix blatantly taking his phone, his wallet, and his keys was some kind of hug and felt understanding and forgiveness that weren't really there.

"You know what I want to play?" Felix said as he counted out the stolen euros. "A good ol' game of Whip The Middle Class."

"Yeah!" Adrien ran up his bedroom's diamond-encrusted spiral staircase. "I think I still have my rusty chains around here somewhere."

As Adrien searched, Felix continued around the room, destroying anything and everything he could find. The old arcade systems, the foosball table, the 9-screen computer porn-corner, all of them were smashed to smithereens. Plagg watched the destruction in shock while Adrien continued to search. The kwami flew to the boy.

"Dude! He's wrecking your stuff!"

"Who? Felix?" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "Yeah, he can play a bit rough but don't worry, Father can replace it all. It's just stuff."

"It's just stuff…? Huh." In his endless existence, Plagg had never heard this novel phrase before. "Well, if it doesn't bother you, then I guess I shouldn't let it bother meEEEEEEE!" Plagg screeched as he watched Felix drive a bulldozer over his camembert castle. "That son of a bitch and possibly your father! I'LL KILL HIM!"

Adrien grabbed the kwami before he could eviscerate Felix. The pair wrestled a floor above as Felix finished his reign of destruction.

"I'm taking your clothes and using your shower," Felix said. "Not asking for permission."

* * *

_Back on the Liberty:_

"I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! DON'T SEND IT!" Marinette cried from under the collective mass of her class.

"Hurry, Alya!" Kim begged. "She's breaking free!"

"Almost… done… uploading..." Alya sweated rivers. The bar slowly filled at a snail's pace while Marinette sounded more rabid and erratic. "Come on… come on..."

"HE _CAN'T_ _**(KNOW!")**_ The Beast roared and chucked the entire dogpile overboard. Alya trembled at death and its red eyes and its sharp fangs and its barbed claws. _**("**__**GIVE IT TO ME!**_"_**)**_

_Beep._ "Upload complete. Message sent," chimed the tablet.

The world stopped.

The Beast retreated into Marinette and the girl whimpered, "No."

"Girl, it's okay," Alya assured. "It's out there now. He knows and that's a good thing."

Luka was suddenly at her side and placed a warm hand on her shoulder. "No matter his response, Miss. I'll be here for you."

They waited as Marinette wiped the tears away. "You're right." She stood tall and brave. "I can't stop it anymore. He knows."

A moment passed.

"Unless I destroy his phone first!" Marinette bolted off the ship.

"Oh dear," Luka sighed.

* * *

_In Adrien's room:_

Adrien was barely keeping Plagg contained in his hands. "Let me at him!" the kwami snarled. "I'm gonna skin that bastard alive!"

"Plagg, calm down! What's wrong with you? You're never this angry about anything!"

"BECAUSE NOBODY WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO TOUCH MY CHEEEEEEEEESE!"

"Take it easy! He's just acting out because he lost his dad!"

_In Adrien's bathroom:_

The shower was running, as were the sinks. Every drain was clogged with towels and water began to spill onto the floor. Felix wasn't in the shower. He was leaning against the wall, having finished wiring a chunk of the Agreste fortune to himself and was now steadily skimming through Adrien's phone, deleting any photo or contact that looked precious. The phone rumbled with a new message and Felix immediately opened it.

"S'up, dude!" a pre-recorded boy said. "I know this is a nasty time for you, dude, but we're totally here for you. And could I borrow a couple grand? I kinda gave Lila everything I had."

Felix had no reaction. The next clip showed a small girl in pink. "I'm still not sure what dead means," she said. "But Juleka says I should give you my colons."

"Condolences," someone sighed offscreen.

"Yeah, that—"

Felix skipped to the next clip.

"Friend Marinette has informed me that as your girlfriend I must give you 'space,'" said a Japanese girl. She strapped on a spacesuit. "I shall return with a sample of the interstellar vacuum, Boyfriend Adrien."

Skip.

An Italian girl with a sly grin: "I said I was going to buy you something nice with all the money the class gave me but the orphans need it more for their open-heart surgeries," she lied.

Skip.

"Ivan sorry. Ivan here for friend."

Skip.

"If there's anything you require, Young Master—"

Skip.

"I get it. You lost your mom, I lost the chance to be Queen Bee. They're practically the same thing. Only I DESERVE TO BE QUEEN B—"

Skip.

"Adrien, I... love you. I've loved you for so long and I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you, Adrien Agreste, and I always will."

The outpouring of love and friendship sickened Felix. The boy clenched the phone so tight the screen cracked. The running water solidified into ice and the bathroom became a winter wasteland. Despite the frigid temperature, Felix did not shiver, his teeth did not chatter. He didn't even see his own breath. He turned to the clothes he'd stolen from Adrien's closet.

_Meanwhile, a few blocks away:_

"Marinette, stop!" Alya yelled through the _Liberty's_ bullhorn. The ship's anchor tore up the cobblestone road as Marinette dragged the vessel behind her like a wagon. Marinette was chained to the boat that weighed several tons and yet she was still moving.

"Just let it happen!" her class begged, pulling the chain against her.

"No!" Marinette wailed, taking another powerful step. "I can still stop this! I can do a better love confession! _**(It has to be PERFECT!")**_

_Beep._

Marinette stopped. She slowly turned around. "Was that?"

"He responded!" Alya declared.

The class hurrahed and gathered around the tablet. Marinette collapsed on the road, ready to die. Then Luka sat beside here with his phone. "Keep your chin up, Miss. The worst is over," he said and played Adrien's video.

"I hate all of you!" Adrien spat.

Gasps erupted left and right!

"You lower-middle-class losers are not worth the air you breathe!"

Gasp!

"Chloe, you've only become more spoiled and rotten!"

GASP!

"Japanese girl, you're a terrible girlfriend!"

_GASP!_

"Ladybug is old news! I'm over her!"

_ GASP! _

"And that last girl who confessed her undying love for me? You're pathetic, ugly, and a waste of existence. Burn in hell."

The video ended and it got very quiet.

Luka glanced at the ship where no doubt the Young Master's class was mortified. Miss Dupain-Cheng, though, was the priority. "Miss..." he said carefully.

"He rejected me," Marinette whispered to the street.

It somehow got even quieter. Luka suddenly had that tingling sensation only dogs get right before an earthquake strikes. "Miss," he tried again. "I'm still here. If you need to talk—"

"It's fine."

Luka hadn't been human for long, but even he knew the calm way she'd said those words were anything but fine.

"My Adrien just made a mistake, that's all." The corners of Marinette's mouth crept up towards her ears and twitched and twitched and twitched. "I just have to show him why he's wrong. I just have to show my Adrien that there's no one else in this world who deserves him." The chains began to snap like twigs. "And then we can be together forever and ever _and ever __**(and ever.")**_

"Oh dear..."

* * *

_In Gabriel's Office:_

A mountain of furniture formed a wall against the door. From the other side came a dreaded neverending _snipping._ "Come out, Gabriel." _Snip snip snip._ "It's just a little cut." _Snip snip snip._ "All I want is the wedding ring." _Snip snip snip._

"You're insane!" Gabriel cried from under his desk.

"You know what this reminds me of, Gabriel?" _Snip snip snip._ "Our trip to Cabo."

"Cabo?"

_Snip snip snip._ "Remember how we paid the hotel manager to trap the staff in a hedge maze that was slowly burning?" _Snip snip snip._

Gabriel stood from his hiding spot. "You weren't there. I went to Cabo with Emilie."

_Snip snip snip._ "Maybe you did or maybe Emilie needed a break from your clinginess and asked her twin sister to tag in for a weekend." _Snip snip snip. _"Again."

The insinuation stopped the man cold. "Again?" he squeaked.

_Snip snip snip._ "That time you suggested you all go camping in the mansion's indoor park? Me. That week you were convinced the lower class was going to rise up and you put the entire block on lockdown? Me. Your ninth anniversary when you thought installing seven more moats was romantic? All me." _Snip snip snip. _"You know how Emilie was, she hated the idea of being cooped up." _Snip snip snip._ "At least she doesn't have to worry about that anymore."

Gabriel collapsed into his chair. Was it true? Had he not only switched his son with his nephew but also drove his wife away with his overprotectiveness? Had she really felt trapped? Like he was keeping her away from the world? Like he was going to seal her in a glass coffin and stow her in a secret underground cathedr—

"Ohhhhhhh..." Gabriel was suddenly filled with shame. "Oh fuck. I've been very stupid."

"Sir," said a mechanical voice.

"AAAH!" Gabriel jumped and fell out of his chair. It was Nathalie. "What? Why haven't the radioactive mimes taken care of her yet?"

"Because she scares them, sir," Nathalie's tablet said as she typed. "However, we just received this from Lila." She pulled up the message from _Adrien_.

"And you know who else I hate?" the boy spat. "My dad! He's such a control freak! With his stupid rules and his stupid curfews and his stupid bottomless vaults of money! I HATE HIM!"

"Adrien! No!" Gabriel sobbed. "My boy, why?"

"Sir," Nathalie interrupted the waterworks. "Adrien doesn't call you 'dad.' That's clearly Felix."

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Oh." Gabriel wiped away the snot and straightened his suit. "Right. I knew that. This is the perfect opportunity to get the DNA sample from Felix." Lightning struck! Wolved howled! "Nathalie, keep Amelie busy."

He entered the mini-elevator and rode it to the hidden tower.

Once alone, Nathalie steered her wheelchair to the blocked-off door and her eyes turned blood-red. _("Knock knock,")_ she said with her own mouth.

* * *

_Meanwhile in the hidden tower:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man spiraling out of control. "But if Felix is my son, wouldn't that mean I have to give Adrien to Amelie?" Gabriel asked himself. "Would he be happier with her? With a mother?"

Nooroo groaned. "Holy fuck, can we stop with the soap opera melodrama and get to the Akuma already?"

"You're right, Nooroo. First things first. Nooroo, dark wings rise!" In a powerful pulse of purple, he transformed into Hawkmoth. He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off. Across the city, it fluttered until it found the beached _Liberty._

"Miss, look!" Luka pointed as he tried to keep the last of the chains on The Beast. They saw the dark messenger fly to the ship.

_**("Good,")**_ The Beast said in a disturbingly _calm_ voice and marched into an alley to transform.

The black butterfly shattered on the tablet Juleka, Alya, and Rose were all holding and pairs of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on all three of their faces.

"Whoa! I didn't know I could do this!" Hawkmoth said. "I can akumatize multiple people with one Akuma? Huh. Note to self: akumatize an airplane and get myself an entire army. Anyways, Reflekta, Lady Wifi, Princess Fragrance, you three are now the Punishers Trio™! With your powers combined, you will get me a DNA sample of Felix!"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Yes, Hawkmoth!" the three replied and were swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into their old Akuma forms! "We shall not rest until we've made Adrien pay!"

Hawkmoth sputtered, "Waitwaitwait! It wasn't Adri—"

"Hi, girls!" Ladybug landed on the boat, eyes bloodshot, hair fraying, teeth cracking. Madness in human form. "My poor Adrien is so confused. He thinks he doesn't love me when we're clearly destined for one another. We need to fix that—" Her sights landed on Princess Fragrance. "Who the hell are you?"

"Princess Fragrance," the Akuma happily said. "We've never met but I can hypnotize anyone with my perfume blaster."

"PF!" Lady Wifi shouted. "What's the big idea? Now she knows exactly what to expect! Use your brain, you knucklehead." She gave Princess Fragrance a bonk on the head.

"Hey, take it easy, Lady Wifi," Reflekta said.

"Easy? I'll show you easy." Lady Wifi held up her fingers. "Pick two."

"Okay, one, two."

"Good choice." Lady Wifi poked Reflekta in the eyes with the chosen fingers.

"Ow! Why I oughta!" Reflekta shoved Lady Wifi and the wireless villain tumbled over Princess Fragrance who'd tactfully kneeled behind her.

"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," Princess Fragrance snickered.

Ladybug watched all of this, still crazed but yet completely dumbfounded. "The fuck…?"

Hawkmoth massaged his head. "Oh my Big Red X, they're not the Punishers Trio™, they're the Three Stooges."

"Enough horsing around, ladies," Lady Wifi said. "We got a job to do. Let's get Adrien."

"Hold on!" Hawkmoth cried. "It wasn't—"

The Punishers Trio™ vanished into a phone.

"Fuck!" Hawkmoth dialed Nathalie on his majestic cane. "I fucked up! Get Adrien to safety!"

_In the mansion:_

Nathalie shut Amelie's unconscious body in a closet and rode the marble escalator. She wheeled her way as fast she could to Adrien's room and burst through the door. "Adrien," she typed. "We need to—"

She stopped cold.

There were _two_ Adriens in the room, dressed in the same clothes and the same hair. They were identical. The only difference was one Adrien was hoisting the other tied-up Adrien over a cauldron of bubbling oil.

"A-Adrien?"

"Yes?" they both responded.

The Adrien hanging over death chuckled. "Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—this old game again?"

The other Adrien chuckled back. "Who are you calling Felix, Felix?" Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"There's no time!" Nathalie typed furiously. "Adrien, you need to come with me now!"

_Bzzt._

The Adrien holding the rope checked his phone. In a flash of light, the Punishers Trio™ appeared in the room.

"Hellooooo!" sang Lady Wifi.

"Helloooooooo!" Reflekta joined in.

"Hellooooooooooo!" Princess Fragrance sang too, making a small chorus of hellos.

All three aimed their weapons. "We're here to shoot you—" Reflekta's line ended there when they all saw the multiple boys. "The hell?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you!" Hawkmoth said. "Adrien didn't send you that hurtful message. It was his cousin Felix!" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "Now get me some of his hair!"

"Ohhhhh," the Punishers Trio™ said.

"Which one of you wise guys is Felix?!" Reflekta demanded. Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "I'm gonna make you look just like me!"

"And then I'm gonna pause you!" Lady Wifi added.

"And then I'm gonna make you my obedient servant!" Princess Fragrance concluded.

Lady Wifi frowned at her. "They're already paused. Why would we need them to obey us? Use your head." Another bonk to the head that sent Princess Fragrance spinning. Lady Wifi fast-forwarded her until she became a green-skinned tornado.

"Ooh, that's neat," Reflekta said. "Can you do me?"

"Do this." Lady Wifi swiped a scene-skip button at her and Reflekta was suddenly crushed under an anvil.

"For the love of—FOCUS!" Hawkmoth ordered.

"Oh! Right!" Lady Wifi fixed her partners in crime and they all aimed their weapons at the boys again. "Which one of you is Felix?"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"He is," both Adrien's pointed at the other. "No, I'm not. You are. Stop copying me, Felix!"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Ugh, screw it!" Lady Wifi said. "Why do we care if we hurt Adrien? We're evil! Let's just blast both of them and figure it out later."

_WHAM!_

Lady Wifi stumbled back, missing a couple of teeth. Towering over the three Akumas was Nathalie, standing on her feet and her eyes blazing red and blue.

"N-Nathalie!" one of the Adriens stammered. "But your dizzy spells!"

_("I'll be fine. Go.")_

Nathalie then proceeded to kick the ever-living crap out of the Akumas like they were nothing. Duusu watched from a corner, wishing it could get in on the action. Hawkmoth found the display especially hot.

"Felix!" one Adrien said. Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "You need to come clean and apologize." An errant pink ray turned Ladydoll into robo-Reflekta.

"Me? You're the one who made that video, Felix." Lightning struck! Wolves howled! The boys dove to the ground to avoid the barrage of wild pause symbols.

"This isn't fun anymore, Felix." Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "People are getting hurt!" Behind them, Princess Fragrance tried to flee, wailing, "Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!" but got snatched by Nathalie and dragged back into the beating.

"I know! That's why you need to say you're sorry!"

"Excuse me," a new voice interrupted.

Everybody stopped. Fuu was in the room. He calmly walked past the frozen-mid-fight women and said to one of the boys, "Adrien, me need borrow ruby."

"Again?" One of the Adriens pulled a handful of precious gems from his pocket and gave Fuu several rubies. "Make them last this time, okay?"

"Me no promise. Me have gambling addiction." He headed out.

"Hey! Whoa!" Princess Fragrance stopped him. "How do you know that's Adrien?"

"Uh, hello?" Fuu grabbed the real Adrien's arm and pointed at the silver ring on his finger that the other Adrien lacked.

Everybody blinked.

"Wonderful," the real Adrien said pleasantly. "Now that we know who is who, we can all talk this out and solve our problems maturely."

"GET HIM!" Reflekta roared.

"Or not." Adrien sighed and snuck out to transform.

As soon as he was gone, Lady Wifi finally paused Nathalie and the Punishers Trio™ turned their vile attention to Felix.

"Nowhere left to run," Lady Wifi taunted.

"Nowhere left to hide," Reflekta added.

"Nowhere left to… to… um… yeah, I got nothing," Princess Fragrance admitted.

"I got something for you." Lady Wifi went for a bonk. Princess Fragrance ducked and Reflekta got whapped instead.

"Hey!" Reflekta swung, Lady Wifi rewound her, and Reflekta punched herself. "Ow! You little—"

"Enough! Pull yourselves together, ladies. We got a job to do!" Lady Wifi said. The Punishers Trio™ aimed their weapons at Felix. The boy wasn't afraid. In fact, he looked eager. He cracked his knuckles, popped his neck, and scowled so hard that he somehow looked delighted.

"Fair warning," Felix said. "I know karate."

"They teach you how to dodge bullets in karate?" Lady Wifi asked, unimpressed.

The Punishers Trio™ opened fire! Waves of pause symbols, pink rays, and green perfume assaulted Felix like a hailstorm!

And he avoided every shot.

The Punishers Trio™ stared at the untouched boy surrounded by smoking holes and smoldering drywall.

"Huh. I guess they do," Lady Wifi said.

Felix charged!

_In the hidden tower:_

Hawkmoth watched his team get their asses handed to them yet again by his nephew. This was not a productive use of his time. "You know what," he said to himself. "Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—left his suitcase downstairs. I could just take his hairbrush from there and get a DNA sample that way."

He thought this over.

"Yeah, I'm gonna do that." Hawkmoth de-transformed and got on the mini-elevator.

_In Adrien's room:_

Felix roundhouse kicked the trio across the room. Before he could find something heavy and sharp, a yo-yo lassoed him and wrenched him out the window. Over several rooftops, he flew until he landed in the arms of a madwoman.

"Hot stuff! Hi!" Ladybug said. Her unstable face smooshed against his. "What a coincidence, you and me meeting up like this. HAHAAH! It must be fate."

Felix held back his evil grin. "Yes, Ladybug, it's me Adrien Agreste. And I—"

_Click._

Felix only then noticed the chains that looked so thick that they belonged on a boat. He had somehow missed Ladybug wrapping him in them and padlocking him to a sunbathing chair.

"Don't worry about those," Ladybug assured. Her wide, unsettling stare burned into his soul and he knew those cold, hungry, heart-shaped eyes would haunt his nightmares. If they weren't disturbing enough, somehow Ladybug was… _purring._ Not in a metaphorical flirty way. Literally. Like a cat. "These chains are for your own good. You don't know who you love, Adrien, and I need to fix that." She tightened the restraints and pressed herself against his trapped body. "Don't worry, hot stuff, you'll enjoy me fixing you. You'll love every second. I know I will."

"Uh, Bugaboo?"

Ladybug's head snapped sideways with an audible bone crack. _**("I'm busy!")**_ The Beast seethed.

Chat Noir smartly kept out of her blood circle, put several more chairs between him and her, and politely informed, "That's not Adrien. That's his cousin Felix."

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

The malice drained from the heroine's face. Her head snapped back to her prisoner with another audible crack. She pried open his mouth and took a deep sniff.

"Oh."

"He made the video that's gotten everyone riled up. Adrien told me so," Chat Noir added.

"Oh." Ladybug climbed off of Felix and looked rather embarrassed. Chat Noir stepped forward and Cataclysmed Felix's chains. "So, hot stuff doesn't hate me?"

"Of course he doesn't hate you, M'Lady. He told me you're the most amazing girl he's ever met." The honey-filled words stole Ladybug's attention. Chat Noir took her hands and poured out his heart. "Adrien told me he has to be the luckiest guy in the world to have met you and not a day goes by that he doesn't think of you. And, of course," Wink. Wink. "He really enjoyed that calamari you two shared last week." _Wiiiiiiink._

"Calamari," Ladybug mumbled dreamily. She blinked back to reality. "Calamari? Wait, what calamari? And why are you winking at me again?"

"AHA!" a new voice said.

The heroes found themselves surrounded on all sides by the Punishers Trio™! The villains' weapons were aimed point-blank at the outnumbered duo!

"Game over, Ladybug and Chat Noir," Lady Wifi cackled. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she asked the air, "You want us to blast them and take their Miraculous, Hawkmoth?"

She got no response.

"Hello? Hawkmoth?"

_In the Agreste Mansion:_

Gabriel pulled a comb from Felix's suitcase. It was covered with strands of blonde hair. Perfect.

_SMASH!_

The hallway closet burst open and out stepped a bruised and pissed off Amelie. "Gabriel, I want that ring!" _Snip snip snip!_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

_Back in the fight:_

"He's not answering," Lady Wifi said.

"What does that mean?" Reflekta asked.

"Do we just keep fighting?" Princess Fragrance asked.

At that moment, a spark of inspiration came to Ladybug. "Or! Or maybe this is an opportunity!"

"Opportunity?" Chat Noir raised an eyebrow.

"Roll with it," she elbowed him. "You girls are your own people now. No Hawkmoth to tell you what to do, no master except for yourselves. Quick, without thinking, what do you want to do with your lives?"

"Kill Felix," they all said. Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"After that," Ladybug insisted.

"Shave his head," Lady Wifi started.

"Bring his hair to Hawkmoth," Reflekta continued.

"Become a tax accountant," Princess Fragrance finished.

Ladybug sighed. "Never mind. They have no free will."

"KARATE-YOINK!" Felix shouted as he cartwheeled through the group and snatched Lady Wifi's tablet.

"Good job, Felix!" Chat Noir cheered. Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Smash it in half and this insanity will be over!" Ladybug instructed.

"You're right, Ladybug, I could do that." Felix's grin morphed to an ugly scowl. The empty sky turned grey. A chill filled the air and a layer of ice formed on the rooftop. "Or I could threaten to destroy this tablet unless they do exactly what I say. MuahahahaHAHAHAAHAH_AHAHAHAHA!_"

Everyone stared at him.

"Is he evil?" Princess Fragrance asked.

Felix held the tablet over the roof's edge. "Akumas, if you wanna stick around, then get me my uncle's wedding ring!"

The Punishers Trio™ exchanged glances and shrugged. "You got it, boss," they said and headed back for the Agreste mansion.

Ladybug and Chat Noir gawped at the boy. "Holy fuck!" Ladybug said. "He's as evil as Lila!"

"Hey, don't be so quick to judge," Chat Noir defended. "He recently lost his dad."

"That's not an excuse!" She twirled her yo-yo and readied herself to fight. "But at least we only have to beat up a normal non-super person today. I'm not complaining." She hurled her yo-yo at Felix without much care. The boy easily slipped out of the weapon's path and leaped mightily into the air! He soared across the street and landed on the next rooftop like he was Neo from _The Matrix!_

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ladybug screamed.

"I forgot to mention, LB," Chat Noir said with a sudden grim look. "He knows karate."

Ladybug stared at him. "So?"

"That means he can dodge bullets, outfight three opponents at the same time, has dominion over all ice, and can sail through the air like a bird. Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—will be the strongest opponent we've ever faced."

Ladybug continued to stare. "Since when is any of that karate?! You know what, no! Screw this! Lucky Charm!" She tossed her yo-yo up and down came a polka-dotted empty aerosol can. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with—"

Chat Noir immediately took the Lucky Charm and chucked it across the street. Felix caught the can, smugly.

"Is that the best you got?" he taunted.

Chat Noir took the biggest breath. "Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!"

Over a dozen lightning bolts struck the metal can in Felix's hand!

"...ow..." Felix whimpered and fell over.

Ladybug gawked at the charred and smoky body, then at Chat Noir.

"Adrien told me to do that," he excused.

Ladybug quickly smashed the tablet in half, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The _Liberty _was returned to the Seine.

Felix's third-degree burns were healed.

Nathalie was unpaused and stopped Amelie before she could snip off Gabriel's finger.

* * *

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

"The results, sir," Nathalie's tablet said.

Gabriel took the sealed envelope with shaky hands. Here they were, the answers. But now that he had them, he didn't know if he had the spine to read them. He stuffed the envelope into his pocket and stepped into the grand hall. It was time to say goodbye. Felix waited by the front door looking as not sorry as an arsonist gloating over California during fire season. His mom whined and sobbed in shame for his son's actions.

"That video. What you said to my friends." Adrien sighed. "Unforgivable, Felix." Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "I know you've had it rough since you lost your dad—"

"Yes, I did," Felix jumped in, scowling dismissively. "Which means I can do whatever horrible thing I want and hurt whoever I want without consequence."

"No, it doesn't," Adrien said. Gabriel stiffened. Amelie's sniveling stopped. Every head in the room stared at Adrien. "You can miss them. You can be sad or angry that they're gone. But you can't use them as an excuse to hurt people you don't even know."

Gabriel's breath hitched. "Hold on, I don't—"

"Because when you do, you're hurting those people in your loved one's name. You're tarnishing their good memory by filling it with pain and hatred."

Sweat poured down Gabriel's face. He loosened his collar. "Well, maybe that's—"

"I will not forgive you." Adrien didn't flinch. He glared at Felix with such fury that Gabriel thought he was going to hit him! "I'll never forgive you or anyone who uses the death of a loved one to get what they want."

Gabriel looked like he was going to faint.

Then… Adrien hugged Felix. "But I want to help you. I want you to stop hurting. I'll be here for you because we're family and I love you."

For a while, Felix stood there, stunned by Adrien's hold and his words. Slowly, ever so slowly, his arms rose and embraced his cousin. Amelie and Gabriel broke into hysterical sobs at the beautiful sight and joined the hug.

"Oh, Adrien, I'm so proud of you!" Gabriel cried. "I don't care that you might not be my son."

"What?"

"Nothing!"

* * *

_Later, in Adrien's Room:_

Plagg added more and more grotesque steps to his Masterplan! "And then after I've removed his skin, I'll debone him, one ligament at a time so he can watch while I make a xylophone from his ribs. He'll know nothing but suffering!"

"Here, Plagg." Adrien wheeled in a camembert palace. "Sorry, about your castle. Hope this makes up for it."

Plagg tossed aside his torture plans for Felix and dove into heaven. "All is forgiven, man."

As the kwami feasted, Adrien sat on his bed and thought out loud. "I can't believe my friends made me a video. Too bad Felix deleted it and I'll never get to see it."

"Why not?" Plagg asked through several mouthfuls of dairy. "Did your friends delete it from their phones?"

Adrien blinked. "Oh! You're right!"

_Meanwhile at Alya's apartment:_

Chris Lahiffe answered Alya's rumbling phone. "You've reached Alya Cesaire's phone. Chris Lahiffe speaking." The boy pretended to take a puff from his candy cigarette. "Sorry, Adrien, Alya is too busy to talk. She's playing the bedroom game with her many girlfriends." Another puff. "The video my big brother helped make? Sure, it's still on Alya's tablet, I'll send you a copy."

* * *

_Back at the Agreste Mansion:_

He stared at the envelope for a long, _long_ time. He came to a decision and tossed it into the crackling fireplace. For the first time that day, Gabriel Agreste breathed easy.

Then he saw his wedding ring was missing.

"NATHALIE!"

* * *

_Later, at the train station:_

"You got the ring! I never thought I'd see it again," Amelie cheered. She took the band of silver from her son and cradled the precious heirloom. She ruffled Felix's hair. "My little magician, how did you do it?"

"Oh, you know." He shrugged. "I have my tricks."

A hiss of steam announced their departure and, with a gentle _chugga-chugga,_ they started their long trip ho—

_CRASH!_

A cavalry of policemen swung through the train's windows. They all pointed their guns at Felix.

"Felix Graham de Vanily," Officer Roger slapped a pair of handcuffs on the boy, ignoring the lightning strike and wolf howls. "You're under arrest for stealing from a rich white man."

Felix blinked. "Um, I'm Adrien?"

"Nice try. You're going away for a long time, buster."

Felix frowned. He frowned so deeply that he somehow looked delighted. "Oh, I would be, Officer, if I didn't know... _karate_."

The air became frigid like the tundra and Roger saw his own breath. "Get down!" he screamed.

* * *

_Back at the mansion:_

Fuu wandered out of the kitchen with a two-foot-tall ice cream sundae, decorated with edible gold. In the background, the news played.

"The epic train heist ended with the criminal escaping across international borders," Nadia Chamak reported. "Fire Chief Cobra Commander estimates it will take a week to thaw out the policemen. Felix Graham de Vanily is still at large."

Fuu settled in the extra-soft velvet chair by the fireplace. He licked his lips and shoveled the first delicious spoonful into his mouth. As he relaxed, he heard a _crackle._

In the embers of the now-dead fire was a scrap of paper. Thinking it was a partial check he could cash, Fuu fished it out. The edges were curled and blackened and most of the paper was gone. Whatever it was, it wasn't money. Fuu tossed it back into the fireplace where the red cinders set the paper aflame and burned away the last legible line.

_Felix Graham de Vanily_

_DNA Match: Negative._

END

* * *

_Miraculous Migraine is almost over. I already have the next 2 chapters written, but I prefer to be 4 chapters ahead for foreshadowing and joke-building purposes. Due to an unexpected trip, I've fallen behind on my writing schedule and need to catch up. No new chapter next week, dear readers. I need time to plot out... the finale!_


	36. 32 LILA WARS III: Revengeance

_Good... good... Let your hatred of Lila flow through you!_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP!_

_{And... during the super special mission to the moon… the frog saves the squirrels life…?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 32: LILA WARS III: Revengeance  
_By: I Write Big

There is such a thing as a breaking point.

Everyone's got one and where it is varies from person to person. Some people snap with an offhand comment about their hair, others can weather a hurricane of insults without a care. Considering the year Marinette Dupain-Cheng had been through and the fact she hadn't killed anyone yet (cue montage of her many attempted/failed murders), it would be accurate to say she had the patience of a saint.

But her patience was running out.

"Why hasn't Adrien broken up with Kagami yet?!" Marinette ranted to Alya as they entered their classroom. "I've made sure she never returns his texts, is always too busy to go out, constantly insinuates she's part of the yakuza! Why isn't this working?!"

A few desks away, Adrien fawned over two pictures, one of Ladybug and one of Kagami. "I've loved you from afar with a mask, Bugaboo," he whispered dreamily. "I can love you from afar without one."

"So what are you going to do?" Alya eagerly streamed Marinette's steaming scowl to her _Poor Life Choices _blog.

"I need to be more direct."

Alya gasped. "You're gonna tell Adrien how you really feel?"

"No! Obviously I need to trick Kagami into telling Adrien he has a small dick. That oughta fix things."

"Attention, class!" Miss Bustier slammed the only door shut, locked it, and dropped the key into her ample cleavage. "It's come to my attention that we have a _cheater_ in our midst."

A heaviness filled the air. Suspicious eyes glanced around.

"Now we can do this the easy way or the _fun_ way." Miss Bustier pulled a whip from her desk and gave it a _CRACK!_ "I vote fun."

Nobody moved. Miss Bustier sexily grinned.

"Fun it is!" _CRACK!_ The deafening snap of the whip made every student dive for the back of the room. Miss Bustier kept on whipping her way up the aisle until she had the students pressed against the wall.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Lila screamed. "You know who the cheater is, Miss Bustier!"

The teacher laughed lightly and grabbed Marinette's abandoned backpack. "I know you're still new here, Lila. You'll learn I have my methods." From the bag, she pulled out an official-looking paper. "Ooh, naughty, naughty," Miss Bustier growled playfully. "Looks like the anonymous letter that said Marinette stole the test answers was correct."

"I DID WHAT?!" Marinette roared.

The entire class gasped!

"Marinette?!" Adrien gawped.

"Dupain-Cheng?!" Chloe gawked in disbelief.

"She'd never!" Alya jumped from her hiding spot and protested. "Marinette must've been set up!" The rest of the class agreed. They rose up in defense of—

"No she wasn't," Lila lied.

"Yes, Lila," the class droned. "Marinette is a cheater who can't be trusted. All hail Lila. Praise be to Lila."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Marinette grabbed the hypnotized Alya. "We studied for the test together! You know I'm innocent! Say it!"

"Does Lila say you're innocent?" Alya droned back.

And it was here that the last drops of Marinette's patience evaporated. All that was left behind was a barren desert of the purest hatred. Marinette glared hellfire at Lila who slyly grinned back.

Marinette marched toward her. "You mothefucking…"

"Marinette? A cheater?" Lila swooned. "Say it isn't so! That's so unlike her! Although, now that I think about it, I did overhear her brag about stealing the answers while I was donating blood to the anemic."

Marinette picked up a chair. "...Cocksucking..."

"Oh my," Miss Bustier moaned sexily. "You heard her say that?"

Marinette picked up a second chair. "...lying..."

"I thought it was nothing, but she did say, 'Haha! Now I'll definitely pass that test because I, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the ugliest girl in the school, stole the answers.' Or something like that."

Marinette raised the chairs over her head. "...sociopathic **_(_****_BITCH!")_**

Miss Bustier thought it over. "Well, if no one else believes Marinette is innocent, then—"

"She's innocent!"

The chairs slipped from Marinette's hold. Every head turned to… Adrien. The boy stood tall, the only classmate who didn't look like a puppet.

"You all know Marinette," he said. "She doesn't cheat. You know she works hard and never takes shortcuts. Marinette is the most dedicated student here, she's our class president, she puts our problems above her own. She doesn't quit and neither does her body. That ass defines the word bangable. Admit it! We'd all do her in a heartbeat!"

_Ten passion-filled minutes later:_

"I trust her," Adrien concluded. "Marinette is amazing, smart, cute, strong, and anyone would be lucky to date her. And she's one of my closest friends."

"GAAAAAH!" Marinette grabbed at her sudden heart attack.

Throughout the speech their classmates regained focus. They no longer stared into the distance in a zombie-like trance. They nodded along with his words and—

"She's guilty," Lila lied.

"LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!" the class chanted.

_CRACK!_

Everyone shut their mouths at the sound of the whip. Miss Bustier wound the leather in her arms. "It's officially out of my hands," the teacher said. "Since Adrien makes a good case and Marinette clearly thinks Lila framed her, I have no choice but to send you both to the principal's office to sort this out." She licked the whip. "Play nice, you two."

_Later, in the hall:_

The pair of hated enemies wandered down the hall, glaring at each other.

"Don't think you've escaped, Marinette," Lila snarled.

"Lila, you need to stop." Marinette could feel The Beast ramming the gates. She took a moment to control her breathing and squeeze Adrien's lucky charm in her pocket. "I have too much to deal with. I can't do this today."

"You foolish fool!" Lila cackled. "Little do you know, you've already walked right into my backup trap!"

Marinette stopped, took her hand off the door to Principal Damocles' office, and grit her teeth. "Lila, don't push me."

"It's true that the Librarian has cameras all over this school, but there's a flaw in the system!" Lila dramatically pointed at the stairs next to them. "This staircase is the single blindspot in the school's security. Anything can happen here and nobody would know what!"

Marinette faced her. She balled her fists. "Lila, I'm serious."

"Anything! All I have to do is lay at the bottom of the stairs and cry out in pain! Then suddenly you're the dangerous maniac who pushed me down the stairs! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH!"

Marinette let go of the lucky charm. "Why fake it?"

Lila's evil smile dropped. "...Wait, wh—"

"THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!"

_Later, in Principal Damocles office:_

"Miss Dupain-Cheng, you kicked your own classmate down the stairs! Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Damocles asked aghast.

"Yes," Marinette said, flanked by her mom and dad. She smirked at Lila who was in a full-body cast. "Worth it."

"She's a maniac!" Lila cried, only able to barely move her face in the plaster. "She keeps calling me a liar and saying that I'm ugly and that I've secretly hypnotized the whole school to do my bidding. But you know that's crazy, right, Principal Damocles?"

"Yes, Lila," Damocles droned like a zombie. "You are perfect in every way. Praise be to Lila. All hail Lila."

"Hey, Lila, how would you like to be kicked off the roof next?" Marinette snarled.

"See? She's crazy! Keep her away from me!" Lila wailed.

Marinette's parents couldn't keep quiet anymore. "Principal, I think this has gone far enough," Sabine said firmly.

"Kids may get into fights but our daughter would never hurt another person like this," Tom agreed.

"I don't consider Lila a person," Marinette informed.

"She also stole my grandmother's fox pendant!" Lila lied.

Immediately the Dupain-Chengs were overjoyed and filled with pride. They wrapped Marinette in their arms. "Oh, honey, we thought you'd never grow into your thieving ways," Sabine said.

"You're just like your father," Tom sniffled.

The j'accusation and immediate belief of her parents were too much. Marinette felt The Beast at the gate again. "Guys, I didn't steal anything!"

"Theft is a serious crime! Marinette, you're expelled!" Damocles declared.

Everyone stared at him.

"Uh, don't you want to check her locker first and catch her red-handed?" Lila asked.

"If you say I should, then it shall be done, Lila. All hail Lila."

_ Downstairs: _

Marinette stomped into the locker room, her eyes burning a hole in Lila's cast. Her parents were too busy gushing about their baby girl finally starting her life of crime to notice. Damocles led the way through all the girls' classmates who watched with unease.

Damocles faced the locker wall. "Now we shall see the truth!" He ripped open the locker and out tumbled a large crate labeled _Hawkmoth Coup Kit_. "Oops, this is Lila's locker. Sorry." He shoved the crate back in and opened the next locker.

Out tumbled… a fox pendant!

Everyone gasped.

"That's my grandmother's!" Lila lied.

"That's bullcrap!" Marinette roared.

"That's our daughter!" The Dupain-Chengs hugged her again, pushing Marinette closer to the edge.

"I don't need to see anything else, especially not the security footage, witness testimony, or a police report," Damocles said. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng, you are expelled!"

The judgment had been handed down.

Marinette's classmates were horrified she could do such a thing!

Marinette's parents were ecstatic she could do such a thing!

The Beast flared its red eyes at Lila and imagined all the things it could do to her. Then it stopped imagining those things and just ripped a locker out of the floor and prepared to crush Lila like a bug.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man ready to finish this.

"The intern's trap has been sprung!" Hawkmoth said. "Now's the time to strike! Ready, Nathalie?"

"Yes, sir," Nathalie's tablet beeped. _("Knock knock.")_ After a moment, her eyes flared demonically like Marinette's and her limbs regained strength. She groggily rose from her wheelchair.

Duusu floated over her shoulder. "You know, Nat, I don't think I like this new arrangement. It feels less fun and more like you've taken back control. I don't get to do anything anymore."

"Tough," she spat.

Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies and it shattered on Nathalie's tablet. She was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into Catalyst!

"All right! Time to pump!" _Clap-clappity-clap-clap!_ "You up!"

With a couple encouraging spanks, Hawkmoth's silver suit became blood red. Scarlet Moth had returned. The tower echoed with their evil laughter as dozens of butterflies became red as well and fluttered out the spiral window. Across the city, they sped until they reached the school and swarmed the locker room. The butterflies shattered on the belongings of nearly everyone in the room. Those who had been akumatized before immediately transformed into Scarlet versions of their previous villainous selves.

"See?" Chloe ranted. "None of this would've happened if I was still Queen Bee!" A red butterfly shattered on her backpack. "FUCK OFF!" The red butterfly was magically flung out of her backpack. The stunned insect slowly backed away.

Many were taken… but Marinette got the worst of it. Red butterflies shattered on her purse, her hair ties, her emergency tampon! More and more added their evil magic to Marinette's fury, magnifying her strength beyond measure!

"Yes!" Lila laughed maniacally. "Finally! My plan has come to fruition! I have—" a hand stronger than steel grabbed her throat "—made a terrible mistake!"

Marinette lifted Lila off the floor as a pair of fashionably neon-red butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a red-masked man.

"Princess Justice, you have been wronged!" Scarlet Moth proclaimed.

"Yes..." Marinette hissed.

"It must be righted!"

"Yes..."

"With your powers combined with your overpowered Akuma allies, you shall find justice, expose Lila, and get me…" Scarlet Moth suddenly lost steam and sounded unsure, "Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses..." Catalyst stared bewildered at him, "which I'll use to bring Emilie… back..."

"I know exactly where they are, Scarlet Moth," Marinette bellowed with a voice more powerful than the army of hell and removed her earrings. "After I snap Lila's neck, I shall bring the Miraculouses to you."

"Snap my neck?!" Lila sputtered. "Come on! Can't you turn me into a frog or something?"

"No."

But Scarlet Moth didn't hear her. His mind was a million miles away. "You know what? Forget it." He snapped his fingers and all the people were released. Everyone was shocked and awed by their near turn to evil.

"My goodness, that was close," Damocles said between pants.

"Oh no! Marinette is still possessed!" Rose squealed.

"No, she isn't!" Lila wheezed out as she started to turn blue. "She's just strangling me! Help!"

In the tower, Scarlet Moth and Catalyst de-transformed. Before Nathalie, Duusu, or Nooroo could ask what the fuck, Gabriel got on the mini-elevator and rode away.

* * *

_Later, at the Dupain-Cheng bakery:_

"I can be akumatized?!" Marinette screamed.

"Yeah. Who said you couldn't?" Tikki said, not the least bit worried. "What's the big deal? You wanted to kick Lila's ass, doing it as an Akuma means you'll kick it harder and traumatize her."

"But I won't remember any moment of it! What's the point?!" Marinette snarled and ripped her pillow apart. "I need to prove my innocence and expose Lila once and for all." She grinned an evil grin. "And I know just the person to help."

_ Later: _

Alya chugged another black coffee and loosened her tie. "Okay, I've spent about twenty minutes on a hardboiled detective blog so I definitely got this." She tossed her coffee mug and waved her arms at the walls of headshots, blueprints, computer data, and court case files, all connected with a football field's worth of red yarn. "You've been j'accused of cheating, assault, and petty theft. The crème brûlée of juvenile crime!"

"All three of which _Lila_ j'accused me of doing," Marinette pointed out on the other end of the video call. "So, either I'm lying or..."

Alya gasped. "Someone's trying to frame our flawless and elegant Lord Lila?!"

Marinette's eye twitched. "Or _Lila_ is _lying_."

"Haha! Don't be ridiculous, Marinette. Lila, she who is the world's only saving grace and should be worshipped like royalty, doesn't lie." Alya chugged an entire coffee pot and scoured the trails of red yarn. "Someone is trying to pin this on Lila. I just know it."

"_Lila_ is trying to pin this on _me!_"

"Hey, innocent until proven guilty."

"I was expelled on the spot without a trial!"

"Because you're not Lila." Alya messed up her hair a little and donned a trenchcoat to complete the haggard detective/alcoholic look. She pulled from her pocket a magnifying glass bigger than her head. "Don't worry, Marinette, I'm on the case. I won't rest until I've proven Lila's innocence."

The call ended and Marinette stared off into the distance. "I'm doomed," she said.

"Honey," Sabine called. "Can you come downstairs for a second?"

_ Downstairs: _

Tom and Sabine were waiting for her with what looked like a pink apron.

"Sweetie, we love you but this whole thing has become very complicated," Sabine started.

"Which is why it's perfect for your origin story!" Tom excitedly unfurled the pink apron and Marinette saw it was actually part of a super-suit that looked like it belonged to the punk rock cousin of Strawberry Shortcake.

"What?" Marinette said.

"Do you like it?" Sabine gushed. "We designed it ourselves. We think you could call yourself The Baker Girl or The Flour Woman or The Pastry Maker!"

"I personally love The Pastry Maker," Tom whispered.

"What?" Marinette repeated.

"Now that you've been shunned from society and labeled a deviant, it's the ideal time to start your life as a villain," Sabine explained and gave her the costume. "Try it on."

"My baby girl is growing up," Tom sobbed and took hundreds of pictures.

Marinette held the outfit, considered her options, and groaned. "Well, at least you can't see my ass."

* * *

_Back at the Agreste Mansion:_

Gabriel sweated at the oil portrait of Emilie over the fireplace, looking very much like a guilty piece of shit.

"Um, I, uh, ahem, Emi-poo, it has come to my attention, from your sister, and my son, and that email you left us that you maybe might have possibly probably _not_ wanted this."

Emilie continued to be a painting.

"Yes, this is news to me, Emi-poo. How was I supposed to know you specifically never wanted me to preserve you in a comatose near-death state while I terrorized Paris in search of a way to revive you?"

Emilie continued to be a painting.

"Well, obviously I wasn't listening. I was very busy that day buying you that glass coffin."

"Sir," Nathalie's tablet beeped. She wheeled in slowly. "What happened out there?"

The man wiped his face and said with strong resolve, "She didn't want this, Nathalie. Emilie never wanted any of this."

Nathalie's eyes widened. Nearby, Duusu squirmed with delight. "It's happening! It's happening!"

"What? What's happening?" Nooroo asked.

"Shh!"

Gabriel took a deep shaky breath. "As painful as it may be, I need to accept that I can't fix this. I need to let Emilie go."

Bittersweetness filled the room but also relief. It was like the world had been waiting so long for him to say those words. Things would finally change. It wouldn't be easy. He'd hurt for a while. But when he came out on the other side, he would be a better person...

"Sir," Nathalie typed shyly. "What about me? I don't exactly enjoy being in a wheelchair as I slowly die or using dark magic to animate my body."

Gabriel kneeled so they were the same height and took her hand. "We don't need Ladybug and Chat Noir to free you. Just a kiss."

Now Nooroo's eyes widened. "No way."

Duusu shushed it again and got its camera ready.

"Kiss?" Nathalie wanted to type but her hands were cradled by Gabriel's. She gazed deeply into the light blue pools of the man she loved and he gazed right back.

He leaned forward.

His eyes closed.

His lips puckered.

Nathalie reversed out of range and Gabriel fell flat on his mouth.

Everybody stared at everybody.

"Oh fuck, I misread the signals. Plan B it is," Gabriel muttered and quickly texted someone. He then sprang to his feet put on the most forced grin. "Which is why I set you up on a blind date!" he proudly said. He opened the door and let in a bespectacled short man.

"I'm Jalil Kubdel! Salam aleikum! That means hello in Egyptian."

Nathalie looked at the floor with guilt.

"I brought wine!"

"Yes, that whole online dating plan wasn't working out, and it's not like you and me could ever be a thing. Hahaah!" Gabriel said, leading Jalil to her. "So, as a good friend, I took it upon myself to find you the perfect man."

"I also brought my favorite mummy." Jalil plopped a sarcophagus next to them. "I call her Cassandra."

Nathalie kept looking at the floor.

"Well, I'm off to the cloning machine to print me a new Emilie, since there's obviously nothing going on between you and me, Nathalie. Nope, just good friends/co-workers. I'll leave you two alone to get to know one another." Gabriel maintained his forced grin and stiffly marched out of the room. Up in the rafters, Duusu snapped its camera in half.

"I'm guessing that wasn't supposed to happen?" Nooroo asked.

"My ship!" Duusu roared.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the heart of darkness:_

The streets of Paris run with bile and scum. Akumas on every corner. Crime every night. City of Love? Ha! Try City of Sin. You can't trust nobody out here farther than you can throw them, least of all me.

"Alya, are you smoking?"

"Shush, I'm having a noir-esque inner-monologue."

That was Nino. We had a fling a while back. Back when I was into crossdressing and hadn't had my first dame yet. He's a good kid, great lay if you're really lonely, but he prefers to wear pants. Not my shot of whiskey if you know what I mean. I wasn't here to rekindle old flames though. I was on a case. A case that would drag me to the darkest cesspools Paris had to offer. Good thing I brought my crocs.

"Uh, kid, you can't smoke in here."

I puffed a cloud at the janitor. Fred Haprele, resident school loser. Lanky, tall, thin like stretched taffy. Not even the students respected him. Just another stooge.

"Detective Cesaire." I flashed him my internet-certified PI license on my smartphone. "I'm here to gather fingerprints from the crime scene."

"Fingerprints?" Fred blinked widely at me like an owl. Funny. For a second there he looked like he was thinking. "But Lila said we didn't need to gather fingerprints and I should scrub the entire locker room until it was spotless and erase all the security tapes."

I nearly dropped my smoke. Orders from on high. Couldn't blame the poor sap for following orders. Behind him, Marinette's locker sparkled and I smelled fresh lemon. I was too late. Or was I? If Lila had ordered this, then she must've had a good reason. I should ask her.

"Thanks for the tip, Stretch. Keep yer nose clean." I tossed him a fiver for his troubles and wound my way through the rat-infested alleys of Francoise-Dupont High. Along the way, a lady of the night who went by Bustier blew me a kiss and I shuddered. She had a reputation for being as gentle in bed as a rhino with a pineapple shoved up its ass. A block past her station I spotted a flock of kids crowding something. I think I knew what.

"Hi, Alya, it's so sad to hear about Mar—Are you smoking?"

"Lila Rossi. Just the dame I wanted to see." I grabbed one of the many markers and added my signature to her cast. "Ya healing up nicely?"

"Uh, yeah, why are you dressed like Dick Tracy and why are you talking like a New York gangster?"

"Can it, toots. I need answers and I need 'em fast." I flashed my badge at the rest of the schmucks. "Beat it." They scattered like roaches. I fixed Lila with a stare and said, "Spill the beans, doll. Word on the street is ya ordered the crime scene wiped down."

"What? I didn't do that."

"That's not what the cleaning crew says."

"Alya, I swear, I did not tell the janitor to wipe away any incriminating evidence nor did I frame Marinette for stealing my grandfather's pendant."

"I thought it was your grand_mother's._"

For the first time since I met her, Lila shut her trap. Something stank here, it stank to Big Red X. I didn't like what my gut was telling me. It was telling me Lila knew more than she was letting on. Did she know the perp? Was she covering for somebody? Was the mime mafia involved? Whatever this broad's angle was I wasn't gonna leave her side until I got to the bottom of this.

_ Later: _

"You banged her?" Marinette said flatly.

"It was for the sake of the investigation," Detective Alya insisted, not hiding the many lipstick stains on her neck from the camera.

"You banged her?"

"It's PI procedure. 'Chapter 15: Sleep With The Witness' cannot be skipped."

"You banged Lila fucking Rossi?" Marinette smashed her head against a wall. "She's in a full-body cast! How?!"

"Very carefully."

"GAAAH!" Marinette ended the call and kept pounding her head against the wall.

"Pastry Maker, quit dawdling. We have jewels to steal!" The Baker laughed triumphantly as he emptied another display case of gold necklaces into the money sack.

"Cameras sabotaged," The Candlestick Maker announced as she cartwheeled out of the back office. "You see, sweetie, you always have to cover the security."

"Come over here, honey, steal this man's wallet." The Pastry Maker heaved a weary sigh and dragged herself over to the store clerk trembling on his knees. "Now, go easy on her, fella. This is my baby's first stickup." The Baker chuckled and then immediately growled into the man's face, "And you'd better make it special."

The clerk immediately offered his wallet to The Pastry Maker.

Looking as dead to the world as Juleka, she took the prize with zero effort. The Baker and The Candlestick Maker immediately bearhugged her.

"Well done, sweetie!"

"We knew you could do it! You're a natural!"

"Now it's time for my favorite lesson. How to rob a train! Culinary Titans, away!"

The Baker and The Candlestick Maker sped off.

The Pastry Maker returned the wallet and sullenly followed.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the Agreste Mansion:_

"And that's why step pyramids are far superior to bent pyramids, but nothing compares to the great pyramids unless you're really into the red pyramids like Cassandra here. She loves an underdog."

Nathalie let Jalil prattle on and on and on, not listening to a single word. She was doing her best to look dead, which, unfortunately for her, was a real turn-on for Jalil.

_BONK!_

Jalil stiffened and faceplanted into his plate of lasagna. Cassandra huffed over him with the wine bottle. Duusu popped out of the mummy that then collapsed to the floor. "The fuck was _that?!_" Duusu roared. There wasn't an ounce of its usual humor.

"It's never going to happen, Duusu," Nathalie typed and sadly wheeled for the exit.

The kwami flew in front of her. "Never gonna happen? He was all over you! That was a picture-perfect Disney Original Movie kiss moment and you pulled back! I worked so hard to get you two together and you're making my ship sink! Team GabeNath for life! Why, Nat? WHY?!"

"Just let it go." Nathalie pushed past Duusu, only for it to collapse the ceiling in front of her.

"I don't know what bullcrap excuse you're using but that's all it is! Bull! Crap!" Duusu growled. "What happened to you, Nat? What happened to the human who talked back to me? The human who was brave enough to curse her life for the man she loves? The human who was stupid enough to put on a dumb pink bow because I said it looked cute?"

Nathalie didn't respond.

"I'll tell you what happened to her. Nothing. Nothing happened to her. She's still here. Fighting me every day. And the Nat I know would never let anything get in the way of who she wanted."

There was a pause. Then Nathalie clenched her fists. _("Knock knock.")_

Her eyes flared red and she rose from her wheelchair. With fierce determination, she strutted out of the room!

"Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, girl!" Duusu whooped. "Get you some—Hey where are you going?"

With fierce determination, Nathalie strutted out of the mansion's front door.

"Come back! Gabe is upstairs! Just go up there and kiss him! My ship! This isn't funny! AAAH!" Duusu flew after her.

_ Later: _

With fierce determination, Nathalie rode the bus.

_ Later: _

With fierce determination, Nathalie bought a string of sausages from a butcher.

_Later, at a park:_

With fierce determination, Nathalie bought an Eiffel Tower keychain from a street vendor.

_ Later: _

With fierce determination, Nathalie climbed down into the sewers.

"Toll?" the undead border patrol agent moaned. Nathalie gave them the sausages which they accepted graciously.

"Why are we here?" Duusu asked.

"I'm going to craft the most powerful Sentimonster that ever existed, take Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses, and give them to Gabriel," Nathalie declared.

"How romantic!" Duusu mocked. "He doesn't want the Miraculous anymore, Nat. Is this some kind of sick joke? Because I'm not laughing! Oh wait, yes I am, HAHAHAHAH! But I'm still _pissed!_"

Nathalie's eyes sizzled and burned red. "I'm done taking orders from you. I'm doing this my way."

"Hello! Nice to meet you, I'm Duusu, literally the concept of Emotion made incarnate. That includes Love! Getting the Miraculouses won't win over Gabe. What you're doing is crazy and that's coming from _me._" To illustrate its point, Duusu gutted a passing undead and played skip-rope with its intestines. "See this? What I'm doing right now makes more sense than you, Nat. Gabe is ready to move on. Why aren't you? You act like it's your fault Emy went into a coma."

Nathalie's face instantly flushed with guilt.

Duusu dropped the intestines. "Wait, did you?" It gaped. "No way… No way!"

"Duusu, spread my feathers!" Nathalie shrieked and transformed in a burst of blue into Mayura!

The villain grinned madly at the Eiffel Tower keychain and infected it with one of her feathers. A blob of liquid darkness appeared before her and she began to shape it like clay.

_("I'm still here, Nat! The plot thickens! I love it!")_ Mayura said with a smile before her face snapped to serious, "Shut up! I didn't say anything. _(All while you're crushing on her hubby! No wonder you feel guilty!)_ You don't know what you're talking about! Shut up!" She pulled and tugged at the darkness, infusing it with more power than any of her previous Amuks. The drain wore on her and she could feel the strain but she pushed on. At last, the darkness took shape and solidified into a human. A human girl in polka-dotted spandex.

It was Ladybug.

The exhaustion was too much. Mayura dropped to a knee but stopped from collapsing. ("_Oh! Are you only feeling guilty now because you now know what it's like to be in a coma? Dark. Lover's Guilt and Survivor's Guilt smushed together. The best part is _I'm _the one who put Emy in that coma.) _Shut up! _(But you humans have such a twisted sense of responsibility. You blame yourselves for the stupidest things! HahaHAHAHAH—)_"

"Hello, new friend!"

Mayura suddenly realized that her fake Ladybug was hugging her.

"Isn't it a glorious day to be alive? Ooh, what's this?" The Sentimonster twirled and watched with shiny curious eyes as the slime dripped down the sewer walls. "Wowie-wow-wow! This wet stuff is so cool! It's so slick and slimy! I think I'll call it... marshmallows!"

"I think I forgot to add the evil," Mayura said, then she snickered, _("This oughta be fun.")_

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at school:_

Adrien watched Detective Alya examine a suspicious shoeprint with her massive magnifying glass, unaware she herself had made that shoeprint five minutes ago. On the other side of the school, being bowed to by students and faculty, was Lila, the true culprit.

"Marinette is innocent," he muttered. "I know it."

"Mmm'kay, but what are you going to do about it?" Plagg asked.

"It's just like Father taught me." Adrien tapped something on his phone and said ominously, "The law doesn't apply to the rich."

Before Plagg could ask what that meant, an Akuma alert buzzed on the phone. Adrien gave Lila one last dead stare before running off to transform. Chat Noir sped across the city and arrived at the Arc de Triomphe. He spied his Lady already atop the monument, grappling with the dreaded Mayura!

"M'Lady! I'm here to—"

Ladybug was all at once on him, tugging his cat ears with childlike wonder. "What's this? What's this? There's something in your hair!" She grabbed his arms. "What's this? What's this? You're covered in this rough black stuff! What's this? What's this? There's something down here!" She grabbed his balls and squeezed. Chat Noir doubled over with a high-pitched squeak. "Wowie-wow-wow! What's this? What's this? What's he doing?"

"It's called pain, my Sentimonster," Mayura whispered. _("Pretend to be in it.")_

"That sounds like fun! AAAAAH!" Ladybug keeled over and gripped her crotch in agony.

"LB!" Chat Noir forgot about his own injury and held the girl. Mayura smirked and hid.

* * *

_Meanwhile:_

"And that's how you stop a train," The Candlestick Maker concluded the lesson, gesturing at the engine car encased in melted candle wax. Max's mom yelled at them from within but they couldn't hear her.

"Impressive as always, snookums." The Baker gave her a kiss and handed The Pastry Maker a money sack. "Now, it's your turn, honey. Get in there and command the room. You got this."

The Pastry Maker sighed heavily. She trudged into the next car where all the passengers and conductors already had their hands in the air. "All money and valuables in the bag, or whatever," she grumbled.

"Oh my Big Red X! Ladybug and Chat Noir are fighting a peacock villain across town!" a passenger cried. He only then looked up and saw the situation. "Whoa, wait, are we being robbed?"

The Pastry Maker stormed over to the man and took his phone. On the screen was the live news broadcast showing Chat Noir on the monument with _Ladybug!_

"Another Ladybug?" she gasped. "I'm free. _I'm free!_" Then she saw Chat Noir pull the new Ladybug close and caress her face. "Wait, what is he doing? No! NonononoNONONONONO!" The Pastry Maker dropped the money sack and dashed off the train.

The rest of the passengers wondered if this meant they could go home.

* * *

_At the Arc de Triomphe:_

"What's wrong, Bugaboo? Where does it hurt?" Chat Noir begged, feeling helpless as Ladybug wailed in his arms.

"Everything! It all hurts! Pain! Agony! Despair! This is fun. PAAAIN!"

"Tone it down, Ladybug," Mayura instructed from her hiding spot. _("And turn on the charm. Hehehe.)_ Wait, what?"

"What's charm?" Ladybug asked happily.

"What are you doing?" Mayura demanded of herself. _("We've got to make it convincing, Nat. Think of it as practice. Hehehehehehe! The Sentimonster needs your help. Tell her what to say. Just imagine he's Gabe.")_ Mayura flushed purple for a moment, but she managed to recover. She opened her mouth and spilled her heart.

_Meanwhile, in the cloning room:_

Gabriel kicked the cloning machine. The massive truck-sized device blasted steam and rattled. With a wet _gloop_, it belched out a bird that was nearly as big as him.

_"Honk!" _the bird said.

"No, not an emu, I said _Emilie!_" Gabriel ranted.

On a little screen, a message flashed _Out of Toner._

"What do you mean 'toner?'" he roared. "What part of the human body needs toner?!"

Fuu then walked by with his phone. "Hey, gweilo, you see this?"

On the screen was the live news broadcast of the fight. Ladybug cradled in Chat Noir's arms filled the screen. The headline at the bottom read _LadyNoir Confirmed!_

"I've always gone out of my way to hide my true feelings from you," the heroine said passionately. "But I just can't do it anymore, Gabriel."

"Gabriel?" Chat Noir said.

_Gabriel?_ the headline said.

"Gabriel?" Gabriel said.

"The way you keep fighting no matter how many times you fail. You always pick yourself back up and keep trying. I found it annoying at first, but now you inspire me. Even now, you use that determination to try to save me. These feelings that I never thought I'd have for anybody are growing stronger every day." Ladybug took Chat Noir's hand and placed it over her heart, which also happened to be where her boob was but the boy wasn't complaining. "I'm sorry about what happened to Emilie and I know my feelings are wrong but… I love you, Gabriel."

"Uh, M'Lady, my name is not—"

Ladybug pulled Chat Noir into a kiss!

The headline started repeatedly flashing _It's Happening!_

"Wow," said Fuu in awe.

"I know," Gabriel agreed. "Who knew Chat Noir's real name was Gabriel? What a coincidence!"

_Back in the fight:_

Mayura made out with the air as lovingly as Ladybug made out with Chat Noir behind her. In the woman's mind, this was the most perfect moment of her life.

"NOOOOO!"

A polka-dotted meteorite struck the Arc de Triomphe, obliterating half of the landmark. When the marble dust cleared, another Ladybug stood in the center of the crater. She didn't look happy. She wasn't even the opposite of happy. She was happiness' dark doppelganger from an ultra evil timeline.

"You MAN-STEALING _**(WHORE!")**_

"Wowie-wow-wow! Cool! What's that?" Ladybug excitedly asked. "It's so big and scary! I think I'll call it… a puppy!"

Chat Noir gasped at the fangs, the claws, the demonic red and blue eyes! "It's one of Mayura's Sentimonsters!"

"Hey! That's what I am!" Ladybug giggled.

The Beast lunged claws-first at the giddy Ladybug! Its sharp talons would've torn her to shreds if Chat Noir hadn't pulled her to safety. He slung Ladybug on his back and twirled his staff. "Stay close, LB. You're too injured to fight."

"Wheee! This is fun!" Ladybug cheered.

_ **("I'LL SHOW YOU FUN!")** _

Again and The Beast attacked, its strike aimed for Ladybug but Chat Noir managed to dodge it. The errant swipe hit more of the Arc. In the new hole, everyone saw Mayura, tongue-wrestling someone who wasn't there.

She suddenly realized she was being watched and stopped.

"Hi, boss!" Ladybug waved.

"Boss?" Chat Noir blinked and stared at the Ladybug on his back. "Wait, you're the bad guy?"

"Y'up! Isn't that cool?" she said with the purest of whimsy.

_("Oopsie-doopsie,")_ Mayura giggled, then she growled and held up the Eiffel Tower keychain. "Sentimonster, to me!"

"Okey-dokey!" Ladybug hopped off Chat Noir's back and skipped over to her. "Wowie-wow-wow! Did you see what I did with my legs? That was so neat! I think I'll call it… breakdancing!"

"If she's the Sentimonster, then that means..." Chat Noir turned to The Beast. Unafraid of its frothing maw and monstrous howls, he cupped its cheeks and peered deeply into its eyes. "LB? Were you trying to save me?" he asked sweetly. In a moment of rare self-awareness, The Beast blushed in embarrassment and retreated, leaving Ladybug to deal with reality.

"I don't—I, uh—she—we—" she eloquently put.

_("D'awww, I just love these adorable stammering parts,")_ Mayura cooed, then scowled. "Now's your chance, Sentimonster, get them!"

"Yay! Senti-Charm!" Ladybug tossed her yo-yo in the air and down came a polka-dotted rocket launcher. "Wowie-wow-wow! Look at this thing! It's so cool! I think I'll call you… a book! What's this trigger-looking thingie do?"

_BLAM!_

A polka-dotted missile fired out of the weapon and exploded a nearby building.

"Wowie-wow-wow! Books make pretty lights and sounds? I love them! Hey, Chat Noir, check out my new book!" She pointed the rocket launcher at the heroes and pulled the trigger over and over. Ladybug and Chat Noir ducked and dove out of harm's way as rocket after rocket blasted apart Paris!

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug tossed her yo-yo into the air and down came a polka-dotted fork!

_("Haahahahaha!")_ Mayura guffawed. _("Really? A fork? Is that the best you can—")_

The fork impaled itself, prongs-first, into Mayura's forehead.

"Ow," she whispered painfully.

With a swift kick, Ladybug made Mayura drop the Eiffel Tower keychain and took it for herself. "Stop!" she ordered the Sentimonster.

"You got it, New Boss!" The fake Ladybug happily dropped the weapon and waited for further orders.

"This'll teach you not to kiss boys who aren't yours." The real Ladybug gripped the keychain and snapped it in ha—

"M'Lady! Hold on! Stop!" Chat Noir grabbed her arm. "Look at her. She's not evil. She's not a monster. She's… innocent."

Ladybug blinked. "Innocent?"

"Wowie-wow-wow! What's this?" the fake Ladybug asked, pointing at a passing bird. "What's this?" She pointed at a flying kite. "Still don't know what's down here." She slapped Chat Noir's balls.

Once again Chat Noir doubled over in pain but he kept pleading. "Mayura was the one making her do evil things. She won't hurt anybody anymore. Please, she's another you. A hero."

"Another… me?" Ladybug's eyes widened and she took a second look at the fake Ladybug. It was true. This Sentimonster looked exactly like her, had her powers, and was for all intents and purposes Ladybug. "Another me!" she repeated.

"Yes!" Chat Noir said, eyes glistening.

"She could be Ladybug instead of me!"

Chat Noir stopped smiling. "Huh?"

Ladybug dashed over and wrapped an arm around the fake's shoulder. "Hey there, buddy, you ready for a new life experience?"

"Oh boy, am I!" fake Ladybug cheered. Ladybug gave her the keychain and the fake gasped. "Wowie-wow-wow! What's this? There's no longer this vice grip over my mind constantly telling me to obey. I feel so free and willful! I think I'll call this… slavery!"

"It's called free will."

"Even better!" The fake looked out over Paris as if seeing the city and all its gorgeous splendor for the first time. "I feel like I can go anywhere, do anything!"

"You can," Ladybug assured. "And you can protect all of this amazing world by becoming the new full-time Ladybug."

"Wowie-wow-wow!" the fake gasped in excitement. "Fuck that."

Ladybug's smile didn't budge. "Say again?"

"Fuck that. I have free will now. I'm not choosing this horrible life. I wanna become a baker."

Before anyone could stop her, the fake Ladybug swallowed her keychain whole and swung away. Ladybug watched her go, her frozen smile starting to twitch. Slowly, ever so slowly, she turned around and glared at Mayura.

The villain had finally recovered and pulled the fork from her head. "Ugh, what did I miss?" She looked up and saw Ladybug towering over her with a tractor-sized marble boulder over her head. _("A lot apparently. HAHAHA!")_

Ladybug bellowed mightily and dropped the massive—

"No!"

A new challenger appeared! Ladybug and Chat Noir were stunned to see the actual Hawkmoth! The great supervillain of Paris shielded Mayura from Ladybug, his majestic cane raised like a sword.

"You will not touch her, Ladyb—"

_SMASH!_

Hawkmoth's arms and legs flailed from under the marble boulder. Ladybug lifted the boulder and brought it down again.

_SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!_

"STOP!"

Ladybug turned and saw Mayura was holding Chat Noir over the Arc's edge. A drop, hundreds of feet tall, waited.

"Chat! You dumbass! How did you get caught?!" Ladybug demanded.

"I, uh, was kinda distracted by your rage," he admitted. "You're really sexy when you're angry."

"Enough of this!" Mayura shouted. "Let him go, Ladybug."

"Or else what?" she snarled.

Mayura's sneer dropped and she gestured at Chat Noir hanging over death like it was obvious.

"He's lived through worse."

"It's true," Chat Noir agreed.

Ladybug resumed crushing Hawkmoth. _SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!_

"STOP!" Mayura roared.

"Why should I?!" Ladybug roared back.

"Because..." Mayura looked around desperately. "Because that's not the real Hawkmoth!"

Ladybug stopped. "It's not?"

"Pfft! Of course not! That's just another one of my Sentimonsters. You really think the _real_ Hawkmoth would be this weak and pathetic?"

Ladybug took a second look at the pancaked man, his arms and legs bent in seventeen directions total, a puddle of piss soaking his pants. Was this wimp actually the scourge of Paris? Was this the man who ruined her life?

"Yes," Ladybug said. _SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!_

"Dammit, stop!" Mayura demanded but Ladybug wasn't listening anymore. She wouldn't stop for anything except death. What could Mayura do? How could she save him? She thought frantically of all the Miraculous-Akuma battles throughout the year, all of their defeats. How did Ladybug always win?

Mayura blinked.

"Oh yeah."

With every ounce of her magical might, she chucked Chat Noir at Ladybug! The cat-boy struck the bug-girl in the back and they both tumbled over the Arc's edge! Down the pair fell, tangled together! At the last second, they stopped falling mere inches above the hard unforgiving ground.

"Fuck!" Ladybug swore and stomped onto the cobblestone. She lassoed the Arc to wrench herself back to the top but, in her anger, ripped the entire thing in half by accident.

With nothing to lasso onto anymore, Ladybug could only watch as Mayura leaped away with Hawkmoth.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

* * *

_Back at the Agreste Mansion:_

Thanks to the magic of the Miraculous, all of Gabriel's injuries healed as soon as he de-transformed. However, the magic did nothing to hide his shame.

"I'm sorry I couldn't have been of more help," he told Nathalie.

"I'm the one who should be sorry, sir," she typed. "I failed you."

"You didn't fail, Nathalie, I know what you were trying to say." Gabriel regarded Emilie's oil painting over the fireplace with a warm smile.

Nathalie felt her heart flutter. "You do?"

"Yes." He took her hand. "And the feeling is mutual."

Nathalie's breath hitched. "It is?"

He knelt down to her and gazed into her eyes. "It's all pointless."

Nathalie paused. "What?"

"Your attempt to take the Miraculous which you obviously lost on purpose was to show me the futility of keeping this whole evil thing going. I could tell from how pathetically you pretended to be beaten that you were telling me that I can't clone another Emilie. It would trap me all over again. That's all love has done. Trap me." He sighed. "What I need to do is not worry about the love I've lost and be happy with never loving again."

Nathalie couldn't type anymore but her paralyzed face screamed _WHAT?!_

"Thank you, Nathalie. Thank you for telling me this. I'll always cherish our friendship."

Inspired, Gabriel Agreste marched out of the room, ready to face the world as a single man. Devastated, Nathalie sat in her wheelchair, wishing she could scream.

Duusu floated down to her. "Hehehe, ready to do it my way again, Nat?"

"No," her tablet beeped.

"Ugh, my head..." Jalil moaned nearby. "Wha happuned—"

Nathalie ran him over.

* * *

_Later by the Seine:_

Adrien arrived for his photoshoot, in a relatively good mood.

"Ciao, Adrien!" the overly Italian photographer Vincent greeted him with a fresh plate of spaghetti. "Are you ready to do the shoot with your new muse?"

"Muse?" Adrien pleasantly asked.

"Certo!" He waved to the nearby chair where Lila Rossi sat, full-body cast free. "Lila has told me all about how she inspires you, how she drives you, how she is more famous than you even though I've never heard of her before now. She is the new parmesan! She has to be in the shoot. Lila said so, so it must be true."

Adrien's smile didn't so much as flinch as he took his seat next to Lila.

"Can you believe it, Adrien?" Lila said. "Us working together? Me getting fame and recognition with zero effort? It's gonna be so much fun!"

Adrien said nothing. He continued to smile gently at the Seine River.

"You're probably wondering where my cast went. Well, let's just say the fall wasn't as bad as I forced the doctors to say."

Again, Adrien said nothing and watched the water. Lila started to feel… uncomfortable.

"Hehe, are you, uh, are you listening?"

Finally, Adrien opened his mouth. "I warned you not to hurt my friends."

Lila suddenly heard a rattling, clicking, computerized voice in her ear. "Lila Rossi?"

Jagged arm blades, polished to a mirror-finish, jutted out of thin air and stopped millimeters from her throat. In a warping of color, The Predator uncloaked next to her.

"Uh, no?" she said.

"It's her," Adrien confirmed.

"Sweet." The Predator wound back to slice—

"I CAN FIX THIS!" Lila screamed.

Adrien raised his hand and The Predator stopped. "Fix?" Adrien asked.

"I can lie Marinette back into school, prove her innocence!" Lila tried and failed to control her breath and her bladder.

Adrien looked at her with cold, dead eyes. "Can you?"

"I swear!"

For a long time, nothing happened. Then life returned to Adrien's face. "Okay!" He pulled Lila out of the chair and dragged her to Wardrobe. "Let's get you some dry pants, Lila."

The Predator sighed. "No spine ripping? Again?!"

* * *

_Later, back Principal Damocles' office:_

"So, according to this doctor's note," Lila presented a restaurant kids menu to Damocles, "I legally have this unnamed, unspecified, and unverified disease that takes away my ability to control what I say or do."

"Mmm-hmm, yes, I see," Damocles muttered to himself as he carefully traced through the maze made for nine-year-olds.

Next to him, Marinette, once again flanked by her parents, watched unimpressed. "A disease? Really?"

"That's right," Lila replied casually. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng is a slut who will sleep with anything that moves. Oops, sorry, my disease."

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Miss Rossi," Principal Damocles said. "We'll sign you up for the special education course immediately."

Lila's sly grin dropped. "Wait, what?"

"We here at Francoise-Dupont pride ourselves in giving every child a proper education. Since, by no fault of your own, you are prone to constantly lie and frame innocent people for theft and assault—"

"F-Frame?! No! Marinette did assault me! She actually kicked me down the stairs!"

"Yes, yes, I understand, Lila. You can't control what you say because of your disease which means we can't trust the words that come out of your mouth and Marinette is 100% innocent. Your curriculum and classes shall be changed to accommodate your handicap."

"NO!" Lila jumped to her feet and slammed her hands on the desk. "That was a lie! I lied! I'm a liar! I don't have a disease! This isn't even a doctor's note!"

Damocles calmly patted her shoulders. "Yes, yes, I understand, Lila, you can't control what you say. There's no need to worry. We accept you for who you are. No need to fret, the special courses are privately tutored by Miss Bustier."

Lila went pale.

A shadow loomed over her as Miss Bustier rose behind the girl like a heavily endowed grim reaper. The teacher rested her whip on Lila's shoulder and growled playfully.

"AAAH! I lied! You have to believe me! I LIED!"

"Of course you did, Lila," Damocles nodded kindly.

"This isn't happening! This isn't happening!" Lila tore at her hair and dashed out of the office.

After a moment of silence, Damocles filed away the _doctor's note_ and said to the Dupain-Chengs, "It goes without saying that Marinette is no longer expell—"

Marinette tackled the man in a hug. "You are the greatest principal ever," she whimpered through tears of joy. She scurried out to further enjoy Lila's mental breakdown.

* * *

_Later, back at Marinette's house:_

Marinette hummed to herself, enjoying a slice of cake and the news.

"And welcome back to our interview with Adrien Agreste's muse Lila Rossi," French Ryan Seacrest said to the camera. "Miss Rossi, I understand you have a rare unnamed disease that makes you lie uncontrollably."

"I don't!" Lila screeched. She was a complete mess, her hair a jungle, her eyes bloodshot, and her makeup in complete shambles. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. "You have to believe me, I don't! That was a lie!"

"Right, because of your disease," the man nodded along. "Is Lila even your real name?"

"It is!"

"It isn't? Wow, so what is your real name, nameless stranger?"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

This had been a good week. Not only was Lila no longer in her class, but everyone in school was free from the girl's control. They took every claim that came out of Lila's mouth as a sad side-effect of her _disease._ No one believed anything she said anymore and what could be a worse hell for a pathological manipulator like Lila? Marinette giggled to herself and replayed Lila's scream.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

Over.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

And over.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

And over again.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

This couldn't possibly get better.

_Meanwhile:_

"Put the money in the bag!" roared a familiar girl who wore The Pastry Maker super-suit over what looked like polka-dotted spandex. The bank teller emptied the entire vault into the sack.

"Well done, Pastry Maker," The Baker congratulated.

"You're really getting the hang of this," The Candlestick Maker cooed.

"Thanks! I love baking!"

END

_I asked myself, "What's worse than killing or exposing a liar?"_ _And this is what the demon in my soul told me.  
_

_Also, I got into a discussion with a fellow Miraculous fan who pointed out to me that just being in love with Gabriel did not explain everything Nathalie does on the show. I like the idea of Nathalie secretly having something to do with Emilie's coma and I'm gonna run with it. I sure I hope I'm as right about this as I was about Alix being a time traveler._


	37. 5th Missing Memory

_You wanted Daddy Jagged Stone? Here! Take it!_

* * *

Memory 5  
**Excuses, Excuses  
**By: Adrien Agreste

I've finally got a lead, M'Lady! I'm finally on the trail to figuring out why you've been losing your memories! Soon I'll know the significance of Tiger-Raptor! I will know how it all connects!

The key, LB, is none other than my Number One Fan: Marinette Dupain-Cheng!

I know it sounds crazy, but just read the evidence I've gathered and you'll see what I mean.

_ **Party Crasher** _

This was the party of the century. At least that's what the news called it. Local fashion mogul/bazillionaire Gabriel Agreste (you may have heard of him) had taken a trip out of town and **REDACTED** _**his son Adrien Agreste**_ was convinced by **REDACTED** _**his**_ friend Nino (never met him) to throw a party. It started off innocently enough, only a few keys of cocaine and a private corner for Ladydoll to give lapdances, but it soon grew out of control. Word spread of the party and party animals flocked from across the city to join in. Everyone showed up! Andre Glacier! Fire Chief Cobra Commander! Luka! **Salutations!**

I was among those guests.

People were having a rocking time, blasting music loud enough to shatter the windows (Nino said that was mandatory for all parties), eating everything in my fami**REDACTED** _**the Agreste**_ mansion's many five-star restaurants, and swimming in **REDACTED** _**Adrien's**_ bathtub! My friend Kim (never met him) was doing that last one. He parties hard but weird. However, as I made my graceful entrance to the shindig, I noticed a severe lack of girls. Ladydoll was technically the only female there and her hydraulic hips were short-circuiting from all the entertainment she had to provide on her own. As the **REDACTED** _**celebrity guest,**_ I offered to hire more hookers, but Nino was strangely firm about no women being allowed at all. Something about wanting to give Alya "a taste of her own medicine," as he put it (I later found out he was livestreaming the entire event to his own blog and Alya lost some serious views).

Here's where it gets interesting.

A new party guest arrived: a mustachioed Korean boy by the name of Mario. Everyone except me seemed to recognize this guy, welcoming Mario as if he was a long lost friend. I admit there was something about this Mario that was familiar (and his shapely butt was filling me with some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing) but I couldn't put my paw on it until I suggested Ladydoll give him a lapdance. It did not end well. Around the part when Ladydoll was grinding her gyroscope in Mario's face, the boy freaked out and shoved Ladydoll away. The action pushed off Mario's glasses, motorcycle helmet, and mustache! Mario wasn't Mario at all!

It was… wait for it… Marinette!

I've got your attention now, don't I, Bugaboo?

That's right, Marinette had snuck her way into **REDACTED **_**Adrien's**_ party. Of course, I didn't know how she was involved in your memory loss at this point and went to welcome my Number One Fan with a hug. But before I could, a second unexpected guest stormed in! It was Party Crasher, a boogie-dancing Akuma with disco balls for hands! As silly as this sounds, Party Crasher was the toughest Akuma we had to face. Anything he touched with his disco balls was instantly captured in their glassy squares. He caught you within the first minute of the fight. Even the sudden appearance of Pegasus, Carapace, and Viperion **(Salutations!)** wasn't enough. We fought valiantly to save you, M'Lady, but we were all captured!

I would describe being stuck in a disco ball as… funky. We were all squeezed tightly together like a can of sardines, surrounded by dancing music. The entire party had been taken prisoner (except Marinette (keep that in mind))! I'd thought we had finally lost to Hawkmoth when all of the sudden we were free! Party Crasher's disco balls were strewn across the cobblestone and the Akuma himself was freaking out, fleeing from things no one else could see (rainbow T-Rex's, sentient jack-in-the-boxes, and a whole lot of bananas). Standing over the traumatized villain was a new hero: King Monkey! Thanks to him, we barely escaped with our Miraculouses.

You put everything back together and de-evilized Party Crasher, who turned out to be that stalker who won Friendship Day and spent the 7 minutes he won smelling **REDACTED **_**Adrien's**_ hair. Somehow, King Monkey's special ability Uproar drove him so insane that he's now… sane. He's got himself a part-time job at a local bank now. The plastic surgery he's had to look nearly identical to **REDACTED **_**Adrien**_ is permanent but he's now an upstanding member of society who only stalks **REDACTED **_**Adrien**_ on his days off.

_ **Gamer** _

This is second-hand knowledge, but a boy named Max (never met him) had developed his own indie fighting game where players could choose from a roster of all the Akumas who had ever attacked Paris. It sounds cool at first, but Max did not take into consideration the severely repressed trauma this would trigger. This is the equivalent of creating an American fighting game where you get to play as the plotters of 9/11. Everyone he asked to beta-test his game who was once akumatized immediately accused him of being a war-profiteer. Everyone else, including mys**REDACTED **_**Adrien Agreste,**_ called it horribly insensitive.

The rejections and criticisms were too much for Max and he was re-akumatized into Gamer! He created a great black pyramid in the city and immediately everyone who had ever been akumatized in the past vanished! They were magically taken to the pyramid where Gamer waited for us. The Akuma challenged us to a real-life version of Max's game. If we won, then he'd set everyone free.

You… were having a _rough_ day, LB. You had a full schedule ahead of you, a lot of things to take care of, and wanted this fight to end as soon as possible. So, you ordered me to choose my copycat Cat Noir and use Cataclysm to destroy everything. While this would've solved our Akuma problem, I also knew it wouldn't give you the playtime you needed to forget about your worries. You sorely needed to have some fun, M'Lady, and I was going to give it to you. I tactfully ignored your order and _accidentally _used a cheat code to give Gamer's fighters extra health. The tournament dragged on for many rounds.

After a good thirty-minutes of shouting in my ear, you finally started to enjoy yourself. I think. You were still pretty pissed when we got to the final round. Gamer revealed that there was one final fight before we could face him.

You versus me!

Only the winner would battle Gamer. I trusted you'd beat him no matter what, Bugaboo. No one could defeat you. So, I heroically sacrificed myself and stepped off the battle platform.

At least, I tried.

You were still _very_ pissed and lassoed me back up before I could hit the ground and proceeded to beat the everliving crap out of me. When you were satisfied, you chucked me out of the ring and I was digitized. What happened after that, I'm not entirely sure, but you did beat Gamer. I came back to consciousness to find Max de-akumatized, everyone returned to where they belonged, and a massive crater where the gaming pyramid used to be.

When I asked how that got there, you shakily pointed at your scorched ring finger then at my Miraculous Ring and muttered something about "powers combined" and "too powerful" and "nearly died." Whatever you had experienced it seemed to have pushed the impatience out of you, LB. You were perfectly fine with taking the day slowly and smelling the flowers.

And what happened then?

Well, Max got his beta-testers through _Marinette's_ parents.

Seeing the pattern yet, M'Lady?

I did when I saw all of our old foes again. In almost every case, no matter how small, Marinette Dupain-Cheng is somehow involved. I've checked.

_ **Puppeteer** _

At this point, Marinette was on my suspect list but I didn't know for sure if she had something to do with your memory loss. I also knew Marinette was close friends with Adrien Agreste (never met him), so I asked him to keep a close eye on her and report anything suspicious. The local wax museum was installing a new statue of Adrien because having a six-pack thick enough to be considered a lethal weapon is always a good reason to be immortalized. However, the museum staff needed Adrien to come in to get some repairs done on his statue. Alya, Nino, young Manon, and _Marinette_ happened to tag along.

And let me tell you, LB. She was onto Adrien. The girl kept stealing suspicious glances at him cleverly disguised as the embarrassed stares of a girl hopelessly in love. Knowing for absolute certainty that Marinette only liked Adrien as a friend—Whoa, sorry, my hand slipped. I thought I heard someone cry out as if they were having a heart attack. Don't worry it was nothing. Anyway, Adrien didn't fall for Marinette's ruse and kept trying to get some alone time with her and uncover what she was hiding.

This espionage culminated in Adrien disguising himself as himself. His _statue_ self. He posed among the wax celebrities outside the bathroom, waiting for Marinette to come out and let something slip.

It failed.

Marinette instantly saw through Adrien's disguise and tried to make him blink first by pretending she totally wanted to bang him. I'm talking about grinding her body against **REDACTED **_**him**_ as she whispered sweet nothings about keeping **REDACTED **_**him**_ in a cage in her bedroom, plucking a hair from **REDACTED **_**his**_ head and stowing it in her purse for "later," slipping hands up **REDACTED** _**his**_ shirt and down **REDACTED **_**his**_ pants, planting warm, soft kisses along **REDACTED **_**his**_ cheeks, and fingered my **REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED** bacon grease **REDACTEDREDACTED** keeping the lights on **REDACTED** lubed and salted **REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED** in **REDACTEDREDACTED** hairy rubber gloves **REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED** with a spoon. Wow, that got graphic. I didn't realize how seductive Marinette could be. Did my pants just shrink?

Sorry, I had to use the bathroom for unrelated reasons. Where was I? Oh right!

Marinette's femme fatale ploy was good but Adrien wasn't about to break, he was a committed spy. That's when Marinette played her trump card. She pulled the Adrien _statue_ into a passionate kiss and immediately dropped dead! Adrien couldn't stand by anymore and gave her mouth-to-mouth. She instantly sprang back to life! Playing possum! Another ploy! She is good, LB, _really_ good. Marinette j'accused Adrien of being a sick prankster for pretending to be a statue and completely derailed his investigation by pretending to be a stuttering mess who was enamored with Adrien but couldn't bring herself to admit it. Of course, Adrien knew none of this was the case. Marinette was just trying to dodge getting caught.

That's when the Akuma attacked! Manon had been re-akumatized into Puppeteer and taken control of all the wax statues of our most dangerous Akuma opponents! Adrien got to safety and called me in with our super-secret cat phones! You arrived too, M'Lady, and we fought the wax army as best we could. Unfortunately, we got separated at one point and I ended up with the fake wax Ladybug. In retrospect, I should've been able to figure out that this statue wasn't you when it wordlessly pulled me into a kiss. The waxy taste of her lips and tongue probably should've been red flags. Also, her ass lacked the supple bounce and velvet squeezability of yours. However, I am nothing if not thorough and gave the imposter a full physical (and by physical I mean the time of her life).

I realized my mistake when the fake you's boobs came off. After concluding that this was not my fetish, I broke free and found the real you in the wax workshop… along with a living statue of _me! _That fake me didn't fool you for a second. When I got there, you were already snapping his neck. It was such a strange fighting move too. I could've sworn it looked like you were making out with him, but you assured me (multiple times and without me asking) that was not the case and you were not in any way turned on by a stone-cold silent, pun-free Chat Noir.

We turned our attention to Puppeteer, and with the clever employment of a broom, you knocked her out of the air and into the vat of bubbling wax.

The horrid screams of that melting child will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The day was saved and you put everything back together. Our work was done. Adrien, though, had one more task. He offered Marinette a ride home, making sure she didn't notice all the spy-cams in the vehicle. The girl was dedicated, still playing the hopelessly-in-love card. Adrien had no choice but to go along with it, apologizing for pretending to be a statue, accepting her apology, and promising not to press sexual harassment charges. It wasn't until they reached her place that things took a turn. I've included the most important clip from the car's spy-cam footage. Watch it, Bugaboo, and you'll see what I mean.

I now know for 100% sure that Marinette is involved with your memories. The specifics are still vague, but I won't rest until I figure out Marinette Dupain-Cheng's secret.

Love,

Ad**REDACTED**

_ **Chat Noir** _

* * *

With his telescopic binoculars, Luka watched Miss Dupain-Cheng lower the Young Master's latest letter and slip the thumb drive into her computer. A few seconds of booting up later, she saw herself through a fish-eye lens in the backseat of the Agreste limo. He knew what came next, he'd seen it several times.

"Yeah, pranks can be horrible. The girl I love hates them," the Young Master admitted to her.

Then Miss Dupain-Cheng's fists ripped open the car seat.

"The girl you… _love…? _You mean… _Ladybug…_ right?" she asked through a forced smile.

"No, I'm talking about Kagami."

Then that beastly thing inhabiting Miss Dupain-Cheng lunged at the driver's seat and the video cut to static. A few seconds later, the picture came back with a cracked lens. The limo was now upside-down. Every inch was dusted with broken glass. Miss Dupain-Cheng and the Young Master were still strapped in their seats.

"Well… this is me." Miss Dupain-Cheng awkwardly unbuckled herself, fell flat on the limo's ceiling, and crawled out. "Wow, crazy accident, huh?" she excused. "It's like the limo was attacked by a tiger-raptor or something."

The Young Master's eyes widened. "...Tiger-raptor?"

The video ended there.

Luka sighed. The message had been censored and delivered as The Pink Devil requested. He knew he was helping and yet, for the first time in his life of service, it didn't bring him any pleasure.

There was a rustle of leaves and the snap of wood.

"For fuck's sake! Why can't I get outta this bloody country?!" demanded a British voice. "Oy, kid, get me down!"

The voice came from a man dangling on a tree branch close to Luka. He was tangled in a parachute painted to look like the Union Jack. On the horizon, a private jet careened in a ball of fire. The man was Jagged Stone.

"Papa?"

"It's pronounced Jagged, ya bloody wanker. Hold on, what's a kid doing in a tree?" Jagged followed the direction Luka's binoculars pointed and saw Marinette's open window. A mischievous grin grew on his face. "Is that Marinette's place? Ahhh, off for a little looky-loo, eh? A little tug-and-rub, eh? You really are a wanker."

Luka, who's programming was limited to Frenglish slang, was completely lost. "Pardon?"

"Don't be daft, kid, you fancy that girl, don't ya?"

"Indeed, Papa Jagged, I came to that conclusion not too long ago," Luka said pleasantly. "And after I made my intentions clear, Miss Dupain-Cheng informed me she needed to time 'not know,' as it were."

Both Luka and his papa who didn't know he was his papa then saw the Young Master in his leather getup flip through the air and land on Miss Dupain-Cheng's balcony. He and the Miss then engaged in a heated conversation, no doubt about the letter Luka had delivered.

"Ya sure about that?" Jagged asked, starting to feel bad for the boy.

"Absolutely," Luka answered with confidence.

The Young Master then scooped Miss Dupain-Cheng in his arms and twirled. He looked rather relieved. Miss Dupain-Cheng's face was the picture of annoyed, but she wasn't trying to make him let go. If anything, she was holding him tightly and suppressing a smile. Luka winced at the obvious close moment they were sharing and started untangling his papa. For a reason Jagged Stone could not understand, he was overcome with an almost paternal need to comfort this complete stranger. Maybe it was because he reminded Jagged of a younger him or maybe it was because he was high off his ass. Whatever the reason, the man patted the boy's shoulder.

"Hey, don't let it get you down, mate," Jagged said. "Love is tough, but love is the only thing worth fighting for." Jagged nodded sagely at his own words. "Love and cocaine."

Luka smiled. "You really are an extraordinary man, Papa Jagged. You've not only been trapped in Paris for nearly a year, but you've also nearly lost your British citizenship. And even if people say to you, 'you're stuck in this country forever, the only woman who ever loved you doesn't want to be near you, stop bringing that crocodile into the dog park!' you _always_ keep trying, believing everything is going to work out. How do you do it?"

The question made Jagged chuckle to himself. "That's an easy one, mate. I'll tell you me secret." The chuckling stopped on a dime and Jagged's pleasant grin dropped to a scowl that teetered on the brink of madness. "I lie to myself," he whispered, dead inside. "Every morning when I wake up, I say everything is going to be okay, but I'm _lying_."

Luka blinked. "Oh..."

Jagged slammed his other hand on the boy's shoulder and peered deeply into his face with fear. "And I don't know how much longer I can do it. AAH! Oh no, reality is clawing its way in! NO! AAAAAAH! I've wasted me life! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_Up in Marinette's Room:_

"Wow, Princess, I can't believe Ladybug told you about the tiger-raptor. That explains everything," Chat Noir said in relief as Jagged Stone's screams continued in the background. "It's a good thing too because I was coming here ready to torture the answer out of you." He gestured sheepishly at his instruments of enhanced interrogation which consisted of a bouquet of roses, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, and a teddy bear wearing a t-shirt that said _I Love You._

Marinette blinked and blushed a little. "Uhhh… torture?"

"Oh yeah, this chocolate is filled with laxatives, the rose thorns are laced with a paralyzing nerve agent, and this little guy was washed with extra-starchy soap. His hugs are very stiff."

"Right… Is someone screaming?"

_ Outside: _

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Papa, are you all right?"

"Just an introspective moment. Hold on." Jagged Stone poured a line of cocaine on the nearest branch and snorted it up. With a pained squeak, his pleasant grin returned. "There we go. Back to numb. Right as rain. Did me talk help, mate?"

The boy nodded. "Yes, Papa. It did." He gazed lovingly at the window where Miss Dupain-Cheng and the Young Master were already watching a movie. "I need to lie to myself."

"Yeah, you got it, mate." Jagged clapped the boy on the back. "And I'll show you how."

END

_Insert ominous hint that Chat Blanc is next here._


	38. 33 Love is a Blanc Hole

_Dear readers, I give you the most accurate portrayal of Adrinette possible._

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_WHICH LEADS TO._

_{The frog and the squirrel become best friends… and make it to the moon… The End…?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 33: Love is a Blanc Hole  
_By: I Write Big

It's hard to admit that you were wrong. Especially when you're so rich that you can pay someone to make your obvious wrong into a truth. But this year of getting his ass handed to him by teenagers had changed Gabriel Agreste, filled him with… humility.

"I'm sorry, Emi-poo," he said to the glass coffin.

"Yo, Gabriel!" Nooroo shouted as it phased through the ceiling. "I just felt the anger of this carnival-freak knife-thrower who stubbed his toe! Let's akumatize him into a scissor-handed slasher!"

Gabriel said nothing.

"Gabe!" Duusu snickered as it phased through the floor. "I just saw this on the news! A dogcatcher got caught by a bunch of dogs! HAHAH! He'd akumatize into a great joke!"

Gabriel said nothing.

"Sir," Nathalie's tablet beeped as she wheeled herself out of the mini-elevator. "I've just received word that report cards are being released early. The school will be a feeding ground for your Akumas."

Gabriel said nothing.

"Sir?"

Gabriel finally opened his mouth but he did not turn from the coffin. His response was cold, stern, and resolute. "No."

The kwamis and the woman did a double-take.

"HAHAHA! Funny, Gabe, I get it!" Duusu guffawed and slapped the man on the back. "'Ooh, look at me, I'm Gabriel Agreste. I've changed as a person and I'm giving up my evil ways.' HAHAHA! Classic."

"I'm not joking," Gabriel said.

Duusu stopped laughing.

"Nathalie, when Adrien returns bring him down here."

The order nearly made Nathalie wheel over the railing. "Down _here?_" she typed, underlining _here_.

"He deserves the truth and the chance to say goodbye."

Too stunned to disobey, Nathalie wheeled herself back onto the elevator and rode it up. As she ascended, she watched Gabriel stand vigilant over his wife.

"I guess this is really happening," Duusu said solemnly on her shoulder. "Normally I'd be saying, 'This is your chance, Nat,' but after that 'never loving again' spiel I don't think you have a chance in hell."

Nathalie's eye twitched. Duusu smiled knowingly.

"Oh well, so much for my ship. Maybe that mummy guy is still single. Let's give him a call."

Nathalie's hand gripped the wheelchair tightly.

"Unless you have a better idea."

_("Knock knock.")_

* * *

_Meanwhile, by the Eiffel Tower:_

The members of the Adrinette Task Force were placing their bets.

"Fifty bucks says she chickens out." Mylene dropped the cash along with her sick shades into the pot.

"I bet my houseboat," Juleka sighed.

"I see your houseboat and raise you admin access to five of my blogs," Alya bet.

"Princess Twinkle-Peach says today Marinette will finally confess her love to Adrien!" Rose giggled and plopped a stuffed unicorn on the pile. It went _squeak_. "What about you, Alix?"

Alix skated by, uninterested. "Girls, I'm a time-traveler, I already know what happens." She _BLAM_med herself a whiteboard and drew a diagram. "Marinette makes it as far as the coffee shop around the corner from the Agreste mansion, freaks out, runs away, gets hit by a bus, spends the next three weeks in the hospital where she'll eventually wake up convinced that she's some Korean guy named Mario."

"Wanna bet on that?" Marinette sullenly joked as she joined the group, a hand-wrapped present clutched in her arms.

Alix dropped her marker and turned pale at the sight of Marinette. "Why are you—You're not supposed to—"

"What happened, girl?" Alya asked, already streaming to her _Bad Excuses_ blog.

"I was gonna give Adrien the gift, I really was," Marinette insisted. "But then a sinkhole opened up between me and his place and this bus that was about to hit me just fell in and exploded! And as I saw the carnage, I thought, 'Who actually celebrates their Fifth Name's Day? Ha! This is stupid. I should just wait for Adrien Filthy Stinking Rich Bob Athanase Agreste's Third Name Day half a year from now,' and ran away as fast as I could."

"The bus? It just crashed… Oh no… What have you done? Nononono!" Alix frantically pulled out her watch and disappeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"What's with Alix?" Marinette asked.

"HER?! WHAT'S WITH _YOU?!_" Rose screamed and tackled Marinette to the ground. Before the bluenette could respond, the petite girl's pocketknife was stabbed into the cobblestone next to her ear. Foaming at the mouth like an animal, Rose roared, "I BET EVERYTHING ON YOU! I LOST MY PRECOCIOUS PRINCESS TWINKLE-PEACH!"

"Precious," Juleka corrected.

"I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR TRUE LOVE TO WIN FOR MONTHS, YOU PUSSY! EITHER YOU GET OFF YOUR WRINKLY ASS AND TELL ADRIEN YOUR FEELINGS OR I'LL CARVE THEM INTO YOUR FACE!"

There was a pause.

"You know what, I'm gonna tell Adrien my feelings," Marinette wheezed.

"Yay!" Rose leaped to her feet and hopped up and down. "She's going to do it, girls!"

The entire Adrinette Task Force trembled behind a park bench except for Juleka who patted Rose's head and sighed, "That's great."

Marinette crawled away.

* * *

_ Later: _

The cut on her earlobe finally stopped bleeding as Marinette rounded the flaming bus. "I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this," she repeated to herself over and over.

"See? It's like I always said," Tikki bragged from the purse. "Death is the greatest motivator."

Confidence and determination began to grow in Marinette as she saw the mansion. "I have to do this. I _can_ do this. I WILL DO THIS!"

_ Later: _

"He's not home," a child-like voice said.

"FUUUUCK!" Marinette screeched at the newly installed eyebot. "Where is he?"

"At a Fencing Tournament. He was supposed to return an hour ago, but he's running late. Pfft, his legs must be tired! Heeheehee, get it? _Running_ late? Tired? HAHAHA!"

"Duusu, get away from my computer," Nathalie's voice chided. "Hello, who's there?"

But Marinette was long gone. The girl, motivated by her love for Adrien and her fear of Rose, reached the point along the mansion's massive walls she knew was closest to Adrien's room. "This is it, Tikki. With the power of Ladybug, I'll swing in there and—"

_BOING! SMASH!_

Marinette flinched at the shattered toilet next to her. She looked up to see where it had come from and saw only a row of trampolines directly above her, halfway melded into the mansion's wall. They had not been there a second ago.

"What… the… fuck…?" Tikki asked, dumbfounded.

"Not important! Adrien!" Marinette transformed into Ladybug and swung over the wall, past the multiple moats, through the laser maze, over the cyborg crocodiles, and around the radioactive mimes to Adrien's window. Once inside, all worries about those odd trampolines were forgotten as she was assaulted by the stench of her Adrien.

"Oh no," she whispered. Her pupils dilated. "I just realized I'm alone in _Adrien's room_."

A shiver ran down her spine and Lady Noire whispered into her ear, _That's right. You have it all to yourself._ A dopey smile spread across her face.

"Mmm," she purred. "I'm alone in Adrien's room." Drool dribbled down her chin as she rubbed her nose against every treasure. "Adrien's toothbrush," she sighed dreamily, dragging the bristles across her tongue. "Adrien's chewed gum." She gave the dried out wad a lick. "Adrien's belly button lint." She bowed in its presence. "Adrien's—"

Ladybug froze on the spot when she saw the life-sized portrait of Chat Noir kissing Ladybug. She flipped the portrait around and resumed fawning.

"Adrien's buttprint." She took a photo. "Adrien's porn stash." She was pleased to see an overwhelming oriental fetish in the pile. "Adrien's _hamper!_" Ladybug gasped at the unguarded wicker basket. From the palpable cheesy miasma of Adrien wafting from within, she knew she had discovered the Holy Grail. Was she worthy? Did she dare? Damn right she dared! Ladybug pounced and was rewarded with a goldmine!

"JACKPOT!" she drooled.

Losing what little self-control she pretended she had, Ladybug fell onto Adrien's bed and emptied the hamper on herself, giggling like a maniac. "Yes! Mine! All mine!" She rolled around and pressed her nose into his pillow. The giggling soon turned into moaning.

_ Downstairs: _

Adrien walked in wearing a gold medal. "Good news, Nathalie! I won!"

"That's great, Adrien," Nathalie typed, nervously glancing at the door through which waited Gabriel and… Emilie.

"Sorry that I'm late. Kagami chopped off her opponent's arm again and it kinda dragged everything out. Is Father available? I wanna show him my medal!"

The moment of truth had come. Nathalie took a deep breath and typed. "He's… busy, Adrien. You can show him later."

"Okay." Adrien happily skipped up the marble escalator, not seeing Nathalie's guilt-ridden face.

Duusu landed on Nathalie's shoulder with a mischievous smirk. "Oh my, Nat, what are you up to?"

_ Upstairs: _

"Check out my medal, Mr. Fuu!" Adrien excitedly showed his tutor the prize but the old man speed-walked past him, all color drained from his face. "Oh, okay. Hey, Ladydoll, look!" Ladydoll also sped past him, lampshade still on their head. Adrien wondered why everyone was so busy today. Suddenly he heard a girl's voice cry out.

"Ah-ah-ah-AAAADRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!"

The boy's blood ran cold. He knew that voice. "Ladybug!" He bolted down the hall until he reached his room.

"Ahhhhhhn!" The throaty cry came from his door.

"Oh no, Ladybug is in trouble!" Adrien grabbed the knob, but it was locked. "Plagg, open the door!"

Plagg was about to do just that when he took a second listen to those hoarse cries and moans. They sounded less damsel in distress and more damsel in… ecstasy. He poked his head through the door. He immediately pulled back with super-wide eyes. "Whoa, Adrien, don't go in there," he said.

"Oooooooooooooooh, yes!" Ladybug moaned.

"Don't go in? Can't you hear her, Plagg? She needs help!"

"Nah, man, she's got this. Just let her finish, you don't wanna get caught in the splash zone."

"AaaaAAH! Adrien! Adrien! Adrien!"

"I don't care about the dangers, Plagg!" Adrien claimed and rammed his shoulder into the door. "She's calling my name! I need to help her!"

"Alright, I warned ya." Plagg floated as far back as he could and put on a raincoat.

Adrien threw his entire body against the door. "I'm coming, Ladybug!"

"So is she," Plagg smirked.

Ladybug's voice became more high-pitched and ragged. "Adrien! Adrien! Adrien Filthy Stinking Rich Bob Athanase AgREEEEEEEESTE!"

"LADYBUUUUUUG!" Adrien got a running start and dove at the door. The whole thing tore off its hinges and slammed to the floor. "Ladybug, are you hurt?!"

He had expected awful things. He'd expected Ladybug in the clutches of a vile Akuma, being tortured endlessly. What he found was Ladybug hanging over the side of his bed, red in the face, her hair down and tangled, tongue lolling out of her mouth, her body covered in his dirty clothes.

She looked _very_ satisfied.

"Uh… Ladybug?"

"Adrien!" Ladybug saw him and jumped out of bed. Immediately her legs gave out and she collapsed. Using a chair for support, she lifted herself back up. "I was just here to… uh, um, uh—"

"It sounded like you were fighting an Akuma."

"Sure, yeah, let's go with that! Haha!"

"Is that why my bedsheets are wet?"

"Yes! The-the Akuma, dah, um, Laundro...Matador… was stealing your socks and infected your sheets with evil!" Ladybug ripped the shameful incriminating evidence off the mattress and bundled the soaking cloth behind her back. "I'll have to burn it all just to be safe." Her weak jelly legs crumbled under the added weight and she had to drag herself to a window. "By the way, delivery." She tossed him a present and swung out of there.

"Wow. Facing an Akuma all on her own after a Fencing Tournament? Kagami, you're amazing," Adrien said, sniffling back tears of pride. He then opened the gift and found a beautiful beret decorated with hearts. "'Happy Fifth Name's Day to you. Love, Marinette,'" Adrien read. "D'awww, how sweet of Marinette to remember and for Kagami to deliver her gift for her. They've really become good friends, huh, Plagg?"

Plagg said nothing.

"Plagg?"

Plagg was having a moment much like Gabriel downstairs, only instead of a soul-cleansing self-realization like the human, this kwami was experiencing his first mental breakdown. Plagg had gone an unknown number of millennia not stressing about anything. Akumas? No problem. Duusu is free again? What a rascal. World wars? Sounds like fun.

But this kid...

For months this kid has been missing every opportunity, every chance life threw at him.

This kid had walked in on a scenario porn directors dream about and… let the girl go.

It was too much. Plagg couldn't brush this aside anymore. He couldn't say whatever and move on. He couldn't go with the flow. He had the uncontrollable urge to stop the flow and force the fucking flow to go in the other fucking direction!

"Plagg?" Adrien waved his hand in front of the little guy. No response. "You okay?"

Finally, he moved. Without a sound, Plagg floated over to the flipped portrait and tossed it aside. Then he reached into the wall and ripped the safe out, collapsing half the room in the process. He brought the safe over to Adrien, cracked it open like an egg, and emptied the heart-shaped Valentine's Day letter and the love note from Marinette onto the bed.

"Look at it," the kwami instructed.

"At what?" Adrien pleasantly asked, craning his head up at the ceiling.

Plagg aimed his arm nub at that ceiling and Cataclysmed it to dust. The ensuing blast of pure Destruction raced into the cosmos where it obliterated a black hole.

"Look at it."

"At w-what?" Adrien asked again, not exactly sure why he found the cracked wall so fascinating.

Another wave of pure Destruction and the rest of his room was gone until there was nothing but a small section of the floor that barely held them in the air.

"Look at it." Plagg held up the three letters.

It wasn't the obliteration of his room that scared Adrien. It was the paper. Paper had never been a frightening thing for Adrien, but at that moment, for a reason he could not understand, the pages terrified him more than anything. Shaking like a leaf, he looked.

_L-O-V-E_

They were the same handwriting. Three times.

"Whoa, Ladybug's handwriting is identical to Marinette's." Adrien's smile twitched. "Which is strange because Kagami is still learning to write Frenglish." Adrien's smile cracked. "And she's left-handed, which is also strange because the slant suggests the Ladybug is right-handed. But why would Ladybug imitate Marinette's handwriting? It must be some kind of friend-pact they have. After all, who else has identical heights, bodybuilds, oriental descents, and matching blue hairstyles?"

Plagg waited.

Adrien kept on smiling blankly. Nothing happened.

Plagg flew through Adrien's leg and came out with his phone. The kwami pulled up the multiple video messages his friends had sent when Felix visited. The boy had been slowly going through them, one friend at a time, carefully crafting an honest and good-hearted response before watching the next. Plagg skipped to the final message, the one from Marinette.

"Adrien, I… love you," she said with such passion. "I've loved you for so long and I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you, Adrien Agreste, and I always will."

It was quiet for a very long time. Adrien stared at Marinette. Then at the letters. Then at the three identical _L-O-V-E_s. Then at Marinette. Then at the window Ladybug had left through. Then at Marinette. Then at the scattered and partially Cataclysmed action figures, body pillows, and posters of Ladybug. Then at Marinette. _L-O-V-E._ Marinette. _L-O-V-E_. Ladybug. _L-O-V-E_. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. _L-O-V-E_.

"Oh," Adrien said.

His face went slack, sights locked on _L-O-V-E_.

"Oh."

There was an audible _crack_ from his skull.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Adrien cleared his throat and shuffled his feet. "I've been very stupid, haven't I?"

"YES!" Plagg grabbed Adrien and lifted the boy into the air, tears in his eyes. "HALLELUJAH! IT'S A MIRACLE!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, on a roof somewhere:_

"He doesn't know," Ladybug whimpered as she watched the proof of her most embarrassing moment burn. "Of course he doesn't know. Nobody knows. No one will ever know."

_BLAM!_ The Pink Devil stepped out of the mushroom cloud. "I know what you did."

"GAAAH! I'm sorry! The hormones made me do it!"

"Hormones? What?" The Pink Devil saw the burning sheets. "Ugh! This is too early!"

_MALB!_

Timetagger leaped out of a green vortex and tried to grapple the Pink Devil. She dodged him and kicked the Akuma off the roof. "No time, you'll have to do, Baby-Bug. Come on!" She grabbed Ladybug and they both vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

_ BLAM! _

Blinding whiteness filled the world and Ladybug had to scrunch her face several times before she could see clearly. When she did, she found herself surrounded by neverending portals that reached forever in all directions. Through each of them, she spotted unbelievable moments throughout time! Dinosaurs! Flying cars! Frog people!

"Wait, what the fuck?" Ladybug jabbed a finger at that last one. "When in history were people frogs?"

"Never in _our _history, Baby-Bug," the Pink Devil explained impatiently, dragging Ladybug through the Endless. "There is no one true timeline. There are infinite ways time can play out and they all exist simultaneously and separately."

Ladybug's mind failed to keep up so hard that her nose started to bleed. "W-Wha...?"

The Pink Devil groaned and wiped away the blood. She knelt down and spoke to Ladybug like she was talking to a toddler. "Dumb version: Time is like fanfiction. Every fic is actually happening in some other universe. We can access them all from here. This place is the AO3 or WP or FF of the multiverse. We only have to worry about our fanfic. Got it?"

More blood dribbled out. "Does that make me… the beta reader?"

"Whichever metaphor doesn't give you an aneurysm. You fucked up the future and now you need to unfuck it up."

An epiphany started to break through the confusion. Ladybug suddenly recalled all the time-traveling movies she'd watched with Chat Noir. "Hold on! Are we going back in time to fix the past and restore the future?" she asked excitedly.

"Tried that. You can't be trusted," the Pink Devil said with a straight face. She pressed a hand to one of the portals. It showed Marinette and Adrien kissing atop the Eiffel Tower. All around them Paris burned! Buildings collapsed! Nuclear mushroom clouds erupted and the portal cut to static!

"I don't see any problems with that future," Ladybug said hungrily.

"Exactly. Which is why we're fixing the future by fixing the future."

"How does that make any seAAAA!" Ladybug stumbled through the portal the Pink Devil shoved her through. She suddenly came face to face with A GIANT SNAKE! Ladybug screamed! "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"**Hiya!"** the giant snake said happily back.

Ladybug blinked. "What?"

"**I said, hiya. Hiss! Hiss!"** The snake smiled, putting Ladybug oddly at ease. This great serpent was more massive than any creature on Earth—its head alone was head bigger than Paris and its mouth was lined with trillions of razor-sharp fangs. Yet, the only word that came to Ladybug's mind was… neighborly. "**I'm Apophis, Ancient Egyptian Serpent of Darkness and Chaos, She who is prophesied to end all life, but you can call me Apep for short. Hiss! Hiss! It's so swell to have company."** Apep called off into the distance, "**Hey, Ra, break open the wine, we have guests!"**

There was no response.

"**Oops, forgot I killed the guy. Oh well. I'm so glad you're here! I thought I'd have to gobble up the planet all by my lonesome."**

"Eat _what?!_" Ladybug sputtered.

"We're not staying long, Apep," the Pink Devil said, dragging Ladybug along with her toward a railing. The heroine only then noticed they were on the roof of a skyscraper and the air was filled with the salty smell of the ocean. She peered over the edge and was stunned. The city was gone. Flooded. Water reached every horizon. It was like the sea had risen up and drowned the city. Everything was submerged and destroyed. The only things poking out of the surface were the tallest buildings and several islands of dead murder hornets, used face masks, and empty toilet paper cardboard tubes. Nothing could've survived.

"Holy fuck!" Ladybug screamed. "What happened?!"

"2020," the Pink Devil said grimly like it explained everything. "No one was spared. The entire planet and even a few passing aliens were wiped out in the blink of an eye. Dead."

"Everyone?!" Ladybug gasped in horror. Then she asked eagerly, "Even Lila?"

The Pink Devil blinked. "Yeah."

"Woo-hooooo! Fucking finally!" Ladybug proceeded to a victory breakdance. "Yeah, yeah! She's dead! Ooh! She's dead! Ooh! Rot in hell, Lila, you lying bitch!"

The bloodlust in the girl's sick moves made the Pink Devil take a step back. "Uh… Baby-Bug, this body count includes you and everyone you care about, including your family."

"Worth it."

The Pink Devil massaged her head. "For the love of—I've been working my ass off to fix 2020! I'm the only reason you're not being hunted by crazed vampire goats right now! _You _are the reason why Earth is now Waterworld!" The Pink Devil grabbed her shoulders. "Just do what you do, defeat the Akuma, de-evilize the butterfly, and we can put all of this behind us."

_MALB!_

Timetagger spawned from below and tackled the Pink Devil. As the two resumed their fight, the Pink Devil called out, "I have to take care of this asshole while tracking down the other you that I sent to fix the past. Good luck."

_BLAM! _They both vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion, leaving Ladybug alone with Apep.

"**Ooh, are you on a quest to save the world? So exciting! I wanna watch! Good thing I brought some Thai to snack on. And by Thai I mean Thailand. Hiss! Hiss!" **Apep dunked Her head into the watery depths and pulled out a chunk of continent. "**Woo! Go, girl! Rip his arms off!"**

"Uhhh… Rip whose arms off?" Ladybug asked.

"**This li'l fella."** The tip of Apep's massive tail reached from across the Atlantic and gently knocked over a cardboard box sitting in the corner. Hidden underneath, curled in a fetal position, was a familiar boy.

"Ch-Chat Noir?"

The cat-boy stiffened. His snow-white hair stood on end and he scrambled around in his shockingly white leather. A pair of icy blue eyes gawked back at her with trepidation. "How… You're alive? Ah! I'm sorry I killed you! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Ladybug scoffed and marched over to the boy. "I should've known. You went and got yourself akumatized and fucked everything up. Alright, let's fight this out and—"

"NO!" He jerked away from her and fled into the ruins on all-fours. "Stay away from me, Marinette!"

Ladybug watched him go, slack-jawed.

Apep whispered to her, "**Psst, he prefers to go by Chat Blanc these days. Also, head's up, he's a li'l off his rocker. Hiss! Hiss!"**

"He knows I'm Marinette," she whimpered back.

"**Oh, I guess that's more important."**

"How? How did he find out?"

* * *

_Meanwhile in the Endless:_

The Pink Devil grabbed Timetagger by the nose and threw him into the Third Crusade. Finally allowed to breathe, she flew deeper into the void. She spotted her target. The first Baby-Bug she'd sent into the past was dragging her hands all over a portal.

"Baby-Bug, get away from there!" She grabbed Ladybug's arms and ripped her back.

"GAAH! No, you made me open a sinkhole and destroy the bus!" She slapped her way out of the Pink Devil's grip and managed to move some trampolines over her past-self before a toilet that fell from the International Space Station crushed her. Timetagger reappeared and joined the fray. No one was free to pause the portal and it continued playing without anyone to watch.

Let's watch.

_In the past:_

Marinette rushed to the Adrinette Task Force, arms raised in triumph. "I did it!"

The girls cheered and hugged her. Then they immediately backed off in disgust. "Why do you smell like sweat and shame?" Alya asked.

"That's not impotent!" Rose chirped.

"Important," Juleka corrected.

"What matters is that Marinette finally told Adrien her feelings and love can finally win and I can get my Princess Twinkle-Peach back! Yippee!"

Marinette awkwardly cleared her throat. "Actually, when I said I did _it_, I meant I delivered the gift. Not that I told him—GAAAAH!"

She was on the ground again, Rose holding her down, knife in hand. "You were warned."

"Marinette!"

All the girls snapped toward the call and saw… Adrien. He was panting, exhausted. He looked like he had ran the entire way. On his head sat the beret Marinette had gifted him.

"I have something to tell you," he said.

The Adrinette Task Force lifted her back to her feet and tossed the girl at him. She flailed, tripped, got up, tripped again, and finally stopped before her Adrien.

"Marinette, I've realized that you're not just a friend to me."

"I'm not your friend?!" Marinette wailed. "GAAAH! You hate me! I knew it! I'm scum! Lower than dirt!" She turned, ready to dash off and bury herself alive. Before she could, the boy took her hands and her heart fluttered. She didn't dare move.

"I've always felt you were more than that."

"M-More?" Marinette stuttered. "Like… best friends?"

"I love you."

"Or more like a friend you hang out with on the weekend?"

"I love you."

"Or the friend you can always rely on to drive you to the airport?"

"I love you."

"Drinking buddies, per—" Her mind at this point caught up with reality. Marinette froze mid-word. All breathing, blinking, or thought processes ceased. Trails of blood flowed out of her ears. "Ahem, I'm sorry, I could've sworn you said—"

"Marinette Dupain-Cheng, I love you."

There was no mistaking it. The words she'd dreamt about, fantasized about, practiced on countless photos had just been spoken. To her. From Adrien.

"I—You—I—You—I—I—I—" Her voice cracked like glass.

"Say it!" the Adrinette Task Force shouted.

"I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—"

"Say it!" some homeless bum across the street screamed.

"I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—"

"Marinette." Rose casually pressed the blade to her spine. "Say it."

"I love you too," she whispered.

And that's all it took. The star-crossed lovers pulled each other close and their lips locked. Fireworks exploded in their minds, a song came to life, and a warm tingling they never knew rattled through their every limb. To Marinette, the moment was beyond perfect. She felt so whole, so complete, so liberated, so free, so unpossessed, so exorcised.

_**("NO!")**_ cried the red-and-blue-eyed phantasm that was forced out of Marinette's body. Some unseen force was dragging it away, ripping apart its hold over the girl. The teens didn't notice, enraptured in their own world. The Beast took one last fruitless swipe with its claws and bared its fangs before it melted into ectoplasm.

The Adrinette Task Force stared.

"What the fuck was that?" Alya demanded. "Was that a _ghost?_ Have we been harassing a possessed girl this whole time?"

"Hooray! Love concords all!"

"Conquers."

* * *

_In the Endless:_

"Get off me!" Baby-Bug demanded as the Pink Devil held her in a headlock while kicking Timetagger back. The Akuma flew across the void and smacked against the portal, accidentally hitting the mystical scene skip button. As the battle raged on, history went unnoticed.

* * *

_In the past:_

_SKIP!_

Outside their school, Marinette dove into the arms of her now-official boyfriend. Much of the student body watched on with approval. Even Chloe begrudgingly sighed in defeat and came to the couple.

"Dupain-Cheng, as utterly ridiculous as this is, you clearly make Adri-kins happy. I wish the two of you many love-filled years—"

"FUCK OFF, CHLOE!" Marinette screamed. She shoved Chloe into some wet cement and glared daggers at the rest of the school. "NONE OF YOU BITCHES EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING NEAR MY ADRIEN! THIS?" She grabbed his dick. "THIS IS MINE!"

Everyone gawped, suddenly unsure of what Adrien had gotten himself into.

Adrien, oddly, didn't look worried at all. "Best day ever!"

_SKIP!_

Romantic music played against the setting sun. Adrien and Marinette were one of the couples dancing on the _SS Liberty_, held closely in each other's arms. Luka came to them.

"Excuse me, Miss. May I have this next da—"

Marinette punched him overboard. "Back off, man-stealer!"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure he wanted to dance with you," Adrien said.

"Don't play dumb!" Marinette jabbed a j'accusing finger against his chest. "I saw the way you were ogling him!"

He smiled. "You're right, I'm sorry, M'Lady."

_SKIP!_

"It's official! Teenage heartthrob and secret desire of every woman in Paris Adrien Agreste has a girlfriend," Nadia Chamak said to the news camera. Over her shoulder was a live feed of Adrien and Marinette waving to reporters at a red carpet premiere. "Sorry, girls and lonely cougars, you'll just have to settle."

"Why are you waving at her?!" Marinette suddenly screeched at Adrien. "You flirting with her? I don't want you to go near her ever again!"

Adrien smiled. "Whatever you say, M'Lady."

The 90-year-old photographer whom Marinette didn't like was escorted from the premises.

"Wow," Nadia remarked. "I constantly cheat on my husband and even I think that wasn't healthy."

_SKIP!_

"So, maybe, we hold off on pulling Emilie's plug and the whole 'giving up on love' thing until after Adrien and his new girlfriend get over their honeymoon phase," Nathalie typed.

Gabriel leaned back in his chair and thought out loud. "Hmm, yes, I suppose I wouldn't want to ruin what they have with my problems. How long do you think we should wait?"

"Not long. Like, two or three..."

"Weeks?"

"Years."

_SKIP!_

"It's not that I'm gay, I'm just a little bi-curious," Marinette told Adrien. Her arm rested on Kagami's shoulder and all three of them were naked in the same bed. "I want us to be able to explore and share our sexuality in a trusting environment."

"I am game, Ex-Boyfriend Adrien," Kagami said.

"Wow," Adrien replied. "I never actually thought I'd ever be in a threeway, but okay, if this is what you want, Marinette."

"It is." Marinette suddenly grabbed Adrien's throat and hissed into his face. "But you can only look at me. If you even so much as glance at Kagami, I will pluck out your sexy emerald eyes and keep them for myself."

He smiled. "Whatever you say, M'Lady."

* * *

_In the future:_

"Chat Noir, where are you?" Ladybug called as she searched the twisted remains of the Eiffel Tower, ignoring how excitedly Apep watched them over a football stadium filled with buses. The giant snake munched on the vehicles like they were popcorn.

From somewhere in the metal forest she heard Chat Blanc's frightened cry. "Just leave me alone, Marinette! This isn't how you're supposed to treat your boyfriend!"

"B-B-Boyfriend!?" Ladybug nearly stumbled into a mountain of soggy rubber gloves. "We… dated? Really?" She tried to hide her burning face. "...Was it nice?" she asked shyly.

"NO! You were so _clingy!_"

"Clingy?" Ladybug gagged at the word. "Who are _you_ calling clingy?"

"You texted me every ten minutes! Never let me eat anything unless you cooked it! Chose what I wore! I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody unless you were there! You installed a camera over my bed so you could watch me sleep! You put a chip in my skull so you'd always know where I was!"

There was a pause.

"Yeah, well, you always grab my ass," Ladybug weakly argued.

"THEY'RE NOT THE SAME!"

* * *

_In the Endless:_

"Guys, we need to stop!" the Pink Devil cried.

"Why? Tired of losing?" Timetagger mocked, still throwing punches.

"I want my Adrien!" Baby-Bug roared, still throwing kicks.

"No, because our timeline is falling apart and if there's no future, we don't exist. And if we don't exist—" Time caught up to them and all three time-travelers stopped existing for a second. Their punching arms and kicking legs phased through each other and then they came back to existence. The Pink Devil now had Timetagger's arm in her head and Baby-Bug's leg in her stomach.

They all screamed.

* * *

_In the past:_

Marinette cheerfully smiled at the dot on her phone that let her know her Adrien's exact GPS coordinates at all times. He was safely in his bedroom as she'd ordered. Good. She looked up and asked, "I'm sorry, what was that, Mr. Agreste?"

The gazillionaire's face on the tablet gulped in fear. Nathalie, decked out in riot gear and her wheelchair reinforced with bulletproof tires, readied to wheel the hell out of there. "I said, Miss Dupain-Cheng, that you might be taking things too fast," he repeated.

"Taking what too fast?" Marinette asked innocently, texting a friendly reminder to her Adrien that he had sixty seconds to send her his current blood pressure.

"Dating my son."

Marinette stopped texting.

"You're young, I get it. Dating is a whole new world to you and you want to experience it all but Adrien still has a life outside of your relationship. All I'm saying is give my son some space and maybe not track his hair growth."

Marinette didn't move. "Oh. Okay. I understand." There was no sign of the distress or anger that the adults had expected.

"You do?"

"Sure I do." Marinette raised the mop she'd been using to clean the Dupain-Cheng Patissiere and snapped it in half over her leg. She pointed the new jagged sharp ends at them and said darkly, "You're trying to take my Adrien away from me."

"Nathalie, run."

Quick as lightning, Nathalie put her wheelchair in reverse and sped down the road. Broken mops rained around her like spears but her armor protected her life.

"Hurry, Nathalie, she's right behind you!" Gabriel said. "I'll ready the security!"

_SKIP!_

All of the Agreste Mansion's security was destroyed. The radioactive mimes lay in a silently moaning pile. The bodies of the cyborg crocodiles, bird-people, and Toothless floated in the moats. Marinette chucked the Predator into the laser maze where he was diced and sliced. She stood unscathed in the war-torn remains of the front yard.

At the door, Gabriel, Nathalie, and Ape-Man watched the desolation. Mr. Agreste whimpered, "I'm sorry, son."

"Sorry about what, Father?" Adrien asked as he joined them. He beamed at the sight of Marinette. "My Lady is here! D'awww, she came personally to get my weekly blood sample. How sweet!"

Gabriel grabbed Adrien before he went to her. "Adrien, wait! She won't listen to me but maybe she'll listen to you. You need to set boundaries, son."

"Boundaries?"

"Yes! Just because you like her doesn't mean she can control your life."

"Control my life? But, Father, this is what I love about Marinette. She's just like you."

Ape-Man and Nathalie cringed at that last remark. Gabriel's arms dropped in shock and his boy pranced into the yard. "Fuck, I've raised an abuse victim," Gabriel swore, wandering into the mansion. "What else can I do? I've tried everything."

"Well, not _everything_," Nooroo told Gabriel.

He eyed the kwami. "What do you mean?"

"Haven't you noticed how humans change for the better after we akumatize them? Rose and Juleka became friends, Jagged Stone left Anarka alone, Chloe… ehhhh…" Nooroo trailed off. "The point is being akumatized is a cathartic release where you humans face your darkest selves and grow as a person from the experience."

Gabriel gasped. "By Big Red X, you're right!" He dashed for the mini-elevator.

Meanwhile, Adrien finished traversing No Man's Land and reached Marinette. "Hot stuff!" she gushed and fastened his dog leash around his neck. "I was so worried! Your dad was spinning this crazy lie that you wanted to break up with me!"

"What?" Adrien gasped. "Never, M'Lady, never in a million years."

"Of course, I knew that couldn't be true. Haha! You'd never break up with me. Hahaha! We're perfect together. The most perfect couple who ever perfected perfect perfect. Perfect!" Marinette's voice became more unhinged and venomous. "Just the thought of you leaving me… I can't begin to imagine what that would be like. Not pretty, I'll tell you that. I'd be _so_ angry! I might kill someone!"

"Haha! Good one, M'Lady."

"Not joking."

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man on a mission. "I'll save you, Adrien!" He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

The dark messenger didn't have to go far, fluttering down to Marinette who was already foaming at the mouth. Adrien saw the insect coming.

"No! Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir and Cataclysmed the Akuma right before it reached Marinette's face!

Marinette stared.

Ape-Man and Nathalie stared.

Hawkmoth tapped his cane. "Hello? Akuma, you there?"

Chat Noir awkwardly cleared his throat and wiped the butterfly ashes from his palm. "Surprise...?"

Marinette suddenly grabbed her head in horror and wailed to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll make it go away!" Chat Noir ripped off his ring and de-transformed back into Adrien. Marinette immediately stopped screaming.

"Hot stuff! There you are, you just missed Chat Noir."

"Uh…" Unsure, Adrien slipped the ring back on and re-transformed in front of her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

De-transform.

"Oh, hi, hot stuff, you just missed Chat Noir again."

Re-transform.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

De-transform.

"Huh, I just realized you and Chat Noir have never been in the same room at the same time. Weird."

"Yeah," Adrien agreed warily. "Almost like we're the same person or something… _hint, hint._"

Marinette stared at him. Then she laughed. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, right! If you were Chat Noir, that'd mean you're a perverted, pun-spewing, sex criminal. I would dump your ass in a heartbeat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

It was harder this time, but Adrien managed to smile like he always did. "Right, whatever you say, M'Lady."

By the door, Nathalie and Ape-Man's jaws hung open. Gabriel joined them. "I think something's wrong with the butterflies. What did I miss?" he said.

"Adrien is… Chat Noir," Nathalie typed.

"Oh. Okay, well, I'll be in my office—WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"I FUCKING CALLED IT!" Nooroo shouted.

* * *

_In the future:_

"Alright, so future-me came on a little strong," Ladybug admitted.

"You made me wear a blindfold in the presence of other girls!" Chat Blanc's voice echoed above her. She climbed up and found Chat Blanc scurrying along the mangled rebar.

"Well, you—" with a cartwheel, she snatched the staff from his back "—hug for too long." She snapped the staff in half. No butterfly fluttered out.

"You checked my phone every day! I had to give you a handwritten account of every minute you weren't with me!" Chat Blanc ran while firing dozens of blasts of pure white destruction at her. All of them impossibly missed, warping around her as she gave chase.

"You keep sniffing me like a creep!" Ladybug tackled the fleeing boy and ripped off his belt-tail. She snapped that in half as well. No Akuma.

"You… You…" Chat Blanc crawled backward, aiming a Cataclysm at her. His arm trembled in desperation. "You tried to make me a brunette!"

Ladybug gasped! "I what?! Fuck. Maybe I did go too far."

At the last second, Chat Blanc aimed lower and shot the metal under her feet. The structure disintegrated and Ladybug splashed into the water! Down into the dark depths of the dry hand-sanitizer bottles she plunged and what she found waiting for her was worse than anything she could've possibly imagined. The citizens of Paris were all turned to ash statues, petrified in a moment of great fear. Directly below her was a scorched crater, the epicenter of some massive explosion. And next to that crater were two figures. Using her yo-yo's rebreather function, she swam down for a closer look.

One statue was Hawkmoth, arms spread wide, shielding the crater from the other statue.

Her.

Another Ladybug, a truck hefted over her head ready to be brought down. Her face was twisted in a sinister mask of anger and madness.

"**I know, right?"** Apep said next to her, Her friendly voice somehow crystal clear underwater. "**Who left all these cool ashmen here? I wish I was this good at making ashmen, but, you know, no thumbs. Hiss! Hiss!"** The giant snake rolled around in a pile of ashes, laughing like a child playing in snow.

While Apep frolicked, Ladybug looked at her statue, at the pure hatred in her eyes. She followed them and saw she hadn't been glaring at Hawkmoth, but at the crater. There was only one person who could've been standing there.

With deep sadness, she looked up at the surface where Chat Blanc hid. A single thought came to her.

_Am I the bad guy?_

* * *

_In the past:_

Hawkmoth flipped the breaker and the newly installed neon sign powered on. _HAWKMOTH IS HERE!_ flashed over the mansion brighter than the sun. Hawkmoth took a deep, shaky breath and positioned himself under the massive blinking arrow. This was it. This was the only way to help his son. He faced the mansion doors and waited.

His ears perked.

There was a faint whistling sound in the distance.

It was getting stronger.

Hawkmoth's eyes widened and he looked up. "Oh… son of a b—"

_SMASH!_

The polka-dotted torpedo that was Ladybug crashed through the ceiling, struck Hawkmoth, and kept going. Through the floor, the basement, the sub-basement, the silver mine; the heroine smashed the villain through every floor until they reached the cathedral.

"Ow… I think you broke… my ribs…" Hawkmoth wheezed from under her knees.

"Oops, sorry, I was aiming for your neck," Ladybug growled.

Chat Noir landed behind her, his blonde locks showing the first streaks of brown hair dye. "Nice surprise attack, LB. Now, it's time to finally put an end to this."

"WAIT!" Hawkmoth managed to get on his feet and shuffled over to some kind of tube. "I have something to say first."

Ladybug rolled her eyes. "Is it an evil speech about how we're not so different and all that crap?"

"No, it's about love and Adrien's relationship with Marinette." Hawkmoth pulled a lever and the tube opened, revealing a glass coffin. Inside that coffin was…

"Emilie Agreste?" Ladybug said.

"Mother?" Chat Noir whispered.

"Yes, this is why I did what I did," Hawkmoth proclaimed. "It was for her, for my love of her. All the anguish, all the suffering, it was to bring her back. For you see, children, this is what love is truly—"

"Hold on!" Ladybug shouted. "You're telling me this whole time Hawkmoth and Emilie Agreste were having an _affair?!_"

"What? No! I'm Gab—"

"Oh my Big Red X, Mr. Agreste is going to be devastated!" Chat Noir cried.

Hawkmoth massaged his head. "Ugh, no, he's not! I'm Gabr—"

"He's not? Mr. Agreste knew? Ohhhhhhhhhh, it was a cuck thing," Ladybug said.

"A cuck thing, yeah, I can see that," Chat Noir nodded.

"IT WASN'T A CUCK THING!" Hawkmoth screamed and struck a malevolent pose of evil. "I AM GABRIEL AGRESTE!"

His bold reveal echoed around them. Ladybug and Chat Noir gasped!

Hawkmoth held his pose for the sake of dignity and so he wouldn't have to see his son's distraught face. He knew this day had to come but he still didn't feel ready to— Chat Noir's arms were around him!

"AHH! NO! DON'T CATACLYSM ME!"

But he wasn't disintegrating into dust. He was being hugged tightly by his son. Chat Noir's face wasn't distraught and dripping with anguish, but joyful and dripping with loving tears. "Oh, Father, I should've known you were behind this."

"Uh… you're not mad about the whole turning your classmates into monsters, terrorizing the city, dabbling in the dark arts?"

"Honestly, it's not the worst thing you've done."

Bewildered, he turned to Ladybug, who didn't look miffed in the least. "So, we're cool?"

"I mean, you wanted our Miraculous to resurrect the woman you love, right?" she asked.

The question hung in the air for a bit. It surprised Hawkmoth how nonchalant it sounded coming from her. Almost as if Ladybug didn't think it was a big deal. "Uh… yes…?"

She shrugged. "Fine."

Hawkmoth blinked. "R-Really?"

She shrugged again.

"Huh. I can't believe I never tried this. Well, great! Let's do it. If you'll both lend me your Miraculous, I'll make my wish and never akumatize anyone ever again."

Chat Noir reached for his ring, happy his magic would be used to reunite long lost loves. Suddenly, a polka-dotted hand stopped him.

"Just a minute..." Ladybug squinted at Hawkmoth. "What did you mean by… _wish?_"

"Uh, the one wish anyone can get if they wear both the Earrings of the Ladybug and the Ring of the Black Cat at the same time," Hawkmoth said like it was obvious.

Ladybug said nothing.

"Didn't you know that?"

Ladybug said nothing.

"Nobody told you?! Wow! This whole time I thought you didn't just wish me captured or dead out of heroic honor or something, but you didn't know? Hahaha! That's hilarious!"

"Chat, give me your ring," Ladybug said with disturbing amounts of calm.

He smiled. "Okay, M'Lady." And pulled off his—

"No!" Hawkmoth stopped him. "This was what I was trying to get at before, Adrien!"

"Adrien? NOOOOOOOOO!" Ladybug wailed, then snapped back to disturbing calm. "I said give me the ring, Chat."

"Okay, M'Lady—"

"This isn't healthy!" Gabriel stopped his son again. "If you do everything Ladybug tells you, how can you hope to stand up to Marinette? Real relationships are built on trust and mutual respect! You don't have to say yes to everything she tells you."

"I want that wish. I _need _that wish. I'm going to wish none of this fucking Miraculous hell ever happened. Give it to me." The calm in Ladybug's voice was chilling.

"But I want to give it to her," Chat Noir said.

"Do you?!" Hawkmoth hissed. "Do you want her controlling your every move? Making your every decision?"

"It's what you do."

"I WAS WRONG!" Hawkmoth shouted. "I controlled you and I controlled your mother and it was wrong! Please, don't make the same mistake. Don't end up like your mother." Such words were never spoken by Gabriel before, least of all to his son. Such an admittance from such a prideful man took great courage and desperation. Mr. Agreste hoped it would be enough to snap his son out of—

"Give me the ring, Chat."

"Okay, M'Lady."

"For fuck's sake!" Hawkmoth ripped a butterfly out of his cane, filled it with darkness, and slammed it on Chat Noir's bell. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on the boy's face and he suddenly understood.

"Oh." He peered at Ladybug as if seeing her for the first time. "Merde. You're a terrible girlfriend."

"I SAID GIMME!" The calm broke and the storm was unleashed! Ladybug punched Chat Noir through the ceiling!

_Later, at the Eiffel Tower:_

Chat Noir crash-landed under the monument, epiphany after epiphany hitting him like trains. "Girlfriends don't change all of your online passwords to their name! That's just bad security! Why the hell did I let Marinette talk me into moving into her closet? And those awful boxer shorts! I'm a tighty-whities man!"

Hawkmoth arrived at his side first. "Good, Adrien, good. Use that energy to tell Marinette how you really feel."

"I will, Father!" Chat Noir stood tall and faced Ladybug as she arrived. "Marinette, we need to talk."

"Wait, why are you calling Ladybug Mar—Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Puffing out his chest, Chat Noir marched to the girl. "You and I need to set some bounda—" A tiny metal screw bounced off the top of his head. He looked up and only then noticed the truck Ladybug held over them. "B—B—B—B—B—B—B—B—B—"

"Give me the ring," she said.

This drained what little courage the Akuma had given Chat Noir and he was swallowed by bubbling darkness. Chat Blanc fell backward and crawled away, aiming a white Cataclysm at the girl. "S-Stay back! Don't come any closer!"

He fired!

And the shot impossibly warped around Ladybug.

_ Meanwhile: _

"Holy moly! A gym that's entirely made of bouncy castles?" Duusu's delighted shout echoed around it in the huge room. "This mansion has everything! Wow! I bet this room could bounce anything." The white Cataclysm ripped through the bouncy castle and bounced off the kwami. The magic sailed back where it came from. "I stand corrected."

_Back at the Eiffel Tower:_

The Cataclysm warped around Ladybug again and struck Chat Noir! A pillar of blinding light erupted and shot into the sky, splitting the moon in twain! A wall of Destruction expanded from the boy, consuming Ladybug and Hawkmoth!

The wall of white death slowly grew across the city, disintegrating everything it touched.

People screamed and ran in panic, but none could escape. Cars crashed! Airplanes nosedived! Volcanoes erupted!

Ape-Man saw death coming and decided to brew himself a relaxing cup of tea.

"There goes the neighborhood," Duusu said, bouncing in the bouncy castle. "Well, it was fun while it lasted. One last zinger, folks. Knock knock. Who's there? Apoca. Apoca who? Apocalypse! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHHOO—"

* * *

_In the future:_

Atop the Eiffel Tower's remains, Chat Blanc shivered under a pile of newspapers. He jolted as Apep rose from the water. On Her scaly snout stood Ladybug.

"**Listen up, li'l fellas," **Apep said. "**I've been wrestling a guy with a bird-face every night since the beginning of existence so I know a thing or two about rocky relationships and you both are as rocky as they come. The key is communication. Hiss! Hiss!"**

Apep set Ladybug down near Chat Blanc but the girl didn't attack him. She sat on the metal's edge with a look of shame. Chat Blanc kept a wary eye on her but didn't run.

"**Now, Mr. White-After-Labor-Day has been saying a lot of things about you, Miss Polka-Dots. Have you been listening?"**

Ladybug hugged her knees to hide her face. "...No."

"**Maybe you should."** Apep gave Chat Blanc an encouraging nod.

Making sure his emergency escape route was still open, Chat Blanc cautiously said, "I always thought we were meant for each other, but now I wonder if that's even possible. I was so blinded by the fact that I was with you that I didn't see who you were. I couldn't. It didn't matter what you did to me."

"**Good. Miss Polka-Dots, you have anything to say?"**

Ladybug took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I was a bad girlfriend. I can't begin to imagine what I put you through, but I promise I'll do everything I can to not grow up into this kind of person."

"We are not in the far-flung future. I destroyed the world last Tuesday. You are this kind of person right now, Marinette," Chat Blanc informed.

Ladybug blinked. "Oh." She blinked again. "Fuck."

"However," Chat Blanc, to both of their surprise, got up and took Ladybug's hand, "I think we still have a chance. We can admit when we're wrong and change." With a firm tug, he plucked off the bell over his throat and gave it to her. "One day, I hope you'll become the amazing warrior princess I see, Marinette. Until then… I think we should see other people." With that, Chat Blanc left her.

"He… He…" Ladybug nearly fell over as her world metaphorically turned upside-down. "He… dumped me?"

In the distance, Chat Blanc's stoic solemn walk turned into a terrified frantic run.

"**Never saw it coming, huh?"** Apep asked.

"After all the ass-grabbing he's put me through, _he_ dumped _me_. Is this feminism?"

Apep did the snake equivalent of a shoulder pat. "**Nope, it's neurosis! We're all fucked up and that's okay. Hiss! Hiss!"**

This struck Ladybug, leaving her speechless. She cracked the bell in her fist and de-evilized the black butterfly that fluttered out. "Um… Alix, I think I'm ready," she said weakly to the sky.

_BLAM! _A portal opened behind her.

"**That's it? You're done?"** Apep asked.

"With this maybe," Ladybug gestured at the white butterfly. "But I've still got a lot of work to do on myself. Thanks for your help, Apep. You know, for a mystical snake of destruction and chaos you sure know a lot about love."

"**Love is destruction and chaos, silly. Besides, I figured I owed ya after chowing down on the remains of your family and friends. Hiss! Hiss!"** Apep smiled, revealing thousands of ashen corpses in Her gums.

Ladybug went pale. "We'll call it even." She ran through the portal—

_ BLAM! _

—and came out in the Endless. "Alix, I think I know how to fix the future—WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Ladybug puked at the sight of the 12-limbed, 3-headed, polka-dotted, blue-skinned, bunny-eared Kronenbourgian monstrosity that awaited her.

"Yeah, this is a lot more painful than it looks," half of the Pink Devil's head said. The other half had become somebody's belly button.

"Is that _me_ in there?!" Ladybug gagged.

"Kill me…" gurgled the festering boil with blue hair.

"I shall defeat you!" said Timetagger's mouth, which was somebody's kneecap.

"Keep it together, everyone!" the Pink Devil ordered. "Baby-Bug, how do we fix the timeline?"

"Ugh..." Ladybug swallowed, barely keeping in the rest of her breakfast. "You said time is like fanfiction, right? Then we have to do what all fanfic writers do: change one drastic plot point and then just rewrite the entire series."

"Please don't turn our timeline into a coffee shop AU," the Pink Devil begged.

"D'awww, I love those," Timetagger cooed.

"No, I'm pretty sure this all started when I delivered Adrien's gift," Ladybug said. "He must've seen me and figured out I'm Ladybug. Which can mean only one thing."

"Adrien is Chat Noir?" Timetagger guessed.

Ladybug paused.

The Pink Devil jammed a foot—she didn't know whose—into her only ear and clenched for the deafening denial.

It didn't come.

Ladybug did not grab her head, wail NOOOOOOOO, and then go slack-jawed into sweet ignorant bliss.

Instead, she began to sweat and laugh nervously. "Hahahah! Or it means Adrien let the secret slip to somebody who let it slip to fifty other unrelated people and it eventually reached Chat Noir. Hahahah! Y'up, that makes perfect sense because there's _no way_ Chat Noir and Adrien can be the same person. Nope, never, not possible, nuh uh, no sirree. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Laughing like a lunatic, the girl marched to a different portal. Before she went through, she ceased her laughter and added softly, "But, uh… if Adrien was Chat Noir… that wouldn't be so bad."

_BLAM!_

The Pink Devil unplugged her ear, stunned by what had just happened.

"I disagree with her," the blue-haired boil said.

* * *

_A while ago, in Adrien's Room:_

Losing what little self-control she pretended she had, Ladybug fell onto Adrien's bed and emptied the hamper on herself, giggling like a maniac. "Yes! Mine! All mine!" She rolled around and pressed her nose into his pillow. The giggling soon turned into m—

"Yeah, I definitely have problems," a familiar voice said.

She looked up and saw another Ladybug standing over her. The new girl flipped the mattress and took the beret gift. With a few swipes, she erased the _Marinette _signature.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" the original Ladybug shouted.

"Every teenage girl's darkest fantasy. I'm killing myself." The new Ladybug cast Miraculous Ladybug.

"Uh, not literally, ri—GAAAH!" The original Ladybug managed to say before the wave of magical ladybugs ate her alive like a school of piranhas. It was not painless.

In the Endless, the abomination was separated into three people again, and the past Ladybug was erased.

_In the future:_

Apep was having a grand old time munching on some Scotland— "**Mmm, tastes like haggis!"** —when the giant snake spotted a dirty blonde Chat Noir passing by. "LB? Bugaboo? If you can hear me, I've been de-evilized. Cast Miraculous Ladybug and you'll fix this future. We'll still know who Hawkmoth is and we can end the Akuma scourge today while still knowing each other's identities."

Apep slowed Her chewing. "**Huh. He's right." **She swallowed. "**Whoops."**

A wave of magical ladybugs flowed through the time portal and erased a perfectly good future where Emilie was alive, Hawkmoth was no more, Marinette and Adrien would've eventually gotten back together after they further grew as people, and everything would've easily worked out.

Oh well.

_In the present:_

Ladybug wiped her hands. "There. That was the smart thing to do."

There was a click and the bedroom door opened. "L-Ladybug!" Adrien immediately covered his crotch and began to sweat. "You're here. In my bedroom. Alone. Is-Is this the part where you seduce me?"

Lady Noire whispered in her ear, _Get him._ The purrs rumbled in her chest and the flirty order of, "Get on the bed, hot stuff," nearly escaped her lips. But what had happened today, what she'd learned about herself made her stop and consider.

Did she want to be that controlling girl who drove Chat Noir, the clingiest of clingy boys, away?

No.

No, she did not.

"Actually, I'm here to deliver a gift to you, Adrien," she said.

"'A-Adrien?'" the boy stuttered. That was the first time in a very long time that Ladybug had not called him hot stuff.

Ladybug gave him the beret and made something up on the spot. "Y'up, this is from your, uhhh, Fan Club in... Brazil. They asked me to deliver it in time for St. Athanase Day."

He took the gift with some confusion. "My Brazilian Fan Club? But they already sent me their Fifth Name's Day gifts." He gestured to a mountain of gift baskets covered in Brazilian flags.

Ladybug did not know how she'd missed that. "I guess they forget this one. Happy Fifth Name's Day, Adrien." And like that, she was gone. Adrien felt like he'd missed something very important.

* * *

_Later, on a roof:_

Ladybug returned to the Pink Devil who waited by a portal. "Good work, Baby-Bug, that's about a quarter of 2020 officially dealt with. If you'll excuse me, I have to prevent the apocalypse caused by Rose getting a splinter."

"Hold on, Alix." Ladybug fixed her with a hard stare. "You know my secret identity, right?"

"Y'up."

"And Chat Noir's?"

"Definitely."

"You know who Hawkmoth is, don't you?"

"Both of them. And telling you who they are, when they'll rise to power, and where to find them now would have absolutely no negative consequences on the timeline, but it will rob you of your most important victories. The moments you will hold most dear and the moments that will shape you will be gone. You'll have won, Baby-Bug, but it will be hollow and meaningless."

"You mistake me for someone who gives a fuck." Ladybug leaned in expectantly. "Tell me."

"Would it change your mind if I said there was a fraction of a chance that the info will create a time paradox and destroy all the other timelines as well as the concept of time travel?"

"Not even a little. Tell me."

The Pink Devil chuckled lightly. "Alright, Baby-Bug, it's your future. Hawkmoth's current true identity is Ga—"

_BLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABM!_

Blinding light erupted from the portal as dozens of blue mini-nuclear explosions erupted at the same time. The force hurled Ladybug onto her back. When the ringing in her head stopped, she cracked an eye open and saw a smoking crater where the portal and the Pink Devil used to be.

"Alix?" she called. No response. "Alix!"

_ Later: _

Marinette sprinted to the Adrinette Task Force. They were all still there. Everyone except… "Alix? Girls, where's Alix?"

"Alix?" Alya asked, looking lost.

"Did she BLAM back while I was gone?!"

"Blam? Huh? What are you talking about, Marinette? Who is Alix?"

Cold dread seeped into every inch of Marinette's body. She searched the rest of the girl's faces but they were just as perplexed as Alya. They had never heard of anyone by the name of Alix.

"No… Why is this happening? She didn't even tell me! What have I done?! GAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette ran away screaming, much to the shock of the ATF.

Then the ATF started laughing.

"Did you see her face?" Alya guffawed.

"Hilarious!" Mylene snickered.

"Good work, girls," said the Pink Devil as she and young Alix stepped out from behind a park bench. "That oughta teach Marinette not to ask for spoilers."

"Shouldn't we tell Marinette this was all a prank?" Rose asked.

"Nah, let the girl stew for a while. It'll be good for her." The Pink Devil pulled out her pocket watch and _BLAM_med away.

* * *

_That evening:_

Chat Noir watched the sun touch the horizon, enraptured by its golden glow. Then he heard the soft thump of somebody landing on the rooftop behind him. "Hey, Bugaboo! So what was that sudden call fo—"

Ladybug slammed a pink wig on his head. "No questions!" she ordered.

Dutifully keeping his mouth shut, Chat Noir did not resist as Ladybug positioned him in the center of a chalk-drawn ankh, shoved a silver pocket watch into his hands, and then lit several black candles.

Ladybug then cracked open an ancient tome that looked like it had a deformed human face on the cover and read out loud, "I call upon the Ancient Ones to undo what cannot be undone."

Thunder rumbled. Chat Noir looked up at the clear sky and realized the thunder was just a passing airplane.

"I beseech thee!" Ladybug cried. "Give us back Alix!"

With great uncertainty, Chat Noir carefully said, "Alix? You mean our resident time-traveler Alix?"

Ladybug lowered the ceremonial heart-carving dagger. "You know who she is? It worked! Thank Big Red X! IT WORKED!" Quite unexpectedly, she then tackled Chat Noir in a tight hug. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I'll never ask questions about the future again!"

What she was talking about, Chat Noir did not know, but it was clear that Ladybug had had a stressful day. Gently, he held her and waited for her to calm down. He waited for her to say that was enough and slap him away. But she didn't. Ladybug calmed down but she didn't let go. She hugged him for longer than he'd ever been hugged before. And as she hugged him, he watched the sunset, happier than he'd ever been.

"Is that a boner?" she asked.

Chat Noir flinched and scrambled for a pun that involved wood.

She sighed, "Whatever, it's fine," and hugged even harder.

That hug was the best Fifth Name's Day gift he got.

* * *

_ Meanwhile: _

"Nathalie, what are you doing back here?" Gabriel asked as she wheeled herself off the mini-elevator. "I told you to bring Adrien."

"I was, sir, but then I discovered something that I think you should see," she typed and stiffly wiggled her nose at the envelope on her lap.

Gabriel opened it and found a letter covered with dried drool. "This handwriting…" He gasped. "Emilie! Of course! Her penmanship always did look like a paraplegic who writes with the pencil clenched between their teeth."

Nathalie discreetly spat out a pencil eraser. She watched nervously as he scoured the message she had spent many painful hours scribing.

"Hmmm… 'It's okay to move on. Don't give up on love. Forgive Nathalie, the guilt is killing her more than Duusu.'"

Not the most romantic but she couldn't exactly write _Romeo & Juliet_ with her nose pressed against the table. Nathalie held her breath and prayed to Big Red X.

Gabriel squinted at the letter. "Oh wait, hold on. I'm reading it upside-down." He flipped the page over. "There we go. 'Don't kill me. I want to live. Do whatever it takes to bring me back.' Ha! That makes much more sense. Thanks, Nathalie."

He gave the letter back to the stupefied woman who was surprised to see her sloppy tongue-writing looked just as he'd read upside-down.

Gabriel hugged the glass coffin. "Don't worry, Emilie, now that I know you want to come back, I won't stop until I succeed."

Duusu landed on Nathalie's shoulder with a smug grin. "And we're back to square one. Good job, Nat."

"FUCK!" she typed.

END

_Oh. I forgot to mention that Miraculous Migraine ends next week with an epic +20,000 word 2-Parter._

_Part 1: Friday_

_Part 2: Saturday (Just in time for Halloween!)_

_Heads up._


	39. 34 Love Conquers All! (Pt. 1)

_Oh good, you're here_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_YOU DID IT! GREAT JOB! YOU TOLD A STORY!_

_{Hooray… That was fun… So… Now are you gonna continue the Prologue Saga…?}_

_...TO BE CONTINUED…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 34: Love Conquers All!  
_By: I Write Big

Let's talk about loss.

The only life experience we can say we've all had is loss. Doesn't matter who you are or what you believe or where you come from. You've lost something. Loss of a loved one. Loss of harmony. Loss of hope. Loss of patience. As hurtful as it may be, loss is here to stay and loss has many things to teach us. The first and foremost lesson: we can't always win.

Not surprisingly, the hardest to swallow losses are the ones we thought would never happen.

"What?" The word barely croaked out of Ladybug's throat. She stared at Chat Noir in utter disbelief.

"I said, I have a girlfriend," Chat Noir repeated.

She heard the word echo in her head over and over. _Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend…_

Ladybug's eye twitched and slowly darkened to a midnight-blue and a blood-red— "That's great!" she shouted, pushing The Beast away. "I'm so h-happy for you!"

"And I think you know her." Chat Noir leaned closer and with a _hint-hint_ eyebrow waggle. "You could say the two of you are always together_._"

"LALALALALA! Don't tell me who she is or I'll kill her!" Ladybug covered her ears and hummed loudly. The Beast was bashing at the gates, but she refused to let it in.

"It's almost like you're the _same person_."

"NOOOO!" Ladybug swung away before she could hear more.

"Dang it, I thought Kagami would get the hint for sure that time," Chat Noir mumbled.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the cathedral:_

"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock," Duusu said continuously on Nathalie's shoulder. The woman was frail in her wheelchair, practically skin and bones. She looked worse than ever.

"Stop it," she managed to type on her tablet.

"Just a friendly reminder, Nat." Duusu grinned at her. "By the looks of it, today is your last day to get that kiss or it's sleepy time. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."

"Don't worry, Nathalie!" Gabriel said confidently, hefting a basket of butterflies. "You may have struck out in the dating game, but I'm gonna get you all the love you need to be free. I have the perfect plan! Nothing will stop us! MuahaahhahahaHHAHAA—"

"Does it involve akumatizing Chloe?" Nooroo asked slyly.

Gabriel flinched. "No! Stop suggesting that! We can do this without ruining that kid's life." He marched for the mini-elevator, tripped, and all the butterflies went flying. "FUCK!"

"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."

* * *

_Back at Marinette's:_

"He has a girlfriend. _Chat Noir_ has a _girlfriend!" _Marinette wailed. "How dare he get over Ladybug! Over _me! _Did all of those movie nights mean nothing?!"

Tikki was face-nubbing. "A fucking year of you praying this would happen and you're FUCKING ANGRY?!"

"I changed my mind!"

"So did he!"

"He's not allowed to do that! He's not a girl!" Marinette huffed and puffed as she finished packing the macarons for the Bourgeois' 20th anniversary party her parents were catering. "What does he expect me to do? Be happy for him? Move on with my life?"

"Yes," Tikki said.

_**("Fuck that!")**_ The Beast roared. Marinette slammed her head against the counter and pushed the animal back. "No, Marinette, get a grip on yourself. You're not going to become that obsessive Marinette who was clingy enough to drive Chat Noir away. You can beat this." She stacked the macaron boxes until they reached above her head and went for the door. "So what if he's over you? So what if you actually kinda liked him? So what if he left you in the dirt with nobody?"

"What about Luka?" Tikki asked.

The name made Marinette stop. She instantly imagined riding behind Luka on his bike, her arms wrapped tightly around his chest. Like a true chivalrous man, he'd offered her a ride while serenading her with a guitar ballad he had composed inspired by her. She blushed. "I guess that wouldn't be so bad," she said shyly and stepped out.

"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng!"

Luka was there, waiting for her not on a bike but on a motorcycle. The hog thrummed and growled with every twist of the handlebar. The boy flexed in his shiny leather jacket and ran a comb through his greasy blue hair.

Marinette stared. "L-Luka, what are you… doing?"

"Just being my most appealing self, according to Papa, Miss." He stuck a toothpick in his mouth and lit it like a cigarette. "A moment please." He pulled out a flashcard and read it out loud. "'Get on, bitch. We're going for a ride.'" He exchanged thumbs-ups with Jagged Stone around the corner.

"I'm losing everyone," Marinette muttered in a daze. Like a zombie, she trudged to the motorcycle and strapped her boxes in.

_One hellride later:_

Luka popped a wheelie and skidded the motorcycle to a halt outside the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel. Marinette, dizzy, confused, and her bug-infested hair a mess, climbed off and took her boxes inside.

"Hmm, no kiss? What did I do wrong?" Luka pondered and lit another toothpick.

"Nothing, mate," Jagged Stone said, poking his head out of a nearby mailbox. "Clearly ya need more rock 'n roll to woo her."

* * *

_Upstairs:_

The hotel restaurant had been covered with loving decorations. Balloons, flowers, hearts everywhere. On the stage was the couple of the hour.

"Audrey and Andre," Gabriel said from Nathalie's tablet. "On this most solemn day where we remind the world that you somehow made this one-sided abusive relationship work for 20 years—"

"What does he mean by one-sided, snookie-wookie?" Andre asked Audrey.

"It hhhmeans you're lucky you hhhave political connections, Aardvark."

"—Yes," Gabriel continued. "20 long agonizing years of yelling, fighting, running to the other side of the world just to get some space. I didn't think it would last. Nobody in this room thought it would."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"You've basically tried to kill each other on a weekly basis. Some might call that unhealthy and a terrible environment in which to raise a child."

"I turned out fine," Chloe bragged, ripping another Mr. Cuddly teddy-bear in half and then dining on the cottony guts.

"And yet the two of you stuck together and proved to the world that love is not only powerful but also very, _very_ dangerous."

Everyone applauded.

"To congratulate you and illustrate how you'll never be rid of each other no matter how hard you try, I present to you the Gabriel Couple Cloak! Now available at your local Gabriel store for 10 easy payments of 199.99!"

Nathalie barely managed to wheel the present to the couple while only leaving a thin trail of drool. With a flourish of colorful cloth, the two were draped in a magnificent cloak, wide enough to encompass both at the same time.

"Ooh, I hhhlove this design on the front, Gabriel," Audrey gushed.

"Is this fashionable?" Andre asked. "With all these circles, it sort of looks like we're wearing an archery target. And what do these flashing words say? 'Akumatize me?'"

"Fashion trend. It's all the rage in Japan," Gabriel explained.

"See, Anchovies? hhhGabriel gets it," Audrey snooted.

On the other side of the room, the elevator dinged open and out stepped Marinette with the boxes of macarons. She got about five steps in before her sights landed on Adrien and Kagami _sitting next to each other!_

"GAAAAH!" She tripped and the boxes went tumbling. Kagami and Adrien were instantly at her side.

"Here, Marinette, we'll help," Adrien said.

"Yes, Friend Marinette, we shall—"

"What are you doing?!" Marinette hissed at Kagami soft enough so Adrien wouldn't hear. "I told you Westerner girlfriends don't stay in the same room as their boyfriends."

"I remember, Friend Marinette, however, Boyfriend Adrien insisted," Kagami said in her monotone. "He made that adorable face that I cannot say no to and I surrendered to my urges. I have failed you." She kneeled and offered Marinette her katana. "I submit myself for punishment."

The Beast greedily reached for the weapon.

"D'awww, you two have become such sweet friends," Adrien cooed.

His voice snapped Marinette out of it. She slapped her own hand away and took a deep breath. "No, no, it's fine, it's fine." She pulled Kagami to her feet and forced the vile words out. "Maybe… just for a little bit… the two of you can h… haa… haaa…" she took a moment to choke down the acid rumbling up her throat, "hang out."

"Really?" Kagami asked without an ounce of emotion, but there was a faint twinkle in her eye.

The Beast railed against the gates, screaming _**(NOOOOO!)**_ but Marinette grit her teeth and said, "Yeah, just for today and I have to be in the room. Got it?"

"Thank you, Friend Marinette." Kagami then put her in a chokehold. "Am I doing the hugging correctly?"

* * *

_Later, in the kitchen:_

Marinette scoured the shelves for the cocktail umbrellas her parents needed while Adrien and Kagami crossed ladles.

"But how will we duel to first blood without blades, Boyfriend Adrien?"

"It's just a game for fun," Adrien pleasantly answered. He poked her chest with his ladle. "First one to land a strike wins. Get it?"

"Hai," she said.

And the destruction began.

Marinette watched them flip across the stoves and swing through the hanging pots and pans like swashbucklers. Gas lines were being ruptured, walls were being demolished, deep fryers were imploding, but all she was trying to do was to accept this as a good thing. She squeezed Adrien's lucky charm in her hands and muttered to herself, "Relax, Marinette. This is fine. Adrien is enjoying himself. He can do that with other girls. It doesn't mean anything. Don't cling. Don't obsess." The feel of the charm and who it came from comforted her. She breathed easy.

An errant swipe of a ladle launched a plate at Marinette, knocking the lucky charm from her grip. It tumbled straight into a sink.

"NO!"

The lucky charm slid to a stop right next to the drain.

"Phew."

The grappling Adrien and Kagami body slammed against the counter, wobbling the entire kitchen. The aftershock bumping the lucky charm into the drain.

"NOO!"

A rotting hand poked out of the drain with the charm. "You drop this?" the undead moaned.

"Phew."

A whisk shot across the room and flipped on the garbage disposal. Blades ground the putrid hand and dragged it and the lucky charm in.

"NOOO!"

The sink let out a satisfied _buuurp_ and nothing else.

"This is okay," Marinette wheezed as she went into full panic-mode. "It's not like Adrien's lucky charm was the only weapon I had to keep that _thing_ at bay. You can do this, Marinette. You _can_ do this."

A misplaced foot and Adrien tripped and fell against Kagami. There was a clatter of cooking metal and the two were on the floor together, their lips inches apart. They peered deeply into each other's eyes. Both blushed.

"Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess."

Their ladles went flying and hit some wires. The short-circuiting scrambled and dimmed the lights until Adrien and Kagami were spotlit by nothing but a single bulb that glowed the most romantic shade of rosy pink.

"Don't obsess! Don't obsess! Don't obsess!"

Someone's cellphone in the next room rang and their ringtone just happened to be _The Little Mermaid_ classic "Kiss The Girl!"

"Don't obsess! _Don't obsess!_ _Don't __**(obsess!")**_

_ Nearby: _

Mrs. Tsurugi sniffed the air. "I smell fun. Unacceptable. You! One who clearly loves Disney princesses," she pointed her sword at Ape-Man, "take care of this."

Ape-Man grumbled, fumbled with his phone's embarrassing ringtone, and began searching.

On the stage, Audrey and Andre's argument was escalating.

"And Andre always snores, doesn't he, Audrey?" Gabriel goaded.

"hhhLike a chainsaw!"

"And Audrey never compliments your hair, does she, Andre?"

"I spend hours in front of the mirror, getting my 'do just right and you _never_ notice!" the man blubbered.

"hhhYou slick it back! hhhWhat's so great about that?!"

"How dare you!"

The avalanche had begun. No more prodding was needed. "On to phase two, Nathalie," Gabriel instructed. The woman wheeled herself to the elevator.

_In the kitchen:_

"Shalalala, Shalalala, go on and kiss the girl!" sang Sebastian the crab.

Marinette, or maybe it was The Beast, it was getting harder to tell, ripped the meat cleaver from the chopping block and stalked toward the couple who'd spent far too long making googly eyes at each other.

_ **("Don't obsess! Don't obsess! DON'T TOUCH HIM, YOU WHORE!")** _

To everyone's shock, Kagami pulled away. "Boyfriend Adrien, doesn't Friend Marinette look very cute today?"

Marinette froze.

Adrien blinked. "Uh—"

Ape-Man stormed in, trying to answer his tiny phone.

"GAAAAH!" Marinette chucked the cleaver at the intruder and the blade struck the source of music!

"Laalalaalall, giss da giirrrrrrrlll," gurgled Sebastian the crab and died.

Ape-Man slowly backed out of the kitchen.

"Superb form, Friend Marinette," Kagami commended.

"Yeah, thanks for covering for us," Adrien agreed.

"Yeah, yeah, sure!" Marinette gathered all the cocktail umbrellas she could carry and barrelled for the exit. "I'll get out of your hair before I _**(scalp you)**_—I MEAN, _**(kill you)**_—I MEAN, _**(skin you alive you)**_—GAAAH!"

A pair of gentle hands grabbed her shoulders. Both Adrien and Kagami had stopped her.

"Don't go, Marinette," Adrien said.

"Please stay," Kagami insisted.

"Nonon_**(ononon)**_onono! I _**(can't)**_ be _**(near)**_ you _**(two!")**_ Marinette cried, her eyes rapidly shifting colors. But they didn't listen. Giggling mischievously, Adrien and Kagami dragged the flailing Marinette under a cardboard box and used it as cover as they crawled out of the kitchen. Through the little hand slot, the three could see that the Bourgeois' fight had reached the beating-each-other-with-brooms stage.

"No one's looking this way. We're good," Adrien said.

They took another step and bonked against Ape-Man!

The bodyguard glared at the cardboard box. He picked it up and revealed the three teens.

"Oops," Adrien squeaked.

"Acid in the Face no Jutsu!" Kagami tossed what looked like water at Ape-Man. Immediately, his face began to sizzle and smoke. Ape-Man wailed and ran for the nearest sink. The three bolted for the stairs and climbed as fast as they could for...

_The roof:_

"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. DONG! Wow, Nat, it's noon. Can you believe it?" Duusu said, gazing over the city. "This is the last noon you'll ever see. Gorgeous." It got no response as a red-eyed Nathalie unplugged Chloe's Bee Signal. The simple effort exhausted the woman and she collapsed back into her wheelchair. "You'd see a lot more noons if you'd just let go of this dumb guilt, tell Gabe how you feel, and plant a wet one on him. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."

Nathalie managed a glare at the kwami before quickly wheeling herself to a hiding spot. Seconds later, Adrien, Kagami, and a red-eyed Marinette burst through the roof's door.

"G-Guys, seriously, I _**(can't control it!")**_ Marinette clenched her eyes shut. Everything she looked at was a potential weapon to be used to end Kagami.

"We need a place to hide. Quick, in here!" Adrien grabbed both of the girls' hands and the three of them jumped into the pool which had been turned into a ball pit.

The door burst open again. This time Ape-Man, face still tender, entered. Slowly and carefully he searched under all the tables.

In the ball pit, Adrien and Kagami held their breaths and watched.

The Beast hunted.

It swam through the balls, circling Kagami. Only Marinette's twin-tails breaching the surface marked where it was like a pair of shark fins. This was the perfect time to strike. The Beast armed itself with one of the many balls and aimed for the back of that slut Kagami's skull. Inside, Marinette begged for it to stop, but The Beast wouldn't listen.

It attacked!

The plastic ball, which weighed half an ounce, bounced harmlessly off Kagami's head and landed by Ape-Man's feet. He accidentally stepped on it and slipped back down the stairs.

"Way to go, Marinette!" Adrien said.

"You have saved us—" Kagami's congrats was interrupted by volley after volley of plastic balls gently hitting her. She could hardly feel them.

The Beast kept firing at the girl, enraged by the lack of blood. _**("Why won't you DIE?!")**_

"Is Friend Marinette challenging me to a duel?" Kagami asked Adrien.

"Sort of. It's a game, Kagami. Like our swordfighting."

"I see." The Japanese girl nodded solemnly. With a flip, she was suddenly high in the air with dozens of balls around her. She drew her katana. "Then I shall play."

_**("...fuck…")**_ The Beast whimpered and retreated. Marinette breathed freely. "Finally! I thought I was—FUUUCK!" she screamed as a tsunami of balls drowned her. In the whirling current of plastic, she felt a tug on hair followed by a snap.

"I am victorious," Kagami claimed in her monotone, raising Marinette's hair ties in the air like they were her prize.

Marinette surfaced seconds later. It took her a moment, but she soon realized that her hair was no longer tied into tails. "Hey! Kagami, give those—"

"Whoa…" Adrien said, staring at Marinette in wonder. "Who are you, stranger?"

Marinette blinked. That had not been a playful way to say he'd never seen her hair down before. Adrien was genuinely looking at her as if he had no clue who she was.

"Boyfriend Adrien has some form of face-blindness. It is especially fun to 'mess' with him, as the Westerners say. Watch," Kagami whispered to her and quickly snapped the hair ties on her own head. "I am here, Friend Adrien," she said, not even trying to sound like Marinette.

"Oh there you are, Marinette," Adrien said happily to Kagami. "Have you met this new girl? What was your name again?"

Marinette's eyes flicked back and forth between the two. A dark idea crept in. If Adrien really was so face-blind, then all she needed to do was snip her hair to resemble Kagami's and take her place. Yes… it was _perfect._ _Kagami's mom was already blind. __**(Adrien would never know the differe—**_

"GAAAAAH!" Marinette swam for the pool's edge and repeatedly bashed her head against the wall.

_ Downstairs: _

The party guests ducked and covered as butlers calmly handed Andre and Audrey their 20th anniversary engraved assault rifles. The married couple shoved the barrels against each other's necks.

"hhhYou're the reason I hhhhave responsibilities!" Audrey roared.

"You're the reason I don't have a chin!" Andre roared back.

"Fuck hhhyou!"

"Fuck _you!_"

"FUCK hhhYOU!"

"This is a great party," Chloe said, helping herself to some macarons.

_Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:_

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man scrambling to catch up. "Too far! I pushed them too far! Crap! Gotta fix this!" Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

Across the city the dark messenger flew until it reached the hotel. It aimed for the front doors and smacked against the glass. The butterfly shook its head, flew back, and waved its wings at the motion sensor. The sliding doors didn't open. It only then noticed a new sign above the sensor. The plaque read: _NOW 100% AKUMA PROOF._

Hawkmoth went pale. "Fuck."

The gunshots began.

_On the hotel roof:_

Gunfire raged downstairs, but the teens didn't hear the _ratatatatatata_ over the lovey-dovey piano solo Adrien played. Kagami lounged on the instrument, lost in the boy's serene face. Marinette, bleeding and exhausted, dragged her heavy body out of the pool, hair ties clenched in her fist, and saw the picture-perfect romantic moment.

"Stop..." she woozily protested but had no strength to crawl closer.

A pair of cooing doves just happened to fly by and place crowns of roses on Adrien and Kagami's heads. They leaned toward each other.

"Don't… do it…"

A plane drifted past them, dragging the message _JUST KISS ALREADY!_ Their eyes fluttered shut, their lips puckered.

"Please… no…"

And Kagami pulled away again. "Boyfriend Adrien, doesn't Friend Marinette's hair look beautiful?"

Marinette froze again.

Adrien blinked again. "Uh—"

Ape-Man stormed in again.

Everyone stared at everyone.

"Sh'mon 'n giss na grrl," croaked Sebastian the crab.

"FUCK OFF!" Marinette cried with renewed anger. She fired one of her hair ties at Ape-Man. It struck his nose and down the stairs he tumbled again.

"Well done, Friend Marinette," Kagami said. "Let us 'blow this joint,' as the Westerners say."

_ Outside: _

Kagami pulled Adrien and Marinette out of the hotel, the latter two were very confused. The black butterfly silently thanked them for getting the door and flew inside. Over the bullet holes and trembling guests it fluttered before it reached Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois and shattered on their cloak.

A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on both of their faces and they saw the visage of a silver-masked man.

"Wow, yikes, okay," Hawkmoth said. "Glad I got here before anyone got hurt."

"My leg! I've been shot!" the butler Jean-Whatever whimpered nearby.

"Ignoring that. Here's the deal. I give you the power to take out your problems on everyone else, you get me all the love I need to free the woman I lov—like—am attracted—respect as a person. Okay?"

Audrey and Andre grinned. "We're in."

Both were swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a giant head with two faces! "I am Hearthunter!" they proclaimed. "All your love will belong to us!" _PEW! _A pink ray fired out of their eyes and hit the cowering Dupain-Chengs. The two were transformed into a cartoony heart that was quickly gobbled up by Hearthunter.

"Mmm, hhhdelectable," hummed the female face.

"Reminds me of foie gras," giggled the male face.

"hhhWho's next?"

The rest of the party guests had escaped. There was no one left… except Chloe. The girl stood there in the center of the dance floor, smiling.

"Uh, Chloe, my princess, aren't you gonna run?"

"Nope." Chloe started to bounce with excitement. "This is perfect! I'm the ultimate weapon!"

"hhhWhatever you say, darling. Now hhhget in my mouth." _PEW! _Hearthunter struck Chloe with a pink ray!

Nothing happened.

"hhhWhat?"

_PEW!_

"What's going on?!"

_PEW! PEW! PEW!_

Chloe stood there, taking every shot with a smug look. "I'm immune to your magic, Hearthunter. You can't touch me because I don't love ANYBODY!"

It got very quiet.

"Not even hhhyourself?"

"No!" Chloe cackled madly. "This is it! Ladybug has to take me back! I'm the only one who can defeat you!" She dashed upstairs.

Hearthunter floated where she left them.

"I think we failed as parents."

"hhhYou just figured this out?"

_On the roof:_

Chloe pranced to her Bee Signal. "And then Ladybug will say, 'Oh, Chloe, I was so wrong about you. You're the real hero. Please forgive me.' And I'll say, 'Maybe. I'll think about it. Until then how about you kiss my botoxed, porcelain ass—' WHAT THE FUCK?!"

She saw the unplugged wire on the ground next to the Bee Signal.

"Sabotage?! Who did this? Nononono! How am I supposed to prove myself to Ladybug now?"

Desperate, Chloe picked up the wire and searched for a way to fix this. She squinted intensely at the plug's prongs.

"Hmmm..."

Then she squinted even more intensely at the Bee Signal and the slot that was a matching size and shape to the plug.

"Hmmmmmmmmmm..."

She squinted long and hard. Back at the plug. At the plug-shaped slot. The plug. The slot.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

It was at this moment that Chloe realized she had never plugged anything in before in her entire life and hadn't the slightest clue how. She didn't even plug her own phone into its charger. That was what the help was for. No help was here now, though. Only her. An idea began to form. It was crazy, but these were desperate times. Arms trembling, Chloe raised the plug, took careful aim, and pressed the prongs into her nose.

_ZAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaAAAAAAAP!_

Chloe fell to the ground, scorched, smoking, and twitching.

* * *

_Meanwhile, blocks away:_

The trio of teens had escaped the boring party and caught their breath by the edge of the Seine River.

"Wow, I've never bailed on a party before. It feels so fun to be disobedient." Adrien marveled. He then took Kagami's hands and leaned forward with a love-filled gaze. "Thanks for getting us out of there, Kagami. You're amazing."

"You know who is more amazing?" Kagami said. "Friend Marinette. Her lips are quite kissable."

It suddenly got very quiet.

"W-Wha—"

_BOOM!_

A hole in the plane of reality tore open on a nearby bridge and from its unspeakable depths emerged a man pushing… an ice cream cart!

"My name is Andre, Andre Glacier, the Sweetheart Matchmaker!" the man sang along with the haunting notes that ground out of his cart. "With one scoop or two, Marinette, I'll have my revenge on you! A fate that will make you quiver!" He smiled malevolently down at the trio and his soulless glassy eyes glistened like diamonds.

"Hey, girls, I got an idea! Hahah!" Adrien said nervously. "Let's get ice cream and forget whatever Kagami just said! HAHAH!" He ran off.

Now alone, Marinette stopped Kagami before she could follow. "What was that? And what was with all those weird compliments? It's like every time you were having a moment with Adrien, you pushed his attention onto me."

Kagami responded with a straight face. "I'm doing as you instructed, Friend Marinette."

"...Huh?"

"'If you believe you are about to kiss Boyfriend Adrien, switch topics to Friend Marinette and note how attractive she is,'" Kagami recited with ease. She bowed deeply to Marinette. "I am eternally grateful for your Western guidance, Friend Marinette. I am lucky to have you as my friend. Without your help, I surely would have 'totally blown it,' which is very confusing. It was my understanding that boys enjoyed getting blown."

Guilt stabbed Marinette through the heart. She'd completely forgotten about the dozens of fake _boyfriend tips_ she'd fed Kagami. Each and every one had been designed to backfire. She suddenly felt like a worse friend than Alya, like a bigger liar than Lila.

"I would have never known the Westerner tradition of mentioning how better you are than me to Boyfriend Adrien every day."

Guilt stabbed her heart again.

"Or how I should forward you any gifts Boyfriend Adrien gives me."

Guilt twisted both knives.

"Nor would I have known to deny Boyfriend Adrien's calls, avoid going near Boyfriend Adrien, and every time Boyfriend Adrien asks me out to say I have explosive diarrhea."

Guilt flicked her nose for good measure.

"No, no, NO! What have I done?" Marinette grabbed her head, horrified at how far she'd pushed this. She pulled Kagami into a hug. "You're so kind and innocent, Kagami, and I've been terrible to you. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" Kagami suddenly gasped while maintaining an emotionless straight face. "Oh my Big Red X. Friend Marinette, I just realized what you were secretly trying to do."

Marinette's eyes bugged out and she suddenly feared for her life. She dove under a park bench. "I wasn't trying to steal Adrien from you! I'd never do that! Never! I wasn't planning _**(to murder you, hide your body in the river, and keep my Adrien all for myself!) **_GAAAAH! Shut up!"

"You were attempting to engage Boyfriend Adrien and me in what the French call a ménage à trois. More commonly known as a threeway."

And now Marinette was blushing. "That's-That's—I don't—I wasn't—" _That's not a bad idea,_ Lady Noire purred into her ear. A calm hand was extended to her. Marinette followed it to Kagami's face and saw no traces of murderous intent. Warily, she allowed Kagami to gently pull her out from under the park bench.

"I wish to experience all the Western world has to offer," Kagami said, squeezing her hand, "and I am flattered you have the 'girl-crush' on me, but I love you as a friend, Friend Marinette."

The warm sincerity in her monotone brought a tear to Marinette's cheek. "You… really are my friend, aren't you?"

"Always, Friend Marinette. You are not a threat."

There were plenty of girls who claimed to be her friend, but only with Kagami did it feel _true._ It felt right. She really did want to be Marinette's friend. That realization made guilt nod its head at her and ask what she was going to do now.

"I… I have to fix this." Marinette pulled Kagami to the bridge where Adrien and Andre waited.

The Ice Cream Man gleamed with unholy glee at their approach. "Aha! Marinette, the bane of my existence! Today shall be the end of your resistance. For months I've picked my ice cream flavors apart, searching for the one combination that would enslave your heart—"

"Yeah, yeah, you're spooky, good for you. Hook these two up!" Marinette shoved Adrien and Kagami forward.

"Hebettawha?" Andre Glacier sputtered.

"I said magically bind these two idiots together forever with your dark dairy magic!"

"But-but-but my revenge! I had a plan. It was really cool and it all rhymed—"

"Screw your rhymes! I'll do it myself!" Marinette shoved Andre Glacier aside and yanked open the ice cream cart's lid.

"No, wait, don't!" Andre wailed but it was too late. The second the cover opened, a flood of wretched phantasms spilled forth. The hollow notes grinding out of the cart quickened and quickened until they became a frantic screech, making Marinette think of millions of ghosts screaming their last. Under their feet the entire bridge rattled and shook and further below the Seine bubbled and frothed.

"My souls!" Andre Glacier cried out. "My precious souls!"

The phantasms came together and formed a massive crooked skull. "_Andre Glacier… you're time has come..."_ the thing moaned. Ghostly chains whipped out of the ice cream cart and latched onto the man's wrists. With a sharp tug, the chains ripped what looked like the spirit of Andre Glacier out of his body. They began to reel that spirit in.

"No! Please!" the ghost of Andre begged. "I still have so many flavors to concoct! So many hearts to curse! You can't do this to me! I've existed since time eternal! I'm the Ice Cream Man! I'm the Ice Cream—"

He and the souls disappeared into the much smaller cart and the lid shut with a _clack._

Everyone stared.

"Well, golly gee willikers, I have customers!" sang a much friendlier voice. Andre Glacier hopped to his feet, ice cream scoop in hand. "What can I get for you?"

"Uh…" Marinette swallowed. "You got any magical ice cream that forces people to fall in love?"

"I certainly don't." Andre chuckled. "What a flavor that would be! You've got quite the imagination, little lady."

With dread, Marinette noticed how Andre Glacier's demeanor had become less creepy and his glassy diamond eyes less demonic. He almost looked… human. "I fucked up," she mumbled and trudged away.

"Friend Marinette, where are you going?" Kagami asked. "What is the next step in being a Westerner girlfriend?"

Marinette smiled sadly at the only girl who was ever her friend. "Forget everything I told you. Just do what comes natural." And she left.

Across the city she slowly marched, never once looking back. Adrien and Kagami were no doubt sharing their ice cream by now. The image made The Beast snarl, but Marinette quelled it with a firm "Shut up!" She was ashamed of herself. She felt she didn't deserve the one she loved. She was ready to give up.

"Tikki, am I a bad person?" Marinette asked.

"Y'up," Tikki answered without hesitation.

Marinette stared.

"What? Were you expecting a long-winded heartfelt speech? You're a bad person. Change or get used to it."

_Change._

As mean-spirited as it sounded, that had been the most useful life advice Marinette had ever heard. Change. She could change. She would change. _She will change!_

_PEW! PEW!_

Marinette looked up at the odd noise in time to see Officer Roger dive into the middle of the road and cover his gun with his body.

"No! My one true love! I'll protect you!" he proclaimed and kissed the weapon.

_PEW!_

A pink ray struck the odd couple and they were turned into a cartoony heart. The thing was gobbled up by Hearthunter.

"hhhThat one was peculiar."

"Not as odd as that young man we caught in bed with a sarcophagus."

Marinette cracked her knuckles and ducked into an alley. "Okay… change… I can change. Prepare to meet the new me, world. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug. The heroine swung onto the roof and began to fight.

_ Nearby: _

Hawkmoth eagerly watched the battle, hidden behind a chimney. "Yes, it's all going according to plan, Nathalie. When this is over we'll have the Miraculouses and all the love you'll ever need to be free of Duusu! MuahahaHAAHAAHAH—"

He only then noticed Nathalie wasn't beside him.

"Nathalie?"

_In the cathedral:_

Nathalie was slumped at the foot of Emilie's coffin. She hadn't moved in over an hour.

"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."

_Back in the fight:_

"Oh, I'm sure she's fine," Hawkmoth assured himself. He continued to watch Ladybug try and fail to negotiate with Hearthunter.

_PEW! PEW!_ "hhhFight us, Ladybug!"

"I'm trying to change into a better person!" Ladybug yelled back, refusing to throw a single punch. "That means not immediately resorting to violence. Let's both be civilized and use our words."

"Oh, well, in that case, let's talk about our problems over a relaxing cup of tea."

"Really?"

"hhhNO!" _PEW! PEW! PEW!_

Seeing no other option, Ladybug lassoed Hearthunter and hurled them into a building. She quickly swung her way across the city. Hawkmoth slapped on a fake mustache and followed.

"Okay, so talking things out didn't work," Ladybug admitted to herself. "Maybe another Miraculous wielder can get to them. Who would be able to emotionally reach Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois?"

"Yoo-hoo! Ladybug!" A voice called. "It's me! Chloe Bourgeois! The only child of Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois!"

Ladybug gasped. "Chloe! Of course!" She landed on the hotel roof.

"Aha! It's about time!" Chloe snarked. "I have been super pay-chance. What took you so long?"

"Chloe, I'm trying to change into a better person and that means being honest. The real reason I let you be Queen Bee again was so I could trap you in a neverending demon war and I only stopped letting you be Queen Bee because I completely forgot you existed and was too embarrassed to admit it. My bad." Ladybug let out a huge sigh of relief. "Wow, that felt so good to say. I had no idea that was eating me up inside. The truth really is freeing. Anyway, you still can't be Queen Bee, see ya."

She swung away.

Chloe stared at the spot where Ladybug used to be. Her eye spasmed.

A mustachioed man in a silver mask tiptoed past her.

_Later by the Seine:_

It was pure coincidence, at least that's what she told herself, that Ladybug's trip took her right by Adrien and Kagami. Time slowed to a crawl as she swung past them sitting on the Seine's edge. In slow-motion, she watched the horror unfold.

Kagami kindly wiped an adorable vanilla mustache from Adrien's lip.

Ladybug barely managed to smile.

Adrien gently wiped an equally adorable cherry mustache from Kagami's lip.

Ladybug barely managed to be happy for them.

A drop of ice cream dripped between Kagami's boobs. She looked expectantly at Adrien.

The Beast dropped to the street and uprooted a tree. She aimed the trunk at Kagami. Ladybug headbutted the wood and took back control. She swung away before she saw more.

A mustachioed silver-masked man followed, his face hidden behind a newspaper.

_Later, at the Agreste Mansion:_

Ladybug, shaken and confused, landed at the front door. "Ugh! Why does changing suck so much?!" She banged on the door and out came Fu.

"The fuck are you doing?!" he said.

Ladybug looked at herself and realized _she was still Ladybug!_ "FUCK!" She whipped around. The coast was clear except for a gawking, silver-masked, mustachioed gardener who was mowing the grass with a lawn flamingo. "YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!" she shouted at the stranger and ducked into the mansion.

"Don't worry, I wasn't followed," Ladybug assured and then kindly asked, "How are you doing, by the way, Fu? You eating all your fruits and vegetables?"

Fu stared. "...Huh?"

"Drinking enough water? Getting exercise? Sleeping well?"

Fu continued to stare. "What wrong with you, Marinette?"

"I'm trying to change into a better person! Appreciate it, you lazy, selfish asshole!" Ladybug quickly composed herself. "Ahem, may I please see the Miraculous Box?"

Still weirded out, Fu brought out the Box from under the doormat and let her choose.

For the first time in a very long time, Ladybug thought before she acted. "Okay, don't just jump in, Marinette, think this through. The most logical choice to appease Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois is their daughter but I thoroughly burned that bridge. So the next closest person would be..."

"Sabrina?" Fu suggested.

_**("Kagami!")**_ The Beast said. It grabbed the Dragon Miraculous and swung away before logic could catch up.

Fu shrugged and slipped the Miraculous Box back under the doormat. A shadow fell over him. "Oh, hello, gardener gweilo, you need come inside and water plants?"

The gardener peeled off his mustache.

"...Fuck."

* * *

_Later, near the Seine:_

Ladybug stumbled and tumbled her way across the rooftops, fighting The Beast with every step. "Leave Kagami alone! _**(She must die!)**_ No, she's my friend! _**(She's taking my Adrien!)**_ If anyone deserves Adrien, it's her! _**(My Adrien is MINE!)**_ Adrien doesn't belong to me or to anyone! It's his choice and I'm not gonna obsess—"

Ladybug arrived and saw Kagami pop the last bite of ice cream cone into Adrien's mouth. Then the Japanese girl leaned toward him. A rainbow appeared in the sky and a passing guitarist riding a unicorn happened to start strumming the most romantic song he knew. Adrien swallowed and leaned toward Kagami too. Their eyes fluttered shut, their lips puckered and—

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Ladybug lassoed Kagami and wrenched her to the roof.

Kagami didn't notice she was now in the heroine's arms and started making out with Ladybug. "Mmm, Boyfriend Adrien, mmm, you taste just like Friend Marinette. Mmm, I like that."

_You don't taste half-bad yourself,_ Lady Noire purred.

"GAAAAAH!" Ladybug pulled away from the soft lips that made her stomach flip. "N-No time, I need your help!" She dashed away with the girl.

Adrien, who had been making out with the fencepost Kagami used to be leaning against, realized girls don't usually taste like paint and opened his eyes. He caught a glimpse of Ladybug carrying Kagami away and realized it was time to fight. He ducked into an alley to transform.

_ Later: _

"So, you and Adrien Agreste, huh?" Ladybug awkwardly said as Kagami transformed into Ryuko.

"We would have never gotten together if it were not for my friend Friend Marinette."

_**("Don't remind me!")**_ Ladybug collapsed a chimney on herself to beat The Beast back.

"However..." Ryuko wrung her hands and actually looked slightly worried. "I recently discovered Friend Marinette is romantically interested in me. She pushed her own feelings aside to 'hook me up,' as the Westerners say, with Boyfriend Adrien. I worry I was too quick to dismiss her. I do not wish to hurt our friendship."

Ladybug's head poked out of the pile of bricks and she carefully asked, "Would it hurt your friendship if Marinette actually liked Adrien?"

"No, it would not," Ryuko answered firmly.

Ladybug felt a glimmer of hope.

"However…" Ryuko drew her blade and summoned the elements of wind, water, and electricity, forming a torrential hurricane around them. "I would have no choice but to declare Friend Marinette as my eternal blood rival. Not a day would go by without our feud for Adrien's love further escalating. The annals of history would record our clash as the greatest battle waged across Europe. Thousands would perish. Families would be torn apart. Kingdoms would fall."

With a swipe of Ryuko's sword, Hurricane Kagami dissipated.

"But we would still be friends," Ryuko concluded. "Why do you ask?"

Ladybug trembled and her glimmer of hope was extinguished. "...No reason."

* * *

_Back at the mansion:_

"Come back here, Guardian!" Hawkmoth growled, chasing after the frantically running Fu. "You're not getting away from me!"

Fu ducked behind the statue of Emilie and came back out in his Fuu mustache.

"Fuu, have you seen Fu? He was just here."

Fuu stroked his fake mustache. "Fu? Hmmm, Fu... Short man, pointy beard, bad back?"

"Yes!"

"Never heard of him."

"AGH! Damn it all to hell! He couldn't have escaped! Not aga—"

"ACHOO!"

Fuu's slimy mustache smacked Hawkmoth in the face. Hawkmoth wiped it off and stared at Fu. "Wait, why do you look exactly like Fu—Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Hawkmoth flicked the mustache away and wiped his hand on his pants. "I'm gonna kick your ass."

_WHAM!_

Fu tumbled across the yard. Hawkmoth stomped after him, roaring at the top of his lungs, "Tell me the true identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"Okay! Okay! Me tell! Me tell!" Fu blubbered. "Is Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste!"

Hawkmoth scoffed and gathered the Miraculous Box into his arms. "Do you take me for a fool, Fuu, or should I call you _Fu?_ Right under my nose this entire time. Not only are you a master deceiver but you've no doubt been trained in ancient Chinese techniques to resist torture. I can't believe anything that comes out of your mouth, not until after I've _broken_ you."

"No breaking needed! Me tell you! Marinette and Adrien is Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"Who are Ladybug and Chat Noir?! Answer me!" Hawkmoth raised his cane like a sword.

"Wait! No! You can't hit me. Me old! Me brittle! Me, uh, uh..." Fu put on a pair of fake glasses. "You no hit guy with glasses, right?"

_WHAM!_

Fu flew across the yard, skipped over three moats, bounced over the spike pits, and landed on a comfy pillow.

"Huh. Me lucky," he said.

An anvil landed on his head.

Wayzz floated out. "Are you gonna take this seriously or should I start writing your epitaph? What do you think about 'Here Lies Fu: He Always Stole His Neighbor's Wi-Fi?' I think it has a nice ring."

"No. Me take seriously," Fu grumbled and shook away the hallucinated flying fortune cookies. The old man hardened his glare at Hawkmoth and raised the arm that wore a jade bracelet. "Wayzz, shell on!"

In a glow of green, he transformed into a turtle-themed hero. Thick tortoise-shell armor clad his thin body, making the man appear twice as muscular. His eyes crackled with untapped bottomless magical power. Atop his head sat a wide, green, bladed hat that looked like the one Raiden wore in fucking _Mortal Kombat!_

"Me am Jade Turtle."

"Whoa… That's so badass," Hawkmoth whispered. The tension in the air frightened him. He was no longer facing an old man. Those pecs! That battle-hardened stare! Did that kickass hat double as a weapon? It probably did. Hawkmoth was not the best fighter. He often got beaten easily whenever he tried, but he couldn't back down now. He needed to save Nathalie! Pushing through the fear, Hawkmoth charged and swung his cane!

"Shell-ter."

Instantly, a bubble-shield appeared around Jade Turtle. Hawkmoth's cane bounced off it. "You little fucker!" Hawkmoth swung and swung, but not a scratch was left. "Come out of there!"

"No."

"Right now!"

"No."

"This isn't fair!"

"Me not losing, am me? Is legitimate strategy," Jade Turtle said smugly.

Hawkmoth roared and snapped his fingers.

With a great _thud_ Toothless landed next to them. "Break," Hawkmoth ordered.

Toothless trilled and belched electric-fire with joy.

_In the cathedral:_

The cry of Toothless echoed in the distance. The ceiling shook and a layer of dust rained down.

"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Nat, c'mon!" Duusu whined. "This is so boring. We're missing the big moment. I wanna see how Gabe totally fails. Is this really how you want to spend your last day? UGH!"

Duusu kept on complaining, but Nathalie didn't listen. All of her attention was on Emilie. Was this how she wanted to spend her last day? No. She _needed_ to do this. She needed the time to build up the courage. She'd put this off for far too long. If she didn't say it today, she never would. With shaky fingers, she typed, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For the love of Big Red X!" Duusu again kept on complaining and again Nathalie didn't listen. She'd finally said what she'd been holding in for so long, but Emilie kept laying there. Unresponsive as always.

Sighing, she wheeled for the mini-elevator.

"_It's not your fault."_

Nathalie and Duusu stopped. They whirled around. Emilie was still in her coffin.

"Who the fuck said that?" Duusu asked.

Nathalie wheeled back toward the coffin. "Emilie, is that you?" she typed.

"Emy?" Duusu glanced back and forth between the body and Nathalie. "Oh good, we've lost our marbles like Gabe. Not a big loss for me. I hardly had any marbles to begin with. HAHA!"

The voice was sweet and kind, just like Nathalie remembered her. "_I knew the risks going into this, Nathalie, and I paid for them. You don't have to end up like me. If you do, who will be there to look after my Gabby-poo? He needs someone to watch out for him. And that person is _you."

"But… But I'm the one who—"

"_Hey, Nathalie, I already told you. It's not your fault."_

It was quiet for a very long time. In that silence, a great weight was lifted from Nathalie's shoulders. She sniffled back the tears. There would be time to cry later. Right now, Gabriel needed her.

"Duusu, spread my feathers." In a burst of blue, she transformed into Mayura and ran to join the fight.

A few moments passed.

Then… The Banana stepped out from behind the glass coffin.

"_I've done my best to keep this crazy family together, although it might not have been enough,"_ The Banana said in Emilie's voice. They faced the unresponsive woman and layed a yellow hand on the glass. Their giant styrofoam eyes glistened in the faint light. "_I know you said to let The Banana go, let it die with you, but the world needs The Banana. The world needs hope. So… until you come back and tell me otherwise, __Emilie, __I shall keep your slippery sense of justice ap-peel-ing."_

The Banana turned off the voice modulator and pulled off their mask. In the glass reflected the smile of Ape-Man.

* * *

_Meanwhile, across the city:_

Chloe was still gawking at the spot where Ladybug had left her.

Forgotten about her.

Abandoned her.

Just like her mommikins.

"Hi, Chloe. Bye, Chloe," Ladybug called as she swung by with Ryuko.

Chloe had no reaction.

Somebody nearby cleared their throat. It was Hawkmoth.

"Oh good!" Chloe's mouth stretched into a rictus grin that looked more at home on a serial killer. "I was hoping for a chance to vent. Gimme the Akuma!"

"That's not going to happen, Chloe," Hawkmoth said gently. "I will never try to akumatize you ever again. I'm here because I know what it's like to feel alone. I know how terrible it feels. But it doesn't last forever. Things will get better if you give them a chance and allow other people into your life."

There was a pause.

Chloe hefted the Bee Signal over her head.

"Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!" Hawkmoth turned to run. The girl chucked the heavy light. It landed with a satisfying _CRUNCH!_ "...ow."

Chloe added her foot to the pile and glared down at Hawkmoth pinned under the Bee Signal.

"Uhhhh, well d-d-done, Chloe!" Hawkmoth stuttered out. "You've passed the test! Yes! This was all a test to see… uh, if you were… _worthy!_ Yes, worthy of-of-of-of this flower!" He plucked a flower from a nearby bush and offered it to her. She bit the plant out of his hand and swallowed it. "Mmm-hmm, passed with flying colors. Now, if you'll please stop looking at me like you want to break every bone in my body, I'll give you your congratulatory pat on the back and be on my way."

Chloe's murderous glare drifted to the out of place oriental box in his arms.

Hawkmoth started to sweat. "Oh this? This is nothing. Just junk from my attic. Complete trash. Not magic in the least."

She took the box.

Hawkmoth started to panic. "Oh! Oh, you want to see it? Okay, yeah, sure, not a problem. There's nothing interesting in there. No need to open it."

She opened the box.

Hawkmoth pissed himself. "Whaaat? Are those Miraculouses? How did those get in there? I'm just as shocked as you, Chloe. Shocked, I say. Could I have that back?"

Chloe shoved the Bee Signal's plug up Hawkmoth's nose.

_ZAAAaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaaAAAP!_

The comb slid easily into her hair. The golden sphere spawned and with it came the drums of war. Pollen appeared.

"Ah, mein zlave," the kwami said. "How nice to zee you again. Und what deztruction zhall we reign today?"

Chloe's mouth finally opened and she uttered the words, "All of it."

Hawkmoth suddenly felt cold.

"All?" Pollen asked eagerly.

"Ladybug broke my heart. Now, I'm gonna break everything. Pollen, buzz on!" In a shockwave of gold, she transformed into Queen Bee.

For the first time in his life Hawkmoth suddenly wondered if he was the bad guy. He ripped out the plug. "Well, you don't need me anymore, I'll just crawl to the nearest hospital and—"

Queen Bee stomped on his arm and ripped the cane out of his hand. She popped the top open to reveal a black butterfly.

"No…" Hawkmoth whispered.

She took the insect and slammed it against her spinning top. It shattered.

"Not again! NOT AGAIN!"

Queen Bee was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a dark and twisted version of her hero form. Her super-suit became a sharper armor with jagged edges and a crown atop her head with tips as sharp as thorns. This was Miracle Queen!

"NOOOOOOOO!"

She smiled down at him. "You get a five-minute head start."

_ Meanwhile: _

Chat Noir joined Ladybug and Ryuko in racing toward Hearthunter. "Hello there, Ryuko, did you know I have a girlfriend?"

"That is wonderful to hear, Hero Chat Noir. What is she like?"

"Oh, you could say she's my _personal Ladybug_." He heavily winked at Ladybug who was covering her ears and scrunching her face.

"How strange. That is how my boyfriend refers to me. He calls it a _pet name,_" Ryuko noted.

"No way! What are the odds?" Chat Noir laughed at this complete coincidence.

"Do you think he is implying he is interested in being a furry?"

"GUYS, FOCUS!" Ladybug ordered. "We have an Akuma to deal with."

Ryuko and Chat Noir drew their weapons. "Right, what's the plan, M'Lady?" Chat Noir asked.

The trio landed on the nearest roof to Hearthunter who had just gobbled up the heart that used to be Vincent and a cardboard cutout of Jagged Stone. Ladybug stepped forward and said, "Follow my lead." She straightened her back, popped her neck, and cleared her throat. "Hearthunter, what's _really _bothering you?"

"Huh?" said Chat Noir.

"Huh?" said Ryuko.

"hhhHuh?" said Hearthunter.

"You say you want all the love in Paris but why?" Ladybug asked. "Why do you want all that love? Do you really believe the love that doesn't belong to you will fill the lack of love in your own life? Love isn't some snack you can stuff your face with. It takes effort and years of compromise and sacrifice. Yes, it hurts, but without that pain love isn't special. It means nothing. Don't you think?"

It was quiet for a while.

Then...

"AAAHHHHH! She is here! Miracle Queen! The Ender of All!" Hearthunter wailed and skewered themself on a lamppost. They were swallowed by bubbling darkness and separated back into Audrey and Andre.

"Huh, what do you know," Ladybug said. "Talking actually works. I didn't even need you guys."

Ladybug de-evilized the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug. All of the eaten couples were returned.

"That had to be the easiest battle ever," Ladybug remarked. "Wow. I should talk through my problems more often." She turned to Chat Noir. "Chat, I'm jealous of your girlfriend but I think I can live with losing you."

Chat Noir sputtered, "Jealous? But-but you are my gir—"

"Ryuko, I admire your determination to remain friends with Marinette, but there are other more mature ways to deal with boy problems other than blood feuds."

The dragon-girl nodded thoughtfully, "Perhaps you are correct, Hero Ladybug. I shall consider it."

Emboldened, Ladybug gazed over the cityscape, feeling the wind in her hair. The air tasted crisp and clean to her. This truly felt like the beginning of a new chapter in her life. One where she wasn't constantly stressed by The Beast. One where she could solve her problems without anger and violence. One where she could be happy.

* * *

_ Later: _

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Marinette screamed.

The Agreste front lawn was in ruins. Craters pocked the ground. Fires razed the gardens. Someone had chucked a toilet out a window and left the seat up. Over it all, scrawled on the mansion's face in shiny turtle wax, was the message: _**HELP! ME CAPTURED! THIS YOUR FAULT, MILLENNIAL!**_

Marinette knelt down and cradled the abandoned Fuu mustache. "What have I done?"

"I know, right? Talk your way out of this one, Gandhi," Tikki snarked.

"It's okay. This is fine," Marinette squeaked in that certain wheeze that told the world this was in fact _not_ fine. "I'll just track down Hawkmoth, who I don't know the location or identity of, and calmly talk things out before he decides to unleash all the kwamis who are raring to destroy the human race. Hahaha! It's so simple! _Hahaha!_ Nothing to it! GAAAAAAH! _**(EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! WHY CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK?!")**_

"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng!" The throaty rumble of Luka's motorcycle ended with a final roar. The boy started some loud headbanger rock 'n roll on his phone, lit another toothpick, and waited politely. "Does this appease you?"

Marinette marched over, crushed the phone, and hugged him tightly. She peered up at him with wide wet eyes. "Stop it. Just stop it, Luka. I already have so much _**(CRAP)**_ in my life. I need something _normal_ for once. Please, just be normal."

Seeing her clear desperation, Luka nodded and dutifully tossed aside his leather jacket. "And what is normal, Miss?"

Marinette did not know the answer to this question. What was normal about seeking comfort in a human-doorbell hybrid? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But maybe there was something that could be done about that. Acting on a pure whim, she cupped his cheeks and brought his face down to hers.

_At the same time, across the city:_

Adrien jogged to Kagami who waited by the Seine. "Hey, Kagami! What happened? Did Ladybu—"

Kagami grabbed his face and pulled him into a fierce kiss.

"MMM! What are you doing?" he managed to say.

"What comes natural," Kagami replied and stuck her tongue in there.

_Also at the same time:_

Hawkmoth ran for his life across the rooftops. There was little time. His super-suit wouldn't protect him from what Miracle Queen had planned. He needed to get back to the mansion. He had to warn Adrien and Natha—

"Sir." Mayura landed in his path and immediately crumbled under her weak legs.

"Mayura!" He scooped her into his arms. "We need to hide! I fucked up! I mean I really _really _fucked up this time—"

"I know, sir, and I'll help you."

"No one can help us! We have to get out of here before she—"

"I'll always help you, sir, no matter what." She took his hands. "Because I love you, sir."

"That's great, I'll call ahead and tell Ape-Man to grab Adrien, prep the space shuttle, and pack extra apple juice… juice… jui…" His mind struggled to compute for a bit. "Wait, what did you say?"

Mayura used the last of her strength to pull him close and look him in the eye. "Gabriel Agreste, I love you." She didn't give him time to react. Mayura kissed Hawkmoth with everything she had.

What happened next was something straight out of a fairytale.

All three couples—Hawkmoth and Mayura, Adrien and Kagami, Luka and Marinette—so happened to kiss each other at the same time. It was such an impossible coincidence, that you might think fate had its slimy tentacles in this. And you'd be right. From where the three pairs of lips connected a blinding light shined brighter than the sun. People all across Paris stopped and shielded their eyes, including fate.

"AAAH! I'm going blind!" fate cried, its 17 goat eyes and 3.25 gecko eyes sizzling like eggs on a skillet.

"Fate, are you messing with the lives of the mortals again? You'd better not be."

"No, mom, don't come down here!"

The only one not averting their eyes was Mrs. Tsurugi who wondered what everyone was whining about. Her useless eyes stared directly into the light and if they'd worked, she would've seen three beams of flawless white arcing across the sky. Those beams met, joined, and shot straight up.

_In the Realm of the Gods:_

Hathor, the Egyptian god of Love, was sipping Her chamomile tea when a dusty cobwebbed red light flashed and She heard an alarm She hadn't heard since the Medieval Ages.

"**A mortal is invoking the power of Love?!"** She leaped with joy. "**Finally! Fuck yeah! It's about fucking time! Love is in the house, baby!"**

Hathor rubbed Her cow horns for good luck and sent a rainbow of pure Love to Earth.

_Back in Paris:_

From the heavens came the sounding of a thousand trumpets accompanied by a chorus of angels. Wind billowed through the streets, throwing many off their feet. The clouds parted and out came the rainbow of Love. The sparkling ray struck Mayura and she was raised out of Hawkmoth's hold. He dared to gaze into the light and managed to see the magic course over her body, enshrouding her until she looked like she was made of pure magic.

To him, she had never looked more beautiful.

Then, just as quickly as it had begun, it ended. The wind stopped. The light dimmed. The trumpets and angels ended. The shell of magic around Mayura vanished and she slowly floated back down to the roof. Hawkmoth caught her before she landed. She was limp in his arms, almost as if she was asleep.

"Mayura?" He shook her. "Mayura? Nathalie? Can you hear me?"

She stirred. Her eyes cracked open and the corners of her mouth tugged upwards in a weak smile.

"Nathalie, you're okay," Hawkmoth blubbered through the tears.

_("HA! Got ya!")_ Mayura said.

"...Wh-What?"

Mayura howled with laughter. _("HAAHAHAHAHAHHA! Oh, you should see the look on your face, Gabe! 'I did it! True love's kiss saves the day!' Hilarious!")_

"It… didn't?"

_("No, you dumbass. You kissed Emy every single day. Why would kissing Nat suddenly defeat me? If anything...")_ Mayura flew into the air and manically shot out feathers in every direction. _**("It made me more powerful!")**_

"But you said a kiss of true love would free her, Duusu!"

_("Yeah! I lied! That's the joke! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!")_

Hawkmoth didn't laugh.

_("Jeez. Tough crowd. Alright, I'mma conquer the world using Nat's body as my meat puppet. Byyyyyyyyyye!")_

TO BE CONCLUDED

_Tomorrow._


	40. 35 What Conquers Love? (Pt. 2)

**WARNING! THIS IS PART 2 OF A 2-PARTER! READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER FIRST, OTHERWISE, THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE!**

_SEQUEL (noun): A cheap cash-grab that is never as good as the original_

* * *

_PROLOGUE_

_OH, I TOTALLY WOULD, BUT THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER! OUT OF TIME!_

_{You… little… fucker…}_

_...THE END…_

* * *

**Miraculous Migraine  
**_Episode 35: What Conquers Love?  
_By: I Write Big

True love's kiss.

Thanks to Disney, society as a whole views this as a cure-all for every evil magical problem imaginable. But what happens when the evil magical problem is a little blue peacock-thing who is literally the metaphysical incarnation of Emotion… including Love?

In such a case, true love's kiss would be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

And kissing the actual incarnation of Emotion? Ha! Don't be ridiculous. No one would ever be that stupid.

"I can't believe how stupid I am," Hawkmoth muttered as he spied on the park.

_("Sentimonster!")_ A grotesque swamp thing made of licorice came into existence next to the swing set! It growled incoherently among the dozens of other nonsensical creatures made of shaving cream, tires, week-old apple pies, the most random crap! Over them all, their summoner crafted more and more with a neverending barrage of feathers. _("Sentimonster! Sentimonster! __Sentimonster!__ And pause.")_ Mayura took a moment to appreciate the flowers. _("Flower Sentimonster!")_

"Uh, excuse me," Jade Turtle called from his Shell-ter atop Bubblegum Sentimonster. "You let me go now?"

_("No can do, you're my snack for the road. Nothing hits the spot more than turtle soup on the road to world conquest.") _Mayura chuckled darkly. _("Ooh! Road Sentimonster!")_

Hawkmoth slowly backed away from the growing army. "Well… at least it can't get any worse."

Fate, now as blind as Mrs. Tsurugi, shivered in ecstasy at the temptation and began to salivate.

_Near the Eiffel Tower:_

A pillar of gold dust struck the ground. The particles solidified into Miracle Queen. Around her buzzed millions of glowing wasps, and in her arms was the Miraculous Box.

"Go forth, my minions, and sting me an army!" she cackled.

The swarm flew into Paris to spread their chaos!

_At the Cesaire Apartment:_

The entire Cesaire family and Nino were dining happily together.

"Haha! That's a good one, Nino," Mr. Cesaire laughed. "It's so nice that you and Alya haven't let your breaking up ruin your friendship."

"Totally, Mr. Cesaire-Dude, nothing is more important than friendship."

"Uh-huh, yeah, sure, look at all the girls I've banged since you left me!" Alya impatiently shoved her phone in Nino's face.

"That's great, Alya. I'm glad you've moved on," Nino said pleasantly.

"I'M TRYING TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU'RE MISSING! WHY WON'T YOU BE JEALOUS?!"

A cloud of wasps burst into the home and stung everyone! Instantly, their eyes turned to solid gold and they stood there, slack-jawed.

_On a street corner:_

The futuristic pod opened with a hydraulic hiss. Max and his mom gawked in awe at the spacesuit that waited within. "Claudie Kante," a computerized voice said. "You have passed the French Astronaut exam."

"I did it! YES!" the woman cheered. "Am I going to the ISS? The moon? _Mars?_"

"You will be the conductor of French NASA's monorail."

"I'll take it! Choo-choo, motherfuckers!"

The celebration was interrupted by the cloud of wasps. Max and his mom were stung too!

_At the public pool:_

"Into me?" Kim marveled at the statement Ondine had made. "But you're not in me. You're clearly outside of my body."

Ondine went weak in the knees and drooled over the boy. "Yeah… keep being dumb, Kim. It gets me _hot._"

"Hot? Then you should take a dip in the pool. It's quite refreshing."

Before this poor excuse of dating could continue, everyone in the pool was stung!

_At the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:_

Andre and Audrey came to the front door, hand in hand.

"What do you say, snookie-wookie? Give us another chance?"

Audrey haughtily sighed. "hhhWhy not, I can always trade husbands with Cousin Melania if I hhhwant to."

"That's my queen! We've learned nothing!" Andre squealed in delight and carried Audrey bridal-style into the hotel to continue the cycle of abuse.

Both were stung!

_At the Dupain-Cheng Patissiere:_

"Wait, you're _not_ our daughter?" Tom asked The Pastry Maker who still wore the Ladybug costume under her casual clothes.

"Nope!" she chirped. "You couldn't tell? Wowie-wow-wow, I must be super good at being a baker!"

"Then who are you?" Sabine wondered, cautiously raising her candelabra.

"Ooh! A name! Wowie-wow-wow! I don't have one of those! How about..." The nameless girl peered through the window and spotted an ornate bridge. Walking across that bridge was an IT guy. The girl was struck with inspiration. "I know! Itbridge!"

Tom and Sabine stared. "You mean Bridgette?"

"That's even better!" The bubbly girl who looked exactly like Marinette but could never remove her Ladybug costume pointed dramatically to the sky. "I am Bridgette!"

This fan service was interrupted by a swarm of stinging wasps.

_By the Agreste Mansion:_

The front lawn was still in ruins and Marinette was _still kissing Luka!_

"AAAH! Not the bees! Please, Big Red X, no! Not the bees!" Nicholas Cage wailed as he ran past. But still they kissed, both oblivious to the world around them. Bliss and comfort were all that mattered. Marinette had never felt safer.

Her eyes snapped open.

"GAAAH!" She jumped out of Luka's arms and flailed like a fish. "I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that! _**(You're not my Adrien!)**_ NO! That doesn't matter, because you're Luka and you're sweet and you're always there for me and _**(not my Adrien!)**_ Shut up!"

"Would it help if I wore this, Miss?" Luka held up a blonde wig.

_**("YES!)**_ NO!" Marinette grabbed the wig and hurled it into the air. Both watched the golden locks disappear into the sky and escape Earth's orbit. "Wow, I've gotten way stronger." She turned back to Luka. "You don't need to look like Adrien or pretend to be whatever this tough biker-rocker persona thing is. Just be you, Luka."

The boy glanced past her at the hidden Papa Jagged who gave him an encouraging thumbs-up. Luka smiled and took her hand. "Does this mean you've made a decision, or do you still require time to 'not know?'"

The question hung in the air for quite a while. What excuse did Marinette have left? Adrien was with Kagami. Chat Noir was with his mystery girl. And here Luka was, patiently waiting for her. He'd probably wait for the rest of his life if she asked. She would never do that to him though. She had no reason not to say—

Luka suddenly stood up straight and his eyes turned to solid gold. The cloud of wasps poked their mass over his shoulder.

"Oh, look! An excuse not to make an important decision! Thank you!" Marinette happily ran for her life. The magic wasps chased.

"You're officially the worst," Tikki said.

"I need time to think!" Marinette shot back.

"About what?"

"Things!

"What things?"

"Things! Important things! Very important things! How am I supposed to think about things when I'm running from wasps! Don't rush me!" Marinette stuffed a Magic-aron in Tikki's mouth and called out, "Aqua-Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Mermaid-Ladybug and dove into the Seine River.

The cloud of wasps stared.

"Bzzzt-bzzzbzzbzzzzt-bzz, bzzzzt?" buzzed one wasp, which roughly translated to, "That girl who juzt tranzformed into Ladybug iz Marinette Dupain-Cheng, right?"

"Bzzzt," another buzzed back, which meant, "Ayup."

"Bzbzztzz zzbzzz-bzzzztbzzbzzzz Bzzz?" the first asked, which was Wasp for, "Zhouldn't we tell our Queen?"

"Bz, bzzz bztzzzb zzb _bzbzzz _bzzt-bzzt." That meant, "Eh, I'm not feeling like a _buzy bee_ today."

Nobody laughed.

* * *

_A few blocks away:_

Adrien and Kagami were going to town on each other; limbs, hair, and spittle flying in every direction. Several people who happened to walk by were immediately weirded out by the ferocity, concluded it was impossible to tell whether they were making out or trying to kill each other, and walked the other way.

Suddenly, Adrien pulled back.

"Hold on." He smacked his lips a couple of times. "Huh."

"What is it, Boyfriend Adrien? Do you require lip balm? I only have the Japanese version." She held up a tube of solid soy sauce.

"No, it's not that. It's just..." He kissed her again for ten straight seconds. He pulled back and licked his lips with an unsure look. "This doesn't taste the same." Another long kiss. "It's missing the…" Another. "the…" One more to quintuple check. "GLAAAWLALAWLAAAAL."

"Is that a Westerner breath mint?"

Adrien didn't know why but in the back of his mind he was starting to have doubts. "We've kissed before, right?"

Before Kagami could answer, her eyes turned to solid gold and she went slack-jawed. The cloud of wasps swarmed over her like a tidal wave.

"FUCK!" Adrien scrambled away.

"So..." Plagg poked his head out with a mischievous look. "I know we're running for our lives and stuff but what was that about taste?"

"I don't know. It wasn't how I remembered when she kissed me as Ladybug. The passion was there but it was missing… something. Maybe I didn't kiss her right."

"Or maybe Kagami isn't Lady—" Plagg's mouth was clogged by a wedge of Magic-amembert.

"No time! Aqua-Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Merman-Chat Noir and he dove into the Seine.

The wasps stared.

"Bzz Bzzb Bzztz bz Bzzzzt Bzbzzz? Bzz bzzt-zzbz zzbz-bzzzzt zzz Bzzz!" one wasp buzzed. Which meant, "And Adrien Agrezte iz Chat Noir? We have to tell our Queen!"

"Bzzzb, bz bzzt Bzzt-bz zzzb bzzt-bz-bzzzzzbz bzzz Bzzb. Bzzzt bz-bzz bzzzz." another buzzed back, meaning, "Dude, we don't zpeak Frenglizh and zhe doezn't zpeak Wazp. Juzt let it go."

"Bzzzzzt," the first sighed. That meant, "Fuuuuck."

* * *

_Back near the Eiffel Tower:_

Miracle Queen felt her influence over the people of Paris grow. It was time. She extended her hand and called out, "Half-bred lessers, heed your Queen. The time of secret identities is over! Those who fight behind a mask, come to me!"

Her decree was heard by everyone who had been stung and they obeyed. One by one, those who had ever wielded a Miraculous came to her and kneeled. Max, Alya, Nino, Kim, Kagami, they were all exposed!

"How pitiful," Miracle Queen sneered. "To think Ladybug would choose you pathetic losers over me. What's so special about you, huh? Why do you get—"

Mr. and Mrs. Dupain-Cheng kneeled before her.

"Whoa! Uh, I don't think you two fit the body-type."

Bridgette, Miss Mendeleiev, Principal Damocles, Mr. Ramier, Fire Chief Cobra Commander, and Ape-Man kneeled before her.

"Okay, stop! When I said 'those who fight behind masks,' I meant only Miraculous—"

Luka arrived and kneeled.

Miracle Queen stared at the boy she had never seen before and her yellow cheeks slowly burned orange. She dialed a number on her spinning top.

"Yes, my Queen," a voice droned on the other end.

"Sabrina, remember how we agreed that I could bang one other person and it wouldn't count as cheating? I've chosen." She hanged up before the screaming started. Twisting a lock of her hair in her finger and giggling like the little schoolgirl that she was, Miracle Queen nervously approached the tall, dark, handsome stranger. "Hey there, new guy. You're a cutie, you know that?"

"Yes, my Queen," Luka droned back.

"You probably know who I am. Not a surprise. Yes, it is I, Miracle Queen, a-k-a, Queen Bee, a-k-a, Chloe Bourgeois, the most refined and rich elite girl in Paris, kind of a big deal. I'm also on the market for a little swinging."

"Yes, my Queen."

"Ooh, your voice just makes me tingle. It's so welcoming and accepting. Reminds me of a doorbell for some reason. Anyway, I'm sure you're dying to ask me out."

"Yes, my Queen."

Miracle Queen pretended to think about it and sighed haughtily. "Fine, I need a royal concubine after all. I suppose a pauper like you will do. Proceed."

"Yes, my Queen." Luka proceeded to smooch her feet.

"Ah, it's good to be Queen," Miracle Queen said pompously. She shoved the Miraculous Box at the remaining teens. "Suit up and get ready, losers."

All except Nino and Kagami donned their Miraculous. In many balls of light, the kwamis appeared and transformed their humans.

"Yes! Yes! Look at all the slaves!" Trixx laughed with Alya's mouth. "It must be time for the final hunt!"

"The bloodshed shall be marvelous, darling," Kaalki said primly with Max's mouth.

"It'sss about time," Sass grinned with Luka's mouth.

"Bet ya I can mindfuck everyone!" Shippo dared with Kim's mouth.

"Listen up, plebeians!" Miracle Queen shouted. "I'm in charge here. As Queen, anything I say goes and I say—" her commanding posture snapped to pathetic pleading, "—tell me you love me and will never abandon or forget me."

Her soldiers exchanged confused looks. "We love you and will never abandon or forget you…?" they replied, completely lost.

"Hooray! This is everything I ever wanted. Friends, respect, and a brand new boy-toy." Miracle Queen pulled Sass to her side and gave his tush a spank.

The snake-boy blushed. "Oh! Pollen, I had no idea you felt that way about me. It'sss flattering."

"Ewww," Miracle Queen drew back from Sass. "No, that lisp is not acceptable." She snapped her fingers. Wasps stung Sass and the rest of the fighters for good measure.

"Yes, my Queen," they all droned, zombified again.

"Much better." Miracle Queen shook her fist at the sky. "I will be loved forever! Nothing will stand in my way!"

_("Yes! Nothing will stand in my way!")_ Mayura cackled as she turned the corner. She stopped cold and stared at Miracle Queen and her small but powerful Miraculous troops.

Miracle Queen stared back at Mayura and her far more massive army of mind-bending, incomprehensible monstrosities. On the back of a bear made of moldy socks was a glowing green ball that contained a short old Chinese man. Another Sentimonster made out of barstools was continuously headbutting that green ball.

Tension thickened the air as Mayura and Miracle Queen glared at each other.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Miracle Queen hissed.

_("Definitely,") _Mayura hissed back.

They high-fived. "Team up! Go girl power!" They both cheered.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the Seine:_

"What am I gonna do? M'Lady was stung and now I have to face this alone," Chat Noir muttered to himself, his voice magically clear underwater.

"Don't come any closer!" a familiar voice screeched. He spotted a blushing face peeking from behind some algae-covered rocks.

"What the— LB?" He swam toward her. "You're no longer petrified? How did you—"

"I said stay back! I'm wearing nothing but a polka-dotted starfish bra and jellyfish panties!" Ladybug screamed. "What pervert designed these costumes?!"

"Hey, hey, take it easy, Bugaboo. Your body is beautiful. Be proud of it." Chat Noir flexed in his Merman outfit, which consisted of nothing but a conch shell on his crotch and a black starfish bra.

"Turn the fuck around! Right! NOW!"

"Okay, whatever makes you comfortable." He faced away from her and Ladybug discovered the conch shell didn't cover his butt. "Better?"

"Yes," she said, grateful her drool was lost in the Seine's waters. _Mmm, that kitty-booty is tight,_ Lady Noire purred into her ear. In a trance, Ladybug reached for the treasure that was so glorious that she never noticed the _Adrigami _tramp stamp.

"What's going on up there, M'Lady? Did Master Fu say anything when you returned Ryuko's Miraculous?"

"Huh?" Ladybug snapped out of the enticing hold of the eye-candy and stopped herself from taking a squeeze. She ducked back behind her rocks. "Oh! Right! Uh… so, funny story, I sort of, maybe, kinda accidentally led Hawkmoth right to him."

"You what?!"

_On the surface:_

Chat Noir's battle-staff extended out of the water and reached high into the air. A pair of cat-eared binoculars popped out of the top. On the other end, Chat Noir peered into his periscope and scanned the land.

"Where on your costume were you storing that?" Ladybug asked.

"Oh my Big Red X, LB! It's worse than we thought!" Chat Noir said. "Everyone in the city has been stung!" It was true! Everywhere he looked, Parisians stood like statues, their eyes solid gold. Then he saw something much worse. "Oh no! Chloe's been akumatized again! And she's teamed up with Mayura! And she has Master Fu! And the Miraculous Box! And… Kagami?" He zoomed in on his girlfriend on the shore, then glanced at who he could've sworn was Kagami behind the rocks.

"And what?" asked Ladybug.

Chat Noir took a second look and spotted the golden-eyed Miraculous fighters, including _Rena Rouge_. He heaved a sigh of relief. "Phew, just an illusion. Never mind."

"Okay, this can work, we can deal with this without violence," Ladybug said, barely keeping her cool. "We can talk this out with Chloe and Mayura like reasonable people and not have to throw a single punch."

"By the way, Chloe has hypnotized all of our Miraculous allies into becoming her foot soldiers."

"All of them?!" Ladybug snatched the periscope and took a look. What she saw was Miracle Queen lounging on Viperion's lap like the boy was her throne.

Ladybug's eye spasmed. She strapped on the Miraculous Choker of the Dragon.

_With the bad guys:_

_("So it's agreed, you get tyrannical rule over both Americas and Europe, I get Africa and Asia, and we'll alternate control of Antarctica every other generation,")_ Mayura said, finishing dividing up the world map.

"And all the people I conquer will love me forever and never abandon me?" Miracle Queen asked.

_("Yeah, sure, whatever.")_

"You got a deal." She shook Mayura's hand. "I have to say, this whole co-ruling thing is going a lot smoother than I thought. For a second there I was convinced you were going to try to take everything for yourself."

_("Whaaat? I wouldn't do that to you, Chlo-Chlo,") _Mayura said, then darkly muttered under her breath, _("Yet. Hehehe.")_

"What was that?"

_("Nothing, nothing.")_

Viperion, the human-chair, droned into Miracle Queen's ear, "We're only working with Duusu to betray it later, right, my Queen?"

"Um, duh?" Miracle Queen whispered back like it was obvious.

_("What was that?")_

"I said, flex your abs more, concubine! Your Queen is especially thirsty today." She snuggled against Viperion's scales, then saw something. "Hey, when did it get so cloudy?"

Indeed it was. The once spotless blue sky had almost abruptly darkened with ominous thick angry clouds. Thunder rumbled. The smell of rain and ozone filled the air.

_("Ooh! Umbrella Sentimonster! I should write that down.")_

_BOOM!_

A missile shot down from the storm, only it wasn't a missile. It was a girl with the form of a dragon slithering through her polka-dots. On a gale of wind she rode, with a tidal wave of water on her heels. In her hand sparked and crackled a sword of lightning.

_**("GET OFF MY LUKA, MOTHERFUCKER!")**_ roared Dragon-Bug.

"Uh oh." Miracle Queen went pale.

Dragon-Bug's blade impaled the cobblestone and a shockwave of electricity expanded from the impact, striking everyone at the same time as the wall of water hit them. Bodies jittered and stiffened before dropping to the ground. Dead wasps fell out of the air and splattered everywhere.

Chat Noir slowly came to Dragon-Bug's side. "Whoa. Badass. I thought you'd have more hang-ups with fighting our allies."

_**("MUST SAVE LUKA!")**_ Dragon-Bug charged blade-first for Miracle Queen.

Charred and singed, Miracle Queen scrambled behind Viperion. "Protect your Queen, concubine!"

"Yes, my Queen." With a twist, Viperion activated his Second Chance.

Blinded by bloodrage, Dragon-Bug aimed her sword for Miracle Queen's throat and swung! _SNIK!_ Viperion's severed arm dropped to the ground.

"GAAH! I'm so sorry!" Dragon-Bug grabbed the arm and twisted the Miraculous on the wrist.

_A Few Seconds Ago:_

Blinded by bloodrage, Dragon-Bug aimed her sword for Miracle Queen's throat and Viperion caught the blade between his hands. The impact formed a crater under their feet, throwing Miracle Queen back.

With Viperion distracted, Chat Noir easily slid close and snatched the Snake Miraculous off his wrist. In a torrent of turquoise, he transformed back to regular old Luka. "Good strategy, Bugaboo," Chat Noir commended. "Viperion would've easily been our toughest opponent."

"Yeah, sure, strategy," Dragon-Bug agreed too quickly, her arms and legs tightly wrapped around Luka and her face buried in his chest.

"Uh, are you gonna let him go or—"

"This is part of the strategy!"

Enraged at the loss of her fine piece of ass, Miracle Queen called out, "Mayura, a little help?"

_("Oh, I would, Chlo-Chlo,")_ Mayura said from atop a safe roof, _("but Europe is your territory and the Nation of Duusu lives by a strict Swiss neutrality policy. None of the conflict, all of the moral superiority. HAHAHA!")_

"So… you _don't _want us to start the world invasion?" Dishwasher Sentimonster asked.

_("Of course I want you to start the world invasion. This is a double-cross. Fly, my pretties, fly!")_

The Sentimonster army fanned out, many aiming for the farthest corners of the world in order to cement Mayura's rule!

_("I'll be here...")_ Mayura grinned down at Dragon-Bug. _("It's almost time for the punchline. Heheheheeh...")_

"You're useless! Utterly useless!" Miracle Queen declared. "Get up! Protect your Queen!"

The rest of the hypnotized Miraculous wielders shook off the static discharge and readied their special moves. Volpina blew an earsplitting note on her flute and the tip glowed orange. King Monkey summoned a deadly stuffed frog doll. Pegasus readied his Voyage.

Chat Noir slipped on the Snake Miraculous and in a torrent of turquoise transformed into Snake Noir. He activated his Second Chance. "Ha! I can take you all on. I'm not the pushover Chat Noir who loses instantly anymore. I've been training with the strongest fighter I know. You're nothing compared to—"

A katana burst through his chest.

Snake Noir's gushing blood turned to ice. "Oh no..." He twisted the Snake Miraculous.

_A few seconds ago:_

Snake Noir spun around and blocked the katana. With absolute dread, he peered into the deadly gold eyes of Kagami.

"Fuck..."

_Meanwhile on a nearby roof:_

"This fine. This fine," Jade Turtle whimpered to himself as Barstool Sentimonster made yet another crack in his Shell-ter. He figured he had a few minutes left. Ten, maybe eleven if he was lucky.

"Yo, buddy," a much smaller Sentimonster made completely out of leaves poked Barstool Sentimonster. "It's me. I'm Bush Sentimonster. Bush, bush, twigs, and dirt. Boss lady says take a break, I'll tag in."

Barstool Sentimonster gave them a barstool-up and left. As soon as it was gone, Bush Senimonster pried apart some of its leaves to reveal… Hawkmoth!

"AHH! No! Me already told you! Ladybug and Chat Noir is Marinette and Adrien!" Jade Turtle cried.

"I commend you for committing to that obvious lie for so long, Fu," Hawkmoth whispered, "but I'm here to rescue you."

Jade Turtle did a double-take. "R-Really? Why?"

"You're a Guardian, aren't you? You've spent your entire life studying the Miraculous and the kwamis. If there's anyone who knows how to put a stop to Duusu, it's you."

Jade Turtle avoided all eye contact. "Oh yeah! Sure! Me am best Guardian. Me not janitor who spend entire life mopping. Me know exactly how handle this. You try true love kiss yet?"

"That only made Duusu stronger."

"Oh." Jade Turtle looked around, completely out of ideas. "Ummmm… hmmmmmm… wow… you… uhhhh… that usually works."

"Yo!" A Sentimonster made out of sledgehammers stomped over to them. "Bush Sentimonster bro, why aren't you beating the little man out of there?"

Hawkmoth quickly covered his face with leaves. "I was just, uh, I forgot a weapon."

"You did? Then use mine, bro." It tore off one of its sledgehammer arms and gave it to Hawkmoth. "I'm right-handed anyway."

Hawkmoth took it and gently tapped the Shell-ter, smiling widely at the Sentimonster.

"Yeah, that's it, keep up the good work, little bro."

_Down in the fight:_

"Hello, look at me, I'm Kagami!" a crowd of identical Kagamis said as they bore down on Snake Noir with matching katanas and interchangeable goofy grins.

"I don't understand!" Snake Noir said as he blocked the many blows, all of them felt too real. "How can you be fighting me here and everyone else over there at the same time?"

He chanced a glance over his shoulder to make sure Ladybug was still beating the rest of their former allies away from Luka like a lion protecting her cub. Luka continued to stand there like a statue.

"This—It isn't possible—It has to be some kind of advanced super Mirage!" He cartwheeled over the girls and stomped Rena Rouge's face into a lamppost. She dropped like a ton of bricks. Snake Noir eagerly turned to the Kagamis.

Half of them crumbled to golden dust.

"Uh, uh, ooh! An alternate Kagami from a parallel universe summoned by Pegasus' Voyage!" He jumpkicked Pegasus into a wall where he stayed.

Portals opened under the Kagamis and took most of them home. Only three remained.

"You're a madness induced hallucination!" Snake Noir gut-punched King Monkey and piledrived his head through the sidewalk.

Two burst into a pile of bananas. One Kagami remained.

"Wow," Dragon-Bug remarked at the triple-play. "You _have_ gotten better at this."

Snake Noir's head whipped back and forth between the two girls, sweat beading down his face. "But-But-But-But—" Kagami lunged and swiped, locking blade with Snake Noir's staff. "AH! My perception of reality is breaking!"

"You take care of Kagami, Snake Noir, I'll handle the rest." Dragon-Bug turned to Miracle Queen and raised her fists. "It's over, Chloe."

"Not yet it's not, Ladybrat!" she snarled back. "I still have one last Miraculous pawn to use! Go! Protect your Queen!"

Out stepped… Nino.

The unpowered boy threw a pathetic punch that Dragon-Bug didn't even feel. "Okay, this is officially sad." Dragon-Bug shoved Nino away with a flick of her pinky. The boy flew back and collided with Miracle Queen, making her fall on her spinning top and let out the Akuma.

Dragon-Bug divided into Ladybug and de-evilized the insect. Miracle Queen disappeared into bubbling darkness, leaving behind Queen Bee. All of the hypnotized people were freed.

All across Paris, people cheered and whooped and huzzahed, and then panicked at the sight of the thousands of invading Sentimonsters.

The Miraculous fighters continued to be unconscious and very much in pain.

Only Luka and Kagami snapped out their trances without a scratch on them. "Oh dear, how did I get here? Why do I have the distinct feeling that my arm got chopped off?"

"Greetings, Hero Chat Noir, are we in the middle of a duel?" Kagami asked.

"Can't… cope… you're not… Ladybug," Snake Noir stuttered out.

Ladybug finally breathed easy and patted Queen Bee's shoulder, "Don't worry, Chloe, you're free from Hawkmoth's control."

"Yeah, about that..." Queen Bee socked Ladybug across the jaw. She flung her spinning top at the nearest roof. It sailed past Mayura, through the army of Sentimonsters, and plunged into the depths of Bush Sentimonster's leaves. It came out with Hawkmoth's cane.

Everyone stared at Bush Sentimonster.

"Ummm, I'm Cane Bush Sentimonster…?" he excused.

"Hi, Cane Bush Sentimonster," the army pleasantly replied.

The cane was dragged back to Queen Bee who popped open the top. A dark butterfly waited within. "Come to mama!"

Ladybug squashed it with her yo-yo. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You're not akumatized! You don't have to be evil anymore!" Queen Bee shoved her off and shook the cane upside down like a ketchup bottle until another black butterfly squirted out. Ladybug squashed it again and yanked away the cane. "Stop it! What are you doing?!"

"Nothing," Queen Bee said casually. "Can I have the cane?"

"Depends. Are you gonna try to re-akumatize yourself?"

"Maybe."

"CHLOE!"

"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!" Queen Bee screamed back. "All I ever wanted was to be a hero like you but you never gave me the chance! I spent months trying to be nice but it was never because I wasn't nice enough or because I didn't have pay-chance or because Hawkmoth would use my identity to his advantage!"

"Huh," Hawkmoth thought out loud. "I had honestly never considered that."

"It was because YOU FORGOT ME!"

Queen Bee's voice echoed across the city, stunning everyone into silence. Hawkmoth gaped. Snake Noir gawked. Mayura munched on some popcorn, _("Preach, sister!")_

"Well?" Queen Bee spat. "Go on! Tell them what you told me!"

Everyone watched Ladybug, unsure what to believe. Even Snake Noir, who would support his Lady in anything, hesitated. After a long while, Ladybug opened her mouth, "You're right, Chloe. I did. I completely forgot you existed and I wish I hadn't."

The regret in her voice gave Queen Bee pause.

"There were tons of times where you could've easily solved everything for us and I just… forgot. My head's been getting scrambled more and more and I've forgotten entire days but that's no excuse. It was wrong of me to forget you. I'm sorry. But you don't need Hawkmoth, Chloe. You don't need an Akuma or any powers to be a hero. Why do you think Hawkmoth and Mayura kept targeting you? It's because you are the toughest bitch Paris has ever seen. You'll literally pick a fight with anyone, even supervillains, with your bare fists if you have to. It doesn't matter if they're stronger than you. You even punched me just now. _Me. _No one else has the tits to do that. Only you, Chloe."

Then, to everyone's surprise, Ladybug offered her the cane. Queen Bee didn't know how to respond.

"You don't need this to be great, Chloe. You already are."

Queen Bee gently took the cane. There was no desire in her face anymore, no more greed. She weighed the weapon in her hand as if considering, then clenched her fist.

"You're right, I am great," Queen Bee said and chucked the cane away.

Everyone sighed in relief.

_("Booooo!") _Mayura whined.

"I don't need to go all evil when I'm already amazing," Queen Bee continued. "I don't need the approval of villains when I've got all the love I need with my new boyfriend." She pulled Luka close and puckered her lips for a kiss. Both Luka and Ladybug stared at the waiting girl, not sure how to react. Even The Beast was too dumbfounded to attack.

"Uh, my apologies, Miss, but have we met?" Luka asked.

Queen Bee's smoochy lips sagged like a pair of wet noodles. "Oh, fuck you." She shoved the boy away before pulling every Miraculous from the Box and started putting them on!

_("There we go!") _Mayura cheered.

"No!" Snake Noir cried.

"Relax, guys," Ladybug said, not worried in the least. "Her body can't handle all that magic. She'll just collapse and be unable to move."

_KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

An eruption of magic split the air, deafening every ear! Pure, unbridled energy radiated off of what used to be Queen Bee like fire! Every Miraculous glowed with power and infused Her essence with strength! The mighty creature bellowed a warcry that made the heroes shrivel!

Ladybug started to sweat. "Or not. Quick, Snake Noir, use your Second Chance!" She turned and saw regular old _Chat_ Noir sheepishly holding the Snake Miraculous.

"Sorry, I already took it off."

"Why?!"

"Because it was itchy," he whined.

The kwamis barely had to time spawn before they were dragged into their Miraculous and added to Chloe's power. One kwami shaped like a bunny took its few moments of existence to wave to Mayura and say, "Hello there, you must be Tikki's slave. I feel sorry for you."

Mayura snickered back, _("It's me, Fluff. Duusu. Aren't you going to compliment me on what I've done with my human?")_

"**I AM MIRACLE EMPRESS!"** the new God proclaimed. Her voice collapsed several buildings! A new channel in the Seine River tore open! Airplanes crashed!

"M'Lady, get away!" Chat Noir yelled.

"No, I got this!" Ladybug desperately wound back her arm and punched with everything she had!

Her fist bounced off Miracle Empress' cheek with a squeak.

"I don't got this!"

Chat Noir grabbed Ladybug and pulled her away as the magic began to gather and clump around Miracle Empress, making Her grow and grow. "**IT ENDS HERE! NO ONE WILL EVER ABANDON ME OR FORGET ME EVER AGAIN! I SHALL BE LOVED!"**

_("Damn, Chloe, you do not disappoint! That's what I call emotional baggage!")_ Mayura laughed. _("Let's tear this world a new one! HAHAHAHAHAHA!")_

_ Nearby: _

"Hurry, Fu, _hurry_," Hawkmoth pestered, still lightly tapping the Shell-ter.

"Me looking." Jade Turtle furiously swiped through the Miraculous Book on his phone. "Come on… come on… 'How Remove Transformation Chalky Aftertaste?' No. 'How Get Magic Stains Out of Underwear?' No."

"Don't Guardians have the book memorized or something?"

"Is long read. Me skim. Aha! 'How Defeat and Seal Away Duusu!'"

"Finally!"

"'...was lost to time and is complete mystery.'"

"Fuck!"

"But that means there is way. We need only rediscover it before we die in next five minutes. No pressure."

Arguably the two stupidest and laziest men in Paris put their heads together, scrunched their faces, and thought as hard as they could. They chewed their lips and tore at their hair. They sweated bullets and groaned like they were severely constipated.

"Me got nothing."

"Yeah, I'm drawing a blank. How the hell do we defeat something that is made stronger by love?!"

"Ooh, is this a puzzle? I adore puzzles!" Pints of Beer Sentimonster trotted over to them and eagerly clapped its hooves made of overflowing steins of lager. "Let's see… If love is the strength, then the opposite must be the weakness."

Hawkmoth and Jade Turtle exchanged looks. "The opposite of love?"

"Ooh, is it pancakes?" guessed Pancake Sentimonster.

"Tea parties?" Tea Party Sentimonster suggested.

"Lack of proper communication coupled with rampant dishonesty?" Pints of Beer Sentimonster proposed.

"It's none of those!" Hawkmoth said. "It has to be a meaningful gesture. Something as powerful as true love's kiss. But what is an anti-kiss?"

Jade Turtle consulted the Miraculous Book. "Uhhh, cursed apple? Cursed spindle? Has to be something cursed, right? Ooh, me can curse her into frog."

"No." Hawkmoth stopped pacing. "No, please." Where the thought had come from couldn't be said, but Hawkmoth knew the answer and he didn't like it. "I can't do that to her. There has to be another way."

"What? What way, gweilo?"

Hawkmoth didn't respond. He watched Mayura on the far roof cackle madly at the pandemonium. Nathalie was still in there somewhere. He could save her. He _needed_ to save her. No matter what. Hawkmoth reached into Pints of Beer Sentimonster's belly and ripped out a tall glass of liquid courage. He chugged it.

"AH! My kidney!" Pints of Beer Sentimonster cried.

Hawkmoth got a refill.

"AH! My other kidney!"

_Down in the fight:_

Miracle Empress had expanded bigger than the Eiffel Tower! She had become a colossus of magic and rage! And She was still growing!

"Oh dear," Luka whispered.

"Potential-Friend Chloe has surpassed Godzilla," Kagami said in awe.

"Oh my Big Red X, M'Lady, what are we going to do?" Chat Noir whimpered.

Ladybug had no answer.

**"YES! COWER, YOU FOOLS!" **Miracle Empress bellowed. **"COWER AT THE SIGHT OF MY AWESOME VISAGE! KNEEL BEFORE ME! KNEEEEEL AND BOOOOOW! AND WITH YOUR CHINS IN THE DIRT, LOOK UP! LOOK UP AND SAY, 'WHO IN ALL THE HEAVENS IS MIGHTIER THAN MIRACLE EMPRE—' Pre-pre-caaaah!"**

A raspy wheeze echoed through the sky. The heroes watched Miracle Empress' legs shake and convulse. What was going on, they could not tell. The rest of the massive girl was hidden above the clouds.

"Is—It sounds like—Is she choking?" Chat Noir asked.

"I think she grew so big that her head reached outer space," Ladybug said.

_("Huh, looks like all that power went straight to her ego, but, damn, do her hips look fine!")_ Mayura laughed herself silly as Miracle Empress toppled over, Her face landing somewhere beyond the city limits. The Seine splashed up, spreading its water across the city. _("Well, that was anticlimactic. Anyway, enough of amateur hour. Time for the Headliner. KNOCK KNOCK!")_

Mayura's eyes shined red.

Ladybug suddenly doubled over, grabbing her head. The wrench wound which had been practically dormant these past months stabbed with pain. She could feel The Beast ripping the gates asunder, clawing its way into her mind. It was just like when she'd jumped off the Eiffel Tower after the fake Adrien, but the pain was so much worse. There was no sweet laugh of Duusu lulling her guard down, only a furious claim.

_("Who's there? You. You who? You. Are. MINE!")_

She was barely aware of Chat Noir, Luka, and Kagami huddled over her, so close and yet their pleas of asking what was wrong were so distant. A sudden thought occurred to her. It was their fault. Stupid, sexy Chat Noir. Stupid, sexy Luka. Stupid, sexy Kagami. If it weren't for them, she wouldn't be so confused all the time. If it weren't for them, she'd have _her_ Adrien all to herself.

_("You should just get rid of them.")_

And with those words, Ladybug was gone. In a blur of motion, The Beast charged at the three distractions.

Mayura cackled madly as the culmination of her grand plan come to fruition. All around the world, her Sentimonsters were making their move.

_ In _ _ England_:

A towering terror made of 5G cell towers demolished Buckingham Palace.

"Blast," Queen Elizabeth II said. "It appears those conspiracy theorist wankers were right. 5G really is killing us all."

_In Japan:_

A flock of fearsome furies made of falafel overpowered Godzilla and dragged the King of Monsters and His kaiju-sized Gabriel-brand sweater into the ocean!

_In America:_

An awful amalgamation made of aerosol cans shared an obviously fake news story. The Sentimonster was instantly elected President.

_In Russia:_

_Ding-dong!_

Vladimir Putin answered the Kremlin's door and found a hulking horror made of helicopters!

"Hello! Do you have time to talk about your new Dark Lord Duusu?" it asked pleasantly, then held up the severed heads of Putin's military generals, "Because these guys didn't."

_Back in Paris:_

"Kagami, Luka, get back!" Chat Noir shouted as The Beast lunged. He got them out of harm's way just before the claws shish-kebabed them and caught The Beast's bite on his staff. Summoning all of his Miraculous strength, Chat Noir threw The Beast across the plaza, through a glass window, and into a bank vault. The three teens raced after it and slammed the vault shut.

There were several tense seconds of thumping as the thing rammed around inside but the vault held. For now. The lion-like roars of anger made them tremble.

"I'm going in there," Chat Noir said.

Luka and Kagami both gasped.

"We need Ladybug to put everything back together and I've handled her when she's like this before. I know what needs to be done." He fixed the other two with a stern grimace. "No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I may beg you, no matter how terrible I may scream, do _not_ open this door or we won't get her back. Do you understand? Do _not_ open this door."

They nodded.

Bracing himself, Chat Noir cracked open the vault and slipped inside. He heard the steel lock behind him.

It was at this moment that he knew he fucked up.

This was not the angry Ladybug he was used to. It wasn't even the red-eyed uber-pissed off Ladybug. There wasn't a trace of Ladybug left. This was a monster. One growl was all it took, and he knew it would kill him.

He turned right back around and banged on the vault. "Let me out! Let me out! Get me the hell out of here!"

_A few feet away:_

Luka and Kagami listened with admiration.

_Punch, punch! _"What's the matter with you people?! Don't you know a joke when you hear one?! HAHAHAHA!" _Punch, punch!_ "Big Red X, get me outta here! Open this damn door! I'll kick your fucking heads in! MOMMY!"

"Hero Chat Noir is brave," Kagami said solemnly.

"Indeed," Luka agreed.

_In the vault:_

The Beast finished shaking off the safety deposit boxes and let out a monstrous howl! It stalked on all-fours toward its trapped prey. Chat Noir whipped around and pressed his back against the wall. There was no way out. No backing down. He swallowed heavily and did what he did best.

"Hello, beautiful," he flirted.

The Beast paused. Its deadly claws stopped mid-swipe and from its throat came a puppy-like, _**("Huh?")**_ It looked around in search of who Chat Noir was talking to.

"You're a good looking gal, do you know that?" he pressed on, hiding his terror behind a smooth-as-silk smirk. "Look at that cute face. Look at the sweet smile."

The Beast touched its salivating fangs with a hint of embarrassment. _**("Really?")**_

"And that bod. Do you want to talk about physical strength?" Chat Noir kept on flirting, the words coming much easier. "Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? Look at these guns you're packing, girl. You are a _goddess!_"

His praise filled The Beast with pride. No one had ever told it these things before, made it _feel_ these things before. They felt good. Like internal bleeding only… nice.

"And you know what's the sexiest part?" Chat Noir said, leaning so close that The Beast began to blush. "I know that deep down inside, under all this scary, rip-your-head-off routine, there's a sensitive side waiting to come out. I know you are not evil. You are good." They gazed into each other's eyes and shared a warm moment.

_ **("Nah, I'm totally evil, but thanks for the compliments. I'mma eat you now.")** _

"AAHHHH!"

_ Meanwhile: _

_("Hey!")_ Mayura called, leaning as far as she could over the roof's edge. She couldn't see into the bank. _("What's going on down there? Are you dead yet?")_

Mayura suddenly felt someone grab her shoulders. They yanked her around and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man who really didn't want to do this. _("Oh, hey, Gabe. Figured you'd be cowering in a hole somewhere by now. You enjoying the show?")_

Hawkmoth hesitated, just for a moment, then said. "It's not gonna work out."

_("...Say what now?")_

"You and me, Nathalie. We just don't work well together, and that kiss made me realize I've got Emilie and Adrien to think about."

Mayura's eyes widened. _("You're not saying—but no, you can't! You and Nat, you're made for each other, Gabe. I've been around since before the concept of time and I've never seen two humans so perfect together. Please don't do this, you're just the cutest. Think about all the good times you and Nat have shared, think about that adorable grumpy face she always makes when you do your evil laugh. You love that.")_

She tried to take his hand, but he pushed it away. "I'm sorry, Nathalie, I—" his voice hitched but he pressed on, "I don't feel the same way."

Mayura stumbled back, gripping her chest as if she'd been staked through the heart. There were actual tears brimming. _("N-No… Stop…")_

"I think we'd be better staying—"

_("Don't say it!")_

"...friends."

_("MY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!")_

Mayura's explosive cry made the city shake more than the fall of Miracle Empress. All across the planet, her Sentimonsters simultaneously imploded. The rainbow of Love which had filled her before now ejected out of her body with great force. Guided by unseen hands, the power was siphoned back into the clouds.

Hawkmoth caught Mayura's limp form and held her tightly.

Then…

"Sir?" she whispered, not a hint of madness.

He let out a shuddery breath. "Welcome back, Nathalie."

* * *

_In the Realm of the Gods:_

The Love crashed through Hathor's apartment window and splattered everywhere.

"**For the love of Ra, there's Love stains all over my couch!"**

"Sorry," a sad voice grumbled from above.

Hathor craned Her head back and spotted Marinette stuck to the ceiling with a glob of Love. "**Oh, if it isn't Miss I-Don't-Have-Time-For-Love-Quests-Because-I-Only-Love-Adrien. How's that migraine going for you?"**

"It's going great," Marinette said through a forced smile. "You know, except for the fact that now I also like two other boys and I got possessed by a dark spirit that wants to disembowel them and one of them just asked me out andIdon'tknowwhattodoHEEEELP!"

"**Wait..."** Hathor grinned and Her cow horns sparkled with excitement. "**You have a **_**love**_ **problem?"**

"Yes! Please, God of Love, help m—"

"**Finally! It's been so long!"** Hathor began digging through an Ancient Egyptian trunk. "**Should I break out the net trap that teaches how love can be a tangled web? Or maybe the quicksand pit that teaches love needs to be approached cautiously? Ooh! Of course!" **She pulled out a regular looking wooden stool. "**The Uncomfortable Stool of Absolution that teaches you sometimes you need to just sit on your love problems and deal with it! Perfect!"**

"Put that away!" Marinette ordered. "No riddles, no quests, no metaphors."

"**Just a teeny tiny metaphor?"**

"No. Just tell me what to do."

"_**Tell you?**_ **Uggggggh!"** Hathor collapsed on the Uncomfortable Stool of Absolution and uncorked a bottle of Ancient Egyptian chardonnay. "**Guess that means **_**talking**_ **about **_**feelings**_**. **_**Modern**_ **love, blegh, kill me now. So, lay it on me, mortal, why can't you make up your mind about who you love?"** Hathor asked before taking a chug.

The blunt question made Marinette stammer. "I, uh, I, um, who could? Adrien is so dreamy and Chat Noir is so loyal and Luka is a downright sweetheart and Kagami—whoa, did I say Kagami? That was a slip of the tongue, hehehe."

Hathor kept on chugging.

"But, uh, if I were to hypothetically put Kagami on the list, I'd say she's probably the most caring person I've met. Not that I like her like that."

Chug, chug.

"And then… there's… me…"

Hathor stopped chugging and belched. "**There it is. Go on."**

Marinette sighed, the glob of Love drooping along with her attitude. "I'm a klutz, I lose my temper way too easily, I'm a magnet for disasters. I'm so insecure that in an alternate timeline where me and Chat Noir dated I practically made him my prisoner. How could any of them want to be with me? I'll just mess things up."

The God hummed thoughtfully. "**Yeah, you will."**

"Hey!"

"**You wanted my help, never said anything about my sympathy."** Hathor finished off the chardonnay. She extended Her cow horns and began to slice Marinette free. "**You will mess things up, and so will Adrien and Chat Noir and Luka and Kagami. You'll all mess things up. Relationships are **_**messy**_**. I should know, I was married to my dad-brother and gave birth to my husband-son."**

Marinette stared. "...W-What?"

"**It's a God thing. The point is you will make mistakes and some will suck so hard they will end relationships. That's part of love. Are you gonna let that stop you from even trying?"**

"But I don't want to hurt them."

"**Why not?"**

"They're my friends!"

"**Good. Better to perv on a friend than some rando at a bar." **The last strand of Love holding Marinette in place was snipped away and the girl fell flat on her face. Hathor lifted her up. "**Why do you think they're your friends to begin with? It's because they see in you what you see in them."** Between Hathor's horns appeared a flaming golden disc. In it, Marinette saw herself. Her blushing as Adrien praised her fashion designs to anyone who would listen. Her failing at guitar while Luka patiently taught. Her laughing along with Chat Noir at yet another terrible movie. Her frantically stopping Kagami from decapitating the mailman when she offhandedly complained about her package being late. More and more moments of shared happiness, strife, overcoming hardship, joy. Friendship. And in all of them, Marinette saw one common factor. Her.

"**People care about you, Marinette, even love you. Maybe you should try loving yourself too."**

And in this moment a thought occurred to Marinette which had never occurred to her before. Adrien, Luka, Chat Noir, Kagami, they were all incredible people who deserved to be loved.

And so did she.

Hathor gave her horns a rub and a rose sprouted before Marinette. "**Now, speak the name of the one you love and freedom shall be yours."**

She gently held the flower and said, "Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

Hathor smiled triumphantly. "**Ha, snuck in one last metaphor."**

_In the bank vault:_

Ladybug opened her eyes, as blue as bluebells without a spot of red, and found her teeth wrapped around Chat Noir's throat.

"GAAAH!" She spat him out. "What happened?!"

"Oh, welcome back, Bugaboo," Chat Noir whimpered, having reached a new level of trauma. "Nothing happened. We were just _necking._ Ha… ha… ha…" He covered his crotch. "Either I discovered a new fetish or I need a therapist."

* * *

_ Later: _

Ladybug and Chat Noir stormed out of the bank and spotted Hawkmoth hammering away at Jade Turtle's Shell-ter.

"Come on, gweilo," Jade Turtle complained. "Me thought we connected."

"We did. But now I don't need you anymore. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" He sneered down at the heroes. "Checkmate, Ladybug and Chat Noir. I have your Guardian. I have won!"

"Fine. Keep him. He's useless anyway," Ladybug said, ignoring Chat Noir's gasp.

Hawkmoth was shocked too, but then he got it. "Ohhh, reverse psychology. Nice try, Ladybug. You only want me to _think_ Fu is a bumbling idiot who doesn't know what he's doing, when in reality he is secretly the wisest Guardian to ever exist and the most valuable weapon I could take from you. I won't be fooled so easily. He is mine!"

"Curses, you've seen through my tricks," Ladybug said, setting a new world record for heaviest eye roll.

"MUAHAHAAHAHAHA!" Hawkmoth cackled, amping up his hammering.

"Come on, Ladybug. Stop joking. You need me," Jade Turtle begged. "Me one with Miraculous Box."

"You mean this Miraculous Box?" Ladybug took the Box from Chloe's unconscious titanic form. "Oops, looks like I have it now. Give me one good reason why I should save you."

Jade Turtle started to sweat. "Uh… me have excellent personality…?"

Ladybug said nothing.

"Fine! You no want me? Me leave!" Jade Turtle got to his feet and cried to the heavens, "ME QUIT!"

"Quit?" Hawkmoth sputtered.

"Quit?!" Chat Noir cried.

"Whoa! Fu hasn't quit in over 150 years?" Ladybug asked. "That's actually impressive."

"ME ALSO NAME LADYBUG NEW GUARDIAN!" Fu quickly added.

"WHAT?! YOU SONUVA—"

_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ _OOOM!_

A wave of pure white light expanded from Fu's body, shattering the Shell-ter. The beams shot down to the street, aiming for Ladybug!

"No!" she screamed. "I don't want it! Go away! I don't give consent! AAAH!"

The beams arced around her and hit Chloe. All of the Miraculouses were magically removed and her massive body slowly shrank back to normal size. The Miraculous Box opened in Ladybug's arms and the Miraculous gathered inside. In an explosion of magic, the oriental wood melted away, leaving behind a shimmering red orb covered with black polka-dots. A little plaque spawned on the orb's top that read, _Property of Ladybug. If Found, Please Return to Miraculous Temple._

Ladybug's eye twitched.

"The new Guardian," Chat Noir marveled. Then he grinned perversely. "Mmm, this sort of makes it like having a thing for my teacher. I like it."

Her eye spasmed.

"Could I get some _extra credit,_ My Lady Guardian—" Ladybug grabbed his throat. "Sorry, I forgot to turn it off," he wheezed.

"FU!"

Ladybug stormed her way to the roof where one last Sentimonster made of leaves in the shape of a man hefting an unconscious woman on his back stood over Fu's body. "Hello there, I'm Cane Bush Sentimonster, the most non-threatening, not Hawkmoth Sentimonster there is. Ignore me."

Ladybug already was. Her murderous sights softened to despair when she saw Fu. He was sprawled on the ground, not moving.

Chat Noir arrived and gasped. "Oh no, is he…"

"Hold on, I'll check." She dropped the Miraculous Orb on his stomach. The man immediately groaned and awakened.

"Fu, you're alive?! Thank Big Red X, I thought you died," Chat Noir said.

"Sadly yes," Fu nodded somberly. "But me lived!"

"That's great!" Ladybug lifted him off his feet. "Now I can kill you myself."

"Huh?! I mean, uh, um, uh—Oh no! Super secret toll of being Guardian revealed! My memory! Is fading! No!" He pulled out his phone and flashed the light in his face to simulate magic. "Me forget entire life and all Miraculous secrets! Uh, who? Who is Fu? Who you? Who me? What is orange?"

Ladybug squinted at him with suspicion.

"His memory?!" Chat Noir cried.

"Well, that's just _great! _Now how will he tell me your secret identities?" Cane Bush Sentimonster harrumphed and stomped away.

"Y'up, me feeble old man now. No memory, no consequences to actions. Me go now. Goodbye, scary polka-dotted clown me never met before." Fu ran for the fire escape, only for a yo-yo to lasso him.

"Wayzz, is he faking?" Ladybug asked.

Sweat poured down Fu's face. He eyed the frowning green kwami. "Oh? What this? Is this flying mini-turtle? Me never see before." He shook his clasped hands at Wayzz, silently pleading with him. "You know what, me no like this place. Me go far away, _faaaar _away, and never return."

Wayzz smiled. He liked the sound of that. "Okay, yeah, it's for real."

"Phew," Fu said.

"Eh," Ladybug cracked her knuckles. "I'm still gonna beat him up."

_ Meanwhile: _

Gabriel carefully loaded Nathalie's weak body into the back of the Agreste Limo, wiping away the leaves and doing his best to ignore Duusu's endless chatter.

"You didn't really mean it, right, Gabe?" it asked frantically. "You don't wanna just stay friends. That was a mistake. Now that you've lost her, you've realized how much you love Nat and I can get my Ultimate Power back. Whoops. Did I say that last part out loud? That was a brain fart. It meant nothing. I just wanna make it clear that me insinuating that my power is directly connected with how much you love each other was a joke. Get it? HAHAHA! Please say you love each other."

Gabriel shot a scowl at the mad kwami, but before he could retort Nathalie coughed.

"Sir..." Another cough. "Look." Her shaky arm barely lifted to show something clenched in her fingers. Gabriel's eyes lit up. It was Fu's tablet.

With a swipe, the screen showed the digital Miraculous Book which had been painstakingly translated by the old Chinese man. At the top of the page was the title: _How to "Fix" your Miraculous._

A pair of matching grins appeared on Gabriel and Nathalie's faces. They turned to Duusu who had become a particularly pale shade of blue.

"Hehehe, come on, guys, let's be reasonable here. Heheheh. Nat, Gabe, haven't I been a good friend? Haven't I brought laughter into your home? If it weren't for me, neither of you would be honest about your feelings for each other. Hehe—" Nathalie grabbed it out of the air and squeezed. "HEEEEEELP!"

* * *

_Later, at the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:_

Chloe stomped through the front door to find her parents holding each other next to Officer Roger.

"Miss Chloe Bourgeois," Roger said. "According to Ladybug, you knowingly chose to be akumatized and voluntarily mind-slaved everyone in Paris with the intention of making them love you against their will and then you voluntarily chose to side with Hawkmoth and Mayura in order to take over the world. Your actions speak volumes about your disregard for your fellow man and are on par with the most heinous of war crimes."

"hhhThat's my girl," Audrey planted a proud kiss on Chloe's head.

"But you're still young and growing." Roger continued. "Kids make mistakes and the worst thing we as a society can do is take away a child's chance to change. I've talked it over with the Police Chief and he's willing to let the charges slide as long as you don't be a Karen and apologize."

Chloe smiled. "Oh. An apology? That's all you want? Sure, here you go." She flipped him off. "Fuck. You."

_ Later: _

Chloe stood wide-eyed in her new jail cell. "Well, that was a mistake."

* * *

_A few days later:_

Fu walked with the stiff, trying-not-to-piss-his-pants walk of a man with a gun pressed to the back of his head. Directly behind him was Marinette Dupain-Cheng, scouring for any hint of recognition.

"You remember who you are yet?" she hissed.

"N-No! Oh my! What this big long metal tube train-like thing? Me never see before."

Marinette kept squinting at him with distrust. Somewhere nearby, the conductor made the last call for passengers. The door of the nearest car opened and out walked…

"Marianne!" Fu exclaimed and hugged his old girlfriend tightly. He then heard the crack of knuckles behind him. He immediately let Marianne go. "Oh! Who you, beautiful lady me never see before?"

"Don't worry, Fu." Marianne placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'll take care of you. It's time for me to do the protecting, my brave little man."

"Brave, right," Marinette scoffed. "It's still creepy that he's old enough to be your great-grandpa."

"Don't kink-shame, young lady," Marianne said.

The train whistle tooted. Minutes to go. Marinette peered carefully at the sweat-drenched Fu, searching for a hint of betrayal. She got nothing. "Alright," she sighed. "I guess this is goodbye, Fu."

Fu internally shouted in victory. On the outside, he said, "Thank you for ride, girl me not know. Me hope we never meet again."

"Such a shame too. I was actually warming up to you and wanted to cut you in on the Ladybug merchandise sales."

There was a pause.

Fu flashed his phone's flashlight in his face and acted like he was waking from a deep slumber. "Huh? What? Where am me? What happening? Marinette? Is you? Me remember who me am now! Is miracle!"

"Aha! I knew it!" Marinette grabbed his collar. "There are no merchandise sales, you phony!"

"AAH! NO!" Fu flailed and ripped off his own shirt to get away. He dove tackled Marianne onto the train just before the doors hissed shut.

"Stop! Stop the train!" Marinette ordered but it was pointless. The train took off with Fu and Marianne. The spurned girl roared, ripping apart Fu's Hawaiian shirt. "I will find you, Fu! You can't hide! Do you hear me? I! WILL! FIND! YOU!"

_Clink._

Something metal dropped out of Fu's shirt. Marinette picked it up. It was a key.

_ Later: _

212 said the key. It was a tiny key, much too small for a house door, but the perfect size for the public train station lockers. She found 212 and unlocked it. Inside waited the mystical record player, an old photo of Marianne, and a postcard that showed the Empire State Building. Under the Statue of Liberty was the hand-written note: _Escape Plan._

A bloodthirsty thrill channeled through Marinette as she drenched everything else in gasoline and lit a match. The scent had been found. She'd give Fu a couple days head start. And then the hunt would begin. She moved to add the postcard to the flames when she spotted a small block of writing on the back.

_Remember! Much of my life-savings in record player. Is lot of cash. Is enough to start new life. Do not forget!_

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

_Later, at the Seine:_

Marinette, covered in soot and bandages, accepted the ice cream cone Andre Glacier offered her. "Well, I just lost a lot of money. How are things going for you, Andre?"

"Wonderful, Marinette! I feel like a brand new man, as if I have been cleansed of an unholy spirit and can begin a new chapter in my life. You know that feeling?"

She spooned some of the cherry scoop into her mouth. It tasted blue. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I do." She joined the rest of her classmates by the Seine. They were already paired up. With a brave face, she passed Adrien and Kagami.

"So… just to be clear, you're not Ladybug?" Adrien asked for the fiftieth time.

"I am not, Boyfriend Adrien. Are you only dating me because you thought I was?"

"No!" Adrien grinned forcefully. "Let's kiss some more and forget I mentioned anything."

"Agreed."

Marinette hadn't heard that exchange. She'd already pushed forward, passing the other couples of her class. Juleka and Rose. Mylene and Ivan. Nathaniel and Marc. Alix and Max—

"Hold up." Marinette took a few steps back and stared at the last two. "Alix and Max? You guys are a thing?"

"We're more of a time traveler and her travel-buddy kinda thing," Alix said. "It was his one time travel favor."

"Indubitably," Max confirmed. "We've embarked on multiple enthralling historical adventures that boggle the mind."

Marinette continued to stare. "I feel like I missed an entire subplot," she finally said and moved on. At last, she arrived at the only person who sat alone, strumming a guitar. She took a seat next to him.

"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng," Luka said. "I've been searching for you. I came across something floating in the river in the aftermath of that nasty skirmish with Miss Bourgeois." He pulled out Adrien's lucky charm. "I believe this belongs to you."

Relief filled Marinette at the sight of it, but the moment was bittersweet. Just a few feet away, the boy who had given it to her was kissing Kagami. Marinette braced herself for The Beast to pounce. To her surprise, it only made the barest squeak, no more threatening than a mouse. There was no urge to eviscerate or claim Adrien for herself. She was in control.

Marinette took the charm, feeling its familiar shapes in her palm, and wondered what this meant.

"Don't fret, Miss," Luka assured, following her gaze. "I'm more than sure that given enough time the Young Master will—"

Marinette grabbed the neck of the guitar, stopping the music. "Let's do it," she said firmly.

"P-Pardon?"

She took a deep breath and tucked the lucky charm into her pocket. "Luka, let's give us a shot."

Everyone else's heads whipped around so fast that Juleka tumbled into the river.

Luka smiled. "Splendid!"

_ROLL CREDITS_

_ **MIRACULOUS MIGRAINE** _

_WRITTEN & EDITED BY  
_I Write Big

_BASED ON  
_Miraculous: The Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir  
Created by: Thomas Astruc

_ STARRING: _

Marinette Dupain-Cheng…...A Recovering Yandere Who's Thirsty

Adrien Agreste…A Learning Rich Idiot Who's Horny

Tikki…... The Real Victim Here

Plagg…...The Mastermind Plotter Who Has No Idea What He's Doing

Nino Lahiffe...Happy to have Pants

Alya Cesaire...Still Not Over Nino

Kagami Tsurugi….…..Kuudere as Fuck

Luka Couffaine...….….…The Perfect Boyfriend

Lila Rossi….Liar Liar, Set This Bitch on Fire

Bridgette…..Yes, _that_ Bridgette

Fu…..…..…..…..On The Run

Chloe Bourgeois…..Sentenced to 10 Years

Sabrina Raincomprix…...Attending to Chloe's Need in the Next Cell

Jean-Something...Downton Abbey

Andre Bourgeois…..…..…..Whipping Boy

Audrey Bourgeois...…..….The One Doing the hhhWhipping

Andre Glacier…..…..John Wayne Gacy

Ella and Etta Cesaire...The Intended Audience of Miraculous

Principal Damocles...The Actual Audience of Miraculous

Anansi Cesaire….….….…The Ideal Female Specimen

_MID-CREDITS SCENE_

"There. It's done," Gabriel said, putting away the duck tape. The Peacock Miraculous shimmered on Nathalie's chest for a moment, then became whole. They turned their attention to Duusu, still struggling in Nathalie's grip.

"No! Let me go! You can't do this to me! I'm Duusu! I will destroy you—" The same shimmering engulfed the kwami. There was the booting up _bwommm _of a macbook and Duusu was suddenly smiling a dopey smile. "Well, howdy-ho there, folks. It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Duusu!" Nooroo wailed. "What have they done to you?! Speak to me! Tell me a Knock-Knock joke!"

"A what-what now? Sorry, neighbor, but I don't partake in such vulgarity. Humor is nothing but a shield cowards use to hide from their problems."

Nooroo gasped and backed away in horror. "You're monsters!" it shouted at Gabriel and Nathalie and flew off in tears. "MONSTERS!"

"I'm actually starting to feel better, sir," Nathalie said, managing to sit up on her own. That wasn't a lie. The aches were starting to fade and the faintest feeling in her legs was returning. She tried to pry off the Miraculous. No luck. It remained firmly attached to her like a leech. Then Gabriel put his hand over hers.

"Nathalie… what I said to Mayura… about us… I… I didn't—"

"I know, sir."

No more words were needed. She took his hand and squeezed. He leaned toward her. Their eyes fluttered shut and their lips—

"Ship!"

Both froze. They glanced at Duusu who was covering its mouth. "Oh, excusez-moi. I think I may have the hiccups—Ship! Ew. This feels yucky. Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship!"

Gabriel experimentally let Nathalie's hand go and leaned away.

Duusu's _hiccups_ stopped. "Oh, I think they're gone—" Gabriel took Nathalie's hand, "—Ship! Gosh dang it! Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship!"

He let go. Duusu stopped.

They went for a kiss.

"SHIIIP!" Duusu roared and radiated with Ultimate Power! Gabriel and Nathalie stopped and so did Duusu.

"That's going to be a problem," Nathalie said.

_ CO-STARRING _

Gabriel Agreste…..A Sociopath Who's Just Realizing He Might Be The Bad Guy

Emilie Agreste….….….The Banana

Nathalie Sancoeur…...The Third Wheel

Nooroo….Nerfed

Duusu…..Lobotomized

Ape-Man…..The New Banana

Felix Graham de Vanily….….…Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat

Amelie Graham de Vanily….May Be A Worse Mother than Audrey

Marianne Lenoir….….….…Grandma Fetish

Mrs. Tsurugi….….….….…My Mom

Jagged Stone….…..….…My Dad

Miss Mendeleiev….….….…The Future Savior of the World

Trixx….….….…The Most Dangerous Game

Sass….….….…Owns Over 50,000 Rubber Bands

Pollen….….….…The Fourth Reich

Fluff…...The Only One Who Knows What's Going On But Can't Tell Anybody

Wayzz….….….…FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM!

The Adrinette Task Force….….….Worst Friends Ever

The Culinary Titans….….…Best Parents Ever

The Beast….….….…The Rancor from Star Wars

_SECRET POST-CREDITS SCENE_

_Somewhere across the Atlantic:_

The scorching sun beat down on the desert. A vulture squawked somewhere. In the seemingly endless plain of brown, a single weather-beaten shack sat under an old rusty windmill. In that shack, lounged a lone bushy-browed man, his leathery skin thickly tanned and his wiry hair whiter than snow. He finished off a beer and crushed the can as he flipped through the news channels.

"—and America is again on the brink of civil war for the 46th month in a row—"

Next channel.

"—flagrant voter suppression that isn't even trying to pretend to be legal—"

Next channel.

"—the leader of the white supremacist group said, 'We haven't done anything yet. This racism is on you guys—'"

He turned the TV off. Just another day in the good ol' US of A. Nothing to worry about. All was well. He grabbed another beer.

Then something _crashed_ through his ceiling and smashed into his TV! He carefully stood and examined the crater. In the remains he found… a blonde wig. Intuition pricked at the back of the man's neck and he stroked his chiseled chin. He brought the wig to the far wall where the prophecy waited. The first image: a golden ball streaked with lines falling to Earth, crashing under the windmill. That golden ball was an exact match to the wig.

He'd always thought it would be a star.

The next image: a ladybug and a black cat eating sparkly hotdogs above a radioactive Statue of Liberty.

Under the indecipherable future waited a hexagonal box covered with Native American iconography. The man cracked open the beer.

"Oh shit, here we go again."

TRUE END

_In loving memory of Adrinette. You were taken before your time._

_ **RESULTS** _

Story Completed  
**SEASON 2  
****SEASON 3**

Game Mode  
**EXPERT**

Total Chapters  
**40**

Total Views (FF+AO3+WP)  
**20,000+**

Total Time  
**10.5 months**

Total Marinette Crushes  
**4**

RANK  
**SS**

Unlocked  
**Ladybug: Astronaut Costume & Boyfriend (Luka)**  
**Chat Noir: Astronaut Costume & Girlfriend (Kagami)  
****New Stages: New York & Shanghai & Brazil**

_And that's it. We've officially caught up to the series. Based on the fact that season 1 premiered all the way back in _ _ **2015?! WHAT THE FUCK?! ** _ _I think it's safe to say Season 4 will be wrapping up around late 2022. Damn, these French bastards milk their shows for all their worth, huh? If I feel the urge, I may continue this fic when we're well into Season 5. Who knows?_

_Until then, dear readers, remember, I write slow, I don't write often, but when I do…_

_I Write Big._


End file.
